“Okay, so five extra large mushroom and hay pizzas with mozzarella, parmesan, and cheddar with extra everything and a stuffed crust. That'll be 1600 bits.”

“Aren't you a Wonderbolt?”

Lightning Dust winced. Sore subject had been thoroughly found and hit. “And aren't you a bit to literally fucking royalty to be ordering five pizzas?” is what she wanted to say, but didn't because that would probably get her fired. Instead she just glared at the customer. “1600 bits, ma'am,” is what she said instead.

Twilight's gaze narrowed. “No, I'm certain that I saw you at the Wonderbolts' Academy. Lightning Dust, right?”

Lightning Dust suppressed a frown, instead just averting her gaze and blushing. “Why, yes, I was in the Wonderbolts Academy, until your stupid traitor friend got me kicked out over nothing,” is what she wanted to say, but didn't because that would probably get her fired. “Please just pay for the pizza, ma'am,” is what she actually said.

“Right, sorry. Hold on a moment.” Twilight turned around to rummage through a purse that, for reasons unfathomable to Lightning Dust, was lying on the ground behind her.

She lives in a crystal palace but can't be bothered to not just have shit lying around all over the floor. Or even to put pants on, Dust noticed, though that in combination with the whole bending over to rummage through her purse thing left Dust with very few complaints. Princess Twilight Sparkle has a very nice butt.

“Oh, dear. I seem to be out of money.”

“What.”

“I guess maybe I could pay you in some other way..?”

“What the fuck,” is what Lightning Dust shouldn't have said, but did anyway. She shouldn't have continued but did; “Are you seriously trying to offer me sex in exchange for pizza?”

“Um, yes?”

“Do you know who has to actually pay for the pizzas if you don't?”

“Uh-”

“Spoilers – It's fucking me.”

“Oh.”

“Also, if I showed up at work half an hour late and smelling of sex, my ass would be fired so hard it'd get scorched.”

“Oh.”

“What the fuck were you thinking.” Dust threw her arms up in exasperation. “Aren't you supposed to be the smart one? That's what Dash said the, like, three times she talked about her friends.”

Twilight shrank into herself, blushing and trying to pull her too-small-to-really-cover-anything t-shirt that was the only article of clothing she was wearing into a position that gave her a modicum more modesty (and failing miserably).”The book said that this was the best way to get laid.”

“... What the fuck books have you been reading?”

“Um, hold on.” Twilight's horn lit up and a book floated over. “How To Pick Up Hot Chicks by Tricky Dick.”

“Oh.”

“Is that bad?”

“Little bit, yeah.” It wasn't even a good pickup artist book, which actually explained a lot. “Why would you even need that kinda thing? You're a princess, you could have basically anypony you want. Just go 'hey, you, bed, now' and bam.”

“That's not what the book says, though...”

“Newsflash; books can be wrong.”

Twilight blinked in stunned silence. “... Really?”

“Well, that specific book sure as fuck is at least.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“So I should find a different book then?”

“I, uh, think this is probably something you shouldn't use a book for.”

“But then how do I know what to do?”

Lightning Dust buried her face in her hands. “Okay, look. You need to pay for these pizzas because if you don't, I have to, and I sure as shit am not taking a 1600 bit hit to my next paycheque because someone thought it'd be a good idea to try and reenact a bad porno because a book told them to. If I wanted to pay 1600 bits for sex, I'd go to a high-end brothel.”

Twilight sheepishly stared at the floor like a dog that had been caught doing something bad. “Okay.”

“And then after work maybe I'll come back and we can, like, talk about this or whatever.”

Twilight's gaze jumped from the ground to Dust in shock. “Wait, really? So you're not mad at me about this?”

“Well, no. I am kinda mad. Buuuuuut,” Dust shrugged, “I'd have to be an idiot to turn down sex with hot royalty.”

“You think I'm hot?”

Dust looked Twilight over. “Well, you've got big tits and a nice ass, and your face is pleasant to look at. Prolly helps that you're only wearing a t-shirt.”

Twilight blushed.

“So, yeah. Here's your pizzas.” She handed Twilight the stack of boxes. “Why do you even need five pizzas, anyway?”

“Oh, for the orgy.”

“what.”

“Well, you know, six mares need a lot of food. And anyway Rainbow Dash said that we could use a few fresh faces or else things'd get stale and the book said that this is the best way to get new people for your orgies, and so I figured I might as well order a lot of pizzas and kill two birds with one stone.” She smiled innocently “Of course, I guess the book was wrong about that. I should scrounge up some bits for the other eight deliverymen.” She handed Dust her bits. “Anyway, when do you get off work? I hope it's soon because Pinkie gets antsy if downtime lasts longer than an hour and trust me, you don't want to see antsy Pinkie Pie. It's not pretty.”

Author's Note

Back to basics: Lightning Dust delivers a pizza.

Nothing explicit in this one, or even really fetishy, but it's hardly safe for work. Also I am rather proud of that punchline.