I can't get fat, I'm an alicorn!

A deep blue eye twitched as it tried in vain to focus on the scroll floating in front of it, a quill flicking about in thought. Or, lack thereof. Incessant munching and crunching noises echoed off the tiled walls, occasionally interrupted by the tinkling of a hoof being shoved into a glass bowl.

“Sister, please... Can’t thou be less noisy?”

The response was forced through a mouthful of dry, flat potato chips. A disappointed sigh was heard. “Thou really should cut back on thy snacking. The chips of potato are not the healthiest food in our country, after all.”

Celestia swallowed. “Oh come now Luna, I highly doubt this is going to wreck my figure.” She laughed, saliva-soaked crumbs peppering the air in front of her. “Besides, I love Barbeque-flavor!”

Luna shot her a gawk. “Thou doest realize that ‘barbeque’ is a method of preparing meat, correct?”

A white shrug. “It works well when seasoning potato chips.” The white alicorn shoved another hoof-full into her mouth. “Anth I’m uh alvikuhrn. Ah dhnt thig ah chn get fht.”

Blue eyes drifted down to the older mare’s midsection, noticing how it seemed to be slightly round. “Are you sure, sister?”

“Mmhmph.” Celestia shoved her hoof into her stomach, expecting it to halt upon contact, but was surprised when her belly swallowed it up like a water balloon. She blinked, and turned to Luna.

A smile tugged at the darker mare’s blue lips, her eyes glistening with amusement.

Princess Celestia shot her a glare, swallowing her mouthful of junk food. “...It’s not funny, Luna.” This only caused the smaller alicorn to audibly snicker.

“Understood...” More snickering.

Celestia peeled her eyes off of her sister, choosing to ignore her, and stuck her gilded hoof into the bowl next to her. She frowned as she realized it was empty. “Night Shade!”

One of Luna’s Night Guards zipped in front of the white goddess. “You called, your highness?” He nodded as his superior flicked a white hoof at the empty glass bowl, and picked it up in his wings before darting out a nearby doorway.

Celestia smirked. “He knows what I want.”

“I wholeheartedy suggest that thou request a salad instead of more unhealthy fried sna-” Luna was interrupted as the magically-altered bat guard returned, toting a glass bowl filled with seasoned potato chips. Her eyes shined at him. “Night Shade, take those back and prepare a salad.”

The white alicorn glared at her, before smiling warmly at the conflicted guard. “Don’t mind Princess Luna, just set those chips right here on this table...” She patted the glass mesa with her front hoof.

“A salad, Night Shade. Doesn’t thou think the Mistress of the Sun is losing her figure?”

The guard simply raised a hoof, mouth open to speak, before cringing as the white alicorn yelled at him.

“I said, on the table!” Celestia’s outburst caused the stallion’s ears to fold back against his head, and he hastily dropped the bowl onto the table before running away in fright. The older princess stared at the door he fled through, pretending to contemplate as she shoved more potato chips down her gullet.

Luna sighed, shaking her head in disappointment. “At this rate, thou are going to turn into one of those fat, tyrannical political figures that we see in Western countries...”

The only reply was a hearty, obese laugh.

*** *** ***

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough, sister? Thou may be immortal, but I do not believe immortality will protect thou from thy own gorging.” She pursed her lips as she noticed how her speech seemed to be fluctuating between the Royal ‘We’ and the way modern ponies spoke.

A large knife cut a dainty slice out of the famous Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, a delicacy prepared by Ponyville’s own Sugar Cube Corner, before everything except that one slice soon disappeared down a white gullet. “I don’t know what you mean, Luna. A little cake won’t hurt anypony.”

Luna’s eyebrows furrowed. “A little? Sister, thou are really going overboard!”

A small lavender unicorn approached with a friendly smile on her face, before it gave way to perplexion as her purple eyes analyzed Celestia’s oddly pudgy body. “Princess? Uhm...” A purple hoof scuffed at the floor. “Have you ever thought about visiting a personal trainer? Or at least... uh... changing your diet? I-I know you really like sweets, but it really isn’t healthy to eat them all the time...”

Luna smirked at Celestia. “I told you.”

The white alicorn frowned. Since Gabby Gums had written an article about her being ‘just like’ normal ponies, she no longer felt uncomfortable eating sugary foods in public. She had before, but now that everypony knew...

