Po-Ni-Oh! The Abridged Series

Chapters

Chapter 1: Pilot
Chapter 2: Let The Parodies Begin!
Chapter 3: An Eye for A Card Game
Chapter 4: The Hunger Card Games
Chapter 5: Tooth and Talon
Chapter 6: This Seems Familiar...
Chapter 7: Fake Clone 101
Chapter 8: Get The Cosplays Ready, Fandom...
Chapter 9: Killing With Cosplays
Chapter 11: Someone's Gonna Get Sued Tonight...
Chapter 12: Crystals...
Chapter 13: Expecting Zecora? Think Again!
Chapter 14: She Had It Coming...
Chapter 15: Tricking Trixie
Chapter 16: Plotdumping
Chapter 17: Let's Get This Over With!
Chapter 18: Sexy Princess VS Homosexual Creator
Chapter 10: Blood and Guts (Not the guts you're thinking of, though...)

Chapter 1: Pilot

Author's Note

Overall, I like to believe that anyone can make it onto Equestria Daily. They just need some damn good writing skills is all...

Chapter 1: Pilot

Inside the sun-soaked walls of Canterlot High, two students were sitting down at a desk playing a card game. One of them had purple and magenta hair whilst the other one looked like the very definition of a prism exploding on top of their hair. They were both female, and were looking down on the cards they were holding.

"Alright, Rainbow Dash. Make your turn," the girl with the purple and magenta hair said as she looked square into the eyes of her opponent. Her name was Twilight Sparkle, and she is the main character of this parody series. "What's wrong? Did you get a bad hand?"

"Sorry 'bout that, Twi. This awesome voice of mine is so childish that it makes concentrating rather hard for me," Rainbow Dash responded as she looked up at Twilight.

"Ah gotta agree there, Rainbow Dash," said a blonde girl who was watching the card game. "Who would've thought' of adding a cowgirl to this school? Ah'm thinking of changing my voice and lifestyle, ya know..."

"Oh, and also, I happen to have a really rare card in my possession." Twilight said, immediately sparking the interest of everyone in the room. Most of them rushed over, except for one.

The girl who wasn't part of the group was a special kind. She was wearing a star hairclip and was reading a book on advanced wizard tricks. She flipped the book closed and recalled on what Twilight had just said.

"Hmm... A rare card that I don't own?" the girl said to herself as she stood up from her desk and looked over at Twilight. "It's gotta be that really rare Star-Eyes Ursa Minor card... Ooh, when I get my hands on that sweet and tender looking card, I'm going to be the talk of this school for once. And thanks to my skills in the magical arts, and my two sisters who I don't usually treat very well, that card is as good as mine!"

Eventually, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, the blonde cowgirl, and a girl with pink hair walked into Twilight's house. Once they did, they immediately saw that the card that the girl had talked about earlier was indeed there on display. It was a Star-Eyes Ursa Minor card with 3000 Attack Points and 2500 Defence points.

"Here we are, everyone. This is my ultra-rare Star-Eyes Ursa Minor card," Twilight explained. "Please, no pushing, no grabbing, and no flash photography please. Seriously, every time I get people to see this card, they take flash photos and make cheap knock-offs of this one card just to make a quick buck on the market..."

"All this praise for some stupid bear made out of stars?" Rainbow Dash looked at the card. "And besides, I don't really know who'd ever pay a life-changing amount of money just to own this card for real... Either they must be out of their mind or—"

"I'm here for that Star-Eyes Ursa Minor card and I won't take no for an answer!" the girl with the star hairclip burst through the door.

"No, Trixie," Twilight said with a gruff frown on her face. "And besides, don't you already have enough of these cards as it is? Are you just trying to make your OCD even worse?"

"Listen, Twilight. My sisters Fuchsia and Lavender have been asking me time and time again for freaking copies of that card. And every time I tell them they can't have them, they immediately start throwing these little hissy fits and call me all kinds of rude names." Trixie explained.

"My answer is still no." Twilight responded.

"Curses! Foiled again!" Trixie then threw down a smoke bomb and ran out of the store. Her escape was covered by a thick veil of smoke.

After Twilight finished coughing, she blew the smoke away. "You know, Trixie really needs to get laid, girls..."

Her friends all murmured in agreement.

Later that day, Twilight's phone began ringing. She picked it up, put it to her face and said, "Hello? Starswirl Gaming Shop. How can I help you today?"

"Twilight Sparkle, it's good to hear from you again," Trixie said on the other side of the phone. "I just wanted to say thank you for letting me have your Ursa Minor. I finally got Fuchsia and Lavender to shut up and let me have a decent night's sleep for once."

"Wait, you mean to tell me that you came into this shop at night and robbed me of my most valuable card?!" Twilight shouted through the phone.

"You were asleep, I didn't think you'd notice." Trixie responded.

"That's it!" Twilight hung up the phone and ran out of her bedroom.

Twilight and her friends rode an elevator to the top of Trixie's private company. When they got out, they saw just how well she had made her company. Lulamoon Inc. had been quite successful after Trixie had seized it from her father, and she had decorated the entire top floor out of marble. The girls were all impressed by the marble, but they glared at Trixie when she opened the door on the other side of the room.

"Trixie! Hand me back that card, now!" Twilight demanded as she ran into the center of the room.

"Not a chance, Twilight Sparkle," she responded. "Ask me something, have you ever had to deal with two annoying teenage sisters who take after yourself?"

"No. But probably because unlike you, I have a life!" Twilight said with a smug smile on her face.

"Oooohhhhh!" Twilight's friends all chorused to taunt Trixie.

"Twilight... I won't let that petty little insult slide," Trixie said as she pushed a button on the side of the room, causing metal bars to spring up and separate Twilight from her friends. "You and I will duel in the room up ahead. Win, and you get to see your friends again. But lose, and you'll be forced to work as my private secretary."

"Why would you want to forcibly hire me against my will?" Twilight asked.

"Because I need more and more people to count my money and tell me just how much I keep earning," Trixie said back. "And if you're a good little main character, maybe I'll give you some as a raise..."

"Who needs money when you're a magical princess with the power to win the game every time?" Twilight asked. "If anything, I'd choose the ability to turn into a sexy winged version of myself than be your personal accountant."

"What are you even talking about?" Trixie stumbled back when Twilight had finished rambling.

"Trust me, wait until the next hidden rule on this chapter, then you'll know why..." Twilight said.

"Get ready, Trixie. Because it's time for my daily dose of kicking your ass at a My Little Pony parody of a children's card game!" Twilight's voice had become serious and deep. She also had extended hair, and purple wings growing out of her back.

"Wait, how the hell do you have wings?!" Trixie noticed that Twilight had changed within the last three seconds. "Are you a witch? Because if you are, tell me all of your tricks..."

"Look, Trixie, you can cut the pansy-ass wizard c :yay: p now. We've made it to the only important part of this story. It's the part where I ultimately own your ass and send you running back to mommy," Twilight boasted.

"Fine then, but let me begin this duel." Trixie said as a massive worm with tentacles for tongues appeared in front of her podium.

"Holy mother of Celestia! A real tatzlwurm!" Twilight stumbled back.

"Actually, it's just a very advanced hologram to enhance the experience of playing this parody of a children's card game." Trixie explained.

