The Table at the End

Episode 1

All I Know Is My Guarantee

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

“Oh, that’s a relief. I’ve heard good things about you. That you work miracles.”

“I don’t like to think of it as miracles. I simply help people get what they want.”

“So, how do you do it? Do you use your unicorn magic, or do you have a lot of money…”

“I don’t do anything. You tell me what you want, and I tell you how to get it. It’s simple.”

“And if I do what you ask, I get what I want.”

“Yes. That’s all there is to it.”

“But that makes no sense! You can’t possibly know how everything will turn out! How can you predict something like that?”

“If you don’t believe me, run an experiment. Try something easy.”

“Um… okay, How about 100 bits? Can you give me 100 bits?”

“Yes, I can. Let me see…”

“What is that? Some kind of book?”

“Yes, now please. … Err…”

“Is there a problem?”

“How much is 100 bits? What can it buy?”

“Well, you could get a really fancy dress from Rarity. Or the Super-Mega-Deluxe Party Kit from Pinkie. I think that’s how much a ticket to see the Wonderbolts costs. Oh, and Fluttershy’s animal medicine costs that much, too. You could buy 20 jars of Zapapple Jam, 25 bushels of apples, or 50 cups of cider with it. Ooh! I could buy 5 hardcover books with it!”

“Aah. It’s a 1-to-1 conversion.”

“Hmm?”

“Nevermind. According to my Book, you must… take a walk around Ponyville.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes. Oh, make sure it lasts at least thirty minutes. Then come back here, and tell me the details.”

“Oookay. And you’re sure it’ll work?”

“I guarantee it.”

“Alright. Well, I’ll see where I can fit that in my schedule. Thank you.”

“My pleasure.”

APPLEJACK

“Hey, mister.”

“Yes?”

“Y’all the one who makes them deals with ponies?”

“Depends. Why do you ask?”

“Mah brother said he talked to you ‘bout makin’ a deal, said it changed his life.”

“Big Macintosh? Yes, I certainly did. How may I help you?”

“Ah need to make a deal with you.”

“Certainly. Please tell me what you need.”

“Well, you see, mister, I run Sweet Apple Acres, biggest orchard this side of Equestria. Mah entire livelihood rests on those apples. Trouble is, they've started gettin' sick. Ah'm pretty sure it ain't no normal sickness; seems t'me like it's magical. We've tried askin' every plant doctor around, even Zecora, but ain't nobody knows what's the matter. You can fix 'em right up, though, right?”

“I can help you, yes. You understand how this works?”

“Yeah, I get it. I ask for my trees to get better, and you give me some 'task' to do.”

“Yes. Is that officially your request?”

“Yessir. I need my trees to get better. What d'y'all want me to do?”

“Hmm... In order for your trees to get better, you need to go to the spa every day for a month.”

“A month!? What if mah trees r'all dead by then?”

“If you do the task, your trees will be completely healthy. Therefore, I can promise you they will not die in that period.”

“All righty then... !!”

“A problem?”

“It's just... Applebuck season starts up later this month. How'm I suppos'd to get that done if I'm bein' all pampered?”

“I'm sure you'll figure it out.”

“Can't Ah just do somethin' else? Or maybe wait 'til after Applebuck Season?”

“I'm afraid the Book is quite clear. If you want your trees to improve, you must spend this month at the spa. If you delay it, or don't do it at all, I can't guarantee it'll work.”

“Well, all right. I guess it's worth a shot. Thanks, pardner.”

“Any time.”

RAINBOW DASH

“Good morning, Rainbow Dash. How goes it with the task?”

“Pretty good, pretty good. In fact, I've finished it already.”

“Well, that's good. How's your training been, then?”

“That's the funny thing. You promised that, if I did your task, I'd definitely make the preliminary and win the Cloudsdale Grand Prix.”

“Yes. That was the deal.”

“But yesterday, I went to one of the preliminaries and only placed 9th.”

“So, you didn't move on to the next round.”

“No, I didn't. What kind of act are you pullin' around here, huh?”

“Tell me about your task. How exactly did it feel?”

“Well, uh, it felt kinda weird, at first, you know? Like, wrong, I guess...”

“You didn't do it, did you?”

“Well... no, I didn't.”

“If you don't do the task, I can't guarantee you'll receive the reward.”

“But that's not fair! I can't possibly do what you asked me to! It's not right!”

“I'm not forcing you to do anything. You don't have to do the deal if you don't want to.”

“Huh? But I thought...”

“I only guarantee results. If you want to try something else, you could. For example, training more, and hoping that you win. Or, if that's not sure enough, you could try sabotaging the other racers, or setting up the racecourse so that you have shortcuts...”

“I couldn't fix the race! That would be cheating!”

“Then do your task.”

“But won't people know something's fishy if I just suddenly win out of nowhere?”

“Possibly. But, throughout my deals, I've noticed that people tend to ignore what they can't explain, and explain away what they can't ignore.”

“What the hay does that mean?”

“Just trust me. Do your task, and you'll get what you want.”

“All right. There's another preliminary next week. If I finish the task by then, I'll be sure to get in.”

“That's the idea.”

“All right. Thanks, dude.”

