I can't get fat, I'm an alicorn!

The arena was filled with the deafening cheers of hundreds of ponies. Pounding heavy rock music accompanied it, turned up so loud that the distortion of the electric guitar caused the bleachers to vibrate. The spotlights mounted on the catwalks overhead moved around in unorthodox ways, their operators whipping them all over the room to further excite the crowd.

A loud hiss overpowered the cheering and music as steam blasted up from the raised platform in the center, a grinning, sunglasses-wearing beige earth pony with a microphone clipped onto his vest emerging from the thick mist. He had a megaphone as a cutie mark.

“HELLO, EVERYPONY! WELCOME TO PONYVILLE’S UNDERGROUND WRESTLING LEAGUE, HOSTED BY YOURS TRULY, FEEDBACK!” The earth pony’s surprisingly deep voice boomed over the loudspeakers, his vocalization reverberating off the walls. The architecture actually increased the echo. “WE HAVE AN EXCITING MATCH FOR YOU TONIGHT! IIIIN THE BLUE CORNER, WE HAVE YOUR FAVORITE ROUGH N’ TOUGH STALLION, STEAAAAAAKKK DIINNEEERRRRR!!!”

The crowd roared as another blast of steam rose from one end of the ring, a muscular yellow earth stallion with a large scar across one eye walking out, calm and collect.

“AAAAAND IN THE RED CORNER, WE HAVE A NEWCOMER, AN OVERSIZED UNICORN FROM AMAREICA! PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME TOOOO... LEAAAAD FLAAAAANNKKKK!!!”

Princess Celestia lifted a forehoof to her mouth, coughing painfully as she walked through the plume of gas. It wasn’t actually steam -- it tasted oddly of carrots. Or more accurately... carrot cake. Mmmmm...

The crowd apparently did not show favoritism -- they shrieked just as loud for her as they did for the pony who was apparently her opponent. Steak Dinner? A very strange name for a wrestler pony... Well, it wasn’t too much goofier than her alias. Where the heck was Amareica? And she really didn’t see why the announcer compared her flank to the one of the heaviest elements on the Periodic Tabl-oh. Just for a moment, she wished she knew a spell to shoot a laser from her eyes, just so she could fry him with her glare.

She approached the earth stallion, her thick black vest scraping uncomfortably against her wings. One of the wrestling manager ponies made her wear it, along with a matching mask, so that nopony would know who she was. She snorted. Yeah, right. As if the fact that she was nearly twice the size of the average mare (not to mention her flowing multicolored mane) wasn’t a dead giveaway.

Yet, there were no ponies shouting “Hey, it’s Princess Celestia!” at her. Steak Dinner simply stared up at her grandiose stature. His cutie mark was a fork. How fitting. Celestia’s violet eyes scanned the nearby crowd, seeing nothing more than smiling faces, faces buried in popcorn, and the occasional foam finger. Nopony recognized her.

Faust, were these ponies that stupid?

“WE’RE FOLLOWING TRADITIONAL ‘SAY UNCLE’ RULES FOR THIS MATCH. FIGHT TO THE SURRENDER! OR UNTIL ONE OF YOU PASSES OUT. WHICHEVER COMES FIRST! HAH HAH HAH HAH!” The announcer exited the stage, and the music stopped, leaving only the cheering of the crowd to fill the air.

A bell was rung. The earth stallion charged at her, obviously intending to knock her over, but upon colliding with her side he bounced away as if he had run straight into a flabby trampoline. He landed on his back with a grunt, blinking to recover from his temporary daze.

With a sigh, Celestia turned her rump to face him. With a heavy whump and a distinctively un-stallionly squeak, his head and torso vanished underneath her massive glutes. Muffled screams issued from beneath the alicorn’s flank as the stallion’s yellow limbs flailed wildly, trying to push her off, but to no avail. He was up against the destructive power of the sun itself! Oh, and lead. Lots of lead.

Celestia wore a bored expression as she waited patiently, wondering if this was cheating. After a few more seconds, the flailing slowed and stopped, the stallion’s yellow limbs lying limp on the floor.

