Fallout: Equestria - My Mother the Heroine

Shock.

Shock, sorrow, and above all: hate. These were the emotions that dominated my mind.

Shock because nothing had worked like it was supposed to work: this was supposed to be a small excursion; a staged rescue mission to make my son feel like a hero and give him the chance to be seen as one by somepony other than his family.

Sorrow because ... well, this should be obvious. From the day I had found him and his mother in the 'prison cell' of Stable Two, it had been clear that this day would come. He was a smart colt; a smart colt that questioned a lot of things. So I knew that it was only a matter of time until he would ask about his 'two mothers'.

Homage, Velvet Remedy, Calamity and me had spent a lot of time talking about this day; discussing about whether we should tell him upfront or let him find out by himself. In the end it had been Velvet and Homage who had prevailed, so that we had collectively agreed on not telling him anything and waiting until he would get on to it by himself. I would have preferred to tell him right away, but Velvet just seemed to have a smooth tongue when it came to arguing - the fact that Homage mostly shared her point of view, and Calamity -while originally agreeing with me- seemed to dread Velvet's 'methods of persuasion' (read: "Agree with me or no more pony-rides for you.") didn't really help me prove my point.

Well, now he had found out. And all things considered, his reaction hadn't been too surprising. But we all would have hoped for him to find out under regular circumstances - on a regular day in Tenpony Tower; better yet, on a weekend or during his holidays, so that he would have a clear mind and enough time to come to terms with the truth.

But now ... I could feel a tear running down my cheek.

It had hurt. It had hurt so damn much hearing these words coming from him; seeing him suffer; knowing that there was nothing I could do to help him - and it hurt even more to know that I was the reason for all this. If I had just killed this damned raider before he could have said too much! If I had just ... not taken a little colt into a raider-infested stable in the first place! Everyone in this world knew that this wasn't a place for foals! Why couldn't I have just listened to my common sense for once? Why did I have to come back here? Why did I have to bring him with me!?

My look went over to the dead body of Bonecracker laying in a puddle of his own blood a few feet away from me, and I could feel how the seething anger inside me turned into a boiling rage.

"You..." I growled, feeling how my body began to tremble with anger, "This is all your fault!" I shouted at the dead body, walking over to where he was laying, "If you could have just kept your fucking mouth shut!" I planted myself in front of him, "It would have all been good!" I yelled at him, my voice at the verge of breaking from the anger I felt.

The dead stallion didn't move by an inch. But I swear to Celestia, that was a grin on his crusted lips - a smug, shit-eating grin. Even in death he was grinning at me; mocking me with this fucking grin.

"You worthless, miserable piece of shit!" I cussed, one of my hooves shooting forward and giving him a hard kick into his testicles - a part of me was hoping he would flinch or at least gasp in pain.

But nothing happened; his heavy body barely moved at all.

In turn, I could feel a sharp sting of pain shooting through my leg. To be fair, I wasn't the fittest anymore, and while I had been outside for only a few hours, I could feel the wasteland draining my power reserves. My legs were getting weaker, my eyelids heavier, and I was sure it was only a matter of time until standing itself would be a challenge. I would need to get back to the Single Pegasus Project shortly if I didn't want to pass out.

Panting, blinking to stimulate my tired eyes, I looked down at Bonecracker. The bullet that had killed him and saved my life had gone straight through his head. As much as I disliked it in that moment, a part of me felt proud that my so- ... Nova was such a good shot. I didn't dare think about what would have happened if this one shot had missed.

My thoughts went back to him, and I could feel how the pain in my heart flared up again ... only that this time it was accompanied by a sudden realization: Nova was still out there - in the wasteland; unarmed, and all by himself - an easy target for ... just about anything out there!

And all of a sudden, all these negative emotions were gone: all the sorrow, all the anger, all the exhaustion and all the self-hate were suddenly replaced by one single alarming thought: my son was in danger!

