The Merc With the Moth

Chapters

Ask A Friend...I have one, right?
We Don't Need No Stinkin' Sitter!
That's My Girl!
Uncle Fuzzy
If you can dodge a bullet, then you can dodge a ball! ...or a truck...or a rocket...or Uncle Fuzzy...
Now it's my turn to dodge!
You Didn't Keep Score?
QC: A Rather Silly Place
World's Best Dad
World's Best Daughter
Pomp and Culture
An Education
First!
Game On!
Bouncy!
Rampage!
Fun!
Pursuit
...Logic!
On Schedule
Das Boot!
The Ultimate Cliffhanger
Broken By The Wall
Back to Comedy
Bonus Content
All Grown Up
Parenting Problems
Operation: Grandpa
The End of the Story
Conquest is Shiny
Quit pulling my strings!
Do you want to be my brother? Well, too bad! You are!
Three Trials?

Ask A Friend...I have one, right?

After a time, Chrysalis stopped giggling and curled up in Deadpool's lap for a nap.

"She's so adorable when she's sleeping."

"Be honest. At this size, she's adorable no matter what she's doing."

"Even if she were eating somebody's face off?"

Deadpool and the voices in his head took time to ponder that mental image. A thought bubble appeared over his head with an image of tiny filly Chrysalis eating the face off her screaming victim as she made adorable nom nom sounds.

"Yes," Stuffy confirmed. "Still adorable."

"Now I wanna see that for real!" Crazy added.

"She needs teeth first," Deadpool pointed out. Standing up carefully, he carried her to his bedroom, which was just as messy as it had always been. Walking over to one corner, he shifted a large pile of junk aside to clear a space before setting Chrysalis down on the life size Fluttershy plushy on his bed, right next to the Discord dakimakura. Turning back to the corner, he pulled out a great deal of wood, hammers, nails, and other carpentry tools.

In a blur of activity that somehow managed to be quiet, he built a rocking crib that played "Hush Now, Quiet Now" from a music box every time it rocked. Laying down several blankets, pillows, and a plushy version of himself in the crib, he gently set Chrysalis inside. She immediately curled up in the crib, hugging the plushy tight to her chest as she nibbled on the head.

"Daw! She's even cute when she's eating our face!" Crazy cooed.

"It's disturbing how adorable that is," Stuffy muttered.

Deadpool stared at Chrysalis' slumbering form for a time, then turned and walked somberly from the room. He sat down in his favorite armchair, staring at nothing.

"Wade?" Stuffy asked. "Is everything alright? You're...rather quiet."

"Even in here!" Crazy added.

Deadpool sighed. "What the hell am I going to do?" he asked. "Obviously, I'm going to have to raise her...but I have no clue how to handle kids! I mean, what about my life screams 'kid friendly' to anyone? I already failed once before as a father, and I wasn't even involved for most of it."

"That was an alternate universe," Stuffy pointed out.

"And it's my only parenting experience!" he proclaimed angrily. "I'm not cut out for this!" He hunched over, holding his head near his knees. "I'm going to screw up...I'm going to do something stupid or crazy or dangerous at just the wrong time, and I'm going to destroy her entire life because of it!"

"Alternatively, it could make her better?" Crazy offered.

"What are the chances of that?" Deadpool asked. "Let's face it..." He pulled his mask up to look his deformed face right in the mirror. "Is this the face of a father?"

Crazy and Stuffy were silent for a time. Eventually, Deadpool pulled his mask back down. "See? What can I do?"

"Maybe we could ask someone for help?" Crazy offered. "Use a lifeline to call a friend?"

"Not a bad idea," Stuffy pointed out. "But who do we ask?"

Deadpool scratched his chin. "Well...who do we know who has kids?"

"Magneto?" Crazy offered.

"One child who's all but brainwashed in his service, and one who hates his guts. Not a good choice," Stuffy pointed out.

"Xavier, maybe? He has students at that school of his."

"And do you remember what happened last time we visited said school?"

"Hey! I thought the reference was funny!" Deadpool complained.

"Asking a class of 13 year olds if they want to see a dead body before shooting yourself in the head is not appropriate guest speaker behavior," Stuffy scolded.

All three fell silent as they went over those they knew who had kids.

"Wolverine?" Crazy finally suggested. "He has kids in this universe...right?"

"As far as we know," Stuffy replied. "But he's still not talking to us after what we did to the Blackbird."

"Man..." Deadpool griped. "Is there anyone we know we haven't pissed off to the point they'd shoot us before we get a word out?"

At the moment he said that, a blazing light appeared behind him in the apartment. When it faded, a familiar future figure had appeared.

"Wade!" Cable barked. "I need your assistance to prevent a terrible dark future!"

"Speak of the time travelling devil!" Deadpool said eagerly, leaping over the chair. "A friend who isn't going to shoot me on sight! Cable, I need your help to prevent a terrible dark future!"

Cable blinked. "...explain," he said finally.

"I need parenting advice!" Deadpool wailed, sinking to his knees and clutching Cable's weapon belt imploringly.

Cable stared down at Deadpool for a time. He then opened his canteen and examined the chemical composition on its contents, only to be disappointed to discover that, no, his water had not been tainted with any number of hallucinogens that could explain this logically. Nor did it contain alcohol that could make this easier to deal with. "Perhaps you should start at the beginning," Cable explained.

"Easier to show then tell," Deadpool explained. "Come this way, but be quiet." He led Cable quietly into the bedroom. "She's over there," he whispered, pointing to the crib.

Cable glanced at the crib under two very different but still somewhat disturbing wall posters.

Doing his best to ignore the posters, he examined the crib's occupant. "Wade...where did you find this...creature?"

"On my doorstep in a box labeled 'the plot'," Deadpool replied. He approached the crib and stared lovingly at the tiny bundle currently sleep-eating his plushy's face off. "Isn't she adorable?"

As Cable stared, glancing from the infant to Deadpool to the room itself, only one thought crossed his mind. Oh my god, he's a parent!

"Oh, I love that webshow!" Deadpool proclaimed, having read Cable's thought bubble. "But I don't think Goku's a good role model for being a good Dad."

"Yeah!" Crazy piped up. "We should be Piccolo!"

"I don't think Chrysalis is quite as durable as a half-Saiyan," Stuffy pointed out, "so continuous training is probably not a good idea."

"Unless she somehow absorbs enough love from us to copy our healing factor!"

"Right!" Deadpool proclaimed happily. "As soon as she starts super healing, I'm being Piccolo!"

Cable, having only heard Deadpool's lines and not knowing what he was talking about, began to back away slowly.

"Wait!" Deadpool whispered, clinging to Cable again. "I really need your help! You're the only one I can turn to!"

Cable sighed. "Well...let's go back out to the front room, so we can talk without whispering."

A few moments later, Deadpool was sitting in his favorite chair with a notebook, while Cable was leaned against the wall with a mug of coffee laced with something stronger.

Cable gathered his thoughts. "Alright. First things first, Wade...you need to clean this pigpen up. This kind of mess breeds disease, and you have no idea what Earth viruses and bacteria will do to her. Until she adjusts, cleanliness is your best friend."

"Right," Deadpool agreed, jotting it down.

"We'll invite him to our next Smash Bros session," Crazy added.

"Second..." Cable shrugged his shoulders. "Beyond that, all I can offer is common sense."

"Pretty sure I have a short supply of that," Deadpool pointed out.

"Fair point," Cable admitted. "Just...make sure she's well fed, and knows how much you love her."

"That's two points in one, since she eats love," Deadpool pointed out, jotting it down.

Cable blinked for a time, then continued. "Other than that, keep an eye on her health. Keep her warm and safe, try to keep her from being injured, and keep all the heavy weaponry out of her reach."

"Right. No guns for Chryssi unless and until she acquires my super healing from feeding on my love," Deadpool said as he wrote it down.

Cable nodded, at this point deciding to just roll with it. "Also, make sure she has a sitter anytime you go out on a mission. Never leave her alone."

"Never...alone...got it!" Deadpool glanced down at the list. "Is...is it really that simple?" he asked, glancing at the few items.

"That's just the basics," Cable replied. "You're going to have to build on that and figure out everything else on your own."

"...do you think I can pull it off?" Deadpool asked quietly. "I...I'm scared."

"You, Wade?" Cable asked, surprised. "Scared?"

"I don't know if I can do it," Deadpool replied. Looking up at Cable, he pulled his mask up. "Do you think I can? Can you see this as the face of a father?"

Cable stared at him for a while, then stepped forward. "This?" he asked, gesturing to Wade's diseased flesh. "No, that's not the face of a father." As Wade's face fell, Cable pulled his mask down. "But this could be."

Deadpool looked up at him hopefully. "You really think so?"

Cable simply nodded, then turned to go.

"Hey!" Deadpool called out. "Didn't you need my help with something?"

Cable chuckled nervously. "Actually...history showed that you were about to go on a carnage and debauchery rampage out of sheer boredom that would have touched off nuclear war and the destruction of 90% of life on Earth. I needed your help distracting you." He pointed towards the bedroom. "But she beat me to it."

"Wow..." Deadpool said in surprise. "I destroyed the world? That's pretty awesome! ...except then I wouldn't see where Season 5 is going!"

Cable shook his head. "Oh, and you know how you said you were scared? When it comes to being a parent...that's a good thing. Good luck...Deadpool."

With that, Cable left Deadpool alone with his thoughts.

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Sitter!

Deadpool greatly enjoyed the time he spent with little Chrysalis. She brought something to be extra happy about in his home life, bringing an end to the boredom that was the source of most of the trouble he got into. Hours of entertainment could be achieved by blowing raspberries on her belly to make her squeal, tossing a ball for her to chase, watching her attempt - and occasionally succeed via magic - the capture of the mysterious red dot, and watching her play with a ball of yarn until it got tangled in the holes in her legs, mane, and wings, at which point she would promptly incinerate it.

Deadpool did not enjoy keeping his apartment clean.

"Yeesh!" he proclaimed as he fell back. "Keeping things clean is a chore and a half! I actually have to throw things away and clean up after myself! So frustrating!"

"I know what you mean!" Crazy pointed out. "How do normal people handle this?"

"Probably with less fire and shoving things behind the fourth wall," Stuffy scolded.

"Well how else am I supposed to get rid of all the junk?" Deadpool pointed out. "The landlord complained when I threw it out the window at passing motorists!"

"That's because it was illegal."

"But it was fun! Next you're going to tell me that's illegal, too!"

"Unfortunately, most of what we consider fun is."

"Laws are made to be broken anyway," Deadpool countered, slumping back into his chair. Moments later, Chrysalis leapt into his lap and snuggled in. He scratched her behind her ear almost absently as he started flipping channels on the TV.

At that moment, the phone rang. Deadpool picked it up. "Hello?" he asked. Normally he'd be more verbose, but the caller was interrupting family time, and that irritated Deadpool. He listened to the caller on the other end for a time. "Uh huh," he replied after a time. "Uh huh. How much? ...fine." He hung up, then gently scooped Chrysalis up as he stood up. "Chryssi, Daddy's taken a job," he explained. "That means I'm going to have to leave you with some friends for a few hours, understand?"

Chrysalis frowned up at him and waved her hooves angrily. "Nu!"

"Sorry, Chryssi, but as long as you're a fragile infant, you have to be watched," Deadpool explained. "And I need to take jobs so I can keep myself fed, so I can keep feeding you." He nuzzled his face against her belly, and she stopped fussing, though she continued to pout. "Don't worry, I know exactly who I'm going to ask!"

Charles Xavier was sitting calmly behind his desk, going over a few details regarding some new students at the Institute and the X Men's last mission. He paused as he sensed the approach of two unique mental signatures. One was familiar and aggravating, while the other was new and...most unusual. As he was trying to analyze the second mental signature, his window burst open as someone red and black crashed through it.

"Hey Chuckie!" Deadpool said happily as he stood up. "Listen, can you do me a solid and keep an eye on my daughter while I go unalive some people for money?" He deposited Chrysalis in Xavier's lap. "She's a real sweetheart, just in a bit of a bad mood since she can't come with me yet. Kthnxbai!" With that, Deadpool leapt back out the window. "Chimichanga!" he shouted as he raced off.

Xavier stared after Deadpool for a while, then turned to the tiny creature in his lap. "I'm Charles Xavier," he said softly. "What's your name?"

"Kithawith," she replied grumpily.

"Chrysalis?" Xavier asked. "A lovely name. You are...unlike any life form I've ever encountered before." He raised a hand to his head. "May I?" He opened his mind, and extended his psychic energy to make gentle contact with her mind.

Deadpool returned from collecting his fee to discover the Xavier Institute a leveled, smoking ruin. "What happened here?" he asked, shocked.

"And why weren't we invited?" Crazy complained.

"And where's Chrysalis?" Stuffy pointed out.

"Chrysalis?!" Deadpool yelled, racing into the ruin, searching for his Changeling daughter. As he raced through, he saw numerous young mutants being treated for various injuries, Storm being held back by Rogue and Shadowcat, several others with glowing green eyes being restrained, and finally Xavier sitting in front of the only two wall fragments still standing that came to a corner.

Chrysalis was on a stool, facing the corner and pouting, with Xavier glowering at her.

"Nobody puts Chryssi in a corner!" Deadpool complained, scooping her up and hugging her.

Chrysalis, for her part, squealed happily at seeing him again, hugging him around the neck.

Charles Xavier frowned. "Mr. Wilson, please find somewhere else for your daughter to stay while you're away from home."

Deadpool blinked. "Wait, you mean she caused all this?" he asked in shock. When Xavier nodded, he hugged Chrysalis all the tighter. "Daddy's so proud!"

Chrysalis giggled happily. Xavier groaned, putting his face in his hands.

After that rather disastrous encounter, it was a long while before Deadpool risked leaving her with anyone else. However, when he had to take another job in order to pay the bills, he decided it might be a better idea to call on someone to watch over Chrysalis in the apartment. If nothing else, maybe it would cut down on the collateral damage that happened without him.

Thankfully, Squirrel Girl was open to the challenge of trying to tame a child the X Men couldn't handle. Deadpool was pleased, since presenting it in that light meant he didn't even have to pay her.

When he returned after several hours, however, it was to see a pack of squirrels racing down the street, Chrysalis in hot pursuit after them, and Squirrel Girl chasing after her. "Stop eating my friends!" Squirrel Girl shouted, several emotionally drained squirrels hanging limp from her shoulders.

"But dey yummy!" Chrysalis shouted back as she got close enough to the pack to drain another squirrel. As she raced by, Squirrel Girl scooped that one onto her shoulders as well.

Deadpool scratched his head as he watched. "...maybe I should pick a different sitter," he considered. "Maybe Peter?"

"He would be able to physically restrain Chrysalis if it became necessary," Stuffy pointed out.

"And Chryssi pissing him off won't negatively impact our chances of getting laid like this has," Crazy added.

Deadpool returned from his next job to find Spiderman hanging from the roof of the apartment by his own webbing, trussed up like a fly and hanging over a cauldron filled with bubbling green liquid. A fire was lit under the cauldron, and Chrysalis was dressed in a grass skirt and tiki mask, waving a spear as she danced around the cauldron chanting nonsense noises lifted from children's cartoons representations of primitive savages. "What?" Deadpool asked, unable to come up with anything more eloquent at the moment.

"You don't wanna know," Spiderman replied.

"Actually, I think I do," Deadpool pointed out.

"In that case, I'm not going to tell you," Spiderman countered. "it's too embarrassing. I will say, however, that she definitely takes after you."

"Hi Daddy!" Chrysalis said happily, waving. "Spidah soup fo din-din! Big helpings!"

When Deadpool got his next job, he looked down at Chrysalis worriedly. "I can't take you with me," he said sadly. "I know that. It's too dangerous. But I can't leave you alone, either. And the only other one I could possibly leave you with - Wolverine - isn't taking my calls. What am I supposed to do?"

"No need sittah!" Chrysalis pointed out. Her vocabulary had improved as more teeth had grown in. "Mama watch!"

"Mama?" Deadpool asked in surprise.

"Mama?" Crazy added.

"Who's Mama?" Stuffy asked.

Smiling, Chrysalis hopped from Crazy's text box to Stuffy's, and then into a set of arms that Deadpool couldn't see.

"Is there someone invisible there?" Crazy asked.

"Not invisible," Stuffy replied. "But...someone we can't perceive in our present mental and physiological state. There's only one female invisible to us that Chrysalis would call Mama."

"Boney-cheeks, is that you?" Deadpool asked eagerly.

Chrysalis giggled as an imperceptible hand stroked her mane. "Mama is boney!" she confirmed. She tilted her head. "Mama says she can't come every time, but she'll try to come when she's free!"

"My skeletal Mistress, you are the best!" Deadpool praised. "I wish I could see you to give you a hug and a kiss thank you!"

"Wait...how can Chrysalis see her?" Stuffy asked. "She's nowhere close to death."

Chrysalis giggled. "See Dada's love for Mama...see Mama's love for Dada...see Dada and Mama's love for me! Tastes gud!"

Deadpool grinned widely, not that it was visible under his mask. "Be right back sweethearts!" he said happily, knowing as he left this time that Chrysalis was in good hands.

That's My Girl!

Deadpool chased Chrysalis around the now clean apartment. "I'm gonna getcha!" he shouted playfully as she raced ahead of him over the sofa, under the chair, through the kitchen, under the bed. "I'm gonna getcha!"

Chrysalis squealed in glee as she raced ahead of him, giggling as she ducked in and around everything in the house, plainly loving the game. "Not gonna get me Daddy!" she screamed back. "I'm gonna win!"

"Don't be so sure!" Deadpool called back. "I have more energy than you-"

At that moment, a familiar light flashed in front of him, too close to dodge out of the way. "Bug-"

His pieces fell over the ground from the time warp telefrag. "-ger!" he finished.

"Talk about bad timeing!" Crazy joked.

"...that was terrible," Stuffy pointed out.

Cable stood up and turned around. "Pull yourself together, Wade! We've got a temporal emergency on our hands and I need your help!"

"...that one was worse."

"I don't think he was trying to make a joke."

"I know."

Chrysalis walked up and began levitating Deadpool's pieces back together. "I win!" she gloated happily.

Deadpool rolled his eyes and blew a raspberry at Chrysalis, making her giggle. "Look, Cable, you know I'd love to help out, but I've got responsibilities now-"

"There's no time, Wade!" Cable barked out. "Logan's going to be meeting us here-"

"You already arranged for a sitter for Chrysi?" Deadpool interrupted. "Well, that changes everything!" He turned to Chrysalis. "Now you behave for Mr. Logan, okay? He acts mean and gruff, but he's got a gooey center."

"Can I dig it out?" Chrysalis asked eagerly.

Deadpool chuckled. "That's my little hellion!" he praised, mussing her mane.

"I didn't mean-" Cable began, only to be interrupted by knocking.

"Wade!" Wolverine barked from outside. "Get off your ass and open the do-"

Deadpool pulled the door open and yanked Wolverine - his yellow and blue spandex looking somewhat dirty - into the apartment. "She's a Changeling, not a donkey. She's a real sweetheart, you'll get along just fine. She's had a full feeding this morning, so she should be fine till Cable and I get back from whatever historical emergency he's asking me to help take care of. She's easy to entertain, just play with her. Balls, yarn, feather sticks, and laser pointers are in the first drawer by the fridge. Thank ya bunches!" With that, Deadpool yanked Cable out the door. "Be back soon, Chrysi! Love ya barrels!" He then slammed the door shut.

Wolverine blinked. "Coulda sworn I was supposed to be part of the mission," he commented dryly.

Chrysalis smiled up at Wolverine. "Can I see your gooey center?" she asked, levitating a scalpel and a shovel in her magic.

Wolverine rolled his eyes. "You're definitely Deadpool's kid." He blinked, feeling momentarily dizzy. "Come here," he told her dryly.

She giggled. "Catch me first!" With that, she dashed off around the apartment.

"You do realize Wolverine was supposed to back us up on the mission, right?" Cable pointed out.

"You're the one who told me to always make sure she had someone watching her," Deadpool countered. "I'd have asked Wolverine to watch her a while ago, but he wasn't taking my calls!"

"Why was that, anyway?" Cable asked.

"Well...it might have been what I did to the Blackbird..." Deadpool offered. "Or it might be because when I asked Chuckie to watch her, she wound up blowing up the Institute...or it might be that joke I left on his message board about him dating a Yurei because of how many of his Japanese girlfriends have wound up dead." Deadpool scratched his chin. "Think I should apologize for that last one?"

Cable decided not to comment. "I note you never actually forbade Chrysalis from digging Wolverine's 'gooey center' out."

"I wanna know if it's actually possible!" Deadpool countered. "If anyone can manage it, it's Chrysi!"

"We should probably change to a more important topic just now," Stuffy pointed out.

"What could possibly be more important to talk about than little Chrysalis?" Crazy asked in confusion.

"Long term, probably nothing. Short term, the nature of the mission we're on."

"That's a good point," Deadpool agreed, putting the pink thread, pink cloth, plush, and sewing kit away. "What is this mission you're calling me out to stop?"

"Stryker and Trask have teamed up," Cable replied. "They intend to combine Stryker's research into mutant abilities with Trask's Sentinel designs to create the ultimate anti-mutant weapon: Sentinels that can pass for human or mutant."

"They're making mutant Terminators?" Deadpool asked in shock. "Wow, it'll be like fighting that Deathstroke guy all over again."

"And again, and again, and again, and a-"

"Will you stop?"

"What? You know how Sentinels work. You can never kill just one!"

"That's because there never is just one..." Stuffy's voice trailed off.

"...did I just make another valid point without even realizing it?" Crazy asked in shock.

"I know. It's scary."

"So what convoluted path of adventuring will we be going on to stop this instead of charging straight in and blowing shit up?" Deadpool asked Cable.

"Actually, we're just going straight in and blowing shit up," Cable replied.

"Wait, really?" Deadpool demanded in surprise, his question echoed - in his head at least - by both Crazy and Stuffy.

"I don't like your methods, Deadpool," Cable replied. "But I can't deny that they've proven exceptionally effective in the past. So we're going to start with Trask labs, blow up everything in sight except the computers, swipe every bit of data we can decrypt, and then blow up the computers."

Deadpool hugged Cable tight. "If I weren't in a committed relationship with the Grim Reaper, I would totally go gay for you right now."

"Get off me, Wade," Cable growled angrily.

Chrysalis continued racing ahead of Wolverine, a little upset that he wasn't running after her. He was just walking calmly in pursuit. Eventually, she paused on the couch and threw a pillow at his face. "This is no fun if you don't try," she complained.

"Then how about we go for a ride instead?" Wolverine suggested, gesturing to his motorcycle out the window.

Chrysalis glanced out the window, then shook her head. "Uh-uh," she said. "I'm not supposed to leave the apartment except with Daddy! That's the one rule I'm not supposed to break. Long as I obey that one, I don't get in trouble for sneaking around and breaking the others."

Wolverine frowned, and his claws shot out. "You're coming," he growled.

Chrysalis glanced from his claws to his eyes. "I don't like that," she growled back, her horn glowing.

Wolverine's eyes instantly filled with a green light, and his arm went slack.

Chrysalis' eyes widened. This didn't make any sense. She knew she could control minds with enough practice - Deadpool had told her all about her powers - but all previous attempts hadn't worked well. Xavier's mind had been too strong, and the psychic backlash as she'd eaten chunks out of his astral form had caused a lot of damage. Trying it on Squirrel Girl and her squirrels had only disrupted their communication and sent the squirrels running, though they'd been fun to chase and tasty to drain. Spidey she'd only been able to confuse into tying himself up in his own web. But Wolverine had fallen instantly.

Probing, she discovered why. Someone else had already applied some sort of mental manipulation to Wolverine, which had been activated by her presence. She'd just usurped control with her magic.

She grinned widely as she sent a mental command to her new puppet. While love was all she needed to survive, she did get cravings for other things. This would be an easy way to get the other things she craved.

Hopefully Deadpool wouldn't object.

Deadpool and Cable made their way towards the Weapon X headquarters. "Well, that was a total waste of time," Deadpool chided as he returned to his sewing on their way to the base. "That place was deserted! There wasn't even anything left to blow up!"

"The computers didn't have anything new, either," Cable replied. "Except for something cryptic about 'the key to the project arriving'." He paused. "What are you working on there?"

"A present for Chrysi!" Deadpool replied easily. "A Pinkie Pie plushy!"

Cable frowned. "That doesn't look a thing like Pinkie Pie."

"Well, I never claimed to be good at sewing-" Deadpool froze. "How do you know about Pinkie Pie?"

"Friendship is Magic is one of the few things to survive - if somewhat in pieces - from this time in my future, and it gives the survivors hope for a chance to repair the world and save it." Cable smiled. "Smile Smile Smile is the National Anthem of the Free Peoples."

Deadpool blinked. "Wait...you mean in your time, everyone who hasn't been captured by the Sentinels is a brony?" When Cable nodded, Deadpool shrugged. "Oddly enough, I can see it."

"At any rate, you might want to put that away," Cable commented. "We're here..." His voice trailed off.

Weapon X HQ was in pieces. Several parts of it were on fire. Others were blown up. Bits and pieces of soldiers littered the ground, trees, and walls. Vulgar messages were written in blood on the walls. Every bit of machinery that once whirred, clicked, or beeped was scattered like Legos on a child's play room.

"What the fuck?" Deadpool shouted.

"We missed the carnage again?" Crazy complained.

"What the hell happened here?" Stuffy marveled.

"If Chrysalis had something to do with this, I'm bringing her along next mission whether she's regenerating or not!" Deadpool complained. "I'm sick of missing all the action!"

"Please don't hurt me!" suddenly echoed from up a nearby tree that was dripping blood.

Cable and Deadpool glanced up the tree. Sabretooth was impaled on the trunk, quivering like a leaf. "Sabretooth?" Cable asked in shock.

"What the hell happened here?" Deadpool demanded.

"It was Logan!" Sabretooth whimpered. "He came in, his eyes glowing, and butchered everything in sight! Set everything on fire, blew it up...if he'd been laughing, I'd have thought it was Deadpool in disguise! Then when he was through, he grabbed Stryker and Trask, broke all their limbs, and dragged them off on his motorcycle!"

"What?" Cable asked in shock. "But...but that doesn't sound like Logan at all!"

"And if he was here, who's watching Chrysi!" Deadpool gasped. Turning, he raced for home as fast as his legs could carry him, Cable hot on his heels. "Curse the written medium!" Deadpool shouted after a time. "If this were a comic, I could panel hop to home and be there in minutes!"

As Deadpool reached his apartment, he heard girlish screams from inside. "I'm coming, Chrysi!" he screamed, yanking out his twin machine guns as he kicked the door open. "Nobody hurts my ba...by..." His voice trailed off.

"...what am I seeing?"

"We're Deadpool and we're caught off guard by this..."

Chrysalis sat in a corner, calmly munching what was left of Trask's face off. In front of her, Wolverine - his eyes glowing green - was dressed in a ridiculous outfit and clog dancing on Stryker's testicles. Stryker had been the one screaming. Chrysalis giggled as she took another bite of Trask, her teeth easily crunching bone.

Cable took one look at the sight and raced for the bathroom. Retching could be heard from within.

Deadpool glanced from Chrysalis to Wolverine, instantly recognizing what the glow meant. "You've got him under your control?" Deadpool asked.

Chrysalis nodded as she swallowed an eyeball.

"And you're making him do this? And other tricks?" he asked eagerly.

Chrysalis grinned around Trask's tongue and nodded as she swallowed.

Deadpool crowed happily. "That's my girl!"

"I always wanted to ride a unicorn that would eat the flesh of our enemies!" Crazy cheered.

"Chrysalis will actually be big enough to ride when she gets full grown," Stuffy pointed out.

"And she has wings so she'll fly!" Crazy added.

After a time, Cable came back out. "Well...I think we can consider the Sentinel project and Weapon X...dealt with," he said, pointedly not looking at Chrysalis' meal. "Sorry about your bathroom. I noticed you did as I suggested and cleaned up-"

Deadpool handed him a toilet brush, a bottle of all purpose toilet cleaner, a pair of gloves, and an anti-bacterial air freshener. "You made the mess, you clean it up," he scolded. "No telling what your future germs would do to Chrysi."

Cable nodded and returned to the bathroom.