"Smoke and mirrors to me. The most basic trick of a wizard." Twilight said as she crossed her arms.

"Well then, let's see if this is smoke and mirrors..." Trixie threw three copies of the same card into three sections of the layout of her computerized podium. "I now summon three copies of my Star-Eyes Ursa Minor!"

"Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?!" Twilight immediately took notice of Trixie's multiple monsters.

"Yeah, so?" Trixie boasted.

"That's against the rules, isn't it?" Twilight questioned.

"Screw the rules, I have money!" Trixie said in response. "Now pick up your last pathetic card so that I can go about my daily life-style of being the best character in the show."

"My princess-powered deck doesn't have any weak cards, Trixie," Twilight spoke back. "Well except for that one parasprite I never bother to get rid of. But it also has this!" Twilight held up the head of a horse with white skin and red hair. "The unstoppable Faustia!"

"Ahh! Faustia!" Trixie screamed. "It's not possible! No-one's ever been able to summon her!" but sure enough, the giant white alicorn was there with her red hair and her majestic wings and long horn.

"Seriously? No-one, ever?" Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I mean that card's even rarer than these three beasts alone," Trixie spoke. "What can I pay you to own that card?"

"Hmm... How about you pay me with a completely humiliating ass-kicking?" Twilight said as she pointed towards Trixie, prompting the giant alicorn to attack. "Faustia, obliterate!"

Faustia's horn created a giant golden ball of energy. When she spread her wings, a massive golden laser completely destroyed Trixie's three Star-Eyes Ursa Minors. Then the beam struck Trixie directly, causing her a humiliating defeat.

"Trixie? Is it time for our cameos yet?" A girl with fuchsia skin and purple hair came running into the arena just after Trixie had been defeated. She was accompanied by a girl with the same skin, but who had blonde hair.

"How?!" Trixie scowled as she tightly clutched onto the sides of her podium. "How in the name of Faust did you beat me at my own game?!"

"Trixie, if you really want to know... talk to the hand!" Twilight held her hand out, causing Trixie to once more be barraged with a flurry of light. Only this time, it caused her to faint in embarrassment.

Meanwhile, a man with purple skin and ginger hair was reclining on a chair whilst drinking a mai tai. After he had finished one portion of his drink, a man in a suit walked into the room.

"Mr. Magnet. I just wanted to inform you that Trixie Lulamoon was just defeated by some wannabe from Canterlot High School," the man in the suit said. "Also, it's time for your daily massage."

Mr. Magnet merely smiled.

Chapter 2: Let The Parodies Begin!

"Hello, guys!" A bouncy girl with pink skin and purple and pink hair watched Rainbow Dash and the other pink girl playing a card game at the table. "My name's Cadence, and I just transferred he—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great and all, Cadence, but could you keep it down? Rainbow Dash and this other pink girl are deep in focus, and the slightest distraction could throw them off of their game..." Twilight said, immediately silencing Cadence.

"Why don't you just fold, Pinkie Pie? There's no way you can beat me at this card game..." Rainbow Dash smirked as she looked down at her hand. She had a powerful card combination that would prove decisive if played correctly. "I've got my aces in this hand alone, and I'm about to royal flush you down the drain..."

"Well, Rainbow Dash, there are two things I've learned about you today," Pinkie Pie said back. "One, you're mistaking this card game for poker, and two, I'm pink and this school loves me for it."

"So, what's this game about then, Twilight?" Cadence whispered to Twilight so as not to disturb the focusing girls.

"Oh it's nothing much really. Just this bizarre new trend that just passed over from Japan. Or maybe it was Korea? I don't know," Twilight began to explain. "It's a card game known as Duel Ponies, invented by a Mr. Steven Magnet. Every student in this school plays the game and have good cards, but what makes me special is that I'm the main character of this fanfic."

"And how exactly does that help you win?" Cadence asked as she raised an eyebrow.

"Because I'm the frigging Princess of Card Games. Or... something along those lines," Twilight told her. "Now shut up and keep watching, alright?"

Later, outside on the track and field at Canterlot High, Rainbow Dash and Twilight were leaning against the bleachers whilst everyone else was out in the sunshine.

"Twilight, I gotta ask you something..." Rainbow Dash spoke first.

"Oh? What is it, Rainbow Dash?" Twilight responded.

"Why did I lose to Pinkie Pie in that card game?"

"Sorry, Rainbow Dash, not even I know that..." Twilight used a finger to curl strands of her hair. "I mean by all logical accounts, I should have totally won that duel fair and square."

"What? But you weren't even playi—" Rainbow was stopped by one of Twilight's fingers.

"Rainbow Dash. I'm a frigging princess," she leaned closer towards Rainbow Dash and whispered, "Don't try and question it...

"But yeah. If I couldn't have won that card game either way, there's only one other problem," Twilight came to a conclusion. "And that conclusion is that there's something wrong with your deck. Let me see it..." She took Rainbow Dash's deck off of her hands and began looking at all of her cards.

Now that I look at it, it makes no logical sense how Pinkie Pie could have won that duel... Twilight thought to herself. I mean Rainbow Dash has three copies of Honest in her deck... That's a guaranteed win in most cases, and a complete rage-inducer if you're on the wrong side of it... Twilight gasped when she saw the next card. No way... A Dark Starswirl card?! I've gotta have it!

"So? What do you think, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked, seeing as Twilight was blankly staring at the last card she looked at.

"Oh! Well, uh... You see, the thing is..." Twilight stammered when she finally looked back at Rainbow Dash. "You've kinda dug yourself a six-foot grave with this deck, Rainbow Dash. I mean, three copies of Honest? Seriously? Just one hand-destroying card from your opponent and your whole plan goes down the sh :yay: r..."

"Well then what do I do?" Rainbow Dash threw out her hands.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Twilight smiled as she held onto Rainbow Dash's deck for safe-keeping. "After school ends today, we'll just swing on by my gaming shop and get you a new deck. One that's sure to make you win time after time again..."

"Alright, Rainbow Dash, here we are again," Twilight said as she and Rainbow walked through the front doors of her gaming shop. "Now then, take whatever cards you like from the boxes, but whatever you do, don't pick the golden packs."

"Why not, Twilight? Aren't gold ones supposed to be good or something?" Rainbow Dash had suspicions about Twilight.

"Trust me on this. I got a gold pack once, guess what was in it?"

"A really rare card?" she asked.

"Twelve copies of Celestia's Judgement," Twilight answered. "Seriously. Twelve. Copies. Of. Celestia's. F :yay: ing. Judgement..."

"Won't that help you greatly when trying to win a duel, though?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Granted, it is powerful, but do you really want to see me win with a card that cuts my Life Points in half every time I use it?" Twilight asked.

"Good point..." Rainbow Dash began to dig around the other card boxes to see what she could find.

"Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. And welcome to the end of the Canterlot Regional Duel Ponies Championships!" An announcer spoke as two machines burst out of the walls, revealing the two players who had made it to the finals. "Even though this will probably make no sense in the story, we're doing it anyways!"

"You know, I really like watching the Duel Ponies channel," Twilight said as she and her friends were gathered around a TV in her room. "It's almost as much fun as watching Discovery Family on a Saturday in the wee hours of the morning just to see how magnificent I am..."

"Our two finalists who made it to the finals are two duelists who somehow beat all odds to make it here tonight; Snips and Snails!"

