The Wanderings of a Dumb ass Caboose Cos player
"Hi, my name is Mark, and so far I've been teleported to this fucked up universe where there ARE FUCKING , GOD DAMN, TALKING PONIES !!!"
"HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?!?!"
"Well I guess I should start from the beginning, "
----------------------May 18, 2015-----------------------
It was a normal morning, normal everything, that was the first thing wrong, because my whole life has been strange, fucked up, or both.
No today was normal, except for one of my friends called a couple days back and asked me to participate in a cosplay of red vs blue, that I forgot about, (which I mentally face palmed when I remembered about it) I Was asked to play as caboose, my favorite character. So how can I refuse the opportunity of playing as one of my favorite characters.
So I got all ready and headed off for the place I was supposed to meet them all at.
---------At the Party at the end of the Cos Play--------
So the night was uneventful except for when I got drunk off my ass and I fell on the ground, with some wizard of oz shit with the room spinning, like when dorthy was in the camper but I just thought I was just passing out, so I just went and flipped everyone off and said"fuck off, goodnight ,and gazoon tight, ........assholes." Because I was that drunk.
--------The Morning-------
When I woke up the scenery was different, like I wasn't anywhere close to a heavily populated area, no yelling, no car horns honking, no, nothin, none of that.
So I got up at this point and my costume felt off, it just felt strange like I was able to lift like, half a ton, and I felt like I could run a mile Marathon without breaking a sweat, Ok well call me paranoid but it felt strange and we'll leave it at that.
Well by now I noticed I was leaning on a tree in a ,what looked like a forest and I was curious as to how I got here but that was secondary because I felt a hangover coming on so I sought out civilization (and more importantly, pain pills) to relieve this killer hangover about to come on, so I picked up my now heavier assault rifle so I can go on my way to seek out civilization.
-------hour latter------
So I think it's been an hour or so so I thought that I was far away from civilization when I caught sight of a town with, thatched roofs? What?
Wait what? that's more of a village than a town.
So I sped my pace up until I saw the townspeople, so I was about to go talk to them when it hit me that they were fucking ponies.
FUCKING PONIES !!!!!
"What the fuck is this ?!?!!" I yelled catching the attention of a couple of the resident ponies.
And at that point they started running and screaming "Monster!!!" So I did the same as any other sane person,in my situation.
Run like hell.
But right as I started my sprint I was tackled by two ponies, I wasn't able to see who, but when I hit the ground I said.
"What the hell is this?!!?"
This caught the attention of what looked like a lavender pony with ..... what is that? Ah....A Horn. And about the same time I noticed I was surrounded in a purple arua which I yelled.
"What's happening? Where the fuck am I."
This was the time where I was knocked out.
-------- Alternate Pov -------
"Hey twilight, what the hay is this thing?" Said rainbow.
"I honestly don't know?" I said.
"Well help me take it to the library, I want to ask it some questions." I asked.
------ Marks Pov ------
When I awoke I saw that I was tied up, to what looks like a small chair, which seems in poor shape.
At that point a voice knocked me out of my thoughts.
When I saw who said that I fell backwards, which isn't comfortable in this costume, and there was a loud.
**THUD**
With the sound of me swearing, which startled the pony in front of me, which now I had noticed there were two other ponies in the room, a cyan pony with a rainbow main and tail, but what really caught my attention was the wings on her back, ( which I think it's a female with the lack of male distinctions ) And the other pony was a butterscotch orange with a blonde Maine and tail with, a cowboy hat?, and it didn't seem like it had wings or a horn so I would guess that it was a normal pony.
At the middle of my thoughts the lavender unicorn, or I think that's what it was, if I got my mythology right.
The lavender unicorn had asked "what I was?"
"I have to ask what the hell are you first?" I asked
"Hello my name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is rainbow dash and applejack, what's your name?" She responded.
"Um, my name is mark" I replied.
"What are you?" Asked rainbow dash.
With a tomboyish tone to her voice.
"I'm a human." I responded.
"What's a human?" Asked twilight.
"A homo sapien to be more scientific about it." I responded.
"Why are you hear and how did you get here?" Twilight responded.
"I don't know? to answer both your questions at once. oh and can you untie me it's really uncomfortable like this." I asked.
"Oh yeah sorry about that."
Twilight replied.
And at that there was a purple aura around me and the ropes were off.
Then I stood up, hearing the satisfying sound of my back popping, while the ponies cringe at my strange liking to popping my bones.
