Chapters Discord's Discombobulating Discounts
Author's Note
The following story is based of my very first 24-hour comic I attempted. I was only able to complete half of the planned story in 22 pages. You can see the unfinished comics in the bonus chapter, since I don't have a deviantart account. Yet.
The first story follows the original planned story of Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie after they purchased something from Discord's shop with a few changes here and there because of the change in method of presentation (comic vs novel).
Discovery
Discord's Discombobulating Discounts - Chapter 1
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were making their way through one of the dirt roads of Ponyville, recalling tales of pranks past. “...and so I said, ‘Oatmeal!? Are you crazy?’”
“Haha! That one get’s me every time, Pinkster.” Rainbow laughed as she flew alongside of the bouncy Pinkie Pie. She stopped laughing and turned her ears. “Hey, Pinkie, do you hear that?”
Pinkie stopped her bouncing and swiveled her ears about.
Quack, quack! “Mrs. Mallard! Please come out.” Quack, quack!
Pinkie jumped in place. “That sounds like Fluttershy! It also sounds like she should eat less beans.”
Rainbow had to land she was laughing so hard. “She’s not tooting, she’s making duck calls.”
“Aren’t they the same thing?”
Rainbow grabbed her sides and laughed even harder. “Come on, Pinkie, let’s see what Fluttershy is up to.”
Rainbow and Pinkie turned the corner, and there a short hop and a skip away was Fluttershy. Her face was strained, her eyes were wide, and as she was rushing about, checking behind every stall and pony in the street, all while apologizing profusely to each pony she disturbed with her frantic hunting. Every few seconds, she would put a little brown thing that she held under her wing to her mouth and make a few quacking noises and timidly call out for somepony.
Seeing one of her best friends in such a state of worry made Rainbow cringe. She flew up to her side. “Fluttershy? What’s wrong?”
Fluttershy sprung at the sudden impact of Rainbow’s voice. It only took a moment, but she shook off the paralysis in her legs and smiled at Rainbow. “Oh, Rainbow Dash, it’s good to see you. I… I’m looking for Mrs. Mallard. I’m so very worried about her.”
Pinkie had caught up with Dash. “Who?”
“Mrs. Mallard. She’s a duck.”
“Oooooh.”
“Why are you looking for a duck?” asked Rainbow.
Fluttershy rubbed her front hooves together. “Well, I was walking Mrs. Mallard and her ducklings through the town to another pond, but we got separated! I couldn’t find her, so I took the ducklings home where they would be safe, and now I’m looking for Mrs. Mallard. She must be looking for her ducklings; I’m sure she’s worrying herself sick!”
Rainbow Dash puffed out her chest and thumped it with a hoof. “Don’t worry, Fluttershy. We’ll keep an eye out for her.”
“You will?” Fluttershy gave Rainbow a hug. “Oh, that is great! Thank you, Rainbow Dash!”
Rainbow smiled and spread her wings out a little more than usual. Yeah, I’m awesome.
Fluttershy let go of Rainbow. “I’ve searched everywhere we’ve been. She’s not at either lake, so she must be lost in the town somewhere. I’ve been asking around, but no one’s seen her since I lost her. Discord gave me this duck call to help and said that once he closed up shop he would turn the town upside down to help me find…”
Rainbow stopped listening to play back the last few words Fluttershy had said. “I’m sorry. Discord what?”
“Discord said he would help me after he closed up shop.”
“Close up shop?”
Fluttershy nodded. “Mm-hmm.”
Pinkie bounced in excitement. “Discord opened up a shop? Oh! I want to see that! Where is it?”
Fluttershy pointed right behind herself. There was a small outhouse with a large, brighter-than-the-sun sign with neon lights that were more at home in Las Pegasus. “Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts,” it said.
Rainbow furrowed her eyebrows and threw a foreleg over her eyes after she glanced in the direction of the sign. How did we not notice that earlier?
“Well, I’m sorry I can’t stay to talk. I must go look for Mrs. Mallard. Please send her to my home if you see her.” Fluttershy waved as she flew away.
“We will! Bye-bye!” Pinkie waved frantically and turned to Rainbow. “So, are we gonna look for Mrs. Mallard?”
Rainbow didn’t take her eyes off the building before her. “Yeah, but first, I want to see what Discord is up to.”
Rainbow walked up to the illuminated outhouse, a beacon built to lead the foolish into Discord’s trap, no doubt. She stopped just outside the door, which had a moon-shaped and a star-shaped hole. Rainbow walked around the outhouse once. There was no way Discord was doing any business here; it was only big enough for one pony to walk inside, let alone a draconequus.
Taking a deep breath, she tensed up as she pulled open the door and stuck her head in. Pinkie stuck her head in underneath Rainbow’s. “Wowie-wow-wow!”
Aisles upon aisles of goods were lined up and continued off into the horizon. Adverts for products on sale hung from the roof that was easily two or three stories tall; posters lined the wall announcing a variety of specials and limited time offers; and on the opposite end of the enormous building with its tidy tiled floor was a counter with a register and various knick-knacks strewn about in no particular order. Behind them was Discord, claw and paw extended over his head and a suspiciously large smile on his face as he greeted the two of them. “Welcome to Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts! We sell things!”
Pinkie bounced in and spun around, taking in all the store had to offer. “Wow! It’s bigger on the inside!”
Rainbow wouldn’t let this discrepancy of normalcy distract her from whatever conspiracy the draconequus had in store. Wow, now that she'd started reading Daring Do books, she was beginning to sound a bit like an egghead.
Rainbow kept her cool as she made her way to the counter, not taking her eyes off the draconequus working at said counter.
“Why, if it isn’t Ponyville’s two most famous pranksters: Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash! What brings you to my little shop?”
“What are you up to this time, Discord?” Rainbow sneered. “Up to your old tricks again, are you?”
Discord flinched and feigned hurt with some overdramatic gestures. “What, moi? I’ve been reformed, Dash! You should know, you were there! Can’t you see that I’m just trying to pass the time now that I’m no longer spreading chaos?”
“Uh-huh. Likely story. What is this place anyway?”
Discord looked to his left, then to his right, then to the counter in front of him, where Pinkie Pie was poking a wooden doodad with a net that was made to hold and support bananas. “Well, it looks to me I’m running a joke shop this time.”
“What do you mean ‘this time’ ?”
“Well, running the same shop day in and day out would get boring pretty quickly, wouldn’t you say? So with a little touch of chaotic magic, my shop changes with every visit! You never know what you’re going to get!”
Pinkie stopped poking the banana hammock. “Neat!”
“Then why are you in an outhouse, Discord?”
“It’s all I could afford! You may find it hard to believe, but despite the long hours and all the hard work that is required, being the Lord of Chaos doesn’t pay well.”
“Then why don’t you just magic up some bits, huh?”
Discord flinched and let out a huff. “Why, Dashie , I’m the Lord of Chaos! I have my standards. I’m not some lowly counterfeiter.”
The draconequus’ unwelcome use of her nickname made Rainbow twitch her eye. She forced a laugh. “Ha! You? Standards? Don’t make me laugh.”
The cheerful playfulness on Discord’s face disappeared as he put his fists to his sides. “You know, that hurts me, Rainbow. So, are you going to look around, or are you going to loiter?”
The two glared at each other in silence until Pinkie crashed the party. “Oooh! Are you having a staring contest?”
Rainbow huffed. “Fine. We’ll look around. Come on, Pinkie.” We can’t let our guards down. Who knows what he is planning.
“Okie-dokie-loki!” said Pinkie as she followed her into the closest aisle.