She snorted. Personal training her plot. She cast a sidelong glance at the other ponies in the room -- they were holding a party of sorts. There was pulsating techno-dance music managed by a grinning blue-maned white unicorn with large purple glasses, several ponies dancing amidst the flashing lights, and a confections table -- Oh sweet Faust, the confections table! -- all in her castle ballroom. Hmm... She could trot over there and dance. Dancing was exercise, right?

It wasn’t long before she was gleefully hopping to the beat with the rest of the ponies, although unfortunately she was not the best dancer in Equestria, and her ‘dancing’ involved a lot of swinging herself around. She obliviously knocked smaller ponies away with her colossal flank as she giggled and spun, sending them into nearby furniture. She didn’t notice as she smacked a large orange stallion and sent him spinning into the confections table, catapulting (what was left of) the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness through the air to land on one unfortunate mare. Said mare screamed and ran around in neat-freak panic, before unfortunately meeting the Royal Flank and crashing through the large window on the wall. Her screams faded away as she fell two hundred feet and splashed into the river below.

The music ground to a halt, and all the dancing ponies gathered around the shattered window to investigate, murmuring worriedly to each other. Celestia frowned at Luna. “Uhm...”

A sigh was heard. “I’ll get the medical papers...”

*** *** ***

A quill floated daintily above a piece of parchment, occasionally dipping to write. Celestia was currently signing a form to cover all medical charges on Mint Chocolate, as the poor mare was now in the hospital in a full body cast, and her family absolutely could not afford the medical bill. Turns out, hitting water at terminal velocity was equivalent to hitting concrete at terminal velocity. The white alicorn felt horrible, her face locked in a despaired frown as she pondered if Mint Chocolate was going to be okay.

She levitated another slice of a Sweet Apple Acres Apple Pie to her mouth, before biting into it, the apple sauce sticking to her muzzle. The sweet taste helped to distract her from her troubles. Luna had insisted that she stop eating so much junk food, so Celestia decided to sign the papers in her private chambers, where her sister couldn’t see her eating the pastry. What she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her, right?

Another bite, and her mouth exploded with tart flavor. Not quite as good as the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness -- she needed to hire the Cakes to bake her another one -- but still delicious.

Her ears shot up as she heard the distinctive creak of her door opening, and she immediately shoved the pie under her bed, vigorously wiping her face with a nearby towel. A small purple hoof stepped in the doorway, followed by the body of her student. “Princess, Luna wanted me to talk to you about all the sweets you’ve been eating... It really isn’t healthy. You’re immortal, yes, but your body works the same way as other ponies, you know. Too much cake will make you fat.”

Celestia laughed to herself, disregarding the unicorn’s warning. “Oh, Twilight, I’m not fat! See?” She again shoved her hoof into her underbelly. It was like there was a big hungry monster in there, eager to devour her entire foreleg.

After a moment, Twilight snickered, earning a regal glare. Celestia sighed. She wanted her apple pie. Suddenly, the young student was knocked spiraling head-over-hooves through the air as ravenous group of sharply-dressed ponies with microphones stampeded into the princess’s private quarters.

A large microphone was shoved into her face. “Princess Celestia, ponies all over are recommending you to join the Professional Wrestling League of Equestria! An anonymous orange stallion reports that your flank has the destructive power of the sun itself!” one of the ponies shouted enthusiastically, as if talking to a large crowd.

Celestia closed her mouth, just now noticing that it was hanging wide open. A groan came from behind her, before Twilight dragged herself to the princess’s side, wiping her mane out of her eyes. Looking behind her, the alicorn noted that there was a suspiciously Twilight-shaped dent in the wall.

“Uh... I’m afraid I don’t do wrestling...” It was a sport in which huge, sweaty earth stallions crawled all over each other and tried to cut off the other’s air supply. Not really her thing. Besides, would it be cheating, since she was much larger than a normal pony?

The reporter simply blinked. “Are you sure? Think of all the public appeal you’d get!”

Celestia scratched her chin with a curious forehoof. “Well...” Hey, wrestling was exercise, right? At least it would get Luna off of her flank. “Perhaps I could-”

She wasn’t even able to finish her sentence before she was dragged off by the horde of newsponies, who, despite their numbers, were still having trouble moving her.

And then one of them pulled a latex mask over her face.

“Oh, Faust...”

(A/N:) And this is why you don’t give me coffee, folks. Blame Beige Monkfish. This is ALL his fault. Will Celestia survive this “wrestling” sport she has been drafted into? Will she CRUSH her competition with her solar-powered flank? Will she perhaps go under an alias? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BALL Z!