"Wait... These two?!" Rainbow Dash almost leapt up from her spot on the couch. "How did the Beavis and Butthead of this story make it to the finals of the Regional Championships?!"

"Beats me," Twilight put her hands behind her head. "But I guess this is the writer's way of saying that even the most oddball and retarded of characters can succeed if you just throw them a bone every once in a while..."

"By the way, Twilight, there's a parcel here for you." Pinkie Pie said as she dropped a wrapped box onto Twilight's lap.

"Well would you look at that..." Twilight said as she pulled off the wrapping paper to reveal another box. "It's a package from Magnetron Enterprises! Direct from Mr. Magnet himself! I guess me beating Trixie in the pilot must have piqued his interest in me..."

Back in the duel, Snips chuckled as he looked into the eyes of his opponent. He knew that if he pulled off an attack he would win the duel. "Hey Snails, My monster's got claws for thought," His monster showed the claws off to the crowd and his opponent. "Cool, huh?"

"Oh yeah," Snails sniggered.

"You know, what really makes me confused is how these two even managed to pick up a deck and make finals-worthy strategies with what little brains they have..." Twilight said as she examined Snips and Snails carefully. "I mean, everyone knows that these two are brain-dead stooges who rip off another pair of brain-dead stooges who speak almost exactly the same...

"So, Snails. I'll declare an attack, or something?" Snips was about to have his monster unleash an attack.

"You totally activated my Trap Card, Snips," Snails sniggered once more. "Fire! Fire!" Snails watched in trimph as Snips' monster was completely burned to a crisp, taking his Life Points down to zero in one assault.

"This sucks ass," Snips said as he slammed the console with his right fist. "I'm gonna like go now, pick up some babes, maybe get some nachos or something?"

"Welcome one and all to the stage, Mr. Steven Magnet!" The announcer threw up his fist when Snails touched down onto the ground, watching as Steven Magnet walked onto the stage with a golden trophy with wreaths in his hand.

"Well done for defeating Snips in that children's card game parody, Snails," Steven congratulated Snails as he handed him the trophy. "Now you've proven to the whole world just who is the bigger brain-dead retard of this fanfic.

"Oh, and by the way... Since this tournament went down completely fabulously, I've decided to make another tournament with much bigger stakes and a much bigger prize up for grabs, making this one seem totally irrelevant and pointless."

Alright, let's see what we got here..." Twilight examined what was in the box back at her house. "Some gauntlet to throw down for a future unfunny joke, two stars to go in the wrist-thingy of the gauntlet to throw down, and a VCR tape of all things..."

"A VCR tape?" Rainbow Dash looked surprised as Twilight slotted the tape into the machine and hit the play button. "Steven Magnet must be some kind of dinosaur to give us video tapes when people use DVD and Blu-Ray these days..."

"Well actually, according to the Friendship is Magic canon, Steven Magnet is an overgrown sea serpent," Twilight stated matter-of-factly. "But I guess they're the same thing, in a sense..."

Suddenly, the screen changed from static to a picture of Steven Magnet himself.

"Hello, Twilight Sparkle," he said in an disturbing tone of voice. "I want to play a game..."

"A Saw reference too?" Rainbow Dash put a finger at the side of her head and twirled it around. "He must be older than I thought..."

"As of now, you are chained up to a ticking time bomb which is counting down from fifteen minutes," Steven Magnet said as Twilight Sparkle was pulled into the TV so that she could duel him herself. "To win this game, you simply have to beat me in this duel within the time limit. But if you lose, I'll welcome you to the darkest depths of hell by dropping this guillotine blade on top of you."

"Alright then, Mr. Steven Magnet," Twilight suddenly changed into her princess form with a quick burst of purple light. "I'll play your game. And I'll do it all with the cards that I stole from right under Rai— I mean the cards that Rainbow Dash generously loaned to me after she lost to Pinkie Pie.

"Now I summon my—"

"Book Witch in Attack Mode," Steven said for Twilight as her monster took to the field.

"Wait, what?! How in Faust's name did you know I would play Book Witch?!" Twilight was lost for words.

"Patience, patience, Twily-girl. We'll get to that later this season," Steven grinned as he readied his turn.

"Why not just tell me now?" Twilight asked. "I mean, you're obviously going to cheat to prevent me from getting this time bomb off of me, and I'm the main character who always wins no matter what happens, so why not just tell me straight from the horse's mouth?"

"Because this writer wants to try and build tension so that he can get more comments," Steven said. "After all, he keeps throwing cliffhangers into his other stories to try fishing for comments...

"And what about you, Twily-girl? Don't you get up to some crazy shenanigans when you're not that little girl from Canterlot High?"

"Listen, Steven, just because I'm a magical princess from Equestria who steals the body of a nerd to help her win every single fight laid out in front of her, that doesn't mean I'm—" Twilight then stopped when she realized what context he was talking in "—Oh yeah, that's right..."

00:05:00

"You know, Twilight, before you die, I just wanted to share something important with you," Steven smiled as he looked at his hand. "Did you know that Duel Ponies is actually a parody of a game in the real world with a totally different name, and that it was inspired by a Japanese anime?"

"What 'choo talkin' bout, Steven?" Twilight spoke in response.

"This is actually a parody of a card game known as Duel Monsters, which is the main plot point of an anime known as Yu-Gi-Oh! Whereas this is just a cheap knock-off with My Little Pony characters and pales in comparison to the vastly superior real thing..."

"How does it pale in comparison?" Twilight asked.

"Well, you're a princess, and the hero of the anime was an Egyptian Pharaoh with no name until the final season," Steven explained. "Totally different time periods, if you know what I mean. And speaking of time..."

"Wait... You just stalled for time so that the bomb would detonate!" Twilight finally put two and two together when she looked at the timer. True enough, it had hit zero.

"And it worked!" Steven celebrated. "And now, as the man behind this extremely convoluted deathtrap would say: 'Those that don't appreciate life don't deserve life'."

"Listen, everyone! Steven Magnet is a big fat cheating bas—" but before she could speak further, a guillotine cut Twilight in half, taking her out of the digital world and throwing her back onto the couch in the real world.

"Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked when Twilight fell from the couch and rolled onto her side. "Are you okay? What happened in there?"

"Shut up, Rainbow Dash, I'm dead." Twilight said before she fell asleep.

Chapter 3: An Eye for A Card Game

Twilight stood at the rooftop of Canterlot High School, looking down upon the rest of the city. It was sunset, meaning that the street lamps were coming on, cars were turning on their headlights, and she could make out lights being turned on in the windows around her.

Despite how tranquil the world looked, a spark burned inside of Twilight. She would never forget the humiliation she suffered at the hands of Steven Magnet and his game, and now she wanted nothing more than to find him and defeat him at his own game, just to settle the score.

"You know that the world's gone to complete hell when people start cheating at Duel Ponies," Twilight said to herself. "But what's even worse is that I – the main character of the fanfic – was defeated by a homosexual sea-serpent man who happens to be the biggest cheater this side of Yosemite...

Suddenly, a gust of wind forced a paper to fly directly into Twilight's face. She stumbled back and fell on her bottom. After she landed, she pulled the paper off of her face and looked at what it was.

