Lonely

“Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two conflicting ideas simultaneously.” – Joseph Buchanan

“Oh! Hey! Hey Thomas!” Rainbow Dash shouted out, getting my attention. She was approaching me happily. I was slightly started that I had made my way out of my home, but I guess it doesn’t matter right now…

“Oh… hey Rainbow Dash…” I hesitantly return. At least we both aren’t on bad terms…

Then out of nowhere, she lifted up her forelegs and stretched them out. As soon as I saw this, I immediately became nervous as my heart pumped faster. She noticed my unresponsive behaviour and commented. "C'mon, Tommy! I'm not gonna bite!"

Why does she suddenly want to hug me? I… guess it is best not to ask. But I still looked away for a moment, biting my lip. Do… no. You know what happened when you… hugged her last time. You… do you want to take the embarrassment?

But have confidence, Thomas… She is your friend, right…? Didn’t you say that she was your friend…? You… need to have confidence if… you want to have friends. Even if your mind has a few points, don’t you want friends…?

I exhaled a very heavy breath. I’m going to accept the offer. She is your friend…

I slowly lifted my hooves to accept the offer, even if I still was hesitant. And… I should ignore my heart burning…

“Hahahaha! Don’t make me laugh!” I heard some d-deep and f-fa-familiar v-voice… No…

Before I could even place my hooves around Dash, I was forcefully pushed down to the ground from behind me, as Rainbow Dash moved out of the way with a giant smirk. Before she then looks disgruntled… W-what? “Ugh!” She expressed, now looking down at me, angrily. “You really think that I’m your friend!? That I would want to touch a pony like you?!”

I rolled over on my back, to at least look at her… to see… him. No. You… shouldn’t be here right now…

“Haha! You think you can ever have friends, Multi!?” He bursts out laughing, as him, Rainbow Dash and the rest of those mares joined by their side, all having irritated moods and complaining to me about the same issue, above my grounded position, laughing, pointing…

…no. They… Are you serious…? I thought they were supposed my friends… I thought they were my friends… I said there were… I gave them a chance… I can’t ever have a friend… I…I don't even understand anything anymore…

Their hurtful words kept hitting me, impactful statements that I probably won’t ever forget…

I’ll always be lonely…

Ah! No! No, no, no, no! No. No… It’s only a dream, Thomas! It’s only a dream! It’s not real! It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real…

I was panicking as I was breathing in quick heavy breaths. My heart was racing again as I felt like I was sweating, throwing off the covers of my bed as I tried to calm myself down. So many emotions and feelings and thoughts were crowding into my mind for me to even comprehend all at once. My mind was having a party that became out of control that I couldn’t do anything about.

The breaths that I took were getting slower over time, minutes on end, but were still heavy. At least… I’m trying to clear my mind to make sense of everything. At least I can contain myself from crying again, like every other night. Must be a confidence thing. I could make out some light of the sun that was getting through the sides of the window curtain. Guess it’s a sunny day…

…and yet my house was still full of darkness. Mainly. There are many dark shadows in my home that I can barely make anything out whenever I walk, almost bumping into things accidentally.

I sighed in relief. My heart rate was now back to normal, if it even can be recognised as ‘normal’, and I no longer have the need to breath in a panic. At least this time I could calm myself down. Ugh… Why… did I have that dream? I thought my… let’s call it ‘conversation’ with Princess Celestia yesterday, or last night, helped me with my nightmares. Did my ‘power’ wear off? Or… was it only temporal considering her power was who fought off those demons in my mind…

I sigh again. This time in defeat, maybe. I thought my nightmares would be ridden forever. Well, as if. At least for a little while. Not a… few hours. A few hours. Did the Princess lie to me? Did she give me all that… confidence for only her safety? So that she could be saved while I only remain lonely. Did…

…she use me?

No. No she couldn’t. Couldn’t she? The way she talked to me, the words that she did speak… It’s hard for me to believe that she only used me. There isn’t any way that she just used me. She… her words confined truth. Her peaceful and motherly voice… she helped me through getting rid of my… temporal nightmare, he helped me with finding the right way to… save my new ‘friends’… She couldn’t have used me. She even got her own sister back…

Must be the paranoia. Has to be. Ugh.

Her sister… Princess Luna knows, she might know, that I wanted to kill myself at the cliff, and that she witness the entire ordeal, before… inadvertently saving my life really… where I then saved the others. She knows what… I had gone through? She might… She may even confront me about it to… No. As if she would waste her time wanting to help me. She was probably try and get to know the country again… why would she waste her time with me…

But yeah. Inadvertently… She made me save their lives. Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity… Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash… even the mares who once bullied me, I consider them my friend. Princess Celestia showed me that they are my friend, even the ponies that I had never met before or once (except for Pinkie Pie annoying)… Because I’m an Element of Harmony. I represent Purity… it must be due to the fact that I can forgive… yet not forget…

Those nightmares will always resurface, one way or another. I didn’t really know what to think before I went to sleep about my nightmares. I didn’t even give them a thought, not that I can remember anyways. And that pony… stallion… dominant… he will always be there. Yet his companion and his this new pegasi that I had never seen before… It must be a sign. He must be involved in this… whatever this is… somehow. Yet to what?

