Practice Ventriloquism Responsibly
What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Spike thought as the delegates from Manehatten and Whinnyapolis were staring daggers at him, demanding the princess's decisive hoof. He gulped again under their gaze.
Cadance had made it perfectly clear that Twilight wasn't meant to be disturbed. She was counting on Spike to protect Twilight. He made a vow to not only a princess, but to Twilight's sister-in-law. They were his family, for Celestia's sake! He wasn't the type of dragon that went back on his word to family.
He already managed to quell a bird's singing, a pony polo game, the chopping down of trees, and the jackhammer ruckus. Partially, he wished that those original problems would come back and bail him out of this hot mess. With no such luck in sight, he needed a minute away from the disgruntled stares.
He sighed as he cracked the door open. "I'll see what I can do."
Gently, he closed the door behind him. He skittered across the room to a seat next to the canopy bed. Any other time, Twilight's sleeping posture would have looked adorable. But right now, all he could conjure for emotion was a combination of worry and second-guessing himself. He turned around, hoping to stall the inevitable disservice he was about to commit.
"Huh? Something need scheduling?"
A little filly had somehow crawled into Spike's mouth and screamed at the top of her lungs. Swallowing the imaginary filly and banishing her back to the hypothetical plane of existence, Spike turned around with a pained look on his face.
"Um, yeah..." He pointed a claw at the door. "There are two delegates here that need to give speeches that were booked for the same conference hall. What should I tell them?" He twiddled his claws, awaiting his master's response.
Twilight blinked slowly. "Okay, that's easy. You just put the hay in the apple and eat the candle." She finished with a roll of her hoof and a disturbing grin only her mother would love.
Spike shook his head furiously before looking straight at her. "What?"
But Twilight had already laid her head back and resumed her gentle snoring. Spike frantically rubbed both of his clawed hands against his scalp. Now what was he supposed to do? Twilight was so exhausted that her mind was looping around itself. Those delegates specifically said that they only had five minutes. It was way too much to ask them to wait forever. He quickly looked back and forth between the doors and his sleeping friend.
"I'm sorry, Cadance," he muttered. He yanked the blanket off the bed and hoisted up Twilight in his grasp. His muscles had been building up quite nicely ever since Applejack asked him to build that rock tower for Rainbow Dash. But that was neither here nor there.
The doors burst open as Spike set Twilight down in front of him. The arguing delegates quieted and turned their stares at the princess that they were looking for. Their smiles seemed to completely ignore the fact that her head was currently leaning back and was still emitting snores.
"Ah, Princess Twilight, glad you're here," said the stallion from Manehatten. "I'm sure you already the details, and understand the importance of my speech. Right?"
"Oh no you don't, Buster," interrupted the mare from Whinnyapolis. "We will not be swaying the princess unfairly like that, especially since she's already made up her mind that my speech requires the hall more. Don't you know?"
Twilight leaned her head forward with her right eye one-quarter of the way open. "The water... is in the grass and... Cheese Sandwich."
With that, her head limped forward as her mane just barely hid her closed eyes. The stallion blinked. The mare blinked. Spike smacked his right hand against his head and groaned to himself.
"What in grease name is that supposed to mean?" asked the Manehatten delegate.
"It was a... a... secret princess to assistant code!" Spike blurted out, immediately hiding his poor choice of words behind a forced smile.
"A secret what by golly?" The Whinnyapolis delegate tilted her head.
"It's... um... it's something that Princess Twilight uses when she wants me to be her voice in important princess-y matters." Spike chuckled nervously. Was it getting hot out here? He was fairly certain that he never used to sweat this much.
"Well, don't hold us in suspense, dragon!" barked the Manehatten delegate. "What did she say?"
"Um... right... so..." The little guy alternated between scratching his spine and scratching his chin as he desperately searched for a meaning that wasn't really there. "Let's see cheese is from... and grass is partially composed of... and water starts with a 'W'..." The small light above the castle bedroom lit up as Spike pointed a claw upward. "The princess is saying that Whinnyapolis can have their speech first but, it has to be cut down to half the time to allow Manehatten to have the hall immediately after."
Both of the delegates stared at the dragon. Spike's wide eyes showed his shrinking irises. Had he said something wrong? Were they going to yell about how that didn't sound remotely feasible? Half the time for an important speech, what was he thinking? Worst of all, he might have just dragged Twilight's good name down with his lie.