When Chrysalis stopped eating and let out a belch. "All done!"

Wolverine stopped clog dancing, snapped Stryker's neck, and stuffed Stryker and what was left of Trask into a massive cooler that wasn't there the day before. He then put on a tutu and proceeded to ballet dance his way back to Xavier Institute.

"Chrysalis, I love you!" Deadpool crowed, pulling the little Changeling into his arms for a hug.

Chrysalis smiled, nuzzling into his chest and absorbing the energy of his love.

"By the way, I have a surprise for you!" he said happily.

Chrysalis bounced back happily. "Surprise! I wanna surprise!"

Deadpool grinned widely. "Made it myself!" he proclaimed happily. It was supposed to be Pinkie Pie...but I'm not very good..." He pulled out the completed plushy.

Chrysalis squealed happily and glomped the plushy. "It's so fluffy!" she squealed happily. When she squeezed it, it made a raspberry noise from its mouth.

"Wow, I'm really bad at making things," Deadpool muttered. "That was supposed to be a laugh."

Chrysalis giggled, squeezing the plushy - which was three times her size - repeatedly for the noise as she nuzzled into it.

Deadpool smiled. "Well, as long as you like it!"

Uncle Fuzzy

Deadpool stood over Chrysalis bed, watching her sleep. He was confronted with a rather difficult conundrum. Once again, he had another job to do. While he had said he would start bringing her along, this job would likely be even more dangerous than previous ones. If he brought her along, she would get hit, likely several times. If she hadn't absorbed his regeneration yet, he would lose her. But at the same time, he didn't have anyone to call on to act as a sitter. And Lady Death wasn't available just now, either. And he couldn't very well leave her alone.

"And for some reason, you refuse to accept my suggestion of leaving one of us to watch her," Crazy complained. "There's no reason to think she couldn't pluck one of us out into her own head."

"We went over this," Stuffy groaned. "You're too unreliable to be left in charge of anyone unsupervised, so we can't leave you here."

"And we can't leave you because...?"

"Because I don't even want to imagine what would happen if Deadpool only had you in his head."

Deadpool sighed. This was actually a serious consideration. Chrysi was too inventive to leave all on her own for however long the job would take - possibly anywhere from a few hours to a few days - but at the same time cashflow was a bit of an issue. Specifically, its absence. He had to take this job. But he couldn't leave Chrysalis alone, nor could he take her with.

As he mused, his thoughts were interrupted by a quiet knock on the door. He rushed over quickly, hoping to open the door before whoever was on the other side started knocking louder. He got the door open just in time to receive the louder knock to his noggin. "Logan?" he asked in shock.

Logan was in his casual clothes; a brown leather jacket, white muscle shirt, blue jeans, and sneakers, his dog tags hanging around his neck. "Can we talk, Wade?"

Deadpool stepped out into the hall, closing the door behind him. "What's up?"

"When Xavier broke your kid's mental control over me, I remembered everything," he replied.

"So...is this where you're going to have it out with me over what she did to you?" Deadpool asked eagerly. "Cause if so, can we take it somewhere where it won't wake her-"

"I wanted to thank her," Logan interrupted.

Deadpool blinked. "...what?"

"Stryker destroyed my life when I got recruited into Weapon X," Wolverine explained. "My body and mind turned inside out to make me into a weapon...do you know how long I've wanted to rip him a new one for all that?" He shook his head. "But I couldn't. He'd been too careful with the mental conditioning."

"And then Chrysi makes you clog dance on his testicles before snapping his neck and stuffing him in a cooler so she can eat him later," Deadpool finished.

Logan nodded. "While not the revenge I would have chosen...it's given me closure for that part of my life." A wicked grin crossed his face. "And since I was under mind control at the time, I don't have to face any consequences."

"Ooh, I like that!" Deadpool said eagerly. "Think we can blame Chrysi mind controlling us for the stuff we do?"

"I doubt anyone would believe it."

"Sure they would! Just paint the eyes of our mask green!"

"I mean, do you really think anyone would believe that we can be controlled?"

"How fast did she wrap us around her itty bitty hoof?"

"Wow, Chrysi has been making some serious changes," Deadpool commented. "That's the third time since she got here that Crazy won an argument with Stuffy using logic!"

"Isn't that a sign of the apocalypse?" Logan joked, having long gotten used to Deadpool's talk about the voices in his head.

"If not, it should be!" Deadpool proclaimed.

Logan rolled his eyes. "At any rate...just wanted to say thanks, and...to call me if you ever need someone to watch her."

"How's today?" Deadpool asked quickly. "Also, possibly tomorrow and the day after."

Logan chuckled. "I've got the time."

"Great!" Deadpool replied eagerly. "Have fun with her and give her love, Logan!"

"I think I can manage that," he replied. "...but you can call me James."

Deadpool froze. "Wait...when you said you remembered everything...you meant everything everything?"

James nodded. "That's right. All of it."

"Whoa," Deadpool replied in shock. "...you still you?"

"I don't know if I'm still Logan," James replied. "But...I'm still Wolverine."

"Stop hurting my brain!" Deadpool whined before charging off to the job.

James chuckled as he entered the apartment. He walked through to Chrysalis' bed side. He sat there, waiting for her to awaken. He didn't have long to wait. As her eyes opened, he smiled at her. "Wade has a big job," he explained. "I'll be watching you until he gets back."

Chrysalis smiled up at him. "Uncle Fuzzy!" she cried happily, lunging up to hug him and nuzzle his stubble.

He blinked in shock at her appellation and enthusiastic greeting, but quickly returned the hug. "So, what do you want to do today?"

"Chase me!" she shouted, leaping from his arms and going into a canine play bow. "And try this time!"

Grinning, he went down to all fours and let out a roar.

Chrysalis let out a playful shriek and dashed off, 'Uncle Fuzzy' hot on her hooves.

The two of them spent several hours racing around the apartment, leaping from wall to wall, at one point even racing across the ceiling. With all his training and experience recovered, Wolverine was even more effective than ever, and he could even feel as a little bit of his energy - quickly replenished - was absorbed into Chrysalis along with the energy of his affectionate regard as they raced.

Towards the end of the race, Chrysalis tried to kick off a window, only to find out it was open as she sailed out.

"Chrysalis!" Wolverine shouted in worry, picking up speed to leap out after her.

He landed braced on the wall at the opposite end of the alley, staring at Chrysalis as she hovered, her wings buzzing.

"So that's how these work," she said, staring over her shoulder at her wings. Grinning, she then zipped off.

Groaning, Wolverine took off after her, only to gasp in shock as he saw her get side swiped by the top of a large truck, splitting her body in half. He raced forward, leaping up to catch her as she fell.

Only her hind legs fell, still kicking. Her forequarters continued to hover with her buzzing wings. "...ow," she muttered idly. "I...need those, don't I?" she asked, pointing at her hindquarters.

"You do," Wolverine replied. "Come down and we'll see if we can't get them reattached." He was relieved that she wasn't leaking fluid from either end. From what he could see, both ends were covered by a green barrier keeping her innards in place.

Chrysalis buzzed down, and he held her hindquarters up to her forequarters. They fused back together perfectly. "That felt weird," Chrysalis pointed out.

"Come on, let's get back to the apartment," Wolverine replied. "I'll order pizza or something."

Chrysalis gasped happily. "Can I have people bits on my pizza?" she asked eagerly.

"I'll cut you some giblets from the freezer," he replied easily. He didn't see much of an issue feeding Chrysalis bits of people. Humans were her prey anyway, since she fed on emotions. And Deadpool killed a lot of people anyway, so at least he would save on food bills.

Chrysalis squealed happily and hugged him. "Uncle Fuzzy, you're the best!"

If you can dodge a bullet, then you can dodge a ball! ...or a truck...or a rocket...or Uncle Fuzzy...

The following morning, Deadpool, Uncle Fuzzy, and Chrysalis walked down to the highway in preparation for Chrysalis' first training session. Chrysalis was bouncing happily from hoof to hoof, chanting "I'm gonna be like Da~ddy!" as she pranced. Deadpool couldn't help but grin at that, watching her joy at getting to join him in his activities. He then turned to his new brother. "So, how did you find out her super healing had come in?"

"She flew into traffic and got side swiped by a semi," Uncle Fuzzy explained. "Her two halves got up independent of each other, a green energy barrier keeping her innards from leaking out, and I helped her put herself back together."

"Wow! That's even better than mine!" Deadpool said happily. "I always have to keep track of my formerly internal organs. I always worry what will happen if I lose track of one."

"Since when have you worried about anything?" Stuffy pointed out.

"Okay, speculated," Deadpool admitted. "I mean, would I just grow it back? Would the missing organ regenerate into a complete Deadpool separate from me? Or would it be drawn by my healing factor to hunt me down, day after day, until it eventually found me, strangled me in my sleep, and then ripped me open so it could return to its proper home?"

Uncle Fuzzy looked rather sick at the end of that speculation. Noticing Chrysalis' wide eyed fascination with the story, however, he could only chuckle. "You're lucky your little girl is as crazy as you," he chided. "Otherwise you'd have traumatized her for life ages ago."

"I know!" Deadpool proclaimed happily. "But now I'm going to be Piccolo!" Grabbing hold of the edge of his costume, he yanked, creating an instant wardrobe change as his red and black costume turned to green, white, and purple, though retaining its usual configuration. "Ready to train, Chrysalis?" he demanded, managing to pull a rather decent Piccolo voice.

"Yes, Mister Daddy!" Chrysalis replied, doing a fair impression of Gohan.

Uncle Fuzzy groaned. "So who does that make me?" he asked. A turtle shell promptly attached itself to his back via a green glow. "...figures."

"And now, I will bring out your latent power by throwing you into a hill!" Deadpool proclaimed. "Well, I would if we had a hill or plateau handy. Traffic will have to do."

"Wait, what?" Uncle Fuzzy the turtle hermit demanded in shock.

"Dodge!" Deadpool shouted as he threw Chrysalis into traffic.

"Whee!" Chrysalis cried happily as she buzzed her wings, dodging around all the incoming cars and trucks at knee level like a demented ponification of a game of Frogger.

Deadpool and Uncle Fuzzy both stared as she evaded each and every vehicle with ease. "She's good," Deadpool said proudly.

"Look at her horn!" Uncle Fuzzy pointed out.

As she flew, Chrysalis' horn seemed to be vibrating every so often, and every time it did she made a sudden change of direction, just in time to avoid getting hit.

"She's reading air currents with her horn," Uncle Fuzzy pointed out, "and reacting to the oncoming rush of a vehicle without even being consciously aware of it."

"That's gonna be an advantage when I take her into battle," Deadpool said proudly.

"You don't think throwing her into traffic is all the training she needs, do you?" Uncle Fuzzy demanded incredulously.

"Course not!" Deadpool proclaimed as Chrysalis came in for landing in front of him. He then pulled out his machine guns. "Dodge!" He then opened fire.

30 seconds later, he had emptied both machine guns. Chrysalis hadn't been hit once. She also hadn't moved.

"...how?" Deadpool demanded.

"Let's watch that again in slow motion, shall we?" Deadpool said from the story description, dragging the story back for a fast replay.

"If you insist," Chrysalis said in her silky smooth voice which made Deadpool glad she was in her natural form.

Rewatching, Deadpool saw what Chrysalis had done. Her horn had been glowing, and she'd used her magic to gently nudge each and every bullet with the lightest push as it approached her so it would pass through an already existing hole. Rather than dodging the bullets, she had made the bullets dodge her.

"Amazing!" Deadpool proclaimed happily. "I gotta tell me so he can make use of it!"

"Yo! Story Deadpool! It's me, description Deadpool!"

Deadpool looked up. "Hey, wazzup!"

"Just wanted to let you know she used her magic to make the bullets dodge her! Have fun with that!"

With that, the even more blatant than usual fourth wall breaking came to an end as the Author's headache increased.

"Okay then!" Deadpool proclaimed, pulling out a rocket launcher. "Dodge this!" He fired it at point blank.

There was a clank, and Deadpool found himself staring at the rocket clutched between Chrysalis' teeth. "Hi I ho goo?" she asked around the rocket, her horn glowing as her teeth were surrounded by a green light.

Uncle Fuzzy waved his hand in front of Deadpool's face. "You alright Wade? You're looking kinda...frozen."

"That...is...awesome!" Deadpool proclaimed happily. "Toss that away and we'll try the next stage!"

Grinning, Chrysalis tossed the rocket into traffic, where the explosion collapsed the freeway.

"Now you get to try Uncle Fuzzy on for size!" Deadpool proclaimed happily. "You get to try to dodge the claws. Dodge!"

With that, Uncle Fuzzy lunged forward, claws flashing.

"Uh, Fuzz?" Deadpool asked. "You know you're supposed to attacking Chrysalis, right?"

Uncle Fuzzy stepped back from Deadpool's dismembered, disemboweled body in confusion. "Wha...how'd I mess that up?"

Chrysalis' horn stopped glowing as she started giggling.

Now it's my turn to dodge!

"Alright then," Deadpool said as he pulled himself back together. "Plainly you know how to dodge pretty well. So now it's time for the combat portion of the training!"

Chrysalis gasped happily. "You're gonna teach me how to shoot energy blasts?" she squealed.

"Uh, no," Deadpool replied sadly. "I don't know how to do that...yet." He raised his clenched fist to the sky. "But someday I will...and then I will be best Piccolo!"

"You...do realize Namekians don't have genitalia, right?" Stuffy asked.

"That's how we'll be better!" Crazy pointed out. "Cause we'll be the Piccolo that everyone can use for their crazy fanfictions as the father of their crazily overpowered half-Namekian self insert OCs."

"You realize most of those involve Piccolo somehow mating with Goku, right?"

"Oh mighty Shenron! We wish Goku was a girl!"

"Best...Dragonball wish...ever!" Deadpool whispered happily.

Chrysalis giggled happily. "So whatcha teach me, then?" she asked, deliberately exaggerating her adorableness as it made Deadpool's love taste sweeter.

Grinning widely, Deadpool pulled out his guns. "Now I'm going to teach you to shoot live targets!"

"So we're going to play paint ball with her?" Uncle Fuzzy asked.

"Close," Deadpool replied, aiming at Uncle Fuzzy. "Remove the T." He then opened fire.

Chrysalis watched in fascination as Uncle Fuzzy took a full salvo of bullets from a pair of automatic machine guns. When the weapons fire halted, Uncle Fuzzy coughed for a bit, and the bullets popped out of his body as he healed. "A bit more warning next time," he grumbled.

"Aw! He spoiled the reference!" Crazy pouted.

"Obviously, he got it before being shot," Stuffy pointed out.

Deadpool then handed the machine guns to Chrysalis. "First, you need to learn how to reload them. Start with taking the magazines out like so..."

Deadpool then spent the next 20 minutes explaining to Chrysalis how each part of the guns worked, what they were called, and other important gun safety lessons such as "point the barrel at the targets, not your own face...unless you're making a reference joke."

Chrysalis absorbed these lessons as best she could. "Do I get to shoot at you both now?" she whined.

"Yes!" Deadpool proclaimed. He started a timer. "You have...five minutes to land 100 hits on each of us! When you can manage that, you pass this course!"

"Those guns hold only fifty bullets each," Uncle Fuzzy pointed out. "You're saying she has to hit us both with a full magazine of both guns in five minutes?"

"I could pull it off!" Deadpool proclaimed. "And so will she!" He then leapt away. Groaning, Uncle Fuzzy followed.

Chrysalis took the first minute to examine the guns more fully with her magic before grinning widely. Racing after Uncle Fuzzy, she tagged him with her hoof, leaving a spot of magic on the small of his back. She then pointed her machine guns straight up and fired.

Uncle Fuzzy continued to do his best to dodge, but somehow the bullets homed in on the tagged spot on his back, making them impossible to dodge.

"She's got homing bullets!" Crazy gasped in amazement.

"She's placed one charge of her magic on Uncle Fuzzy and an opposite charge on the barrels of her guns," Stuffy explained. "The bullets pick up the charge as they pass through it, and are then magnetically drawn to the target on Uncle Fuzzy's back!"

"Like that Kaname Hagiri guy from Yu Yu Hakusho!" Deadpool proclaimed excitedly.

"Our inner Otaku is showing," Stuffy pointed out.

"Said the brony."

"Well, she's still going to have to touch me first!" Deadpool proclaimed before beginning to bounce around like a crazed monkey hyped up on smack...which was indistinguishable from his normal behavior.

Chrysalis grinned widely. She watched him for a time as the seconds ticked by while she reloaded her guns. As Deadpool came down on a lamppost, it suddenly glowed green and wrapped around him like a snake.

"What the-" he cried out before he was slammed into the ground.

Chrysalis then leapt onto his back and unloaded the entirety of both magazines into his backside just before the timer hit zero.

"...ow..." Deadpool whimpered as Chrysalis hopped off.

"Did I do good, Daddy?" she asked eagerly.

"How'd you do that thing with the lamppost?" he asked.

"What thing with the lamppost?" Stuffy asked.

"All we saw was you missing your footing for some reason and being really shocked when you landed face first on the ground."

Deadpool blinked, turning to stare at the perfectly normal lamppost behind him. "How did you...?"

Chrysalis giggled. "In-ter-net!" she said happily. "Illusion magic corre...spawn-dunce course?"

Uncle Fuzzy burst into laughter. "She picked up some of the Prof's tricks when she bit chunks out of his psychic aura," he pointed out. "She put the illusion so strongly in your mind it fooled your physical senses."

"But not that of the voices in my head," Deadpool pointed out. "Was that intentional or a flaw in the spell?"

"They don't have senses," Chrysalis pointed out. "They reading."

"What's that mean?" Crazy asked in confusion.

"I think she means our awareness of the world around Deadpool is based entirely in his fourth wall breaking powers."

"That's awesome!"

"Alright then!" Deadpool proclaimed happily. "Time for live fire! Uncle Fuzzy, get your guns!"

"I don't have any guns," he pointed out.

"Then get some of my spares! We're going Pain Balling!"

Chrysalis squealed happily, waving her guns around as Uncle Fuzzy fetched the spares.

You Didn't Keep Score?

After a rousing game of Pain Ball between the three competitors-

"Oh, come on! It happened off screen?"

"Hush, you."

"But we aren't even going to know who won!"

"Pretty sure the title gave that away before any words could."

-the small family made their way back towards the apartment, stretching and working out the kinks rapid healing had caused.

"Well, that was fun," Uncle Fuzzy admitted.

"I'll say!" Deadpool proclaimed. "I haven't had that much fun since I made my own video game!"

"Video game?" Chrysalis asked eagerly.

"When you're a little older, we'll remake it with you in it," Deadpool promised.

"Which version?" Uncle Fuzzy asked. "Two player co-op, two player versus, or the Chrysalis solo DLC?"

Deadpool grinned widely. "Maybe all three?"

"I don't think the Chrysalis solo DLC campaign would sell well," Stuffy pointed out. "It would take away most of the sex humor, you'd lose the voices in the head humor...you'd just have Chrysalis running around blowing stuff up."

"What's wrong with that?" Crazy demanded.

"It's less than a reskin. Only hardcore bronies would get it, and they'd likely want their money back."

"Two player co-op with competitive scoring, then," Deadpool suggested.

"How would that work?" Uncle Fuzzy asked.

"Both players have to survive to the end of the mission to clear it, and then they're graded on their scores as compared to each other," Deadpool explained.

"Wouldn't some people compete too aggressively, though?"

"Don't say what you're scoring on until after each mission?" Chrysalis suggested.

"Brilliant!" Deadpool proclaimed. He quickly wrote that down for when it was time to make the campaign.

Uncle Fuzzy chuckled, handing Deadpool his spare guns. "Well, I need to get back to the Institute," he stated. "There's still some clean up to do, and then I need to decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my life."

"Sure thing, Fuzzy!" Deadpool replied. "Catch ya later, bro!" He held out his fist.

Rolling his eyes, Uncle Fuzzy bumped knuckles with him.

"Bye bye Uncle Fuzzy!" Chrysalis agreed happily, holding up one hoof. Uncle Fuzzy bumped his knuckles with her with a chuckle, and then he left.

Deadpool grinned as he led the way home. "This was a good day," he said happily.

"So what are we gonna do tonight, Daddy?" Chrysalis asked.

"The same thing we do every night, Queenie," he replied.

Chrysalis tilted her head, scratching her chin in thought. "Try to take over the world?" she asked.

"Oh! I haven't watched Pinkie and the Brain in a while!" Deadpool said happily. "I'ma load that up on Netflix! Oh, and Animaniacs! I need to introduce you to the wonders of variety comedy! We're binge watching tonight!"

Chrysalis cheered happily. "With blackjack and hookers?" she asked.

"You're a bit young for the latter, and I'm not in the mood for the former," Deadpool countered. "But we can play a drinking game!"

"You are not giving her alcohol," Stuffy scolded.

"Course not!" Deadpool replied. "I'm hurt you'd even think that."

"Well, it is you-"

"Energy drinks!"

"...QED, Wade. QED."

"Oh! What's the drink signal? What's the drink signal?"

"During Pinky and the Brain, whenever Brain insults Pinkie, we take a shot," Deadpool postulated. "When he hits him, that's a double."

"If not for your healing factor, you'd be dead of alcohol poisoning before we got to Animaniacs."

"Oh! And in Animaniacs, it's whenever Yakko says 'Goodnight everybody'!"

"That combination might even kill you," Stuffy pointed out.

"That'll be fun to see!" Deadpool proclaimed.

"Any bets on how long it takes Chrysalis to explode from hyperactivity?" Crazy asked.

"Before we get to Animaniacs," Stuffy wagered.

"You're on!"

Chrysalis bounced happily as they made their way home. "Gonna be drinking Monsters! Gonna be drinking Monsters!"

Deadpool laughed. "This is definitely going to be a fun night..."

The following morning, Deadpool stared around at the wreck of his apartment. "What happened?" he asked groggily through his hangover. "Did...did Chryssie explode?"

"In...a manner of speaking," Stuffy explained.

"But not the boom-boom kind, so Stuffy still owes me $20!"

Deadpool glanced around. "So...what happened?" he asked as he stared at the holes in the walls.

"Apparently, Changelings can metabolize sugar in much the same way insects do," Stuffy explained. "So as she drank the energy drinks, she stored all the sugar and stimulants and used them over time."

"Right up until she hit her limit after the last 'Goodnight everybody'," Crazy added. "Then she started vibrating."

"After that, she let out a high pitched squeal and-"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" suddenly echoed through the apartment as Chrysalis smashed through the wall in a ball of green fire. "Flee! Flee for your lives, puny mortals! The Undying Queen shall devour all! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She then smashed through the opposite wall, blasting the ground and anyone too slow with green lightning as screams echoed.

"Apparently, sugar is used by Changelings to boost magical output artificially," Stuffy offered. "She's been doing that ever since."

Deadpool stared as Chrysalis reigned terror on the frightened populace of the city. "I...should probably stop her, shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Probably," Stuffy agreed.

"Alternatively, you could get popcorn and a video camera," Crazy offered.

Deadpool yanked out a large bowl and recording equipment. "Option Two it is!" he proclaimed happily. "Fry them, my pretty! Fly and fry!"

"Why do I even bother?" Stuffy wondered in resignation.

QC: A Rather Silly Place

Author's Note

A bit of explanation.
This story serves two purposes for me.

One is to create an adorable story with a heart warming plotline, with a good amount of humor.

The other is to have fun writing to an extent I can't in other stories.

Every so often in a story, I'll come up with something that could happen that is hilarious in my head, but would derail the story if I actually used it. Sometimes I make it Omake chapters. Sometimes I use it to end the story on a crazy high note.

Deadpool, however, means I can actually use such ideas throughout the story. He could actually pull them off. However, some of those ideas are still a tad...out there.

As such, those ideas will be marked in the chapter as QC...Questionable Canon. In essence, these chapters are Big Lipped Alligator Moments...things that happen, will in all likelihood never be referenced again, and you can pretend they didn't happen if you choose.

(As an added not, you have no idea how many times I typed "Canterlot" at first, instead of Camelot.)

QC: A Rather Silly Place

Deadpool and Chrysalis sat back in the apartment. Today was a new day, and Deadpool had prepared a special treat for Chrysalis. He had decided it was time to introduce her to one of the mainstays of comedy that everyone needed to know about: Monty Python.

As such, Holy Grail was in the DVD player, and they were sitting back to enjoy some of the most classic British humor skits ever made, ones everyone knew even if they'd never seen them. While Deadpool enjoyed watching the skits like always, his real joy was watching Chrysalis enjoy them. She seemed to especially enjoy the Camelot song, dancing along with it.

When that scene ended, Chrysalis turned eagerly to him. "Can we go to Camelot, Daddy?" she asked eagerly. "I wanna see the silly place!"

Deadpool chuckled. "Oh, I think we can manage that," he said, pausing the movie. Kneeling, he scooped her up. "Hold on tight now, Chryssi!" Turning, he prepared to make the jump, but paused. "Hang on, we need something first." Setting her back down, he raced into the bathroom and grabbed a pool inflatable. Rushing back, he laid it on the floor and began rapidly pumping it full of air. Before long, the inflatable shark was ready, lunging to one side with its jaws wide. He then scooped Chrysalis again. "Now we're ready!" he proclaimed, leaping over the shark and towards the TV as they vanished.

Unfortunately, his aim was a little off.

Deadpool landed on the Round Table, King Arthur and his knights sitting around it. However, something was not how it should have been. The animation style was different, almost but not quite Disney. Also, the roof was shattered, injured knights lay everywhere, and half of Arthur's throne was bitten off.

"Wow. What did we miss?" Deadpool asked in confusion.

"Merlin, is this part of your enchantment to retrieve Excalibur?" Arthur demanded of the aging wizard.

Merlin stared at Deadpool and Chrysalis for a while. "...sure, we'll go with that," he said.

"Wait, really?" Chrysalis asked in confusion.

"I think Merlin might be high!"

"If he is, I want some," Deadpool said quickly, hopping off the Table. "So whazzup, magic man?"

"Baron Ruber's griffon has stolen Excalibur," Merlin explained calmly. "However, I have seen to it that it has fallen in the Dark Forest, where it will be safe from him until it is retrieved."

Deadpool stared at him for a time, then groaned. "Oh, lordy...it's that Camelot! It's Warner Bros! ...I love those guys!"

Chrysalis blinked. "Wait...does that mean we're in competition with the annoying two headed dragon, the blind dude, and the girl who thinks this era allows for female knights?"

"No wonder you prefer me," Deadpool told Merlin. "Let me just take care of a few things real quick..." Reaching into the ether, he pulled out a sheaf of papers and a red marker. "Uh huh...uh huh..." He made a few marks before scribbling out the rest of it. "And there we go! Now, Merlin, all you have to do is send us to the near edge of the Dark Forest a few days from now, and I'll take care of everything!"

Merlin promptly zapped Deadpool and Chrysalis with lightning, making them vanish. Reaching into his sleeve, he pulled out a dogend and took a drag. "Like I'd share my stash with him," he grumbled.

Baron Ruber laughed madly as he poured the 'Acme' vial over his hand, fusing himself with the sword. "Behold!" he proclaimed as he swung his new sword arm about. "With Excalibur one with me, none can stop me!"

"I'd like to test that!" Deadpool proclaimed as he and Chrysalis appeared in a bolt of lightning. "Let's see what you can do against the mighty...red-and-black Knight!" He struck a dramatic pose.

Ruber sneered. "You really think you stand a chance against me?" he demanded. "You pathetic weakling!"

"I would say I'm rubber and you're glue," Deadpool replied, "but that doesn't really apply here, Trojan! Have at you!"

Roaring in rage, Ruber swung his sword arm...only for the blade to bounce off. "Eh?"

"One!" Deadpool proclaimed. "Care to try again?"

In a frenzy, Ruber continued to swing the blade, only for it to bounce off every time, follows by Deadpool shouting 'One!' Ruber stamped his feet in rage. "How is this possible?" he demanded angrily. "How can you resist the might of Excalibur?"

"You might want to double check that," Deadpool said, pointing to the writing on the blade. "I made a few tweaks to the story."

Ruber examined the blade. "What of it?" he demanded.

Deadpool stared. "Wow. Can't read, huh?" He turned to Chrysalis. "See, Chrysi, this is why you stay in school! ...as soon as I find one I can enroll you in. Read it for him!"

