An Alien's Guide to Equestria

"So what do you think? Good, isn't it?"

Nee sat down in a nearby chair by Gilda the Griffon as she munched on a meaty-looking leg, nibbling slightly before actually tearing into the flesh more thouroughly. She chewed it slightly, tilting her head slightly to the side before nodding in delight and agreement.

"Yeah! Real nice. Not too fatty."

"Wait until you try a wing."

"Are you comparing the taste of ponies?!" Dash demanded to know as she waltzed into the main hall, frowning darkly, giving the two a dark look. "That better not be anyone I know!"

"No, not, it's actually. It's Manticore." Nee wagged a clawed digit in the air as Rainbow Dash sat down in a nearby chair, Nee sitting back down by the typewriter as Gilda waved the manticore leg in the air at Dash.

"You wanna try?" The griffon asked, golden/amber eyes glistening mischievously.

Rainbow Dash gaped slightly, mouth hanging open so wide you could have fit a watermelon into it. "What? No! I'm a total herbivore! I don't know any pony who'd eat Manticore!"

"You love the Insane Colt Posse." Gilda remarked accusingly, pointing with her free hand at her friend, mouth half full of Manticore meat. The day was young, and Nee had all of it to ask Gilda questions about the Gryphon or Griffon race. The sun cast soft rays through the window outside, filtering in gently as tiny dust motes flittered about through the air like little sprites. And Dash blushed at the accusation, turning slightly away.

"Geez...I like them a lot, but...I'm not THAT big a fan!"

FULL DISCLOSURE: The Insane Colt Posse is a horror core, shock rap group that is has a strong underground following, especially among Pegasus and Griffons. They're not really a "band", they don't play instruments, but they DO dump "Colt Cola" on their heads, paint their faces like psychotic clowns and talk frequently about cutting people's heads off, eating eyeballs, stabbing you with the blunt end of a broomstick, and other such wholesome topics. I've actually spoken with them and they aren't insane in the slightest...

"I don't know. I heard they boil people in oil." Nee admitted as she looked up from her typewriter, cringing slightly. "I mean, that's just mean."

"Now, now, hold on. Let me check their biography." Rainbow Dash said, quickly trotting off, returning a few hurried moments later, Gilda giving her a knowing look as Nee blinked in surprise.

"That took ten seconds. Do you have an Insane Colt book in every single room in the castle?"

"...maybe." Rainbow Dash admitted with a nervous gulp before looking through the book. "I can stop anytime I-HA! Nothing in here in their index about oil one bit! I mean really? Boiling them in oil? C'moonnnn." She said, shaking her head back and forth.

Nee sighed. But she was unwilling to cede her point. "The Insane Colt Posse come up with some fascinating, if not disturbing, topics for songs. But they're not model artists. They're not even model omnivores. Maybe they..." Nee scratched her head. "Boil people in some sort of bouillon."

Rainbow Dash checked through the index again, blinking slightly, mouth briefly hanging open before closing, flipping to another page.

"Oh! Yep. They boil people."

Indeed, the Insane Clown Posse actually spent 10 thousand bits on their latest concert. I should point out that not all of that went to whatever they did backstage. No, 2 thousand went to Colt Cola to give to the audience, and they just love spraying it out over their fans, the rest for set up for the stage including a fascinating fake burning pony skull they emerged from, and smoke machines. Everyone loves smoke machines. In fact, only one thousand two hundred bits went to "Personal Items". In other words, bigger, better, pony-boiling pots.

"You know, you like Catty Perry, Gilda. I don't complain about her." Rainbow Dash wisecracked, rolling her eyes.

"CATTY PERRY? Really?!" Nee asked, laughing uproariously, slapping her knee. "I mean, have you heard her latest song? Nobody wanted to hear about her birthday suit and "big balloons"!"

Gilda gave Dash and Nee a look, arms folding across her chest. "You're a fan of Pitbull the Diamond Dog and his songs are almost entirely based around the idea of "Party Party Party and Drink Drink Drink"!" She snorted.

"Got me there, Gilda." Rainbow Dash admitted as she blushed a bit. "But seriously, I'm...it's real good to hear how well you've been doing since I saw you. And it's real nice to have you here."