The aisles seemed to go on forever and were packed to the brim with everything Rainbow could imagine. From gag gifts, like snapping gum cases and blow-up stallion-in-a-cans; to the standard items, like fake doggy doo, buzzers, and sneezing powder; to the weird, like a knee variation of the arrow through the head prop, this store had everything a prankster could possibly want. The excitement of seeing so many pranking ideas was proving to be too much for Pinkie, as the more aisles they visited, the harder it was for her to remain (relatively) still. She even ran back to get a basket for all the little trinkets she just had to have for her next pranking spree. Rainbow herself was starting to get swept up by Pinkie’s excitement, but had to constantly remind herself that this was probably what Discord wanted. She wasn’t going to let Discord play her for a sap.
“So, see anything you like?”
“Huh-Wha?” Rainbow didn’t realize that she and Pinkie had already browsed through the entire store and rounded back to the register.
“Oh, you bet!” said Pinkie as she nosed her basket full of stuff to Discord. He glanced over each item as his eagle claw swiftly flew over the keys to the register. A number popped up, and the register opened with a belch. Something big, round, blue and red flew out of it and landed with a splat in front of Rainbow.
A decapitated pony head with blood oozing out of its empty eye sockets stared at Rainbow.
She screamed.
It took her a moment to recover from the bump to the head she got when she flew into the roof, but when she did, she saw Pinkie and Discord were laughing uncontrollably. Still shaking from the adrenaline, Rainbow jumped on the counter and shoved a hoof into Discord’s face. “What’s the big idea!?”
Wiping a tear away, Discord took a deep breath to control his laughter. “Why Dashie, did you forget this is a joke shop? It’s just a prop! You passed several of these in aisle 13!”
Rainbow turned her head back to the prop, which was squeaking and extending its tongue under Pinkie’s hoof. She giggled and noticed that some blood had got on her hoof. She brought it to her nose, sniffed it, then put it in her mouth.
“Pinkie! No!"
“Oooh! Cherry!”
“See, Dashie? I’m just running a shop. Nothing bad here.”
Rainbow gave a “harumph” as she lowered herself off of the counter. She fought to keep her glare and her body tense.
Discord put on a sly smile. “Tell you what, I’ll give you an extra discount and throw in a little gift as a sign of my friendship. What do you say?”
Pinkie bounced up and down. “Oh! That would be fantastic!”
Rainbow turned her head and raised an eyebrow. “What kind of gift?”
After bagging Pinkie’s goods, Discord flipped the counter over with a “tada!” Amazingly, the doodads that littered the counter before stuck to the counter instead of flying everywhere. Now, in their place on a perfectly clean countertop was a single purple packet.
On the packet was a purple pony with berries for a cutie mark drinking a purple drink from a glass. Her tail was raised, and a green cloud was fluffing out her rear. The text that surrounded the pony were as follows: “Pungent Punch: Berry Butt Blast.”
Rainbow and Pinkie just stared at the packet.
“It’s just juice.”
Discord clapped his claw and paw together and gave them both a toothy grin. “It’s more than just juice!” He grabbed the packet and tore it open with one of his eagle talons while the… things… on the back of his tail snapped together and the pitcher magically filled itself with water and mixed the powder in a mini-whirlpool. Discord picked up the pitcher and filled a glass that appeared in his claw. He placed the cup in front of Rainbow.
Rainbow looked between the glass, Discord, and his overly eager smile. “I’m not drinking that.”
Discord put a tiny umbrella in the drink. “How ‘bout now?”
“Still not drinking it.”
“I’ll drink it!”
“Pinkie, no! Discord, we are not drinking it until you drink it.”
“Fine,” Discord said as he rolled his eyes. He grabbed the drink and downed it in one gulp, plopped down on his elbows, and fixed his eyes on Rainbow and started counting down. “30… 29… 28…“
Rainbow watched Discord from the corner of her eyes and lifted an eyebrow. A low gurgle in her belly made her knees buckle. “What in the…”
“It seems to be working. 24… 23…”
Rainbow lept into the air and jabbed a hoof into Discord’s face. “What do you mean ‘It seems to be working?’ You drank it!”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Yes, but I didn’t ingest it. You never specified whose stomach the drink should be in.”
Pinkie scratched her chin with her hoof. “Don’t ‘drink’ and ‘ingest’ mean the same thing?”
“Pfft. Semantics. 10… 9… 8…”
Rainbow squeezed her head between her hooves, staring down but not focusing on anything ahead of her. The pressure continued to build in her stomach and she fought back the urge to gag. The grumbling grew louder and louder, turning into a roar that her stomach couldn’t contain. She couldn’t hear herself think. Pinkie jumped behind the counter with Discord. “SHE’S GONNA BLOW!”
“5… 4… 3…”
She knew it. Discord was up to his old tricks. Ponyville wouldn’t be safe as long as this abomination of a shop stayed open.
The pressure in her stomach continued to build.
“2… 1… 0…”
Rainbow clenched her eyes shut. There was still so much she wanted to do! Goodbye, friends! Take good care of Tank for me. And kill Discord while you’re at it.
Silence.
Rainbow pried an eye open. There in front of her was Pinkie, peeking over the counter next to a smug draconequus. Both of them had donned helmets and safety goggles.
Looking herself over, Rainbow failed to see any changes. Everything was still accounted for, and she felt much better, except for some pressure in her stomach. Rainbow grinned.
“Ha! It didn’t do anything. Told you it was just…”
A deafening blast of air escaped Rainbow’s backside. Her tail whipped about in the wind. Her cheeks were on fire as she watched her best friend and her worst enemy use each other for support.
“Hahaha . Oh Celestia, Dashie, did you step on a duck?”
“Ohoho! Rainbow, goodness gracious, did you just release a sonic rainboom in my store? Where are you manners, young lady?”
Pinkie fell over, since Discord wasn’t there to support her any more after Rainbow tackled him. “What did you do to me!? ”
Discord wiped away a tear with his paw. “Settle down, Rainbow, it’s harmless.” He held up the packet in front of Rainbow’s face. “Pungent Punch is a line of prank drinks. It is punch mixed with magically super-concentrated fiber, turning anyone who takes a drink of this into a walking butt bomb. On average, it takes thirty seconds to take effect. Legal in every province of Equestria.” Discord turned away from the two, scratched his chin and muttered, “Or was it il legal? I always get those two confused.”
Pinkie skipped over. “Wow, Discord, you really know your pranking stuff.”
Discord stroked his beard and looked up. “Yes, I’ve gone through my own pranking phase, too. I liked it so much I made it a recurring thing.”
Rainbow put more pressure on Discord’s ribs. “It wasn’t funny.”
Discord snapped his claws, and Rainbow was lifted off of Discord’s chest. “Oh, of course it was.” He looked down at the fuming mare in front of him and scratched his head. “You look a little steamed, Rainbow.” Just then, steam whistled out of Rainbow’s ears. She clamped them shut with her hooves, but the steam only whistled out her nose. She bared her teeth and lunged at Discord again, but he teleported out of the way and next to the register.
“Tell you what, I’m sorry for making my very first customers so angry.” He smacked the register, which opened with a ding, and pulled out the bits that Pinkie gave him and poured them into the bag of goodies. “I’ll give you a full refund, let you keep the gift, and give you the remainder of this punch. You can keep the jug as well. What do you say?”
Pinkie bounced up and down. “Oh wow, really? Discord, that’s awfully nice of you!”
Rainbow bit her lip and harrumphed.
“Come on, Dashie . I’m trying to be nice here, this is costing me an arm and a leg. Don’t be so cold.” The now one-armed one-legged draconequus hopped over to Rainbow and wiped snow off her shoulders. “Besides, the punch will wear off in a few minutes.”
Rainbow took a step back. “Fine , just stop calling me Dashie. Let’s go, Pinkie.” As she turned to walk away, she heard a small cheek squeak escape behind her. She ignored the muffled giggles.
