Adagio Dazzle and the Revenge of the Naan Bread
Adagio Dazzle sat in her cave or wherever the fuck she lived, licking her wounds, both metaphorical and literal. That Shimmer girl had got the best of her twice now — first at the Battle of the Bands, and now at Tesco — and Adagio was not the kind of girl to stand for such treatment. A single tear rolled down her cheek as she clutched the shard of broken red crystal to her chest.
The next morning, Adagio went to meet her friend Fluttershy. Yes, friend — a few short weeks ago, Adagio would have laughed if anybody had told her that she and Fluttershy would be friends, but since Principal Celestia had tasked the shy girl with "rehabilitating" Adagio, the siren had developed a grudging respect for her. She might have seemed meek and timid, but the girl had a way of bending people to her will through acts of kindness — Adagio thought that perhaps she might even be able to learn something from Fluttershy.
It was at their regular weekly get-together for coffee that Adagio mentioned her latest run-in with Sunset Shimmer, and her thirst for revenge.
"I… I, well, I'm friends with Sunset now, but I do remember what it was like to be at the receiving end of her bullying," Fluttershy admitted. She twirled her long pink hair around her finger, thinking back to Sunset Shimmer's reign of terror at Canterlot High School.
"Bullying… it goes beyond bullying! I actually think that she and that spooky, scary skeleton were trying to rape me." Adagio covered her face and tried to suppress the tears. She didn't want Fluttershy to see her weakness.
Fluttershy took a sip of her hot peppermint tea. "Oh dear," she whispered.
"You can't blame me for wanting to extract a violent, bloody revenge, can you?" Adagio slammed her fist down on the table, shaking her coffee cup.
Fluttershy shrugged. "I suppose it is understandble." She put her cup down and thought for a while. "Wait a moment." She picked her backpack off the floor and rummaged around inside it, pulling out various leashes, collars, whips, gimp masks, and other animal-related paraphenalia. "Here it is," she announced, pulling out a boxed DVD and handing it to Adagio.
Adagio read from the cover. "Iron Will's Assertiveness Techniques." A picture on the cover showed an angry-looking man in what looked like a Viking helmet, with two horns. She turned the box over and read the back. "Now with bonus ninja lessons…? What is this, Fluttershy?!"
"Oh, I bought it to deal with Sunset, but I never got around to watching it. Twilight Sparkle arrived and her magic magically made Sunset magically not evil anymore, so I didn't need it. I thought that maybe, perhaps, you might like to give it a try?"
Adagio's trademark smirk returned to her face.
Adagio Dazzle and the Revenge of the Naan Bread
Having rested and trained for several weeks, Adagio finally felt ready to return to Tesco to face her enemies, and buy some Indian breads and miscellaneous accompaniments. Adagio stared at the dreaded store ahead of her, a blooded katana in one hand and a revolver in the other. "Things are about to get serious." Afagio charged into the store, guns blazing, only to be stopped by her rival: Super Evil Sexy Demon Sunset Shimmer.
"Well, well, well... look who returned to my store," the she-demon replied. "Come to look at the candles again, Afagio?"
"I've come to settle a score... and buy some naan bread, because it is really very reasonably priced." She held her sword aloft, but the steel blade set off the security alarm by the door. As soon as the security alarm went off, Adagio was tackled to the ground by the head of security, who was a gay vampire mistress called Sweggy McVampire.
"Long time no see, Adagio," Sweggy purred. She straddled the siren by her voluptuous hips.
"H-How do you know my name?" Adagio questioned, trying to sound as stern as possible, though the creeping blush on her cheeks made her appear anything but stern.
Sweggy leaned in closer to Adagio's face. "You have a history with this place, and besides..." She got even closer and flicked Adagio's nose. "Don't act like you mind." Sweggy, now able to lick the siren's face if she wanted to, motioned to the she-demon that she had the situation under control.
The siren leader wasn't sure how best to defeat Sunset's latest minion. Her training and experience had narrowed her options down to two possible courses of action. She'd need to either slay the vampire mistress or cause her to have such an incredible orgasm that she'd be incapacitated. Why not both? she mused. Afagio knew what she had to do. "And what if I do mind? Are you gonna punish me?" Adagio flashed the vampire mistress her signature smirk. "Personally, I'm more of a top anyway."
With all the force of a real siren, which is greater than that of an vampire mistress, she rolled to get herself on top and immediately started tearing away at Sweggy's clothes, leaving her upper half exposed to the Dazzling. "Why do you insist on standing in my way?!"