"Hmm... Steven Magnet is hosting a Duel Ponies tournament on a secluded island on the Bermuda Triangle," Twilight said as she examined the poster of the tournament very thoroughly. "It says that he also sent out parcels with gauntlets and two golden stars to each person who he thought would be a good contestant, making this the most private and most exclusive tournament yet..." Twilight nodded her head and grunted. "And the winner gets to challenge Mr. Magnet himself in a one-on-one duel for the title of Prince or Princess of Card Games? Well, I'm already the princess of something, but hey, nothing's better than being the princess of one thing than being the princess of two or more things...

"Alright, I'm all set for the tournament. Now how do I get down from here...?" Twilight looked down on the ground. "Well, if Sunset Shimmer could do it in that extra music video, then I can do it as well..." She leapt from the rooftop and fell two stories down into a bush. When she did, she screamed and fell over, tightly grasping onto her leg. "Oh god! My leg! The leg I use to get around this place!"

"So you seriously screamed and cried about falling into that rose bush and getting thorns stuck in your leg?" Rainbow Dash asked as she and the rest of Twilight's friends plucked rose thorns out of her. "What a wimp..."

"Hey! It's not my fault that that f :yay: ing rose bush was there!" Twilight shouted, then winced in pain as another thorn came out of her.

"Anyways, you're lucky to have survived that fall, Twilight." Pinkie Pie said to cheer Twilight up.

"I am?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah. I mean, if you died off pretty quickly, the people who favourited this fanfic wouldn't have appreciated that in the slightest," Pinkie smiled. "Not to mention it would have taken the writer days and days on end to find a suitable replacement..."

"Anyways, ah brought your mail, Twilight," Applejack handed Twilight a second VCR tape. "And Mr. Magnet's giving these out to everyone? Doesn't he realize that people who don't own tape players no more are pretty much non-eligible? Why don't he just upgrade ta fancy DVD or Blu-Ray?"

"Because Steven Magnet is an outdated character who's gay as f :yay: and only just came back into interest with that big wedding recently," Twilight explained. "Which would explain why he keeps handing out these pieces of rectangular plastic instead of simplistic CDs..."

"Well, maybe this'll give us the rules for how to get into his island in the Bermuda Triangle so that you can get your revenge..." Rainbow Dash said as Twilight put the video into the TV and hit the play button.

The girls watched the box for a minute, then two more. Nothing happened. There was no colour, no noise, it was completely black.

"Did we get trolled?" Twilight asked as she looked at the black screen for another two seconds.

"Silly Twilight, the tape's at the end, not the beginning." Pinkie Pie giggled and snorted.

"Oh, then in that case, we simply have to turn it back to the start and see what kind of sick game Magnet wants to play with me this time..." Twilight looked at the VCR box and tilted her head. "Uh... How do you get this thing to reverse?"

"And this is why DVD and Blu-Ray exists..." Rainbow Dash sighed as she put a hand on her chin.

"Yeah! It's time to board the ship to the Steven Magnet's Duellist Island, everyone!" A man with short blonde hair and massive biceps stood on the observation deck of a ship, looking out on all of the contestant. "Remember, if your hair is bizarre and multi-coloured, you get access to the first-class lounge!"

"Sorry Pinkie Pie, Sorry Applejack," Twilight said. "Your hair seems perfectly average to me..."

"You know what this means, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash said as she wrapped an arm around Twilight's shoulders.

"VIP SLEEPOVER!" The two girls both cheered together and laughed in merriment afterwards.

"Ya know, it ain't fair that both Twilight and Rainbow Dash are part of this tournament, but we're only seen as the lower-class type here..." Applejack crossed her arms as she watched both Twilight and Rainbow Dash gaily skipping onto the boat.

"And besides, we'd be good Duel Ponies players too. Right?" Pinkie asked.

"Let's just get on the ship anyways." Applejack made a plan.

"How come?" Pinkie wondered.

"Because ah'm tired of bein' seen as the worst pony/human in the writer's eyes. It's time ah did somethin' so crazy, he'd hafta show some appreciation for me..." Applejack scowled as she ran over to the side of the ship and pulled out a lasso from her pocket. "Now once we get on the boat, we're gonna have to hide."

"Why would we hide ourselves?" Pinkie had her turn to speak.

"Because everypony in thi—"

"Everypony?" Pinkie tilted a head. "I think you mean everybody, Applejack..."

"Whatever. But anyways, everyone on this ship will be wearing those Power Glove look-alikes with the stars on the wrists," Applejack explained. "We'll just hide ourselves and act as spectators for Twilight and Rainbow Dash when we arrive at the island..."

A loud foghorn engulfed the docks, causing Pinkie Pie and Applejack to shake with how loud the volume was.

"Oh, c :yay: p! We've gotta do this now!" Applejack lassoed onto a part of the observation deck and began to walk up the side of the ship. Pinkie Pie followed closely behind, and they got on board just as the ship left the docks and the security had gone to check on the duellists. "There. Ah lassoed onto the ship and snuck on board with Pinkie Pie. How do ya like me now, writer?!"

"Who are you talking to?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"What are you doing, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked as she picked up some of the food from the buffet in the grand hall.

"Just scoping out the competition," Twilight responded. "Let's see. We've got those pansies from Crystal Prep who rely solely on Unity Monsters... some Mirror Pools and Widespread Ruin cards should fix them up real good. Then there are the dorks from that tournament in the last chapter..."

"Sup?" A punk-like female appeared at the buffet table and put two chicken legs on her plate. Her hair was white, but she had distinctive pink patches around her eyes, almost like she had face-painted herself for an anarchist gang. "Name's Gilda. But you can refer to me as the new Princess of Card Games."

"Well then, another feisty one, I see," Twilight smiled at Gilda. "May the best man – or woman – win, I guess..."

"You're on, Twilight. But I'll save your crushing for when we get to Magnet's island," Gilda said as she walked off. "Good luck... You're gonna need it when you face my Griffon Ladies..."

"Wait, is that Cadence?" Pinkie Pie looked at the deck and saw Cadence hold onto the barrier and look out at the widespread ocean. "How did an unimportant character like her make it onto this boat? And even then, as a duellist?"

"Something's off about her," Applejack looked at how blankly Cadence stared outwards. "Ah would go and talk ta her, but we're still tryin' ta hide from the rest of the duellists on this boat. We'll be thrown into the sea if we get caught, remember?"

"Hey! Who are you two?!" A security guard had found Applejack and Pinkie Pie.

"Busted!" The two of them both said as they ran for their lives.

"You know, Snips, it's impressive that a brain-dead stooge like you managed to make it to the finals of the regional championship and win," Twilight said, feigning a smile as she did so. "You must be happy that you won... And, uh... let's have a nice, clean tournament?"

"Oh yeah," Snips snickered like he usually did. "But speaking of fair, your Faustia which you used to be Trixie just got banned in every country around the world."

"What? I don't remember that coming into play..." Twilight was stunned.

"So, you totally don't mind if I throw these cards off of the side of the ship? You know, just so you won't get in trouble for holding banned cards?" Snips asked.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Sure," Twilight handed the five pieces of Faustia to Snips, who immediately smirked evilly.

"And here I thought I was a brain-dead moron," Snips snickered again. "Faustia isn't really banned, it's just forbidden. And now that you gave me all five cards, I'm gonna keep my promise." With one mighty throw, Snips threw all five of the cards into the sea.