“Thank you, Discord!” Pinkie ran up and gave Discord a hug. She took the bag of goodies and bits while Discord placed the pitcher of punch on her head.
The one-armed draconequus waved to Rainbow and Pinkie as they left, but only Pinkie looked back and waved. Rainbow continued straight out of the door and just kept walking, never looking back.
“Can you believe it, Pinkie? That Discord. Him and his no-good shop. Why, I oughtta… Pinkie?” Rainbow looked around and saw that she was mumbling to herself. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before slowly looking back behind her.
There was Pinkie. She was opening the front door to Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts, sticking her head in, pulling it out, slamming the door shut, then repeating. Rainbow flew over and landed on Pinkie’s back. “Come on, Pinkster, let’s get out of here.”
“Just a minute, Dashie. Oh, look! It’s a Japonese restaurant!”
Rainbow poked her head in, and there was Discord behind a hitachi grill. “Yookoso, poni-tachi! ”
Pinkie closed the door and looked again. “Oh! It’s a toy store.”
And again.
“Hey, a used chariot dealer!”
And again.
“Oh, now it’s Sugar Cube Corner! Hi, Mrs. Cake!”
Rainbow rolled her eyes and sighed. “Come on, Pinkie. We’ve seen enough.”
“Just one more!” Pinkie closed and open the door again. Rainbow turned around and was ready to leave.
“Oh my! This one is full of dancing stallions with banana hammocks!”
I guess one more peek wouldn’t hurt.
Discord's Discombobulating Discounts
Discord's Discombobulating Discounts - Chapter 2
Outside of “Banana Fluff’s Cafe,” Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were finishing up their lunch. Rainbow had already finished hers and was studying the juice packets and the pitcher of juice that sat on the mushroom table. “A juice that makes you fart? I don’t believe it. If there were such a thing, I think we would have heard about it before now. I think Discord’s just playing a trick on us. What do you think, Pinkie?”
Pinkie shoved the last half of her third daisy sandwich into her mouth. “I fink uee fould tesht it!”
Rainbow shook her head. “Swallow first, Pinkster.”
Pinkie gulped down the last of her lunch. “I think we should test it!”
Rainbow nudged the pitcher over to Pinkie. “Fine. You drink it.”
Pinkie giggled. “No, silly! Let’s test it out on somepony else. Hmmm…” Pinkie looked up and down the street at all of the ponies walking by. Her head stopped, and she jutted out a hoof. “Target acquired!”
Rainbow followed Pinkie’s hoof down the street to a stall that was very familiar. It was the Apple family’s stall, and behind it were Big Mac and Applejack talking. Pinkie scooped up the pitcher, balanced it on her head, and grabbed an empty cup and straw with her tail. “Meet me behind the building next to A.J.’s stall. I’ve got this.” Pinkie skipped over towards her first victim.
“...and could you tear up this ol’ newspaper while Ah’m gone? Some paper scraps otta make some good cushionin’ for the package Ah need to deliver.”
Big Mac nodded. “Eeyup.”
“Thanks, Mac. I shouldn’t be gone too long now.” AJ turned away and trotted down the street.
Big Mac watched her go for only a moment before getting back to the stall. Looking around and seeing no customers, Big Mac grabbed the top newspaper from a small pile that AJ left behind. He grabbed a corner with his teeth and tore off a piece, ripping the front picture of a donkey in half. After dropping the shred of paper into a nearby empty basket, he bent down for another bite; as he ripped off another piece, a shadow fell over him. Looking up, he saw Pinkie Pie had stepped up to the stall.
“Hey, cuz! Whatcha doin’?”
Big Mac let go of the newspaper, straightened his posture, and smiled. “Oh, nuthin’ much, Miss Pie. Just mindin’ the stall is all. What’s that you got there?” He motioned with his head towards the pitcher resting on Pinkie’s noggin.
“Oh this?” Pinkie Pie put a cup with a straw on the counter, launched the pitcher into the air with a jerk of her head, and caught it with her mane before pouring its contents into the cup. “It’s just a little juice. You must be soooo thirsty working out in the sun all day. You certainly deserve a little refresher, don’t you?” She nudged the cup forward with a smile.
“Well, that’s awfully neighborly of you, cousin.” He bent down and took a sip. “Thank ya, miss--” Pinkie was no longer in front of the stall. Big Mac searched about, but Pinkie was nowhere to be found. Big Mac shrugged and got back to tearing up the newspaper. He wasn’t aware of the two spies behind him.
Rainbow, the first behind the building, started counting down when Big Mac took his first sip. Pinkie, who was standing on Rainbow’s back so she could get a good view, shook and giggled. “23… 22… 21…”
A low rumble came from behind the Apple’s stall. The tight muscles under Big Mac’s skin tensed up as he slowly surveyed the area around his stall.
“9… 8… 7…”
Big Mac took a few steps back from the stall and the street full of potential customers. His tail lifted slowly. Pinkie’s shakes and giggles increased. Rainbow stared wide-eyed but continued counting.
“3… 2… 1…”
A little toot could barely be heard. Big Mac looked around once more before fanning his tail about and stepping back up to the stall, then he continued his work.
Pinkie covered her mouth. “Well, that stunk.” She let out a snort.
Rainbow lowered her head and ears. “Well, I guess it works; but it didn’t have that much of an effect on Big Mac. We need a new target.” Rainbow looked across the street from Big Mac’s stall and saw the Carousel Boutique. She rubbed her chin. “Pinkie, you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Dashie! Here you are.” Pinkie hoofed over a cup to Rainbow, and she took a sip. Midway through, Rainbow looked down at the liquid in the cup. It was purple. She spat out what she had in her mouth and threw the cup at Pinkie.
Rarity was in her kitchen, cutting cheeses to make a platter for some important guests that would be coming in later that afternoon when the door to the Boutique opened with the chiming of a bell. She put down the knife. “Coming!” she sang out as she elegantly walked out of the kitchen. “Welcome to Carousel Bou-- Pinkie Pie! Rainbow Dash! What an unexpected surprise! What brings you two here?”
Before Rainbow could open her mouth, Pinkie jumped up and announced quite loudly, “Rainbow Dash wants to try on dresses!”
Rainbow’s legs locked up, and she turned her head to look at her best friend. A wink from Pinkie quickly restored Rainbow’s faith in her partner in pranks and gave her the mental focus to close her mouth again. Looking back at Rarity, Rainbow was greeted with a cocked eyebrow.
“Really?! Is this true, Rainbow?”
Just roll with it. “Umm, Yeah… Yeah! I do. I would like a dress.”
Rarity jumped up on her hind hooves, clapped her front hooves together and giggled. “Oh! This is wonderful! What kind of dress are you looking for?”
Pinkie hopped in front of Rainbow. “She’s looking for something frilly and girly and sweet!”
Pinkie, what are you doing?
“Like this drink.” Pinkie extended out a hoof holding a cup of pungent punch in front of Rarity’s face.
“Like this drink?” Rarity repeated Pinkie’s words slowly. “Well, it’s a little unorthodox, but alright.” Rarity took the drink with her magic and took a small dainty sip from the glass.
Rainbow leaned closer to Pinkie and whispered, “Pinkster, you draconequus, you.”
“I’m not a draconequus, I’m a pony!”
Rarity pulled out a napkin and dabbed her lips. “Hmmm… Sweet. Fruity. A bit tangy and a rather strong taste. Maybe something with spring colors to represent fruit. Let’s see what I…” A small gurgle interrupted Rarity’s train of thought. “Oh, excuse me. I think I left the oven on in the kitchen. I’ll be right back.” And with that, Rarity gracefully walked through the boutique and through the kitchen door.
Once she was out of sight, Rainbow and Pinkie both rushed up next to the door. 11… 10… 9…
“Hey, Dashie,” whispered Pinkie.
“What?”