Feeling how adrenaline shot back into my veins, I span around on the spot, not hesitating a second as I took off, running into the direction Nova had disappeared into, and leaving the dead body of Bonecracker behind to rot in the dusky atrium of Stable Two - not like he deserved anything better.

"Nova!" I shouted as I passed the doorframe we had come through earlier, hoping that he wasn't too far away yet and could still hear me.

I stopped for a moment, perking up my ears.

Nothing.

"Damit." I cussed and pressed on, passing a narrow, dusky hallway and dashing up a set of stairs. The darkness around me seemed to become more and more intense the further I went, but I ignored it - turning on my pipbuck light meant to stop, and I did not have time to stop! Nova was somewhere out there - or maybe he was still in the stable! Damnit, what if he would get lost!? He was just a little colt - being all alone in this horrible place must be terrifying for him!

My legs stiffened abruptly, and I slid to a halt just as I had passed another set of stairs. My breath caught in my throat. He was ... just ... a colt.

A faint sensation of weightlessness settled into my guts as I stood there, blankly staring into the darkness. Had I really ... made him do all this? Had I really taken a colt who had spent his whole life growing up in the safe and stable environment of Tenpony Tower into a raider-infested hellhole? And had I ... I ... really told a colt who wouldn't harm a fly to execute another pony?

I could feel my eyes glazing over as the integrity of things started to come crashing down on me.

How ... how could I have ever done that? How could I have ever let that happen? One of the most cheerful and innocent souls in all of Equestria, and I had put him through ... all this!

I felt my heart becoming heavy and tears forming in my eyes, but quickly caught myself - I could think about what a terrible mother I was when I had found him and made sure that he was alright, but for now his wellbeing was everything that counted.

And with that I freed myself from my stiffness, shook my head, and got under way again.

Now wasn't the time for thinking or feelings; now was the time to save my son.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing! No hoofsteps, no signs on the walls, not a single trace of Nova!

I didn't know how long I had spent running through the innards of Stable Two -  half an hour? Maybe two? I had lost each and every sense of time.

But I hadn't found him. Either he had found the way to the exit at one go and already was way out of my reach now, or he was hiding from me somewhere here in the Stable. Either way, my hopes to find him slowly crumbled away: even when assuming that he wasn't out there -alone, all by himself, and completely helpless- I probably wouldn't find him down here - he was excellent at hiding, and if he didn't want to be found I wouldn't find him.

Besides, I was sure that I had already passed through every single of the stable's rooms, searching for him, calling him, asking him to make some sort of noise.

That is...

I took in a shallow breath as I stopped in front of the dark set of stairs.

Every room but one.

I bristled as I looked down into the darkness. I didn't like being down there. I despised being down there!

Ever since I first made contact with the raiders, this room just ... made my skin creep - in more than just one way. I felt a feeling of sickness making itself noticeable in my throat at the thought of going down there again. It just ... hurt so much seeing what they had made of this room. And every second I spent in there just seemed to make it worse.

But I gave myself a mental kick and shook my head. What if Nova was down there? The chance was vanishingly low, but I couldn't just ignore it!

Drawing in another breath and feeling how my legs began to shake ever so slightly, I stepped forward, and walked down the two flights of stairs - into the pipbuck technician's room.

"Nova!" I shouted for the colt as I stepped into the room, trying not too look too closely at ... everything. It had been hard going back in here for the first time, but now... I held back a sob, pressing my eyes shut to stop the tears that were forming within them from getting out. This wasn't the time to get all sentimental about my old home. I ... I never liked this place anyway ... right?

I shook my head, directing my look back onto the devastated room in front of me. I had to blink again as it fell onto the abandoned workbenches at the side, and before I could help it my thoughts drifted back to the one day that had started it all - the day I had been standing on this very workbench. The day Velvet Remedy had come in here and asked me to replace the padding on her PipBuck.

I closed my eyes for just a second, and immediately saw myself standing in this very room so many years ago. Back then the only thing I had to be afraid of was dying of boredom - and the only thing on my mind was the gray wall in front of me.

