Burnt Bridges / Moving to Ponyville
The Thumper & Guu Show
Chapter (Episode) One: Burnt Bridges / Moving to Ponyville
THUMPER & GUU'S STUDIO, PONYVILLE RADIO STATION
The studio is dark. There's a dim light coming from outside in the hallway. This light suddenly brightens. An earth stallion with an unkempt black-and-blue mane passes the hall. The door to the studio opens, letting the bright light in. The studio's lights are flipped on, revealing the slate-gray earth pony, Guu. He has a film reel cutiemark on his flank and he's not exactly the tallest fella. The lights also reveal the studio itself. It's somewhat small but it isn't tight. There's the hexagonal studio table with all the equipment from microphones, headphones, and dashboards with controls.
On the walls are several posters that show Guu accompanied with Thumper - another taller earth stallion with a mahogany coat, and blond mane. Some of the posters show Tius - a griffon with black-spotted-gray on white feathers. His smile seems somewhat vicious yet somehow friendly at the same time.
The window that looks into the hallway isn't the only one. There's another window that peeks into another, much smaller studio room which lights up, revealing an occupant: E-rock - a black-coated unicorn stallion with a pale blond mane and packing a little pudginess. He puts on a pair of headphones and messes around with what seems to be the dashboard. Guu takes notice and shakes his head in smug amusement. He sits on his seat adjacent to the studio's entrance and puts on headphones of his own. He adjusts his dashboard - clicking a few buttons, raising and lowering levels, etc. His hoof taps the microphone.
"Well, well!" Guu speaks into it. "Somepony made it early!"
"I know," E-rock's voice projects through the headset feed. "It's a miracle."
"How was your weekend?" Guu asks as he continues to fidget with the dashboard.
"Uneventful," E-rock answers as he fidgets with his own.
"But isn't it usually?" Guu responds.
E-rock glares at Guu.
"I'm not even trying to miss with ya," Guu says. "I'm only asking because you're actually early this time. You're usually either late or on time. This..." He twirls his hoof at E-rock and his mini-studio as if he's magically framing a picture. "...is an unusual sight to see."
"I moved to Ponyville," E-rock sighs as he quickly crouches underneath his dashboard.
"Oh!" Guu utters. "Well then! That's not uneventful!"
"I wouldn't exactly call moving eventful," E-rock pops back up.
"Well, excuse me, Mr.Been-There-Done-That," says Guu.
"Tius actually helped me," E-rock says.
"Tius helped...?!" Guu stutters a bit. "So tell me again. How was your weekend not eventful?"
"What?" says E-rock. "A bunch of dudes moving a bunch of furniture?"
"I think you're getting it confused," Guu pounds the dashboard, nostrils flaring. "I'm not saying that you moving is the fucking equivalent of going to Las Pegasus. I'm trying to start a conversation, E-rock. Holy fuck."
"Why are you angry?" E-rock winces.
"I'm not angry," Guu holds his hoof up. "I'm just trying to start a conversation and you're acting like a fucking..." Guu dramatically stiffens and wobbles. "...Venus flytrap that clamps on any attempt of socializing," he loosens up. "I mean, what happened? You're usually not like this is what I'm trying to say. Seriously, is everything okay?"
"Everything is fine," E-rock says as he ruffles his own mane, pressing his lips together.
"I hope so," Guu says. "We got a show to start in less than five minutes. Where the hell is Thumper and Tius?"
Thumper and Tius can be seen passing through the hall outside.
"Ah," utters Guu. "Speak of the devils."
The two enter the studio and both settle in their seats. Thumper sits adjacent to Guu and opposite the entrance while Tius sits adjacent to the entrance, opposite to Guu.
"Sorry," Tius says. "We were holding each others cocks."
"So you gave him the usual," Guu laughs.
"Yes," Tius snickers.
"And how are you doin', Thumper?" Guu asks.
"I am doing splendid," answers Thumper.
"Uuu!~" Tius utters, looking at E-rock. "Look who came early! Fuckin' Tardy McGillicutty."
"Wow!" says Thumper. "E-rock! Did something happen over the weekend?"
"I asked him that," Guu says. "And it was apparently 'uneventful'."
"What the fuck does he mean, 'uneventful'?" says Tius.
"I know right?" says Guu. "Because immediately, after that, Tius, he told me about how you helped him move. Not exactly uneventful."
"Wait," says Thumper. "You moved, E-rock?"
"Yeah," E-rock answers dryly. "To Ponyville."
"What did E-rock say?" Tius asks. "I couldn't hear him."
"How about you put your headphones on, you dopes," Guu says.
"Oh!" Tius utters and cackles.