"You know now that I think about it, there are a few notes I could skim over for the gist of my points." The Whinnyapolis delegate rubbed her chin.
"And I guess I could cut to the chase rather than starting out with Manehatten's entire architectural history," admitted the other delegate.
"By golly, this just might work after all!" She smiled.
"Yeah!" He smirked and turned his head. "Tell the princess we said thanks."
The mare was already trotting down the stairs. The stallion soon followed by going a couple of big steps at a time. Spike was having trouble finding anything to say other than a few unintelligible throat sounds. What had just happened?
"What just happened?" he asked his thought out loud.
"Oh, forget you, Applejack," mumbled Twilight without batting a sleep-deprived eye. "I can drink... all the... peaches."
Spike still couldn't fathom which neurons were working properly inside that pony's head and which ones were still on the fritz. However, it seemed like the immediate drama had been resolved. He may not have kept her in bed, but she was still asleep, and she didn't look too terribly disturbed by the delegates that had just asked for her attention. Maybe he was doing a great job protecting her. Such thoughts gave Spike a reason to smile proudly.
"I think it's time for a lunch break." He pulled out several rubies and crunched them down.
After swallowing his tasty gems, he started dragging Twilight back into the room for her well-deserved rest. Idly, Spike's head turned toward the bulletin board. As expected Twilight had already pre-made a checklist for the rest of things she had to get done that day before the Princess Summit's reception. But as he scanned the first item, his eyes opened wide.
"Oh, no!" He ran over and grabbed the list. He saw that the first meeting was a noon tea meeting with somepony regarding the gemstone statue. He looked over at the clock and saw that it was five 'til. There was no way in Tartarus that Twilight would be rested enough for that important of a meeting in five minutes.
"This has to be done right now!" He cringed as he turned and saw a twisting and squirming, sleepy Twilight. He lowered his voice and whispered to himself, "This has to be done right now! Oh, where's Princess Celestia when you need her?"
Meanwhile in Canterlot's West market...
"Take that you undead scum!" Celestia's battleaxe chopped through several zombie ponies at once.
"Where's Princess Luna?"
Meanwhile in Canterlot East's mansion district...
"Foolish bear-bug! You were not so fortunate to attack the day we were here!" Luna pointed her magic blade at a horrifying creature composed of a giant wasp's head and legs, and a bear's hindquarters. It buzzed in defiance.
"Oh, they're probably having fun at a spa somewhere," muttered Spike. "They deserve the break after all the centuries of dealing with who knows what." Still, acknowledging their efforts didn't do much good for how he felt about his charge's current predicament.
"Well, here's to hoping you can power-nap on the go."
The dragon reluctantly yanked Twilight in his arms. He held her up above his head even as he raced all the way down the stairs. She didn't seem to mind, though, and kept on snoring even as she was shaken up and down with each of the dragon's steps. As he passed the crossroads, Spike caught sight of the construction pony in his peripheral vision.
"Hey, can I start working on the ma-"
"Standing orders of silence from the princess!" shouted Spike as he kept running.
He didn't notice the growing cracks in the pipeline and how many droplets were starting to leak out. All he knew was that the cafe he needed to go to was on the next right. Spike's feet slid across the dirt floor. Twilight's tilted head snored once before being pulled along with the rest of her. Seeing the only pony at a table by herself, Spike tossed Twilight into the seat across from her and breathed heavily for a couple of seconds.
"Are you... here to... meet... the princess... right about now?" The words were working so hard around Spike catching his breath.
"Um, yuppers," said the mouth underneath the red frames. The pony looked across from her. "Oh, Princess, I'm so glad you're here. We can start the prep work Citizens of Equestria statue and its numerous gemstones." She pulled out what looked like a fully-colored schematic of the statue and its individual parts. "Are you set for this?"
Twilight's eyes barely opened, and what could be seen of them was a rather bleary sight. "Mm-hm. Two soaps, please. Naughty swearing skunks have to scrub their tongues with aerobics." She ended up banging her head face-down against the table.
"I'm sorry. What was that?" asked the delegate pony.
"Um, it's the... secret Princess to assistant code," said Spike lifting his index claw. "She said... uh... she said, 'Go right ahead and tell me all about it while my assistant here jots down everything'." He pulled out a quill and notepad to emphasize his point. He smiled nervously, sweating almost as much as he had with the economics' speech delegates.