“AAAAAND WE HAVE A KNOCKOUT!!”

The bell rang twice, and the crowd roared as Celestia picked up her flank, revealing a gasping, blue-faced earth pony. After his face regained its color, he jumped to his hooves and scampered away as quickly as possible.

Feedback walked onto the stage, his shiny white grin beaming like a toothy flashlight. “CONGRATULATIONS LEAD FLANK, YOU HAVE WON YOUR FIRST MATCH WITHOUT EVEN LIFTING A HOOF! DO YOU HAVE ANY WORDS FOR THE CROWD, OR TAUNTS FOR YOUR FUTURE OPPONENTS? HOW ABOUT EXPLAINING TO US HOW YOU GOT TO BE SO BIG? EATING YOUR VEGETABLES?”

“Lead Flank! Lead Flank! Lead Flank! Lead Flank!” the crowd chanted. Celestia sighed angrily.

“I want more chips...” she grumbled as she walked away.

*** *** ***

Crunching noises filled the living room as the two royal sisters sat next to each other, sitting lazily on a lavender couch and staring at a strange box mounted on top of another box. It had a moving picture on it.

“Sho uhm, whft ifth shish thhng?” Celestia asked around a mouthful of Garden Salsa-flavored wheat chips.

Luna, who was actually keeping her distance from the voluptuous alicorn on the other side of the couch, took a breath. “It’s a ‘television’. It’s something that the Science and Arcane Research Institute of Amareica invented. It’s supposed to let ponies see what other ponies are doing over a large distance,” she said slowly, carefully, making sure not to slip into the Royal ‘We’. She shot a momentary glare at her sister. “Now, thou-... you promised you would eat a salad after this bowl.”

Celestia swallowed. “I’ll get around to it.” Her sister facehoofed.

The ‘television’ showed a middle-aged pink pegasus with a short-cut deep blue mane hovering in place as another pony with a microphone asked her questions. “Oh! Oh! I love Lead Flank! I mean, she’s crazy tough!” the mare said in an oddly tomboyish voice, flexing both of her forelegs. “She’s so fat, but so awesome!” And now she was shoving her hooves into her face to create a fish-mouth.

“Thank you, Firefly! Tell me, what else...” The rest of the interviewer’s sentence was cut off by Luna’s giggling. Once again, Celestia wished she could fire lasers from her eyes. Could she? It couldn’t be that hard.

The white alicorn reached into her glass bowl, but again it was empty. Her sister smirked at her, before getting up to leave. “I’ll prepare thy-... your salad, dear sister,” she laughed as her starry tail disappeared through the doorway.

Celestia nervously looked around, before her horn lit up with bright yellow magic and a familiar apple pie emerged from beneath the couch. The alicorn almost released a very un-royal squee as she smiled, opening her mouth to take a bite.

It was like heaven. In her mouth. Yeahhhh.

She would have time to enjoy the entire pie, too! Knowing how bad Luna was with cooking, it would no doubt take her ten minutes to-

“Princess Celestia?”

She choked on her bite of pie, her head whipping to the source of the voice. It was Twilight again, closely followed by Rainbow Dash. She quickly stored her pie back beneath the couch, smiling innocently. Her horn glowed as she conjured a little halo above her head.

“Heya Princess! Twilight was telling me about how you’re eating a lot of crap, and that you might need a personal trai-...” Dash’s amethyst eyes widened as she stared at the television screen, specifically at the pink pegasus mare. “...M... Mom...?” she whispered. Her head whipped to Twilight. “I-I’m sorry Twi, I have to go. I haven’t seen her in ten years!” she shouted as she flew full-speed out the door.

The unicorn pointed a hoof after her. “Dash, Wait! The princess needs a trainer! Hold o-... Awwghh,” she groaned, bringing a hoof to her face. “Celestia damn it...”

The alicorn in question blinked in surprise. “What am I damning?”