When the ponies saw at what I stood at, they took a step back, cause when I'm standing up I'm 5'11 without the costume, but with the costume it added another half a foot to my height so I was 6'5 so that's pretty big, and with that I just remembered that I had a headache which came back screaming bloody murder, which caused me to lean over clutching my head, and that caught them by surprise and curiosity at seeing the strange thing on my back.
"What's that on your back?" Asked twilight.
"Well that is a model of an assault rifle from a video game, or I should say simulation." I replied.
"Oh" twilight responded.
"Yeah, do you have any painkillers around?" I asked.
"No why, are you hurt?" Twilight asked concerned.
"Well yes and no, last night I was with some friends having fun getting drunk, and now I have a headache from drinking to much" I replied.
"Well sorry but I do have a spell that will relive you of your pain"twilight answered.
"I guess that would work? Just get rid of this fuck'in headache, it's killin me!"
At that they reeled back and gasped.
" it's a figure of speech, it's not literal. " I said.
"Oh good, thought that we were gonna have to take you to the hospital for a moment there"
One of them said, I wasn't sure which one at that point But ah well, let's get back to the story.
"So twilight is it?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Right, so are you gonna use that spell or what?" I asked waiting for the, well I don't know where I am but this places equivalent of a pain killer.
"Right, sorry" twilight responded.
"Does that help with your headache, or not?" Asked Twilight after she cast the fuckin spell.
"Yeah it does, thanks." I responded felling much better.
At that point I realized that I'm gonna need a place to stay.
"So, You got a place for me to stay or do I have to stay in the streets?" I asked with curiosity.
"You can stay at ma'h farm, but ya'll are gonna have ta' work ta' stay" applejack I think it was responded.
"Ya get what I'm say'in, no free loaders"applejack responded.
"Fine with me." I responded getting the mental picture of me napping on the job, then getting my ass kicked and fired for sleeping on the job.
"I don't see anything wrong with it" responded Twilight, having no concern in the situation.
"Then it's settled, I'm staying with Applejack." I replied.
"Did I say your name right?"I asked getting curious if I did, or the possibility of getting my face slapped.
"Yur right" applejack responded, while I was thanking God for getting it right.
"Well, when are we gonna head off?" I asked sounding curious.
"Well, as soon as the rest of my friends get here." Responded Twilight, while I had that "great there's more of you to meet." Thought in my head.
"Wait what?"I responded
"HI!!!" Exclaimed an unknown high pitched voice, or U.H.P.V. For short.
"GHAAA, don't do that, whoever you are, you almost gave me a heart attack" I replied about ready to shit my pants.
"Oh sorry mark, oh and I know you don't want a party right now, so I'll give you this." Replied the U.H.P.V. witch is really pink, and I mean REALLY pink.
After she scared the living shit out of me and almost giving me a heart attack at the same time, she gave me what looked like an A.I. Chip.
"How do you know my name? and is this what I think it is?" I asked getting creeped out by this, and with pure curiosity with the last part.
"You'll find out if you put it in." The U.H.P.V. responded. And that sounded really weird. Get it. If you didn't, you sir have been living under a huge ass rock.
"I can't, my armors fake." I responded dismissing the weird images in my head that go in the burn stack in my brain.
"Maybe it's not, you'll find out soon enough." The U.H.P.V. responded, sounding REALLY creepy again.
With that said I looked at applejack, Twilight, and, Rainbow dash I think it was, anyway they looked the same as I did, puzzled and confused.
So I thought, what could I lose and slid the small chip into my helmet, and man did it feel cold, it was like that damn als ice bucket challenge, it was that cold, like fucking God damn it cold.
But then my visor flared and I could see better, also in the bottom left of my visor a motion tracker showed up, and I saw two other blips rounding the corner.
In addition to the motion tracker and better vision my armor flared to life and a shield showed up which startled everybody except the U.H.P.V. which was bouncing in place, then I heard a feminine voice with a slight english accent which said "shields at full, 6 unidentified creatures non hostile, blur disabled."
"Ok, ok, who are you?" I asked in concern and confusion.
"I'm your personal A.I., Julie." Responded the kick ass A.I.
"Sweet, thanks uh, what's your name?" I asked the U.H.P.V.
"Itspinkiepie,imsogladtomeetyou,sowhatsitlikeonearth?,ohyouwannaparty?iknowyournotinthemoodrightnowbuthowboutlaterlikethursday,I'llplanitonthursdaykay,Kay" Responded the U.H.P.V.