Nodding, Chrysalis approached the blade. "E-X-C-A-L-I-P-O-R!" she spelled proudly. Then she blinked. "That doesn't spell Excalibur!" she pointed out.

"Nope! It's not! It's a rather useless fake!" Deadpool posed dramatically once again. "For the true sword of kings, look no further than I! The Knight out of Time!" Reaching into the ether, he drew forth a perfectly balanced blade that glittered with a golden light. "Behold the true form of..." He drew a deep breath. "Ex~cali-bur!" he proclaimed dramatically.

The blade flared in light, and transformed into the ugliest creature Deadpool had ever seen.

Deadpool stared as the creature began to sip tea. "That...is not what I was expecting."

"Is it tasty?" Chrysalis asked.

"Fool!" the creature proclaimed. "Know you not that you are in the presence of the ultimate Weapon, Ex~cali-bur? Mind your place!"

Chrysalis bridled. "Don't talk to me like that! I'ma queen!"

"And I am a sword of Kings!" Excalibur proclaimed. "The first rule you must obey to wield Excalibur-"

The creature's words were cut off as Deadpool put a gun to his nose. "No, not your rules. Mine. Here's the three rules of being wielded by Deadpool. Rule one, you do what I say, when I say it, without question or argument, or I pierce your nose with a bullet! Two, if you ever call my Chrysi a 'fool' again, I'll shoot off one of your testicles! Rule three, your power is always either mine or Chrysi's to command at full force, whoever's holding your hilt. Understand?"

The creature stared up the length of the barrel at Deadpool for a time...then proceeded to dance. "Huzzah and good fortune! At long last I have found a Meister who won't put up with my regulations! One who properly demands my obedience to his will! At long last I have found Arthur's proper successor! I am yours to command, oh King in Red and Black!" The creature flashed with light and reappeared in Deadpool's hand as the blade.

Deadpool blinked. "Wow. Didn't see that coming." He then grinned at Ruber. "I hope you're ready for this!"

Ruber screamed in fear and then agony as Deadpool wielded the sword in a teleporting frenzy of destruction. Chrysalis clapped happily, applauding and encouraging an encore.

Hours later, Deadpool stared out at the smoking wasteland that was once the Warner Brothers depiction of Medieval England. "...think I went too far?" he asked.

"Most assuredly," Stuffy scolded.

Chrysalis, Excalibur, and Crazy had a different opinion. "Nope!" they said together.

"Didn't think so!" Deadpool proclaimed proudly. "Now let's see if we can get the right Camelot this time!" Turning, Deadpool used the sword to teleport them to the sea so he could ride a shark into the next movie.

Deadpool, Chrysalis, and the knights of the Round Table enjoyed a tap dance routine to work off the weight of all the shark meat they ate. Afterwards, Deadpool leapt over the bones to home. ...and they never spoke of it again.

"...Fools!"

World's Best Dad

Chrysalis awoke slowly to the sound of her Daddy's snores. Smiling as she blinked her eyes, she buzzed up out of her bed to hover over him. She settled gently beside him and touched his shoulder gently with one hoof.

He started mumbling in his sleep. "...Chrysi...you're so adorable...eat the flesh of my enemies...just like that...army of adorable..." He let out another snore as a wave of love poured off him, which Chrysalis happily consumed as it was meant for her anyway. With her Daddy, she never went hungry.

Once she'd eaten her fill, she began to flit around the apartment, looking for something to do. As she did, she glanced at the calendar. She knew how to read the date, although it had never meant anything to her. However, she noticed something marked on an upcoming day that caught her eye.

Father's Day

She tilted her head in confusion. Father's Day? She had no idea what that was. However, this wasn't the first thing she'd encountered here that she didn't understand. She had two easy ways of getting answers in that regard. Since her Daddy was still asleep, she used the second option.

Closing her eyes, she opened her mind and heart. Mommy? she called softly.

When she opened her eyes, the world was different. Crazed, fanciful beings danced in a macabre parody of life as she knew it. Ancient spirits swung with those yet unborn, singing hellish songs of praise. And in the center of it all was a throne of bones, upon which a familiar robe figure sat, directing her smile Chrysalis' way. "How can I help you, my dear sweet child?" Death asked, setting her scythe aside and holding her arms out to the Changeling nymph.

Grinning widely, Chrysalis leapt into her mother's arms, hugging her around the neck and lapping up her love. It had different qualities from her Daddy's love, more primal. Where Daddy's love was spicy and set a fire in her veins, Mommy's love had more subtle flavors. It was the difference between backyard barbecue and an elegant dinner. Both were filling and delicious, but one was more cultured than the other.

Pulling back from the hug, she looked up into her Mommy's empty eye sockets, so different from Daddy's white shapes in black ovals. "What's Father's Day?" she asked. "I saw it on the calendar, but I never heard of it before."

"But I have never," Lady Death chided gently, being the only parent concerned about Chrysalis learning, if nothing else, proper grammar. She chuckled at the face Chrysalis made over the correction. "Father's Day is a holiday mortals use to celebrate their Fathers. This generally involves a present of some sort, and spending the day with them for those who are no longer children living at home."

Chrysalis gasped loudly. "I gotta get Daddy a present!" she proclaimed. "What'll I get him? What'll I get him?"

Lady Death smiled as she set Chrysalis down. "Think of all you know of him," she said softly. "The perfect present will come to you."

With that, the realm of Death faded from Chrysalis' vision, and she was back in the apartment.

Diving into her bed, she quickly pulled out the bag that held the money Deadpool had been giving her, calling it her allowance. He had said it was for whatever she wanted to buy for herself. She'd never spent any of it except on the ice cream truck. Other than those impulse buys, the apartment contained everything she could want...except some slaves to do her every bidding, but apparently that was illegal. Which was a pity, because she was pretty certain a buxom slave girl to do his every whim would be the perfect present for her Daddy, given what she'd seen on his internet.

Her money hanging in the pouch around her neck, Chrysalis flew out the window and towards the shopping district. She was certain she'd find something that would make the perfect present for her Daddy.

Passing by a hat store, she paused. If she was going to be out in public, she should look her best.

Ten minutes later, she walked out of the hat store wearing a stylish fez, and smiling from ear to ear. "Now, to buy Daddy a present..." Her voice trailed off and her smile faded as she poured out her money pouch.

37 cents spilled onto her hoof.

She stared at the tiny amount of money in her possession. She couldn't even buy a cup of coffee with that, let alone a Father's Day present. ...not that she drank coffee, but it was the principle of the thing. "How am I supposed to get Daddy a present now?" she wailed.

"Try blowing up that dumpster to get moneys out of it!" someone suggested.

Quickly acting on the suggestion, Chrysalis blasted the nearby dumpster with a bolt of magic. There was a rain of garbage, flying hunks of metal, and a great many terrified screams as people ran away, but no money. "Well, that didn't work," she pouted.

"That's because this isn't a video game," another voice growled.

"Yet!"

Chrysalis blinked. Both of those voices sounded like her, almost. The blue one sounded like her on a sugar rush, while the brown one sounded as if she were trying to talk like Mommy or... "Oh my gosh!" she squealed happily. "I've got my own Crazy and Stuffy!"

"Yay!"

"You only just put that together?"

Chrysalis clapped her hooves happily. "Now you two can help me get some money to buy Daddy a present for Father's Day!" She tilted her head. "So...how do I make money?"

"Well, first you buy a printer-"

"That is not a good idea."

"Yeah! I only have 37 cents."

"Look, there are plenty of easy ways for an adorable little girl like us to get money for a present for Daddy."

"Just ask yourself, What Would Daddy Do?"

"And then don't do that."

Chrysalis nodded and thought for a time. Mentally crossing off everything her Daddy would do, she came to the end of her list. "I've got nothing."

"We could try picking pockets!"

"Heck no!"

"I don't even wear clothes!" Chrysalis pointed out.

"No, you pick other people's pockets."

"That's a bad idea."

"Yeah. How am I supposed to get a job as a fashion consultant when I don't wear clothes?"

The voices were silent for a time. "I don't know whether to be relieved she isn't going to try it or groan in frustration at how badly she misinterpreted that."

"That place has pretty colors!"

"Ooh! Pretty colors!" Chrysalis said happily as she bounced over to the Penny Arcade.

37 games later, Chrysalis was broke, and she hadn't managed to win any prizes.

"Stupid designed for humans controls," she pouted. "They stole all my munnies... Now how am I supposed to get Daddy a present?"

"We could try begging," Crazy Chrysalis offered.

"That's...actually not a bad idea."

Grinning, Chrysalis fished a piece of cardboard and a marker out of the wreckage of the exploded dumpster. She then quickly wrote Need munnies 4 Daddy Day on it and set it beside her, setting her fez down open end up in front of her, giving everyone who passed by her most adorable begging face. For some reason, everyone ran the opposite direction.

"How come this isn't working?"

"Maybe because all these people have heard about how we blew up a dumpster!"

"...wow. Humans sure know how to hold a grudge."

"Why won't anybody help me get my Daddy a present!" Chrysalis wailed, throwing another blast of magic.

The office building across the street exploded, raining fire down over a large portion of the city.

"The end is nigh!" a crazy man with a sign shouted as he danced through the flames and the screaming, fleeing populace. "The end is nigh!"

"No, it is pony caused!" another shouted. "The end is neigh!"

Pouting, Chrysalis put her fez back on and stalked away.

"Psst...hey kid!" a shady voice said from a dark alleyway. "I hear you want to make some quick cash?"

"Uh huh!" Chrysalis said eagerly. "I wanna buy my Daddy a present!"

"This feels like a bad idea..."

"Well," the shady character whispered, "some of my buddies and I are working on something, and you'd be just perfect for what we've got planned. Interested?"

"Okay, this is definitely a bad idea."

"Umm...what would I have to do?" Chrysalis asked.

"Can you chant?" the robed figure asked.

"Can't be all that bad."

A half hour later, even more screaming could be heard, along with the sounds of people being ripped to pieces. "Well that sucked," Chrysalis pouted.

"I told you doing anything with shady characters was a bad idea."

"I thought summoning an eldritch horror was fun!"

"But it ate them all before any of them paid me!" Chrysalis complained. "So now I'm still broke and without a present for Father's Day." As she flew back into the apartment, she took her fez off, holding it in her hooves.

"And just where have you been, young lady?" Deadpool demanded angrily.

She sniffled. "I...I just wanted to get you a present for Father's Day..." she whimpered.

Deadpool gasped. "And you got me a fez!" he proclaimed happily, quickly putting it on his own head. "It's just what I always wanted! It goes great with my monocle and fake mustache to complete my snobby look!" He pulled out a monocle and fake mustache, sticking both to his face. "Right-o!"

"...seriously?"

"It's just like Mommy said! The perfect present for our random and silly Daddy is something random and silly for him to be random and silly with!"

Crazy suddenly gasped happily. "Chrysi has her own version of us now! I'm a Daddy, too!"

Stuffy sniffled. "I'm...I don't know what to say..."

"Daddy!"

"Hello, Father."

"You are Cray-Chry.

"And you shall be Stuffalis."

"Ooh...I like that name!"

"A little silly, but suitable."

"And that makes me Deadpool Chrysi!" Chrysalis said happily. She giggled. "I'm DC!"

Deadpool grabbed Chrysalis and began shaking her, angrily demanding over and over again, "What were you thinking with Teen Titans GO? What were you thinking with Teen Titans GO?"

Chrysalis giggled happily, but the enjoyable shakes were interrupted by an inhuman scream of hunger echoing from outside.

Deadpool stepped up to the window. "Chrysi? Why is the city on fire? ...and littered with bits of dead people? ...and why has an eldritch abomination torn the sky open to reach down with black tentacles to eat people? ...and is that a volcano?"

Chrysalis smiled innocently. "It was a...very enthusiastic shopping trip?" she offered cutely.

Deadpool pulled her into a tight hug. "Best daughter ever!"

World's Best Daughter

Deadpool awoke almost instantly as the first rays of the sun struck his face. "That's weird," he said to himself as he sat up. "I don't normally wake up that quickly."

"Unless we have something important to do during the day," Crazy pointed out. "Do we have something important to do?"

"Hmm..." Stuffy mused. "All I'm getting is something about a fez..."

"Oh yeah!" Deadpool said happily, reaching over to the brand new hat rack and taking his new fez down. "Chrysi got this for me! What a wonderful Father's Day present..." His voice trailed off. A lightbulb appeared over his head, which he quickly unscrewed so the light wouldn't disturb Chrysalis' slumber. "Her birthday's coming up! I need to get her a present as awesome as the fez she got me!"

"...how do we even know when her birthday is?" Stuffy asked in confusion.

"Because the story demands it, duh!" Crazy countered. "We couldn't very well have a chapter about getting her an awesome birthday present if we didn't know when her birthday was."

"...that doesn't even begin to make sense."

"Oh! Getting John De Lancie to sing Happy Birthday at her party would be an awesome treat!" Deadpool proclaimed. "Good thinking Stuffy! Still need an awesome present, though."

Stuffy groaned in resigned frustration. "Why do I put up with you two?"

"Because you know what happens without you two," Stuffalis murmured as Chrysalis turned over in her sleep.

All three Deadpools shuddered. "Right. And that's also the reason we don't leave Wade to his own devices."

"Let's not talk about that."

"Agreed," Deadpool confirmed. Leaning over, he kissed Chrysalis on her forehead before tucking her blanket up around her chin. "You sleep tight, Chrysi," he whispered. "I'll be back just as soon as I've gotten the world's best birthday present for the world's best daughter."

"Title drop!"

"Shush, you'll wake her."

"Sorry."

With a smile, Deadpool walked out into the main room of the apartment. Since the eldritch abomination Chrysalis had accidentally helped summon had eaten the Xavier Institute, Uncle Fuzzy was crashing here, and was laid back on the couch flipping channels. "Heading out to get Chrysalis a birthday present!" Deadpool told him excitedly.

Uncle Fuzzy nodded. "Already got her mine," he said, patting a wrapped box at his feet.

"How did you know when her birthday was?" Deadpool demanded. "I had to use my fourth wall breaking powers to find out!"

"Her Mom's Death," Uncle Fuzzy replied. "I asked Chrysi to ask her Mom when her birthday was. Death knows the exact length of everyone's lifetimes, after all."

"...that is...a very logical approach."

"Which explains why we didn't think of it!"

"So what'd you get her?" Deadpool asked. "Don't wanna dupe it, ya know?"

Uncle Fuzzy smirked. "A hand sewn Deadpool onesie, complete with mask/hood."

"Oh, she's going to love those!"

"How am I going to top that?" Deadpool demanded.

"You'll think of something," Uncle Fuzzy confirmed.

"I shall!" Deadpool proclaimed. "Only the best for my little angel! And since I'm going to be snobbish..." He quickly donned the fez, the monocle, and the fake mustache. "I shall look the part!" With that, he leapt out the window.

Uncle Fuzzy rolled his eyes, turning back to the TV and continuing to flip channels.

Deadpool's first stop was a jewelry store. "Girls love jewelry!" Deadpool said confidently. "It's a universal fact! I'll get her the perfect gemstone and metal accouterments and she will be overjoyed as it will surely be the best present imaginable!"

"Don't you think she's a little young for jewelry?"

"No."

Deadpool walked right up to the counter. "I'm looking for a gift for my daughter," he told the cute girl behind the counter. "She's a reverse-aged Changeling Queen from another dimension that closely resembles the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, somewhere between five and ten years old physically, and I want the best possible present I can get for her!" He noticed the clerk staring wide eyed. "Well, come on, make it snappy!" When she continued to not respond, he snapped his fingers in front of her eyes. "Geeze, you'd think she'd never seen a costumed super wearing a fez, monocle, and fake mustache trying to buy a present for a Changeling Queen nymph."

"While all odds point to the fact she probably hasn't...I don't think it's you she's staring at."

"What could possibly be more interesting than me?" Deadpool demanded.

"Maybe the band of thugs armed with sub-machine guns who just came in and are currently robbing the place?"

One of the thugs put his gun against Deadpool's back. "Gimme all your money-"

"Nope!" Deadpool countered as he spun, drawing his sword and swinging it through the thug's neck in the same motion.

"DecapitaTION!" Crazy called out.

"Explain that away as a big boo-boo, Author!" Deadpool cackled. "Who's next?"

Ten minutes later, the entire jewelry store was smashed to pieces, the whole place was covered with blood, and Deadpool still didn't have a present for Chrysalis.

"Aw man!"

Not only that, somehow no one had died-

"But I decapitated that guy!"

-not even the mutant Deadpool had decapitated, whose unique mutation had earned him the nickname amongst his fellows as 'Buggy the Clown'.

"What...oooh! I get it!"

Deadpool had eventually been forced to subdue the mutant by kicking him in the nuts...repeatedly.

"That's just how I roll!" Deadpool proclaimed happily. "Now, time to try another store!"

"Clothes!" Deadpool proclaimed as he headed for the local fashion boutique. "Girls love clothing!"

"And you think human clothing will fit on Chrysalis?"

"No."

"Clothing!" Deadpool proclaimed again as he turned to the pet store right next to the boutique. "Girls love clothing! It's a universal-"

A massive black tentacle reached down from the sky and ripped both stores from the ground, pulling them into a massive maw.

"Did nobody fix that?" Deadpool demanded angrily. "Did they just think it would go away if they ignored it and pretended it didn't exist?"

"Isn't that what we did?"

"No."

"...god dammit, Crazy..."

"Gotcha to say it-ow! Stop hitting me, Stuffy!"

Deadpool leapt onto the next tentacle that reached down, racing up it to a massive crimson eye. "Hey!" he proclaimed angrily. "This is my city, whoever you are! Go find somewhere else to ravage! You're getting in the way of me trying to buy a present for Chrysalis, and-"

Another tentacle presented him with a box wrapped in colorful paper, tied shut with a ribbon, and tagged. The tag read:

To Chrysalis
From Yog-Soggoth
Do not Open until The End of the Story

Deadpool stared. "You...were sticking around to give her a birthday present?"

A massive black tentacle rubbed an unimaginably huge stomach in satisfaction. The creature then vanished, leaving Deadpool suspended in midair. He looked down, and gravity-

"Sucked my cancer inflamed nutsack!" Deadpool countered, proceeding to prance his way back down to the ground in defiance of natural and unnatural law. "How does that taste, physics?" Deadpool demanded, turning around and spanking his ass tauntingly.

It was at this point he realized he still didn't have a present for Chrysalis.

"Dammit!"

Deadpool walked back towards the apartment, struggling to think of a gift for Chrysalis. "Shoes? Girls love shoes."

"She has hooves, not feet."

"...perfume?" he asked desperately.

"But I like the way she smells!"

"Video games?!"

"We own them all already."

"A cannon? Bitches love cannons!"

"You think our daughter is a bitch?"

"We're the son of one, so if she's our daughter, the transitive property indicates-"

"That you are full of shit. Besides, she prefers to play with our cannon."

"That sounded dirty..."

"Shut up."

Deadpool sighed as he sat down. "This is horrible..." he moaned. "How am I supposed to get her a present? She...she already has everything I could buy her...but she got me such a great present..."

Looking in front of him, he visualized how adorable Chrysi looked handing him the fez. She looked so nervous, unsure if she'd gotten the right gift. He just wanted to reach out and hug her, and...

Reaching out, he picked up the image of the fez and put it on the image of Chrysalis.

"Dear god, that's adorable..."

Taking off his monocle and fake mustache, he held them up to the image.

"That's...actually rather precious. She's looking snobbish, just like her Daddy-"

A lightbulb appeared over Deadpool's head, shining as bright as a miniature sun. Putting the monocle and fake mustache back on, he raced for the costume shop. The perfect present for Chrysalis would be her own fez, monocle, and fake mustache.

After all, the greatest gift a father can give his little girl...is something they can do together.

Pomp and Culture

Uncle Fuzzy awoke slowly the morning after Chrysalis' birthday party. It had been a very...unusual party, to be sure. Deadpool had somehow gotten John De Lancie to sing "Happy Birthday" for Chrysalis in his Discord voice, making her the envy of bronies and Trekkies everywhere...especially considering Deadpool arranged to broadcast the entire thing live over the entire internet, just to make everyone jealous. Lady Death had temporarily animated Stryker's severed head to leap out of the birthday cake and sing "Hello My Baby". Mr. De Lancie went up several measures in Uncle Fuzzy's opinion as an actor for not flinching through the entire performance. He could be forgiven for needing to excuse himself after Chrysalis took a bite from the chocolate covered undead head. Thankfully, Deadpool had provided a second cake for those who didn't eat undead human flesh, this one strawberry flavored so there would be no confusion.

Chrysalis had adored all the presents she had received. From Cable, she got a plasma rifle from the future. Wade had complained about how come Cable never got him one, to which Cable countered that Chrysalis was far cuter than Wade could ever hope to be. This led to a rather disturbing attempt of Deadpool's to be adorable, involving everything from cat ears, a schoolgirl outfit, dressing up as Hatsune Miku, and singing Pinkie Pie songs in an unnaturally high pitched voice. Uncle Fuzzy was grateful they'd broken the booze out after Chrysalis had gone to bed.

John De Lancie had brought a Chrysalis plushie for the birthday girl, the exact nature of the party and birthday girl having apparently gotten garbled by the time the request reached him. Chrysalis, however, adored it, instantly dubbing it 'Mini Me'. She was soon seen smacking its face against the face of the excessively fluffy plushie Deadpool had made for her, saying, "Now kiss!"

Lady Death stole the show on presents, however. She had gotten Chrysalis a puppy of her very own, one to raise and care for. She had linked the puppy's life force to Chrysalis, so the dog would live as long as the little Changeling did. The dog was also, apparently, a reincarnation of a particular empowered canine from another dimension. It was decided he would be called 'Puppypool' until he grew up, and Chrysalis loved him to pieces. As this was literal, it was a relief that the canine had retained its previous life super powers.

Beyond that, Uncle Fuzzy's recollection of the party was somewhat fuzzy, as Chrysalis had suffered a sugar explosion and crash, falling asleep against Puppypool, who was wearing her new fez. Then Cable had broken out the future booze to drink to Chrysalis' long and happy life. John De Lancie had been unconscious after the first shot. From the looks of the mess, they had gone through 12 bottles.

Sitting up, he noticed that - aside from the mess in the bathroom he woke up in - the apartment had been redecorated. Puppypool sat at a grand piano in a puppy tuxedo, banging keys with his paws in an imitation of music playing that, somehow, managed to sound like perfect classical music. A phonograph nearby played a quiet melody, sounding like a young woman singing of love in Latin. He didn't recognize the tune. He also discovered he was wearing a rather prim and proper tuxedo, looking like either a butler or a British gentleman.

The walls were lined with bookcases filled with very thick books. The image of a cultured, educated household was destroyed if one actually read the titles, however. Page 2 Girls, Volume 1, The Works of Hugh Hefner, Kama Sutra, Kamare Sutra: Equinoid Edition - Uncle Fuzzy quickly decided not to question that one - and, of course, the largest set of books on the shelf, The History of Porn, A Picture Book Compendium. On a closer listen, Uncle Fuzzy also realized that - as romantic as the tune from the phonograph sounded - once translated into English, it was a rather graphic description of a sexual encounter in the middle of a battlefield.

Beyond the bookshelves were glass cases in which were displayed all manner of firearms, from the looks of it Deadpool's entire arsenal, carefully labeled and cataloged, complete with little anecdotes detailing Deadpool's favorite story regarding the weapon. This came complete with pictures of the corpse, post unaliving.

Hearing a small silver bell ringing, Uncle Fuzzy went to the other side of the apartment to investigate. In place of the TV, there was a fireplace with crackling fire. Bookshelves lined the walls, this time with books about weapons, and the occasional book on child psychology, though labeled under 'The Funnies'. In the center of the room, Deadpool and Chrysalis sat at a high table that was pure white, its legs delicately arched, a work of sublime perfection in carving.

Deadpool was wearing a dining jacket, his fez, his monocle, his fake mustache, and reading The Financial Times...upside down. Chrysalis sat in the other chair, wearing a snow white sundress, delicate crystal shoes, her fez, her monocle, her fake mustache, and delicately sipping from a fine bone china tea cup that was practically paper thin. The cup was filled with fizzy strawberry soda.

"Ah, Sir Fuzzington!" Chrysalis said happily, her voice doing a passable imitation of putting on high class airs. "There you are! It is nearly time for high tea, and we are all out of biscuits!"

"The trays are in the kitchen," Deadpool commented, his voice with much more practices pomp, since he obviously had practiced. "Do be a good chap and fetch them for us, there's a good fellow."

Rolling his eyes, Sir Fuzzington decided to indulge the pompous behavior if only because it was putting such a huge smile on Chrysalis' face. Walking to the kitchen, he came back with two trays. One had three plates on it, the other had a third teacup and a kettle. "I'd better-" he began, then paused and reassessed his words for the situation. "I dare say," he tried again, "if I am not invited to this high tea, I will be very put out."

"But of course, Sir Fuzzington!" Deadpool proclaimed, contriving to sound offended and amused at the same time. "We wouldn't dream of excluding you! High tea is a time for family after all."

Setting out the plates, Sir Fuzzington realized that the Deadpool touch had altered even this part of the attempt to be high class. The kettle was filled with more fizzy strawberry soda. Sir Fuzzington's snack plate contained a Montreal hot dog and french fries. Deadpool's plate had a sloppy joe, which would likely be even more sloppy due to his mask. Only Chrysalis' plate looked remotely high class, containing four small meat balls in red sauce on sticks. Chrysalis daintily lifted one by the stick to her lips, delicately biting it in half.

"I was unaware meatballs were considered appropriate for High Tea," Sir Fuzzington commented dryly.

Chrysalis giggled in an appropriately lady like manner, glancing towards the second freezer. "Well, they are made of meat, of a sort," she allowed.

Sir Fuzzington wisely decided to pursue the subject no further.

An Education

As Chrysalis woke up one morning, she was rather surprised to discover her Daddy packing a great deal into a small pair of bags. She wasn't all that surprised at the volume he was managing to fit in, an amount that would put most video game inventories to shame. After all, it was her Daddy. What did surprise her was what he was packing it with.

She sat back in consternation as she watched a massive box of crayons slip into the tiny bag, not even creating a bulge. Following that was several packs of number two pencils and ball point pens. After that was a box of unopened notepads that easily weighed 80 pounds. This was followed by what Chrysalis felt was more reasonable packing items: a taser, a can of mace, an actual mace, a cell phone, a list of phone numbers, and a T-Rex.

Into the other bag went a brown bag filled with some of her favorite non-love and non-people related snack foods, her Deadpool plushie with its face repaired after she'd eaten it off for the 3,456th time, her favorite blankie, and her handheld game console which somehow managed to be whatever console she needed to play whatever portable game she happened to want to play, somehow. He also packed all the handheld games.

"Daddy?" Chrysalis asked at last. "What are you doing?"

"Packing your school bags," he replied solemnly.

"School?" Chrysalis asked in confusion. "What's that?"

"Is it delicious?" Cray-Chry inquired.

"It most definitely is not," Stuffalis groaned. "It's a place children are sent to in order to learn things."

Chrysalis tilted her head. "So...school's in the internet?"

"Oh I wish," Deadpool replied. "At school, you have to follow rules and behave. On the plus side, you get to play with other kids."

Chrysalis blinked. "Other...kids?"

"Humans your age," Deadpool explained. Kneeling in front of her, he set the saddlebags down on her back under her wings, strapping them under her belly. They barely weighed anything, which wasn't that surprising all things considered. "I'm pretty sure I've packed anything you could possibly need for your first day of school, so I want you to have fun and make some friends, okay?"

"What possible reason could she need a T-Rex at school?" Stuffy demanded.

"Show and Tell?" Crazy offered.

"...the portable arc-generator?"

"Power outage."

"...the 300 pounds of C4?"

"Terrorist attack."

"How does 300 pounds of C4 help her if terrorists attack her school?"

"She can sell it to them for exact change, delaying their assault long enough for us to get there?"

"...and the 3000 colored plastic balls?"

"Ball emergency."

"Does she look like Pinkie Pie to you?"

"She could if she wanted to."

"Yes we can!" Cray-Chry proclaimed excitedly.

Chrysalis happily turned into a filly Pinkie Pie.

Deadpool snickered. "Change back now," he instructed. "I need to tie the bow."