Slowly, I opened my eyes again. That exact same wall was now punctured with bullet holes, and plastered with stains - blood, bile, and just about any other fluid a pony's body could produce.

But I quickly turned my head away, feeling the anger within me rising up again - that sort of anger that I knew would never fade. These raiders had broken into my home; had mutilated and devastated it beyond repair. It hurt seeing what they had made of it, and it hurt even more knowing that it would never be the same again; that I would never see it the same way again.

Trying to clear my thoughts, I shook my head again, looking away from the wall and once again shouting "Nova?"

But there was no reply.

Holding back a shiver, I looked over to the darkened doorframe that led into the backroom. There was no way he could be in there. Why should he be in there? Based on his reactions, this should be the last place he would want to go.

I wanted turn away, but hesitated.

Yes, the chances that he was in there were vanishingly low, but ... what if he was? Yes, this was one of the places I wouldn't expect him to go to save his life, but ... what if he had?

As much as my heart, my head, and just about anything else disliked the thought of going in there again, I knew that I would be cursing myself for the rest of my life if it would turn out that he had been hiding in there and I hadn't looked for him.

I swallowed, opening my mouth again and hesitantly repeating, "N-Nova? Are you in there?"

It was a vain attempt, and I knew it perfectly well. Even if he had -against all odds- decided to hide in there, he surely wouldn't have replied to me calling for him.

"Only one way to find out..." I muttered to myself before reluctantly stepping forward, and entering the darkness of what used to be my private quarters.

A new wave of sickness hit me as I stepped into the room. Even without any proper lighting I could see the stains on the floor, the markings on the walls ... and an emaciated white mare laying in a corner of the room, covered in her own blood, and holding a newborn foal in her arms.

I blinked as the flashback image slowly faded away, revealing an empty room - the stains on the walls and floor were still there -some probably even leftover from this day- but the mare was gone. So was the foal.

Trying to ban the images of what had happened in this room ten years ago from my head, I looked around and once again asked, "Nova?" though I already knew the answer.

Nothing but dead silence.

I sighed, dropping my head. He wasn't here; he wasn't in the stable. He was gone.

"I'm a terrible mother." I said to myself, ignoring the stains and puddles my hooves were standing in.

If only I had listened to him when he had said that he wanted to go home! If only I hadn't brought him here to begin with!

My look went back to the room behind me, and I remembered what had happened earlier: he had asked me if he could go home. He had begged me to just blow this all off, and I had just ignored him!

I numbly shook my head - I had known that he didn't feel comfortable doing this. I had known that it would have been the better choice to just go home, but ... it had made me angry. It had made me so damn angry seeing Stable Two; the place I grew up in; the place I used to call my home for almost half of my life like this! These raiders had mutilated my home; had turned my room into a prison cell where ponies were abused, raped, and Celestia-knows-what! I wanted revenge! These ponies had to pay for what they had done!

A sensation of coldness seemed to run over my back as the harsh reality caught up with me once again.

Yes, I had gotten my revenge. But it had cost me my son.

At once, I felt like cussing, screaming and breaking out in tears all over again, and I could already feel my legs giving in, about to break into another fit of anger, tears and rage.

But I caught myself this time.

Yes, this world wasn't fair, and yes, I was the stupidest, most incompetent parent Equestria had ever seen, but all this seemed almost ridiculously unimportant in this moment.

Nova was still somewhere out there. Somewhere. Probably miles away.

I sighed, knowing that my chances to find him were vanishingly low. The Equestrian Wasteland was huge, and while it was likely that he would try to head back to Homage and Velvet Remedy in Tenpony Tower, he was more likely to get lost than anything else. We might be able to search for him with the help of the MASEBS, but even that would probably end up taking several days. Homage could inform the wasteland about him as DJ-Pon3, but that also wasn't too promising, seeing how the area around Stable Two was sparsely inhabited.

