Life of the Dead

Sam was not happy.

First off, no one was doing what they were supposed to be doing. Second, everyone was staring at him like he was some kind of alien from space. Third, he was dead now, just a zombie. That last one was kind of a big deal.

But the worst thing about it all was that the skies were not clear yet.

They were supposed to be cloud-free, but they still had like fifty clouds in them. Although Sam knew that a certain somepony could clear it all in literally ten seconds, he wasn’t very happy about it at all.

“Hmm…” Spike pondered, looking up at the cloudy sky. “There’s supposed to be a pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the clouds.”

Sam looked up at the clouds and frowned. “Well, she’s not doing a very good job, is she?” he asked loudly.

Suddenly, he was knocked into a muddy puddle by just the pony they were both referring to. Rainbow Dash looked down at Sam from on top of him and chuckled loudly.

“Uh, ‘scuse me?” she joked. She flapped up above him. “Lemme help you!”

She dashed away, pun intended, and returned completely dirt free with a raincloud to put above Sam’s head. She bounced up and down on it a few times, letting all the water in it pour out and onto him. When he was completely soaked, he glared up at her, but she just looked over the edge of the cloud innocently and sniggered again.

“Oops, I guess I overdid it,” she said. She tapped her chin in thought. “Um… Uh… How about this?” She started flying around Sam super quick, making a rainbow-y blur around him. “My very own patented rain-blow dry!” When she had finished, she flew away from him to land. “No no, don’t thank me! You’re quite welcome!”

Sam looked up at his relatively unchanged hair, which didn’t look at all like what it was supposed to. What it was supposed to look like was a big puffy bundle of fuzz, but it just looked normal for him. His hair was too short to get too messy, you see.

“Not a bad job, if I do say so myself,” Rainbow commented, looking at her hoof proudly.

“No, you’re doing it wrong!” Sam yelled. “You’re supposed to be laughing at how dumb I look from your rain-blow dry!”

“You look stupid already. Has that hole in your face always been there?”

“Gee thanks. At least my hair doesn’t show that I enjoy company with the same gender.”

“Whoa! Not cool! That is some major discrimination against rainbow ponies!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” He crossed his arms and frowned. “Let me guess. You’re Rainbow Dash?”

“The one and only!” she said proudly, taking up an arrogant pose of arrogance. “Why, you heard of me?”

“I heard you were supposed to be keeping the sky clear,” Sam said, sighing as he looked up at the definitely not cleared sky. “I’m Sa- Twilight Sparkle, and the Princess sent me to check on the weather.”

“Why’d you hesitate?” Rainbow asked. Spike hurried over to her to whisper something. When he was done, Rainbow’s jaw dropped. “Aw, that is cool! So you actually ate her? As in really chomped her flesh down and digested it all?”

“For god’s sake, Spike, stop telling ponies.”

“Sorry, Twilight,” Spike said with an innocent shrug.

“So why’d you become Twilight Sparkle?” asked Rainbow Dash. “I get that some ponies have identity problems and identify with stuff that they aren’t, but you’re not even a pony. Twilight was a pony though. You can’t be Twilight Sparkle if you’re not a pony.”

“Wow, you explain stuff fast, Spike,” said Sam. “But there’s no need to be so judgemental about ponies that aren’t actually ponies, Rainbow Dash! I can be Twilight if I wanna be Twilight! Now get back to the script! Say what you were gonna say if I hadn’t accidentally hesitated!”

“I forgot what we were talking about,” she replied. “I was distracted by you being a zombie or something.”

“For crying out loud, am I the only one who knows what you guys are supposed to say?!”

“How do you already know what I’m going to say? I could say something completely random that you would never guess!”

“Well, I wouldn’t know what that would be, but I know what you’re supposed to say.”

“Then what am I supposed to say?”

“You’re supposed to say ‘Yeah yeah. That’ll be a snap. I’ll do it in a jiffy. Just as soon as I’m done practicing.’ And then I’ll say ‘Practicing for what?’ and then you exclaim ‘The Wonderbolts!’”

