Chapters You come to me with scars on your wrist.
Twilight Sparkle sighed contently as she walked into the lounge room with a cup of hot cocoa in one hand, and a good book held in her other. The crackle and bright flames of the logs burning in the fireplace, created the perfect atmosphere for a bit of romantic reading before she went to bed. Though Twilight wasn’t the kind of pony who read romance novels very often, she sometimes indulged herself with some heartwarming fiction. Once she was settled comfortably enough on the couch, Twilight took a sip of her hot cocoa and began her journey through the pages of her book.
However, before she even got past the first sentence, a soft knock sounded at her door. Twilight thought she had imagined it at first, as it was so faint, but a second knock told her somepony was outside in the freezing blizzard like conditions. Wandering who would be stupid enough to go out in such extreme conditions, Twilight wrapped the blanket tighter around her body and answered the door.
Icy cold wind and snow instantly blew into the library chasing away the warmth and, caused the fire to sputter and almost die out. “Rainbow,” Twilight said recognizing her friend’s colorful mane, “what on earth are you...” Before Twilight could finish her sentence, Rainbow fell forward into the Alicorn’s arms covering the front of Twilight’s pajamas in warm crimson liquid. Twilight screamed, and stared in horror at the blood seeping from several deep cuts lacerating Rainbow’s wrists.
“Rainbow what did you do?” Twilight’s words were lost on the unconcious pegasus, who had passed out from blood loss and exhaustion. Moving fast, Twilight pulled Rainbow into her home and used her magic to bring the fire back to life, before focusing her magical energies on stopping Rainbow’s wounds from bleeding.
For Twilight, the next several hours passed in a blurry haze as all the medical knowledge she had ever studied took over her body, and she cleaned and took care of Rainbow. By the time Twilight was finished, she had cleaned and sewn the deep cuts shut, and wrapped them in a thick protective covering of bandages. She had so many questions running through her mind but, the main one she had was ‘why?’ Why would Rainbow do something like this to herself? The next one Twilight had was, ‘how long had this been going on for?’
With shaky hands, Twilight pulled one of Rainbow’s sleeves up Revealing older and scars and cuts. Twilight’s throat was dry, and she suddenly felt very dizzy, tears stung her eyes, and she pulled Rainbow into her embrace. “I’m so sorry Dashie!” Twilight wept. “I should have known something was wrong with you. What kind of friend am I?”
The smell and taste of copper hung heavily in the air causing Twilight’s stomach to churn, and she barely made it to the sink before her stomach relieved its self of its contents. Once Twilight was done, she took a drink of refreshing cold water straight from the tap and slid to the floor, fresh tears stinging her eyes. She didn’t know what to do from here, she didn’t know how she was going to deal with this, she only knew she was going to be there for her friend.
Twilight stood and wiped the tears from her eyes, before walking back to the lounge room where Rainbow was still lying unconscious next to the fire. The pegasus was still covered in blood, and Twilight realized she was too. “Let’s get cleaned up,” Twilight muttered picking Rainbow up in her magical grasp, and carrying her to the bathroom.
Twilight filled the bath with hot water, and she hesitated a moment before pulling Rainbow’s clothes off. However, she only got down to Rainbow’s bra, before she fell to her knees in front of the toilet and threw up once more. Rainbow’s entire stomach and chest was covered in a lattice work of what could only be scars caused from a whip, as was her entire back. “I’m so sorry,” Twilight whispered stroking her friend’s hair. “I should have have noticed you were going through such a dark time.”
Twilight took a deep breath trying to calm herself down, but the scars covering Rainbow’s body were a constant reminder of how she had failed as a friend. “I’ll make it up to you Rainbow, I swear no matter what, I’ll make it up to you.”
Twilight removed Rainbow’s jeans revealing more whip scars down her legs and thighs, but what commanded the Alicorn’s attention was the white diaper covered by cyan colored panties. More questions flooded her mind, but Twilight pushed them away for another time, right now she was only focused on taking care of her friend.
