Paul Blart, edgemaster of the multiverse, inhaled another cake as his Poptart Fleet conquered yet another universe, literally steamrolling it as construction of a brand new super-mall began. This had been the third one this week, and his progress no doubt pleased the segway gods.

Blart knew in his diabetic heart that eventually his lard-fueled conquest would lead to his demise, the Jews would be waiting and they would probably take over again with their menorah jetpacks and jewfros. But until that day came, he was going to fuck shit up, and he was going to do it harder then a coprophiliac in zero-g.

Suddenly, a massive purple wormhole appeared in the blackness of space, pulling his entire fleet, excluding his vessel, in along with the newly constructed super-mall. A single tear rolled down Bart's cheek, but he remained steadfast.

Pulling a microphone out of his fat rolls, he ordered the captain of the ship, Admiral Ackbar, to go full speed ahead.

Ackbar, despite sensing a trap, complied with zeal. He shoved the lever labeled 'Do Not Push Up' upwards until it snapped off and killed a completely unimportant and undescribed crewmember, who was probably a day away from retirement.

Paul immediately inhaled the corpse, and gained +1 to his lard factor, and gained a single point of HP.

Paul smiled, and screamed his victory screech, his rolls vibrating in fury, as his strawberry poptart ship went with ludicrous speed into the unknown.

***

Twilight was having a pretty normal day.

No evil invading talking swiss cheese bugs to worry about, no obligatory plot device space bear, no narcissistic evil princess person who was probably having her period during that time.

Yep, none of that bullshit.

Suddenly, she felt a disturbance in the Force. That was probably copyrighted, so to avoid a strike on her Equestrian equivalent of a Youtube account, she turned off notifications.

Curious as to what had disturbed the space-time continuum, she walked to the balcony of her unnecessarily big crystal castle. She pulled out her Plot Device Sensing Telescope 2.0, or PDST for short, and placed it on the edge of the balcony.

Naturally, it turned to the nearest source of exposition, and came to a stop pointing at the center of all plot points, the Everfree Forest.

“Ah shit,” she muttered to herself, knowing full well what was coming, “Spike! Board up the windows and send a letter to the Princesses, we may have an edgefag on our hooves.”

Spike, spawning from seemingly nowhere, saluted like a cunt and did his ghetto magic to spawn a letter. Instead of spell-checking it, he just fire-teleported it to the throne room of the Princesses, much to Twilight’s frustration.

Actually using the telescope this time, she inspected the Everfree for any signs of edgy or canon-breaking bullshit, but none was seen.

‘Weird.’ Twilight thought to herself, ‘Usually there’s a red and black Alicorn OC or an edgy human in a big crater, but I don’t see any-’

With a loud boom, the plot device was born. A purple wormhole, though apparently not nearly as big as before, completely fucked up the Everfree Forest by consuming the entire thing. Twilight knew Fluttershy was probably pissing herself right now, considering her dictated personality and her usual reaction when shit like this happens.

Before Twilight could do anything relating to the situation, a giant frosted fudge poptart burst from the wormhole and slid across the ground, spreading artificial jelly all over the place.

“What in the name of the all-powerful Lord Gaben is that?”

Twilight was not used to this kind of situation happening, especially when it involves edible objects and a fucked sideways version of an alien invasion.

And then thousands of malls crashed into the ground next to it, conveniently missing the raspberry poptart but spilling thousands of segways onto the ground. This sudden impact caused an earthquake, because that’s how physics work you judgmental cunt-pickle.

At this point, Twilight stopped questioning it and decided that this would be far too ludicrous to even try to ponder. But if she knew one thing, it was that the cherry poptart probably contained the main character.

Punctuating her question, a hatch opened up on the on the ‘top’ of the oreo poptart, and out came a evil, menacing...human? Well, he was fat, but that probably held no relevance.

‘Well, that’s a fucking buzzkill if I’ve ever seen one.’ Out of all the possibilities the universe could of chosen, it chose another human. Originality was through the roof today.

She had to admit though that his attire was...strange at best. He wore a plain white dress shirt with a solid blue tie, and wore black khakis that looked on the verge of breaking from the man’s size.

At least the shirt was decorated nicely, with a colorful badge on it’s right sleeve and a strange looking device attached next to the collar. That probably wouldn’t prevent Rarity from losing her shit though.