Twilight momentarily froze up with a quiet gasp. “N-nothing!” She shook her head vigorously up at her mentor. “Uhh... Well, I was trying to get Dash to be your personal trainer, but it looks like she has... more important things to do.” She facehoofed again, once again cursing the princess’s name under her breath.

Celestia grinned silently at her protégé, wishing for her to leave so she could finish her pie. A bead of sweat rolled down the back of her neck as she locked eyes with Twilight, her face frozen. She turned her attention back to the screen of a television. There was a huge, burly earth pony standing only about a foot away from the camera.

“Yeah? I don’t care who she is! You hear me, Lead Flank!? You’re goin’ down!” he shouted in a deep, gruff, rumbling voice, pressing his face against the camera before he was pulled away. Celestia did not take his threat to heart -- she could just sit on him.

She shifted to a more comfortable position on the couch, but it released a loud crack before collapsing in on itself. She stared down at it, wide-eyed.

“Sister, I have returned, and I brought your-” Luna almost dropped the salad bowl she was levitating at the sight of the white blob sprawled over the broken piece of furniture. “Oh, my... You really do need to lose weight. I fear for the rest of the castle’s furniture, particularly your throne.” There was a moment of silence, before she fell into a fit of laughter.

Celestia rose to her hooves, stomping. “I am not fat!”

Twilight, who was currently levitating the television’s remote to change the channel, lost her footing at the princess’s stomping, and accidentally tossed the remote at her. It flew towards her underbelly... and then it was gone. The alicorn stared at her gut, blinking. Twilight walked around her, looking around her hooves for any sign of the device.

Luna was rolling on the floor, gripping her sides as she bellowed with laughter. Celestia groaned.

*** *** ***

A new day, a new sun. Forget the troubles of yesterday, she had always told her personal protégé. Forget thy troubles, gorge thyself with cake.

She glanced around at the yellow-and-pink walls of Sugar Cube Corner, sitting daintily at one of the tables and feasting on a delectable piece of Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. It was only one cake, as opposed to the multi-leveled masterpiece the dish usually was. If she was going to lose weight... she had to start somewhere. One cake, instead of four. That was an improvement, right?

“Do you like it, Princess?” a particular pink party pony asked, happily bouncing up and down next to Celestia’s table. The alicorn nodded happily, earning a little high-pitched squee from her subject. “Yee-hee-heeee!!”

A few minutes passed, and Celestia had almost finished her cake. Pinkie frowned at her. “Princess, don’t you think that too much tasty cake eating will make you... ya’ know...?”

The princess laughed, jiggling. “Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Pinkie! I can’t get fat; I’m an alicorn!”

The eclectically happy party pony’s face brightened with a wide grin. “Ooooh, a namedrop! Smooth!”

Celestia raised an eyebrow at that, but decided to dismiss it. Pinkie sometimes didn’t make sense, but Celestia didn’t get to be a princess by being judgemental.

The bell above Sugar Cube Corner’s door rang melodically as another pony entered, followed by a short gasp. “Princess! You’re not supposed to be eating more cake!”

Celestia groaned in obvious discontent.

“You’re supposed to be trying to lose weight!”

A white muzzle dropped into white forehooves. Go away, Twilight. You’re ruining my happy place.

“Didn’t I already tell you about how being an alicorn does not give you a ridiculous metabolism?” Twilight asked, staring at her mentor.

“You should listen to Twilight, Princess. She was an alicorn once,” Pinkie added, pursing her lips as she gazed at Celestia. The princess picked her head up, raising an eyebrow at her student. Twilight in turn raised one at Pinkie.

“Pinkie, what are you talking about?” Twilight asked.

The sugar-jacked mare blinked a few times in realization. “Oh, whoopsie! Wrong story!” She grinned, beginning to bounce happily again.

Twilight cast a helpless glance at Celestia. “I still don’t understand what she means... She once tried to convince me that Fluttershy killed Dash with a giant red laser coming out of her forehooves.” She frowned.

Celestia nodded in mock understanding, before downing the rest of her cake. The bell above the front door rang again.