“Not a problem.”

“Wait! Before I go...”

“Yes?”

“How many houses was it again?”

“Three. You could do more, of course, but three will get you what you want.”

“All right. See ya.”

“Goodbye.”

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

“Good morning, Twilight.”

“Good mor- hey, did I ever actually tell you my name?”

“This town is pretty small; I knew everyone's name by my first month here. Of course, you're a pretty important pony yourself.”

“That's true.”

“So, how was your walk yesterday? You look a bit frazzled.”

“Yes, no thanks to you. I had to move my entire schedule about three times over before I could get that thirty-minute walk in.”

“Well? Please give me the details.”

“...It was a walk. It wasn't that exciting.”

“Humor me.”

“All right, I guess. Let's see, I left at 7:26 from the library. I went around the border of Ponyville counter-clockwise. I hit the northern point at about 7:45, so I hurried a bit to get back home. I managed to get back at about 7:58, so I still had enough time to start my transmutation project at 8:00.”

“...And?”

“And what?”

“Did you talk to anyone? Did you see anything interesting?”

“Well, I did see Rarity by her boutique at 7:33. She said hello, but I didn't really want to stop, so I just said hi and kept going. I think I saw Rainbow Dash too, but she was pushing clouds around and didn't notice me.”

“Interesting.”

“So... I did what you asked. Thirty minute walk and the details. So... where's the money?”

“...”

“Haha! It didn't work after all. I guess you aren't really as powerful as you think you are. I guess I'll be on my– oof!”

“Oh, I'm sorry!”

“No, it's alright. … Huh? What's this in my saddlebag?”

“Looks like an envelope.”

“And inside is a... bank note. For 100 bits. Wait, was this from that guy who bumped into me? Hey, wait up!”

“Yes?”

“This must be yours.”

“No, I don't think so.”

“Are you sure? Because I didn't have it before you bumped into me, and afterwards...”

“Look, I think I would recognize an envelope like that. If you want to give me that money, go ahead, but it's not mine.”

“Uh, no, that's alright. Have a good day!”

“Thanks, you too.”

“How did you do that?”

“I didn't do anything. You took your walk.”

“Yes, but what does that have to do with me bumping into that guy and getting the money?”

“I never said it did. All I can say is, you completed the task I requested of you, and now you have 100 bits.”

“But, if I had come by here and not done the task, would that guy still have bumped into me? Would I still have gotten the money?”

“I don't know. All I know is my guarantee. Do the task, get the reward.”

“...This is so confusing.”

“I get that a lot.”

“I'm not so sure what to think. I could ask for... anything, right?”

“Yes.”

“Power? Riches? Fame?”

“I think you're already pretty famous, but yes, you could ask for any of those things.”

“What about love? Can you do that? Or what about death? Or bringing someone back to life? Not even magic can do that!”

“In general, yes, I can probably help you attain any of those things.”

“And what is the cost?”

“Everything has a price. Some things are more than others, and everyone's price is different. More difficult things or more powerful things are generally more costly. However, don't think of me as a merchant. Think of me more as a... guide. I merely tell you what you can do to get your heart's desire.”

“This is so much to take in... I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm ready to do anything just yet.”

“You don't have to apologize, Twilight. I don't mind whether you come back tomorrow or never at all. I gain nothing from this other than details.”

“I see. Well, goodbye for now.”

“Take care.”

PINKIE PIE

“Hello!”

“Um, may I help you?”

“Are you new here?”

“No, not really. I've been here a while. Couple months.”

“But I've never met you. I don't know who you are, and I know everypony in Ponyville!”

“You must not come by this restaurant very often. I don't see you very much either.”

“That must be it. This is the Cake's competition after all. Grr! Their crêpes are no match for our blueberry strudels!”

“I see.”

“Wait, I didn't catch your name.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“So, a sneaky one, eh? How about hobbies, friends, personal interests, special someponies, favorite type of muffin, anything?”

“Do you need that for any reason?”

“Well, duh! I want to be your friend, 'cuz I'm everypony's friend here in Ponyville. Even Cranky's my friend, and he's so... cranky!”

“Oh, you know Cranky? I think I worked with him once.”

“Oh, yeah? What were you, secret agents? Is that why you can't tell me your name?”

“No, nothing like that. He was looking for someone, and asked for my help.”

“Oh, Matilda, right?”

“I don't know. Didn't ask. Anyway, it didn't turn out.”

“Aw, that's okay. Eventually, he did find her, with my help.”

“That's good.”

“Wow, sounds like your life is so interesting.”

“It has its ups and downs.”

“Ooh, tell me some of the downs.”

“Well, to tell you the truth... wait, why am I telling you all this?”

“Because we're friends, and friends tell each other everything.”

“I'm sorry, Pinkie, but I'm not your friend.”

“Aww... why not?”

“Just... trust me on this one. I can not, will not be your friend.”

“That's okay!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! You may be Mr. Laconic--”

“You know a word like laconic?”

“But that doesn't mean you won't warm up to me eventually.”

“How do you plan on doing that?”

“By visiting you every single day! Ta-ta! La-la-la-la-la~”

“I swear, this world is getting to me... *sip*”