“I added a bit more of the punch mix to the batch since Big Mac’s wasn’t so big.”
“How much did you add?”
A trumpet blast echoed out of the kitchen and into the boutique.
“Oh goodness! Um… Sweetie Belle! Please don’t be playing the tuba so loudly, dear. Especially in the kitchen. We have company.”
Rarity walked back out to the boutique. “You’ll have to pardon Sweetie Belle. She just got a tuba for her last birthday and…”
She was too busy with her excuse to notice that Rainbow was biting her lower lip and Pinkie was turning blue from holding her breath.
“...she has been playing it at night and it interrupts my beauty sleep. But she is my dear sister and I do love her so…”
Another rumble came from Rarity’s stomach.
“Oh, I do believe I left the milk out. One moment.”
Rarity walked quickly out of the boutique and into the kitchen again.
Rainbow and Pinkie didn’t have to get close to the kitchen to hear the butt trumpet.
“Sweetie Belle! Volume!”
Rainbow stomped the floor and laughed through her clenched jaw, while Pinkie bit her leg and shook like a madmare.
Rarity walked out again; this time there were a few strands of hair poking out of her otherwise well kept mane and tail. “I’m terribly sorry about that, now then, where were we? Oh yes, a dress for Rainbow Dash .”
The door to the boutique jingled, and Sweetie Belle came running in. “Hey, sis! I forgot my tuba!” Sweetie Belle ran up the stairs and came back down with a tuba wrapped around her torso. She pranced on by, tooting her tuba as she went. The doorbell jingled behind her, and the boutique went silent. A few more strands of hair popped out of place in Rarity’s frazzled mane. Her pupils were pin pricks.
Pinkie Pie took a few audible sniffs in the air. “Hey, Rarity. It smells like that milk of yours went bad.” Her voice cracked at the end. Rainbow couldn’t hide her smile any longer.
Rarity’s eyes darted about as she ran a hoof through her mane. “Ummm, well, you see girls… I…” A rumble interrupted her. She jumped forward and shoved the two guests toward the door. “I’mterriblysorryRainbow,butIjustrememberedI’mgettingtheboutiquefumigatedtoday.Pleasecomebacklater,okay?Okay.Bye!” With a final push, both Rainbow and Pinkie were outside of the boutique and the door slammed shut behind them, followed by another sonic butt boom. A few of the windows opened up, and the sign on the door glowed with Rarity’s magic and flipped over from “We’re Open” to “Closed.”
The two pranksters laughed until their sides hurt.
The partners in prank walked together side by side as they looked around for their next victim. As they turned a corner, they saw the Cutie Mark Crusaders outside of a tent. The tent, much like others in Ponyville, was almost spire-shaped and had a little canopy over its entrance. Under the canopy, Sweetie Belle was blasting her tuba, Scootaloo was holding up a sign, and Apple Bloom was calling out to all the ponies who passed by, “Get your fortune read right here! Fortunes! Madame Scootaloo will tell you your future!”
The sign Scootaloo held up and shook around said, “Fortunes! 3 bits.” It probably said more, but Scootaloo dropped it when she saw Rainbow. “Hey, Rainbow Dash, how are you doing?” She jumped and buzzed her wings.
Rainbow smiled. “Oh, nothing much, squirt. You’re a fortune teller now?”
Scootaloo straightened her back and stood as tall as she could. “Well, you never know. Already told a few fortunes today; turned out pretty well! Hey, I could tell your fortune, too, Rainbow! What do you say?”
Looking back at Pinkie for a moment, she turned back to Scootaloo, and three pairs of puppy dog eyes stared back. “Alright.”
The three fillies jumped and cheered. Apple Bloom stepped forward and shot out a hoof with a smile. “That’ll be three bits!”
“What!? I’m your favorite Rainbow Dash! Can’t you just let me in?”
Apple Bloom shook her head. “Madame Scootaloo is a very busy pony. Her time is valuable.”
Oh well, I guess we could humor them. After all, it’s only three bits.
“Now hold on a minute,” Pinkie said, a mockingly serious tone in her voice. “You three have been outside in Celestia’s sun, tooting your tubas, swinging around signs, and yelling out on the top of your lungs. You must be hot, tired, and thirsty. How about you each get a free cup of juice which is worth two bits a cup instead? It will cool you down, give you a boost of energy, and soothe your aching throat. What do you say?”
Apple Bloom’s serious face fell. “Huddle! ” she shouted, and the three of them grabbed onto each others’ shoulders and whispered. This turn of events also made Rainbow pull Pinkie aside.
“What are you doing, Pinkie!?”
Pinkie giggled. “What? It’s just a little gas. They can handle it.”
Rainbow shook her head. “Just a little? Did you not remember what happened to Rarity? I wouldn’t dare do that to Scootaloo.”
“Relax, Rainbow.” Pinkie tapped the pitcher balancing on her head. “If anything happens to the fillies, I’ll take responsibility. Pinkie Promise!” Pinkie crossed her heart and stuck an invisible cupcake in her eye. “Besides, I'll water their drinks down so they don't explode or anything.”
Taking a deep breath, Rainbow closed her eyes and imagined the worst case scenarios. The CMC get a bad case of the toots? It would only last for a few minutes. And it was Pinkie who offered the drinks, so if Scootaloo got mad, Rainbow was pretty much in the clear. “Fine.”
Both mares turned to the three fillies, who had broken their huddle. Apple Bloom stepped forward. “It’s a deal.” She stuck out her hoof, and Pinkie bumped it with hers before she gave the fillies their payment.
The three fillies gulped down their drinks and dashed inside. Apple Bloom stuck her head out the tent opening. “Please wait a second as Madame Scootaloo prepares herself.” She pulled her head back in, and the sound of whispers escaped the tent.
25… 24… 23… Shoot, if we’re going to be out here when IT happens, this is going to be a waste of-
“Madame Scootaloo will see you now!”
Rainbow and Pinkie let themselves in. Inside the small tent was a short, round table covered with a long, flowing tablecloth that hung to the floor with a glowing crystal ball. Around the table, closest to the entrance were a few cushions for the guests. Opposite of the entrance was Madame Scootaloo, draped in purple garments and necklaces that might have been borrowed with or without permission from Rarity. There were even several mismatching clip-on earrings on one ear. Next to Madame Scootaloo, just a little distance away, sat Apple Bloom. Madame Scootaloo nodded, and Apple Bloom spoke up, “Please, take a seat.”
Rainbow and Pinkie sat down.
16 … 15… 14…
Scootaloo raised her hooves under her long sleeves and waved them around the orb, the orb glew brighter and changed colors. Both Rainbow and Pinkie leaned forward and watched how certain motions of her hooves made the crystal ball glow brighter or how it changed colors when she spoke.
“Filly’s tears and young colt’s cooties.
Are you scared? You must be bold!
Reach us now, oh crystal ball.
Truth be told, what shall unfold?!”
Oh wow, she is really putting on a show. They must have put a lot of effort into this.
What Rainbow and Pinkie didn’t know was that as Scootaloo worked her magic, so did Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. Apple Bloom watched Scootaloo’s performance and slid her front hooves over a hidden chart they had made under the table cloth. Sweetie Belle, hidden under the table, would watch Apple Bloom’s hooves move across the chart and light up her horn to the color and brightness that the chart indicated. It was a little bit difficult to look down at the chart while she stuck her horn up through the hole in the table and into the upside-down fishbowl, but it worked. She smiled when Rainbow and Pinkie said, “Woah.”
Then she got a rumbly in her tummy.
Her opening act finished, Madame Scootaloo sat down and rubbed her stomach. Apple Bloom adjusted herself in her seat. “So, which one of you wants your fortune read first?” She leaned to the side, towards Madame Scootaloo, and coughed.