"Dammit! Why did I fall for such an under-handed, classic, oldest-trick-in-the-book thing like that?!" Twilight shouted in a frustrated tone.

"Don't worry, Twilight, I'll rescue Faustia for you!" Rainbow Dash jumped off of the side of the ship and began to fight against the ocean waves to grab the pieces of Faustia. "Must. Risk. Life. For Twilight's cards!"

After Rainbow Dash was swallowed up by one of the waves, Twilight leapt in to rescue Rainbow Dash and the other pieces of Faustia. Twilight gained the fifth and final piece, then swam down underneath the water. She grabbed onto Rainbow Dash and pulled her to the water's surface, where the both of them could breathe again.

"Hey!" Someone called from the deck above and tossed a lasso at both Twilight and Rainbow Dash. It was Applejack and Pinkie Pie, who were both holding onto the rope so that they could pull the two girls up. "What're you two tryin' ta do? Get some swimming practice or something?"

Twilight and Rainbow Dash put the pieces of Faustia back together, put them into Twilight's pocket, and then grabbed onto the end of the rope. They were then pulled slowly but surely out of the water and up to the main deck.

"Wow, Rainbow Dash. You risked your life to save Faustia," Twilight thanked Rainbow Dash. "You really are a true, true friend after all..."

"But we saved yer life, Twilight!" Applejack threw her arms out. "Surely, you've gotta thank us as well..."

"Well, Faustia is more valuable than life itself..." Twilight said as she looked at the five pieces of her most powerful card combination. "These five cards will guarantee you victory every single time, so long as no-one has hand destruction cards or anything like that..."

"You're saying that some stupid five-card combo is more valuable than your own life?" Pinkie Pie spoke up.

"Well, yeah, basically..." Twilight said.

"So, Twilight. You ready to take down Steven Magnet and get your own back?" Rainbow Dash asked as the four of them could now see the island in all of it's splendour.

"You bet I am," Twilight said as she fist-pumped. "Nobody f :yay: s with the Princess of Card Games and gets away with it," her voice seemed so determined to win. "You hear that, Steven Magnet?! I'm coming for you! And there isn't anything you can do that'll stop me!"

"But wait a sec. Why are you in this tournament, Rainbow Dash?" Applejack asked after Twilight had calmed down.

"Oh, well, I'm trying my best to get into whatever this world calls the Wonderbolts," Rainbow Dash said as she put her hands behind her head. "But the price to audition is a million dollars in this world. And since the tournament'll pay out three millions, I'm thinking of getting Night Glider in as well."

"What about the other million?" Twilight asked.

"I'd invest it to promote this fanfic and get the other members of the fandom to read it, leave as many comments as possible, and share it with all of their friends and followers..." Rainbow Dash smiled.

"What?" Applejack asked.

"Nothing." Rainbow Dash sighed.

"Well, we've all made our morals quite clear," Twilight said as they approached the island. "But one thing's for sure. Steven Magnet's going to pay for what he did to me. Both literally and figuratively..."

"So, it's on?" Rainbow asked with a smirk on her face.

"Like Donkey Kong..." Twilight smiled and gave Rainbow Dash a handshake.

Meanwhile, a private jet with star and wizard decals flew towards Duellist Island. The jets were quite powerful, but the noise had been suppressed.

The pilot of the jet was Trixie Lulamoon, who looked at the island with fury in her eyes. The anger in her eyes meant that she wanted payback for what Twilight had done to her, even if she had to tear through every other duellist to get to her.

"Twilight..." She spoke to herself. "You won't get away with humiliating me. I swear on my life, I will hunt you down, defeat you back, and maybe even kill you out of sheer spite. That'll teach you to mess with Trixie F :yay: ing Lulamoon!"

"Trixie? Are there any peanuts on this flight?" Fuchsia asked from one of the rear seats.

"Shut up, Fuchsia." Trixie blankly responded.

Chapter 4: The Hunger Card Games

"Well, here we are. Steven Magnet's private island in the Bermuda Triangle," Twilight said as the ship drew closer and closer to the docks. "Out here on an island that will most likely never be touched again, I'm gonna show that scaly cheater what it means to mess with the Princess of Card Games..."

"Hmm... mysterious island, death-defying battles to be had, random encounters that could happen at any given moment in time..." Pinkie Pie listed off a number of coincidences in her head. "From the looks of things, I'd say that this is the exact same island used by that chick, Katniss Evergreen. Though, I can't remember where I saw it before..."

"So, who do you think is gonna challenge us first, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Well, from the looks of how everyone's clamouring to get off, I'd say we could freely duel anyone the second we leave the docks," Twilight explained. "So, I'm just gonna wander far off into the forest ahead of us and wait in seclusion. That way, a challenger will have to look far and wide to face me. And when they do, I'll bitch-slap them so hard they'll fly right off of this island and go swimming in the river of shame that I just now created."

"Doesn't that seem a little cliché for this story?" Rainbow Dash wondered as she put a finger to her chin.

"Trust me, Dashie. This is the only way I know how to separate the strong from the weak..." Twilight's brows descended as she glared out towards the island."

"Twilight, Rainbow Dash! Where are you going?!" Applejack asked as she and Pinkie Pie were held down by the security that Magnet had enforced.

"We're off to find challengers!" The two girls ran deeper into the island, far away from their friends.

"When I find ya'll, ah'll knock you upside the head so hard that—" she wasn't even allowed to finish her sentence as a guard tased her in the chest.

"Yeah! I love being a security enforcer!" The bulk man said as he picked the unconscious Applejack up and put her over her shoulders. "Trying to sneak onto the island without permission is against Magnet's rules, and you could very well be perma-banned from playing Duel Ponies because of it!"

"Any last words, pink one?" A regular guard asked as he held up a second taser and prepared to put her to sleep as well.

"Yeah, we're just two spectators who wish to view the duels but not actually participate," Pinkie Pie said innocently. "Surely, your rulebook doesn't have anything against spectators on the island?"

"Hold on, let me check," another guard opened up a nearby rulebook and flipped through over one-hundred pages of how to play the game, as well as all of the best strategies. Eventually, he came to the rules on spectators and said, "Actually, there's nothing wrong with a few spectators. Why didn't you just ask?"

"Because Applejack here insisted that she'd be a rebel for once," Pinkie Pie smiled. "Silly Applejack, the writer isn't gonna cut you any slack any time soon..."

"Alright, you're free to spectate on any duels you come across," the first guard said as he stood Pinkie Pie back on her feet and withdrew the taser. "Just so long as you don't give any weaknesses away to either of the duelists, alright?"

"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie Pie agreed as she walked out onto the island, leaving Applejack to be dragged in by her feet.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash eventually found a castle with a bunch of duellists climbing the stairs towards a rather large castle. They looked at each individual duellist and wondered why they were all congregating at the top of the stairs.

"Do you think a duel's going down?" Rainbow Dash asked as she balled her hand into a fist and smiled.

"Definitely," Twilight said back. "Why else do you think there's such a large crowd up there?"

"Well, let's go check it out!" Rainbow Dash ran towards the stairs, with Twilight closely behind her.

They were only halfway on the stairs, when something caught Twilight Sparkle's eye. She looked towards the right side of the staircase and watched a figure looking up on the castle. She had pink and purple hair, and seemed serious.