"Wow," Thumper says, slumping a bit shamefully. "I can't believe that flew over my head."
Tius and Thumper put on their headsets.
"We're just a couple of goose eggs, aren't we?" Tius jokes.
"Nah," Guu adds. "You're just a couple of assholes."
Tius hisses into a wild cackle.
"So what were you saying, E-rock?" Thumper asks.
"I think we were talking about me moving," E-rock answers.
"You think or you know?" says Thumper, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, exactly," Tius says. "How did you figure that out from sixty seconds ago? 'Well, I think I said something.' Yeah, did ya? You non-remembering zilch."
Everyone in the studio laughs.
"I'm sorry, E-rock," Tius says. "You know I love you, man."
"I know," E-rock chuckles. "By the way, guys. We're on the air in less than a minute."
"Uuu!~" Tius utters.
"So we're opening with this moving story, right?" Thumper asks. "Right, E-rock?"
"I guess," replies E-rock.
"Stop it with the uncertainty!" Tius yells. "It's not like we're gonna give your fucking address or personal information away. What happened to you, man? Why are you, like...a recluse?"
"I said the same thing," Guu adds. "And E-rock, we're not trying to hound you for the sake of hounding you. We're just concerned because you're usually not like this."
"Guys," E-rock sighs. "I'm fine. I just didn't get enough sleep last night."
"Says the pony who doesn't come in till they have less than five minutes of show prep," says Tius.
"Show starts in ten seconds," E-rock announces dryly.
"Well now you're just trying to change the subject!" Tius chuckles.
E-rock begins the countdown: "3. 2. 1."
Through the headset feed, rock music begins to rev up.
"It has begun," says a pre-recorded Announcer Voice. "The Thumper & Guu Show. With Lil' Tius."
"He's not so little when you look down there!" yells a pre-recording of Guu's voice. "Get it?! He has a huge cock!"
"Oh Guu!' Tius's pre-recorded voice cries out. "How dare you be so nosy and...naughty!"
"I'm only interested in what I find tasty," pre-recorded Guu says in a low, seductive voice.
"Oh my~," coos pre-recorded Tius.
The music stops.
"Now whip out that cock," pre-recorded Guu whispers.
Suddenly, there are pre-recorded moans from Guu and Tius accompanied by slurping and sucking sounds.
"Wow," a pre-recording of Thumper's voice says as the sexual cacophony continues to play. "Holy shit."
The sex noises stop and the music immediately resumes.
"Boundaries will be pushed," says the Announcer Voice.
"What has this world come to when people can't accept the fact that I like my chest being shat on!" yells pre-recorded Tius.
The music suddenly stops again and there's an awkward pause.
"...At least I hope I've mentioned that before," pre-recorded Tius says.
The music revs back.
"Starring Thumper Ropes," says the Announcer Voice. "A radio jock that likes to brag about how experienced he is."
"I've been doing this shit since I was 16!" says pre-recorded Thumper. "That almost makes it 20 years now! I've been in this business for 20 years! I don't need this shit!"
"Guu Brick," the Announcer Voice continues. "A openly-gay filmmaker who took the time out of his film making to let everypony know how gay he is."
"Love the cock!" pre-recorded Guu proudly yells. "I love it!"
"And Tius-..." the Announcer Voice tries to continue.
"And the cum!" pre-recorded Guu interrupts.
"Okay, Guu" the Announcer Voice sighs. "We get it. You're gay." He then continues: "And Tius. A comedian and a...whore."
"I drown in pussy!" pre-recorded Tius yells.
The music stops once more for another awkward pause.
"...When I pay for it of course," he says with less confidence.
"Oookay?" says the Announcer Voice. The music resumes and he finishes off: "The Thumper & Guu Show. Pure uncut radio entertainment for your rotting mind."
And the intro ends there. The shows goes back live and there's awkward silence. Thumper taps the dashboard, Guu looks around, and Tius opens his mouth to speak.
"Wow," he says. "We're edgy."
"We certainly are," Guu laughs.
"Seriously," says Thumper. "Could that opening have run any longer?
"Really?" Tius starts with faux naivety. "It didn't run that long."
Guu snickers. "You are," he begins, following a brief pause. "...A liar."
"Still need to work on your acting there, Tius," comments Thumper. "But don't you guys think it ran a little too long? I'm being serious."
"But Thumper," Tius continues with his obvious faux naivety. "We need to get the audience's rotting minds ready FOR THE MADNESS!"
"Oh yeah!" Guu chuckles. "The madness!"