"Yeah, well..." Gilda blushed herself, the two now sitting quite close to each other. "What're friends for, huh?"

And with that, the two leaned in. "Yeah." Dash admitted. "What're friends for."

"Yeah." Gilda said, her tone now husky, their mouths inches from each other.

"Yeaaaah..." Dash whispered. Closer...closer...

And then, just half an inch from Gilda's beak, Dash pulled back. "D'awww, I can't do it right in front of people!"

"YES! I'm STILL the Queen of "Gay Chicken"! In more ways than one!" Gilda triumphantly proclaimed, Nee giving her a chuckle at this as Dash nervously rubbed the back of her neck.

"Okay "Lovebird". Could you tell me about the Three Clans?" Nee asked, Gilda giving Nee a nod. "I want to know everything you can tell me."

THE POWER OF THREE

Griffons don't taste like manticore, though. They really do taste like chicken. But it isn't just me saying that, but the Griffons themselves who say that.

You see, there are three gigantic clans of Griffons. The Northern Griffons who call Griffonstone, the Eastern Griffons who call the Dark Forest home, and the Western Griffons of FeatherFire. Precisely 4287 years ago, there was an enormous civil war that made the Griffon race split into those three factions, and it stemmed from a lack of food. You see the Griffons had originally ALL lived in the North, in the mighty city of Clawdor. But though its stadiums were large enough to fit a thousand people easily, though its towers could reach up into the clouds themselves, though their aqueducts were well constructed and the streets were supposedly paved with gold itself...with so many people living so close together this meant disease could spread swiftly. And a particular disease hit the Griffon race hard. It was called the "Cannibal Curse", and it turned the Griffons cannibalistic for decades. They waged war with each other, reducing Clawdor into wreckage, and according to the history boos, "Untold Millions" lost their lives. The most conservative estimate is that 4 million Griffons died, and the only reason the horror stopped was because after so many years of enduring the disease, the Griffon race built up an immunity to it, and the younger generations wisely decided to simply split, leaving Clawdor behind as the older generations perished in madness and death.

Three groups of Griffon refugees, all seeking new homes, found them in the most unlikeliest of places. To those who looked to the North, they found large, untapped gold mines and began to dig into them, building up a new society bit by bit. But they had issues of trust and selfishness to work past, for a Griffon's heart is just as greedy as a dragon's. They were able to work past it by rallying around a symbol of pride, and I can respect this.

I know many races find pride to be something...wrong. Something sinful. But let me explain. Pride in being praised isn't a bad thing. Pride in your abilities isn't a bad thing. Being satisfied with what you are and wanting to feel unique and special is not sinful. The issue comes from going "I've done well, all is well" to "Gee, what an amazing person I am to do that". When your head starts going up your ass...that's when you go too far.

My own race suffered far too much of that. We thought ourselves morally superior by virtue of our very existence as living galaxies, and that in limiting ourselves to be on a fairer playing field with our prey, we were being noble and just and magnanimous. To an extent, it is. But we weren't doing that to be fair, we were doing it because it satisfied ourselves. And you can't act like that. It's just plain dickish.

And in rallying around pride, around the Idol of Boreas, the Griffons could work for others, not just individually for themselves. Pride created unity. For that, I would take my hat off to them...if I wore a hat. But I don't. They feel weird on me.

The Western Griffons are different. They found gold in the mountains to the far west, but they also found dragons. And the dragons didn't like sharing their jewel and gold deposits one iota. A horrific and bloody guerrilla conflict began to play out as the Griffons struck out at Dragonkin in concentrated attacks, hiding back into the vast expanses of the Western Mountains before the dragons could strike back, whilst the dragons engaged in as much scorched earth campaigns as they could manage against any Griffon encampments they found. It was simply horrifying.

But then a Griffon did the unthinkable. The Griffon Apsu became attracted to the dragoness Tiamat, Tiamat attracted to his sheer bravery when he faced her head on in a fight outside her home, actually thinking he could sneak in and steal her precious diamond necklace from off her dresser. They had children together, giving birth to dragons with more feathery, almost angelic wings and griffons with tails with burning bonfires at the end which could set entire fields blazing. The two warring species were astonished by this. And truth be told, many of the Griffons were quite tired of the horrors of war, having left Clawdor to get AWAY from all that, with the dragons growing tired of the constant assaults on their homes. They made peace and set up what became the draconic capital Hearthstone. There's not too many Griffons there, many of them travel outside the city, but Apsu and Tiamat became famous.