"Is that Cadence?" Twilight asked herself as her eyes failed to move from their fixated gaze on the pink girl. "How did she make it onto this island?"

"Twilight, quit staring at the ocean," Rainbow Dash teased as she nudged Twilight's shoulder. "Come on! There's a potential duel up there!"

Twilight nodded at Rainbow Dash and continued her mad dash towards the top of the stairs. However, she wouldn't forget the image that had been burned into her mind. Cadence was here, and now Twilight wanted answers as to how she had made it into the world of Duel Ponies, and that she was good enough to earn a gauntlet from Mr. Magnet.

"Welcome, welcome, welcome my fine duelists!" Steven Magnet announced from the top of the balcony above him. Every duellist looked up and acknowledged his arrival by raising their gauntlets into the air. "Let me be the first to welcome you all to my magnificent Duellist Island; a luxury resort leased by me, and is in no way a private and secluded location for me to watch perversely as you show off your best and sexiest duelling styles..." he chuckled.

"And I see we've got some Duel Ponies veterans here today," Steven Magnet's attention turned towards multiple different contestants. "Such experienced players here include Snips and Snails, Gilda, Daring Do, and even Bandit Rover and his two assistants. Oh, and Twilight Sparkle's here, but she's not really important yet..."

"Hey!" Twilight called out from the audience.

"Now then, let's move on with the proceeds," Steven went on, ignoring Twilight's uproar. "As you know, I gave two Star Chips to every duellist wearing a gauntlet. Which would be you, in this case," he smiled as he held up one of the golden stars to prove his point. "To enter the finals and earn your chance to win three millions and fight me, you just have to duel other characters here to win them. After all, sharing is caring, and it's all just a game...

"Now, in the spirit of island-wide tourneys like this, I won't start the battles until everyone is completely separated," Steven went on. "When you're all alone, I'll begin the battles. All you have to do is find an opponent who still has Star Chips, then duel them for them. It's easy peasy, lemon squeezy!"

"By the way, where's Trixie Lulamoon?" One of the duellists asked. "Shouldn't she be here to defend her title, or something?"

"Apparently, she was defeated by a talented duellist who wishes to remain anonymous," Steven answered the player's question. "I haven't heard from her, Fuchsia Blush, or Lavender Lace since. Maybe she's still crying about the fact that she was defeated so humiliatingly..."

"Yeah," one of the other duellist began mocking her. "What a dork! She should have just hung up the cape and saved the parlour tricks for the toddlers! She doesn't know that Duel Ponies isn't just some cheap game. It's a battle of wits, of skills, and it's also the very reason why we're gonna win this thing!"

"YEAH!" Everyone pumped their fists to the air once again.

"That's wonderful to hear, everyone!" Steven said as he began to walk back towards the castle. "Now run along. There are many duels to be had, so many Star Chips to collect, and oh so little time to get here before all the spots are filled..." He smiled evilly again.

"So, Twilight, who are ya gonna face first?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"The first duellist I lay my eyes on," Twilight spoke back. "I'll be especially proud if the first d :yay: weed I get to face is—"

"Hey! Snips!" Rainbow Dash called out as she had identified the duellist who had tried to dispose of Faustia. "Twilight's gonna challenge you to a duel! You got a problem with that?"

"Oh, crap!" Snips ran off into the forest.

"Hey! Get your butthead and your actual butt back here, nerd!" Rainbow Dash chased after Snips, with Twilight pursuing closely behind her.

The chase through the forest was relatively short, and the two girls immediately caught up to Snips. But when they had arrived, they were close to a massive machine with two massive podiums, similar to the ones that Twilight had seen during her duel with Trixie.

"Running sucks," Snips snickered. "I knew I should have stuck to that other show..."

"MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP RANDOM MONOLOGUE TO BECOME A SEXY ASS PRINCESS TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE, INITIATE!" Twilight said as she was enveloped in purple light, enabling her to gain her wings, deepen her voice, and extend her hair. In her new form, Twilight said, "I hope you like getting royally owned by a princess, Snipsy. Because if you don't then I'm afraid you're out of luck..."

Snips snickered once again. "You know, thanks to a certain movie I saw, you're not the only one that can pull that little trick..."

A same flash engulfed Snips, but it was dark blue. The flash eventually turned into a pillar of flame, where a demonic entity with spiky wings took his place. He landed and said, "Behold! I'm a Devil May Cry knock-off!"

"Well, I've fought demons once before, so I guess I don't mind re-opening the shop for a second round," Twilight said as she leapt onto the blue podium, with Snips flying over and landing on the red one. "It's time to duel!"

"I summon a monster!" Snips snickered as a beast appeared onto the field.

"Oh yeah, well I summon a monster, and then pimp it out with Horn of the Unicorn," Twilight said as she threw down a green-bordered card in addition to the monster she was summoning. "Though not an actual unicorn's horn. That would just be barbaric, and racist towards my lesser species..."

"Wow, just look at how fast this duel's going..." Rainbow Dash said as she watched each and every move go by like two titans were locked in a timeless struggle. "It's almost as fast as when the Bionis and the Mechonis duelled years ago before I was even a baby. Heck, that might have been even before we were all created in the first place," she smiled, "Man, time really does fly when you're having fun..."

"And now, Swift Shining Armour the Fierce Knight, penetrate Snips' defences and take his Life Points!" Twilight said as a white armoured horse with a human rider who had the same details on the back charged towards Snips' monster. A powerful lance thrust came from the human, completely destroying the monster and causing it to shatter like glass.

"Yeah, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash cheered as Snips' monster was erased from the game. "You got this dork on the ropes! Now give him the beatdown he so desperately deserves!"

Gilda raspberried at the duel in progress and said, "Lame. I could've picked his bones clean off if I'd found him..."

"What're you talking about, Gilda?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Snips is nothing more than a nerd. A geeky, wimpy, four-eyed, Beavis-imitating nerd who doesn't stand a chance at winning anything now that we're here." Gilda responded.

"Wait, he's Beavis?!" Rainbow Dash stumbled back. "I thought he was Butthead for two whole chapters!"

"No-one watches that show anymore, Rainbow Dash. It's easy to make the mistake," Gilda said as she flipped the tuft of hair that hung over her forehead. "But yeah. Compared to the rest of the cast, he's only an amateur. Which is odd, considering he won the regional championships a while back..."

"That was literally two days ago..." Rainbow Dash sighed as she looked back on the duel.

"And now, I play my trump card, VKM!" Twilight shouted as she threw down a card.

"VKM?" Snips tilted his head.

"It stands for Villain Killing Magic," Twilight smiled. "Personally, I wanted to save it for a later episode, but I feel like it's a good idea to let the bronies and pegasisters get a taste of what's coming.

"Now go, my rainbow hadouken! Eliminate the rest his Life Points and send him back to Inferno where he belongs!" Twilight said as a massive ball of energy turned into a large beam of light, engulfing Snips and causing his demonic form to vanish off of the face of the earth, leaving a speechless nerd with zero life points.

"This fanfic totally sucks," Snips snickered. "I'm gonna go and eat pretzels now."

"Not so fast, Snipsy-boy," Twilight flew over to Snips as he landed back on the ground. "I believe you owe me two Star Chips."