Once Rainbow was completely undressed, Twilight placed her in the bathtub being careful not to get water on the bandages covering Rainbow’s wrists. And the bath water slowly became crimson as Twilight washed the blood Rainbow’s fur, and when she was finally done, she could feel her stomach ready to empty its contents for the third time that night. Thankfully Twilight was able to finish cleaning and drying Rainbow off without throwing up again, and she found a pair of pajamas for Rainbow to wear.
Half an hour later, Twilight herself was clean again, and she was carrying Rainbow back downstairs into the lounge room where she placed her on the couch and moved it closer to the fire. Twilight covered the sleeping pegasus with a blanket, and just as she was about to leave Rainbow grabbed her wrist with a weak grip.
“Stay with me,” Rainbow implored looking at Twilight with wide fearful eyes. For a moment Twilight was shocked, she had never seen Rainbow so scared and vulnerable as she was now, but she wasn’t just scared she was absolutely terrified.
‘I’ll stay with you,” Twilight whispered, and used her magic to levitate some sheets from upstairs. She made herself as comfortable as she could, and fell to sleep on the floor beside the couch.
I'm Fine... But I Know it's a Lie
Darkness.
Darkness was the only thing I’ve seen for what seemed an eternity. Darkness was my only companion and friend. Then the darkness began slowly withdrawing, I tried desperately to hold onto it, but it was like trying to hold water in a open hand, and the darkness slipped away. As I woke, I became aware of a burning sensation between my legs where my virginity had been cruelly and mercilessly taken away from me. The sound of a key turning in my cell’s lock made me whimper and hide in the shadows of my corner as best I could, and a stallion dressed in dark clothes, wearing a hood to hide his face, stepped into my cell. And I knew I was waking to another nightmare.
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As consciousness returned to Rainbow, the smell of cooking pancakes slowly drifted into her senses, and sunlight stung her eyes. Rainbow went to cover her eyes from the harsh light, but stopped when she saw her bandaged covered wrists.
“What the hay?” Rainbow muttered, gazing in confusion at her wrists. Her mind was plagued with more confusion as she realized she wasn’t in her cloud house, but on a couch in Twilight’s library, and wearing a pair of Twilight’s pajamas. She tried to piece together what happened last night that could have led up to these circumstances, but all she got was a blur of hazy nightmarish images. Then it dawned on her. “It happened again,” Rainbow whispered to herself.
“Oh you’re awake.”
Rainbow looked up at Twilight whose eyes were blood shot, and had tear stains running down the fur on her face. The Alicorn placed a plate of delicious looking pancakes on the coffee table, and stepped back. “What happened last night?” Rainbow asked picking up one of the pancakes.
Twilight frowned at her. “You don’t remember?”
“No. The only thing I remember is blacking out when I was making myself a snack. Than I woke up here.”
Twilight sat down next to Rainbow, worry, concern, and regret etched into her face. “Rainbow, last night you came here bleeding profusely from several deep cuts on your wrist. If you had been a minute later, you could have died. I’m not going to pretend what you’re going through, and I know it’s none of my business, but I need to understand why you did this to yourself...”
“You’re right,” Rainbow said placing her half eaten pancake down. “You don’t know what I’m going through, and it is none of your business.”
Twilight hesitated and placed a comforting hand on Rainbow’s shoulder. “I just want you to know I’m here for you, and I’m always going to be here for...” Twilight’s voice broke and for a moment she looked like she was about to cry. Twilight took a deep breath composing herself. “I want you to stay here with me for the next couple of days.”
Rainbow frowned, and pulled Twilight’s hand away from her. “Why?”
“Rainbow, you attempted suicide last night, and you’ve been cutting yourself for a while now. I also saw the whip marks covering your body, and the diaper you were wearing.”
Rainbow blushed and looked away from Twilight. “Sometimes I can’t control my bladder.”
“You’re incontinent?”
“Kinda. It only happens sometimes, and it only affects my bladder.”
Twilight looked thoughtful. “How long have you been like this?”
Rainbow snarled angrily at Twilight. “I’m not going to have a therapy session with you. And I’m not going to be staying here with you. I’m fine...”
