Iam Noone: The Dope Fiend Prometheus

Okay, not the second chapter I initially intended to write, but David Silver went and changed the universe.  And since I'm telling this story in his universe (with permision he probably wishes he could take back ) it means I have to at least try to roll with it.  Is cool.  This takes place imediately after this, just after Lyra and Bon Bon try and sneak off, but before they're confronted by Lyra's other patients.

Iam Noone stalked angrily through the woods.  Lyra had closed up the rehab center for former-humans and just skipped town.  There was a note on the door when he’d shown up for his weekly session.  He’d blown it.  It was even worse than that time he’d lost that bet with the big gay mexican drug-lord.  And that had been a pretty low point in his life.  How many second, third, fourth chances was he going to waste like this?  Reborn into a world of pastel talking horses were practically nothing was illegal (at least that was the only explanation he could come up with for why he was still a free man, or horse, or pony… whatever), and he was still nothing more than a hopeless embarrassment.  Hell his THERAPIST just skipped town on him.  And it was actually her JOB to be his friend.  Because oddly enough, it seemed that was how that worked here.

Part of him thought he should be happy.  No more group therapy.  No more nosey unicorn trying to coax him into talking about stupid things like where he came from, or how he felt about his situation, or asking how he was adjusting to being a midget horse.  No more stupid minty horse lady asking him stupid questions about his stupid life.  His life could finally get back to normal.  He could finally get back to not existing in the eyes of the world around him.  Finally, the only creature that had ever shown any interest in his existence had up and skipped town.

Iam briefly noticed that his hooves were wet, and looked up to notice he was no longer walking through a wood, but was deep in a swampy bog.  This would have alarmed any creature with any sense of self preservation.  Iam merely looked back down and went back to his own miserable thoughts.

”She was just another head shrink at the end of the day,” he sulked bitterly to himself, “You can pretend she was your ‘friend’ but you know damn well that in the end you weren’t even in the friend zone.  You were a patient.”

Iam let out a short bitter laugh, “So that’s it?  Iam Noone tries to have one friend.  Just ONE LOUSY FRIEND,” he screamed at the surrounding swamp, “I’m not even trying for a girlfriend, oh gods-forbid that!  Just thought maybe I could actually be friends with my lesbian pony therapist.  This day could not get any worse.”

Suddenly it occurred to Iam that he wasn’t going anywhere.  Also, the trees were getting taller.  And his horse-knees were wet for some reason he knew should be obvious.

“And of COURSE it’s quicksand,” Iam muttered darkly, “Why the fuck wouldn’t it be quicksand.  Well I’m pretty well fucked.  HEY, ANYBODY WANNA HELP AND/OR KILL AND EAT ME?”

He waited a moment as he looked around for anything he might could grab with his mouth to pull himself free.  Nothing, of course.  By now he was down to his shoulders.  He knew there was no sense in struggling, unless he just wanted to drown tired.  And so Iam Noone prepared his silent death prayer And from his mind poured forth the most trollishly obscene horse-blasphemy he could conceive as his welcoming cry to the gods.

If you really want to read Iam Noones final plea to the gods of Equestria you have nopony but yourself to blame.  Downvote yourself or god over this, cause it's not my fault.  I warned you.

Thirteen red and black alicorns danced through the rainbow factory as the author’s OC shipped with Twilight Sparkle.  Prince BlueBlood fucked Rarity straight in her horsey plot hole while rainbow cupcakes flew across the moon.  Narrative conventions were cast to hell as Applejack cunt-punted Fluttershy straight into the Crystal Empire.

Discord shipped shamelessly with Spike the dragon, reaming his little dragon ass for all it was worth, while singing in the voice of the ghost of Robin Williams.  The author soon lost all sense of decorum and the world dissolved into one big giant horse-pussy as the downvotes fell like rain.  Woona slid down the pink slippery slide into the hell of foal-shipped pedophilia.

Pinky Pie tried to slit her own throat to escape this literary abortion, but found her knife had transformed into a giant dildo, and she was forced to simply bash herself in the face repeatedly with the rubber dick in the hopes that she might eventually lose consciousness.

Meanwhile, as Scootaloo squirmed helplessly on the rotisserie rack, the diamond dogs clubbed Sweetie Belle like a baby seal and dragged her into the ground for raping and dismemberment that would never be described adequately for the reader’s perverted pleasure.  Apple Bloom just shook her head sadly, knowing that sooner or later she too would be dragged into this poorly written madness.

And these were the final living thoughts of Iam Noone.  And sometimes the gods are actually listening….