"Gees take a breath, um Julie if its not a bother, would you translate that to understandable English." I asked my awesome new A.I.
"Sure she's saying that her name's pinkie pie, she's so glad to meet you, what it's like on earth?, if you wanna party?, she knows that not right now but on Thursday." Responded miss awesome.
"Thank you, and sure thats ok If it's on Thursday, oh I have one question will there be alcohol there?, please." I asked with pleading eyes, even though she can't see them through my fucking visor.
"Yeah there will be hard cider, maybe whiskey, vodka, and gin."Responded the U... Uh I mean pinkie.
"YES!, alcohol, and not that cheap knockoff soft stuff." I responded celebrating on the inside.
"So your a drinker?" Asked rainbow dash.
"Yes I'am, I come from a long line of drinkers, my ancestors were drinkers for fucks sake." I replied
"Sweet, bar buddies?" Asked rainbow dash.
"Sure" I replied.
"So can I leave now for AJ's?, is it ok if I call you AJ?" I asked Applejack.
"Sure, mah friends do." Replied AJ.
"No, you still need to meet Rarity and Fluttershy." Retaliated Twilight
And thanks to whatever evil bastard that cursed me had me meet a fruit loop, or I should say Rarity the fruit loop prissy little cunt, Well maybe if I play my cards right I might get new clothes for free or get a discount on them at least. Heh, heh, he.
Oh and I met a really shy pony witch that evil bastard that cursed me cursed her too, because her name was Fluttershy. Poor lass.
--------At AJ's family house-------
"Hey y'all, ah got a new farm hoof ta work In the orchards, ha'bout y'all come e'n meet'em." Shouted AJ to her family.
Well once I got acquainted with her family I asked if I could take a shower then I realized.
HOW AM I GOING TO GET THIS FUCKING ARMOR OFF.
So, I asked Julie and she took me step by step how to take the armor off and guess what, I found out when I took off the armor off my body was different, it looked like I got ripped. You know, like I got jacked up on steroids, but I wasn't. It looked awesome. But it looked like I had slight scars on my body, like surgical scars or stitch marks.
So after my gawk fest, I took a shower and went to bed, leaving my armor next to my bed and to be safe I hid my assault rifle so applebloom wouldn't get to it. Oh by the way that's AJ's little sister, and by the way she has an older brother and man, you can easily mistake him for being jacked up on steroids, funny thing is you've heard of the strong silent type?, right, well he sure fits that description well, he is one huge ass motherfucker that doesn't talk much.
But that was my first day in this fucked up land and where I've gotten so far in my new life.
When Mark finished typing on his iPad mini, which he keeps in a small pouch on his costume for when he needs.
When Mark put his iPad on the nightstand next to him Applejack said light out, and for all of them to get to sleep, because they all have a big day tomorrow.
Author's Note
Second fic, first draft, hope you guys enjoy it.
The Wanderings of a Dumb ass Caboose Cos player
Day 2 working on the farm
Day 2, Working on the Farm.
------- Morning -------
I was rudely interrupted of my glorious sleep by, giggling?
"Shhh, I think he's waking up." Was a hushed voice.
"Quick, hide."
"Mm, who's there?, show yourself." I asked.
"Hi Mark, mornin." Said Applebloom as she got out from the closet.
"Oh, Applenloom its you, and I know there's others in here."
I said looking around for at least one other person, or I should say pony.
But when I was finished asking the question, I heard muffled grumbles from in the bathroom and from under the bed.
When the other two, ( I think it was two, from the two places I heard grumbles from. ) ponies reviled themselves I was curious as to who they were, there was one unicorn, and a Pegasus that were the same size as Applebloom.
The Pegasus's coat is orange and her Maine is a real dark pink, it's almost purple,
The unicorn's coat is white and her Maine is a two-toned light pink and purple.
"Applebloom these some of you're friends?" I asked.
"Yeah, their mah friends, this is Scootaloo, and this is Sweetie belle, together we are."
"THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, YAY!! !!" They all chanted together, which I think I lost most of my hearing from.
"Well it's nice to meet you, I'm Mark." I said, trying to get the ringing out of my head.
"It's nice to meet you to mark." Replied both Scootaloo and Sweetie belle.
"Hey Applebloom, you up there?" Yelled Applejack from the bottom of the stairs.
"Yeah!!" Applebloom yelled back in response.
"Can you get Mark down for breakfast?" Asked AJ.
"K, we'll be down in a sec." Replied Applebloom.