“You’re not ‘fine’ Rainbow! Have you seen yourself. You’re the complete opposite of fine. You need help.”
“Leave me alone Twilight!” Before Twilight could say anything else, Rainbow ran out the door and shot off into the air.
Fresh tears slid down Twilight face and she hugged herself tightly. “I was just trying to be a good friend,” Twilight whispered to the empty where Rainbow had just been. Twilight wiped her eyes and stood on shaky legs. Rainbow may not want her help, but she needed it. With that thought in mind, Twilight flared her wings, and flew out the door after her friend.
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“Stupid Twilight,” Rainbow muttered, landing on a cloud. “I don’t need help.” But even as she said those words a worm of doubt crawled into her mind, as she stared at her bandaged covered wrists. A part of her wanted to talk to somepony about what was happening to her, but the most part of her didn’t want to burden her friends with her problems, these were her scars and hers alone.
“RAINBOW!”
Rainbow turned around just as Twilight landed on her cloud. “I told you I don’t want to talk about it, Twilight!”
“Well I’m not going to sit idly by while you hurt yourself like this, for Celestia’s sake Rainbow, you almost killed yourself last night. If hadn’t of helped...”
Rainbow snarled and pushed Twilight away, and she almost fell of the cloud. “I WISHED YOU HADN’T! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST LET ME DIE!” Twilight flinched as though she had been physically hit and fresh tears slid down her face. Rainbow groaned and bent over grabbing her head. “I’m... sorry Twi. I... -GAH!- I don’t know what came over me.”
Twilight hesitantly moved closer to her friend and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Rainbow, you need to let me help you, okay?”
Rainbow shook her head. “You can’t help me Twi. You saw the scars, I’m too fucked up.”
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“So how long have you been self-harming?” Twilight asked. It taken a lot of pleading and persuasion, but Twilight had finally managed to convince Rainbow to come back to the library with her and have at least one talk, and see where things went from there.
“Around three months now.” Twilight made a small noise and Rainbow noticed the Alicorn’s eyes were glistening with tears. “You okay Twi?”
Twilight wiped her eyes. “I’ll be fine Rainbow. Let’s continue. What caused you to start harming yourself?”
Rainbow frowned thoughtfully. “I’m not sure. I just woke up one morning bleeding from several cuts on my arms. I had no memory of doing that to myself, I just remember the feeling of how good it felt, like I was finally happy.”
Twilight frowned and read over what she had written down. “What did you mean when you said you had no memory of harming yourself.”
“Exactly that. It was like I had a huge blank space in my mind.”
“And what about the whipping scars.”
Rainbow hesitated. “I don’t remember what happened with that either. But it happened several days before the first time I cut myself.”
“What about you incontinence, when did that start?”
Rainbow shrugged. “Around the same time.”
Twilight wrote down a few more notes and bit her lip thoughtfully. “So all this started around three months ago, the whip marks, the cutting, and your incontinence. And for some reason you’re also having memory blanks in relation to these problems.” Twilight stared thoughtfully at her notes, it was like the answer she was looking for was hiding in plain sight but she just couldn’t see it. “Rainbow if it’s okay with you, I’d like to continue these sessions more regularly. And I still believe you should stay with me, at least for a couple of days.”
“Fuck that!” Rainbow said angrily, “I’m not...”
“Rainbow Dash! This is your life we’re talking about here. If these blackouts and memory loss are the reason for your self-harming, than you’re in serious danger of hurting yourself even more, or you could even hurt somepony else without even realizing it.”
“I don’t... fuck!” Rainbow said, placing a hand over her crotch and running to the bathroom, with a few drops of liquid leaking between her fingers.
“Oh Rainbow,” Twilight sighed, levitating a washcloth across the floor. “I just want to help you. Why is that so hard for you to see?” The Alicorn followed the trail of yellow liquid to the bathroom where Rainbow slammed the door on her.
“Just leave me alone Twilight!”
“Do you need any help, Rainbow?”
“NO!”
“Could I get you another diaper?”
Rainbow was silent for a moment. “I have some in my room, in a box under my bed.”