"Fine, take them." Snips said as he took the two Star Chips out of his gauntlet and put them into Twilight's.

"And I believe you owe me an apology," Twilight crossed her arms. "An apology for almost separating me from my beloved Faustia."

"Grr, fine. I'm sorry." Snips was agitated, but he still apologized nonetheless.

"You see, kids? Stealing someone's personal possessions and trying to get rid of them isn't very nice," Twilight winked. "And so I don't want to see you or Butt-Snails doing it ever again, alright?"

"Okay..." Snips reluctantly said as he hung his head.

"Twilight's on this island somewhere, I just know that she is!" Trixie said to herself as she looked throughout the long forest to find her foe. "That snot-nosed nerd is gonna pay for humiliating me. Ever since our last encounter, I've been revising the Duel Ponies rulebook and been customizing my deck to find the perfect strategy on defeating her. When we meet again, Twilight Sparkle will be the one to suffer an equally humiliating defeat, making me – The Great and Powerful Trixie – the richest and most talented Duel Ponies player of all once more!"

"Fuchsia, are you sure there aren't any ninjas out here?" Lavender asked as she scanned the tree branches around her as she and Fuchsia tailed behind Trixie. "Because those animes are never wrong..."

"Trixie? Do you know where we can find ninjas out here?" Fuchsia asked. "Because I'm trying to prove to Lavender that she's a big stinky-head and that I was right,"

"Listen, girls. I'm going to tell you a story about ninjas," Trixie spoke in response, grabbing the attention of both Fuchsia Blush and Lavender Lace. "Once upon a time, there was an anime known as Naruto, with a sexy protagonist with the exact same name..."

Chapter 5: Tooth and Talon

In a badass new opening sequence, we see Twilight Sparkle dressing up as fast as an anime protagonist, with a short version of a japanese song playing as she does so. Then, with one swift transition shot, we see Twilight mind-crushing Trixie with the title card of the fanfic appearing on screen.

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

"Well, we've knocked one bozo out of the tournament already," Rainbow Dash smiled as she looked out onto the sea. "And to think that he was the winner of the regional championships a few episodes back. Hah! What a n00b..."

"Yes, but let's not forget that the other annoying n00b Snails is on this island as well, Rainbow Dash," Twilight reminded her. "And since I already pounded Snips into next year, I think it's only fair that I make it your turn to beat a worthless side character out of the game...

"Girls!" Pinkie Pie said as she ran towards Twilight and Rainbow Dash, with Applejack close behind her. "Nice to see you again."

"Pinkie? How did you and Applejack make it past border security?" Twilight asked. "I mean with all the security they installed, I expected you two to get deported, or at the very least restrained in the ship's cargo hold until the tournament ends..."

"Well, I simply told them that we were spectators and they just let us walk right in," Pinkie Pie said innocently, a smile growing on her face afterwards. "If only Applejack had tried that, but oh no, she had to be the 'best pony/human' and was determined to do anything to get that spot."

"Shut up, Pinkie Pie," Applejack pushed Pinkie Pie out of the way. "The important thing is that we're yer friends, and we'd be honoured ta—"

"Bye!" Twilight and Rainbow Dash said as they ran off into another part of the forest.

"God-dammit!" Applejack threw down her hat and ran after the two girls. "Come on, Pinkie! Ah'll be their supporter and the best pony/human no matter what it takes!"

"Hurry, Twilight! The redneck's gaining on us!" Rainbow Dash said as she and Twilight ran laughing through the jungle, with Applejack hot on their heels. "I hope she don't start talkin' like this, am ah right?"

"Ah'm warning ya'll!" Applejack's fury was undeniable.

"Yeah. She thinks that her purdy voice'll swoon the writer over and make him like her, ah reckon," Twilight teased as well.

"Yer really startin' ta boil mah blood, you two!" Applejack's face went red.

"That's one mighty fine bull chasin' us, Twilight," Rainbow Dash mocked Applejack again. "Ah hope she don't ruin our apple orchard with her temper, or ah'll hafta knock her upside the head!"

The two girls burst out laughing as they ran faster and faster away from Applejack, unaware that she was red in the fact and screaming bloody murder.

Eventually, they came to a large open area with another arena and a branch directly above them. Seeing that Applejack was hot on their heels, Twilight and Rainbow Dash looked up at the branch, nodded and leapt up to grab it. Once they did, they performed a technical trick that slung them high up onto another branch. They watched Applejack run right past them, clearly too furious and insulted to even see where they were anymore.

"That was fun, Twilight," Rainbow Dash smiled once Applejack left the area to try and search for them again. "I guess all that Sunset Overdrive paid off, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that," Twilight agreed as the two of them jumped down from the branch and walked towards the new arena. Then they saw Gilda taking Star Chips from another duellist. "And speaking of paying off..."

"You lost, hippie. Now cough up those Star Chips!" Gilda took two Star Chips from an eco-friendly duellist and threw him to the ground, quivering in fear.

"Such anger, girl. You disrupted my chakras and angered mother nature with how well you fought against me..." the eco-kid said as Gilda walked away.

"What the heck are you even talking about?" Were the only words Gilda said before she turned her attention to Twilight and Rainbow Dash.

"Hey, Gilda! How's it hanging?" Rainbow Dash held out her hand for a shake, but was quickly brushed off by Gilda's other arm.

"Save it, Rainbow Dash," Gilda said. "You and I both know the only reason you're here is because you want my Star Chips, right?"

"Well, uh..." Rainbow Dash was caught off-guard as she looked down at Gilda's cleavage. "I did, but not anymore..."

"Oh? And what is it that you want now, dweeb?" Gilda asked as she balled her hand into a fist.

"I want your..." Rainbow Dash drooled, but then stopped as she looked up at Gilda's face. It was menacing, as if she wanted to physically harm her if she said something offensive. "Alright, you know what? I'm gonna duel you for it. A duel for your Star Chips, and a chance to see your magnificent breasts!"

"The Star Chips, I have no problem with. But my breasts as well?" Gilda looked puzzled. "You are one sick, twisted little girl, Rainbow Dash. And that's what I like about you..." Gilda leapt onto the red podium, with Rainbow Dash climbing onto the blue one. "Let's do this quick, though. I don't want to arouse any more fanboys and fangirls..."

"Samurai V.S Zombies Guy, attack Gilda's Griffon Lady and take her—" before Rainbow Dash's attack was successful, the Griffon Lady flew upwards and cut the Samurai in half with one slash of her talon "—Life Points?"

"Sorry, Rainbow Dash, but for whatever reason, Griffon Ladies obey Ponymon Logic instead of Duel Ponies logic..." Twilight said from the sidelines. "And if you've never played Ponymon, Flying Types can't be hurt by Ground Types or Fighting Types..."

Gilda laughed. "How does it feel, knowing that you're about to drag your kicked butt all the way back to whatever apartment you chose to live in, crying like a big baby, knowing that my Griffon Ladies cut you down to size?!"

"It's a good plan, Gilda. But unfortunately, Griffon Ladies share the same weakness as all Flying Type Ponymon," Rainbow Dash smiled. "All I need is a monster who can use electricity, and your griffons will be turned into oversized roast chickens!

Now come on, all I need is the right card and I can win this duel... Rainbow Dash put her fingers on the top card in her deck, breathing shallowly like a samurai would, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. If Twilight's taught me anything, it's that friendship is overpowered as hell. And that it's power will give me the strength I need to win...