Regrettably, they also became infamous. Because Apsu wanted to kill his son and daughter to ensure that he could remain on the throne. Tiamat didn't want to, she still cared for her children. Unfortunately his son Ea decided to act first and killed Apsu in his sleep...and Tiamat awoke to see him and his own son Marduk dragging the body away.

Tiamat supposedly went insane upon seeing that and tried to slaughter them both, Marduk giving her a heavy blow that sent her tumbling down a chasm, never to return. But at night when a blood moon rises, you can faintly hear her horrific, twisted, sobbing laughter as if she's still down there...unable to die.

MORE FULL DISCLOSURE: I actually decided I wanted to go visit Tiamat's Chasm and see if this is true. I'll report my findings in a later chapter. I think there is some real truth to what they're saying, but as long-lived as dragons can be, I doubt Tiamat is still alive.

The Griffons in the Deep Forest to the East, however, they're the most mysterious, and have a more odder history. They escaped to the East Forest, but were the least prepared out of all three groups. They entered the Deep Forest and instead of finding shelter, found they were quickly running out of supplies. More terrifyingly, they were deep in the territory of the sinister Ophidians. The Ophidians are serpentine people, with the chests and arms and hands of a humanoid like myself, yet with the heads and lower bodies of a serpent. They craft armor out of powerful metals hand-dug from deep caverns beneath the forest path, and it's said that the very last thing you see before you hear their hissing cry and feel their fangs sink into you is their piercing eyes that gaze out from the dark depths of the darkest forest in Equestria. They easily captured the Griffons, and the Griffons were certain they were going to be killed and eaten. Luckily the Ophidians are surprisingly diplomatic. Indeed, they've got quite a lot in common with my own species!

We might be monsters in many ways, but we're not inconsiderate. When they saw how clearly starved and lost and helpless the Griffons were, the Ophidians felt pity well in them. They agreed to let the Griffons stay there in exchange for goods. Indeed, the snake men believe quite heartily in fair trades. Besides selling what precious gems and gold they had on, the Griffons offered their bodies up to the Ophidians.

And so once again, all their problems went away by making love, not war. And the end result were Griffons with snakes for tails. These unique Griffons can be unsettling...it's odd to be talking to an Eastern Gryphon and to have their tail watching you from the side, looking you over, sometimes lowering its head, wanting you to pet it or scratch it. But Fluttershy has said "It's adorable".

I could, and probably will, do a chapter on the Ophidians. They are a race of mystery. They're hardly ever seen outside of the Deep Forest and are said to be surprisingly polite and friendly for giant snake people. Gilda says her father actually got the money to send her to Junior Speedsters Camp in Cloudvale by entering into a deal with an Ophidian.

She says he had to sell her brother.

...I'm PRETTY sure she's kidding.

...pretty sure.

GILDA TALKS ABOUT GOD

Every single race in Equestria's got their own beliefs of some kind. Ponies worship at the altar of the Elements, the Dragons have ancestor worship, the Changelings worship entities that stand for emotion, and we Griffons have a God of our own. He's called the Cornerstone, and he's the axis around which the whole universe circles. His wings are the rainbow, his embrace is as warm as the sun, his eyes are stars, and his skin is softer than the fluffiest downy feathers.

There's a variety of teachings our race has about it. And if you cut out all the passages in the Clawdor Codex (one of the only things that survived Clawdor falling to pieces) about the Cornerstone talking about the poor, about helping out the least among us, you'd probably have the perfect container to smuggle Spitfire's drugs into Wonderbolt Academy.

What? I'm telling you, she's doping. I'm dead certain of it.

My views about the Cornerstone come pretty much from my Dad. He died six years ago of lung disease. Which brings me to a funny story.

