Dogfight Squadron

"Mr. Joseph, I really need your help. A ship, the E.D.F. Skyhawk has disappeared near griffin borders." Celestia called out to me at the Wonderbolts academy.

"So?"

"The flying boat-"

"Oh, like this?" I showed her an image of a Boeing 314 Clipper. "Didn't know you had planes and named them like ships."

"No no no...Like this."

"Not bad, looks like the Enterprise from Final Fantasy IV."

"How did you know the name?"

"Is that a Star Trek reference?"

"Look. Point is, I need you to make some of your grand flying machines to be able to fly off of it."

"That is, if you let me join the mission."

"Deal."

One Minute Later

"J2F-6 Duck and F3F-2 Flying Barrel up for grabs, your royal hynies."

She rolled here eyes. "Which one is the duck?"

"The ugly one."

"Eh...That doesn't really help."

"The one that can land on water without killing someone."

"That doesn't help either."

"ARAGH! THE ONE THAT HAS THE WHEELS THAT SHOW WHEN THEY'RE RETRACTED!"

"Eee...nope."

"...The spotter."

"Now, why didn't you tell me so earlier?"

"How the hell did you find out about spotters anyhow?"

"Just get to the ship. You're flying the Barrel, good luck. I can already see flies flying around it."

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Enterprise was completely fitted out with the launch pods for the little Flying Barrel and catapults for the Ducks. It made her look like she had wings. Twilight had given me the ability to interchange between my pony form and my human form by snapping my fingers. That was and issue, because, well, I'm Asian, and Asians don't know how to snap their fingers.

The ship was sent off with a song and several blessings, and we were off.

There was a time when I went to Maine. There was a whale watching thing at Bar Harbor, and that was terrible because, well, seasickness. Turns out skyship sickness is worse. I mean, I don't always get seasick, but when I do, ya better turn on the bilge.

So, yeah. Heading to the last reported position of the Skyhawk, I met a nice pegasus called Featherweight. He had come from Ponyville, and we met on the forecastle of the ship every day to talk.

"How we doing, Hellcat?" He asked me one time.

"Same as always…"

"That bad, huh?"

"Eeyup."

“Well, you said you wanted to be around when I made a mistake.”

“…I take it back!” I said.

After a pause, he answered with. “You certainly have courage.”

“...Yeah, but what good is that if Celly gets me killed?”

Another pony, a certain Rolling Thunder came over. “You know that he is going to cause us two a lot of trouble.”

“…Oh, I excel at that.”

“Yeah… you’re a real hero.”

“You’ll find I’m full of surprises!” I grinned. "Superman theme....do do do doooo....Superman theme...do do do do dooooo...do-do-do-dooooo do do-do-do-doooo do do do-do do-dooo...."

That got me two raised eyebrows.

"What? Can a person like stuff?"

"That made no sense at all."

"That's describing you!"

"No you!"

"No, you!"

I let the two fight, and chuckled as I left them.

"Thar she blows! Avast ye-" That drew me back to shut the two up.

"We aren't going to talk like pirates."

"But sir! The Skyhawk!"

I turned. "That's the Skyhawk?"

It was nothing but a wreck

"Looks like the work of a swarm of batacudas..."

"Batacudas?"

"Sky fish that guzzle you up like how you would eat hay..."

"I don't eat hay, remember? Humans....Hello?"

"Ah, right."

As my squadron of Flying Barrels flew overhead, a salvage team down below explored the wreck.

"See anything yet?" I asked my wingman.

"Nothing, sir!"

"How about you?" I asked the Element lead.

"Nope!"

"How about the away team?"

"WE AIN'T FOUND SHIT!"

I blinked. "No need for cursing until you get a splinter."

"Very well, sir." *Wince* "HOW ABOUT NOW, FAGGOT!"

"Good mare."

"Griffins behind us, sir."

"Shit."

"Keep calm, guys."

"I WILL NOT KEEP CALM, I WILL RAISE HELL AND BREAK SHIT!"

From inside the wreck, loud smacking noises came out.

"OH, YES! YES! MORE!"

"Sir, permission beat the crap out of this mare?"

"What's she doing?"

"...Beating the crap out of my friend."

"Then why does she sound like-"

"YES! SCREAM FOR ALL THE AUDIENCE TO HEAR!"

"No, she's not having sex."

"Sure as hell sounds like it."

"Sir! The griffins!"

The griffins had been suspended in the air so that all that could happen.

"You know, I wonder what I'm doing here."

"You asked that question a billion times."

"No, million. After all, why billion when we can have million?" Then, the griffins rammed my Barrel. "Yeah. I probably should have listened to you."

I woke up in....a jail cell. Not surprising.

Two griffin guards forced me out and took me through a winding path.

"Ooh. Gold. And gems. Fancy statue-" *crack* "Whoops."

They chained me into a gold chair far away from the table full of pastries and a massive turkey...cannibalism...

Then I noticed a griffin across from me.

"Human." Huh, a mare or whatever a female griffin is called.

"There should be a Lieutenant in there somewhere." I groaned. "These chains are going to kill me."

"RELEASE THE CHAINS!" She shrieked in a high pitched voice. Ouch, my eardrums.

"Thank you..." I kicked one pastry onto a chandelier.

"Now, I want to strike a bargain."

"What's your name?"

"Queen Gilda."

"Ah, the fat bastard who nearly killed Pinkie Pie, eh?" I tried to reach for a strawberry.

"I want to find the fountain of youth."

"Why should I care?"

"I-" She slammed a fist on the table. "-will not-" She did it again. "-have-" *slam* "-fucking-" *slam* "-ponies-" *slam* "-gain-" *slam* "-immortality!"

"That's a slight bit ironic." I paced back and forth. In a flash, I pulled out my Colt .45 and shot one of the supports for the pastry chandelier. It began to rock back and forth. The guards yelped as I went over to a window and threw a chair out. One charged at me, which I lassoed and let him fall out.

"Toodleoo, bitches!" I was yanked up to a ledge, then grabbing the pastry from earlier on the chandelier, swung up to a balcony. Before I left, I added some salt to the wound. "You guys really need to watch Pirates of the Caribbean."

"So, how was your shore excursion?"

"Shuddap."