"I understand we need a fancy opening," says Thumper. "But why not just have the opening introduce the hosts? You could've cut out the fucking gay clip of Tius and Guu sucking each other. I mean, was that from before or..."
"It was recorded," Tius confirms. "Pure voice acting."
"Yes," Guu adds. "In a bathhouse."
Tius rolls his chair away from the mic as he cackles madly.
"Tius and I have a mutual fondness for holes in walls," Guu chuckles.
Tius returns to his mic, trying to recollect himself.
"Oh boy!" says Tius. "What a day that was!"
"Jeez," Thumper chuckles. "Anyway, we gotta get to this moving story with E-rock. For those in radioland, we were just talking about how E-rock moved to Ponyville."
"And he seems to be a bit homesick too," Guu says.
"Yeah," says Thumper. "E-rock apparently hasn't been himself lately."
"Yes," Tius says. "It's a sad thing. Him moving away from that fucking snooze fest of a city."
"Please, Tius," Thumper chuckles uncomfortably. "Don't."
"Please don't what?" Tius says. "Fuck Canterlot."
"Oh jeez!" Thumper laughs with more discomfort. "Tius! What're you doing?!"
"They can lick my ass," Tius's voice gets raspy. "They clearly don't like me over there. I do one show over there that doesn't go well and all of a sudden I'm some kind of black sheep. And these two fuckheads-..." He points at Guu and Thumper. "...Are trying to convince me that it also has nothing to do with me being a griffon. I've never heard anyone as fucking naive as you two."
"The concern is that we have some connections up there," Guu retorts. "And there are ponies up there that actually like the show."
"Yes," Tius responds. "YOU have connections. My bridges have already been burnt over there. Trust me. I doubt anything I say will hurt you guys. Why? Because you're ponies!"
"Wow," Thumper says as he presses his hoof against his snout. "You got it all wrong, Tius. You have no idea. It has nothing to do with you being a griffon."
"With their fuckin' covert racism," Tius suddenly adds.
Guu bursts out laughing.
"Covert racism?!" Thumper cries out.
"YES!" yells Tius.
"Are you serious?!"
"YES!!!"
At this point, Tius's eyes are startlingly wide.
"Holy shit!" Guu cackles. "Look at his eyes! Tius! You're goin' fucking ape!"
"One fuckin' griffon comes into Ponyville and pulls pranks-," Tius tries to continue.
"WHAT?!" Thumper yells at the top of his lungs. "THAT WAS FOUR YEARS AGO!"
"Yes," Tius nods wildly. "And before that happened, I was 33-years-old. Now I'm 37. I had a 33-year window to gain some popularity in that shitty place."
"Wait, wait, wait," Guu waves his hoof. "Here's what I just realized. You keep saying how they hate you up there in Canterlot. But what does a griffon fucking shit up in Ponyville have to do with Canterlot?"
"It has a LOT to do with it," Tius practically barks.
"Wow," Thumper shakes his head. "You really are insane."
"Nope, nah," Tius violently shakes his head. "I'm not insane."
"You sure about that?"
"I'm not insane."
"Before we insist on questioning Tius's sanity, Thumper, I want to know this," Guu begins to inquire. "Tius. You said it had a lot to do with Canterlot. How so? I'd really like to know."
"During my set in Canterlot where I apparently bombed," Tius answers. "This was six months ago for those who don't know."
"Oh yeah," says Guu. "Also for those who don't know, this hatred that Tius has for Canterlot is a relatively recent thing that spawned out of nowhere."
"It did not spawn out of nowhere," Tius frantically waves his taloned finger. "I'm gonna explain. I made a joke about that griffon broad who was acting like a delinquent in Ponyville and part of the punchline involved me saying something like 'it's not like she raped and murdered ponies.' Aaaaand they didn't take that too lightly. And I understand why but at the same time, really now. The black sheep shit is getting annoying now."
"But so what?" says Thumper. "Were you banned from Canterlot?"
"If you mean banned from performing or being promoted over there then yes," Tius responds.
"But it's Canterlot!" Guu says.
"Woah-woah-woah, Guu," Thumper interjects. "Hold up. Yes, it's Canterlot and it has lot of uptight ponies but we certainly have our share of fans up there. Let's not forget that."
"Including Celestia?" Tius chuckles.
"Especially her," Thumper smiles.
"That's not what I mean, though," says Guu. "And to the listeners, especially the listeners in Canterlot, please don't get the wrong idea. The show has absolutely no problem with Canterlot. It's Tius that's being the uh..."
"Butthurt?" Thumper adds.
"Yes," Guu laughs. "Exactly. Tius is just being butthurt."
"I'm not butthurt at all," Tius says.