See, Dad was at home and he wasn't gonna last long. He wanted all his family there with him when he passed, and we all were happy to rush home to Griffonstone and stay with him as closely as we could, not wanting to leave his side once. It was then that Pastor Black Wing stopped by. He'd heard about our father dying and wanted to try and offer comfort. I wasn't too sure of this. I didn't want Dad to talk about his death with anybody. Mom didn't want him to talk about his death. But it was hard to say "no" to a priest who was so honestly and sincerely trying to be there for a man on his deathbed, so we said "yes". I checked in with dad, and he was now a 80 pound wreck of a Griffon, lying weakly in his bed, turning to look at me when I asked if Pastor Black Wing could step in.

"Well if he thinks it'll do him some good!"

Heh. My dad. Quite the wit. Black Wing spent the next half hour with my father before he left, bidding us farewell. Dad passed away three days later, and Pastor Black Wing presided over the memorial. After it was over, I asked him what Dad had said to him.

"Oh, he tried to make ME feel comfortable."

That was my Dad.

Dad's belief in the Cornerstone was slightly different from other Griffons. They all felt the Cornerstone sort of made the world like somebody makes a painting, and then just left it be there for others to admire as he went off to make more works. But he felt that the Cornerstone, that God, could be found in nature itself. In everyone. He felt there was something beautiful in everything all around him, and there was something behind it all. And that something was the Cornerstone. That was what was behind it all.

It was hard for me to say goodbye to him. Because it meant he was gone. That familiar, loving, supportive figure no longer there when I needed him most. No more of his smile. No more of his hugging. No more of his wonderful cooking. No more...him.

Yeah. Mom pretty much fell apart after he died. That didn't help things much either. And then of course there was what happened when Gregor-

...I can't talk about Gregor, it's too much. I know I should talk to him one day. Get him back home. But it's difficult. Especially with all that's gone down in Griffonstone, but I've been working on that. I'm actually making a lot of friends now. We're beginning to patch up the roads and repair the falling-apart buildings, and by the end of the year, my own house'll be fully rebuilt!

I wonder if Dad is in Heaven, looking down at me. Giving me that smile he liked to give me? I don't know. Sometimes I doubt it.

But there's one thing I do know for sure. That he's a part of me. And he's a part of everybody that loved him.

And that? I think in that...is God.

...

...

...

...IN WHICH I PLAY FOOTBALL WITH THE HEAD OF THE ARMY AND IT IS AWESOME

There's one thing I really, REALLY love about Griffon culture. And it's their love of sports. Holy crap, they cannot get enough of sports. And one of their most beloved sports is that of Football. I think it has something to do with the fact it means they get to tackle people to the ground really hard. But they've been able to work out a lot of aggression through the game, and their bone structure, except for the wings, interestingly, is considerably more tough around the chest region than ponies. So they can take a beating, and many Griffon Football players end up going far when it comes to politics.

In fact, Clawdius the Third, Griffon Army Head of Hearthstone, is well known for being an amazing football player. And I was determined to play football with him when I was doing research for this book. And there was a chance I could. After all, I was a large patron of their kind, having taught them how to manipulate tantric energy.

What IS Tantric Energy? It has many names. Chi for the Mind, Ki for the Body. Kokoro. The Shining Light of the Soul. It's spiritual power, a special type of energy that sentient beings all possess. Non-sentient living beings have a faint fraction of it, but you need to have a soul, a spirit to emit tantric energy, and we Cosmo Sapiens need to feed off it to survive and staff off entropy within ourselves, to keep ourselves from dying. Living galaxies gotta eat. And in our cases, we need to eat people.

But the good news is that once you know how to use tantric energy, you can do fantastic things with it. You can shape it to your will...craft majestic weaponry, send your foes flying, use it to reach heights you've never reached before. It's a thing of pure and utter beauty, and I'd taught it to the people of Hearthstone. Or rather, to any who so much as wounded me in a fight. Clawdius being one of them, and he'd invited me to Hearthstone while I was working on this book!

It was then that the idea of playing football with him popped into my head...and the idea of "The Play" struck me.

I was typing away at the very typewriter I'm using right now when the play burst into my mind. I explained it to Rainbow Dash and Gilda, the two sitting together, looking through the Insane Colt Posse autobiography, one arm draped over the other's shoulders when they heard me explain "The Play".

"I don't think Clawdius is gonna let you play football with him." Rainbow Dash remarked with a shrug.