Pinkie raised a hoof. “Oh, do me first!” she said with a slight giggle as she covered her smile.
Madame Scootaloo leaned over a bit and threw her front hooves in the air. “Oh, CRYSTAL BALL! ” she shouted, muffling another sound that came from her seat. “Show us, what does the future hold for Pinkie Pie?”
The crystal ball began to glow pink, but it flickered for a moment at the same time as a little squeak escaped from under the table.
Apple Bloom leaned over and coughed again.
Working her magic again, Scootaloo waved her hooves around the crystal ball, speaking out while her volume and word stresses fluctuated. Whenever she did so, a low rumble could be heard from under her chair. “The crystal ball, it SPEEEEAAAAAAKS to me. It says… It says... “ The crystal ball turned green. “It says that YOOOOU are going to MAAAAAKE a good deal. You will have no problem with BIIIIIIITS!”
The crystal ball flickered, and another squeak came from under the table.
Pinkie bit her lip and hid more of her smile under her hooves. “That’s great,” she said, nearly choking on her giggles.
Even now, Rainbow was having a hard time as she fought the growing smile on her face. Rainbow, in trying to contain her laughter, squeezed hard on her chest, forcing herself to wheeze out her question, “What about my future, Madame Scootaloo?”
“Hmmm… Let me SEEEEE!”
Apple Bloom leaned over and coughed.
The crystal ball flickered and squeaked.
Madame Scootaloo waved her hooves around the flickering crystal ball. “I see, I SEEEE….” The crystal ball turned blue. “That… that can’t be right.”
Risking to catch a whiff of what the CMC had been cooking, Rainbow leaned forward. “What? What’s so bad? Blue’s an awesome color.”
“No, blue means something bad will happen. The orb is probably STIIIIIILLLLLLL thinking!” Madame Scootaloo aimed the last comment down at the orb and not to Rainbow.
The table shot up and tipped over. The crystal ball went flying, and the tablecloth whipped by Rainbow and Pinkie’s faces, revealing Sweetie Belle. Her eyes were red and full of tears, and her cheeks were incredibly damp. “I can’t take it anymore! Scootaloo! Apple Bloom! You two stink! I’m stuck under there, and you two keep… keep … UUUG HHHHH! I can’t breathe in here!”
The upset filly ran off, and her friends chased off after her. “Wait! Sweetie Belle!” “Hold up!”
Rainbow and Pinkie watched as the fillies disappeared through the front flaps of the tent before the two started howling with laughter. They would have continued laughing for much longer, but Sweetie Belle’s tantrum also unleashed the worst stink bomb both pranksters had ever inhaled.
Discord's Discombobulating Discounts
Discord's Discombobulating Discounts - Chapter 3
Laughter echoed throughout Ponyville Park. Normally such a commotion would be turning heads and ears of the locals, but they knew those particular laughs well enough that they didn’t even need to look to find out who was laughing or why. The local pranksters Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash had pulled off another successful prank. Even the birds weren’t too jostled by the commotion.
Rainbow wiped away a tear from her eye. “Oh, jeez. That was too bad. I really hope squirt won’t be too mad.”
Pinkie held a hoof up to mouth and chuckled. “Squirt?”
“Yeah, that’s my nickname for Scootaloo. She’s ‘the Squirt.’”
Pinkie bit her quivering lip. “Good thing she didn’t live up to her name!”
Both ponies fell on their backs and rolled with laughter. After being interrupted by a coughing fit, Pinkie wiped a bit of spittle of her cheek. “But yeah, you’re right. It was probably mean of me to trick the crusaders like that. They seemed to be actually enjoying what they were doing--” Pinkie’s eyes shot open “--Oh, I may have let myself get too carried away with this prank.”
Rainbow jumped up on the ground and threw a leg over Pinkie’s shoulders. “Hey, relax! It was a harmless joke. They’ll get over it and be back to their crusading in no time. Besides, the toots are only temporary.”
No longer biting on her lip or looking at the ground, Pinkie batted her eyes and soaked up any tears of regret. “I... I guess you’re right. I could always bake them some Sorry-I-Tricked-You Sweets later. That’ll cheer them up.”
“See, there we go,” said Rainbow while rubbing Pinkie on the back. “They’ll be happy and smiling again in no time. And do you know what would cheer you up?”
Rainbow pointed over to a nearby bench where Lyra and Bon-Bon were sitting. Pinkie and Rainbow chuckled.
“Lyra, it always astounds me that you are able to get comfortable in that position.”
Lyra turned to Bon-Bon. “What? It’s quite comfortable to lean back. And it takes up less space. Besides, if we weren’t supposed to sit like this, then why are there back supports on these benches?”
Bon-Bon poked the back of the bench. “They’re obviously for decoration and to tell ponies which part of the bench is the front.”
Lyra shook her head. “I don’t think so. Is there a front to a cushion, or a beanbag chair? No, I say that I’m sitting the correct way.”
Instead of a rebuttal, Bon-Bon just sighed. “Lyra, have we really run out of things to talk about? We couldn’t have been friends for that long already.”
A chirpy voice suddenly shook the two seated ponies. “Hey, you two. Lovely day, isn’t it?”
In front of Lyra and Bon-Bon stood Pinkie. On her head was a pitcher of purple juice, and balancing on one of her front hooves was a tray with two cups, filled with the same drink.
Bon-Bon nodded. “It certainly is. Lyra and I are just enjoying the weather together.”
Lyra pointed at the tray. “What’s that you got there?”
Pinkie grinned. “Oh, you mean this?” She lifted the tray a little higher for the two to see. “This is just a new drink I’ve been trying out. Would you like a taste?”
A yellow glow surrounded a cup and levitated it off of the tray. “Thanks! I’m parched,” said Lyra before taking a sip.
Pinkie held the tray in front of Bon-Bon, but she just smiled and shook her head. “Sorry, I’m cutting down on sugar. I’m trying to shave off a few pounds.”
Lyra downed the rest of her drink. “Oh, come on, Bonnie! Not this again. You’re just fine. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of pudge.”
Bonnie’s mane whipped around as she got into Lyra’s face. “Don’t call me pudgy! Besides, ‘pudge’ isn’t a very flattering word.”
Lyra rolled her eyes. “I didn’t say that, but fine. You’re healthy . You’re a healthy mare. Besides, what harm is one drink going to do? Right, Pinkie?”
Both mares looked to Pinkie for an answer, but she was gone. Lyra sighed. “Great, we scared her off.”
The other mare scratched her chin. “No, that’s not like Pinkie. Something else must have distracted her. She’d never let us bicker whenever she’s around.”
“Hey, Bonnie? I’m sorry if I insulted you. It’s just I think you worry too much about your appearance.”
Bon-Bon nuzzled her best friend. “No, Lyra, I’m sorry I snapped. I was quick to throw your words back at you.”
A short distance away in some bushes, two pairs of eyes watched as the two friends made amends on the bench. Rainbow had been counting down ever since Lyra took the first sip.
“4… 3… 2…”
A gurgling came from the depths of Lyra’s stomach. She looked at her friend, who seemed oblivious to the growing pressure in Lyra’s gut. Ever so slowly, Lyra leaned over towards Bon-Bon, lifting one cheek from the wooden bench. She went the extra mile to cover the intentions of her actions by adding a little nuzzle.
“Oh no, you don’t. I know you too darn well. If you’re going to pass gas, you’re not going to do it near me.”
Found out, Lyra rolled off the bench with a moan and walked away from Bon-Bon.
“Oh crud! She’s coming this way. Do you think she knows?” whispered Pinkie.
“Don’t move! She’ll find us for sure,” said Rainbow.
The grass crunched under Lyra’s hooves with every step as she got closer to the bush that the two pranksters were hiding in. She stopped only a few feet away. Through the leaves, Rainbow saw Lyra inspect the surrounding area. There was nopony in sight.