“That actually does sound like me. Did you know they’re gonna perform at the Celebration tomorrow? And I’m gonna show ‘em my stuff!”

“Now you’re getting it.” He cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow like he knew something she didn’t. “The Wonderbolts?”

“Yep!” Rainbow exclaimed happily.

“The most talented flyers in all of Equestria?”

“That’s them!”

“Pfft! Please,” Sam scoffed. “They’d never accept a pegasus who can’t even keep the sky clear for one measly day.”

“Wow, if that’s what I was supposed to say and what you were supposed to say, was it really necessary to go to all that length just to put me down about how I do my job?”

“Shut up and clear the sky in ten seconds flat!”

“Fine!” she yelled before shooting around and kicking the clouds to nothing. After literally ten seconds on the dot, she was finished. “There! Happy now?”

He nodded. “A little.” His expression turned back to sternness. “Now tell me that I’m a laugh and that you can’t wait to hang out with me some more.”

“That would be kinda true because you’re a zombie and zombies are awesome, but now that you’ve said it, I’m not going to.”

“Fine. Be that way. I gotta go see Rarity now anyway.”

“Oh yeah, she’s doing the decorations. I guess I’ll catch you later then.”

“Come on, Spike!” Sam yelled, marching in off in the direction of where Rarity was doing her thing. “We’ve got a pony to meet and for you to get a crush on!”

“What?” Spike asked blankly, hurrying after him.

“I like that zombie guy,” said Rainbow Dash to absolutely no one at all. “He’s kind of a jerk, but I like ‘em. He’s cool.”

He didn’t reply because he was already gone and she just looked like a crazy pony now. But no one was around so she’d get away with it this one time.

Meanwhile, Sam and Spike were already at where they needed to go. They walked fast, okay? Spike did a little check of his checklist and looked up at the neat decorations.

“Decorations!” he said, checking the thing off his list. He looked up again. “Beauuutiful…”

“Yes yes, décor looks nice, blah blah blah, something something beautiful,” Sam replied. No one else was following the script, so why should he? He didn’t like this part that much anyway. “Now notice Rarity’s beauty.”

“Yeah… She is beautiful…” Spike droned like a lovesick thing. His pupils even turned into hearts somehow.

“You don’t even know who I’m talking about yet.”

Meanwhile, Rarity was looking through some ribbons and criticising them critically. “No,” she said, throwing a ribbon away. “No…” Another one gone. “No.” Yet another. “Oh, goodness no!”

Spike’s heart eyes were actually beating now because that was how biology worked apparently. He quickly checked himself over and made some minor adjustments to his appearance. Now there were hearts floating up off of his body.

“How are my spines?” he asked, checking his tail. “Are they straight?”

“You like fine, Romeo,” Sam said dully, patting Spike’s head and messing up his straight spines. He approached Rarity with a sense of boredom. “Good afternoon.”

“Just a moment, please!” Rarity replied rudely, examining the same ribbons again. “I’m ‘in the zone’, as it were!” She tied a sparkly ribbon to a pole. “Oh, yes! Sparkle always does the trick, does it not? Why, Rarity, you are a talent!” She turned to face Sam and Spike. “Now, how can I help yo- Oh my stars, what happened to your face?”

“Hi, I’m Sam, the zombie,” Sam explained. He blinked as he realised what he had just said. “No, wait! I’m Twilight Sparkle! Now make a fuss out of how bad my hair looks and give me a makeover like fifty times before I escape!”

“I’m sorry, did you say ‘zombie’?” Rarity asked, tilting her head confusedly. “Because I’m not even sure you’re supposed to exist. Are you making a joke? Because I don’t get it.”

“Yeah, didn’t expect you to…” Sam muttered. “But yes, I am a zombie. I ate someone earlier and now I am them.”

“That’s… a very serious thing. Do I need to call someone?”

“Nah. I’m nice.”

“Well, I still think it’s best to call someone to, ah, take care of you. You might be dangerous, after all.”