The other pony looked down in uncertainty, but eventually shrugged it off as the weirdness of Ponyville locals. "Okay, let's start with the topaz."
"Oh, and don't forget the emerald from Gryphon Chamber. That's essential."
By the time Spike hurriedly scratched down the last of the gemstones necessary for the statue to come together, his quill was emitting smoke. Scratch that. The friction was actually enough to set the whole feather on fire and burn it to nothing more than a stick's worth of ashes. He set the notepad away before attempting to massage his wrist with his opposite hand. He was not looking forward to the claw cramp that was sure to come tomorrow morning.
"Do you want that all one more time?" asked the delegate pony.
"No!" exclaimed Spike, before flinching at his own volume. "I mean, no. I think the princess has it all down pat." He turned to his charge. "Right, Twilight?"
Twilight turned her head on the table so that her face was visible. "Those twenty bits are for you, unicorn."
"That means she agrees!" Spike picked her up. "The princess appreciates your time and effort." He ran with his friend above his head.
"Um, sure... no problem." The delegate watched them leave, wondering whether it would have been better to include superglue into the final plans. But she wasn't too familiar with the stuff. Her department was the various gemstones, not proper pasting.
Spike wasn't sure how long he had until the next early afternoon appointment. However, the sun's position gave a pretty rough idea that Twilight was going to be late if she didn't show up soon. He knew how much she hated tardiness, more so when it was her own late times in question. He ran by that crossroad again.
"Hey, can I get back to work on-"
"Not yet!" Spike yelled over his shoulder... before promptly bumping into the next pony Twilight was expected to see.
The dragon fell on his rump and rubbed his head. He groaned before opening his eyes and gasping. Twilight was falling while still curled up in a sleeping pose. Thankfully, she landed right on the back of a tall, slender unicorn standing next to the pony Spike had just run into.
"Ah, I'm glad we found each other, Princess Twilight," said Fancy Pants with a satisfied nod. "As the host city of this particular summit, the delegates of Canterlot request that we have early access to every event and speech being held here. What do you say?"
Still resting on top of the slender unicorn, Twilight turned her head ever so slightly. "Eh heh heh... cuddle the pretty mare." She then promptly hugged the mare's mane.
"Um... I... uh..." Fleur's cheek grew a fine shade of pink.
"Hmm, yes, I suppose I should do more of that," muttered Fancy Pants before clearing his throat. "But about those special privileges..."
"Oh, she did... uh... talk of them," interjected Spike. "She's using princess to assistant code and she said... um... 'To ensure that all of the cities can show themselves as supportive of each other, it'll be Canterlot's honor to... wait like everypony else'." A yawn from his mouth interrupted his nervous chuckle.
"Oh, so I see," said Fancy Pants rather disappointed, though he hid it well behind a cool smile. "Though, it was worth a try, wasn't it old chap?"
"Now if you'll excuse Her Majesty..." Spike tried to pick up Twilight again. However, something seemed stuck. He tried pulling harder. "She... urgh... has... hurgh... other important... mmph... matters." Finally, Spike managed to yank Twilight free from whatever she was grabbing... well, mostly.
"Aaaah! I've got split ends!" shrieked Fleur. Her eyes watered as she looked earnestly at her mane she had kept in such good condition up until this point.
Fancy Pants took her hoof in his and gently patted it. "There, there, lovely Fleur. I'm sure it will grow back."
"Oh, sweetie." Fleur leaned her face against his neck and bawled.
"Sorry!" Spike called back as he hurried along to the next meeting place.
The rest of the afternoon's important princess meetings seemed to pass by like a blur. It almost felt to Spike like he was constantly trying to keep up with somepony in the hills named "Benny" and constantly yakking with a saxophone. He wasn't entirely sure where his mind conjured the analogy. Maybe Twilight's half-asleep brain had said it at one point. He couldn't remember for sure.
In any case, he was just glad to finally have a little time left to carry Twilight back to the spare room. However, just as he told the repair pony to hold off for the fourth time that day, someone else had to voice their concerns.
"Spike, what's going on?" Princess Cadance fluttered down to the ground in front of him. "And... why are you carrying Twilight like that?"
"When in doubt, let them quiche with their legs between their tailors," mumbled the sleeping Twilight.
Princess Cadance blinked and shook her head gently before looking back down at Spike. "Didn't I ask you to make sure she wasn't disturbed?"