Adagio plunged the handle of her katana into the vampire mistress's wet pussy and started pleasuring her with the blunt end of the sword. The vampire bit her lip to stifle a moan, and a drop of her own blood rolled down her chin. "Ooh, baby," she moaned and then laughed evilly.
The Dazzling noticed Sweggy's delicious reactions. "I'm going to fuck your brains out and there's nothing you can do," Adagio purred and shoved the entire weapon inside the security guard. It was all but gone, aside from the tip of the blade still visible. Adagio grabbed the steel, unknowingly clutching it tight enough to draw her own blood, and thrust it in and out of Sweggy at a steady rhythm slowly picking up speed. However the scent of blood didn't go unnoticed by the vampire; it sent her into a beastly frenzy.
With an inhuman speed, Sweggy was already at Adagio's throat, biting into the soft flesh. The siren screamed in a bizarre mix of agony and pleasure as her rich scarlet blood was slowly leaving her.
Afagio knew that if she let the vampire continue she'd eventually pass out. She didn't really want to stop her, but then it hit her: she needed the naan bread and had no time for this nonsense. The gold siren reached down for the katana again, pulling it fully out before grabbing it by its hilt and penetrating the vampire mistress with the sharp end. Once the katana was fully inside Sweggy, Adagio tore it out, leaving a gaping hole. Sweggy's bite loosened as she fell to the floor. Adagio got up and turned away from the brutally maimed body, put on a pair of sunglasses and said to herself, "fatality."
She knew the next challenge she would have to face: the miniature Sombra and Hans of the Southern Isles. The pair were still angry from their last encounter and waved spears menacingly at Adagio. To make matters worse they were joined by another miniature friend: Shrek, wielding a tiny mace.
The three miniature villains advanced on Adagio, waving their weapons and shouting threats at her.
However no matter how menacing they looked, they were only 5 inches tall. They charged at Adagio, attacking her ankles with their real ultimate ninja power. Adagio just ignored them and stared Demon Sunset down. "There's no point in hiding," Adagio taunted.
Sunset was now pushing along a shopping cart. "Oh, I'm not hiding, dear. Just doing some groceries," Sunset retorted as she walked into aisle 7.
Adagio thought about that and realised: that's the aisle with the naan bread! She kicked off the tiny villains, and gave chase to the bacon-haired half-demon, half-sex, half-cat. She arrived at the aisle to find Sunset had taken the last naan bread.
Adagio quickly went to one of Tesco's employees and asked if they had any more in stock. She was received a stern "no" as a reply from the employee, who was wearing a name tag saying "my name is Maud."
With this information, the siren gave chase to the demon who was quickly heading for the check-out. Adagio almost caught up with Sunset near the washing up liquid aisle, but the she-demon spilled several bottles on the floor, causing her to skid uncontrollably and land on a shelf full of sponges. She grabbed an armful and gave chase again.
They rounded the corner of the fruit and veg aisle, with Adagio throwing sponges at Sunset.
One of the workers quickly intervened. "You'll pay for that!" He ripped off his shirt to reveal ripped abs with the words "I ♥ Chris" tattooed on. He lifted an annoying guitarist guy called Flash Sentry and threw him at them. He exploded into a fiery blaze, killing or injuring many civilians. Sunset and Adagio escaped into the parking lot. The clouds turned black and consumed the sun. Heavy rain started drenching everything in sight.
"It's time to end this!" Adagio emptied all six bullets on Sunset, though each shot had no effect.
"What!?" Surprise and anger were present in the siren's voice.
Sunset chuckled darkly. "It's no use, Dagi."
"Why won't you die?!"
"Nanomachines, son!" The she demon teleported in front of Adagio and drop-kicked her, sending the siren stumbling back to regain her balance.
But Sunset's assault was relentless, she threw punch after punch, kick after kick, giving Afagio no time to rest. Good thing she knew the one weakness of nanomachines. She tripped over the demon and ran back into the ruined store, into the still-standing security office and opened the closet to reveal Aria and Sonata.
Adagio picked her up and shouted, "Hey! Hey! Look! Listen! Hey, hey! Look!"
Aria, being understandably confused, panicked, "what?! what is it, Adagio?"
Adagio slapped her around the face to calm her down. "Naan! It's all about the naan bread! I need it, and Sunset Shimmer isn't going to stand in my way!"