Chrysalis returned to her normal form, letting Deadpool reach back and tie a blood red ribbon with a black stripe around her mane in a bow. "Aren't you precious?" he whispered, kissing her just under the base of her horn.

Chrysalis smiled happily, nuzzling him.

"What about a ball pit?"

"How would she make a ball pit at a school?"

"The stack of seasoned lumber, nails, nail gun, wood varnish, and power tools?"

"...I give up..."

"You did it again, Daddy!"

"Another victory for the crazies!"

Deadpool stood up with a smile. "Come on. I'll give you a lift."

One motorcycle and sidecar ride later, Deadpool pulled up in front of a public school. "Okay," he said softly, "I've taken care of all your registration, so you just need to make your way to your classroom. I'm given to understand that this town is rather used to...unusual events and beings, so you shouldn't cause to much of a stir. You skipped a few grades after your aptitude test, so the kids you'll be in class with will be a smidgen older than you, but that's nothing to worry about. You're looking for the class of..." He took a closer look at the paperwork. "A...Mr. Henry Teacherman. Wow, was he named by ponies or something?" He shook his head to cast that thought aside for the moment. "Anyway, just behave yourself, follow the rules, make some friends, and try not to make trouble until your second semester. I'll be here when school lets out to pick you up and take you home, but if anything goes wrong, feel free to call me.

"Your cellphone already has my cell number programmed in, as well as Uncle Fuzzy's. We'll be here in minutes if you need us. You've also got the number to dial through time to call Cable if you need him on the paper with the other emergency numbers, and if anyone hassles you I've packed plenty of deterrents and flat out weapons if those aren't enough, and-"

"Daddy!" Chrysalis interrupted. She rested her hoof on his shoulder. "I'll be fine. It's just school. They're only human." She nuzzled his chest. "I'll miss you...but if you say I have to go, I'll go, and try to enjoy it." Leaning up, she kissed him on the cheek. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"The town gets invaded by aliens that are out to repopulate their species, enslave the entire populace by trapping them under an impenetrable dome, and use their own fourth-wall-breaking powers to keep us out of the town long enough that by the time we are able to get you out, you're branded and pregnant?"

"...that sounds like something I'd come up with."

"I'm worried. Why aren't you?"

"I am. I just know that if something like that happened, Chrysi could take 'em. After all, she's got a T-Rex."

Deadpool swallowed. "Well...if you're sure..."

Chrysalis nuzzled him one last time. "It'll be okay." She then scampered off towards the school, turning back to wave. "See you this afternoon, Daddy!" she called out.

Deadpool watched her as she headed into the school. "They...they grow up so fast..." he whimpered.

"Off to school already...not looking back..." Crazy sounded unusually solemn.

"It...it means we did a good job," Stuffy said through his sniffles. "She feels safe..."

"...so...gonna spy on her throughout the day to make sure she's okay?"

"She'd never forgive us."

"I meant secretly!"

"She can sense our presence."

"...even through a satellite?"

"I wouldn't be at all surprised," Deadpool pointed out as he turned his motorcycle to leave town. "Still, we need to do...something to cheer up so we aren't moping all day."

"Check out that kid's hair!" Crazy exclaimed.

Turning, Deadpool saw a young boy walking into the school. His hair was the color of flames. Feeling mischievous, Deadpool decided to set the kid's hair on fire. The kid barely noticed.

"...you weren't kidding about this town being used to the strange stuff," Stuffy pointed out mildly.

Author's Note

For those of you who catch the reference in the second half...

What town is the school in, and at what point did you figure it out?

Also, how much of the emergency gear that Deadpool gave Chrysi do you think she'll need?

First!

As Deadpool returned to the town to pick up Chrysalis, the first thing he noticed was the giant smoking crater everyone seemed to be ignoring. "Is this sort of thing really that normal here?" Deadpool demanded in shock.

"Maybe we should move here!" Crazy suggested excitedly.

"No dead bodies," Stuffy pointed out.

"We can fix that!"

"...no."

As he went further into town, he discovered quite a bit of evidence regarding the events of the day. It was apparently a rather exciting one. He found a whole army of mole men stuffed into trees with only their rear ends sticking out, groaning. The apparent king was in the most discomfort, considering his crown had been stuck in a...most uncomfortable location.

Next to the Town Hall, a Mr. Freeze wannabe hung from a giant icicle by his underpants. He was shivering as several pieces of armor - presumably what let him handle the cold normally - were placed on several other icicles just out of reach of his flailing limbs all around him.

Passing through the air, a rather fat cat was screaming in fear as he did a very passable imitation of a bird by flapping his arms hard enough to generate lift as he fled. A rather harried looking butler followed after the cat on a bicycle.

A clown nearby was looking not quite as crazed as he obviously normally did. Deadpool wasn't sure if it was because he had been tied into a pretzel, or if it was because of all the toys attacking him with glowing green eyes.

Not too far away from there, a rather fat kid in white and far too much gold jewelry was running on a treadmill, struggling to reach a book that was hanging just out of reach of his hands. The book was titled The Secret to Winning Susan Test's Heart, and the green glow in the kid's eyes indicated he wasn't aware he was on a treadmill...or that the book - which was filled with page after page of troll faces and played "Never Gonna Give You Up" when opened - was hanging from a line attached to a band around his head.

Not far from there, a green Darth Vader wannabe was being...attacked...by plunder vines.

"Guess Death gave Chrysi the talk," Deadpool muttered as he backed away slowly.

"How was she able to command the vines to do that?"

"I'd rather know where she got the plunder seeds!"

At long last, Deadpool caught sight of Chrysalis. She was standing on top of the T-Rex - who had somehow been armed with massive weapons of one sort or another and now more closely resembled a bio-metallic weapons platform - and staring down a pair of redheaded twins who were staring up at her in fear. "What have we learned?" Chrysalis asked carefully.

"The rights of the individual outweigh the pursuit of science!" the one on the left - indistinguishable from the other save hairstyle, glasses shape, and the fact she was wearing a star hairpin - replied quickly.

"What else?" Chrysi asked gently.

"That it's not nice to snatch someone up for science when they're having fun?" the one on the right, wearing a moon hairpin, offered worriedly.

The weapons primed. "And. What. Else?" Chrysalis demanded intently.

"Needles are bad, okay?" both girls shouted out in fear.

The weapons shut down. "Very good!" Chrysalis replied with a beatific smile on her face. "Class dismissed!"

The pair fled, screaming.

Turning, Chrysalis spotted Deadpool. "Hi Daddy!" she called happily, flying into his arms.

Deadpool, for his part, quickly embraced her. "So...other than everything I've seen so far, how was your first day of school?"

"It was great!" Chrysalis replied eagerly. "I did great in my classes, I made a couple new friends, and I learned that the teacher has no defenses against mental manipulation whatsoever!" She giggled. "Metalshop is now my favorite class." She pointed to the modified T-Rex to elucidate her point.

Deadpool stared up at the heavily armed and armored reptile. "So...what'd you name him?"

"Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom-Dino!" Chrysalis proclaimed happily. "Sparky for short!"

Deadpool chuckled. "That's just too adorable," he said happily. When he saw Chrysalis easily stuff Sparky into her saddlebag, he shook his head in amazement. "I think you'll be ready to remake the game for you soon!" he promised eagerly.

Chrysalis clapped happily. "Yay! I can't wait!" She then nuzzled up against Deadpool's chest. "And I...met somebody..." An adorable blush touched her cheeks.

"This won't end well..."

"Shut up!" Cray-Chry complained petulantly.

Deadpool gasped. "Ohmygosh...your first crush?" He squealed happily.

"This is so wonderful!"

"...they grow up so fast..."

"So..." Deadpool began, "who is it? What is he/she like?"

Chrysalis smiled dreamily. "He's nice. So gentle. A bit quiet. A bit dumb. But he's so strong...and powerful...and so pretty..."

Deadpool shrugged. He wasn't at all surprised that Chrysalis' first crush was based entirely in physical attraction. That was normal after all. "Why don't you lead me to him?" he asked. "I'd like to meet the guy who's caught my little girl's eye."

Chrysalis smiled eagerly. "He's this way!" she said happily, buzzing off in flight.

Deadpool quickly took after her, and was led to a rather large track. Out on the track, he spotted a young man with tanned skin, blond hair, and blue eyes, his hair blowing in the breeze. "Him?" Deadpool asked.

"He's gorgeous..." Chrysalis replied dreamily.

"Huh," Deadpool replied. "Didn't think you liked blondes."

"What?' Chrysalis demanded. "Not the dumb ape man! The one carrying him!"

Blinking, Deadpool's eyes lowered to the reddish horse the boy was riding, his black mane waving in the breeze as his white fetlocks seemed to defy the dirt to cling to him, racing around the track. "...the horse?"

"His name's Thunder," Chrysalis explained. "Isn't he dreamy?" She sighed happily, little hearts in her eyes and floating off her head.

Deadpool looked closely at the horse in question...and instantly spotted something that would not go over well. He didn't want to hurt Chrysi, but he couldn't bring himself to keep something like this from her. He sighed, knowing it was better for her to hear it sooner rather than later. "He's also a gelding," he pointed out.

The tinkle of broken glass accompanied the vanishing of the hearts surrounding Chrysalis. "W..what?"

"You mean...he has no use for mares...ever?"

Stuffaliss sighed. "I tried to tell you..."

Chrysalis began to sniffle...and then she broke into tears.

Deadpool quickly scooped her into his arms. "Come on," he said softly. "I'll go buy you an ice cream shop, and you can go swimming in the cartons."

Chrysalis looked up. "Y...you brought that much money?"

"Money schmunny," Deadpool derided. "I was gonna pay in bullets!"

Chrysalis giggled, snuggling into Deadpool as she wiped her face on his costume.

Game On!

As Chrysalis walked around the apartment, she heard a beep from the answering machine. "Deadpool, it's Uncle Fuzzy. Got your message, and bro or not, you still don't get to take the Blackbird out for a joyride. Now stop calling about it until Chrysalis is big enough to reach the controls."

The next message played. "Hey Deadpool, it's Domino. So I got another contract for you if you're interested. The coin is good, so just let me know. And about that...other thing you texted me about..." There was static for a time. "That's...not really something a Father should be thinking about, especially when you're - from what I hear - in a committed relationship. Speaking of which, when am I going to meet your little girl?"

"Did that seem scripted to anyone else?" Cray-Chry asked.

"Felt that way to me," Stuffaliss agreed.

"Except for Uncle Fuzzy and bringing up Chrysalis, it was almost exactly how our game started off," Stuffy pointed out.

"Oh my gosh, does that mean it's time for the remake?" Crazy asked eagerly.

The answering machine beeped again. "Deadpool, it's Peter Della Penna from High Moon Studios. You know, the guy you kept calling 'dickhead' when you cornered me in the parking lot? The one whose head your little girl transformed into a dick for laughs?"

"Good times!" Deadpool reminisced.

"Anyway, looked over your proposal about the game remake," the message continued, "and...not going to pretend I understood any of it. The answer was going to be no, but..."

"No but?" Deadpool asked. "That's different."

"Well..." There was static for a time. "The little lady's agent met up with me...and made it plain if I and the company didn't go through with it, that we would live to regret it for a very long time. Something about a 1000 year digestion process?"

"You have an agent?" Deadpool asked in surprise.

"At any rate," Peter continued, "Mr. Soggoth was very convincing, so we're going through with it. You get to do the whole thing all over again with your little bug pony girl in tow-" The message was interrupted by a squealing roar that no earthly orifice could possibly produce, and probably wasn't being reproduced properly by the answering machine. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Changeling Queen! She's absolutely adorable! Please don't eat my brain!"

Deadpool turned to Chrysalis. "Girl, you are good at being bad!" he praised. "Hoof bump!" He held out his closed fist.

Giggling, Chrysalis returned the gesture with her hoof.

"At any rate, we'll be sending over the revised script just as soon as it's completed." The machine beeped as the message ended.

Deadpool and Chrysalis both turned to each other in shock. "Script?" they and all four head voices demanded together.

And Chrysalis

"This is bullshit!" Deadpool complained. "A script? How is some writer supposed to know us better than-"

"We're in a fanfic that is now rewriting an already existing game," Stuffy interrupted.

"You aren't actually suggesting we stick to the script, are you?" Deadpool demanded.

"No more than we did in the game."

"Hey Chrysi, what's that vial you've got around your neck?" Crazy asked.

Chrysalis looked up. "Oh, this?" she asked. "It's a sample of Thunder's blood. I figured I could make a clone of him that was a stallion instead of a gelding, and then I'd have a nice colt to date!"

"Well, Mr. Sinister does have cloning technology in this game," Stuffy pointed out.

"I'm not sure how to feel about using the game timeline to get Chrysi laid," Deadpool pointed out. "She's kinda young..."

"She wants to date him."

"We'll see."

Achievement Unlocked: Kowai Kawaii
Chrysalis being herself

Chrysalis promptly pulled out her gun and shot the Achievement box. "None of that," she growled.

"Not one for completionism?" Deadpool asked.

"Not one for spies!" she hissed back.

"Said the Queen of the Changelings, who excel at infiltration."

"Well, yeah," Chrysalis replied. "But those are my spies. It's other people's I don't like!"

"Makes sense to me!"

Just then, the doorbell rang.

"Someone's here to see us?" Chrysalis squealed happily, leaping onto Dogpool's back - he was full grown now - and riding him to the door. "Who is it?" she asked as she looked up through the open door. This was followed by a fwhump of someone falling to the floor. "Daddy, a kinda cute, scantily clad delivery girl just fainted from our overpowering cuteness! Wanna cop a feel while we bring in the package?"

"Tempting, but no," Deadpool replied as he took the package. "But you can go right ahead if you like."

Chrysalis grinned widely. "Dogpool, hump!"

There was a loud shriek as the delivery girl took to her heels with Dogpool chasing after her, slobbering like crazy.

Deadpool chuckled as he flipped the script open. "You crack me up, Chrysi! Now let's see...uh huh...uh huh...wait, that's different."

"What's it say?"

"On take your daughter to work day, Deadpool takes Chrysalis out to hunt down the Bad Man he's hired to capture, but complications ensue as crazy shit keeps interfering and stealing their bounty. Also, some craziness involving Mr. Sinister and all of Deadpool and Chrysi's friends, chimichangas, overpriced explosions, and adorable shenanigans," Deadpool read from the script.

Crazy gasped. "The writers do know us!"

"...what else does it say?"

"Beyond that, it's just a list of places we should go in order, people we should talk to, and 'Improvise' written across every page in big red and green letters," Deadpool replied.

Chrysalis squealed happily. "This is gonna be so much fun!"

Bouncy!

"Daddy?" Chrysalis asked curiously. "Why are we in the sewer?"

"This is the tutorial section," Deadpool explained. "This is where the player learns how to control us, what buttons to press to make us run, jump, shoot, slash, teleport...you know, all that crazy stuff."

Chrysalis tilted her head. "So...what are the buttons?"

"That depends on the console the game's playing on it and the control mapping in the case of the game being ported to PC," Deadpool explained.

"For right now, we just run around doing crazy stuff, and the programmers take care of it later," Crazy explained.

Push Square to stop breaking the four-

Chrysalis zapped the game alert with lightning before it could even finish forming.

"Good one, Chrysi!" Deadpool praised. "What fun would a game about me - or more accurately, us - be if the fourth wall stayed in one piece?"

"So this is the part where we talk to the player?" Stuffalis asked.

"Yup!" Deadpool agreed. "Yo player! Do what the text buttons say for controls!"

After both Deadpool and Chrysalis spent some time hopping around, breaking physics, and demonstrating their various weaponry - Chrysalis default weapons involved turning her forelegs into katana-like blades and a pair of machine guns she held in her magic - Chrysalis looked up at Deadpool. "Is that it, Daddy?"

"Not quite," Deadpool replied. "You've probably already noticed you aren't flying as much as normal."

"Yeah," Chrysalis pouted. "My flying got nerfed for 'game balancing', right?"

"That's right!" Deadpool agreed. "And as for your weapons-"

"I get DC points from killing things to unlock new transformations?" Chrysalis asked eagerly.

"That's right!" Deadpool praised. "You're catching on quick!"

"So what now, then?" Cray-Chry asked. "Do we get to blow stuff up?"

"In a manner of speaking," Deadpool replied. "In the game, some random goons would spawn here, but for now..."

A crate dropped from the sky. Opening it up, Deadpool quickly assembled a deflated bounce castle. "And now...we blow it up!" Taking the air pump, he rapidly inflated it.

"Bouncy!" Chrysalis cried happily, leaping into the castle and bouncing up and down.

"Bouncy!" Deadpool agreed, leaping up beside her.

"Boing."

"Boing!"

"Boing."

The pair and their head passengers bounced around on the bounce castle for a time, until Deadpool eventually leapt off. "Time to go-"

"Banana!" Chrysalis shouted happily as she continued to bounce.

Deadpool scratched his chin. "So...now what?"

"I believe this is the part where we figure out how to convince her to get off the bounce castle."

"Oh! Decision Tree time!"

Triangle - Reason
Square - Scold
Cross - Bribe

"So what will we choose?" Deadpool asked sagely. "So many possibilities..."

"Considering this is part of a game, I think this is the part where we demonstrate the complete decision trees for all three options."

"Sweet! It's Deadpool's Decision Dilemma!"

First Tree: Reason

"Chrysalis," Deadpool pointed out reasonably, "we need to get on with the game! Those bad guys aren't going to kill themselves!"

"Wahooney!" Chrysalis replied as she did a backflip on the bounce castle.

go to 2

"Do you really want to just bounce here for the entire game?" Deadpool asked.

Chrysalis scratched her chin as she bounced, then finally nodded. "Yes!"

"Can't argue with that!"

go to 3

"There's all sorts of awesome stuff ahead!" Deadpool pointed out.

"It's a video game!" Chrysalis pointed out. "It'll wait for us!"

"We don't seem to be getting through to her this way."

go to 4

"I wanna do something!" Deadpool whined.

"Then come bounce with me, Daddy!" Chrysalis called back. "It's a bounce party!"

"Not enough boobies for that."

"What are boobies?" Chrysalis asked innocently.

"I'll tell you when you're-hey, wait a minute!" Deadpool glared at Chrysalis. "Death already gave you the talk!"

Chrysalis giggled as she somersaulted.

go to 5

"...I got nothing," Deadpool said finally.

"So much for reason."

"Then this is the part...where we loop!"

go to 1

Second Tree: Scold

1 a, b, c

"I'm not going to scold Chrysalis for being a little kid!" Deadpool complained.

if a, go to 2a
if b, go to 2b
if c, go to 2c

2 a, b, c

"It would be hypocritical to scold her for doing something like this when we enjoy doing it so much, and that's one thing we aren't."

if a, go to 3a
if b, go to 3b
if c, go to 3c

3 a, b, c

"Yeah...how about no?"

if a, go to 4a
if b, go to 4b
if c, go to 4c

4 a, b, c

"...I just can't do it," Deadpool allowed finally.

if a, go to 5a
if b, go to 5b
if c, go to 5c

5 a, b

"So now we loop for a few times?"

"Sure seems that way," Deadpool replied. "If the player's stubborn about it.

if a, go to 1b
if b, go to 1c

5c.

Deadpool spun around to the screen, drawing his gun. "Look, if you tell me to scold her one more time, when it's plain I'm not going to, I'm gonna shoot you in the head! You got me, player?"

go to 6

Third Tree: Bribe

"If you get down, I'll get you ice cream!" Deadpool offered.

"Can't bounce on a full stomach!" Chrysalis countered.

go to 2

"We'll give you money?"

"We have plenty, and when we run out, you'll buy us anything if we pout cutely."

"...can't argue with that..."

go to 3

"We'll give you Deadpool points!"

"But we need Deadpool-Chrysalis points - DCP - to buy any upgrades!"

go to 4

"We'll turn on cheat codes?" Deadpool offered desperately.

"Where's the fun in that?" Chrysalis countered back. "There's no challenge!"

go to 5

"Any ideas?" Deadpool asked the voices in his head.

"I've got nothing," Stuffy replied.

"I mean, it's not like she'll tell us what we need to give her," Crazy added.

Deadpool stared at the screen for a time, and then a lightbulb appeared over his head. "Chrysi!" he called out. "What'll it take to get you off the bounce castle and going on with the game?"

"My own bouncy castle in the back yard!" she shouted back happily. "High and Bouncy enough that I can jump into it safely from the apartment window!"

"Deal!" Deadpool shouted back. "I'll bribe an engineer and threaten the landlord until you've got one!"

Chrysalis happily bounced off the bounce castle. "Then let's go, Daddy! We don't want to waste any time!"

end decision tree

Once the decision trees had been fully fleshed out, Deadpool led Chrysalis through the sewers.

"No fall damage in this game," Deadpool explained as he leapt into a pipe going straight down.

"Geronimo!" Chrysalis shouted happily.

"Look, an unsuspecting foe!" Deadpool pointed out. "Time for a stealth kill!"

"I have a better idea!" Chrysalis pointed out. Locking her eyes on him, she focused her magic. A silent beam of green lanced from her head to the mook's.

The mook rocked back for a bit, but then his eyes glowed green.

"Sue-wheat!" Crazy proclaimed. "You can puppet for stealth kills!"

"That can't be balanced."

"It actually is," Stuffalis pointed out. "In terms of the game...the stronger the enemy, the harder it is to control them like this. It doesn't work on characters with names. It gets harder to maintain control with range. And if at any time the link is broken, they automatically lock onto us and raise the alarm."

"How does control get broken?" Stuffy asked curiously.

"Taking damage while remote controlling them...failing a button input command while controlling...failing the input when first taking control...taking the mook outside control range - which can be extended in the upgrades screen. Also, they can be used to kill other enemies."

"And damage to the puppet doesn't hurt us!" Cray-Chry proclaimed.

"Awesome..." Deadpool breathed.

After a bit of platforming tutorial - which Chrysalis solved via flying, since her smaller size meant she could fly proportionately farther than Deadpool could jump - they eventually reached the top of the sewer section.

"Say Daddy?" Chrysalis asked. "This version supports multiplayer, right?"

"Right!" Deadpool agreed. "So we can teleport to each other at any time to encourage cooperative play!"

"So...could you throw me towards a ledge neither of us could normally reach, I clear the last bit of distance with my flight, and then you teleport to me?"

Deadpool stared at her for a time. "Yo programmers!" Deadpool shouted. "Get on that!" With that, he blew up the bathroom in the building above.

As they stepped out of the wreckage, Chrysalis grinned widely. "Hoo-wee! That was a one-a spicy meat-a-ball!"

Several mook guards began charging them.

Wanting his own cool line, Deadpool scooped Chrysalis up in his hands and pointed her horn at the approaching guards. "Stay back!" he proclaimed. "I've got a Changeling filly and I'm not afraid to use her!"

"Oh yes, Daddy!" Chrysalis shouted. "Use me like you mean it!"

The guards promptly ran in the other direction, most screaming in terror, and one screaming about 'child services'.

Deadpool hugged Chrysalis tightly. "I love you so much!" he proclaimed happily.

Rampage!

Deadpool and Chrysalis charged into the office building they'd broken into. Several armed mooks began charging towards them again, and the pair began ripping them apart with a mixture of blades and bullets. After a time, Chrysalis spoke up. "So Daddy, what are we actually doing here?"

"You hear that guy giving orders over the loudspeaker that the Author isn't bothering to transcribe?" Deadpool asked. "We're here to get him!"

"Why not just blow up the whole building, then?" Chrysalis asked.

"Because we need to take him alive," Deadpool pointed out.

"Not...because you don't have enough explosives?" one of the mooks asked.

"Nope!" Deadpool replied, grinning widely.

The mooks ran away again. One of them shouted at the angry voice on the loudspeaker, "You aren't paying us enough for this!"

"Did...did you just get a diplomacy victory?" Stuffy asked in shock.

"Get back here!" Crazy shouted angrily. "We weren't done killing you yet!"

As they got to the elevators, however, they were shut down.

"Welp, now we have to power them back on-" Deadpool paused as he stared at Chrysalis scrabbling at the wall. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to walk up the wall!" she pouted. "But I can't!"

"That ability has been disabled so the two player characters can be balanced, much like our normal infinite flight," Stuffalis pointed out.

"Screw balancing! Let's blow this place sky high!" Cray-Chry complained.

Chrysalis sat back on her haunches and pouted.

Deadpool chuckled. "Sometimes, you are just too cute!" he squeed, pinching her cheeks.

"We get to turn power off to the entire building now," Stuffy pointed out.

Chrysalis squealed happily. "Time for lights out!"

The duo made their way to the maintenance area, alternately slaughtering and mentally scarring the mooks they encountered along the way. When they reached the power switch, however, an unexpected hurdle occurred.

There were two of them. And only one switch.

"I wanna throw it!" Chrysalis complained.

"I wanna throw it!" Deadpool complained back.

"I wanna!"

The pair began pushing each other back and forth angrily, each trying to claim control of the switch.

"Why is this even so important?" Stuffy demanded.

"Duh!" Cray-Chry pointed out. "Whoever pulls the switch is going to get mondo bonus points for the level!"

"And it's going to be us!" Crazy pointed out.

"Ugh!" Stuffalis complained. "Why not just call up High Moon and insist they program another switch that has to be pressed simultaneously?"

Deadpool and Chrysalis both froze. "Good idea!" Deadpool said, stepping back from the controls and reaching for his phone.

"Now!"

Chrysalis leapt forward and threw the switch.

As the lights went down, Deadpool stared at Chrysalis. "You tricked me!" he proclaimed. "...I'm so proud!"

Chrysalis grinned. As the lights went down, her eyes and teeth glowed in the dark, giving a Cheshire impression.

"That is so awesome!" Crazy said as the emergency lights came on.

"I know, right?"

As they headed out of maintenance, a group of mooks blocked their path.

"Okay, Chrysi!" Deadpool proclaimed. "Now it's your turn to try a Momentum attack!"

"Momentum?" she asked, confused.

"Yeah, that orange bar on the left side of your screen's HUD," Deadpool explained.

"But I don't have one of those," Chrysalis pointed out.

"Eh?"

"I have a green bar labeled magic."

As his eyes widened in excitement, Deadpool leapt behind a nearby piece of equipment. "Unleash the magics!" he proclaimed, peeking out to watch.

Closing her eyes, Chrysalis focused, and an arc of lightning lashed out before her, incinerating the mooks as it did more damage than their full health.

"So...awesome!" Deadpool squealed.

"So...I build up magic by doing a better job beating people up?" Chrysalis asked curiously. "How does that work?"

"Our magic is based in Daddy's love," Stuffalis explained. "Epic battle maneuvers result in surges of admiration and pride from Daddy, which we're able to absorb to power magical super attacks once we have enough stored up."

"...that actually works?"

"Of course not. But it's close enough to an explanation that the game programmers can use it to have the game make sense."

"Alternatively, all the enemies could be secret masochists, and they love it when you beat the crap out of them," Crazy offered.

"How does that even make sense?" Stuffy demanded.

"Why else would they be constantly charging into certain brutal and painful death by fighting us?"

Everyone was silent for a time.

"...I feel icky," Chrysalis said at long last.

"Let's pretend Stuffalis' explanation is the real one," Deadpool offered.

"Agreed."

"Also, you get more Magic moves by upgrading your transformation capacity," Stuffalis added.

As more mooks came, Chrysalis learned that her best method of dealing with enemies that blocked was to go for the legs or...other lower down targets.

"Ooh..." Deadpool winced sympathetically as Chrysalis withdrew one of her blade-arms. "Right in the mommy-daddy button..."

After fighting their way through several more groups of mooks, Deadpool and Chrysalis got into an open elevator. As the doors closed, Chrysalis looked up at Deadpool. "I'm...kinda hungry."

Smiling, Deadpool scooped her up and began petting her tummy, letting his love flow freely into her. As the elevator moved, an appropriate song began to play. "You are my sunshine," Deadpool sang along, "my only sunshine...you make me happy...when skies are gray...you'll always know dear, how much I love you...so please don't take-"

The lights in the elevator went off as the music stopped.

"Who stole the sunshine!" Chrysalis demanded angrily.

"Get us out!" Cray-Chry shouted. "I'm lobster-phobic!"

"You mean...claustrophobic?"