And… the six mares that I called my friend. They were there in my dreams. My nightmares. Laughing at me. Insulting me… Acting nothing like they were yesterday… Rainbow Dash turning on me… she was the one who hurt me the most in my vision that I had. She expressed her words, though I don’t really know if they were honest. She said that she wasn’t my friend… that she would never touch a pony like me…

But… how am I supposed to believe this nightmare. Was it a sign of the future? That this vision was something that could potentially occur in the future… That they would betray me? That I wouldn’t ever be their friend. And… that I would never have a true friend? I don’t know… This is what my mind sees, I guess. And this is what my mind is telling me… Don’t trust them.

But Princess Celestia’s words that she spoke to me… Follow your heart. Always look back whenever you need help. And my heart told me to save those six ponies… And, yeah. I should trust what my heart says, more than my mind. My heart is trying to change the opinion of the paranoid mind, I think. That all ponies are the same… But there could be exceptions…

I don’t know. So much to think this morning… I really should think all this right now… I should get out of my home… And… do something. I don’t really fear ponies chatting about me… they probably could care less. I got up from my bed, and pulled the covers back over where I noticed there was still sweat in my bed. I guess I need to clean my bed. Some time. Maybe later. Actually, I wonder how long that has been there. Well, it’s not like anypony comes into my home but me… I need a wash anyways…

I may my way into the bathroom, ignoring whatever could be in that mirror. I honestly don’t care if that face shows up. He could be there. He could have disappeared. It’s best not to look to find out… Don’t let curiosity get the best of you… You have other things to think about, whether they are important. Man… my eyes still hurt kind of. I still feel very tired. I don’t know when I knocked out last night… must have been late in the night. I may have only slept for… for… hours.

I stepped into the shower, slowly after my forelegs refused to move, again. This time, I had no idea why. I guess my body may hate the shower, or the bathroom for the matter. I dislike that pony that I always see in any reflection. Minutes passed, unsure how many, before I eventually turned on the taps once more. At first it was cold water for a few moments. I didn’t flinch from how it felt, I barely made any movement. I’m not really given any reason to clean myself other than sweat forming while I was sleeping due… to nightmares. I just feel so tired. That might be why I can’t be bothered to get in the shower.

There are many things that I need to think about… the events of the past day. I… How do I start? I can’t really focus with the hot water running through my coat. But I’m always good at focusing for… reasons… Okay… Where to start…? Um, those mares. Fluttershy… Her… At first, she misunderstood and thought that I had laughed at her at that ‘assertive’ seminar… or something like that. And… decided to target and threaten me… like any other bully. Typically. She seemed… I couldn’t think of it then… but something seemed off. She looked different from when I first looked at her… she seemed shy and… maybe even kind. Innocent. That’s what she even looked like when I saw her at the old castle. Only a little more confident. But she was still hiding her face behind her mane… And that…

She seemed very frightened at my presence. That she looked like she was terrified of me. She feared me. I could understand why they were all shocked when I saved them… But that was genuine fear, when I truly notice her body movement. Not acting. It didn’t look staged. She… She… that must have been guilt… Was she afraid of me being a bully? That I would get… my revenge somehow? I… wonder… How… What led her to be that mean? If she is… as kind as Twilight said, explaining that her Element was kindness… I experienced all but kindness…

I’m not exactly sure about her. But… my heart want me to forgive her. I just ignored whatever my mind said. I want to forgive her…

…now… Rainbow Dash. I… Sighs. I’m still not clear on her either. I… ugh. I don’t… At first, she threatened with, I’m going to assume is my life. In protection of Fluttershy, I can only guess that seemed reasonable. I don’t know what she went through or what she was thinking… But I wonder if Fluttershy was ever bullied in life. Rainbow Dash said that she was the kindest pony that she had ever known… At the time… A few weeks ago… What else was I supposed to think? I got the impression that every other pony was as nasty as her… though Pinkie Pie was annoying. Yet…

The way she wanted to make up with me. The fact that she even decided to apologize still astonishes me… But, she decided to take her own time from the party, from her having her own definition if ‘fun’ to want to… not only to apologize to me but, to get me back to the party? Why? Why did she even care about my presence? And she was the only one who noticed…? Well, I’m not sure about that. But she did take her time… It was probably out of guilt. And… she even sat in silence with me as we both sat up in the sky. Maybe she isn’t as bad as first thought, even if she did push me at the end… She let me go home alone. She may have followed me, but I guess it doesn’t matter.

Wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t give me a second thought. Sighs…

The other mares, well, I barely even know them to give them a full thought. I have enough time in the day to give a thought… Rarity, I had never met before personally, only a glance when she helped me at the incident. She looks quite beautiful and elegant, but I don’t even know her. And I don’t have any sort of crush on her. Or anypony for that matter…

Pinkie Pie… is stubborn, I guess. She is quite colourful, her mane and tail looks…. Bubbly? Fluffy? Not sure. But it doesn’t really look natural. Her personality… she is hyperactive, excitable, quirky, and outgoing… Very opposite of what I am. And to me, at face value, she is quite annoying. Like when she refused to leave me alone when she claimed Fluttershy wanted to apologize to me (she honestly may), and wanted to be my friend. When we met for the first time, she wanted to throw a party for me because I’m new to this town… Woah. I… am unsure over her right now.

I’m not sure of what to think about Applejack. I only met her once, and… I don’t know, really. I asked an order for a month’s worth of food, when she ‘friendly’ accepted it, and respectfully (maybe) didn’t give any comment. Kind of. She noticed that I didn’t eat much… wonder what that could mean. She seemed nice. She wanted… me to come to a family lunch or something, when I had never even met her before. Huh… And her little sister… Seems nice. Though I don’t know what to think of foals… Again, I wouldn’t know.

…but the final mare. Twilight. I have been thinking for who knows how long, over where I had seen her before. Never in this town before the castle event… thing, but somewhere in the world… That purple and lavender mane… I swear… Why can’t I put my hoof on where I remember… some mane like that? Maybe it was in Canterlot… Or… no. She was never there. And I… don’t think it was ever in Canterlot. I was only there for a few hours for… a school thing. Ugh, Nevermind. She seemed like the main pony of the six. Or the smartest anyways that I noticed. She seemed to know about the story of Nightmare Moon, and the story of the Elements of Harmony… and she seemed smarter when we conversed when leaving the castle on the way back. Or really, her talking and I occasionally asking questions.

Well, these are the new supposed ‘friends’ in my life as of right now. I don’t know for how long they will last as being my friend. No. It’s best not to think about it. Don’t think about how they will… Ugh. Okay, okay. Okay. How… do I be a friend? Do I… hang around them? Do I try and learn about them? Do I have to… share information… about me? I don’t like the sound about the last one. I… don’t even know how to be a friend. I wouldn’t know… Would that they even waste their own time trying to know me? I doubt that they would. I’m boring, plain, uninteresting… but special in some way. Only one way. Maybe… I don’t know.

I turn off the taps and get out of the shower after maybe half an hour of thought of many other things, and some that I’d rather forget. I shook myself dry as best that I could, again. I need to buy a towel… and go outside to the markets… Ugh. I might as well get it over with. Some time. Later. Not in the morning in like a few minutes. Or right now. I still feel tired. I moved out of the room, trying very hard to not get any glimpse at the mirror. I’d rather not deal with him today. Too many things will happen today, and… Ugh. Don’t look, Thomas…

Now… what? What should I do, now? Maybe breakfast… I think that would be a good idea right now. I don’t really have anything else to do. Drawing is too much of a waste of time… And these musical instruments keep… would you leave me alone? I can’t ignore them every time I move past them. They… stare. I can’t tell if it’s a cold one. They just stare. And that isn’t natural… Though I couldn’t really tell.

Hmm… At least I have milk… from… How? Wait. There’s more food here than… yesterday. W-what? Was somepony here? In my home? And… put food in my… okay. I don’t know… Why would anypony give me free food and drink…? There’s a few boxes of cereal that wasn’t here before (I had ran out) and a few of these fruits also weren’t here before. And… cupcakes. Quite a few of them. Err… I don’t know. Were… they leftovers from yesterday’s party…? I don’t know… Why would anypony care…?

I really need a lock.

Actually, now that I notice it, there was this letter on the table. How I didn’t notice this when I first came down those stairs… must have been the piano and the guitar. They probably are still staring at me from behind, but I’m choosing to ignore them. I walked over to the table and sat on the chair for… comfort. I could still see the drawing that I left on the table… that unfinished attempt of… lines that has… no context towards them.