As if on cue, Rarity appeared next to the the overweight human and started screaming unintelligible fashion babble at him.

***

“Excuse me, you lard bucket, but your wardrobe is absolutely inexcusable! We must get you to my boutique immediately!” Rarity pulled on the fat man’s sleeve, trying to get him to follow her. Instead, he just stared at her blankly, much to Rarity’s anger.

“I said follow!” She pulled more harshly this time, but the mountain of the man remained unmoved. Rarity decided to resort to the timeless and classic tactic of pulling on the flabby arm that squished under her hooves.

“Eeeeew!” Rarity said, instantly letting go of the man’s arm, “Do you even work out?!”

Rarity saw the man’s eyes narrow when she said the last two words, and, being a total cunt, she narrowed her own back.

“That’s…” Rarity’s eyes widened, the human spoke perfect Equestrian! “That’s my trigger word!”

The whale of a man jumped up to a seemingly impossible height, and drop kicked her cracker ass through the entire planet, Rarity disintegrating into dust the whole way down.

***

Twilight shrugged.

She knew somepony was going to die at some point, and that the Princesses would probably turn the ‘evil rampaging bad guy’ into stone at a later point. A more important question was how in the hell that fat guy drop kicked Rarity with enough force to send her through a planet.

“Well, that’s something you don’t see everyday...or ever for that matter.”

The new antagonist totally just fucked up one of her friends, but due to plot device magic, she would be revived later when the time came. The only way that it wouldn’t work was if the author actually took logic into account, but that obviously was thrown out the door, into the street, and ran over a couple times, with a segway, just to make sure it died a violent death.

“TWILIGHT!”

Twilight jumped backwards until she temporarily orbited the planet, screaming bloody murder all the way even with the lack of oxygen. She, conveniently, crashed right back onto her balcony in the same place where she was before, still screaming and completely unharmed.

Once Twilight recovered from her bath-salt induced drug trip, she finally stopped screaming, allowing everyone who’s eardrums weren’t bleeding to uncover their no-longer-virgin ears.

“Rainbow, what the fuck is wrong with you.” Twilight’s face was red as a beet from embarrassment, and possibly the lack of oxygen in space.

Rainbow just floated there on a cloud, not giving a single fuck, “Well, I came over here to tell you that Rarity just died and there’s a fat dude surrounded by segways.”

Twilight sighed, “I know Rainbow, I was right here the whole time.”

Rainbow looked puzzled, “Wait, so you're not weirded out by all this?”

“Rainbow, there’s a massive spaghetti poptart literally sitting there right outside, of course I’m weirded out!”

“Wait, spaghetti?” Rainbow looked back at the blackberry poptart, and sure enough, it was now composed of 100% Italian spaghetti. “Twilight...it was blackberry a second ago.”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “Rainbow, continuity is dead. It had a heart attack and died, probably because none of this shit make any sense whatsoever.”

“Twilight, why are you so...vulgar today? I mean, that’s my thing.” Rainbow looked as if she got stabbed by a knife with a bipod attached to it, “You can’t just be stealing my thunder like that.”

“Rainbow, I’m in no mood for a subplot right now. So let’s just go to Canterlot Palace and see if the Princesses are going to do anything despite the fact I sent them a letter a few paragraphs ago.”

“Uh...what?”
***

Paul had absolutely no idea where he was right now, but he just got a sweet kill on that marshmallow horse thing, surely he would be accepted into FaZe now!

Overused joke aside, Paul extended his right arm, and instantly a segway came into his grasp. He got on, and turned the key already in the ignition.

He let loose a warrior’s call, “DON’T PARP WITH MY TARTS!” and instantly every segway still scattered on the ground stood up straight, and on each one formed another him, albeit heavily distorted and looking like filthy casual memes.

In unison, the clones shouted “Let the games begin!” and sped off in a force of thousands to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting citizens of Equestria.

The one true Blart stood still as the mass of lardasses went on it’s merry way, and patriotic music played somewhere in the background. Blart looked towards the small town that his vessel landed near, and smiled.

“Prepare your anuses for the Electric Blartaloo, you pastel horse bitches.”

Author's Note

Yeah I know it's terrible, hush sweet children of the internet.