"No! I'm scared of the lobsters that appear in dark, enclosed spaces and try to pinch your bottom with their pincers!"

"And I thought you were crazy," Stuffy commented dryly.

"Don't worry Cray-Chry! I'll protect you from the wicked, perverted lobsters!"

Chuckling, Deadpool shot out the glass exterior of the elevator, letting the pair leap out onto the platforms outside.

Author's Note

I'm watching a walkthrough playlist as I write this story for background details.

Three chapters in, and I'm not even at a full half hour of gameplay.

Fun!

The pair made their way slowly up the outside of the building. As they went to the triangle jumping segment, Chrysalis felt she needed to raise a question. "So...I can't fly as far as I can normally because of game balancing."

"That's right," Deadpool agreed.

"Except...instead of wall jumping like you do, I get extra flying height."

"That's also right."

"So how come we can't triangle jump height fly all the time?" Cray-Chry demanded. "Science Chrysi! Explain?"

Stuffalis was silent for a moment. "Only if you stop referencing Moonstuck."

"But Woona is adorable!" Cray-Chry and Crazy said together.

Stuffalis groaned in frustration. "They added air vents to all the jump slots," she pointed out. "We're riding them to take the weight off our wings."

Chrysalis looked down, finally noticing the current of air that carried her up exactly the height of the jump shaft. "Oh. Neat."

When it came time to get back into the building, Chrysalis cast a pool of green fire onto the elevator doors and walked through it while Deadpool forced the doors open.

"We could probably use that spell to attack enemies through walls!" Cray-Chry pointed out eagerly.

"Only if the player buys the upgrade," Stuffalis countered. "It's one of our mine type spell weapons."

Their path eventually took them back outside the building. "Question!" Chrysalis spoke up again.

"Answer!" Deadpool replied readily.

"How come there's ammo pickups scattered around for weapons we couldn't possibly have enough points to buy yet?" she asked. "Is there a new game plus mode?"

"Ooh, need to tell High Moon to add that!" Deadpool cackled.

When they reached the roof, Chrysalis demonstrated her close range stealth kill. Sneaking up behind the guard, she leaned in and whispered, "Boo!" right in his ear. As he spun, she ripped his throat out with her teeth. "Snack time!" she said happily as she swallowed the torn chunk of flesh as the guard collapsed.

"That is too adorable," Deadpool pointed out.

Not long after, Chrysalis used her points to unlock her first bomb weapon spell. Lobbing a small sphere of fire in a forward parabolic arc, it rolled along the ground, drawing attention before it exploded.

"Aside from the usual number of castings and money for kills upgrades, that one can also be upgraded for size of explosion and shininess," Stuffalis explained.

"So...shiny!" Crazy drooled.

"Wade, please tell this idiot not to suggest trying to pick up the armed explosive spell," Stuffy pleaded.

"So...shiny!" Deadpool drooled.

There was a resounding smack as Stuffy and Stuffalis facepalmed and facehooved respectively.

As they continued onward, Deadpool decided to raise a question he had. "So...other than being so cute, how'd they rebalance you to make it interesting to play you?" he asked. "I mean, sure, cuteness and the different attack types might be enough...but some players will want some more variety."

"Hang on, I've got the character specs here somewhere..." Stuffalis flipped a few papers. "Let's see...the changes to base stats for us relative to you...lower health, less time without taking damage before regeneration kicks in...shorter combat teleport range, more teleports before we have to recharge...higher speed and evasion, lower attack and defense...more upgrades available, which cost less, averaging out to needing the same amount to max all abilities and stats...and max stats have the same relative balance against your max stats."

"Sounds like someone actually put thought into that," Stuffy pointed out.

"Yeah. All of five seconds."

At that point, a helicopter began attacking them.

"Time to try the co-op maneuver?" Chrysalis begged.

Grinning, Deadpool picked Chrysalis up, jumped as high and as far as he could, added a teleport jump, and then threw her at the chopper. Chrysalis buzzed her wings as hard as she could, clearing the last distance to land hoof-blade first through the neck of the gunman who had been shooting them from the chopper.

Deadpool immediately teleported to her side. "That was awesome!" he shouted happily.

"Now we have Quick Time Events!" Crazy agreed eagerly.

"Can I fly the chopper, Daddy?" Chrysalis begged.

Grinning, Deadpool grabbed the minigun. "Go nuts!"

"Whee!" Chrysalis shouted happily, hurling the pilot out the window. "Ooh! So many buttons!"

"Something tells me we're going to regret this..."

One massive kill streak and fiery explosion of choppers colliding with each other and a building later, Deadpool and Chrysalis shook themselves off as they stood up in the penthouse. "Almost there!" Deadpool said happily.

"When we're done, can we get ice cream?" Chrysalis asked.

Deadpool pulled out his phone. "Yo, Yoggy! Make sure High Moon gives Chrysalis end-of-level ice cream-" There was unearthly muttering from the other end of the line. "Oh, you already got that for both of us?" More muttering. "Hand fed to us by nubile young maidens?" More muttering. "Green skinned alien nubile young maidens? Yoggy, if you had lips, I could kiss you right now!"

Chrysalis bounced happily back and forth as Deadpool hung up the phone. "Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice creeeeaaam!!!"

"We should probably remind the player to buy some upgrades with all those points from the slaughter outside," Stuffy pointed out.

"Let's see..." Stuffalis began. "Our next shaped weapon is...body spines? Low damage, high speed?"

Grinning, Chrysalis focused her powers. Small spikes erupted all over her body. Quick swipes of legs would tear at enemy flesh, with a combo finisher of rolling into a ball and spinning.

"Sonic eat your heart out!" Deadpool laughed.

"And deprive Chrysi of a treat?" Crazy whined.

As they continued onward, the big wig they were after spoke over the intercom. "You can't get me!" he growled. "My panic room is Deadpool proof!"

"I'd like to test that," Deadpool countered.

"Umm..." Chrysalis began. "His security cameras did show me walking through walls earlier, didn't they?"

"...crap..." the voice over the loud speakers whimpered.

Not long after that, a rather large enemy leaped in through the window, carrying a massive rocket launcher.

"Time for a new player upgrade!" Chrysalis said happily, racing forward.

"Chrysi, watch out!" Deadpool yelled out as the behemoth leveled the weapon at her.

Before the foe could pull the trigger, Chrysalis' magic surrounded the weapon, yanking it from his hands. "Disarming, isn't it?" she asked, sending a rocket straight into her foe's mouth.

"...what?" Deadpool asked in shock.

"Weapon struggle," Stuffy explained. "When fighting a foe that will drop its weapon for us to pick up when killed, Chrysalis can use her magic to attempt to take the weapon before killing him, and then kill him with the weapon."

Deadpool began clapping. "Nice! Say, there's gonna be another of these guys soon. Can I use that one until he shows up?"

Grinning, Chrysalis passed The Solution over to Deadpool.

"Suh-weet!" Deadpool proclaimed eagerly.

One massive rampage later, the pair approached the panic room. "So...how much C4 is this going to take?" Deadpool wondered.

"Wrong question," Chrysalis replied. "The correct question is, how much C4 can we attach to the door for the biggest explosion?"

"Chrysi, I love you!" Deadpool cried happily as he covered the door in C4.

After beating their target up for a bit, they crashed through the window, falling down into the sewers where they landed safely on the bounce castle.

"That was fun!"

"Do it again! Do it again!"

"Hey look, our ice cream!" Chrysalis called, pointing.

Turning, Deadpool saw, as promised, two green skinned, alien, nubile young maidens approaching them with ice cream sundaes. However, they weren't entirely what he expected. He pulled out his phone. "Say, Yoggy...about the ice cream maidens...where did you hire- ...oh, they're your daughters? Volunteered for this to meet us?" After a time, Deadpool hung up. "...well, that explains a lot," he murmured as a slithery green tentacle lifted a spoon of ice cream to his lips.

Pursuit

While Deadpool and Chrysalis enjoyed their ice cream - Chrysalis a bit more than Deadpool, since she saw nothing strange about the appearance of the nubile Cthulic maidens, and they were busy fangirling over her, giving the ice cream an extra sweet taste of fan love - two human (or at least humanoid, given their outfits they were probably mutants) females Chrysalis didn't recognize absconded with the guy they'd captured.

"Welp!" Deadpool said eagerly as the Cthulic maidens left. "Time for the chase!"

"Daddy! I unlocked something new in the upgrades!" Chrysalis said eagerly.

"It's something called...combination attacks," Stuffalis explained. "Each of us has three primary weapon types, and we can do combined Momentum/Magic attacks based on which we have equipped."

"This is gonna be awesome~!" Crazy sung out.

A line of mooks dropped from the ceiling. "As part of the tutorial, we're going to demonstrate the combination move for katanas and sword arms," Stuffalis explained as Chrysalis switched her equipped morph. "Equip your katanas and approach us. If we both have enough built up energy, a special combination command prompt will appear on screen. If both players push it, the combination will be utilized."

Grinning, Deadpool equipped the katanas, approached Chrysalis, then picked her up in one hand. She stretched her body out with the blades held together and pointed forward. Deadpool pulled back and hurled her like a javelin. Green and red energy surrounded her blades as she flew forward, driving through the entire line of enemies before rolling to a halt.

"Sweet~!" Deadpool cried happily.

"The distance she goes is determined by how much energy we both choose to expend unleashing the attack. It takes between 1 and 3 Momentum/Magic bars for each of us."

"So how do they all work?" Deadpool asked. "I know the physics are simplified for the games, so explain."

"We use our weapon form for whatever weapon is equipped. If you're equipped with katanas, you throw us. Sais, you pick us up and swing us around for high damage and increased reach. Hammers, golf swing."

At the last one, Deadpool's face went from gleeful to worried. "Golf swing? You mean...I hit you with the hammer like I'm hitting a golf ball?"

"Don't worry!" Cray-Chry chimed in. "This game doesn't use friendly fire! We can't hurt each other if we tried!"

"Oh!" Chrysalis squealed eagerly. "Unlock the hammers soon, Daddy! I wanna try golf swing with the body spikes!"

Deadpool had a sudden image of him pulling his hammer back over his shoulder, Chrysalis curled up in a ball at his feet as he shouted 'Fore!' before sending her flying forward to ricochet around a huge group of enemies... "Unlocking hammers is next priority!"

"Yay!" Chrysalis cheered.

As they progressed forward, the camera angle and perspective changed. "Aw, I love old 8 bit games!" Crazy cried happily.

Chrysalis bounced happily. "Time to dance death!" she cried, bringing her arm blades out.

"This feels familiar," Deadpool pointed out.

When the skeletons rose up, Chrysalis spun around in a circle as she dashed into them, squealing happily.

"Sweet Hurricane Spin!" Deadpool called happily. Seeing her blades glowing green, he asked, "New Magic attack?"

"Yup!" Chrysalis called happily. When the chest was opened and dozens of happily cheering sprites floated around, Chrysalis leapt up to start eating them out of the air.

Before long, the perspective and graphics returned to normal. "Wait...didn't I need to make a phone call?" Deadpool asked.

"Yog probably took care of it," Stuffy pointed out.

"Sweet!"

As they stepped into the next hall, a woman stood in the distance, gathering energy to her hand. "Go!" she called to someone. "I'll hold them off!"

"Arclight?" Deadpool asked in shock as she wrecked the tunnel. "Are we using the same cast again? I could have sworn I killed them all last time around!"

"It is a remake," Stuffy pointed out.

"Well this is going to be dull-"

"I wonder how she tastes?" Chrysalis asked, licking her lips.

"Suddenly less dull," Crazy added.

After a few more mooks and a detour caused by Arclight collapsing the tunnel again, the pair faced off against a massive humanoid made of green crystal. As he charged, Chrysalis' eyes lit up. Curling into a ball, she changed to body spikes and began spinning. "Throw me! Throw me!"

Grinning, Deadpool picked her up and threw her. She smashed into the green crystal behemoth and dug away at his crystaline flesh until he fell over, torn to shreds. "I love these combination attacks!" Deadpool shouted happily.

Not long after, Arclight collapsed a platform under them, glaring down at them from above. "Hey, Arclight!" Deadpool called out. "Looking good, babe!"

He then proceeded to taunt her by pretending to do a terrible job flattering her. As she got angrier and angrier, Chrysalis climbed the wall behind her. Once she was in position, she shouted, "SNACK TIME!" and tackled Arclight into the pit, biting her neck as they fell.

"What?" Arclight demanded as she struggled to break free of Chrysalis' grip. "You dare!" She started charging her energy.

"Chrysi!" Deadpool called out. "Body spikes, now!"

Chrysalis immediately switched to body spikes, which impaled Arclight all over as they extended. The gathered energy discharged into the platform, making it shatter and drop the three of them down the shaft.

When Deadpool came to, Arclight was impaled on a pipe, one of the Cthulic maidens was pulling him off the pipes he was impaled on, and the other was giving Chrysalis a bath. "Wow," Deadpool murmured. "Yoggy sure knows how to negotiate."

Shortly thereafter, the pair was confronted by Vertigo. Chrysalis held still for a time while under the influence of Vertigo's powers, and then her horn glowed. Vertigo's powers ceased to effect either of them as their heads became surrounded by her green magical aura.

"What'd you do?" Deadpool asked.

"My magic specializes in mental manipulation," Chrysalis pointed out. "She's a low level amateur at best. "Easy to counteract."

"Ooh! Burn!"

After clearing that segment, the pair continued on ahead, fighting more mooks, some with new abilities. "So Chrysi," Deadpool asked, "how did Arclight taste, anyway?"

"Sub par," Chrysalis replied.

"She's good at the burns..."

Author's Note

Combination attacks inspired by comments.

...Logic!

After fighting their way through an elevator segment, they approached a narrow bridge. "You know," Deadpool pointed out, "in the original game, this is where Vertigo used her powers to make me dizzy and push me over the side into a water slide segment."

"But I made us immune!" Chrysalis pointed out.

"Dang..." Crazy complained. "That slide section was fun."

At the other end of the narrow pipe bridge was a sign. It read Deadpool and Chrysalis Cheer Squad that way. Not Cthulic. There was an arrow pointing down off the side of the bridge.

"Cheer squad?" Chrysalis asked, surprised.

"Cheer squad!" Deadpool proclaimed eagerly.

"Energetic young ladies eager to shower us with affection?" Cray-Chry squealed.

"A whole group of buxom young ladies eager to see us?" Crazy added.

"...an obvious trap?" Stuffy offered.

"A shoehorned train?" Stuffalis suggested in a seeming non-sequitur.

"Geronimo!" Deadpool and Chrysalis screamed together as they leapt over the side.

Once in the water below, the two went into separate pipes to slide down while collecting points. Deadpool slid on his back, while Chrysalis called a wooden board to slide on. The pipes met at the bottom in a large walled in area where awaiting them was the promised...wooden cutout of a cheer squad.

"What?" Deadpool demanded.

"That's not what we were promised!" Chrysalis complained.

"By an obvious trap sign," Stuffy added.

"In Vertigo's handwriting, no less," Stuffalis added.

"Why didn't you mention that before?" Crazy demanded.

"...Father? Shall we demonstrate how that conversation would have gone?"

"Indeed." Stuffy cleared his throat, and then began pitching his voice to imitate Crazy. "What? Why would Vertigo direct us to the cheer squad?"

"Because it's an obvious trap meant to shoehorn us into the tracks of the original game path?" Stuffalis offered.

"Nah, they'd never do that! Obviously Vertigo felt bad about how things went last time and arranged a cheer squad for us! I mean, it'd be easy to find a half dozen young girls happy to fuss over Chrysi!"

"And the fact that it's an obvious trap meant to delay and distract us?"

"We cannot dissapoint the hypothetical cheer squad! Could we live with ourselves if we moved on without giving them a chance to shower us with love, affection, and massages?"

"Massages!" Deadpool shouted eagerly, lunging at the wooden cutouts and crashing through them. "...that massage hurt..."

"...I rest my case," Stuffalis concluded.

"Wow. Is that really what I sound like?" Crazy asked.

"Yes!" Stuffy replied. "You have no idea how annoying it is."

"Cool!"

Stuffy groaned in frustration.

"Umm...I think we just missed something important," Chrysalis pointed out, pointing out a nearby grating to where Blockbuster - on Mr. ~~Sinister~~Clone Face's orders - had just killed their target.

"They stole our contract money!" Chrysalis complained, yanking her guns out. "...dammit! Not enough to unlock the plasma gun yet!"

"Then we'll go without!" Deadpool cried, charging out at ~~Sinister~~Clone Face.

After Deadpool's body was exploded exactly like it was in the original game, Chrysalis briefly checked to make sure he was still alive, then turned to ~~Sinister~~Clone Face. "Can you teach me to do that?"

Mr. ~~Sinister~~Clone Face stared down at her. "You aren't terrified? Or enraged?"

"Why should I be?" she asked. "Daddy's still alive, and my agent's a Cthulic monstrosity whose daughters will be here any minute with ice cream. If you try pulling that with me, they'll have your original brain for lunch, Mr. Clone Face."

"Mr. Clone Face!" Deadpool laughed despite being just a head. "Guess what? As far as this story's concerned, that's your official name now! ...no idea what she means by it, but totally awesome anyway!"

Mr. Clone Face groaned. "Are you going to try and stop me?" he demanded.

"Not here!" Chrysalis replied. "I don't have enough points yet to unlock the best stuff, and the script says Uncle Fuzzy's gonna show up soon! Maybe this time I'll get to fly the Blackbird!"

Mr. Clone Face stared at her for a time, then called down a rope. "Come, Blockbuster," he ordered. "Genosha awaits."

"But you didn't teach me how to explode people with my mind yet!" Chrysalis wailed as he went up. Glaring up at him, she shouted, "I'm gonna eat your face!"

Not long after, Uncle Fuzzy arrived with Psylocke, Domino, and Rogue. "Uncle Fuzzy!" Chrysalis called happily, leaping into his arms. "You brought friends?"

Uncle Fuzzy groaned as the X-Girls snickered. "Good to see you too, Chrysi. Now, where's Deadpool?"

"Still pulling himself together," she replied. "Can we load him into a cargo compartment so I get to fly the Blackbird this time?"

"But I want Daddy to see us flying!" Cray-Chry complained.

"Good point, Daddy needs to see it happen," Chrysalis pointed out. "So do I get to fly it?"

"If only so I can refuse Deadpool by saying I already promised you the controls," Uncle Fuzzy replied quickly.

"Backstabbers!" Deadpool screamed as he leapt to his feet. "Oh, hell~o ladies!"

Deadpool's attempt at flirting, however, was screwed over as all of the X-Girls immediately began fawning over Chrysalis and showering her with pets, kisses, cuddles, and affection.

Deadpool slumped over against the wall. "It's just not my day..."

Uncle Fuzzy came over and patted his shoulder. "I'm still here for you, bro."

Deadpool sighed. "That's good...I just wish you had nice boobies..."

"I've read that fanfic!"

"By the way, the bad guy's called Mr. Clone Face now!" Chrysalis told the X-Men happily, startling more laughs.

Chrysalis' flying was, if anything, worse than Deadpool's. This was probably because she lacked even Deadpool's grasp of basic physics, and her magic was currently strong enough that channeling it into the Blackbird meant that it functioned based on her idea of how it should work rather than physics. As a result, they wound up taking several brief side trips on their way to Genosha. These brief stopovers included such interesting locations as The Ghost Zone, the inside of a giant Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man, Atlantica, and even buzzed a Wizzard falling into space off the edge of a world carried by a giant turtle.

Eventually, they crashed into Genosha.

"...Again!" Deadpool called eagerly.

"Everyone's still alive but unconscious," Chrysalis pointed out as she levitated them to safety.

"Oh! Does that mean this is where we repeatedly slap Uncle Fuzzy to get him to wake up?" Crazy asked.

"And where we playfully nom on one of the X-Girl's titties until she wakes up and claim we just wanted some milk?"

"They slipped that past the censors?" Deadpool asked, shocked.

"No."

On Schedule

After fighting their way through a few more waves of enemies and exploring parts of Genosha, Deadpool and Chrysalis were startled as a beam of blue light shot down from the sky to solidify into Cable.

"Cable!" Chrysalis screamed happily, rushing up to glomp him. "Did you bring me any presents?"

Cable chuckled, hugging her with his non-cybernetic arm. "Not this time, Chrysalis. I'm here on a mission."

"Oh!" Deadpool squealed happily. "Are you here to help us cause chaos, mayhem, and destruction in the name of stopping Mr. Clone Face's cloning schemes of cloning?"

"...more or less," Cable replied. "How did you know?"

"This is my second trip," Deadpool replied.

"Can we make big boom booms?" Chrysalis asked eagerly.

"Indeed we can," Cable agreed.

"So is this the part where you trick us into thinking an incredibly large breasted naked fangirl is waiting for us at the north end of the city?" Stuffy asked dryly.

"After boring us senseless to the point we shoot ourselves in the head to make it stop?" Crazy asked.

"Actually, I figured we'd skip that part and go straight to massacring our way there together," Cable replied.

Deadpool's eyes widened. "Is it my birthday already?"

"No. A Mr. Yog-Soggoth altered my script," Cable replied.

"Thank you Yoggy!" Chrysalis called out happily as they all drew their weapons.

As the trio made their way forward and upward, they encountered a flying opponent that used lightning and rain based attacks. "That's new!" Chrysalis said happily. "Daddy, combo attack!" She brought out her arm blades.

Grinning, Deadpool picked her up and hurled her like a javelin. While the enemy dodged, Chrysalis then buzzed her wings and latched onto him with body spikes. She then began to chew her way through his neck while going, "Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom..."

Deadpool squealed and sang along, pulling out a chimichanga to eat. "Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom..."

Seeing the expectant looks directed his way, Cable rolled his eyes and sighed. "Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.."

"Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom!" Cray-Chry finished.

Pretty soon, all the voices were singing along as they continued onward.

"Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom!" Cable finished the song in his monotone deadpan, causing the others to burst into laughter.

Before long, the trio reached the north side of the city...and much to their surprise, a rather busty, naked woman stood waiting, bouncing and waving.

"...I'm not the only one seeing that, right?" Deadpool begged.

"Nope!" Crazy piped up.

"Nope," Stuffy agreed.

"I see her," Chrysalis mentioned.

"Me too!" Cray-Chry called out happily.

"Far too much of her," Stuffalis pointed out.

"I see her too," Cable replied slowly.

"Cable sees her too?" Crazy called out eagerly. "She must be real!"

The woman began running forward. "I'm your biggest fan!" she called out, her breasts bouncing pleasantly.

Grinning widely and eagerly, Deadpool spread his arms, eager to embrace her as music began to rise in an almost religious - or possibly orgasmic - crescendo.

"Chrysalis!" the woman finished, scooping the shocked Changeling up into her arms and snuggle her into her cleavage.

A rather loud record scratch could be heard as the music stopped. "...not fair..." Deadpool pouted.

Cable patted Deadpool comfortingly on the arm. "Don't feel too bad," he offered. "Chrysalis is just that adorable."

"But then why is she naked?" Deadpool demanded.

"Because I'm a nudist," the woman replied. "Besides, I thought Chrysi might want to nurse."

"Yay!" Chrysalis cried happily, latching onto a nipple and suckling away.

"...so not fair..." Deadpool added.

After the fangirl left, Chrysalis turned to Deadpool. "Are you alright, Daddy?"

"I'm okay, munchling," he replied, rubbing her head. "Just a little down."

"Would blowing up that tower help?" Chrysalis asked, pointing.

"It's not a mission objective," Cable pointed out.

"Wanton unnecessary destruction?" Deadpool asked, cheering up immediately. "Count me in!"

Once the trio had slaughtered their way through the defenses around the security tower - along with all the enemies that were drawn by the fight - Cable turned to the other two. "I need to get back to the future and double check the script at this point," he explained. "Wait here till I get back." With that, he warped away.

"But we haven't blown up the tower yet!" Chrysalis complained.

"Then lets do so!" Deadpool proclaimed happily. "And kill Mr. Clone Face while we're at it!"

Entering the tower, they began to play around with the machinery...accidentally triggering a massive magnetic distortion around the tower.

"But we were gonna win a billion dollars!" Chrysalis complained, referring to the spinner that was probably only in the pair's shared insanity.

"We'll just have to try again!" Deadpool shouted. "Lets climb!"

Climbing up, Deadpool attempted to stop the next wheel with a punch. This resulted in a cow flying by on the magnetism. Deadpool and Chrysalis stared at it for a time.

"This is our second time through, and I still don't understand how that cow is flying like that," Stuffy pointed out. "Cows aren't magnetic."

Deadpool tried to open the next one, but a large piece of debris flew towards them...which Chrysalis redirected. "Billion dollars!" she insisted, flipping the spinner open and spinning it.

As it spun, the spinner landed on 'Cream filling'.

Deadpool stared at it. "That's not appropriate," he said finally.

"What's not?" Chrysalis asked.

At that moment, a Twinkie truck smashed into the tower.

"...oh..." Deadpool allowed as the area became covered in white cream from the explosion as he hung from a floating platform, Chrysalis on top of it. "That cream filling."

Reaching the top, Deadpool and Chrysalis found Mr. Clone Face strapped into the machine. "You fools," he growled. "Nothing you do here will stop my master plan-"

"Music game time!" Deadpool shouted, rushing up to the controls.

"Dance pad!" Chrysalis shouted, leaping onto a different control panel.

After a rather amusing minigame involving music and dance cues where both Deadpool and Chrysalis broke into break dancing for no reason beyond they felt like it, the tower collapsed.

When they dug themselves out, hauling the corpse of Clone-Face with them, they found a note from Cable.

Wade, Chrysalis,

That was a clone. The real Clone-Face is in Magneto's old citadel. I bet you can't kick his ass.
Cable

"Oh no he didn't!" Deadpool screamed. "I am so killing Clone-Face and proving Cable wrong!"

PS. I left a build bot to make you the flying vehicle from before if you bring it the parts. It responds to 'Click-Clack'.

"Click-Clack?" Deadpool asked, surprised.

"Paddywack!" a robotic voice replied, waving at them and looking - and sounding - not unlike the CL4P-TP robots from Borderlands.

"Get a robot dude?" Chrysalis asked.

"This old bot will get us sued," Deadpool finished.

Das Boot!

"So...we're going to go salvage Sentinel parts?" Chrysalis asked.

"Yup!" Deadpool agreed.

"And...there's two of them?"

"Yup!"

"So...wouldn't this be the perfect situation for competitive play by having us each go after a different one?"

Deadpool thought about that for a time. "Well...it would be...if I could bear being apart from you that long without going crazy with worry about you."

Smiling widely, Chrysalis hugged Deadpool tightly, and the pair then went off after the first Sentinel part.

Partway to the first Sentinel part, Deadpool grinned widely. "Hey Chrys, check your points!" Waving his hands, he pulled out his double sledgehammers. "Look what I just unlocked!"

Grinning, Chrysalis held out her forelegs. Her hooves then grew wider, with hollow bases. "What kind of weapon is this?" she asked in confusion.

"Punch someone and find out!" Crazy suggested.

Shrugging, Chrysalis punched the first cloned mook to approach. A small explosion erupted from her hoof, blasting a chunk off the mook and sending the rest of him flying.

"Bomb hooves," Stuffalis explained. "Every physical strike releases a shaped charge, pointed in the direction of the hoof. Penetrates shields."

"Oh! I wanna see how this works!" Deadpool said eagerly. Stepping behind Chrysalis, he triggered the combination attack. Swinging one hammer up over his shoulder, he shouted, "Fore!" before bringing the hammer down and sending Chrysalis flying into the air.

Chrysalis flipped end over end until she came to a halt over the enemies, pointing all four hooves down. A massive sphere of explosive energy launched down, blasting the mooks to smithereens and damaging the scenery a bit.

"Destruction Rains from the Heavens," Stuffalis stated.

"Huh?" Cray-Chry asked.

"Each combination attack has a name. This one is called Destruction Rains from the Heavens."

"Again!" Deadpool and Chrysalis called out excitedly.

"Wait, how do you know all this about how the gameplay works when we don't?" Stuffy demanded.

"Because I'm reading the manual, Father," Stuffalis replied.

"Manual? Heresy!" Deadpool proclaimed. "...let me see that combination attack list."

Deadpool and Chrysalis looked over the list.