"Let's take a few steps back though," says Thumper. "Because you were being a little vague. What club was this?"
"If I'm not mistaken," Tius proceeds to answer. "This was the Citrus Sun."
"The Citrus Sun?" Guu comments. "Ugh."
"Shut up, stupid," Tius snaps. "At least it sounds better than the Tango Maureen. You fucking over-prideful Manehattanite"
"No!" Guu laughs. "I'm not that prideful."
"Ah!" Tius continues. "'The Tango Maureen! It's a dark dizzy merry-go-' WE GET IT! You're a bunch of hipsters and starving artists. And you have that obsession with that shitty play."
"But aren't you from Manehattan," asks Thumper.
There's an awkward pause as Tius shoots Thumper a burning glare. Tius then slowly leans toward his microphone. He opens his mouth, pausing a bit before speaking:
"How long have you known me?" he utters softly.
Guu hollers out in laughter, burying his face into folded forehooves on the desk.
"You're not from Manehattan?" Thumper blinks.
"Nooo!" Tius yells.
"Alright, Alright! I was sure that you were!"
"I'm from Cloudsdale."
"Oh, okay. I didn't know."
"Well now you know."
"I'm sowee, Tius," Thumper says cutely.
"It's alright, my sweet," Tius chuckles.
"Hoh, man," Guu recollects himself. "That was so fucking funny. Tius just leaned into the mic, grilling Thumper, just whispered ever so gently 'how long have you known me?' Like Tius's soul was hurt."
"But all is forgiven," Tius says soothingly, hand on his chest.
"So you were at the, uh," Thumper starts. "What was the club called again?"
"The Citrus Sun," Tius answers. "And the owner was a lovely, kind mare named Lemon Stripes. So any anger that I have is not aimed at her. She was very kind to me before and after the booing."
"You got booed?" Thumper asks.
"Oh yes," Tius nodded wildy. "Absolutely. Without a beat, those faggots booed me. It wasn't all of them. There were some that laughed. But ever since then, I would be given dirty looks. It's like, alright already. I know you hate me. They might as well have banned me from the fucking city."
"By the way," says Thumper. "We did kind of veer off topic from E-rock's moving story."
"'Kind of'?" Guu remarks. "We went to a completely different...uh...oh goddammit!"
Tius howls into and then away from the mic in laughter.
"I tried to come up with something clever," Guu chuckles. "It didn't work out."
"You really had no faith in that," Tius says as he returns to the mic.
"I know!" Guu yells shamefully. "I don't have the comedic genius that you have, Tius. Who, by the way, will be performing this Friday and Saturday night at the Ponyville Theater."
"The folks at Ponyville Theater I love," Tius says. "They treat their performers well and the ponies that come to see me are great."
"Because they know who you are and they know what they're getting," Guu adds.
"Exactly," says Tius. "They don't suffer from delusions of grandeur."
"Anyways!" Thumper says suddenly. "E-rock!"
There's an awkward moment of silence as the three look over to where E-rock is supposed to be.
"E-rock?" Thumper calls out again.
"Oh boy," Guu utters.
"E-rock!" Thumper yells, aggravation brewing in his voice.
E-rock runs up to his post, puts his headset on, and flips on his mic's feed - huffing and puffing.
"What happened, E-rock?" Thumper asks.
"I had to take care of a couple of things," E-rock answers.
"'A couple of things'," Thumper says. "That's a little vague, don't you think?"
"Yeah, exactly," comments Tius. "What were you doing, E-rock? What...were you fuckin'......wow."
Guu immediately buries his face again. Although it's muffled, he could be heard laughing so hard that he's squeaking.
"We're all running out of steam today, aren't we?" Tius chuckles. "Phew."
"So, E-rock," says Thumper. "Explain yourself."
"Where do you want me to begin?" asks E-rock.
"How about you begin from the fucking beginning, stupid," Tius growls.
Guu hollers out in laughter as he removes his headset and slides off his chair.
"Wow, E-rock," says Thumper.
"Holy shit!" Tius continues. "No, how about we start at the point where you said 'well, it looks like we're all done!' Fuckin' asshole."
Guu is still squeaking in laughter.
"Jeez, Guu," chuckles Thumper.
Guu climbs back onto his seat and puts his headset back on, recollecting himself as he wipes tears off his eyes.
"Wow," Guu breathes.
"How about this?" says Tius. "Start with when I bumped into you at the train station."
"Alright," E-rock nods. "So my buddy and I were carrying some of the small stuff while some moving guys were transporting the furniture and whatnot at another train. I saw Tius and he offered to help. But now I remember Tius had the funniest line."
