As Expected, There's No Such Thing as a Dream Come True.

"You don't remember your own name?"

An incredulous pair of incredulous violet eyes met mine as I roughly turned my head away from them and snorted indignantly.

"What the hell is it to you? I'd rather not have a name at all if I found out that it was something like Twilight Sparkle."

"That's a perfectly normal name!"

"Sure, and I'm Strawberry Lemonade."

She paused.

"You are?"

"Hell no!"

It took a deal of self-restraint not to give the lavender colored mare an indignant swat of the head - but one of my long suffering, inviolable rules is to not engage in physical contact with anyone who's standing on my relationship chart was "stranger" or "acquaintance." Doesn't give anyone a good excuse to attack first, and if they take it as such, the police is on the 3rd speed dial of my cell phone.

Not that that would help me here.

"Hm.. really?"

"Yeah, really. That was a joke."

She paused for a moment, apparently deep in thought.

"That certainly isn't a bad name though.."

Remember the whole "IQ lower than Japan's birth rate" thing?

I wasn't kidding.

Four hours had passed since my somewhat rude awakening in Pastel Hell. This "Twilight Sparkle" character informed me that it's name was "Equestria," but I stand firm to my naming sense. Pastel it was, and hell it was even more so.

I sat on the couch I had woken up in, the jacket of my school uniform discarded over the armrest as the room had gotten somewhat stuffy. None of the other creatures were in sight, to my delight - it seems she had asked them to shoo so as to ensure that my second awakening wouldnot be as rude. Twilight Sparkle herself, on the other hand, sat (in a curious position that reminded me irresistibly of a dog)  on a cushion in front of me, clearly without the intention of following her friends out the door. However, that much was fine with me. Now that the hustle and bustle of whatever all that crap was cleared out, I could finally get down to business - and even if it took some help from this alien to do so.

It's important not to let go of the logical sequence of events, even in a frenzied or dire situation - this reaction is what separates those who, by some miracle, die when confronted with a confusing situation and those who manage. Thus, thanks to some minor explanation from Twilight, I was able to assemble something of a coherent timeline of what happened to me after the doors to my high school life closed and the gates to this reality opened.

Firstly, this purple thing for which I lacked a proper description for was, it seemed, a "pony." When she told me, I was tempted to point out to her what ponies look like where I came from - and decided it wasn't worth the questions that would undoubtedly follow ("There are ponies where you come from? Why were you so scared by us then?"). She was a mare named Twilight Sparkle, and she, while conducting a study of some rare plants in some place called the Butterfree Forrest, saw my limp and lifeless form descending from the sky above her - rather, it was actually falling at terrifying terminal velocity. But I prefer an image of my unconscious body slowly meeting the ground - daintily, almost like a feather from the wing of some angelic being - as opposed to hurtling towards the dirt like a sack of potatoes.

Twilight instinctively caught me using magic (I raised my eyebrows at this point, but I was in no position to argue considering the freak fashion show I was almost forced into the first time I woke up was made possible by magic) and assured that no harm would come to me. Having never seen a creature like me before, she was eager to bring me back home and examine me.

For the record, I'm glad I didn't get to hear what happened next, since I woke up a few hours after Twilight laid me down to rest in her residence, which resembled a library within a large tree.

So that was that. After questioning her intensely about how she had come about me, it seemingly was now her turn to ask me questions, starting with my name.. to which I had no answer.

I acted like it didn't really bother me in front of Twilight, but truthfully, I was confused out of my wits. Why couldn't I remember my own name? Is there a form of amnesia advanced enough to leave memories of my childhood, my family and friends and life back on planet Earth intact but erase my name?

Then it hit me -- hard. I wasn't at loss for just my own name, I had no idea what the name of any of my family or friends were. Their faces were fresh in my memory, warm and friendly and personal - but nameless.

I held my head in my hands and tried as hard as I could to remember.

Remember.. remember..! Who were they? What were their names?!

Just as I felt a blurry set of English letters in my mind start to rearrange and focus, pain hit me once more. It hurt in a similar manner to the "migraine" I experienced my first time waking up in Equestria. Pins and needles, from every conceivable direction, attacked my head.

"Agh..!"

I pressed my palms against my forehead in agony, the pain unrelenting and cruel.