"Oh, I dunno. He owes her big. And Uncle Clawdius likes to repay his debts." Gilda admitted with a smile.

"He HAS to. Once I explain it to him, he'll love it. It's the perfect misdirection play." I insisted.

"Just don't get disappointed if it doesn't work out well. I mean, like, half the city are major football fans who practically worship the game like a religion. They might not fall for it." Rainbow Dash offered.

"Hey, you fell for MY misdirection play during that weekend at camp!" Gilda said with a knowing smile, leaning in as Dash visibly blushed. See, her and Gilda, there was this time at Junior Speedster Camp and...well, you can guess.

But as for Clawdius, it actually worked out really well. See, I got to go to Hearthstone to do research for my book and Clawdius was more than happy to invite me into one of his football games he held for himself, his friends, his family and his entourage of guards, press people and rabid fans. The first thing you need to know is that, up close, he really does look like a "Clawdius". His visage is kind of stuck up, his eyes piercing and face looks like chiseled stone. But his voice is really like a Bubba's. He sounds like he ought to have a gut and like talking about "Shootin' deers and drinkin' beers". And during the third down, when we were all huddled together and in desperate need of winning some points, I raised my hand.

"I've got a play." I offered. Everyone sort of stared at me in surprise as I continued. "Commander Clawdius? I wanna use you as a decoy."

A beat before he said "Okay!"

"Just go out fifteen yards, then cut to the left." I said, everyone nodding along with him. "And everyone else, stay short or block...except you." I pointed at one of the fast, tall sons of Clawdius, a nice kid named Orestes who was pretty lanky for a Gryphon but amazingly quick on his feet. He nodded back at me as we headed to the scrimmage line, and little ol' quarterback me got in place after making this announcement:

"The Commander would like everyone to know that anybody who happens to block a pass intended for him on this play will get to spend a night in his palace."

Commander Clawdius turned to me and asked in a stupefied fashion "What?" And that, I think, sold the play, because he then gave a shrug and nodded, turning back to face his eager foes.

And ohhhhh wow. Just...I couldn't have planned it more perfectly. After the snap, Clawdius went out fifteen and cut to the left sideline, and that was when I did it. I MADE THE PUMP FAKE.

And they all! ALL fell for it! I mean, holy shit! HOLY SHIT, it was embarrassing! 20 something people all thinking the same thing: "Golden Pillow Covers". By the time I put the ball in the air, Orestes was twenty five yards behind the defense. Clawdius hugged his son so tight I thought his lungs would collapse. I didn't get a hug, but that didn't matter. Because I'd played football with the Commander of Hearthstone's Army. And I proved Rainbow Dash wrong.

CHATTER BOX DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HOW GOVERNMENT WORKS

I'm not an expert on government. But I'd never, ever make claims insisting I was.

Chatter Box isn't like that. And whilst I was listening to her radio show while in Hearthstone, I had the unfortunate tragedy of hearing her, once again, disrespecting her listener's intelligence.

"With the exception of the military, name me one government program that's worked and alleviated the problem it was created to solve. Hmmmmmmm? I'm waiting!...............TIME'S UP!"

Luckily Gilda was visiting Hearthstone with me to open up some trading with Hearthstone. Her Griffon Scones were selling like hotcakes and helping to pay to repair her capital's roads, and she was rather annoyed with how flippant Chatter Box was towards this sort of thing. After all, she was trying to recreate the government from the ground up, pretty much. And trying to get everyone to work together. The idea government programs can't help you much is positively stupid. Especially since her government pulled her race out of greed and shortsightedness and rallied them around the banner of pride thanks to the Idol of Boreas. If their king, their government, hadn't MADE that thing, they'd all still be lying around on piles of gold, snapping at anybody that got too close.

So she decided to help me with this next part. See, Griffons are fairly conservative when it comes to their politics. Limited trade, not very interventionist when it comes to other countries, a heavy emphasis on self-reliance, belief in a strong military, and heavily religious, as I mentioned. So I asked her and various other Griffons I encountered in the city to tell me about successful government programs.