“I’ll be back in a moment.” Twilight’s horn glowed and she disappeared in a flash of violet light, and reappeared in Rainbow’s cloud house. The smell of metal hung heavily in the air, and Twilight paled at the thick crimson trail of blood leading from the kitchen to the front door. Holding a hand over her mouth and nose to block out the scent of blood, Twilight walked into Rainbow’s room where she grabbed the box of diapers from under the bed, and a new set of Rainbow’s clothes from the wardrobe.
“Rainbow, I’m back!” Twilight called out once she teleported back into the library. “I’ve got your diapers, and a new set of clothes.” The door to the bathroom opened and Rainbow walked out with a towel wrapped around her chest. Twilight’s mouth went dry, and a tear slid down her face, as she openly stared at the scars covering Rainbow’s body.
“Mind if I have a shower?” Rainbow asked, not caring about Twilight’s reaction to the damage done to her body.
“S-sure. Just try not to wet the bandages.” Without even a thankyou Rainbow grabbed the items from Twilight’s hands, and disappeared back into the bathroom. Twilight was about to walk away when Rainbow’s voice stopped her.
“Hey Twi, could you come in here for a sec?” Twilight hesitated a moment before walking into the bathroom where Rainbow was sitting on the toilet lid still dressed in her towel.
“What’s the matter Rainbow?” Rainbow closed her eyes and looked away from Twilight.
“I just wanted to apologize. I know you’re just trying to help me, and I’ve been treating you pretty awful. It’s just... some part of me doesn’t your help, and I get really annoyed and angry whenever you offer it. And that’s something a friend shouldn’t do.” Rainbow finally looked Twilight in the eyes. “So I’m sorry.”
Twilight smiled and pulled Rainbow into a hug. “Whatever you’re going through Rainbow, I promise I’m going to do my best to be there for you, and help you through this.”
Rainbow returned the hug. “Thanks Twi. But please be patient with me and try not to get too upset. And whatever you do, don’t tell anypony else about this. Promise.”
“I promise I won’t tell anypony else, Rainbow. But please think about wat I said about moving in with me, there’s still some chance of you blacking out and not just hurting yourself, but somepony else.”
Rainbow hesitated, than nodded. “I’ll think about it.”
Cold metal cuffs bind my wrists above my head, and tight ropes bound my legs apart putting my most intimate and private parts on display. I have no idea how long I’ve been lying on this cold metal table like this, it seems like hours have passed, but in reality it has only been minutes. The stallion dressed in dark clothes that had taken me from my cell walked into the room still wearing his hood. I struggled against my bonds trying to break free, but the chains and ropes held me fast in my place.
“Why are you doing this?!” I yelled. The stallion remains silent and picks something up off a table I can’t see from my position. But I soon discover it is a small sharp scalpel. I stop struggling and stare at the blade with fear and apprehension. “What are you doing?” The stallion placed the blade on my stomach, and I scream as it leaves a long deep crimson trail in its wake. Then the stallion speaks for the first time.
“While you are here, I am going to teach you both pleasure and pain. While you are here, you are mine.”
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“...I don’t know what started this,” said Rainbow staring at the bandages on her wrists. “At times I just feel so... so... angry, but sometimes I feel sad, like... I don’t know, like I just don’t want to live anymore. But when I cut myself, it’s like everything just... goes away, I feel peace.”
Twilight paused in taking notes, and stared at Rainbow. “What about the months before you started self harming. Surely something happened during that period of time that made you start feeling this way. Something like this just doesn’t start overnight.”
“I don’t know Twi!” Rainbow shouted, and started pacing restlessly around the library. “I said before I don’t know what started this. Whenever I try to think back to when I started feeling this way, I just get massive headaches...”
Twilight’s head shot up at that, and Rainbow paused her pacing. “What?”
“What kind of headaches?”
“What do you mean?” Twilight sighed in exasperation, and for the first time in three hours she was becoming impatient.
“Exactly that! When you start to think about what caused you to start cutting, what kind of headaches do you get? Do your headaches build up slowly? Or are they a flash of pain?”
“I don’t know! A bit of both maybe.”