Twilight Sparkle, whom I could not see in the darkness of my cupped hands against my eyes, spoke out worriedly,

"Are you okay?"

Is that what it looks like, moron?

But the pain was too great for me to even give her that snide reply. All I could do was focus on trying to repress the pain.

"Urhg.."

Slowly, but surely.. it was dissipating.

Then it was gone.

I released my head from my hands and realized I had broken out in cold sweat. Just what the hell was going on..?

"Hey, you.."

I looked up, remembering where I was and who's presence I was in. Her speech halted awkwardly with no name to address me with, but Twilight continued,

"That- that wasn't the first time that happened, was it?"

I looked down at my hands, still covered in sweat.

"No," I replied with a voice that sounded surprisingly hollow. I coughed, blaming it on a sore throat.

"Er-- does this world have water?"

What a stupid question. Twilight Sparkle, however, didn't seem to mind.

"Wait right here, I'll fetch you a glass."

I saw the flicker of something like pity on her features and instantly resented her for it as she unfolded her legs and trotted out of sight into an adjacent room.  Sympathy wouldn't get me out of this situation. No, it was infinitely more likely that it would do exactly the opposite.

I had to remember that, in spite of my situation, I had to keep my head. Even if these things -- ponies weren't human, they definitely were capable of driving me up a wall - thus, they were human enough in their mannerisms (or, perhaps, in spirit) for me to keep at arms length. Human enough for me to - in lay terms - scrutinize and doubt to the best of my abilities. There was no wiggle room here - I would never allow it. Not if it could be exploited and used against me.

And a moment later, she reappeared with the glass of water in question hovering ominously in front of her, supported by some amorphous-looking cloud of lavender. Magic, I assumed. It didn't surprise me anymore. I would have marveled at it, perhaps, in another set of circumstances, but right now that sorcery just rubbed me the wrong way. Made it even more obvious that this wasn't where I belonged.

"Here you are," she spoke with an almost annoyingly pert voice, but I let it pass. If this mare was anything like human girls back on Earth, then I already knew this behavior was hardwired into her system.

The pony reseated herself on the cushion in front of me and seemingly gestured the glass to edge closer to me. It was suspended there in the air within comfortable reach - I was reminded of those corny sci-fi movies where common food and drink often appeared to people through curious little hatches.

I shook my head. Thinking of home wasn't going to get me anywhere. Right now, I needed this - rather, my drier-than-the-sahara throat did.

I grabbed the glass and tentatively took a few sips of the blue, cel-shaded liquid -- and I was taken aback.

Could this be called sweet?

I couldn’t taste any impurities at all in that small cup. That faintly sweet and fresh flavor that lingered on my tongue made me no longer want to buy mineral water from convenience stores ever again.

I downed the entire glass in two great gulps and felt instantly refreshed. If there was any fatigue remaining in my system, that revitalizing liquid had chased it out, pitchforks and torches and everything. I don't know exactly what was up with this world, but it's water was superb - or it's filtering systems at the very least.

"Well, you certainly look like you enjoyed that!"

Twilight's voice caught me unguarded.

I glared at her in response. She flinched slightly under the guise of my skewering stare ("if looks could kill" as they say), but her smile only turned from a bright one to a slightly quivering one.

She was still treating me like some interesting sample. A lab rat.

I set the small glass upon a coffee table to my left.

"Okay."

I cleared my throat.

"I'm only going to say this once, so you had better listen closely."

Twilight looked like she already was, so I continued.

"I don't belong here. I might not remember now where and how it happened, but trust me, something took place and now I'm here when I should be in a place called school, in a galaxy called the Milky Way, on a planet called Earth, and in a country called The United States of America."

Not to my surprise, Twilight's expression was heavily betraying her desire to probably ask questions like what "Earth" stood for or whether this "Milky Way" posed some threat to the lactose intolerant. I continued on,

"In short, my being here is unnatural. It was never meant to happen. I'm still banking on the chance that all of this is a bad dream and I'll be waking up any second now, but.."

..I'd already thrown that idea out the window. That pain was too realistic to be a figment of my imagination, much less of my nightmares.