No.
Lyra turned around so that she was facing the path and bench, pointing her rear away from any potential passers-by.
Oh dear Celestia, no!
She lifted her tail.
Oh, ponyfeathers.
A deafening blast blew Rainbow’s mane back. She could feel the colors melt from her prismatic mane; the smell made her grow green as she held back the urge to vomit.
She who dealt it smelt it. “Whew! Dang, that was a bad one. That one would knock the fur off a diamond dog. I’m beginning to feel sorry for Bon-Bon. Maybe I should stop subjecting her to all those dutch ovens.”
After a few waves of her tail to fan off the offensive odor, Lyra trotted back to Bon-Bon’s side as if nothing happened. She never noticed the two sickly green, gagging ponies that crawled out of the bush behind her.
---O---
After a trip to the nearest toilet, taking a bath, and brushing their teeth just for good measure, the duo were out in public again.
“I don’t know--” Pinkie took another whiff of her mane “--Maybe we’ve done enough pranking for the day.”
“Oh, come on, Pinkster,” said Rainbow while flying beside her friend. “We’ve only had one prank backfire on us. It’s not like you to be discouraged so quickly.”
“Well, yeah, but--”
“Oh, Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash. How are you two doing today?”
The two friends stopped talking and looked ahead of them. Twilight Sparkle was standing there with a huge smile on her face. Behind her was Spike pulling a cart full of parchment, quills, and one large sofa.
Rainbow smiled. “Hey Twilight! Doing great. Here--” She snatched the pitcher of juice off of Pinkie’s head, pulled a cup out Pinkie’s mane, and poured a cup of juice. “--You look thirsty. Have a drink!”
Spike walked up and took the cup out of Rainbow’s hoof. “Thanks! I’m parched.” He took the drink and chugged it down, earning himself a glare from Rainbow as she poured another drink for Twilight.
Twilight took the cup from Rainbow with her magic. “That’s very nice of you, Rainbow.” She lifted the cup to her lips.
“What’s the sofa for?” asked Pinkie.
A shock went through the back of Rainbow’s mind as she turned to look at her partner-in-pranks. What are you doing?
Lowering the cup, Twilight motioned at the large sofa behind her and Spike. “Oh, this thing? Well, being a princess means that I have a lot of paperwork to do--notices to read, reports to write--so I use up a lot of parchment and quills. Well, Mr. Davenport saw how much materials I was buying and using, and he asked me if the chair I used was comfortable at all…”
A low rumbling sound came from Spike’s belly. He looked down as the contents in his belly gurgled and shifted about.
“...and then he suggested getting a new chair for working on. So he sold me this chair at a discount! It was very nice of him.”
Pinkie nodded enthusiastically as she inched closer to Twilight. Her hoof slowly reached out for Twilight’s cup. With a flap of her wings, Rainbow got right up next to Pinkie and bumped her out of the way.
Rainbow nodded while watching Pinkie. “Yeah. That Davenport guy is awesome.” What are you doing, Pinkie?
A moan caught their attention. All three mares turned to see that Spike was bent over and holding his belly.
“Spike! Are you alright?” Twilight went up to her assistant and rubbed his back.
Spike nodded. “It’s okay, I just--”
A fart bellowed from behind the baby dragon accompanied by a huge flash of green dragon fire, which engulfed Twilight. She screamed as the fire ate away at her. Twilight disintegrated in the rectal inferno. Pinkie cried out and ripped out chunks of her mane. Rainbow’s wings snapped open; she grabbed the pitcher and tossed its contents onto Twilight, but to no avail.
The princess was gone. No hair or feather of her remained. Even the cup of juice she’d held next to her with her magic was gone.
The commotion had attracted many of the citizens of Ponyville, who stared in awe at the tragedy they just witnessed.
Rainbow didn’t notice, though. She was too busy looking at the burn marks on the ground where Twilight once stood. “Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh--”
Pinkie threw herself upon the burnt ground and pulled all the ashes she could into a pile. “NO! TWILIGHT! Pull yourself together! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, TWILIGHT! ”
The ponies of Ponyville stared in confusion or wailed. Mares fainted and stallions sobbed as their most beloved princess seemed to have been taken away in some tragic magical accident.
Unlike everyone else, Spike wasn’t crying. He walked up to Pinkie and gave her a few pokes. “Um… Pinkie?”
Pinkie lifted her tear- and dirt-stained face up from the ashes. “Spike! I’m so sorry! I’m sorry that Twilight is dea-he-he-he-ead!” She snatched up the dragon and gave him a strong squeeze. “I promise I’ll take care of you. I’ll teach you, I’ll bathe you, I’ll feed you, just like Twilight would have wanted me to do!”
Spike squirmed in Pinkie’s death grip as she rubbed her tear-soaked face against his. “What are you talking about? Twilight’s not dead!”
Pinkie stopped sobbing, and so did the rest of Ponyville. All eyes were on the little dragon in Pinkie’s grip.
“She’s alright! Really. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, actually…” Spike slipped a claw out of Pinkie’s grip, scratched the back of his head, and tried to look away from Pinkie’s stare. “When I was little, I had an… accident, you see, and she got caught in it. She was sent to Celestia, and that’s where she is now. It doesn’t hurt. It probably scared her more than anything.”
Pinkie dropped Spike. He landed on his tucas. “Really!? Twilight’s okay?”
Spike nodded. Pinkie began to jump around, cheering that Twilight was okay. She ran around to the audience their little fiasco had attracted and shared the good news, as well as hugs and smiles. When Pinkie finished informing the crowd, they went back to their day, Pinkie collapsed on her back and looked up at the sky. “Ha~ hahaha… Phew! For a moment there I thought we were killers.” She giggled away her concerns. She pointed up at the sun. “Hey look. That’s a BIG solar flare.”
Spike looked up at the sky, back down at Pinkie, then back to Rainbow. “What was that about ‘I thought we were killers’?”
Rainbow shook her head. “I don’t know.”
“Hey, still got some of that juice left?”
---O---
It wasn’t the first time Twilight had been transported somewhere by magic against her will. Especially by dragon fire. Dragon fire always made her feel like her stomach had been flipped mid-flight. She’d never get used to seeing herself covered in flames--even harmless ones. The primal fear of fire always overruled logic. Twilight sighed, picked herself up and looked around.
Yup. This is Celestia’s throne room.
“Good day to you, Twilight.”
Twilight whipped around and there was Celestia, sitting on the throne with a warm smile on her face.
Twilight smiled back. “Hello, Celestia. Sorry, I hope I’m not interrupting anything. Spike… he had a little accident.”
Celestia never faltered at the embarrassing news. The last thing she’d want to do was laugh at her favorite student for being farted on by her dragon assistant. She lifted a cup half full of juice.
“Twilight, I saved your juice. I hope you don’t mind, but I took a little sip.”
Author's Note
So, I'm almost finished with this.
Looking back at the story (which was originally written in an hour for a twenty-four hour comic) there are a few things that are feeling a little off. Can Spike really fart dragon fire? Could it transport living things? Wasn't there times in the show that his fire just singed Twilight? Plus, some jokes seem to work better in comic form, so I changed some things around to better fit the written word.
Discord's Discombobulating Discounts
Discord's Discombobulating Discounts - Chapter 4
“Get your free punch here! Free punch! You gotta love it!”
In the Ponyville marketplace, voices rang out from various vendors vying to veer visitors to view their valuables. Among these stalls dedicated to carrots, apples, sweets, pottery, flowers, and other things was a hastily-built stall with two new faces--Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.
As she stood behind the stall lined with paper cups full of purple punch, Rainbow Dash sported a huge smile. Her partner-in-pranks, however, did not share her enthusiasm.