And I didn't even want to think of the lecture that would await me once I would set hoof into Tenpony Tower. Homage and Velvet never liked it when I went on 'adventures' with Nova, and Calamity was the only one who knew about us heading to Stable Two today, so the surprise when they would find out that I had not only brought him into a devastated and raider-infested stable, but also put him through all this didn't promise to be so pleasant.

But none of all this mattered now! First I had to find him and make sure he was alright, then I could worry about the consequences of my actions.

I turned around, casting one last look over my shoulder at the room I used to call my home. This ... this was wrong on so many levels. For a moment I felt myself wanting to lock this place up forever; to seal it with concrete, or just burn it down entirely; find some way to erase all these atrocities that had been commited in this place for good.

But I couldn't. Not now. Not while Nova was still out there.

I had to find him. I knew that he probably was gone by now, but ... I couldn't just give up.

I had to find him.

I had to try.

I stepped outside, and the glaring sunlight blinded my eyes.

The rain had vanished, and so had the clouds. It was a magnificent day in the Equestrian Wasteland - bright blue skies, almost-green grass, and the distant scenery of a partly re-constructed Ponyville greeted my eyes as I left the stable.

Indeed, it seemed the day couldn't have been better; all it would have taken was an obligatory rainbow over the horizon and the impression of a perfect world on a perfect day would have been complete.

And yet, all it seemed to do was fuel fuel my anger. Everything around me; the shining sun, the blue sky, the peaceful and harmonious atmosphere, everything seemed to taunt me; make me feel like it was all smiles and sunshine and everything was fine, while in reality...

I could feel another pang of pain shoot through my heart.

"Nova!" I shouted, breathless and exhausted, but still with some hope left within me. "Nova!" My head shot around, searching my environment, hoping to find the red colt sitting somewhere and ... somehow making everything alright again.

But there was nothing - a big, dull, gray rock to my right, the abandoned ruins of Sweet Apple Acres half-hidden behind it, and nothing but deserted wasteland to my left. No signs of the pony I was looking for.

But I couldn't just stand there! I had to do something! Go somewhere! Just ... find him!

Ponyville! Ponyville was the first thing that came into my mind. He would head for the nearest bit of civilization, right? So what better place to start my search than there, right? He probably was already there and waiting for me, right?

Right?

"Nova!" I shouted again as I started to run, my voice hoarse, weaker, and about to break as I was nearing the verge of tears. Walking through the stable with Nova had been exhausting; fighting with Bonecracker had taken a serious toll on my health, and spending the past hour running through the ruins of my former home had drained any power I might have had left in my bones. If adrenaline hadn't replaced all the blood I had in my veins, I was sure standing upright would have been a near impossibility, let alone running like I was right now. "Nova, if you can hear me, I'm so-"

I cut myself off. My run slowed down to a canter, then to a walk, until I finally stopped, looking at who had just stepped from behind the rock in front of me.

I could feel my heart pound inside my chest. A hundred questions and even more emotions were running through my mind, but the look in his eyes managed to silence them all at once.

The black desperado hat on his head was lowered, granting me only a limited look on his eyes. But even then I could see that he didn't look reproachful, neither was there any trace of anger or disappointment in his eyes. No, he just looked ... regretful.

A few moments passed in silence as the two of us just stared at each other.

Finally, I looked away from him as my look went back to the big rock next to him. Perking up my ears, I could have sworn I heard voices coming from the other side - one of which sounded awfully similiar to that of Velvet Remedy. That meant they must have come after us after Velvet had found out where we had been headed - guess Calamity wasn't so good at keeping secrets after all.

And listening to the second voice -a colt's voice, apparently- quickly brought up a new suspicion in my head.

Counting one and one together, I looked back at my friend, then softly asked, "I-is he...?"

The pegasus slowly nodded his head, and I promptly stepped forward to walk around the rock.

But a hoof on my shoulder stopped me abruptly. "Pip..." Calamity said, his voice barely louder than a whisper, "Leave him alone. He needs some time to think."

I turned my head, looking back at him with wide eyes, "But..."