"I can't let my guard down. At least not right now.. so while I'm here, I want you to keep this in mind --"

Here's where the impressive part would come. I know this routine like the back of my hand - it's an intimidation tactic I would often use on people back on Earth. Of course, I'm no bully; there are simply circumstances in which you have to make your authority clear.. who the hell am I kidding? Whenever there were kids making a fuss in the waiting section at our family's salon, the responsibility to quiet them down nearly always came down to me, as it seems we were constantly understaffed. Laymans terms, Twilight Sparkle was tinier than me, so I was without doubt that this would scare her into submission if nothing else. I would stand up from my seat, stared down imposingly upon the guise of Twilight Sparkle, and let out a menacing slew of words that would tell her exactly how I feel about her and about being here--

"I've got it!" she yelled triumphantly,

I was intimidated instead. In the midst of extremely deep and calculative thought, her loud, nearly rambunctious shout caught me severely off guard. It took everything I had not to topple over in this already tiny sofa - and even still, I wasn't able to prevent that.

"Oof!"

I felt the wind go out of me as my severe flinch caused the legs of my support to lose balance, sending me toppling directly onto my back.

"O-oh no! Are you alright? I'm so sorry!"

I groaned - son of a bitch, I hurt -- but, mysteriously, the level of discomfort in that moment came nowhere near the extremity of the agony of my headaches. I don't know what that was supposed to tell me, and frankly, I couldn't care less. With a defeated groan, I rose unsteadily to my feet and righted the sofa to it's proper place.

"What, pray tell, did you 'get' just now?" I grunted as I sat back down, deciding not to answer her question.

"Well, I was just thinking.. your name."

"--?"

"It should be, beyond reasonable doubt.."

She seemed ready to wow me with something.

"Colt!"

I stared.

Twilight Sparkle's triumphant smile was suffering another bout of quivering.

"W-well, I mean.. I was j-just thinking.."

That was your first mistake, but go on.

"..the way you speak, the way you move, every mannerism of yours is just so.. masculine," she continued with something deep and imploring in her voice, "I can't imagine a better name for you, in the meantime, than Colt!"

I sighed. Not only had she totally sidetracked me, but it was to tell me that my name, of all the most important assets to a living being, should be "Colt"?!

I crossed my arms.

"Rejected."

"What?"

"Rejected. That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, now let me finish--"

"Oh, come on!"

Twilight rose to her feet-- hooves, I mean, a glint of defiance in her eyes.

And for the first time since I met this creature, she actually began debating with me.

"If you have no name, then talking with you becomes that much harder! And if I'm to help you with your predicament, then you have to give me something to go on!"

"Listen, I know what you want to tell me. From what I've gathered, I understand that you don't like Equestria at all so far - and I understand that too. You haven't seen all of it yet, you haven't experienced it the right way, you just got off on the wrong.."

She glanced down at my feet.

"..your first experience here wasn't awesome. In fact, you were positively overwhelmed! I would be too if I were in your.."

She glanced down at my feet again.

I cleared my throat.

"They're called sneakers."

"Right, in your sne.. snee.. snee-kerrs! So please, if you don't like 'Colt' then we can compromise! You can even come up with one on your own, but unless I-- no, unless Equestria has something to call you, then we won't get anywhere!" Her voice was starting to crack. "To start, I don't even know what kind of animal you are! I mean- I mean, yes, sure, 'human,' great, but what in the name of Celestia am I supposed to gather based on a vague dictionary definition? This is the first time I've ever encountered an organism of your kind and your body structure is just so interesting and even the way you appeared from the sky in the Everfree Forest raised a million questions but I never got the chance to think about it more and your ability to process and speak and do all sorts of things that ponies can do has been nagging me for hours now but I restrained myself and now you're here telling me I--!"

I can say I honestly wasn't expecting this. She sounded genuinely hurt.

"Okay, okay, calm down! Relax!"

In something like blind panic, I settled my right hand on top of Twilight Sparkle's head - another tactic I used at the salon to settle down the kids. But kids were kids and ponies were ponies - I was about to flinch backwards a second time at my stupid, instinctive response but..