Commander Clawdius, Head of the Army of Hearthstone: The Rural Oil Act, which brought oil lighting and heat into the homes of everyone in Hearthstone. The Hearthstone Road Program, though even he admits that Celestia's Interstate Highway System is far, far better. "It's the most successful public works program in the history of the world." He insisted. "And our government has done a fantastic job of disseminating information about not drinking and playing football. We don't even allow alcohol at our football games ever since the Incident of '87. Simply amazing how long High Elder Redfang lasted without his frontal lobe..."

Gustave Le Grand, Head Chef of Hearthstone: The city's fantastic youth summer program which has been teaching children to bake and cook for themselves. Needless to say, he was overjoyed by Gilda's arrival and was happy to hear of their own similar programs they've been setting up. He also had lovely things to say about Canterlot's Penitentaries. "We need to keep those bad guys locked up SOMEHOW!" He insisted.

Giselle, Griffon Racer visiting from Griffonstone: "I don't know if anyone else will give them credit, but the Equestrian's Park System and conservation efforts are really inspiring."

Gilda: "The Wonderbolt Academy was set up by the Equestrian Government, and it's both a flight school AND an additional military brigade. Plus, I admit...that "egghead" was right. The library system her kind made is really well done. I've SO gotta thank Rainbow Dash for introducing me to The Daring Do books!"

So is Chatter Box honestly that out-of-touch with conservatives like Clawdius and Gilda? Or does she just think her radio audience are a bunch of morons?

I'm waiting!...............TIME'S UP!

IN WHICH I AM DISGUSTED BY EASTERN GRIFFON POLICIES OF FORCED PROSTITUTION

There's a few policies in place in the various governments of Equestria which you wouldn't associate with their respective races. For example, did you know the Minotaurs actually don't have a jail system and will eat their criminals? Did you know that Diamond Dogs have a fantastic Pre-K school system? Did you know that the Changelings actually have developed a fantastic social covenant system to help pay for their elder's retirement?

And did you know that the Griffons of the Deep Forest to the East have sweatshops?

I wish I was kidding about that last part. But I'm not. You see, the Deep Forest is divided into several city states. And the City State of Blue Ecstasy is located on the farthest reach of the forest, reaching a beautiful, expansive ocean. It's a fascinating beach city renowned as a tourist destination for those who can get to it, with turquoise waters, balmy breezes, white sand beaches and fascinatingly exotic aquatic dishes to eat. The city state is run by a Congress, who craft laws and then bring them before the Regent that unites the city states. They've developed a good social safety net, everyone is given unemployment aid if they cannot find work, they have exceptional and free health care attended to them by the Ophidian White Mage Council, who's medical techniques are state-of-the-art, and the society is quite tolerant of homosexual relationships. Indeed, Gilda's often joked about going to a city-state of the Deep Forest to marry Rainbow Dash. I think she's kidding on the square, which means kidding, but also really meaning it. I mean, I've seen how close the two have gotten over the many months I've spent with them.

But this supposed liberal paradise isn't a paradise. You see, most Eastern Griffon city states share something in common with the Ophidians: an immense emphasis on laws, regulations and fair trade. But the island of White Fang, named after its founder, is just far enough away from the edge of Blue Ecstasy to not be counted as part of the city state's laws. It won key exemptions in the areas of labor standards, and this meant that people could be shipped in to do work there on whatever the owners of White Fang wanted. The island got hold of powerful friends in Blue Ecstasy's government, and they began to fight a battle. On one hand, incredibly corrupt politicians and power brokers like Feathyrfall The Third, Absolom Jackson and Tomalin DeVay and the clothing companies that were their patrons. On the other hand, a few principled leaders in Blue Ecstasy's Congress and some members of its Labor Department. What was at stake? Thousands of powerless workers trapped in a system of horrific sweatshops, de facto slavery, and a practice most of you probably wouldn't associate with leftist politicians.

Forced prostitution.

I got the story from the serpentine reporter Yuan-Ti. He's an Ophidian from Blue Ecstasy who reported on what he found to Congress there, and he found the very conditions I'm going to relate to you now. Yuan-Ti had agreed to do interviews with me about Eastern Griffon culture and to send me the materials he had on them. Upon reading the first batch he sent over, I KNEW I had to speak about the horrors of White Fang island.

