Twilight Sparkle Fucks the Featured box

"Oh my god! Take it! Take it!" the purple unicorn who is totally Twilight Sparkle and not just a pony name stuck onto the author's avatar yelled. "Take my literature! You dirty, dirty feature box. I will ruin you!"

Twilight turned towards the writer. "What the hay is this? I don't act like that at all!"

Then Twilight's penis became lodged in the 5th spot.

"What!? I'm a mare!"

Not today you're not. See, it's an extended metaphor for poorly framed meta-fiction. Everybody fucking loves this garbage, so you're going to fuck that featured box silly.

"Can't you at least attempt to frame this as a story? I mean, Cold in Gardez did and that was hilarious!" Twilight blushed as she remembered reading her romance story aloud. Why she was embarrassed about reading smut in public escaped the author, because she was currently balls deep in Knighty's HTML.

"That doesn't even make any sense."

It doesn't have to. This is meta-fiction. I can do whatever I bloody damn well please.

The featured box (see "box" equals "vagina"; I told you it was metaphorific) moaned-

"How–"

Shut up. Meta.

The featured box moaned as Twilight pumped in an out of it. Clop was popular on FimFic today, and meta was too. Maybe now people would love her.

"Nopony could possibly love this."

IT'S META! Stop pointing out how stupid it is and just fucking go with the flow. Celestia's sunny cheeks Twilight. It's like you care about be presented in character or something.

"You know that other fic wasn't usingactual sex, right?"

Yes. I am aware. He wanted to whore himself out to EqD. They don't post sex, but they do post drivel.

"Don't you want this to be popular too?"

Hell no. Anypony who faves this is getting blocked (not an idle threat).

Anyway, back to you, pony who is totally Twilight and not a strawpony, fucking the featured box.

Oh look! Somepony read this. I guess that's like, um, the box tightening on your quivering member or something. Yeah, we'll go with that. Sex is funny, right?

"You know, this is really immature. You could just make a blog post, like Absolute did, about how stupid the featured box is."

It's not stupid Twilight, it's sexy. At least, Twilight found it to be.

"Oh damn, Featured Box!" Twilight yells–

"Tense slip."

Fuck you, Twilight, it's meta. It doesn't have to make sense.

"It's still wrong."

Fine.

"Oh damn, Featured Box!" Twilight yelled because this is past tense. "Your nether lips are sucking my cock so well!"

"Oh Stars and Moon, that is the worst description of sex I've ever read. 'Nether lips?' Do you have any idea how unerotic that sounds?"

It's meta. Deal with it. Dot jay pee gee.

"Why did you-"

Because Fimfic requires one thousand (and one; off by one errors are fun) words to be postable now.

"What are you at?"

Not counting this? Five hundred and twelve.

"What if you counted everything?"

Twilight, do I look like the XKCD guy? Recursive humor belongs to him. Also, I made a non-pony reference, look how edgy and relevant I am.

Anonymous User 1172 said, "It's terrible, but I am actually getting a sick sort of amusement from this."

Good, it's not supposed to be good, it's supposed to be META!

"How is that?"

How should I bloody know? I'm writing this in a room full of screaming children jumping on bounce houses.

"Celestia won't let me play in bounce–"

Finish that reference and I'm writing you into a Flim Flam clopfic.

Anyway, back to my satire through extended metaphor.

Every time a fave or thumbs up comes in, Twilight cums a little. Not that is is remotely possible according to basic physiology, but this is a meta-fic; I don't have to actually pay attention to anything other than the commentary I'm trying to make.

"Don't you have real stories you should be writing?" Twilight asked. Because it was tagged with dialogue, she also helped the author get close to completing his second fimfic troll fic.

Yes I do. See the comment about screaming children and bounce houses.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh," Twilight yelled as one of the writers the author actually respects liked this work and found a sick sort of humor in it.

To randomly aside again, I'm not sure what breaking the fifth wall would entail. Presumably Pinkie Pie could answer that, but she's too busy teaching Rainbow Dash how to play adult hide and seek.

"Is that another sexual reference?"

Yes. Yes it is. Look! I quoted Phineas! Crossover tag!

Twilight moaned in ecstasy as yet another small number of viewers were intrigued by the presence of a crossover tag. Her balls twitched and she began to close in on her peek.

"Could you at least use 'he'? This is just fucked up."

Don't swear, Twilight. It's out of character.

"You're actually worried about that at all?"

No.

"Luna's moon!" Twilight was totally an ass girl; Look it up, it's canon. She loves a good plot.

The author smugly checked off yet another thing on the list of things never to do in pony fiction.

"I think I prefer Pinkie's slash fiction. It's at least cute and slightly hot."

Shut up. For the next seventy words or so, you're mine. You can go back to meaningful fiction later. Right now, you're too busy being meta.

"What the hell does that even mean?"

It means this fic isn't a story. It's an opinion piece wrapped up in the trappings of a story so I can pretend it's anything other than a blog post with double quotes and a "she said" tacked onto the end. Not that it can't be done right, several people have, but I decided not to even bother with the attempt. Now I've exceeded 1000 words, I should probably stop.

"Thank Celestia."

At the mention of the alicorn ruler and her surrogate mother, Twilight came.

"I fucking hate you."

I do too, Twilight.