“So, Mom, this is Sugar Cube Corner! It’s where my friend Pinkie Pie works. Usually she’s-oh! Hey, guys!” Rainbow Dash greeted, hovering slightly off the ground next to a pink pegasus mare that bore a striking resemblance to her.

“Ooh! The plot thickens!” Pinkie chirped, continuing to bounce in place. There was a dreadful silence as all eyes turned to Celestia. Somepony very far away let out a loud cough. “...Heh, I stole that from a comment.”

“Uhm... it’s a cool place, I guess.” The pink pegasus raked her eyes over the environment. “I’m not really into sweets.”

“Alrighty then, Mom. I’ll see ya’ later, Pinkie; I gotta show my mom around town,” Dash said, a rainbow trail zipping out the door, followed closely by a dark blue streak.

“Erm... thanks for the cake, Pinkie, but I need to go,” Celestia said, getting up and walking out the doorway, wings held high above her. Unfortunately, her protégé followed her out.

*** *** ***

“So... Did you hear about that new competitor in the Equestrian Wrestling League? I’ve never even heard of Amareica before she showed up. Sweet Celestia, Amareican mares must all be huge!” Twilight gushed, grinning widely.

Celestia raised an eyebrow at her. She didn’t know that Twilight liked to watch wrestling. Just how popular was this sport, anyway? And... seriously? Even Twilight didn’t recognize her? Her costume wasn’t even that good!

“I want to meet her so I can run some diagnostics on her flank to see if it’s actually made of lead,” the scientist added. The princess resisted the urge to facehoof. “I heard that stallion is still in therapy!”

“Oh, yes... I know her quite well...”

Twilight stopped short with a gasp. “Y-you do??” she asked, the glint in her eye rivaling the sun as she smiled up at the alicorn. “Can you arrange for me to meet her? Please? Pleaaase?”

Celestia stared down at the excited unicorn, worried. She hadn’t expected this. “Uhm... Sure, I’ll see if she has some free time in her schedule...!” She grinned awkwardly. Please buy it, please buy it, please buy it...

Twilight began hopping around Celestia like a little filly, shouting “Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!”

The alicorn took a deep breath, before sighing in relief. She could always pretend that ‘Lead Flank’ was too busy to meet the little unicorn. Thank Faust. She began a hastened trot away, her student gleefully bouncing after her not unlike a pink party pony she had talked to just moments ago.

*** *** ***

Upon returning to the castle, Celestia almost immediately went to her royal kitchen. The heck with you, Luna and Twilight. I’ll eat as much tasty food as I want! She felt rather hefty, to be honest, but hey, it wasn’t that bad. Licking her lips, she telekinetically opened her refrigerator and peered inside at the delicious, mouth-watering cloud cake within. It was a delicacy made by pegasi, and apparently the main ingredient was a cloud made with sugar. She didn’t quite understand how that worked, but it didn’t matter. It was tasty.

Upon reaching out with her magic to grasp the sweet, sweet pastry, it fizzed out of existence, leaving only a note. Frowning, she brought it to her eyes.

Dearest Sister,

You are not listening to me. You’ve let yourself go! As such, by the request of Twilight Sparkle, I have booked Rainbow Dash to be your personal physical trainer to work off that... pudge you have acquired. In addition, the castle will be purged of any and all junk foods, including your favorite cake. You will also be watched at all times by two Royal Guards to make sure you don’t go out into Ponyville and procure any sweets behind my back. I’m very sorry, but this is the way it has to be.

Princess Luna

Celestia’s scream of denial could be heard all the way from Cloudsdale.

(A/N:) And the coffee lasts for Round Two! The buzz hasn’t died yet, no sir! And it’s still Beige’s fault!

Speaking of Beige Monkfish, the pony named “Feedback” is actually him in disguise. Totally.

Lastly, I live in America (Texas to be specific), so therefore I am allowed to poke fun at its stereotype. Yes, it’s incorrect. Asians can’t levitate bowls of rice, can they? Regardless, it’s very fun to play with. Amareica totally invented the Television, a device that encourages one to sit on their flank all day. Ha ha, get it?