Chapter 1: Bacon/ Setting of the Mood

So, there I was, vampire/(Self proclaimed)Necromancer God, making sweet love to this guys chest with the business end of his own broadsword when, out of nowhere, I released my white, hot, load. I mean, I knew this guy had some storage gems lodged somewhere in the mosh pit that was his organs, but I only expected a little bit of power when I shattered it. I could absorb it easily, but I was so caught up in the act of making sweet sword love that I stumbled a little and maybe hopped dimensions a little bit. Ya'know.... just a stumble. The world seemed to implode around be like that one time I tried to date an overly attached Lich. I cry when I think back to her hugs. My organs would literally melt. I could practically hear the eighties power ballad in the back of my mind as I was forcefully sucked into the incomprehensible vortex that was everything but nothing at the same time. I was having a small panic attack till' I remembered what day it was and just went with the flow. It was Tuesday.

Opening my eyes, I found myself in a whirling red and black vortex. I had heard the vortex looked different for everyone since the real colors couldn't been seen by any living being. luckily, I did know what it looked like, since I had died one or twice after being flung out of the universe. Though, I usually just got flung back right into my own universe, but this time I kept going. I made like Super Lich and flew strait down the vortex, screaming in delight the whole way. If you hear a laughing maniac in the night, it was me.

About a minute later I find myself playing with myself. I groaned loudly as I finished. Extreme Jenga just wasn't fair when zooming down the seams that split realities.

After about a whole five minutes I contemplate suicide. I remember all I had to kill myself with was some skyscraper I found that I used for extreme Jenga and that just wouldn't do, now would it? It wouldn't. So I began thinking. About the fact that I was most likely never going to see my home again. If you hear screams of victory in your dreams, it was me. I had way to many cults trying to find and worship me. Once, some cult tried to breed me with a cow to create the devil or something. I'm ashamed to say I thought about it before massacring them. All of them. Even the cow. It was delicious.

After a few more minutes, I become curious. I reached my arm out to one of the vortexes walls. I knew what would happen. I would leave the vortex, and then end up in another universe. One theory is that anyone who ended up in another plane of existence would lock onto the largest source of power closest to where they ended up unless they physically tried not to. As my finger slowly entered the wall, it just stayed there. That's until, about twenty seconds later, it was TORN off of my hand! I ripped my had to my mouth and began to suckle on the stump of my finger as it began to regrow. I frowned at the vortex wall before LUNGING AT IT!

Canterlot Castle - Outside Private Dining Area

Princess Luna and Princess Celestia, rulers of the land of ponies known as Equestria sat at opposite ends of a short dining table as they ate in relative silence. They were outside on a balcony overlooking the Royal Gardens, eating there Royal food, Sitting on there Royal rumps. When Celestia drank a small sip of her wine, she felt a small spot of wetness on her muzzle. She lick it, assuming it was wine. It was not. She spit what she had just licked out of her mouth and onto the wooden table in front of her, startling Luna. She grabbed at her flowing mane, and vigorously rubbed her snout.

"Sister? Have you tasted something most fowl?" She asked, rather confused.

"I-I think some blood just landed on my snout,"

Celestia slowly looked up, as did Luna. A few seconds later, right in the center of the table plopped down a finger. Blood oozed out of one end, and as Celestia was about to speak, they both heard something quite peculiar. Screaming, from above them. It was hard to make out, but they assumed whatever it was said,

"OH GOD MY LEGS! WHY! WHYYYYY~" I screamed at the top of my quivering lungs.

Upon leaving the vortex, I was happy to find out I hadn't been cut in half. That is, until one of my legs kicked me in the face while I free fell. I hugged both of my legs as I fell to the ground, tears of blood soaking my face. I wasn't really in pain, but I was sad. Me and thos epair do legs had been through a lot. It had been a whole eight months since I had lost a pair of legs. It wasn't like I would lose my scars, don't ask why they stay after regeneration, but It was my pride that had been injured. My pride.

It was just a gosh darn shame. Legging go of my legs and wiping the bloody tears from my face, I looked down. Right before smashing face first into a slab of evergreen oak. No I didn't pass out, but I did cradle my pride's balls while I played still, face planted in the concrete below the now broken table I seemed to have landed on. Then I took a nap. NO! I did not pass out! I took a nap. I took a nap. A nice, long, nap. Okay, I passed out, it was the magic backlash from entering a new universe. But it could happen to anyone!