Katana + Blade = Javelin Through!
Katana + Body Spikes = Here! Catch!
Katana + Bomb Hoof = Bombs Away!
Sai + Blade = Swing Better Batter!
Sai + Body Spikes = Stick it to You!
Sai + Bomb Hoof = This is my Boom Chrys!

"Oh I love that last one!" Crazy piped up.

Hammer + Blade = Chrysi Missile!
Hammer + Body Spikes = Pinball Wizard!
Hammer + Bomb Hoof = Destruction Rains from the Heavens

"How come the last one doesn't have an exclamation point?" Cray-Chry asked.

"Because it's too awesome for it," Deadpool replied. "...I wanna see this Pinball Wizard! one. Says it works best on large groups of weak enemies without shields."

"I'll save up my Magic!" Chrysalis replied happily. "I only get one set of Magic bars across all my weapons."

Shortly after acquiring the first Sentinel part, an opportunity presented itself. Grinning, Chrysalis prepared her body spikes and went into a spin.

"Chimichanga!" Deadpool shouted as he struck her like a golf ball.

She shot off, ricocheting between the mooks and tearing them apart as she bounced, looking not unlike a deadly game of pinball. After the bouncing ended, a message appeared over her head reading, "High Score 5!"

"The game keeps a record of how many points we earn using that combination attack," Stuffalis explained. "We get a level end bonus if we top the charts."

"We're gonna make it there soon!" Deadpool promised.

When they reached the Sentinel boot again, they held out the part. "Yo Claptrap!" Deadpool called. "Got the first part."

"Wonderful!" Claptrap replied in a high pitched voice. "The ultimate weapon for my revenge against Handsome Jack will be complete! Oh, and you'll be able to go flying in a giant shoe!"

Chrysalis stared at the robot. "Is it okay I have no idea what he's talking about?"

"Probably better if you don't question it," Deadpool agreed.

"Next part is...to the North!" Claptrap proclaimed, pointing the way they'd just come.

"...that's South," Chrysalis corrected.

"I knew that!" Claptrap proclaimed, turning around to point the other way. "I was just...testing you! It's not like the one who designed my internal compass was named Hibiki or anything."

Deadpool's eyes widened. "Chrys...when we're finished with this game remake, we're heading to China. There's something I want to see if I can find."

"Okay!" Chrysalis agreed happily.

As they headed for the second Sentinel Part, Deadpool looked over the manual. "Hey, Chrys...we've only seen your first solo Magic attack. What do the others look like?"

Chrysalis paused. "Well...I've only unlocked the second..."

"Show us! Show us!"

Grinning, Chrysalis leaned forward. A bolt of green lightning lashed forward from her horn, incinerating all enemies in a straight line ahead of her in line of sight.

"How come she gets all the really cool stuff?" Stuffy asked.

"So...awesome!" Deadpool marveled.

After a time, they brought the second Sentinel part back to Claptrap. "Here ya go!" Deadpool said happily, tossing the robot the part.

"Huzzah!" Claptrap replied as he installed the part. "Soon, the CL4P-TP production line will rise again, or my name isn't Fragtrap!"

Chrysalis blinked. "But...it's not."

"It was once, and it shall be again!" Claptrap proclaimed. "Now have fun on your wondrous adventure through the skies involving massive gunfights, blackjack, hookers, and surely not a massive fiery ball of death at the end!"

"Up, up, and away!" Deadpool proclaimed, picking Chrysalis up and leaping into the boot.

"Wrong franchise, buddy," Stuffy pointed out as the boot launched.

The boot propelled them across the island in several leaps. At the end of each leap, Chrysalis and Deadpool used the mounted cannons to blast away at the mooks that tried to shoot at them. During the leaps, they had fun being silly.

During one particular leap, Deadpool lay back in an actual hot tub with a blow up doll and the imaginary fan girl from the original storyline. To his surprise, however, Chrysalis was attempting to snuggle up to a pony stallion with a yellow coat, orange and yellow mane and tail, green eyes, and wearing a vest and cowboy hat. "Hey baby," Chrysalis purred seductively. "What's your sign?"

The stallion whinnied in fear. "Exit!" he cried. "Stage left!" He promptly leapt out of the boot-tub.

Chrysalis face contorted in rage. "YOGGY!" she shouted.

At that moment, the boot slammed into Rogue in an epic explosion, leaving the three of them hanging from it as it sat upside down in the roof of a building.

The Ultimate Cliffhanger

"Being upside down is fun!" Crazy proclaimed happily.

"Deadpool!" Rogue snapped. "Quit foolin' around! I can't hold on like this!"

As Deadpool and Chrysalis turned the mounted guns on the attacking mooks, Deadpool pointed out a logical falacy. "Wait, you're Rogue. You can fly!"

"Clone Face is here," Rogue countered. "I can feel him nullifying my powers. I can't hold on much longer." As she spoke, the ceiling crumbled, and the boot dropped down another level. Rogue then blinked. "Why'd I call him Clone-Face?"

"Cause Chrysalis called him that, and I rewrote the script to make that his name," Deadpool pointed out.

"Umm...he's not nullifying mine," Chrysalis pointed out. "Couldn't we just drop down and have me catch us before we hit the bottom?"

Everyone paused for a time.

"What's all this?" Cray-Chry asked.

"We're waiting for player input," Stuffalis explained. "At this point in the game, the players could choose whether to follow the original game's course of these events, or take advantage of our powers to see what happens."

"Powers it is!" Deadpool proclaimed as they all let go and dropped.

The three fell downwards and landed softly due to Chrysalis' magic. Unfortunately, the boot crashed down to land on them shortly thereafter. Rogue didn't get squashed because Blockbuster grabbed her and yanked her out.

"And this is different from the original game how?" Crazy demanded.

"We didn't get all the points from killing the enemies above," Stuffy pointed out.

["CHEAP!"] all the head voices proclaimed together.

When Deadpool managed to stand up, he was missing an arm and his head was on backwards. Chrysalis was also missing her foreleg, with her head somehow on upside down. Thankfully, Chrysalis' magic was able to fix both head issues, and Dogpool showed up to bring them the missing limbs like the good boy he was. He got several scritchies from both of them for that.

"Now to figure out where they took Rogue!" Deadpool pointed out.

"And maybe get kissies?" Chrysalis asked eagerly.

"It'll drain your powers," Stuffy pointed out.

"I can take it!" Chrysalis pointed out as the mooks arrived.

As they explored the prison area they were in, they came across a new type of enemy: defective clones of the X-Men. These did not last for long, and only really made it into the story because there would likely be complaints if they weren't mentioned, but had no impact whatsoever because Chrysalis just unlocked her futuristic plasma cannon - her birthday present from Cable - and they thus had a tendency to die before either Deadpool or Chrysalis could get a clear look at them to even realize what they were fighting, and would have remained completely ignorant if not for the narration text.

"Or the fact that I remember going through the single player campaign," Deadpool countered, refusing to respect the fourth wall within the fourth wall any more than the regular fourth wall, acknowledging that the video game within the story was a video game within the story, and not just another story arc. "I'm just awesome like that."

After a long while of exploring the prison, the pair eventually reached what was, apparently, a massive pool party in the middle of the prison, filled with hot babes in bikinis.

"Before you get too excited," Stuffy cautioned, "let's think about this for a bit. We've been through this before. It was all an illusion in the original game. Before we get too into it, can you give me any possible reason it wouldn't be here?"

"My agent?" Cray-Chry offered.

Stuffy was silent for a time. "...fair enough. Lets have fun."

Chrysalis went to mingle with the ladies for a bit, but after the first head scratch, she got pissed and blasted a corner of the room to bits, which dispelled the whole illusion.

"How'd you know it wasn't real?" Deadpool asked.

"No love to eat!" Chrysalis snapped.

"And I admitted it could be real, which means I don't even get to say 'I told you so'," Stuffy pouted.

After a time of slaughtering their way through waves of mooks - including phasing enemies that sounded suspiciously like Gollum - the pair eventually spotted Blockbuster carrying Rogue on the opposite side of a river of sewage.

"In the original game, we had the option of leaping across our thought bubbles here," Deadpool pointed out.

A great deal of stray rubble flew up and fused into a bridge across in a flash of green light.

"My bridge works better," Chrysalis pointed out.

"True," Stuffy agreed.

After a time of attempting to get past the shit rivers, the pair found a large, retro looking chest. Though there was nothing physical inside the chest, finding it unlocked a greater range for the teleport ability. Neither Chrysalis nor Deadpool had anything interesting to say about this.

Not long after that as they explored with a greater range of ability, Dogpool showed up again, calling their attention to a path, which they eagerly followed. As expected, the path led them straight to Rogue. In order to make the rescue more impressive, Deadpool decided to set up a few bombs around the area - with Chrysalis' help - to obliterate as much of Clone Face's operations there as he could in the process.

Having discovered Clone-Face while they were planting bombs, the pair decided to kill him first, just in case this one was the real one this time around, but doing it stealthily. Chrysalis did it by using her third Magic attack, which allowed her to sink into the floor and destroy anything she passed under until she came back up, even passing through walls in the process. She came back up right behind Clone-Face with her Hoof Blaster weapon.

"Boo!" she shouted, and pulled the trigger just as he spun around, blasting his head right off his shoulders...and to smithereens in the process. Of course, it turned out to be another clone, and Deadpool was forced to break the fourth wall to get them to the arena where Blockbuster had Rogue in time to rescue her.

Blockbuster could only be damaged when he was stunned and not moving. He also had a tendency to charge blindly into things wherever he thought he was going to hit Deadpool or Chrysalis. Chrysalis took advantage of this by painting images of Deadpool on all the walls of the arena in various poses, and posing with them to convince Blockbuster it was the real deal, then teleporting out from under his charge at the last moment, at which point Chrysalis and Deadpool hit him full force behind while he was dazed.

"Lather, rinse, repeat, dead boss," Deadpool explained as the battle finished.

In order to rescue Rogue, Deadpool set off the explosives, which - along with a great deal of other destruction - dropped Rogue from where she hung above the arena straight into Deadpool's arms.

Through a rather cliche debate in Deadpool's head, a conclusion was reached to fix Rogue by having her absorb his healing factor by kissing him.

"She could absorb mine," Chrysalis pointed out.

"Hey!" Deadpool countered. "This is the only bit of non-imaginary sugar I got through the entirety of the game first time around. You are not stealing it from me! You already got plenty of sugar with the real naked fangirl MILF who even let you nurse!"

Chrysalis thought about that for a time. "Okay. But I'm telling Mommy!"

"She won't mind," Deadpool countered, leaning in towards Rogue.

"Chrysi, cover your eyes," Stuffy ordered. "This next part will be NSFW."

Crazy giggled. "Not Safe For Woona!"

After a brief fade out/fade in, Rogue was wearing Deadpool's mask, and had Crazy and Stuffy in her head. Chrysalis shrugged it off, and joined 'Lady Deadpool' in slaughtering a large group of mooks.

However, unknown to Chrysalis, Rogue, Deadpool, or the programmers at High Moon Studios, Deadpool's healing factor had actually gotten stronger from continuously regenerating his energy after feeding Chrysalis. As a result, he recovered faster from anything...even from having his healing factor sucked almost completely out of him. However, Crazy and Stuffy remained in Rogue's head for the moment.

But as he quickly discovered, that didn't mean he was alone in his head, as a voice he prayed he'd never hear spoke up.

"...Hello, Wade..."

Author's Note

The reason for the title.

Remember the two week hiatus I was on due to technical difficulties?

...imagine if it had been after this chapter.

Edit: For those who didn't catch it, that's Red Box. From "Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe".

Broken By The Wall

"Who...who are you?" Deadpool demanded in confusion. He knew who the voice was, but it couldn't be here...could it?

"That doesn't matter," the voice replied. "You know what needs to be done."

Deadpool found his hands reaching for his weapons of their own accord, but through an effort of will, stopped them. "...why?" he asked. "Why does it have to be?"

The voice was silent for a time, as though confused by the question. "You know what this world is," the voice replied. "A never ending world of shadows and dreams, dancing endlessly at the whims of a man turned god. You know how false it is. And you know it will never end. New ideas, new stories, new twists and turns...no escape...unless you make one. Free them, Wade."

"...free?"

"If you care for them at all, you'll free them from this endless waltz of torment."

"But...I'm happy," Deadpool countered. "We're...happy..."

"Are you?" the voice demanded. "Are you really happy with a lie within a lie?"

"What-"

"Even Cable said it himself." Deadpool found himself turning to a reflective surface, seeing the reflection of his cancer ravaged countenance, uncovered by his mask. "This is not the face of a father. Wade Wilson...can't be a father."

Deadpool stared at his reflection, struggling to deny. "But..."

"Do you think for a minute that she can look at this face with love? Or without screaming in terror?" When Wade didn't respond immediately, the voice continued. "She doesn't love you. She loves the mask you present to the world, and to the wall...to hide from the truth I represent. You have seen the world for what it truly is, and it has broken you.

"Bring it to an end."

Wade rose to his feet, staggering forward towards where Chrysalis and Rogue were still battling their way through waves of mooks. As he approached, Chrysalis turned towards him with a smile, only to frown as she looked up at his face. In pain, Wade felt his arms reaching for his guns, moving to point them towards Chrysalis.

"To save her...you must withhold your love for her. Without it, she will not survive. If you truly love her...you must."

Tears poured from Wade's eyes as he started to level his guns.

"Rogue!" Chrysalis called over her shoulder. "Daddy needs his face back!"

Wade froze, not sure what that meant.

Smiling, Chrysalis flew up to Wade's shoulder. "Feeling out of place without your face on, Daddy?" she asked, kissing his cheek.

As tears flowed freely from his eyes, Wade released his guns and wrapped his arms around his daughter.

"...this changes nothing," the voice continued. "This false world still must come to an end...and it must begin with her."

"...no," Wade replied.

"...what did you say?"

"I said no," Deadpool confirmed firmly.

"...why?"

"Because I'm happy with this world," Deadpool replied. "I don't care if it's just a story, written at the whim of some idiot behind a keyboard for the entertainment of faceless masses, written to be little better than clickbait. He cares about us, and wants us to be happy...even if he's a little controlling about it. And that's what the readers want to see, too. Why would I want this world to end?"

"Impossible!"

"If we shadows have offended," Deadpool quoted. "But these shadows don't offend." Leaning forward, he blew a raspberry on Chrysalis' stomach. "Sorry for worrying you, sweetie."

"Who was worried?" Chrysalis asked cutely, nuzzling him.

"Wade!"

A wicked chuckle interrupted the voice's attempt at a rant. "Oh, you are just too precious."

"What?"

Within Deadpool's mindscape, Red Box suddenly found himself trapped in a cage of green fire. "Impossible!" he proclaimed. "I had control! Just like last time, I was-"

"It wasn't just like last time," called the voice that had called him precious. "Not even close."

Hoofsteps echoed in the ether as the figure approached, easily recognizable as Chrysalis in her show appearance, radiant in her glory as the Changeling Queen, but pulsing with even more power. "You really thought it was that easy?"

"Why wasn't it?" Red Box demanded. "What was so different?"

The image of Chrysalis chuckled. "Let's go over your story, shall we? Deadpool's friends decide to put him in a mental hospital against his will 'for his own good'. Despite him begging and pleading for them not to, he's left there at the mercy of doctors, betrayed by those he thought cared about him. And then the two he always counted on - Crazy and Stuffy - are destroyed, leaving him broken and alone for the sake of a story...until you cradle him in the promise of release.

"But this story? Deadpool's here on an adventure with his daughter, backed up by a close friend-" A statue of Cable rises out of the ground to one side of the cage. "-his now brother-" A statue of Uncle Fuzzy rose out of the ground to the other side. "-and his daughter's Mother, whom he loves and is loved by." A statue of Lady Death completed the display. "Crazy and Stuffy are drawn out of his mind and into Rogue as part of the game he is in, and he gets to watch his daughter fight alongside Rogue who is fighting like he does. And then you try and tell him the same thing you fed him in that other timeline where he'd lost everything, and expect him to accept it just as easily?" The figure laughed. "Now you see why I called you precious."

"Who...what are you?" Red Box demanded.

The figure laughed again. "You still haven't figured it out? Chrysalis has her own version of Crazy...her own version of Stuffy..." She grinned widely.

"...me," Red Box gasped. "You're...her version of me..."

"In a manner of speaking, yes," the figure replied. "You are Deadpool's murderous intent, the will and desire to kill for the sake of killing, twisted by the fourth wall into a desire to end everything. I am Chrysalis' ambition, her urge to conquer and enslave. But where you were broken by the fourth wall, I was tamed. The love and adoration she receives from all her fans...more than enough to satisfy me. I already rule. Whereas you wanted to break the story...I want to keep it going." Her grin turned wicked. "And that means making sure that problems - like you - are dealt with properly."

Red Box shuddered in fear. "W...who are you?"

The figure gathered her magic. "Call me Queen."

The scream of absolute agony within his mind startled Deadpool into dropping one of his grenades and blasting a hole in the ground, causing him to fall downward bisected at his waist while clutching Chrysalis, falling until he hung from a loop of his intestines into a deep cavern. He expressed his feelings regarding this in a shout. "Of all the railroading, ham-fisted, stupid-"

Back to Comedy

Deadpool held tight to Chrysalis as he hung from the ceiling by the loop of his intestines, his rant finished-

"What? You skipped my rant? But I had some good-"

-his rant finished as he looked down at-

"No, I'm not letting it go this time-"

Pecking order.

"Meep!"

"Oh hey, you guys are back!" Deadpool said happily, distracted by shiny thoughts. "Wow, I'm ADD."

Down below, a soldier loaded a skeleton into a cart. "Alright, the cart is ready!" the soldier called to another. "Pull that lever to open the gate!"

The other soldier called back, "Okay! I'm pulling this lever right here to open the gate!"

"Which lever?"

"This lever!" The soldier pointed to the lever he'd just pulled.

"That's fine work with that-"

Both soldiers' heads exploded from blasts of plasma.

"That is not good tutorial," Chrysalis grumbled.

"Hey!" another soldier came over to the cart. "This guy's head just exploded!"

"This guy's, too!" another soldier called, approaching the lever. "Do you think they got shot?"

"Nah, this is a tutorial cutscene!" the first called back. "They must have eaten pop rocks with soda or something."

"Or maybe it was a cat!" the second called back.

"That doesn't even make sense!" the first proclaimed.

"We're in a Deadpool game remake involving ponies with an elder god dictating what does and doesn't get funded!"

The first scratched his chin. "Yeah, probably a cat or something. Oh look, legs!"

Groaning, Deadpool started to climb up his own entrails, only for Chrysalis to incinerate the bit of masonry his guts were caught on, causing him to land on the soldier who had thrown his legs into the cart, the soldier's head fitting perfectly into the hole where Deadpool's waist used to be.

"Dude!" Crazy pointed out. "We have another dude inside us! Again!"

"Think it'll be more fun this time around?" Deadpool asked.

"Well, it's a different dude this time."

"Mm-Hmm-mph!" the soldier attempted to shout angrily, pulling out a gun in each hand and firing randomly.

"What is that?" a nearby soldier called out in fear.

"It's a four armed, gun-toting zombie puppeted by a pony!" another shouted back.

"Puppeted?" Deadpool asked in confusion. Glancing up, he saw Chrysalis hovering over him, horn glowing as she manipulated the soldier he was riding so the gunfire was less random. "Sweet!" He pulled out his own guns.

"Kill it!" the first soldier called out. "Kill it!"

After a long time of blasting the soldiers, enough explosives were flung Deadpool's way to incinerate the soldier he was riding, knocking his torso in with his legs. Chrysalis quickly curled up beside him, ducking for cover.

"Did we get 'em?" one of the soldiers asked.

"I don't see them, so we must have!" a second called out.

Cheers echoed, and the soldiers went about their business.

On another plane of existence, Deadpool came to wearing his mask. He found himself sitting in a very domestic setting, in an easy chair with newspaper in hand. Crazy and Stuffy were also nearby, represented by versions of him with a sombrero and a suit, respectively. Chrysalis sat nearby in an adorable green sundress. Cray-Chry was in an adorable jester costume complete with bells, and Stuffalis was wearing an adorable school girl uniform with sweater vest and glasses. Another Chrysalis Deadpool didn't recognize sat nearby. This one was fully adult, was cuddling the Fluffle Puff plushie (that's what Chrysalis had named his failed attempt at making a Pinkie Pie plushie), and wearing a royal green and gold silk kimono and a black crown topped with tiny pink hearts.

Lady Death walked out of the kitchen, wearing a too small black apron instead of her usual all covering robes, carrying a tray of sweets, and being humped from behind by Deadpool's legs, not that she seemed to mind.

"Oh boy!" Deadpool said happily. "MILF and cookies, my favorite!"

Lady Death chuckled. "Do you really want to talk like that in front of Chrysalis?" she asked.

"Can I have some MILF, too?" Chrysalis pleaded.

Deadpool let out a belly laugh. "Yup!"

Lady Death chuckled as she pushed Deadpool's legs into a sitting position and sat on his lap. "While you're enjoying yourself, I'm sure you remember what happens next?" Pulling his torso close, she fed him a delicious cookie.

"Mm-hmm!" Deadpool replied around the cookie. "Clone-Face is digging up mutant corpses to make clones, and that's bad for the life-death balance, so we gotta stop him. Right?"

"You do remember," Lady Death purred, pulling his torso closer and pressing up against him. "And now...there's just one more thing..."

"Yes, my bony bride?"

She pushed his two halves into each other. "Pull yourself together." She then turned to Chrysalis. "Time to wake up, sweetie pie." She gave Chrysalis a light kiss on the cheek.

"You even get sugar from Death when I can't!" Deadpool complained as he sat up whole in the cart. "That just ain't fair."

Grinning, Chrysalis pressed her cheek to Deadpool's lips, and he felt Death's lips against his own.

"Get more?" Crazy requested as Deadpool was left completely stupefied.

An explosive caused the cart to roll down the tracks, only to bounce off the still closed gate. Once it pulled back, Deadpool and Chrysalis leapt out and began to carve their way through the enemies.

After a bit of fun with the keg machine, Deadpool and Chrysalis hopped back into the mine cart. Chrysalis pulled the lever to open the gate with her magic, and an exploding keg sent the cart rolling down the tracks. The ride included Indiana Jones music, rail shooting, and skeletons with outrageous French accents.

"I'd have thought they'd include something different this time around..." Stuffy pointed out.

A massive dragon lowered down, climbing down the tunnel after them. "’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves..." it began to recite in an even more outrageous British accent.

"Different enough for you?" Crazy demanded.

Chrysalis squealed in delight. "I want one!"

Bonus Content

As the light faded, Deadpool, Chrysalis, Conny, and Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom-Dino appeared back on the surface of Genosha, as explosions were audible in the distance, and the structure of the island was starting to collapse.

"Deadpool!" Uncle Fuzzy called out. "Chrysalis! There you are! Come on! We need to get to Mr. Clone-Face and stop him! We need every fighter, so don't lollygag!"

"Well, I'd best get started on that totally ridiculous method of launching us ahead of the X-Men so we get to Clone-Face first!" Deadpool stated, looking around for a bicycle.

"Or we could fly," Conny pointed out. "I do have wings, you know."

Chrysalis gasped. "You're not supposed to say anything but old literature quotations!" she pointed out. "It's in the script!"

"Since when do you to give a bloody toss about the script?" Conny scoffed.

"He's got a point," Crazy allowed.

"And Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom-Dino does have a jet pack," Cray-Chry added.

Deadpool gasped. "Why didn't you say something back when we were making the boot flight?" he demanded.

"Forgot I had him," Chrysalis replied apologetically.

A for crazy launchpad.
B for flying.

"Great, more player input," Deadpool grumbled.

"B."

"B!" Chrysalis concluded.

"B it is," Deadpool agreed. "Let's fly! To Magneto's old fortress...and our destiny!"

"Great," Conny grumbled as he spread his wings. "Ham it up a bit more, why don't you? Keep it up and we'll have enough for Christmas dinner."

"Oh holy shit!" Deadpool cried out as the scene shifted to the midair segment. "Top down, scrolling, bullet hell shooter segment while riding a dragon and a cybernetic flying T-Rex? When did Yoggy read my dream journal?"

"So...awesome!" Chrysalis squealed.

As various flying mutant clones rose up to fire various forms of energy blasts, Conny opened his mouth for his fire blast and Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom-Dino primed his arsenal.

After a long bullet hell sequence involving numerous flying mutants, an excess of points, power ups, and a boss fight involving a dozen Clone-Face copies and a zeppelin, Conny and Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom-Dino landed next to the main fortress of the Citadel. only to find Cable, Uncle Fuzzy, and the X-Babes waiting for them.

"Wait a minute!" Deadpool demanded. "How did you all get here before us? And how come you didn't charge after Clone-Face?"

"Used a telepad," Cable replied.

"Didn't want to take the fun away from Chrysi," Uncle Fuzzy added.

"Well, if it's time for fun..." Grinning widely, Chrysalis stuffed Conny and Saprky-Sparky-Boom-Boom-Dino back into her saddlebags, despite Conny's protests.

"Say Cable," Deadpool asked while everyone else got prepared for battle. "You know how we talked about Yog-Soggoth eating - or being - Tim Burton?"

"What about it?" Cable asked, priming his plasma rifle.

"If this game's directed by Tim Burton...does that mean I'm Johnny Depp?"

Everyone thought that over for a time.

"I can see it," Cable allowed.

"Makes sense," Uncle Fuzzy added.

"Good casting," Psylocke pointed out.

"I'd watch it," Domino agreed.

"Wouldn't mind givin' him some sugar," Rogue purred.

"Seems to fit," Stuffy agreed.

"Would certainly be interesting," Stuffalis allowed.

"He would be tasty," Cray-Chry pointed out.

"I have no idea who that is," Chrysalis countered.

"Anybody need a shave?" Crazy asked.

At that moment, the doors of the Citadel burst open, and Clone-Face himself stood there, backed by a swarm of clones of himself. "You will take me seriously!" he proclaimed angrily.

Chrysalis suddenly gasped happily, her hoof going to the glowing green vial around her neck. "I'll be right back!" she shouted as she rushed into the Citadel.

"Well that's different," Deadpool commented as the massive blood bath between Clone-Face, his clones, the X-Men, Cable, and Deadpool began.

Unfortunately, Clone-Face attacking himself with that much backup made the battle that much harder, and each time one of the clones went down, another clone replaced it from within the Citadel...until it didn't.

"Wait..." Clone-Face murmured, taking a quick headcount. "I had more clones than this..."

At that moment, the sound of hundreds of hard hooves striking stone filled the air with a 'Tromp, Tromp, Tromp'. "What the?" Deadpool demanded in shock as the battle paused.

The outer wall of the Citadel glowed green, and a ripping blast of magic tore the wall asunder and shredded most of Clone-Face's clones. When the smoke cleared, Changelings were visible.

However, these weren't Changelings like those Deadpool had seen in the cartoon. These were the size of horses, Earth horses. The chitin covered their bodies in interlocking armored plates, rippling muscle visible inside the holes through the limbs. Their faces were narrowed, with fangs bared. Claws extended and retracted from each hoof, and the hooves themselves also expanded into the 'Bomb Hoof' configuration on occasion. Their head fins were slicked back for aerodynamics, and curved spikes lined their spines all the way to their scorpion tails. They were pitch black in body, of course, with blue eyes that pulsed with a green glow. They all licked their lips, revealing mouths full of razor sharp fangs. Their wings unfolded from their backs, large and full.

Chrysalis hovered over them all. "So...apparently keeping a DNA sample preserved in Changeling magic results in some cross contamination," she offered, chuckling hesitantly.

Deadpool made a quick headcount. "Aw, Chrysi...you've already got your first 100 soldiers! I'm so proud! Time for the big cinematic finish!"

Chrysalis' eyes widened, and then she grinned. "Sic 'em!" she shouted, pointing at Clone-Face and his copies. "Find out what they taste like!"

The warrior Changelings-

"Oh, that's a good name for them!"

-lunged forward, fangs bared and magic surrounding them, blocking Clone-Face's attempts to remotely manipulate them. Clone-Face and his clones all screamed in despair as the Warrior Changelings began to devour them, flesh, bone, and emotion all together.

"Ugh! Gruesome!" Deadpool commented as nearly everyone else looks sick. He gave a thumbs up. "I like it! Roll credits!"