Rainbow smiled even more as a familiar face, Derpy, came up to the table. Rainbow hoofed over a cup, and the mare downed the drink, said, “Thank you,” then took flight back into town.
As soon as the mare took her drink, a mental timer started in Rainbow’s head as she watched Derpy fly away. 25… 24… 23…
“Hey, Dashie?”
Without turning her eyes away from her latest victim, Rainbow answered, “Yeah, what is it, Pinkster?”
“Um, I reaaaally think we’re taking this prank a little too far. We should probably stop now.” Pinkie’s voice lacked its usual confidence. In fact, it had a little bit of a warble to it, but Rainbow was too invested in watching her target to notice.
“What’re you talking about? It just harmless ‘poot-punch’. It’s not hurting anypony.”
Pinkie moved in front of Rainbow, blocking her view of Derpy. “See, that’s the thing, Dashie. It may not hurt to fart, but it can be very embarrassing. I don’t want to publicly embarrass somepony.”
Rainbow shifted to the side. It was getting close. “3… 2… 1…”
Derpy’s tail blasted up as a huge fart launched her forward in the air. The sudden boost sent her head first into a hanging wooden sign outside a store before falling on top of a large sofa. The sudden slapstick situation brought out a belly laugh from Rainbow.
Pinkie on the other hand, wasn’t amused. She ran off to the disoriented mare’s side.
Left alone to her laughter, Pinkie’s words drilled through Rainbow’s skull. Derpy had just had the wind knocked out of her, and while certainly Rainbow loved slapstick, was tricking ponies into drinking magically-enhanced fart-inducing juice really worth a cheap laugh? Did anypony else see her? Did they hear her break wind in a public place? Plus, Derpy could have been seriously hurt.
“Ummm… excuse me…”
Other pranks they had pulled before never hurt anyone, and at the end of it all, even the targets realized they were pranked and weren’t bothered by it at all. Well, mostly.
“Um, Rainbow, you didn’t happen to see Mrs. Mallard at all, did you?”
Without thinking, Rainbow pushed forward a cup towards the voice. “Here you go.”
“Oh, well, I see you’re busy. I’ll just be on my way then. Thank you for the drink.”
“Mm-hm. Enjoy.”
Not too mention, this is just too easy! There’s no challenge. It’s… starting to get boring, actually.
Rainbow felt a hoof poke her on the side. She snapped out of her thinking and saw Pinkie chewing on her lip. “Hey, Dashie? Derpy’s okay, but I really think we should stop. This isn’t funny anymore.”
Rainbow sighed. “Are you sure? Is it the stall? We’re not really… um… ‘on the prowl.’ We don’t pick our targets, our targets come to us; that isn’t as fun. Is that it?”
Pinkie shook her head. “No. I think we’ve done enough pranking for one day. I want to stop before something bad happens.”
Rainbow took a deep breath and looked down at the ground. When no reason to continue came to mind, she lowered her head and slumped her shoulders. “Maybe you’re right. Let’s stop today. We’ve done enough.”
“So, did Fluttershy find Mrs. Mallard?”
“What?” Oh yeah, I forgot about that. “I don’t know? Why are you asking me that?”
“Didn’t you just talk to her? I saw you and her together while I was with Derpy?” Pinkie pointed with a hoof to the crowd in the marketplace.
“What? I didn’t see Fluttershy. I just gave a drink to…” A heavy lump formed in Rainbow’s stomach. “Oh crud!”
Sweat collected on her forehead as Rainbow searched the crowds some distance in front of their stall. In the middle of the group was Fluttershy, holding a cup with one hoof. She took a sip.
“NO!” Rainbow leapt over the table, knocking the cups over and spilling their contents on the dirt. Pinkie ran by her side.
“Fluttershy! Wait!” screamed Rainbow.
“Spit it out, Fluttershy! Spit it out!” shouted Pinkie.
But Fluttershy didn’t hear them, as the pair’s shouts were drowned by the commotion from the crowds. “Look out!” “Runaway wagon!” “He’s asleep at the harness!” “Get out of the way!”
Like a runaway train, an overworked stallion was running with his eyes closed. Without any input from the sleeping stallion, his legs carried on from sheer habit. Bales of hay in his wagon would cause a lot of damage should he collide with something - or somepony. Fluttershy jumped back as other ponies pushed back against each other. With the marketplace vacant, a lone entity remained in the path of runaway wagon.
A duck.
“Mrs. Mallard!” The ponies surrounding Fluttershy pushed closer back and resisted her attempts of getting through. She had no space to open her wings. “Mrs. Mallard!” she cried.
The ponies in front of her pushed back against her. The cries of alarm smothered her pleas for passage. If she didn’t do something, Mrs. Mallard would get hurt - or even worse! Her children would lose their mother! Never would Fluttershy allow something so terrible to happen. A rush of adrenaline blinded her of her inhibitions as she shoved the ponies ahead of her, and she never stopped to apologize if she stepped on a hoof or pulled hair.
She was going to save Mrs. Mallard.
At last, Fluttershy pushed through the crowd and entered the clearing. The ground rumbled from the stallion’s heavy footsteps as the sound of galloping and rattling wooden wheels grew louder. Nothing registered in Fluttershy’s mind as she raced to save Mrs. Mallard. Her vision blurred and the colors bled into each other, and all she could hear was the heartbeat in her ears.
“Mrs. Mallard!”
A blur of brown, yellow, and red flashed before her, and a cloud of dirt blinded her. She wiped the dust from her eyes and looked at the place where Mrs. Mallard once stood.
Too late. She was gone.
Fluttershy fell to her knees. Tears welled up in her eyes. She brought up her foreleg to rub her eyes and shield herself from the dreadful scene she had just witnessed. She sobbed. Mrs. Mallard was gone.
A stallion spoke to her. “Excuse me, miss. Why are you crying?”
“I… She… She’s gone!” said Fluttershy without raising her head.
“Who’s gone?”
Fluttershy hiccuped. “Mrs. - Mrs. Mallard. The carriage. It… It-”
“Would this be Mrs. Mallard?”
She peeked up from her leg. Through her tears, Fluttershy saw a yellow pegasus with a thick, ruffled, brown mane. A red handkerchief speckled with dirt hung at his neck, very much resembling the stubble around his mouth. He stood on three legs, with the fourth held tight to his chest.
In his crook was Mrs. Mallard.
“Mrs. Mallard!” Fluttershy jumped up into the air and fluttered over to the stallion. She swiped the duck from the stallion and held it tight to her chest. “Oh, Mrs. Mallard. You’ve gave me such a fright!”
The stallion chuckled. “I’m glad everything’s alright, miss…?”
“Oh!” Fluttershy landed on the ground. When she looked back at the stallion, she found it hard to keep her eyes off him. She took a quick glance away before making eye contact again. Those magnificent emerald eyes. She felt as if there were a bunch of butterflies in her stomach, and they were quite excited. “Fluttershy. My name is Fluttershy.”
The stallion smiled. “Well, Fluttershy. I’m very happy that you’re happy. It’d have been a travesty if something were to have happened to Mrs. Mallard.”
The pressure built up in Fluttershy’s stomach, as if those butterflies were looking to escape. She felt she’d explode at any minute. After she placed down Mrs. Mallard, she drew circles in the dirt with a hoof. “Um, thank you so much for saving Mrs. Mallard.”
“My pleasure,” said the stallion with a smile. “I won’t let anyone step on a duck while I’m around.”
While Fluttershy made googly eyes with the stallion, she was unaware of Rainbow or Pinkie flying and hopping over the crowds; their calls didn’t reach her.
Fluttershy stepped a little closer to the stallion who saved Mrs. Mallard. “Do you like animals?”
“Yes, I do. I volunteer every year to bring the birds north during Winter Wrap-up because I love to listen to the melodies of the songbirds.”
