The Things We Do For Love
Let it go on record that I hate weddings. Now, that may come as a surprise considering my species, but the fact of the matter is, all that sweet syrupy love in one place gives me indigestion. Do you know how hard it is to not feed on something so delicious? It stinks.
Also, I stink. As in, I'm sweaty. As in, I just flew 500 fae-blasted miles to get here. I could have been sitting comfortably in my pod, watching it on television, but no, I had to make an in-person appearance. Do you know how tired my wings are? Of course you don't, you didn't fly 500 miles to get here.
You're probably wondering why I--a sort-of-lowly drone, okay who am I kidding I'm like third in command--am here, as opposed to, you know, our queen. I wonder that myself. Actually, no I don't. I know exactly why. She's lazy and cowardly. Look, here's the invitation right here:
Cranky Doodle Donkey
&
Matilda
Cordially invite Her Royal Majesty Queen Chrysalis of the Changeling Swarm to their lawful betrothal on the afternoon of
Saturday, June thirteenth, one thousand-five, two o'clock
at the
Ponyville Town Hall
Gifts appreciated but not required.
You see whose name is clearly on the invitation? Queen Chrysalis's. Notice who isn't mentioned on the card? Don. And yet I'm stuck here suffering through some cheesy speech about all of us being a special part of each other's lives. Yeesh, and I thought my leader was loquacious.
So yeah, the conversation that led to my reluctant presence here went something like this:
"Special delivery, your majesty!"
"Err, yes, thank you Miss..."
"Doo. Or Hooves. Or Muffins."
"Right. How did you even find me?"
"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays me from the swift completion of my appointed rounds. Discord is another matter, but fortunately he's not here. Here, have a muffin and a Derpy Day!"
Actually, that was just the conversation that led to my queen being in possession of a wedding invitation. The part where I come in went something like this:
"A wedding!?! They must think I'm an idiot. The place will be swarming (pun unintended) with Royal Guards!"
"Actually, Your Majesty, preliminary reconnaissance indicates that while most of the royals are likely to be in attendance, this by and large will be an intimate civilian affair unaffiliated with the state beyond the involvement of Mayor Mare. Also, there'll be cake."
"I won't partake in any cake. My question is, why was I invited? What have I done for them?"
"Well, M'am, you did invade their town and replace many of its inhabitants with all the changelings who failed acting class."
"I'm having a hard time seeing how that would be a positive contribution in their eyes."
"Or, maybe they're just inviting you to be polite."
"Or, maybe it's a trap."
"Possibly, M'am, but I doubt it. Weddings--our shenanigans aside--are generally considered to be neutral territory."
"Really? Have you watched Game of Thrones lately?"
"My Queen, you cancelled the hive's HBO subscription on account of the hive having no money."
"Hey, be happy we at least still have cable. I know how much you like Pound Puppies."
"Dutifully noted. I'll report any additional intelligence that comes in."
"Actually, I have a new assignment for you, Don."
"Yes, Your Majesty?"
"You see, I'm in a bit of a pickle, or as the ponies would say, stuck between a rock and Maud Pie."
"I don't believe the ponies say that, but go on."
"If I show my face at the wedding, there will likely be mass pandemonium that would take either a two-parter or a rushed musical sequence to sort out. Plus it's old hat; I doubt I could top my entrance at the last wedding I was invited to."
"You crashed that one, M'am."
"Yes, yes, semantics. Anyway, it's clear it would be unwise for me to attend. But in the other hole, if I don't put in an appearance, that would be quite tacky, dare I even say uncouth."
"Also, true, my queen."
"Any suggestions, my loyal servant?"
"Maybe make a Skype appearance?"
"No, my webcam is broken."
"I am at a loss for suggestions then."
This is the point where had I been in charge, we would have all just forgotten the whole affair and gone to Thursday night Bingo per the usual routine. Unfortunately, despite my impeccable performance as the queen's most trusted adviser and mail sorter, I still have no modicum of actual power. Which is unfortunate for me, because the next words out of the queen's mouth were:
"I know! I don't need to appear in person. I can have someling appear in my stead as a representative."
"A fine compromise, Your Majesty. Whom might you wish to send?"
"You."
You know how it is, once the queen's made up her mind on something, there's no changing it. And like a baby duckling imprinting on its mother, I was the first 'ling she laid eyes on. Also, it might have had something to do with me wiping her clean at bingo last week.
So you see, here I am now, sitting in the back all by myself, deep inside enemy lines or feeding grounds, depending on how you look at it, surrounded ponies who hate me because I am a changeling. Fortunately, they seem more focused on the wedding. Nopony's even noticed me yet.
Probably because I'm sitting in the back. With my shield of boringness running at full blast. Also, anypony who starts paying too much attention to me has been getting a "forget-me-so" spell straight to the solar plexus. That might have something to do with my low profile.
Oh hey, speaking of not keeping a low profile, there's the mare who tried to solicit me during the battle of Canterlot. I'll have to get her number. She was pretty fun until she blasted me with a friendship cannon.
So yeah, that's why I'm here. Be glad you aren't me.
"Hey," Gummy reminded his fellow telepathic empath, "at least you can talk".
One week later...
"Don, what the fluff?! I send you to Ponyville to attend a wedding and you end up normalizing relations with the Equestrian crown!"
"Yeah, funny thing, really. I ended up chatting up Luna and Celestia at the reception afterwards, and it turns out they're actually pretty cool ponies when you're not trying to overthrow them."
"Don, ponies are food, not friends. We don't play with our food."
"See, your Majesty, that sort of attitude is why noling likes you. And on that note, I'm putting in my two week notice."
"You're quitting? You can't quit!"
"I can and I will. Celestia herself offered me an expedited path to Equestrian citizenship and the newly created position of ambassador to the Changeling kingdom. I'll still be working with you, just not under you. And I'll be paid with actual money instead of PennySaver coupons and slime bunnies."
"But--but, what about all the good times we had together? What about all the invading and plundering and brainwashing you've advised me on?"
"M'am, I've warned against every single hare-brained campaign you've unsuccessfully carried out. I'm pretty sure you just like having someling you can ignore to make yourself feel more powerful."
"Hmmmph, fine. But don't come crawling back to me when I change the Netflix password."
Author's Note
written in my car on an iPad, which isn't the most elegant set up in the world. Hope you guys enjoy.