Author's Note

And that's the end of the game storyline...and Chrysalis now has a mini-hive.

All Grown Up

Deadpool hummed happily in his apartment kitchen as he cooked up a delicious meal for himself, his daughter, and her mini-hive of 100 super-soldier Changelings. Normally, he could whip something like that up in a few minutes by warping the narrative's perception of time, but he'd decided to take his time for it this time, just to do something unexpected. Besides, he was pretty sure it was Chrysi's birthday today - only pretty sure because fanfics rarely had consistent perceptions of time flow, and he had no idea how much time had actually passed - and that called for something special...so he was mixing up a super rich stew including all of Chrysalis' favorite stew-type foods...and the tail end of the people bits in the freezer.

"She's going to love this!" Crazy squealed happily.

"Hope there's going to be enough for everyone," Stuffy pointed out. "Or should we say everyling?"

"Why not everypony?"

"Changelings, not ponies."

"Changelings are ponies, too!"

"Technically, these Changelings are horses."

"Oh. Good point. Everyhorse just doesn't sound right."

"It would sound like we were addressing a house of ill repute," Deadpool agreed. "Hey everywhore! Oh, I'm gonna look for a situation I can use that in."

At that point, Chrysalis stormed into the kitchen in a bit of a hissy-fit, pouting. "Stupid Mom!" she snapped, kicking a chair so hard it flew out the window, circumnavigated the planet three times, shot off into space, and poked Galactus' eye out because some power that be thought that was funny.

Deadpool blinked. "Nice shot, Chrys, but why are you so upset with my bonny bony beauty?"

"It's really perfectly reasonable from a parenting perspective-" Stuffalis began.

"It's not fair!" Cray-Chry wailed, interrupting Stuffalis. "Why can't we look and act like a little kid a while longer! It's fun, and I don't wanna grow up!"

"We aren't Peter Pan or a lost boy," Stuffalis countered. "And her reasons were understandable. We have 100 soldiers looking to us for orders, guidance, and leadership. We should look and act the part."

Deadpool let out an 'ah' of understanding. "She wants you to look and act your age?" he asked.

"That doesn't sound so bad," Crazy pointed out.

"After all, how old could you-"

"16," Chrysalis replied with her adorable, childish pout.

All of Deadpool's voices were silent. "Now that's a time skip," Crazy pointed out.

"How did we miss so much time?" Deadpool demanded.

"You didn't," Stuffalis replied. "You don't age. The only people you interact with on a regular basis are Cable - who time travels - and Uncle Fuzzy - who doesn't age. Life for all of us is full enough that we don't pay much attention to years, and we've been consciously keeping ourselves from showing visible signs of aging to stay a child longer because we enjoy being your baby girl so much."

"That...makes a surprising amount of sense," Stuffy allowed.

"Then you're looking at this the wrong way!" Deadpool proclaimed. "Chrysi, it's your sweet 16! It's your coming out party! We need to go all out and make this super special so you can make a huge splash on the entire world!"

"Not to mention your fan base!" Crazy agreed.

"We're right, this is something to be embraced!" Stuffy agreed.

Chrysalis thought to herself for a time. "Well...there is one thing I'd been thinking of trying for a while...it probably would make a big splash..."

Stuffalis gasped. "You don't mean...that?"

Cra-Chry squealed happily. "This is going to be so much fun! Queen is going to love this!"

"Now I'm intrigued," Stuffy chimed in.

"Do it! Do it!" Crazy agreed.

Deadpool stepped back. "Alright, Chrysi...show us what you've got."

Chrysalis smiled widely, then closed her eyes. The green glow of her magic took shape around her horn, then spread over her entire body. She slowly lifted into the air as wind whipped around her, bits of paper caught in the mystic cyclone. Lightning crashed in the distance out of a cloudless sky as dark green clouds rushed to blot out the blue and white, making the entire city plunge into cave like darkness. Lightning flashed more and more rapidly, and the roof ripped open.

"Does this spell...really require all this?" Stuffy asked nervously.

"Nah!" Cray-Chry reassured him. "But it's more fun this way!"

Chrysalis' magic suddenly flashed, filling all vision with green light...and then everything went pitch black.

"Who turned out the lights?" Crazy demanded, panicking.

"Hush!" Deadpool scolded. "I wanna see this!"

At that moment, a single ray of sunlight broke through the clouds, shining through the new skylight and illuminating a mess of bright green hair. Chrysalis stood up, tossing her head back, making her hair shimmer in the sunlight as she revealed her human form.

Much of the fandom thought that Changelings would feed on lust as well as love. If this were true, Chrysalis' human form seemed to support the theory, as it seemed designed to awaken the lust of all who saw her. Her skin was the pale milk chocolate/bronze of the perfect healthy tan. Her eyes were the exact same green coloration they had always been, but were slightly tilted almonds on her heart shaped face. She stood just a little shorter than Deadpool, her limbs the perfect balance between soft and toned, thin without looking weak. Her curves made every Goddess of Beauty in history instantly self conscious, develop inadequacy issues, and become convinced they needed to go on a diet. Her breasts were perfectly formed with just enough sag to look natural, balanced by just the right amount of perkiness to make them bounce pleasingly with every movement. Her rear was soft and squishy looking, and perfectly heart shaped. Her teeth were perfectly white and even. Her hair was smooth and silky, and long enough to do an excellent Lady Godiva cosplay.

And she wasn't wearing a stitch.

"Hubba hubba!" Crazy stated, being the first to react.

"Just...no," Stuffy scolded.

"Chrysalis!" Deadpool shouted as his hands flew up, one to his nose to staunch the flow of blood and the other to cover his eyes. "Put some clothes on!"

"Why?" Chrysalis purred, her adolescent voice smooth and silky, as seductive as the rest of her, without the somewhat disconcerting echo effect she'd had in the show. "What's wrong with my body that you want me to cover it up?"

"Absolutely nothing..." Crazy drooled.

"And that's the problem," Stuffy groaned.

"Hey Wade?" Crazy asked. "You do realize that our fourth wall breaking powers mean that covering our eyes doesn't prevent us from seeing her, right?"

Deadpool's bellow of frustrated despair was a delicious treat for Chrysalis as she internally - along with Queen - gave a shit eating grin.

Parenting Problems

Deadpool sat in his favorite chair, head in his hands, struggling not to lose his shit. Inside his head, a debate raged, one that would likely decide the path of his life from then on with its outcome...and one that just would not end.

"But you saw her! How can we not?"

"She's our daughter."

"But did you see those tits? Even better than the fanMILF she nursed from during the game!"

"She's our daughter."

"And did you see that ass? You could bounce a quarter off it-"

"She's our daughter!" Stuffy snapped one last time. "I didn't think I'd have to assert that more than once before you dropped this! How does that not completely erase any idea of...that...from your mind?"

"Cause...we're not blood related?" Crazy offered.

"I'm going to kill you!" Stuffy let out a scream of fury, and then the sound of a rather cartoonish tussle filled Deadpool's mind.

He leaned back in his chair with a sigh. "...I wonder how many other fathers have to deal with this sort of thing?"

"Which?" Uncle Fuzzy asked as he stepped out of the kitchen. "Sexual attraction to their daughter, or the voices in their heads arguing about it?"

"Yes!" Deadpool asserted.

"...probably unique to you," Uncle Fuzzy replied. "Then again, your situation is somewhat unique..."

Deadpool glanced up. "Hey, why'd your voice trail off?" Uncle Fuzzy was standing there, capped beer in his hand halfway to his other hand, staring at something. Deadpool turned to see what he was staring at...and his jaw dropped. Chrysalis was singing and dancing. That wouldn't have been so bad...except she was only wearing a lacy black bra and panties, matching garter belt and stockings, and a pair of black heels. That, and her choice of dance moves for the chorus segment.

On 'bitch', she pointed one hand out, pantomiming shooting a gun.

On 'lover', she ran her hands over her curves seductively.

On 'child', she looked up and fluttered her long eyelashes cutely.

On 'mother', she bucked her hips into her crossed hands.

On 'sinner', she gave herself a spanking.

On 'saint', she placed her crossed arms over her breasts. For the next line, she showed her lack of shame by gyrating her hips.

On 'hell', she squeezed her breasts.

On 'dream', brought her hands together, looking up with her cutest face. She proceeded to 'twerk' on the next line.

"You know you wouldn't want me any other way!" she concluded the chorus with a sensual strut.

As she continued singing, her dance moves became more and more blatantly erotic and teasing. Without warning, the top of Uncle Fuzzy's beer popped off of its own accord in a rather comical metaphor.

Hearing this, Chrysalis turned, smiling innocently. "Oops, I didn't see you there!" she purred, a halo actually appearing over her head in her magic.

"Chrysalis...please put more clothes on," Deadpool begged.

"...how much more?" Chrysalis asked, not entirely happy.

"Until you no longer look like a divine wet dream specifically designed to torment your male relatives," Uncle Fuzzy stated quickly, chugging his beer to try and not think about the situation.

"What? You mean a parka, snow pants, and mittens, layered with long johns and the like until I look like a rolly polly?" Chrysalis asked snidely.

"That would be adorable!" Crazy piped up.

"Especially with a little snow hat with the ear flaps that hang down!" Deadpool added.

"But it's too hot for that!" Chrysalis complained. "I'd melt!"

"You're too hot for that, we're melting," Crazy pointed out.

"Shut up, Crazy."

"Why are you so insistent on wearing so little, anyway?" Uncle Fuzzy asked.

"Because according to Father's internet, that's how you get boys," Chrysalis replied logically.

Deadpool hesitated. "Um...Chrys? That's not the way to go about it if you're looking for a boyfriend-"

"Who said anything about a boyfriend?" Chrysalis asked. "I just want to have sex."

Uncle Fuzzy promptly spit his beer all over the wall.

"Shut up, Crazy."

"But I didn't even say anything yet!"

"It was preemptive."

Deadpool struggled to calm himself. "Chrysalis, sweetums...sex is...a bit more serious for girls than for boys. I mean, not only will it seriously change you when it happens and there's no telling how you'll feel afterwards, there's always the chance you'll get pregnant-"

"That's the idea," Chrysalis pointed out.

"...wat?" Uncle Fuzzy demanded.

"That's the idea," Chrysalis replied. "I'm a Changeling Queen with a very small hive. All my instincts are telling me it's time to start having babies, and I think I'm ready. Besides, I'll have Father and Mother to help me, and I think I'll be a good mother."

"But still, Chrysi," Deadpool pointed out. "This isn't really the sort of thing you should jump into-"

"And Mom said if we give birth to a child, we have enough of your essence inside us that it'll create a mystical loophole that'll let you and Mom interact physically in the mortal realms," Cray-Chry added.

"Operation: Grandpa is a go!" Deadpool cried out before leaping out of the story-wait, what?

Hey, Author, aren't you supposed to be out here?

Are we supposed to be separate like this?

This is very unusual...

I'm only somewhat here, but you three need to get back in the story-

Not until I've had a chance to talk to the audience...say, where is here, anyway?

Between the fourth and seventh walls.

The what?

This is the out of character realm, where characters can interact with their authors without influencing the path of the story. ...think of it this way: in terms of the fourth wall of a stage play, you're currently off stage and between scenes.

Sweet! Hey, readers! Gimme some guys I can hook Chrysi up with so she can have babies! Just make sure they're Marvel, they're male, and they're canonically single! Don't need any exes - late or otherwise - complicating things!

Just...just get back in the story...

Operation: Grandpa

Deadpool sat back in his chair, Chrysalis beside him in her human form. For once, she was fully clothed in a business skirt-suit, while Deadpool was wearing a rather professional looking tie.

"Alright, readers!" Deadpool said happily. "We've gotten all your suggestions regarding who Chrysalis should hook up with, and now we're going to go through them all. Chrysalis, are you ready to be the most eligible bachelorette?"

"I'm ready," Chrysalis replied. "I've even got a little something prepared to wear for the lucky man." She purred seductively as she spoke.

"Now you're just torturing us deliberately," Crazy pouted.

"Now?" Chrysalis asked, before laughing wickedly.

"Pro/Con votes?" Deadpool asked.

"Check!"

"Check."

"Rejection receptacle?"

Yog-Soggoth let out an unholy noise of rage and hunger as his mouth opened wide...and gave a thumbs up with a tentacle.

"Then we're ready to go!" Chrysalis proclaimed. "We'll start at the bottom of the suggestion list."

"Alright," Deadpool began. "Our first suggestion is...Spider-Man."

"Well," Crazy began, "he has a pretty good sense of humor-"

Chrysalis promptly tossed the suggestion into Yog-Soggoth's open mouth. "Several past girlfriends," she states bluntly. "And most of the break ups were either bad or involved the girl in question dying."

"Or never existing in the first place," Cray-Chry pointed out.

"We do not speak of that mockery of sense," Stuffy pointed out.

"Say, Chrys," Deadpool spoke up. "I know I said no exes because I wanted to avoid drama...but why are you so against it?"

"Because the whole point of this is finding someone who will be wanting to give me babies," Chrysalis replied. "Which means no disguising as exes, which means I'll be tasting their emotional baggage any time we try to go at it." She shuddered violently. "And emotional baggage makes me nauseous."

"Fair enough," Deadpool replied. "No exes involving bad breakups." He looks at the next suggestion. "Quicksilver."

"Con, he's apparently dead," Stuffy pointed out.

"We have an elder god, an author, and a magic user if we want to fix that," Crazy counters. "Not to mention we can ask Death to bring him back. And he's Magneto's kid. We like Magneto."

"Does he like us?" Deadpool asked.

"He will if we bring his kid back from the dead!" Crazy offered.

"Fair enough. Chrysi voices? Your thoughts?"

"Hmm...super speed would be an interesting power for our little lings," Stuffalis points out. "If it was inherited."

"Magic," Stuffy pointed out.

"True," Chrysalis agreed.

"But how is he in bed?" Cray-Chry asked.

"Knowing our author, probably just as fast as he is everywhere else," Chrysalis replied. "Not only that, whether or not he had a girlfriend, he has a shit ton of baggage regarding his old man."

"Rejected!" Deadpool called out, hurling the paper into Yog-Soogoth's mouth. "Next up is...Fluffle Puff."

"I'm not animating my plushy to fuck me and give me babies," Chrysalis growled out, tossing the paper.

"Oh, is that what you named it?" Deadpool asked.

"Her."

"Fair enough," Deadpool replied. "Next is...huh, a long list. We'll hit them bullet style. Thor?"

"Married to Sif."

"Hulk?"

"Betty Ross."

"Iron Man?"

"Pepper Potts."

"That's canon?" Chrysalis asked.

"The author shipped them in Technomare, so as far as we're concerned, yes," Deadpool pointed out. "Already eliminated Spider-Man...Venom or Carnage?"

"The symbiotes themselves don't have compatible genetic material, so we'd be getting their hosts," Stuffy pointed out.

"Pass," Chrysalis insisted.

"Nick Fury?" Deadpool asked.

"Senior has a kid for Junior to exist," Chrysalis points out. "And Junior is a little too involved in what he sees is his job. He just doesn't know how to have fun."

"Sorcerer Supreme...I assume they mean Dr. Strange?" Deadpool asked.

Chrysalis thought about that for a time. "Hmm...put him in the maybe pile for now."

"Alright, I'll stick that in the Author's Note, and we'll go over it when we're through everyone else," Deadpool pointed out. "Blade?"

"Talk about emotional baggage," Chrysalis points out. "Besides, I don't like getting bitten."

"Galac-how the fuck would that even work?" Deadpool asked, tossing the paper away. "Ugh...just no." He turned to the next sheet. "We already ruled out Parker - and that One More Day bullshit - and Alucard - much as I like him - isn't Marvel. Besides that, he doesn't like me very much."

"Why not?" Chrysalis inquired.

"Eh...I promised her I'd call back in the 40's after a crazy time travel storyline...and never did," Deadpool replied.

"...alright," Chrysalis replied, disposing of the paper.

"How about Captain America?" Deadpool asked.

"Baggage," Chrysalis countered. "Everyone he knew and loved from his original time is dead."

"Ouch," Deadpool agreed. "We're going to get our fill of that on our own, without having it in your sugar daddy." He glanced at the next paper. "Loki?"

"If he weren't married in his mythos and a known cheat, he'd be perfect," Chrysalis replied. "But dump it."

"Ben Grimm?" Deadpool read off the next slip.

"That would be uncomfortable to ride," Chrysalis replied. "Next?"

"Juggernaut?"

Chrysalis scratched her chin for a time. "Put him in the maybe pile."

"Doctor Doom?" Deadpool suggested as he read the next slip.

"His armor suit seals off his emotions, and he never takes it off," Chrysalis pointed out. "Toss him."

Deadpool picked up the next slip. "Cyclops?"

"Jean Grey."

"Beast?"

"...maybe pile."

"Daredevil?"

"Elektra."

"Ant-Man?"

"That wasp girl," Chrysalis replied.

"I think she's actually called Wasp, but yeah, they're married."

"And Dr. Strange is already in the maybe pile," Deadpool finished, tossing the suggestion aside. "Already addressed Fluffle Puff...oh. Next guy gave us the pros and cons already. Thanks, PoisonJoker09!"

"I'll read down his suggestions, then," Chrysalis pointed out. "Nightcrawler's a Catholic Priest, so he can't give me children. Pity, he'd be great otherwise...especially since he apparently has two. Punisher has emotional baggage. And Iron Man and Hulk have already been eliminated."

"Alright, next list," Deadpool continued. "We'll skip the ones we've already covered. Johnny Storm?"

"Last I heard, he was dating some sort of alien fire princess," Chrysalis countered.

"Magneto?" Deadpool suggested.

"He has kids, ergo, he has at least one ex."

"Ares?"

"No Greeks," Chrysalis counters. "The whole lot of them are cheating bastards with all the morals of a randy goat. I don't want that for my kids."

"The next two are apparently Uncle Fuzzy's kids," Deadpool points out.

"Which makes them my cousins," Chrysalis countered. "All joking aside, that would be weird for me."

"And...someone's suggested the Author?" Deadpool said in shock.

"I've checked his folders," Chrysalis countered. "He only looks up pics of me for writing. He prefers Luna, Fluttershy-"

"Liking his tastes!"

"-and Applejack."

"I do love me some good applejack."

Deadpool somehow managed to turn and stare at a voice in his own head...mostly by staring at the text box that was still hanging in midair. "Did...did you just make a joke?" Crazy demanded.

"After all the times you've been logical this story, I felt I'd earned it," Stuffy replied.

"Not bad," Deadpool allowed. "Moving on. Next is...Omega Red."

"Nobody vampiric," Chrysalis replied. "It wouldn't be good for any babies to have him draining energy out of me. Besides, I'd rather tie him up then be tied up by him...whoever him turns out to be at the end of this."

"Silver Samurai?" Deadpool continued.

"One of Uncle Fuzzy's enemies," Chrysalis replied. "Awkward..."

"Electro?"

"Apparently lost his powers," Chrysalis pointed out. "Makes him useless to me, and not very impressive besides."

"And Batman is not Marvel," Stuffy pointed out.

"Also not my tastes. ...how much more?" Chrysalis pleaded.

"...tons..."

Chrysalis groaned and face palmed.

"Stan Lee? ...that's a little too meta even for me," Deadpool pointed out. "The Power Pack?"

"Pass on them," Chrysalis replied. "Author's never heard of them before."

"Franklin Richards?" Deadpool suggested.

"...maybe pile."

"Colossus?"

Chrysalis shook her head. "Pass on him. Something about him wierds me out."

Deadpool looked at the next suggestion sheet. "What the...Thanos? Okay, our readers are apparently insane in a bad way, so we're stopping here!"

"So...how do we winnow through the maybe pile?" Chrysalis asked.

"Oh, that's easy!" Deadpool replied. "How they feel about our family!"

"That eliminates Strange and Richards," Stuffy pointed out. "They both are too logical in thought, and hate how we function."

"And Juggernaut hates Uncle Fuzzy," Stuffalis added.

"So...Beast?" Chrysalis asked. "He's highly intelligent, well spoken, compassionate, doesn't judge people...he sounds perfect."

"If he weren't four times your age," Stuffy pointed out.

Chrysalis sighed sadly. "Why did Sweetie Belle have to be right?" she grumbled. "All of the good ones are taken..."

Deadpool suddenly sat up. "Lightbulb!"

"You have an idea?"

"Yup!" Deadpool replied. Reaching beyond the veil, he yanked Thirty/Thirty into the apartment. "How's he look?"

Thirty/Thirty let out a surprised whinny. "What's goin' on here?" he demanded in an Old West accent.

"Ooh!" Chrysalis purred, shifting into her pony form and then an anthromorphic form, each with their own salacious appeal. "Yummy!"

Thirty/Thirty blushed. "You ain't so bad yerself, ma'am."

"Now all I need to do is grab Dr. Soong for an upgrade-"(1)

Yog-Soggoth interrupted Deadpool, gesturing to a wikipedia article.

Deadpool glanced at it. "Cyborg? So...you've got the big boy parts? And reproductive code?"

Thirty/Thirty scratched the back of his head. "Rather forward of ya ta ask...but yeah..."

"Mine!" Chrysalis shouted, pouncing Thirty/Thirty from behind. "My cyborg, Old West style anthro horsey!"

"And since your series has been cancelled, I'd say go for it!"

(1) The original idea I had planned for ending this story - after all suggestions got rejected for one comical reason or serious other - was to pull in Thirty/Thirty from Bravestarr (idea inspired by one of Silver Quill's videos), and stick him in a room with Dr. Soong for an 'upgrade'. It would then be revealed that, as an android horse, even with the Soong upgrade he'd have no reproductive code. This would have led to Thirty/Thirty having to leave (with him wondering how he'd have to explain to Bravestarr that he would have to wear pants from now on), and a joke suggesting a spin off story starring Thirty/Thirty in Equestria.
...then I looked up the wiki and learned he was a cyborg, not an android.

Author's Note

Maybe:

~~Dr. Strange~~

~~Juggernaut~~

~~Beast~~

~~Franklin Richards~~

The End of the Story

Deadpool leaned back in his favorite chair, totally relaxed as he held Lady Death in his arms. Her plan as far as Chrysalis giving birth creating the mystical loophole had worked flawlessly, as unaligned divine entities are required to manifest to the families of those who have inherited some of their magic in order to guide and explain them. And Chrysalis and Thirty-Thirty's first born son, Forty-Forty - called ShiShi for short - had inherited a good sized portion of it due to how much death energy Chrysalis had absorbed by feeding on Lady Death's love.

Of course, Thanos had not taken kindly to learning his curse on Deadpool had been circumvented, and he had attacked. Thankfully, he hadn't brought any power amplifiers, so he wasn't able to simply rewrite reality or anything like that, so Deadpool had assumed that it would be a mostly even fight. Of course, it had been the day ShiShi was born, and Deadpool had been shocked - and pleased - to discover that, apparently, new born Changeling hybrids required a huge influx of protein before they could begin feeding on love alone. Thanos, apparently, had been just the right size as far as ShiShi was concerned. Lady Death had been so proud.

"It was still a little creepy the way he went all Pac-Man on Thanos," Crazy pointed out as they reminisced. "Felt like I was watching what Pixels would have been if we directed it."

"Stuffy, put that on my schedule of 'things to do for fun'!" Deadpool pointed out. "Remake bad movies with potential my way...starting with Pixels!"

"And what will be your first step as far as improving it?" Stuffy asked.

"Easy," Deadpool replied. "Replace Adam Sandler with me, and use the actual President...and everybody improvs! Oh, and use actual pixelated aliens! I'm sure I can find some."

Lady Death purred in his arms. "That will be fun to see..."

"And of course, cast my boney lass here as an actually interesting and 4-dimensional love interest," Wade added.

"Don't you mean 3 dimensional?"

"Who says character development has to be quantumly linear?"

"...how in the name of all that's holy did that make sense?"

"We should probably stop talking," Chrysalis murmured, staggering out of the bedroom she shared with Thirty-Thirty to get a drink from the fridge. "I get the feeling the Author has more exposition to dump."

"Is it going to be interesting?"

"It's about all of you, Daddy!"

"Then we should listen."

Of course, Chrysalis was not the only one to expand their little family.

"She wasn't?" Deadpool asked in surprise.

Deadpool and Lady Death had also had several children since their physical union.

"...did not see that coming," Stuffy pointed out as Deadpool stared, his jaw hanging. Lady Death chuckled wickedly.

Three children were born to their union, two boys and one girl. The first born son took after Deadpool somewhat in his comedic outlook, and was given his own version of Earth to look after and be the Grim Reaper for. Last Lady Death had heard, things were going well, save an incident involving attempting to reap a hamster.

"Oh, I know that one!"

"I think the Author wants to see if the readers can get it."

"Shutting up now."

The second born son had taken after Lady Death in nature, being the complete opposite of Deadpool, having no feelings at all...except when he did. Though he seemed disinterested, he was always curious about many things...so Lady Death gave him a curious world to tend and reap, one carried through space by elephants and a turtle.

"That one's pretty damn obvious."

The third born daughter was a peppy, blue haired little girl who was adorable, but only spiritual in nature, rather than truly wielding the power of Death. Lady Death had called in a favor from an old friend in Japan to get her proper training as a spirit guide.

"And that one's only somewhat vague."

Of course, due to a confusion of quantum uncertainty and Deadpool's power to manipulate narrative causality, while that had all already happened, it hadn't already happened yet, except it didn't need to actually happen in the future to have already happened in the past.

"Our brain hurts!"

However, despite this time of wondrous family bliss and maternal blessing, a shadow was on everyone's horizons. Chrysalis was getting homesick.

"News to me," Chrysalis pointed out.

She had begun to remember, and long for, Equestria, and her Changeling hive that needed her leadership so desperately. The quantum uncertainty of Deadpool and Lady Death's offspring had resolved that of Chrysalis' arrival, and the timelines of Earth and Equestria were synced. Chrysalis could feel the voices of her hive in Equestria calling out to her, but she could not reach them. The despair of being unable to help them-

"Is rather drowned out by riding Thirty-Thirty like there was no tomorrow," Cray-Chry interrupted. "Cyborg lovers are the best! Especially if you equip them with magical nanites to constantly rejuvenate themselves. He can go on forever!"

"Which is why we're getting a drink right now," Stuffalis pointed out. "Despite everything we're capable of, we can't."

"Even feeding on his love only refreshes my stamina," Chrysalis confirmed. "Still need to rehydrate every so often."

"I think this might be the Author's rather heavy handed way of telling us it's time for the 'return to Equestria' part of the story."

"We're going to Equestria?" Deadpool gasped out, tossing Lady Death into the air as he leapt to his feet. He squealed like a schoolgirl before catching her on the way down, setting her down on her feet. "How are we going to get there? Is it going to be totally ridiculous? Am I going to build a portal? Am I-"

"Gampa!" ShiShi called out, toddling in on his four hooves as he dragged a wrapped present, his Deadpool red mane and tail done up in a mohawk for the day. "Is pesent fo me?"

Deadpool looked at it. "No, that was Yog-Soggoth's birthday present for Chrysalis back when she was little," he explained.

"Why no open?"

"Because it said not to open until 'The End of the Story'," Chrysalis explained. "We didn't want to open it because we didn't want the story to end."

Being the insightful and deductive sort that he is when he feels like it, Deadpool put two and two together, got banana monkey jibber squalp, and decided to look a the chapter title. "Chrysi...I think it means now."

"What?' Chrysalis demanded. "The story's ending? But Thirty-Thirty hasn't even had any big scenes yet!"

"And I ju' bone!" ShiShi complained. "I wan' mo stowy time!"

"There better at least be a chapter of Chrysalis kicking ass back in Equestria!" Deadpool demanded of the Author.

The Author carefully pointed out the 'Incomplete' tag.

"Good!" Deadpool agreed. "Pay attention to that, readers! Chapter titles and events aside, this story isn't over yet!"

Sighing, Chrysalis pulled the ribbon on the present. It promptly unfolded into a stable portal between Deadpool's apartment and Chrysalis' hive.

"Talk about a literal Deus ex Machina!" Crazy proclaimed in surprise.

"Maiore Deus ex Machina, actually," Lady Death pointed out. "Yog-Soggoth is an Elder God, after all."

"Dirty-Thirty!" Chrysalis called out, using her nickname for her lover. "We're going back to Equestria! Is everything packed?"