The pitter-patter in Fluttershy’s chest quickened. She took another step closer to the pegasus. “Um… Would you like to-- I mean--”
“FLUTTERSHY, NOOOO!”
An enormous, cheek-slapping roar ripped out of Fluttershy’s behind. Her tail whipped behind her as a thick, gaseous cloud blew out from her behind, right into Rainbow’s and Pinkie’s faces. The sudden gust and smell blew Rainbow off course. She screamed as she lost control in the air and crashed into the ground. Pinkie tripped and gasped for air only to breathe in more of the noxious fumes. She clawed at her throat, and a burning sensation spread inside her chest. Overwhelmed by all the sensations, Pinkie couldn’t hold back anymore.
“Holy moly, Fluttershy! WHAT DID YOU EAT!?”
Pinkie jammed both of her front hooves in her mouth, but it was too late. Tears stained her face as she backed away from the stallion. All around her, there were ponies gawking. Some even laughing. She turned her head away from the stallion and ran without looking where she was going--her eyes glued to the ground in front of her.
“Fluttershy! Wait!” screamed Rainbow as Fluttershy disappeared into a crowd.
Pinkie crawled a safe distance away from where she fell and took a huge gulp of air. “Oh no,” she said in a raspy voice. “What have we done?”
Rainbow swooped down and lifted Pinkie off the ground. “Quick! We have to go after her!”
“But, where did she go?”
Rainbow looked around. There was no sign of Fluttershy anymore. “Maybe she went home? Come on! We need to get to her.”
Pinkie pointed her hoof towards the center of town. “But I thought I saw her go that way! Her house is the other way.”
Rainbow chewed on her front hooves. Oh crud, what have I done?
---0---
A long day, and he’d only gotten a clawful of customers. Discord muttered to himself as he stepped out of Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts and locked the door. Was it the advertising? Location? Without customers to harass, Discord saw no reason to keep his shop open. Maybe if he had a bigger sign, he might get more vict-- customers.
With business done for the day, Discord mentally planned his afternoon. Well, plan wasn’t the right word. It was more like focusing on the first impulse that came to him. That first impulse was to investigate the sobbing behind him.
He turned around and saw Fluttershy running through town, bumping into ponies as she cried her eyes out.
Discord disappeared in a flash of light and reappeared ahead of Fluttershy. When she passed by, he scooped her up and took her into a tight hug. The troubled pegasus buried her head into Discord’s chest, matting the fur with her tears. Without saying a word, Discord pet Fluttershy’s mane until the sobbing stopped.
“Why, Fluttershy, what has gotten birds in your bonnet?”
Fluttershy pulled back from Discord’s chest, her eyes were a burning pink. “I-- I--”
Before she could get a word in, another squeaky, cheek-slapping fart blew out her backside. Fluttershy’s face flamed up, and she pushed against Discord. He let go of the wiggling pegasus and let her run away.
He clenched his paw and claw tightly. Fluttershy didn’t have to tell him what had happened with words. She said more than enough. With her butt.
Discord slithered up into the sky and looked down below. He stretched out one of his eyeballs into a telescope and closed the other one. After a quick look, he was able to find the culprits running around Ponyville.
Without taking his eyes off the two ponies talking to every pony they passed, Discord raised up his eagle claw. He pressed his middle talon and thumb together.
---0---
“What do you mean you didn’t see which way she went? She just ran right past you!” The mare in front of Rainbow took a step back.
“Well, I was looking at these flowers… and-and--”
“Forget it!” Rainbow took off and grabbed the next pony she flew close to. “Hey! Where’s Fluttershy?”
“Who now?” said the blue stallion.
“Rainbow, any luck yet?!” Pinkie ran up behind Rainbow. “I haven’t found her!”
As soon as Rainbow loosened her grip on the stallion, he took off and tripped over his hooves.
Rainbow sighed. “No luck yet. But I we have to find her! She--” A flash of light blinded Rainbow. When sight returned to her, she had forgotten everything she was going to say.
Pinkie also stared at Rainbow with a slack-jawed expression.
“Pinkie? Your head.” Rainbow pointed at Pinkie’s head.
“Rainbow? Your head.” Pinkie pointed at Rainbow’s head.
Large purple petals sprouted around their faces; the pair resembled flowers in a grade-school play. Before another word could be said, there was another flash.
Pinkie wobbled to the side. “Rainbow! What is going- AAAAHHH!” Pinkie fell over face first into the ground. Her body wasn’t the same. It was blue with a green floral pattern, and in the place where her tail should be was a flag pole and a flag.
On the flag was a screw and a baseball.
Rainbow took a step to help Pinkie up, but her hooves felt off. She lifted one up to her face and screamed. She had duck feet!
Both of them screamed.
Everypony around them screamed.
All of Ponyville screamed.
---0---
The sky was ablaze with a soft orange glow. Two misshapen freaks waddled up along the trail to Fluttershy’s home. Every few steps, one of the two former ponies would topple over flat on her face, and the other would help her up. As they made their way up the hill to the house, all of the animals kept their distance and never took their eyes off these new creatures; the birds stopped singing, and a bear peeked around the farthest corner of the house. That except for one duck that followed the two.
Once the two tumbled up to the welcome mat, the freak with the blue face lifted a webbed foot and wobbled until the pink-faced one lifted her foot and stabilized each other. The blue face knocked on the door, but instead of the usual hoof-on-wood knock it was a weak slap.
“Go away!” said Fluttershy between sobs.
The blue one sighed. “Fluttershy, it’s me. Rainbow Dash.”
The sobbing stopped, and dainty little steps approached the door. Several locks clacked and clattered behind the door, and the door opened ajar. An eye peeked through the opening. Fluttershy squeaked and slammed the door. “You’re not Rainbow! Go away!”
“Fluttershy! It’s me and Pinkie. Discord did this to us. Please listen to us. I’m sorry!”
The door didn’t open. “Discord? S-sorry?”
Pinkie nodded, even though Fluttershy couldn’t see her. The petals around her face waved with her movements. “Yeah, we’re very sorry, Fluttershy! We screwed up big time.”
The door opened again, this time wide enough to see Fluttershy’s whole face. “What do you mean, sorry?”
Rainbow sighed. “It’s a long story. This morning, we went to Discord’s store…”
---0---
With a proud gait, Discord strutted through Ponyville with all of the other earlier risers. It was another day. Since there was time for word to spread, he might get more customers today. A devilish grin spread on his face. However, when he got to his store, he was greeted by Mayor Mare and her assistant.
Discord chuckled. She never thought the mayor would drop in for a visit. He continued his swagger up to the two. “Good morning, Mayor! To what do I owe this pleasure?”
“Discord,” said the mayor without a smile. “We’ve heard that you opened a shop here in Ponyville. We don’t have any records for permits for you to open a shop.”
Discord crossed his arms and leaned down to the Mayor’s level. “And what if I don’t have a permit?”
“You’ll be fined and required to pay for a permit.”
Discord pulled on his beard. “And how much would this fine and permit be?”
The mayor told him.
Discord stopped smirking. He stood up and snapped off his deer antler. “Let me just get that permit for you.” The deer antler shrunk in his lion paw, and he stuck it in the keyhole. The lock clicked open, and Discord opened the door. “Wait here.” The door slammed behind him.
And so the mayor and her assistant waited. And waited.
And waited.
“What is taking him so long?” Mayor Mare opened the door to the outhouse.
Inside, she only saw a dirty toilet and a toilet paper roll with a single square left.
Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts had disappeared.
Discord's Discombobulating Discounts
Bonus - The Unfinished Comic.
Author's Note
I'll get around to finishing this sometime in the near future. For now, I'm more focused on writing.
Bonus - The Unfinished Comic.
The longest 24 hours ever!