"You're still on about the naan bread? That was weeks ago. Try some tacos!" said Sonata, blinking and emerging into the light.
"But don't you understand?!" exclaimed Adagio. "This naan bread is baked from Equestrian flour." Sonata looked puzzled so Adagio explained further. "A few weeks ago, Twilight Perfect Pretty Pony Princess Sparkle was baking pancakes with Pinkie Pie, and accidentally dropped a bag full of flour through the magic mirror into this world."
Sonata nodded, her lightning-fast brain taking in all the knowledge effortlessly. Adagio continued. "She was too tired and frazzled to reclaim it, but it became infused with Equestrian magic."
Sonata had it all figured out. She completed the explanation herself. "But before you could get your hands on the flour, a man called Tamwar Masood found it and baked it into a variety of Indian foods, including naan."
"Precisely, Sonata." Adagio grinned. "And I need that naan bread to defeat that bitch Sunset."
Sonata looked horrified. "Sunny's back, for realizies?! Then you'll need my help." She picked up her twin grenade launchers and followed Adagio back out to the car park. "And that's really Twilight Sparkle's full name?!"
Aria sighed. "You're the worst, Sonata!" She decided to stay in the store in case Sunset tried to sneak back in.
The two sirens in human form walked in slow motion, accompanied by the sound of symphonic rock music. "Sunset must be hiding behind one of these cars," Adagio announced.
"Right," Sonata said gruffly. She walked up to the nearest car, a smart Mercedes-Benz, and with one hand, flipped it over. It wasn't that car.
She walked to the next car, a mid-sized Volkswagen, suitable for a small family, and flipped that over too, to find Sunset cowering behind it, having wet her pants.
Adagio hissed. "Ah! There you are! Give me the naan bread and no one gets hurt!"
"Never!" Sunset unfurled her magnificent phoenix wings and soared high into the dark sky with the naan bread.
Sonata took aim with her grenade launchers and pulled the trigger, firing the gun. Sadly she was holding it backwards. The grenades hit the ground and exploded immediately, amputating her legs at the knees.
"Do I have to do everything myself, Sonata?" Adagio asked in an annoyed manner. She sprouted her flaming bat wings that still made sunset's look like crap and flew after the phoenix girl.
Adagio quickly caught up with Sunset and tackled her in the air. The two struggled and their wings became entangled causing them to plummet to the ground where their impact resulted in a tremendous explosion, sending a shock wave through the car park, overturning all the remaining cars.
"You give me that bread!" Adagio screeched, making a dive for the naan.
Sunset tried to launch herself into the sky again, but found her hair had snagged on a bit of rubble and she was unable to fly. "Curses!" she shouted, pumping her fists in frustration.
"Time's up, Shimmer," Adagio said menacingly. Adagio claimed her prize from her enemy. "Yes, finally! The naan is finally mine!"
Her victory was cut short however as Maud snatched the bread away from her. "You didn't pay for that and you're now banned for life from ever entering any Tesco store ever again... ever," Maud stated flatly.
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"I will not take that type of attitude, ma'am. Just for that, I'm giving the bread to your friend here."
Sunset grabbed the bread and let out an evil laugh.
The mere presence of the naan bread gave sunset the strength to free herself from the rubble.
"See, Adagio? Bad girls never win." She casually walked back to her home.
Adagio was still dumbfounded in the parking lot as another employee, the one who threw the Sentry-bomb, approached her holding a receipt. "I told you you'd pay for it... now let's see. Thirty bottles of washing up liquid, and ten sponges. That'll be one hundred and ninety pounds, please."
Sonata limped back to the wreckage of the supermarket on the bloody stumps that remained of her legs, and collapsed beside the five inch corpses of Sombra, Hans, and Shrek, weeping copious tears. "Why?!" she yelled at the sky. "Why do the good ones always have to die so young?!"
Adagio knelt beside her and put her arms around her crying friend. "One day, Sonata... one day we'll have our revenge. Still, at least I took out that bitch vampire mistress." She looked across at where she'd left Sweggy's shattered corpse, only to find nothing but a pool of her evil vampire blood remaining.
"It... it can't be! There's no way anyone could've survived that!" Adagio looked around the wreckage; she could feel she was being watched.
"Let's go, Sonata" Adagio picked up Sonata. "There's nothing left for us here now."
Together they headed back to their residence unaware of the creature watching their every move.
Author's Note
Adagio will return!