..Her hair felt good. Surprisingly good. I couldn't tell if it was color treated or not because, by all accounts, everything in this world was a rather odd color but Twilight Sparkle's mane was smooth, well-kept - yet, voluminous and vibrant at the same time. Back at home, only an expensive set of different shampoos and treatments could help you attain this level of healthiness and shine - I know this since, whenever I helped out back at home, a few, rare customers would come in with hair like this. I would, at first, handle them with a stupidly fragile touch, afraid to break the heavenly barrier that surrounded the hair like a glass vase on a tall shelf. Over time, with the help of my mother, I learned how to brush it, comb it, wash it, dry it, cut it, and generally handle it with brimming confidence. It was part of our family's pride - whatever we did, even if it was a lowly occupation like hair styling, we did it to the very best of our abilities. Even if it was coping without a father to support our family financially, we braved through difficult times with everything we had. Even if..

Letting those moments flood back to me, all those memories playing in front of my eyes like a projector inside my own head; the face of my mother, that deep pit of excitement and child-like wonder in my heart upon learning a new skill and practicing it in front of a proud parent, and countless other things..

Absentmindedly, I let my fingers comb through Twilight's lavender and champagne pink mane, gently yet firmly maneuvering through each individual strand of hair like I had practiced countless times. The silky and soft feeling tickled my hand as I brushed a lock of this lush, beautiful hair - this sensation felt like home, and I was entranced by it.

"I- I.. ah.. u-uh.. um.. uh.."

So entranced, in fact, that I had completely forgotten where I was and whose hair - mane, rather - I was handling carelessly, like it was the most natural thing in the world. A full 10 or 15 seconds must have passed while my head was stuck in the clouds.

Twilight Sparkle, in the meantime, had stood completely still while this took place, her eyes wide with surprise. Her voice quivered and stuttered like a broken radio - a six paragraph essay was stuck in her throat, it seemed, filtering anything coherent and instead releasing a slew of somewhat audible words and oddly cute noises through her gaping mouth. Her features were flushed a dainty pink, and the sight of her irresistibly reminded me of..

..I'm not sure. It made me feel weird to think about. What I was sure of, however, was that I had certainly messed up in some way.

The flinch that I should have given credence to a moment earlier took hold of my body now as I retracted my hand and the rest of me away from Twilight Sparkle.

"Err," I started awkwardly, "H-how should I put this.."

I scratched the back of my head like an idiot.

"I'm.. sorry?"

If this were literally anyone else in this three-dimensional plane of existence, they would take my half-assed apology as a personal insult and most likely call the police - or taken it upon themselves to personally beat the living shit out of me. In the case of Twilight Sparkle, however..

"I-it's fine," she responded with a faint voice, feeling the part where I had stroked her mane with her hoof. "I was just a little.. surprised."

An awkward moment of silence passed between us. I decided it was, despite the circumstances, best to move on.

I let a heavy sigh escape my lips as I sat back down on the sofa behind me (Twilight doing so as well with her cushion), and broke the air with my voice,

"Colt is fine. I am, undeniably, male after all, so it's not the worst you could do.."

Twilight looked up at me and a glimmer of hope passed over her features as I continued,

"I'll take that name on, then. If it really makes it that much easier.."

She was eager at the chance to jump in,

"It sure does! You bet it does!"

I paused.

"..Then that's fine. From now on, as long as I'm alive in Pastel Hell--"

"Equestria."

"Yeah, Requestria, whatever. As long as I'm living and breathing in this.. uh, place, my name is Colt."

Crap, this was embarrassing.

I looked back at Twilight.

"Is this good enough for you?"

She looked happier than she had any right being as she beamed and vigorously nodded twice.

I was able to wake up in this world with the consciousness of me, myself, a human being. While I could not remember my name, I had sure and true memories of having been born someplace totally different. Whether it’s because of some irregular, wild incident or a certain person’s will, I probably existed here to.. complete a mission - is the farthest I'm willing to extend my imagination. But I had no interest in that.

My name is Colt. I'm going to find a way to get back home, and I'm going to remember my real name if it kills me.

After all (and I'll admit it just this once), "Colt" certainly does sound cool. The name reeks, almost, of masculinity, the image of a smoking pistol and a the guise of some kind of magnificent horse coming to almost immediately to mind - but for my face, with my eyes that look like that of a dead fish's, and my equally as rotten character..

A name like Colt..

Really, it was much too cool for the likes of me.

As Expected, There's No Such Thing as a Dream Come True.

1: My Name is Colt END