Yuan-Ti found camps that were jammed full of low-cost workers brought in from lands as far as Hearthstone, all desperate and seeking jobs, sent their by "sphinxes", as they're known. The poor workers were kept in crowded, rat-infested labor barracks. The showers barely worked, the toilets didn't work, and the water made you sick. People died from this.

A lot of them.

It gets worse. They were locked in barracks. Locked behind barbed wire. And if you wonder "Wait a minute, why don't they just leave" or "How much are they paid" or anything like that, well...remember the sphinxes I brought up? These disgusting, lying assholes trick poor souls into signing contracts that put them deep in debt to predatory bosses and officials here in White Fang and in Blue Ecstasy. You sign it thinking you'll be getting a "good job on an island resort" and end up screwed. Literally. Because many a young Griffon who was desperate to escape Griffonstone ended up here, forced to be involuntary sex slaves for businessmen on vacation in White Fang, or servicing sailors. It was disgusting. The more I read from the testimonials of Griffons whom he interviewed, the more horrified I became.

"One time a customer actually bite me on the breast. But my boss told me the customer is always right. It was my first time to dance naked, though. And I was ashamed."

"Kat", not her true name, signed a contract thinking she'd be a waitress. But the sphinx lied to her. She was then forced to do live sex acts on stage.

Hideously disgusting. Definitely a case where the customer wasn't right.

Why was nobody in Blue Ecstasy doing anything?

Because a certain Congressman and his friends wouldn't let them.

Tomalin DeVay was the Majority Leader of Congress for Blue Ecstasy. And he had a strong connection to Feathyrfall The Third, the head of the sweatshops that Yuan-Ti had uncovered. That connection was in the form of the fresh-faced, Orthodox Cornerstone Worshipper Absolom Jackson. Absolom had been working with Cornerstone Church services in the Deep Forest for years before giving that up to be a lawyer. He was literally getting fat from off his many clients since he always insisted his surcharge be in pounds of meat. The guy is a legendary overeater who has a double chin so thick it could sink a ship. It was through "Absolom Jackoff" as he was so fondly named in school, that Feathyrfall The Third got to know Mr. DeVay, because Absolom had been called on to defend Feathyrfall from a sexual harassment suit. One of the female managers of the sweatshops had had no problem with the mass exploitation of fellow griffons. But then her boss tried to hit on her and began to detail a disgusting sexual fantasy. It involved getting incredibly drunk, touching her breasts and genitals with a loofah mitt and then, for some reason, a falafel.

The bad news is that they settled the lawsuit. The good news was that hearing about Feathyrfall The Third got those in Blue Esctasy's congress interested, and that was when Marcus Aeroulius heard of the sweatshops. Yuan-Ti's interviews with him were extensive, and Aeroulius was fuming when he returned. He, a passionate believer in Cornerstone principles, believed indentured servitude and de facto slavery was a violation of the Cornerstone's tenet of Will, of the idea that people should be free to choose their destiny and not unfairly forced into servitude for others. He tried to pass a bill in the Senate of Blue Esctasy's Congress, but it was killed in the House by Tomalin DeVay. It never even got a vote. Why? Because the Majority Leader sets the schedule for the Congress. And as Tomalin said to Feathyrfall in a now-revealed letter that Yuan-Ti had gotten hold of, "I'm never going to put a bill like that on the schedule. So forget it, Feathyrfall! No chance! Those sons of bitches will HAVE to let it go."

And lest I forget to mention it, Tomalin got a LOT of heavy packages and envelopes back from White Fang. Gee. Tomalin was probably cleaning his feathers every day with a solid gold brush and eating fine food off plates made of pearl. How much money do you think your soul is worth, you...

UGH! This guy is so...moving on! Needless to say, Aeroulius was positively furious after this. He tried to get fellow members of Congress in the House to examine the conditions there. He found one in the Ophidian Congressman Ophiuchus, who went undercover, posing as a health inspector. Ophiuchus returned "bucking livid" as Aeroulius described it to Yuan-Ti, and tried to get a bill passed in the house to have worker protections applied to White Fang. But once again, DeVay killed the bill. Denying it the right to even get on the floor. So he did the next best thing and went to the press, he, Aeroulius and Yuan-Ti reporting what they'd found.