Twilight bit her lip and made another note on her scroll. Once again she felt as though the answer was staring her right in the eyes but she just couldn’t find it. She went to say something, but Rainbow cut her off.
“You mind if we take a break Twi? We’ve been at this for three hours now. I’m actually pretty hungry.”
Twilight glanced at the clock on the wall and realized Rainbow was right. “Okay Rainbow, let’s take a break and get some lunch. Sugarcube Corner sound good?”
Rainbow shrugged. “Sure.”
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“Hey Twilight! Hey Rainbow!” Pinkie Pie greeted as the two ponies walked into the shop.
“Hey Pinkie,” Rainbow muttered.
Pinkie noticed Rainbow’s dejected tone, and looked at her friend with concern. “What’s the matter Dashie? You seem sad.”
Rainbow hesitated. “I’m fine Pinkie, I just had a really bad night, last night.”
“Would you like a cookie? I always find cookies are great for when you’re sad and down. Or how ‘bout some hot chocolate. Hot chocolate is great for when it’s all cold and snowy outside. Or even hot chocolate and cookies...”
“That would be great Pinkie,” Twilight said over the excited pink party pony. A few minutes later the two ponies were sitting at a table warming themselves with their hot chocolate and cookies. They ate in silence for a few moments before Twilight broke it. “What about your foal hood?” Rainbow looked at her in confusion. “Did something happen to you when you were a foal? Were you abused?”
“Not really. Sure there were a few bullies, but nothing ever too serious. And my parents were pretty good.”
Twilight frowned thoughtfully and took a sip of hot chocolate. “Have you given anymore thought about moving in with me?”
Rainbow fidgeted with her cup looking unsure. “It’s only for a couple of days right?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
“A lot of things Rainbow. In reality you need to be seeing a professional councilor, but obviously you’re not going to do that, so that means I need to help you. And to do that I need to run a few tests on your psychological, and physical state.”
“Just as long as it doesn’t interfere with my weather duties, and training.” Just then the bell above the door rang as the lunch crowd started trickling in, putting an end to their discussion.
“Hello darlings,” Rarity greeted as she walked up to their table with several packages held in her magical grasp. “You won’t believe the fiasco I just went through getting my new line of winter fashion done in time. But despite almost experiencing a mental breakdown I managed it, and as a way of celebrating I’ve got a gift for each of you.” Rarity gave them each a package before walking up to Pinkie at the counter.
“Can we go now?” Rainbow asked downing the rest of her hot chocolate.
“Okay. But why do you want to suddenly leave like this?”
“I don’t know,” Rainbow muttered. “I’m just feeling really annoyed being here.”
Twilight gathered her stuff up and left a few bits on the table for their meal. “Is this a recent feeling for you? Or do you often feel annoyed being here?”
“Are you seriously trying to have a shrink session with me now, Twilight?”
“I’m just trying to help, Rainbow.”
Rainbow sighed and looked to the ground. “I know Twi. I’m just getting the start of a migraine, which will probably mean I won’t be able to do my training today.”
Twilight led the way out of Sugarcube Corner and made her way back to the library. “Do these migraines happen often?”
“Sometimes.”
Twilight bit her lip thoughtfully and stored away that piece of information. “Rainbow, I have a theory about what could be causing these blackouts and migraines. I’ll have to do a bit more studying to be sure, but I’m confident I can actually help you.”
Rainbow’s ears perked up. “Really?”
Twilight nodded confidently. “Yes. Go back to your home, grab whatever you think you’ll need for your duration of time staying with me, and when you get back to the library I should have either confirmed or busted my theory.”
“Okay, so I’ll see you in a couple of hours than.”
Twilight watched Rainbow fly off, and she teleported back into her library. Praying with every fiber in her being that she was wrong, Twilight pulled her notes out of their hiding place, and began going through them. Rainbow’s blackouts, blank memory spots, and migraines, were all symptoms of a pony having their memories modified. Rainbow had said her symptoms started three months ago... Twilight glanced over her time period notes, and she felt the blood drain from her face. “It’s all my fault Dashie...” Twilight whispered before falling to her knees and throwing up.