“I just said I’m nice! Seriously, are you as bad at listening as everyone else is at following the script?”

“Are we doing a performance?” She blinked and gasped excitedly. “Ooh, I love performances! Is it a tragedy? Comedy? Can I be a part in it? I promise I’ll give you my best acting!”

“Okay, decorations are in order. Let’s go, Spike. We got music to check on and then scare away.”

“Wait! There’s still so much to talk about!” Rarity yelled after him as he walked out dejectedly. “You can’t be leaving already, can you?”

“You’re boring anyway!” Sam replied angrily, kicking open the door out. “I said come on, Spike! You can fantasize about her later!”

“I wasn’t…!” Spike yelled. He looked up at Rarity guiltily and smiled weakly. “Uh, s-sorry, Miss.”

“Please, call me Rarity,” Rarity replied sweetly, batting her eyelashes at him.

Such a tease.

“Uh, bye,” Spike said quickly before hurrying after Sam.

All Rarity could think of now was what the heck had just happened and why there was now a zombie wandering around being a lady pony when they were clearly a guy.

Everyone knew Twilight Sparkle was a mare’s name. That was just common sense and the segregated world of names they lived in.

-=-=-=-=-

Spike was wandering along beside Sam dazedly now. Sam would occasionally glare at him angrily for some reason, but never said anything about it.

“Wasn’t she wonderful?” Spike sighed, still in his besotted trance.

“You’re getting good at this,” Sam replied, nodding in agreement. “Now focus, Casanova. What’s next on the list?”

“Oh!” Spike cleared his throat and lifted his list up to read again. “Music! It’s the last one!”

Then there was a sound of a group of birds singing in unison in the distance, making the two of them stop in their tracks. Suddenly, they were in a bush. They poked their heads out of it to see Fluttershy composing an orchestra of birds like a pair of stalkers. One of those birds seemed to be out of tune with the rest of them, so Fluttershy spoke up about it.

“Oh my,” she said quietly like a shy thing. “Um, please stop everyone.” She flew up to that one bird that couldn’t sing properly. “Excuse me, sir. I mean no offence, but your rhythm is a teeny tiny bit off.” She flapped away to be a composer again. “Now, follow me, please! A one, a two, a one, two three!”

“HELLO!” Sam shouted way too loudly, scaring all the birds away. “Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to scare your birds. I’m Twilight Sparkle and I’m here to check on the music. Sounds pretty good.”

Fluttershy flapped down to land in front of him and anxiously kicked at the floor. Way to make everyone feel awkward, Fluttershy. Sam smiled stupidly and glanced around because he was feeling awkward.

“I’ll say it again,” he said. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, the zombie. What’s your name? I already know it but this is just part of the script.”

“Um… I’m… Fluttershy…” she mumbled.

“Sorry, what was that?” he asked.

“Um… my name is… Fluttershy…” she whispered.

“Didn’t quite catch that.”

She just squeaked it this time.

“Oh hey, your birds are back.” They were! “Well, looks like music’s in order, so keep up the good work!”

She squeaked again. God, she was so squeaky.

Spike stepped out of the bushes beside Sam, making Sam remember the rest of the script. He turned back to Fluttershy and pointed down at him.

“Oh yeah, I have a baby dragon.”

She gasped loudly. “A baby dragon!” she squealed. She charged towards Spike and knocked Sam out of the way rudely. “I’ve never seen a baby dragon before! He’s so cute!”

Spike put his claws on his hips and a smug grin on his face as he looked over at Sam. “Well well well!” he said smugly.

“I never said you weren’t cute, Spike,” Sam replied, standing back up again. “You can be cute if you want.”

“He talks!” Fluttershy exclaimed happily. “I didn’t know dragons could talk!”

“That’s a very discriminatory statement you have there, Fluttershy,” Sam said bluntly. “Hope you plan on making up for it.”

Fluttershy didn’t seem to be listening to him. “That’s so incredibly wonderful!” she said. “I just don’t even know what to say!”

“Well in that case, see you at the party later.”

“Wait, what’s his name?”