Naturally, DeVay denied the conditions happened. "I investigated myself and found it for what it was. Conservative yahoos at their most hypocritical, complaining so often about how oppressive government is until they seek to impose it themselves". The hypocrisy was staggering alright. But it wasn't coming from conservatives. Yes, Aeroulius was a staunch conservative congressman, but it was a liberal reporter who alerted him and his friend Ophiuchus to the conditions in White Fang. This wasn't about left or right. Liberal or conservative. This was about money trumping principle. Principles like "Don't enslave people".

Yuan-Ti was quite a fine specimen of Ophidian. A well-built, muscular chest with sharp, powerful claws, and a well-crafted and smooth white vest covering his chest. A crystal hung from a necklace he wore, shimmering softly as Nee sat down with him and Gilda and Rainbow Dash in Blue Ecstasy's finest outdoor beach restaurant, all of them enjoying a lovely meal of fish and chips. Dash decided to try fish for once.

"MMMMMMM. Batter baked makes everything just amazing." She moaned, mouth half-full of the finest cod as Yuan-Ti sipped from a glass of wine, dark silver eyes looking Nee over. The wind sent tiny sprinklings of sand flittering through the air like diamonds to their right as the sun reflected with a bright flash off the glass tables they were eating upon.

"You've been reading my reports, I trust?" He asked, a faint hissing edge to his cultured words before he put the glass down and began cutting up slices of fish to eat, Nee nodding.

"Yeah. Really damn ugly." She remarked, palm trees swaying in the breeze, the lovely scenery providing a stark contrast to the disgusting reports they were discussing.

"Yes. Especially the forced abortions."

Nee thought she'd misheard him because his mouth was full of batter-baked cod. "Yes, the forced prostitution. It's amazing somebody could let that sort of thing-"

"No, no. Forced ABORTION. The forced prostition was in my first report. You got my second one, right?"

All of them almost spit out their meal in disgust, Nee's fork falling to the table with a "CLANG" as she gaped. Did he really just...

"...Mr. Ti? Can I have a copy of that second report?"

Those were the magic words. Yuan-Ti invited them to his home and showed off the second report. And this time, Nee couldn't hold back. This time she DID vomit, and was in the bathroom for a good hour and a half until she emerged, clutching her stomach and mouth. Her insides felt as though they were on fire, and she felt she'd lost half her body weight from the horrific pictures Yuan-Ti had provided. For you see, there had been another horrific insistence of the working camps of White Fang. That NONE of them could have children. At all. And this meant inducing abortions, terminating the pregnancies of any of their workers. And "Katrina" had been one of the many griffons who had allowed an inspection of her body and of the child she'd refused to give up. You see, she had had a child aborted before, but had refused to get another one after the second time she got pregnant.

HOW do the Eastern City States induce abortions? It involves "Milk of the Poppy" and careful surgery. This was definitely one aspect of their amazing medical breakthroughs Nee didn't need to know of. The photographs she saw of the act being performed during the "health inspection" had ranked up there on the short list of "things that make even ME sick".

"...those sons of bitches." Rainbow Dash grunted as she rubbed Nee's back, she, Nee and Gilda sitting on Yuan-Ti's couch. "How can somebody who claims this sort of thing should be a right FORCE it on women?"

"At least he was consistent when it came to the issue. On the mainland, he thinks it's okay for them to get it. On the island, he thinks it's NECESSARY for them to." Gilda wryly remarked. "People like them don't deserve to be running our country. They should be in prison or forced to work onstage themselves, singing "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling If You Want Me" while taking it in the ass from a fat Griffon businessman."

"Politicians. They're not all like that. But more Griffons need to know that this is the sort of thing that goes on when enough people aren't paying attention. " Yuan-Ti offered softly, handing Nee a small glass of water as she sipped slowly from it. "It's why a well-informed electorate is so meaningful to our city state. Be sure to include this story in your book, Ms. Nee-Buh-Loh. Not enough people outside Blue Ecstasy know about it."

I promised Mr. Ti I would. And I want to warn anybody out there who might have been approached by somebody interested in selling you a contact for a "good job in the East". Because whilst White Fang is shut down, there are other White Fangs out there that people like Congressman Aeroulius and Ophiuchus are trying to close in on. Be careful. Be vigilant.