Now… Sighs… Just ignore the drawing. It doesn’t really matter. Now… let’s see what this says… I think it’s best to think about it after I had read it in my mind…

Hello Thomas

I am hither, sending thou a letter to… talk to thou about the events of the past day. Um… what? What is with the old dialect? I guess my mind has other ideas about thinking about this after reading. I don’t think I… ugh. I don’t know really. I wonder why she is even taking her time to talk about… yesterday. I wouldn’t have mind if she really did come over and talk to me about it. Maybe… even if it will be very, very awkward… and uncomfortable. And silent most of the time. And I couldn’t really understand her Old Equish (?) dialect… Yeah, forget I said anything.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t speak to thou personally after the party, as Celestia had summon'd me to wot the new royal capital of Equestria, Canterlot. Okay, I guess that makes sense. Wait… does Princess Celestia know your sending this letter? Wait…

I am only being able to send this letter to thou. I think it would hast been in thy best interest if I didn’t intrude in thy dreamscape. Um… Wait, what? Intruding in my dreamscape!? Wait… can she… get into my dreams? Woah, woah, woah, woah… She has the power, the magic, to do that? Would… okay, this is a new light. I don’t think she would be able to abuse her powers as being Princess of a nation. Actually who would still rule Equestria now that she is back? Would… they share the crown? For some reason I doubt that… Doesn’t seem natural to me. Actually… it would have made sense if she had talked to me in my dreams… would it?

Anon, Does that mean now? I am sorry. Your… what? Very sorry. I wasn’t acknown of the teen that was being brought upon thou. And that thou wast driven towards… suicide. Again, I’m very sorry thou yea decid'd to make that choice. 'R at least, wast yea forc'd to doth so…

Woah… She really does care about me. At least, that is what I can fathom from this paragraph of her letter. I… maybe I was seeing things. I read it over, just to check that I wasn’t crazy. It looked real. Could it be? I still have doubt. I read it again. No… the text was still there. She felt… sorry for me. I… My mind has been… I don’t even… Okay. I can kind of trust her now. If her words ring truth. Like Princess Celestia’s… I guess we will see.

And I am also sorry about… harming you before and insulting you at the old capital. I hope you can forgive me for my past actions of… my darker self. I guess I can forgive you. You acted and looked very differently from before and now. You looked weaker and… in pain. Something I’m too familiar with. You saner self, for lack of better words, was locked away on the moon for… a millennium. I can’t imagine what you did in that time span… And this part wasn’t in the old dialect…

I would like to ask you… art thou okay, Thomas? Am I okay? Doth thou ne'd any counselling of any sort? I just want to wot that ye are doing well after… saving me. And i would like to thank thou f'r it. If it weren’t f'r thou ‘fighting’ mine darker self… then, things that would belike be beyond thy imagination would hast occurr'd. Things beyond my imagination? Is that what she means? Huh… I don’t think I would like to know what Nightmare Moon would have done. Though eternal night sounds stupid to me… What else did… she have in mind? Okay this is slightly scary. Best not to think about it.

And I am thankful that you have friends to discuss your problems with. Yeah... Again, I would just like to know that you are doing well, and that you… well, ‘want to live’. I guess she isn’t good at attempting to explain herself of these… emotions, I guess. I can understand why… it’s too nerve racking. Friends to discuss your problems with… I… don’t know about that. I don’t think I ever would. I… no. It’s better if I don’t… ugh. Not now. Think about it later. Or never.

Please, I hope for you and all of us when we say that will live a long and healthy life. I… dammit. I can try… No. I’ve been trying so much in my life to find reason to do your implied order… at least I think it was implied. A long life… I think that may happen. I have my doubts on how healthy it could be. I just wish it could possibly be a happy one. And that you don’t end it yourself, and quickly. Yeah, thanks. Because that helps… Ugh. She really got the wording wrong there.

Also, out of respect, I hast decid'd to not betoken this news to any of thy cater-cousins, leaving up to thou to decide if thou really trust them, thou would betoken them. I may visit thou in the coming days, depending how well I get settl'd in ov'r in Canterlot. The coming days? She going to come… over to my home, here? Well, there’s nothing really special about this place. Other than it has the ability to be covered with darkness in every square corner of this two-floored (two-story?) house… Not much to see, really. Other than those musical instruments which is just best to ignore for the foreseeable future…

And regarding thy heroic bravery in the face of grave danger, prithee accept an award of such, whence thou receive free food and cupcakes that Pinkie Pie had made f'r thou, when thou mysterious disappear'd from the party. I guess that makes sense, though why she would even take the time… Wait, how did she even get all that food in my home anyways? And how did her… Did she see how little I had in my home, and decided to reward me with things that I didn’t have… No. I don’t like being a burden to anything. Owing favours… But she said it was more of a reward… Did she get royal guards to do it? That they went in my home while I was…

My head hurts.

I hope that thou will doth well in the future. Well in anything particular? Or just in general? I think I know the answer to both of those questions… I’m not sure how anypony otherwise can change my view. I guess I just have to wait and see. “Yours truly, princess Luna.” I read out the last words to myself. As if anypony was listening to me… It’s just the fact that she even sent this letter to me… I guess Princess Celestia has shown why she cares for me, and this letter was Princess Luna’s way of showing me…

And I couldn't have been the only pony to hear that screech, right?