"He's with Velvet." my friend explained calmly, "He'll be fine. But he needs some time to come to terms with it all." Looking me in the eyes, he added, "An' Ah think you do, too."

I stood still for a moment, fighting with myself, but then let out a heavy sigh, dropping my shoulders.

I wanted to go to him! To see him! To hold him close and tell him how sorry I was for everything I had put him through!

But Calamity had a point. He probably wouldn't listen to me anyway. Not now, at least.

"You're right." I muttered numbly, softly shoving his hoof off my shoulders, "I think some alone time would be good for both of us." I lowered my head, a strong feeling of shame rising up within me as my worries began to fade, "Thanks for ... keeping an eye on him. I don't know what would have happened if-"

"It's fine." he cut me off briefly, mustering me from underneath his hat, a deadpan look in his eyes. "That's what family's for."

Despite everything, I could feel a ghost of a smile hushing over my face for just a second, before I shook my head, sighed again and said, "I ... I'll catch up with you later. Don't wait for me."

A brief “Mm-hmm.” was all I received in return before I turned around and walked off, hoping that, somehow, things would be better by the time I would arrive.

I passed by the rock after taking a few steps, stopping for a moment as I heard the awfully familiar voices again.

"Canni-balls?" his voice sent a shudder through my body. It sounded hoarse; beaten, exhausted from what lay behind him, but at the same time still sounded so harmless, so ... innocent. "I-isn't that a brand for snacks?"

A second voice let out a long, pained sigh. "No..." that was Velvet Remedy's voice. Just like Calamity, she didn't sound angry or reproachful. No, in this moment, all that was in her voice was pain; pain and a tad of regret. "No, Nova. Cannibals aren't snacks. They're ... they're ponies that ... that eat..." she cut herself off, swallowing.

The next part was muffled, so I couldn't hear what exactly she was saying, but Nova's reaction left little to be imagined.

"W-what? What!? They eat ... what!?" His voice, high-pitched from his horror, made me want to hug him; comfort him and tell him that everything would be alright, but I controlled myself - it was better to not interrupt the two at the moment, "B-but how ... how can they? I mean ... this is ... this is just wrong!"

Another heavy sigh came from Velvet, followed by a moment of silence. I knew how wrong this was - eavesdropping on my friends while they were doing what I had failed to do. But as much as I fought with myself, I couldn't get myself to turn around and walk away.

"This was her reaction too." she finally brought out, her voice weak, melancholy. "We all were shocked, but she..." she drew in a short breath, "Even more than us."

"What do you mean?" Now the innocence in his voice was gone, replaced by mistrust, dread and anger. "W-what did she do?"

Another uncomfortably long moment of silence followed.

"You see, when your mo- Littlepip ... when she found out about their ... secret, she..." Velvet started, but cut herself off, "She just ... lost control. She wasn't herself anymore. And she had no control over what she was doing."

"She killed them, didn't she?"

The question was obvious, and given the context nothing more than a logical conclusion, but it came with such coldness, such sobriety, that it left me and, based on the awkward silence that followed, Velvet as well, speechless.

"I knew it." Now his voice just sounded plain deadpan, "She does that often, doesn't she?"

I turned away, covering my nose with a hoof to hold back a sob. I couldn't take this anymore. How could one mare fuck up so badly? How could I ruin everything we had been working on in just one afternoon?

Shaking my head in pure disbelief, I started walking. Somewhere. Away from where Velvet Remedy was trying her best to do damage control.

But I couldn't stand hearing this anymore. I just ... couldn't. I needed some time to come to terms with the fact that I had ruined everything; that my own son took me for a cold-blooded murderer!

Numbly trotting over the dusty ruins of Sweet Apple Acres, I slowly lifted my head, and my eyes spotted the decaying remains of the farmhouse up ahead - the first place I had visited after leaving Stable Two.

My head sank again.

Maybe back to the roots was the right way to go.

Looking at my surroundings, it was the only way to go as well.