Hoofbeats woke up early Sunday morning. She let out a long yawn and wiped the rheum from her eyes. She was not used to getting up early on a weekend, or a weekday for that matter, but she was secretly excited about the prospect of walking right into Corn Flake’s trap and tearing it apart. She took a small bag, wherein she packed some mints, some reading material if she got bored, and the Timberwolf vibrator, in case of emergency. She wrapped it tightly in fabric, so it would not vibrate through the bag. Then she walked the few blocks to the church.

The giant chapel loomed before her ominously. The enclosed, dark structure didn’t seem reminiscent of the warmth and brightness of the sun at all. The place was bustling with a diverse crowd of ponies from the same race and socioeconomic background. Except for her bag, she wore no clothes to this affair, and openly brandished her dildo mark, which was met with stares. She caught Brightray in the rabble and trotted up next to her.

“Get out of here!” an old lady yelled at her.

“Not too cheery, is it?” she commented.

Brightray replied, “Mrs. Jenkins? Oh, she’s just like that with everyone. Probably can’t even see your cutie mark.”

“Damn millennials,” the woman muttered, even though all the millennials were pushing thirty.

They made their way to a pew near the front with Brightray’s family. A hush fell over the crowd as Corn Flake approached the podium.

“Free Bird!” Hoofbeats almost yelled, but she bit her lip instead.

“Good morning,” he said to the congregation, “Let us open in prayer.” Everypony closed their eyes and bowed their heads except for Hoofbeats.

“Dearest Celestia,” he prayed, “we praise your name this day. Please guide us with your holy sunlight, for we are but poor sinners and we do not know de wae. Shine your light into the darkness. I ask you to please bless this day and keep us safe in the long night. Amen.”

“Amen,” the congregation said in unison. Then they all stood and sang a hymn to Celestia. Unlike normal spontaneous musical numbers, Hoofbeats did not magically know all the words, but she knew that old trick where if you mouth the word “watermelon” repeatedly, it looks like you are singing along.

She noticed that “watermelon” has the same mouth movements as “motherfucker”, but she didn’t switch words because that’s just what they would be expecting.

And now you’re saying “watermelon motherfucker” to yourself.

After the song, once everypony was seated and silent, the sermon had officially begun. Corn Flake cleared his throat.

“Today, I would like to speak to you about the Element of Generosity. Generosity is an act of service toward another which requires a sacrifice. When you give a gift of your time, money, and yourself, you forego your own desires for the good of the many. Then, when you are in need, your good friends will come to your aid and repay your charity.

“But woe be unto they who forego Generosity in favor of their own self-pleasure. This offsets the natural balance of Harmony and those who selfishly please themselves are the agents of Discord!”

“More like dick sword, amirite?” Hoofbeats whispered.

“Shut up,” Brightray mouthed and nudged her.

The sermon continued like this, explaining that a love of the self was the opposite of Generosity and an affront to Celestia. After that spiel, the ushers passed around a collection plate and everypony put some bits in for their weekly tithe. The ponies around Hoofbeats noticed she did not donate and scowled at her. She commented that she had not made any money yet, which generated some judgemental murmurs.

Then with the gusto of a circus ringleader, Corn Flake announced, “And now, brothers and sisters, I would like to take a brief respite from our regular program to introduce somepony. Hoofbeats, would you please stand up?”

Hoofbeats stood up and waved.

“The reason I call attention to this young mare is that she has come to our family as a repentant sinner in need of salvation.”

“Nah, I’m good. Also, not cool to single a pony out like that.”

“Apologies, dear, I assumed you would not mind the attention.”

Brightray feared confrontation and slid down in her seat.

Corn Flake continued, “Tell me, please, do you praise the all-loving benevolence of Celestia?”

“I prefer Luna, actually. I’m a Lunist, a Lunatic?”

“Is that why you reject the light?”

“Uh, no. I get lots of sunlight. Gotta get that Vitamin D. Wink.” She actually said "wink" out loud.

Brightray was completely beneath the pew at this point.

“I am not speaking about literal sunlight. I’m talking about the harmonious light of piety. You lead a life of carnal sin and you wish to spread it to these innocent ponies.”

“As if they aren’t already jacking off.”

“Actually,” Corn Flake motioned to his assembly, “you will see that we are a pure and proud group, which is why it is my duty to inform them of your malicious intent to sell sexual paraphernalia out of our town.”

The crowd gasped. Some ponies clutched their pearls.

He continued, “It was Thomas Equinas who first said that masturbation is a practice opposed to the pattern set for us by nature. We are meant to go forth and multiply. Not doing so taints the conscience of the whole of Equestria.”

Hoofbeats felt powerful, and she imagined her taint consuming the world.

“So this is your plan then?” she asked, “Calling me out in front of everypony? You know what I call that? Free advertising. You don’t seem to understand the level of cognitive dissonance here. Your little followers will nod and agree now, but oh I will get orders.”

However, the looks she received betrayed no disingenuity.

“Why did you bring her here?” one pony shouted, “One bad apple spoils the bunch!”

“She says we’re no better than mere sheep!” said another. Actually, if she were to make a speciesist comment, she would call them asses, because they reminded her of Westburro Baptists.

Ponies crowded around her confrontatively. She backed up slowly but she was surrounded on all sides. A stallion shoved her to the ground. She pulled the dildo out of her bag and started swinging it. She threw it at the crowd. The area cleared and she made her escape through the gap. The toy rolled under the seats and Brightray hastily scooped it up and tucked it in her own bag. Hoofbeats ran home while a crowd of angry ponies shouted at her. Brightray crawled out and scooted toward Corn Flake.

“I’m so sorry,” she apologized, “I didn’t know she was this far gone.”

The leader replied, “It’s ok, child. It will all work out for the best, just like last time.”

“Last time?”

“Prince Blueblood. He was a sinner too, and we straightened him out. You just need to have faith.”

For Brightray, this was more confusing than comforting. How could the church have shamed Celestia’s own family like they did to Hoofbeats today? She left that day a little less faithful than before.

Author's Note

"Squishy turtles" also has similar lip movements to "watermelon" or "motherfucker". That's been my calming mantra for quite a while now because it has all the right sounds and it works its way from the back of the mouth to the front and it just feels really good to say.
Squishy turtles.