“Ask him. He can speak, after all.”

“I’m Spike!” said Spike as Sam grabbed him by the claw and started dragging him away.

“Oh, hi Spike!” Fluttershy greeted. “I’m Fluttershy!”

“If all it took was being a baby dragon to get you to talk, Spike’s gonna be around here for a while!” Sam exclaimed irritably.

“Wow, a talking dragon,” Fluttershy continued like Sam hadn’t even said anything.

“That’s still racist!”

“And what do dragons talk about?”

“Are you even listening to me?!”

“Well, what do you wanna know?” asked Spike, ignoring Sam too.

“Absolutely everything!” Fluttershy replied excitedly.

And so Spike began the story of his entire life up to today and Sam was completely ignored. No one cares about Sam. As convenience would have it, Spike’s story ended just as they got to the library where Twilight should have been living, but it was Sam’s house now.

“Wow, looks like we got here!” Sam exclaimed. “Sorry, I’m living here while I stay in Ponyville and my poor baby dragon needs his sleep.” He kicked Spike in the side to knock him over. “Aww, look at how sleepy he is! He can’t even stand up!”

“Poor thing,” Fluttershy commented, swooping down to scoop Spike up and cradle him in her hooves. “You simply must get into bed!”

And then she started carrying him into the library like she was his mother or something. That’s just rude.

“I can get him into bed myself, Fluttershy!” Sam yelled, grabbing her by the tail and pulling her back out. “God, he’s not your freaking baby or something! Goodnight!”

Sam grabbed Spike, jumped into the library and slammed the door shut behind him. He dropped Spike and fumbled around in the darkness for something to light up the completely pitch black room.

“Rude much?” Spike asked.

“Shut up, Spike!” Sam yelled. “I’m busy trying to convince Princess Celestia that Nightmare Moon is gonna come back tomorrow! Hear that, party ponies? Nightmare Moon is coming back and I get to say ‘I told you so’ tomorrow!”

“Party ponies? What do you mean?”

“It’s not a surprise party if I know it’s gonna happen, guys! Now get out of my house so I can sleep!”

The lights flicked on suddenly and there was a bunch of ponies just stood there with some party decorations up. They looked upset now, but that’s because Twilight Sparkle was no fun in the beginning and this was what should have happened.

“Don’t you want a party?” Pinkie Pie asked sadly.

“I’m a zombie! I’ll eat your face!” Sam exclaimed with a fearsome pose of zombie-ness.

That kinda got ‘em going. Most of them hurried over to the door and escaped while they still could. When most of them were gone, Sam looked around and put his hands on his hips. There was only two ponies left now; Pinkie Pie the party guy and the greatest animation error of all time.

Derpy freaking Hooves.

“Pinkie Pie, I know what you’re going to say, even though I really don’t, but now is not the time for parties,” Sam explained. He looked over at Derpy. “And Derpy, you’re awesome and everything, but you need to go eat a muffin now because I need sleep. I died today.”

“But it was gonna be so much fun!” Pinkie whined. “Can’t we just have a little party?”

“Maybe when we kill Nightmare Moon and bring Luna back. But not now. Out, please.”

“Okay…” Pinkie said sadly.

She followed Derpy to the door dejectedly. She gave Sam one last look of miserableness to make him feel bad before leaving the library. When she was gone, the door magically shut behind her and Sam sighed in relief.

“Phew,” he breathed, nodding appreciatively. “That’s what Twilight should’ve done. I mean, what I should have done.”

“I think I’ll go have that emotional turmoil now,” said Spike, wandering up the stairs to the bedroom. “Goodnight, Twilight. See you tomorrow.”

Sam followed him up the stairs shortly after he’d gone. He tucked himself into the bed and got all cosy so he could sleep when he remembered that he was still in his people clothes. Then he realised that he was a zombie and zombies don’t need to change their clothes.

And then he realised that Spike’s emotional turmoil was very loud, so he did not sleep at all that night which is what would’ve happened if he’d let the party go on anyway. He just got to feel bad about being a party pooper now as well.