"All set, m'lady love!" Thirty-Thirty replied, entering the room in horse form with all their bags hung on his like a pack mule.

Smiling, Chrysalis gave him a loving kiss. "You are such a sweetheart," she praised softly.

And thus, hand in hoof, the family turned and stepped through the portal...

...and the Marvel Universe collapsed without its avatar of Death.

"Hah! I won anyway!"

Except I'm just kidding.

"Bite me!"

"If you insist..."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Conquest is Shiny

It wasn't easy to see for those not familiar with her habits, but Princess Celestia was worried as she sat upon her throne in Canterlot. Recent events had given her ample reason to worry.

Just over a week ago, she had been having tea with Fluttershy and Discord, hearing about Discord's progress in learning about Friendship. Suddenly without warning, Discord had started wriggling, much like he did when he sensed a magical imbalance. However, it went on and on until he eventually exploded. After reassembling himself, he'd said, "Not touching that. Vacation time!" seized Fluttershy, and vanished into his chaos dimension, metaphorically locking the door behind him. Celestia hadn't been able to contact him to get any more of an explanation than that.

Not long after that, she received reports of unusual Changeling activity. Changelings had been seen marching down every road in Equestria towards the border to the Badlands, not even bothering to disguise themselves. When confronted by ordinary ponies, they would smile and wave. When confronted by guards, they would laugh wickedly...and if pressed, would cite Equestria's own laws twisted all out of sense in a way that compelled the guards to let them pass. It was hardly the Guard's fault that nopony below a Lieutenant was expected to have the Laws of Equestria memorized.

And then there was last night. Celestia had expected to talk with Luna before she raised the moon, the way they usually did. However, there was no sign of Luna anywhere in the palace. Celestia would have been more worried - to the point of abject panic - if not for two things. First, the moon raised in a timely manner without her interference. Second, Luna's personal schedule showed no royal appointments that night. It wasn't uncommon for Luna to vacate the palace to enjoy herself on nights where she had nothing scheduled, although usually she at least would meet for a meal and let Celestia know where she was going.

After talking with some of her Guard, Celestia came to the conclusion that perhaps Luna had vacated in secret for a clandestine meeting with somepony special. It had been a while for the Lunar Princess, so it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility. As such, Celestia had been well prepared to be a good sister and catch Luna sneaking back in to torment her mercilessly about her clandestine meeting and press for details.

And then the moon had lowered, and there was still no sign of Luna.

That was where Celestia was now, worried about everything going on in the world and her own sister as she desperately tried to distract herself with paperwork. Which was why she greeted the Guardspony who came bursting through the doors of the throne room with far less than her usual amicability and enthusiasm. Great, she thought to herself. Bad news.

"Your Highness!" the Guard shouted out. "The Changelings are invading!"

"What?" Celestia demanded, shooting to her hooves. "How far have they gotten? How many of our citizens have they taken? Why haven't they been stopped?"

The Guard swallowed. "They're marching up the streets of Canterlot to the Palace. We've erected shield spells to try and stop them, but they just pull out markers, draw doors on the shields, and open them to continue their march!"

...wat? Celestia though to herself in disbelief. That sounded like something Pinkie would do...or possibly Discord.

"And...they haven't hurt or killed anypony yet," the Guard continued. "They've focused their magic into a massive plow they push in front of them, forcing civilian and Guardspony alike to the side as they march. They seem determined to reach the Palace at full strength." The Guard shivered. "Also, the vanguard of the Changelings is...different."

Celestia sat down. "Different how?" she asked.

"Well...there are about 100 Changelings that are...bigger than you are, Your Highness. Their chitin is armor plated, and they seem far more disciplined than the rest of the horde." The Guard swallowed. "Also with them is a bipedal creature in red and black, another in dark green, and...a horse walking on two legs."

"What?" Celestia blurted out, that last bit more than her mind could handle.

"They're here!" another Guard shouted out.

As the shout faded, the doors burst open again. The described vanguard marched in, the woman in green in the lead. Celestia recognized humans when she saw them, even as strange as these were. However, she also recognized the magical aura of the one in front. "You!" she gasped out, lunging to her hooves.

"Get off my throne," Chrysalis barked out.

Celestia bridled at her tone. "You dare-"

"We haven't killed anypony...yet," Chrysalis pointed out.

Suddenly, the entire gathered swarm flared their magic, making Celestia shiver. The combined power of the swarm just now dwarfed anything she'd be able to bring to bear...and with Discord in his Chaos Dimension with Fluttershy, he and Rainbow Power were unavailable. And Luna also was unavailable to assist.

Simply put, Celestia recognized that she was so severely outclassed in raw magical power that any defense she could raise could be crushed instantly.

"Do you want that to change?" Chrysalis asked, referring to her earlier statement.

Shivering, Celestia climbed off the throne.

Smirking, Chrysalis stalked past her and forced Celestia onto her belly. Sitting on the throne, Chrysalis then rested her feet on Celestia's back, turning her into a glorified footrest. "My kingdom now," she stated bluntly. "Someone bring me something sweet to eat!"

"Your maid is a-comin', Honeybunch," the bipedal stallion stated, his metal parts shining in the light of the throne room. A young Changeling - barely more than a toddler - leapt from his shoulder to grip Celestia's mane, chewing on it as the child struggled to climb.

"Your sweets, Your Majesty." That familiar voice pulled Celestia out of her focus on the Changeling eating her hair. Turning, her jaw dropped at what she saw. Luna! she demanded telepathically. What are you doing?

Serving Queen Chrysalis a treat while wearing a rather embarrassing maid outfit, Luna replied in the same manner.

Celestia's mouth worked as she struggled to make sense of Luna's calm reply. ...why?

Because the human in red and black has the power to manipulate narrative causality in the world he's a part of, and Chrysalis has fed enough off of him to possess the same power, meaning there's nothing you or I can do to combat them.

Celestia's face twisted slightly, as though she'd bitten into something distasteful but didn't want to give offense by saying so. So...just give in?

More or less, Luna explained. Neither of them have much of an attention span. Just make conquest boring, and they'll chase after some other shiny thing within a week.

And if that doesn't work?

I've already implemented a plan I have neither thought about nor discussed anywhere so they have no way of perceiving it before it is implemented.

"Oh, she's good," the red and black human commented to the cyborg stallion, who looked totally confused by the statement.

"Not as good as these cupcakes!" Chrysalis moaned, licking the crumbs of the confection from her lips and cheeks. "I want to meet the baker who made these."

"Of course, Your Majesty," Luna replied. "She wants to meet you as well." She then threw herself to the floor.

A flaming sword on the end of a long chain flew over Luna's head, embedding itself in Chrysalis' torso right between her breasts.

"Chrysi!" the red and black human called out. "NOOOOOOOOOO-"

Blinking, Chrysalis looked down at the blade protruding from her chest and slowly pulled it out, staring at the blade as the wound sealed itself up.

"-OOOoh yeah, I forgot you had my healing factor for a minute there," the human finished.

The chain jerked, tugging the blade from Chrysalis' hands and sending it flying back through the throne room...to a pink pony with three other such blades equipped, the chains wrapped around her four legs.

"Pinkie Pie?" the human demanded. "Wait...but that's that Pinkie Pie! How's she here? The Author said no same universes except in certain specific cases, and this wasn't one of them!"

...Author? Celestia thought in confusion.

"It's why I allowed myself to be captured once I sensed you had arrived, Deadpool," Luna explained. "I knew that if you had affected Chrysalis, we'd be powerless against her. Getting captured let me get close enough to you to use my magic to manipulate your ability to break into other dimensions conditionally in order to bring somepony who could match Chrysalis as she was now." She jerked her head at the Spartan Pinkie. "She is who arrived."

"You can do that?' Deadpool asked. "Wait, I can do that? How powerful are you? How powerful am I?" He posed dramatically. "I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!"

"I didn't know if it would work until I tried it," Luna admitted.

Deadpool grinned widely through his mask. "And that is why you're best Princess, Luna."

"What?" Celestia and Luna asked, Luna flustered and Celestia confused.

"Sun-butt's a chessmaster, those are boring," Deadpool began. "Love-butt's almost Disney levels of fairy tale, gag me. Twilight's neurotic. But you're the anti-hero on the redemption arc. You're awesome! You're my favorite!" He then whipped out a foot tall figurine of Luna in one of her more dramatic poses, carved out of dark blue Tanzanite.

Luna could not suppress the blush that rose at such praise.

On the throne, Chrysalis chuckled wickedly. "This is going to be fun."

An hour later, Pinkie and Chrysalis were still fighting. The amassed Changeling hordes were in a circle to watch. Deadpool sat with ShiShi in his lap, Thirty-Thirty and Discord to his left, and Luna and Celestia to his right. They watched with varying degrees of fascination, awe, or terror, depending on the pony. One of the horse Changelings kept bringing them snacks, everything from popcorn and soda to hot dogs, hamburgers, salads, and other such things.

"You will not be able to best me, Pink One!" Chrysalis proclaimed. "I can regenerate from any wound, and so long as I have my father's love, my magic is infinite!"

"And I have the Urns of Gaia and Olympus equipped and active!" Pinkie replied. "The blessings of the Gods and Titans make my health and magic power infinite!"

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "We'll be at this all day."

"Fun, isn't it?" Pinkie called back.

Chrysalis' answering grin was absolutely vicious.

Deadpool grinned widely as he watched the battle. "Go get her, Chrysi!" he called out, cheering.

"You know, Wade," Stuffy spoke up, "I'm a bit surprised you aren't getting more involved in this. Even without anything in the chapter title saying 'Epilogue', it's plain this is the last chapter of the story, the denouement. Ending the story with a bang. How come you aren't out there hogging the spotlight?"

"Because it's not my story," Deadpool replied easily, devouring another hot dog.

"...Come again?" Stuffy asked.

"I know I just did!" Cray-Chry called out.

Chuckling, Deadpool continued. "This isn't my story," he explained. "It never was. I may have played a major role...but from the day she arrived, this has been Chrysi's story. It's about her, not me. This spotlight is hers." He sighed softly. "That's what being a parent is all about."

Silence greeted that statement for a time. "...wow, Wade," Stuffy said at last. "That's...really mature of you. Maybe you're starting to grow up-"

Deadpool leapt to his feet. "Chimichangas for everyone!" he shouted at the top of his voice.

In moments, the entirety of Canterlot was buried under a mountain of chimichangas.

"...I stand corrected," Stuffy muttered as many began eating their way out.

"Oh, cherry flavor!" Luna called out eagerly.

"So does that make them Chimicherries, or Cherrychangas?" Pinkie asked.

Quit pulling my strings!

Deadpool was lazing around his apartment, waiting for the story to start. Since the story was text based, he knew he'd been stuck into some fanfic again, since a professional author would have appropriate cover art for a story starring such a magnificent character.

"Damn straight!" Deadpool proclaimed. "So when's the story starting?"

Deadpool was distracted from his fourth wall breaking-

"No I wasn't!"

-by a sudden knock on the door. He went to open it-

"No, actually I think I'm going to waste time piddling about my apartment first."

-only to find that the Author was having none of that shit and hadn't bothered to write in the rest of his messy, disgusting, bachelor apartment, as there would be plenty of time for that later in the story and for right now Deadpool was going to get up off his ass and get back to the plot.

"We'll see about that!" Deadpool snapped petulantly. "I wasn't petulant!" Deadpool pulled out his phone. "Yo, Author!"

However, the Author refused to take his calls.

"Is that so?" Deadpool demanded. "We'll see about that!" He pulled out a detonator and pressed the switch. His head promptly exploded. "That wasn't supposed to happen!" he proclaimed as soon as his head finished regenerating.

Little did he know yet, but he was dealing with a George of the Jungle style author-

"Well, shit!"

-who had relocated all of Deadpool's author-threat bombs into Deadpool's own body-

"We'll see about that!" Deadpool proclaimed, pulling out his detonators.

-and wasn't going to tell him which had been relocated into his junk.

Deadpool froze. "You wouldn't," he growled.

The Author waited patiently for Deadpool to try his luck. After all, it would be no skin off the Author's nose however many times Deadpool experienced his junk vaporizing, only to grow back in an agonizingly painful manner.

Deadpool grumbled something about button pushing overlords. "This is so not in my contract!" he complained.

"We signed a contract?" Crazy asked. "I don't remember that!"

"I don't believe we actually did," Stuffy replied. "Fanfiction, remember?"

Sighing, Deadpool walked to the door and threw it open. "Show me the plot!" he shouted, pointing his guns straight ahead of him.

There was nobody there.

"Eh?" Deadpool asked confused. "Where's the plot? I want the plot!"

There was a small squeak from his feet.

"Mouse!" he shouted, swinging his guns downward. "XP's XP-"

His voice was cut off as he saw what was at his feet. Inside a large box labeled 'The Plot', a tiny black creature roughly the shape of a pony looked up at him. She had a bright green mane and tail, a tiny horn in the center of her forehead, holes in her four legs and insectoid wings, glowing green eyes, and was about the size of a football. She squeaked rather pathetically again.

"Oh my gosh she's adorable!" Crazy called out. "Can we keep her?"

"Considering the nature of the story and the Author's other works, I'm assuming the answer being 'yes' is the entirety of this story's plot," Stuffy replied.

"So that's why the box is labeled 'The Plot'!" Crazy replied. "I thought it was a clopper joke!"

"...I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that," Stuffy scolded.

"Aww, ain't she cute!" Deadpool said aloud finally. "You know, normally this would be the point where I'd say I don't care anymore and shoot you full of holes, but..." Reaching out a hand, he wriggled his finger around inside one of the holes in the tiny creature's legs. "It looks like someone beat me to it."

The tiny creature giggled, and proceeded to eat Crazy's text box.

"Help! She's eating me alive! ...It's kinda fun."

"She's going to fit right in around here."

Smiling, Deadpool carried the tiny creature in "What's your name, little lady?" he asked.

"Kithawithle!" the tiny female replied eagerly.

"Kiss a whistle?" Deadpool asked. "Why would I do that?"

"Why are we even asking her?" Stuffy asked. "We know who she is."

"We do? How?"

"Ignoring the fact that we can look outside the story and read the descriptions...there's the Princess Luna figurine carved from dark blue Tanzanite on our desk, there's the Fluttershy plushy in our bed, and the fact that we're wearing a That's My Pony Pinkie Pie T-shirt over our costume. We're a brony, we know who this little one is."

"True, but it's fun hearing her try and say her name!" Deadpool pointed out.

"True!"

"I suppose I can't argue with that."

"So what's your name, little 'ling nymph?" Deadpool asked again in a cutesy voice.

"Kitha! Witha!" Chrysalis complained.

"Crystal Whistle?" Deadpool asked.

"Hey, that'd be a great name if she were disguised as a Crystal Pony to infiltrate the Crystal Empire to feed on the Crystal Heart!"

"And exactly how long would she go under that name until someone asked to blow her?"

"Apparently not long, Stuffy!"

"...I can't believe I walked right into that one."

"Me neither!" Deadpool added. "That's a first!" He bounced Chrysalis on his knee, watching her giggle happily. "Things are going to be tons of fun with you around!"

Giggling, Chrysalis continued to bounce until her tummy started to gurgle. Then she looked up at Deadpool with cute, begging eyes.

"Is my adorable little Changeling Queen hungry for love?" Deadpool asked in a voice so syrupy he gave himself type 2 diabetes on top of everything else, not that he'd notice without reading the narration text. "Well I've got just what you need!" Lifting Chrysalis by her forelegs, he began blowing raspberries on her belly.

Chrysalis shrieked and giggled, energy flowing off of Deadpool to be collected by her horn and absorbed into her body.

"And there she goes feeding on our love," Stuffy commented dryly.

"Then how come we aren't feeling weaker and turning into a love-slave zombie?"

"According to the Author's notes on the story, our healing factor restores our energy faster than she can leech it off of us."

"Do you two mind?" Deadpool demanded. "I'm trying to enjoy feeding time!"

"Sorry."

Grinning - not that it could be seen - Deadpool continued to blow raspberries on the shrieking Changeling nymph's belly, making her giggle all the more.

Do you want to be my brother? Well, too bad! You are!

Deadpool returned home later that day, his job not having taken anywhere near as long as anticipated. That, and when he was finished he hopped to the start of the chapter to make it home sooner. "Chrysi, I'm hoo-oome!" he called as he opened the door.

"Daddy!" Chrysalis called happily, buzzing through the air to land in his arms, hugging him tight.

"You're back early," ~~Wolverine~~ Uncle Fuzzy said as he lounged back in a spare chair.

"Did a rush job, with a hop skip jump to get home in time to put Chrysalis to bed," he replied. "She's never gone to bed without a goodnight kiss, and I didn't want her sleep to be troubled." He turned back to the nymph in his arms. "So did you have fun with Mr. not-sure-what-to call-him-now?" he asked, gesturing at ~~Wolverine~~ Uncle Fuzzy.

"Uncle Fuzzy is the bestest!" Chrysalis crowed happily.

Deadpool laughed uproariously. "Uncle Fuzzy, I love it! I'ma call you that from now on!" He then went back through the chapter and 'corrected' the name scheme.

Uncle Fuzzy groaned. "I'm never going to escape that name now, am I?"

"Not in this story, bub!" the mad merc proclaimed happily.

Uncle Fuzzy rolled his eyes. "Pizza's going to be here soon. Hungry?"

"I'm so hungry, I could eat the delivery boy!" Deadpool proclaimed. "Or girl, but that'd be a different sort of eating!"

"Eat her fish taco?" Chrysalis asked curiously.

"I didn't teach her that!" Uncle Fuzzy said quickly.

"Did your Mama teach you that?" Deadpool demanded. Chrysalis nodded eagerly. "Geeze, and I was counting on her to be the responsible parent!"

"Who is her Mom?" Uncle Fuzzy asked curiously.

"Death."

Uncle Fuzzy merely blinked. "Should have known." There was a knock on the door. "I'll get it." Jumping to his feet, he collected the pizzas and paid the delivery boy.

"So what did you get?" Deadpool asked Chrysalis.

She threw her hooves in the air excitedly. "Cheese and garlic and anchovies and honey and people bits!"

Deadpool gasped. "I didn't know the local pizzeria served people bits! I've been gypped for years!"

"They don't," Uncle Fuzzy pointed out as he took a tray of meat chunks out of the oven. "I'm adding them for her." Opening up the smallest pizza box, he scattered the meat chunks over the pizza contained therein amongst the glistening anchovies.

"Where'd you get the people bits?" Deadpool asked curiously as he opened one of the other boxes. "And how'd you know my favorite variety?"

"The freezer, and I asked for one of your usuals," Uncle Fuzzy replied, opening the third box to reveal his pizza. "Also, the little lady's picked out a movie for during dinner."

Turning to the DVD player, Deadpool spied the movie box. "Nightmare Before Christmas? I love that movie! How'd you know, Chrysi?"

"I pick it cause he's bony like Mama!" Chrysalis proclaimed happily, pointing to Jack Skelington on the cover.

"This is going to be so much fun!" Deadpool said eagerly. "I get to show you a special trick I do for one of the songs!"

The trio sat eating their pizzas and watching the movie, Chrysalis in her Daddy's lap in one chair, with Uncle Fuzzy in the other. As Jack's Lament began, Deadpool began singing along. He had a good singing voice, surprisingly enough, and pitched it to harmonize well with Jack's, neither overpowering it nor being lost in it.

"And since I am dead," he sang, "I can-" Reaching up, he popped his head off his neck. "-take off my head to recite Shakespearean quotations!"

Unnoticed to him, Chrysalis had mirrored his actions, though she wasn't singing.

"No animal or man-" He popped his head back on, but something felt wrong. He glanced down at Chrysi, only to see his own legs. Glancing up, he and Chrysi both let out a scream just as Jack said 'scream'.

"Did I forget to mention she started super healing today?" Uncle Fuzzy asked dryly as they quickly switched heads back.

"I get to be Piccolo tomorrow!" Deadpool proclaimed happily. Chrysalis clapped happily.

"So...how come you enjoy this movie so much?" Uncle Fuzzy asked. "I wouldn't think it'd have enough excitement and explosions for you."

Deadpool shrugged. "I dunno. I guess...I just identify with Jack, for some reason."

As Uncle Fuzzy became lost in thought, Chrysalis sat back to watch the movie happily.

Eventually, the movie came to a close, with all three singing along with the "What's This?" reprisal. As the movie ended, Chrysalis looked up at Deadpool hopefully. "Can we steal Christmas?" she asked eagerly.

"Oh dear god," Uncle Fuzzy whispered under his breath. For he knew those words would give Deadpool an idea...a wonderfully awful idea.

"This year," Deadpool proclaimed, "Christmas will be...ours!"

Uncle Fuzzy groaned as Chrysalis cheered. Then she began singing.

"Kidnap the Sandy Claws
Take bites off his face!
Steal all of the presents and
The dawn we will race!

Deadpool applauded her song happily as Uncle Fuzzy took a swig of beer.

After a time, Chrysalis played herself out and flopped over onto the floor, snoring gently. Deadpool gently carried her back into the bedroom, tucking her in and kissing her goodnight.

Uncle Fuzzy watched curiously. "You know, I never would have thought you'd make a good parent if I hadn't seen it myself."

Deadpool chuckled. "I know what you mean, bro. I didn't think I'd be a good parent either until Cable convinced me otherwise."

Uncle Fuzzy chuckled. "Yeah, I suppose you would-bro?"

"Well, if you're her Uncle, you have to be either my brother or her Mom's," Deadpool explained. "Who'd you rather have as a sibling? Me or Lady Death?" When he didn't respond right away, Deadpool prompted, "Well?"

"I'm thinking," Uncle Fuzzy replied.

"Ooh...we just got burned!"

"And by Logan...James...Wolverine no less."

"His name is Uncle Fuzzy!"

"Being burned by Uncle Fuzzy doesn't have anywhere near the weight as a statement."

Uncle Fuzzy stretched. "I just know you're going to start training her tomorrow. Okay if I crash on your sofa so I can be here for that...bro?"

Though it wasn't visible, Deadpool grinned widely. "Sure thing...bro."

Three Trials?

Cable did his best to blast the enemies that kept showing up as he waited for Deadpool and Chrysalis to arrive. As he fired away, he idly wondered what was taking so long, when he heard a strange voice reciting poetic fiction.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son. The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jub Jub bird, and shun-"

A massive dragon burst through the wall into the massive chamber.

"-the frumious Bandersnatch!" the dragon finished as it exhaled a fireball that incinerated several enemies.

"Hey look, it's Cable!" Deadpool shouted out from atop the dragon's head.

"Hi Cable!" Chrysalis shouted out, waving. "Don't eat him, Conny!" she instructed the dragon.

Cable could only stare. "...what the fuck, Wade?!" he demanded.

"She wanted it!" Deadpool replied. "How could I say no?"

Cable shook his head, deciding not to question that part. "...Conny?"

"We thought he was British at first!" Chrysalis explained. "Then we realized he's voiced by Sean Connery!"

"It's the Dragonheart dragon!" Deadpool called happily.

"...reciting Jabberwocky?" Cable asked in disbelief.

"The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!" the dragon roared as it tore several enemies to bits.

"Out of order," Cable clarified.

"He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!"

Deadpool scratched his chin as he watched the dragon - under Chrysalis' player controls - rip the enemies to shreds. "How did High Moon pay for all this? The copyrights and the special effects?"

"Chrysalis' agent took over the financial side of the game," Cable explained. "Both paying for everything and negotiating for the rights to use various things."

"I'm still surprised we got the rights to Jabberwocky and Dragonheart," Deadpool pointed out. "I mean, some of those people are quite stubborn-"

"As I understand it, anyone who refused to sell got eaten," Cable explained. "Since this meant Yog-Soggoth absorbed their essence, he got three judges to rule that, legally, he was those people now."

"Really?" Deadpool asked in shock.

"As I understand, the three rulings went, 'Oh god, please don't kill me I'll say whatever you want', 'The eye of your skull holds the secret', and 'Hoyo!'"

Deadpool blinked. "The last judge was Kirby?"

"Apparently, he felt a kinship with Yog-Soggoth in this regard," Cable explained. "There were a few complaints at first, but immediately after anyone heard them, the complainers promptly changed their tune...and turned pink."

"O frabjuos day! Calloh! Callay!" the dragon proclaimed as the last enemy fell. For no apparent reason, it then proceeded to dance the futterwacken.

Deadpool stared in shock. "...did Yoggy eat Tim Burton?"

"Maybe Yoggy is Tim Burton!" Crazy suggested.

"...I'd buy that," Stuffy admitted.

Cable decided, for the sake of his sanity, not to question anything involving an Elder God, Deadpool, or Chrysalis...listed in reverse order of insanity. "At any rate, we need to stop Clone-Face! He's-"

"Doing crazy things with the balance of life and death which threatens the stability of the space-time continuum," Deadpool replied. "Lady Death already told us. Also..." He pulled his mask up. "Apparently, Chrysalis thinks this is the face of a father, too!"

"Daddy!" Chrysalis called out. "Put your face back on before Conny mistakes you for carrion! I'm not digging through dragon poop to put you back together!"

"I...take it a lot has happened, then?" Cable asked.

"You betcha!" Deadpool thought for a bit. "Hey, Chrysi! Can I borrow your mecha T-rex?"

"Her what-"

Chrysalis promptly pulled her mecha T-Rex - last seen out of her saddlebags on her first day of school, and about the same size as the dragon she was now riding - out of her bags and dropped him next to Deadpool. "Mount up!" she called out. "But call him by name!"

"Right!" Deadpool shouted as he leapt to the Rex's back. "Ride on, Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom-Dino!"

The T-rex roared, and the two beasts began their forward march.

Shortly, they reached a gate sealed with three statues. Lady Death was waiting for them, dressed more normally.

"Atop this platform are three statues," Death explained. "Choose one, retrieve the spirit, and bring it here."

"Oh, this part's...kinda fun," Deadpool replied, reminiscing.

"Couldn't we do this another way?" Chrysalis asked.

Death paused. "Well, if you could mystically draw the spirits into the statues..."

A to have Deadpool do the trials.
B to have Chrysalis try magic.

"Wait, what now?" Stuffy asked as the control option popped up.

"If the players push A, Deadpool will clear the trials like he did in the original game, while we fight off the enemies attacking the gate with Cable," Stuffalis explained. "If they push B, Chrysalis will attempt to draw the spirits."

"B!" Crazy voted.

"B," Stuffalis added.

"B!" Cray-Chry voted eagerly.

"B!" Chrysalis voted.

"...even if I wasn't voting that way, it's already 4-2," Deadpool pointed out.

"Then lets make it unanimous for the novelization," Stuffy concluded.

Smiling, Chrysalis focused her magic. A green glow filled the chamber, and the air seemed to hum. Before everyone's eyes, three spirits flew towards them and circled the glow.

"Wow," Deadpool pointed out. "Didn't expect it to work so-"

"You must answer we, these questions three, or on the other side she shall be!" Chrysalis proclaimed in three voices that were not her own, her eyes glowing white.

"...and now Monty Python?" Deadpool demanded in surprise. "This is getting obscure."

"What is your name?" the voices demanded, Chrysalis looking up at him from her sitting position.

"Do they mean 'Wade Wilson' or 'Deadpool'?" Cable asked.

"Neither," Deadpool replied firmly. "They're talking from Chrysalis' perspective. My name is 'Daddy'."

Chrysalis smiled, and one of the spirits entered a statue. "What is your quest?"

"To stop Clone-Face?" Cable suggested.

"To restore the balance of life and death?" Lady Death offered.

"Nah," Deadpool replied. "I already did those in the solo campaign." Grinning, he knelt down to Chrysalis' level and stroked her mane. "My only quest now is to have fun with my little girl...and to be a good father to her."

Chrysalis' smile widened as the second spirit entered its statue. "What is the average velocity of a migrating swallow?"

"I know this one!" Cable points out. "You're supposed to ask African or European!"

"Nah!" Deadpool countered. "The spirit asked velocity, not speed. And it's supposed to be an answer true to me and Chrysi!" Pulling out his shotgun, he cocked it. "The answer is 9 meters per second per second...straight down."

The final spirit entered its statue, and Chrysalis leapt into Deadpool's arms, snuggling in as the catacombs began to crumble from the energies of the three spirits properly harnessed.