"Well, I guess we should be heading down the stairs, don't ya think?" I asked the cutie mark crusaders.
"I agree." Replied Applebloom.
"Me too." Agreed Sweetie belle.
"Dido." Scootaloo said in agreement.
"Well, onward." I said while pointing my finger in the air as I said onward.
There was nothing special about breakfast except the amazing meal that was prepared.
Honestly it was the best breakfast I'd ever had.
I wonder what we're gonna do today? I mentally asked myself as I was heading to the fields after getting my armor on, cause it's the only thing I can work in, unless I want to get my only set of decent clothes tore up, maybe.
Hey, better be safe than sorry, and half nude.
I was maybe a third of the way through the field when I heard Applejack calling my name.
"Mark, hey Mark, get over here!!"
"K, I'm comin, I'm comin." I replied while speaking my pace in the direction of her call.
When I got there I saw her bucking trees, bucking trees? Well I guess it makes sense if you only have hooves instead of hands.
"Well what are you wanting me to do?" I asked AJ.
"Well I'd like you to help me buck trees." Responded AJ.
"And how would I do that?" I asked trying to think of a productive way of doing it, that doesn't involve me going on all fours and looking like an idiot.
"Good point." Said Applejack starting to think of a solution to this problem.
"Maybe I can punch the tree?" I asked pondering that idea because if I punch hard enough maybe it will be as effective as bucking the tree.
"Well, go for it." Encouraged AJ.
As I pulled back my fist I contemplated, what If I punch through the tree? But I quickly dismissed that thought, maybe my knuckles will break before I punch through that tree.
As my fist collided with the tree it took a small chunk out of the tree.
"Wow, maybe I should tone down my punches for this. Hell I was expecting my knuckles to break before I took out a chunk of the tree." I said looking at the tree and my fist utterly flabbergasted at what I managed to do.
"Yeah, I think you should tone it down. But that's the first time I saw somepony knock a chunk outta one ah these trees, through as much bucking these trees have been through I wouldn't of ever expected that to happen." Responded Applejack equally shocked, and a little impressed at how strong Mark is.
Well after my little incident with blowing off part of the tree, I finally got the hang of it.
Well it was about around 6:00 PM when we were done with working. So AJ asked if I would like to go down to a lake near by with Applebloom, Big Mac, and herself to cool off, and who wouldn't like to go and take a dip, so I agreed to go with them once I took my armor to the farm.
As I was walking to the farm I wondered why am I here, how did? I get here?...... Do I belong here?
What's wrong? I know my life has been fucked up, but why, why am I here, am I supposed to do something, as I said do I belong here?
No, I don't belong here. But everything has meaning, doesn't it, but I don't feel like I have meaning here, so what do I do, just punch the shit out of trees for the rest of my life, or do I actually mean something? One of the many questions in life.
"Sir, you seem troubled, may I ask why?" Asked Julie
"I don't know, I'm not sure of anything at this point." I responded as I stared intently at the ground in deep thought.
"Sir if you don't get a move on you will keep miss Applejack waiting" came the very calm and informing A.I.
"Right, I must not keep them waiting on me, it's just rude." I said going back on my way to the farm.
But one question hit me in the back of my head like a rock.
WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR FOR SWIMMING!!
God damn it when am I going to try and get clothes from miss fru fru.
Well maybe if I hurry I might, nah that's stupid, well maybe, but I don't think she can make something that fast for me, if I can get her to make me some clothes, I might have to try and make my own, God that would probably end very badly.
As I was deep in thought I didn't notice the tree five feet away from me, so guess what, I ran into the fucker.
Like an instinct I pulled out my magnum and shot the tree three times.
As I finished my freak out I wondered why I instinctively grabbed my magnum and fired three rounds into it? It's not like I've been in combat, well if you,count the video games as ""training"" then that might do it but I was never this jumpy at running into a tree, well yeah I've ran into a wall when I was really pissed off and punched a hole in it but I've never shot some thing out of instinct it was weird like I've done it before. Like I've said instinct, it felt like instinct.
"SIR, are you Okay?" Asked the concerned A.I.
"I'm fine" I replied trying to get my shit together.
As I began my trek to the farm I turned to look at the shells and saw the that caliber was a 44 magnum, a true magnum.
Then I turned around with a smirk on my face and a question in my mind.
What am I going to tell AJ about the three loud bangs and the three holes in her families tree.
Author's Note
Sorry for the wait, just that I got some BS from my boss and I forgot about writing.
Please forgive me