Spike sighed. "I'm sorry... I just... speech delegates and... jackhammers and... deadlines..." He groaned. "So many deadlines."
Cadance gently smiled. "I see you've gotten a taste of the responsibilities of being a princess today."
"Yeah..." Spike set Twilight down as gently as possible, and looked to the side. "It's kind of funny. Earlier today, I was a bit jealous of the attention and respect that all of the princesses were getting at the opening speech. I started to think that life would be a lot better if I was a princess. But now, I can see that you guys don't exactly have it stress free. If I were a pony, this is probably the point where I'd be pulling out my mane."
"Your mane?" murmured Cadance. In an instant she gasped. "The main!"
Somehow, a polo ball had started a domino effect against the loose Dragon Sneeze trees. The last one toppled right on top of the broken water pipe. That was the last pressure the water needed to gush out like a fire hose. Eyes went wide as Cadance and Spike rushed over to the damage. Cadance's horn lit up as she projected her will forth into a spell. Several crystals grew out and around the broken pipe, forcing what hadn't already escaped to follow its previously built path.
"That's going to require a more thorough fix first thing tomorrow," she said as she looked up.
Spike turned his head and sneezed, conveniently burning the last toppled tree into a burning log. "Where do you think that water went?"
"Well, judging by the trajectory and starting velocity, it would have had to have made it all the way to the castle's main hall."
Spike and Cadance opened their eyes wide and turned to see the familiar speaker. They could have sworn that they saw some faint and scattered purple lines behind said speaker.
"Twilight, when did you wake up?" wondered Spike.
"Right when I heard a burst of activity," said Twilight, stretching out a wing and a thigh. "But I don't understand. Why wasn't the main properly fixed?"
Her number one assistant scratched the back of his head. "Uh... yeah... about that... I kind of asked him to stop his loud work so that you wouldn't be disturbed."
Twilight sighed. "Spike, I appreciate you being considerate of my needs, but I think I could have dealt with a little sleepiness if it meant that the rest of the city's safety was preserved."
"Okay," Spike said quietly with a nod.
"Anyway, the damage is already done," commented Twilight. "We should go see what needs cleaning up."
Spike hopped onto Twilight's back as both of the princesses present flew to the main castle.
The open window for the place was dripping. A couple of the larger banners were completely soaked and barely hanging in place by threads. Overall, the hall looked pretty good in consideration of its recent flash flood. There was, however, the scattered remains of a certain statue that the princesses gasped at.
"Oh no!" exclaimed Cadance. "I can't present the statue in this state."
"I was supposed to get prepped on all of the gemstones," mentioned Twilight, "but I never made it to the meeting."
"Um, technically you did..." Spike pulled out his notepad and looked it over. He wandered over and picked up a few of the gems. "Don't worry. I've got it."
"Huh?" Twilight stared at her loyal dragon in confusion.
"It's a long story." Spike stood in one place near the largest pile of the statues remains. "Let's see, topaz goes first."
Several minutes of careful arrangement later...
"You... carried me all around Canterlot and I slept right through the whole trip?" Twilight held her mouth and eyes open.
"Well... not all of it." Spike panted as he put Gryphon Chamber's emerald in a crucial spot. "You did throw in your opinion every once in a while, but it was kind of muddled by your mixed up thoughts."
"I... wow..." Twilight stood still for a while. The silence was only broken by the last few gems that Spike climbed up to put in place. "I didn't realize you would be up for taking on so much responsibility just for me."
Spike chuckled as he climbed down. "No offense, but I think I'd better leave that kind of life to the actual princesses."
"You did a great job with that statue, Spike," commented Cadance. "I can't even tell that it was broken to begin with."
The door to the main hall cracked open as several ponies gathered at the entrance. Fancy Pants was at the front. "Ah, Princess Twilight. There you are." He trotted up to her. "Some of the delegation has been rather curious. Do you think that perhaps you could provide your insight into your 'princess to assistant secret code'?"
"Huh?" Twilight turned to look at Spike. "What in Equestria is he talking about?"
"Oh, no problem." Spike's head was wobbling side to side. "Just stuff the daffodil into the tangerine and eat the oil lamp."
Twilight rapidly shook her head before squinting at him. "What?"
The bold and honorable hero promptly fell onto his back and snored. With a raised eyebrow of confusion, Twilight took a few seconds to stare into empty space.
Author's Note
Cue the fade out.
This has been a slightly different take on the episode "Princess Spike".