"I did?" Tius says. "Uuu~. I'm flattered."
"My buddy asked me who he was," E-rock continues. "And I said that he was my co-worker."
"Ew," Guu comments. "'Co-worker'?"
"Oh yes!" Tius lights up. "I remember. And I was thinking 'did this idiot just call me his co-worker'? Not even acknowledging what I do for a living. I mean, it's not even an ego thing. You could've said that to, like, impress your friend, E-rock."
"But what was the funny line that E-rock talking about?" insists Thumper.
"Oh," Tius utters. "So E-rock said that I was his co-worker and immediately I responded 'yeah, we're fucking.'"
Guu and Thumper explode in laughter.
"And how did your friend respond?" Guu asks.
"He just chuckled," answers E-rock. "It was the most uncomfortable thing."
"Not as uncomfortable as what happened later when were actually adjusting the furniture," Tius adds. "And I gotta say something about this rich kid, I mean..." Tius clears his throat dramatically. "...E-rock. You must've paid those moving guys well because they were helping you adjust all the shit. I swear, it looked like you already had been living there."
"'It's like it was the real apartment'," Guu speaks effeminately.
"'He does these migrations'," Tius tries to play along. "...Ooof."
"'Migrations'?!" Guu laughs hysterically.
"That was a rough one, Tius," Thumper comments.
"Listen," says Tius. "You can only go so far with combining moving jokes and Good Fellas references."
"He farted while we were moving the stuff," E-rock continued.
"Oh, yes," says Tius. "While the moving guys were there."
"No, you didn't!" Guu gasps.
"It was horrible, dude," says E-rock.
"Oh my goodness were my farts fuckin' putrid," Tius chuckled.
"And after we adjusted the bed and put the mattress on," E-rock continues. "Tius patted it and winked at my friend saying 'this is where the magic happens.'"
An explosion of laughter.
"And once we were done with everything," says E-rock. "The moving guys AND my friend practically rushed out of my house."
"Oh yeah!" says Tius. "They all could not have gotten out of their any faster."
"I gotta ask this though," Thumper interjects. "Did the smell linger?"
"Holy shit, dude," E-rock responds.
"It did, didn't it?" Thumper chuckles.
"And the way his friend left was funny too," Tius adds.
"Yeah," says E-rock. "He immediately got his stuff and ran out saying 'later, bud' and slammed the door."
"Wait," says Guu. "He slammed the door?!"
"He was fucking gone," says Tius.
"And did you leave after, Tius?" asks Thumper.
"No!" answers Tius. "I was just standing there laughin' my balls off."
Tius hisses into a cackling fit. Everypony else follows in laughter.
"So I stayed for a bit longer," Tius recollects. "And hung out while we poisoned ourselves with my lingering gassers."
"That's the thing," says Thumper. "I gotta say this. Tius's farts are the worst fucking thing you could ever smell."
"Oh, they're wonderful!" Tius chuckles.
"Tius and I were at a movie theater one time in Manehattan," Thumper says. "And I shit you not, some of the ponies around us either changed their seats or left the theater completely."
"Oh yes!" Tius cackles. "That was fucking great."
"And this asshole's cackling while I'm trying to cover my nose and focus on the movie," says Thumper.
"Which movie was it?" Guu asks.
"Um," Thumper taps his chin. "It was that dumb movie..."
"Which one of Guu's films are you talking about?" Tius snickers.
They all explode in laughter.
"You asshole," chuckles Guu.
"Anyways, we'll go break," Thumper says. "Do we have any guests today?"
"Unfortunately, no," answers E-rock.
"Oh boy," Guu utters. "The listeners are gonna have to suffer through our babbling."
"They enjoy our babbling," says Thumper.
"Not to, uh," Tius starts with faux modesty. "...Speak highly of ourselves."
"Oh, Tius," Guu plays along. "Why would we?"
"Oh, gee," Tius responds with faux bashfulness. "I don't know, faggot."
"Oh, you!" Guu says, giving Tius a paw gesture.
"But I was gonna say at least we babble about interesting stuff," Tius says. "Unlike that fuckin' Radio Head."
"Woah, there," Thumper says. "That's a buddy of mine."
"Oh!" Guu chuckles. "I thought you were talking about the band."
"Nah," says Thumper. "We've known each other in the business for a while. And um...he's...he's good."
Thumper's face is awkward and there's a moment of silence.
"Ho-ho-holy shit," Guu chuckles. "That means he isn't."
"Anyways, we'll go to break," Thumper says quickly. "The Thumper & Guu Show will be right back!."
From there on, they continue on with their show which goes...slowly but they eventually make it through.
END OF CHAPTER
