My Little Pony: Behind the Friendship

Well, this is a highly experimental oneshot unless it gets positive reception, so here we go.

I trotted into the interview booth, an envelope of magic holding my quill and paper aloft.  I planted my hindquarters on the padded wood chair, and began the interview.

"So, Mister..."  I said.

"Coltantino."  Mr. Coltantino replied.

"Right, so, where did the brains behind the most popular transdimensional television program get his idea?"  I inquired, quill at the ready.

"Well, it all began after I had been in Ponyville for the shooting of a scene in my astounding work, 'Glorious Turds', a documentary on the excretory system of ponies, and wanted to interview a local pegasus who refuses to consume anything other than muffins.  During it, however, there was a raucous outside that utterly ruined the mood of the shot.  I personally went outside to investigate it, and found that a group of completely inconsiderate ponies were observing their friend as she went out of her way to bring a group of Parasprites onto set!  And while playing every imaginable instrument at the same time!  But I was inspired!  I shoved aside my rage and asked to document their lives!  They agreed!  And I told them to start from when they had first met.  It took oh so long to reenact all of their prior activities, but it was worth it!"  Coltantino proclaimed.

"Yes, so what was it like recreating their lives?"  I asked.

"Oh, it was horrendously complex to accurately portray it, but we had a good time!  Right, Golden Reel?"  Coltantino said to a pony, no older than a little filly, struggled with a camcorder and forced out a puny nod.  "Good boy.  But anyways, let me go into more detail.  We started with the Return of Nightmare Moon..."

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"Must we wear this shoddy costume?  Is our present form unworthy of such a great pony?!"  Luna sarcastically commented as she smothered herself in black paint.

"Yes, this has to be AUTHENTIC.  Do I have to spell it out?"  Coltantino said.  "Now get back to dressing, we film in an hour."

"Uh, Mister Coltin-"

"NEVER ADDRESS ME BY MY FIRST NAME, YOU INSIGNIFICANT WHELP!"  Coltin Coltantino shouted at Twilight Sparkle.

"Mister Coltantino, why do you insist on portraying me as a unicorn?"  Rarity, really an earth pony, asked as a white horn was superglued to her forehead.

"Equality.  I don't want another 'Pegasi have inferior Excretory Systems' incident."  Coltin clarified.

"Then shouldn't I be a pegasus then?"  Rarity asked.

"It's easier to simulate magic instead of flight.  Now finish gluing that to your face."  Coltin said.

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"So it seems that there were some... difficulties?"  I asked.

"Ah yes, 'difficulties.'" Coltin said as he formed airquotes with his hooves, a nearly impossible feat for ponies.

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"And, take one!  ACTION!"  Coltantino shouted.

"My little pony, My little pony, ahh ahh ahh ahh-"  The cast began to sing in harmony.

"NO, YOU BUCKING MORONS!  ONLY TWILIGHT SINGS THIS PART!  TAKE TWO! GO!"  Coltin said furiously.

"My little pony, My little pony, ahh ahh ahh, My lit-"  Twilight sang, alone, quivering, and anxious.

"ARGH!  THERE'S FOUR AHHS!  FORGET IT!  WE CAN DO THIS LATER, YOU INCOMPETENT-"  Coltantino screamed.

"ENOUGH OF THIS ABUSE!  WE QUIT!"  Luna exclaimed in her Royal Canterlot voice, and flew away into the air.

"YOU CAN'T QUIT!  YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT!"  Coltin said at the top of his lungs.

"BUCK THE CONTRACT!  WE ARE ROYALTY, IMBECILIC PEASANT!"  Luna returned.

"I AM NO MERE PEASANT!  I AM THE GREATEST DIRECTOR EQUESTRIA HAS EVER SEEN!"  Coltin replied.  In his tirade he didn't notice Twilight sneaking up behind him with a bucket, cupcake, and encyclopedia.

"Buck!  Now we need a new Nightmare Moon!  Reel, go find somepony who'll fit!"  Coltin ordered, and the intern darted into town square as his boss was lured into a dark alleyway using a cupcake, have a bucket slammed over his head, and an encyclopedia smashed on the bucket, causing it to vibrate comically, knocking Coltin unconscious.

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"Wait, so you never actually filmed anything?"  I said.

"Well, you could say that..."  He replied

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Coltin squinted at the sudden flood of light as the sack over his head was removed.  He was in a cart, on top of a hill in some sort of orchard.  His mouth was sealed shut with a lavender hue, and turned his head to see Twilight and the rest of the cast with his equipment.  He tried to shout at them, but to no avail.

"Welcome, to..."  Twilight said, pausing dramatically.

"JACKASS EQUESTRIA!"  Rarity, Applejack, Luna, and every single abused intern and actress simultaneously shouted.

"Now, in this here episode, we're gonna send this buck-face director here down a hill in a broken cart."  Applejack said, Coltin grunting in response.  Applejack trotted to the back of the cart, and bucked it, aiming too high on purpose, hitting the abusive Director square in the head.  She received a satisfying, muted cry of pain in response.

"Oops!  Lemme try again."  She sarcastically said, and bucked the back of the cart as hard as she could, sending it flying down the hill at breakneck speeds.  The gagged Coltin gave a muted cry as the cart narrowly swerved by trees.  The cart gained even more speed, and eventually the hill leveled out.  Just when he though he was safe, he realized he was on a giant seesaw.

"Applejack, this can't be that hard.  If you hit it, then I can do it on my first try, no sweat."  Rainbow Dash said, preparing to jump off of the platform.

"Ah, you'll swallow those words."  Applejack replied, and stepped back.  Rainbow Dash jumped, and impacted directly next to the target, sending a cloud of dirt into the air.  She moaned in pain, and lifted herself up, a pony-shaped imprint in the earth.  Applejack laughed to the point of crying, and taunted her.

"Heh.  Y'all just watch this now, ya hear?"  She said, and leaped from the platform, landing square on the target, sending Coltin and the cart hurtling into the stratosphere.

"How?!"  Twilight exclaimed.  "For that acceleration to be possible you'd have to... be made of dark matter!"

"A little trick ah learned a few days ago."  Applejack said.

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"But if that's what happened, why are you credited with it?"  I inquired.

"They left my name in the credits as the executive producer.  They forgot to edit me out."  Coltin chuckled, and got up.

"Thanks for the interview."  I said, and reached for a concealed button under the table.  Coltin headed to the doorway, and was struck by a massive foam hand that swung from the doorframe, expertly hidden.

"WELCOME BACK TO JACKASS EQUESTRIA, BITCH!"  I shouted, and hi-hoofed Twilight as she walked out from a secret door behind a bookshelf.