"I think it's time to give Rainbow Dash a little help," Twilight became consumed in her purple light once again, transforming back into her winged alter ego. "By the power of Greyskull, I am Twilight Sparkle!

"Rainbow Dash! With our bond, you can draw the exact card you need to defeat Gilda," Twilight motivated her. "Our friendship is the strongest and most developed in the entire show, meaning that it should be good enough for you to get just what you need to win. Now do it!"

"Alright then, Twilight," Rainbow Dash smiled, and drew her card in a wide arcing motion. "OVERPOWERED DESTINY DRAW FROM THE PSP GAMES! GO!

"Yes! This is just what I needed!" Rainbow Dash said as she held up the card that would win her the duel. "I activate Lightning Vortex! Now by discarding one card from my hand, your Griffon Ladies are all pulled into a vortex of lightning and electricity, from which they will never escape and are automatically destroyed!"

"NO!" Gilda screamed as she watched all three of her Griffon Ladies vanish into the vortex and get electrocuted to death. Once the vortex vanished, Rainbow Dash's newest monster struck her directly, causing her to Life Points to drop to zero. "How could I have lost..."

"How did you lose, Gilda? Well, it's simple," Twilight said as the two girls landed back on the ground. "It's because in Season 1, Duel Ponies is underdeveloped and broken. When we get to Season 2 – which I hear has a very sexy girl with golden hair doing the role of Marik Ishtar... – the game will make much more sense."

"By the way, since you still lost, I believe I'll take two of your Star Chips," Rainbow Dash said. "Why not four? Because I like you, Gilda. You show fire, guts, cleavage that's sexier than anything else the fandom made. I want to keep you going, so that you can recover from this loss and meet me again in the finals."

"Rainbow Dash..." Gilda watched as Rainbow Dash's hand was outstretched once again. This time, Gilda smiled and shook hands. "It's a promise..."

"Good for you, Rainbow Dash," Twilight congratulated Rainbow. "You fought a great duel, and earned the right to see Gilda's cleavage up close and personal. Now go on, claim your other prize..."

"Sure thing," Rainbow Dash looked back at Gilda, but saw she had gone. "Where did she go?!"

"Dammit! She must have used ninja arts to get away," Twilight said, scouting the arena around her. "Those Japanese and their tech these days, it's just ridiculous..."

"Gilda, I'll see you again someday. And when I do, I will nibble at your double whammies..." Rainbow Dash looked up at the sky and made a fist. "Your melons will be munched. Your gazongas will be gnawed, and every other sexual thing I can think of. It'll happen at the finals. You can count on that..."

"You know, Trixie, Twilight's right here on the island," Fuchsia said, grabbing Trixie's attention after she cut down another row of tall grass with her bayonet. "Why do something as convoluted as fight Steven Magnet for her when you could just enter the tournament and beat her there?"

"Fuchsia, do you know what it's like to be part of a tournament full of kids?" Trixie asked back. "All the wailing brats who lose saying, 'wah, mommy! The big mean CEO beat me with her overpowered deck! It's not fair! I wanna be a pro like her! Wah!' Well, do you?"

"Not really, no..." Fuchsia looked back at Lavender, who was starting to be lost to the jungle. "Hurry up, Lavender! Trixie's got a plan and she needs all hands on deck!"

"Alright then, but this isn't really a ship or anything like that..." Lavender said as she caught up with Fuchsia.

"Trust me, girls. This might be long and confusing, but it's the only way I can duel Twilight in complete privacy again," Trixie explained. "If we get into a public duel, everyone will begin rooting sides and chanting. Pisses me off, I'll tell you that..."

"By the way, why do you keep playing that song from the second movie when we fly in the jet?" Fuchsia asked.

"Seto Kaiba has his theme song, I have my own. Get with the times, girls..." Trixie smirked and sang the song in her head, humming along as she remembered each and every lyric. "Oh yeah, this is my jam right here..."

Chapter 6: This Seems Familiar...

The girls had all gathered on a cliff that led out towards the ocean, gathered around a fire. Applejack had calmed down after her violent outburst and now sat sharing tales with the group. Most of them didn't listen, as they were too busy devouring the fish that had been caught and cooked by their guest, Daring Do.

Daring Do seemed the simple sort of person. A pith helmet on her head, trousers with pockets all over them, and even a whip around her utility belt. Observing the girls carefully, she put her hands behind her head.

"So, Daring Do, what's with the adventure-style gear?" Rainbow Dash asked as she bit into her fish again.

"Well, ever since I was seven years old, I was quite into the world of adventure stories," Daring Do explained as the images went by in her head. "Most other children in my class wanted to draw pictures of whatever came to mind, or to try and be the teacher's pet as best as they could. But as for me, I simply read my adventure books and played as a make-believe adventurer of my own," she smiled. "And recently, that dream of being a real-life hero came to fruition when I was asked to take over for this girl named Lara Croft. She doubted me at first, but I proved her wrong by snatching up a great treasure in half the time she would have done it..."

"So, I'm guessing the tournament got you interested in getting more gold for yourself, right?" Twilight came to a conclusion based on what she had heard.

"That's exactly the reason," Daring said. "I've become attached to the stuff, but I haven't been spending or pawning it away. I like to keep it as a little museum of memorabilia for what I've accomplished."

"Sounds to me like you're kind of a hoarder," Pinkie Pie said as she quickly ate a fish finger in one bite. "And here I thought Button Mash had that issue..."

"Well, it's been fun, Daring, but we've got duellists to crush," Twilight said as she got up and began to walk away. "Have a great day."

It was at that moment, Daring Do noticed that Twilight was about to step on a tile that had been popped out. "Twilight! Don't stand there or you'll—"

But it was too late. Twilight had put her foot down on the tile, causing a massive arrow to fly out of the forest. She barely had any time to avoid the arrow, but she and everyone else ducked under it and watched it shoot off into the ocean.

"Celestia on a trampoline!" Twilight said as the arrow vanished under the waves. "Why didn't you tell me this place was booby-trapped?!"

"Sorry about that," Daring Do said. "I've also got a little bit of a fetish for laying down complex and unseen booby traps wherever I go. I'm not really sure why I like doing though, but I've got a hunch that I like to think of my whole life as one big gold heist...

"But don't worry one bit, Twilight," Daring said as she took Twilight's hand and examined the area she had laid her traps. "Just walk carefully over this way and..."

Pinkie Pie stood on another trap, causing a bolas to fire out and tie her legs up in seconds. She fell down, accidentally touching more and more traps with her hands and feet.

"PINKIE PIE!" Everyone shouted as they watched all of the traps get activated at once.

All at once, more and more bolas and arrows shot out from the trees. If that wasn't enough, jets of fire sprung up around where the cliff met the rest of the island, and nets were launched like mortar shells down on the girls.

"Oh c :yay: p..." Daring Do said as the traps came speeding towards them all.

*Insert intro sequence here*

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

"Trixie, why not just go up to Steven Magnet and talk things out with him?" Lavender asked Trixie as she checked a grappling hook from behind the castle. "I'm sure he'll recognize your money and do anything you say..."

"Lavender, with a sea-serpent like Steven Magnet, money doesn't buy him everything," Trixie said back. "He obviously has his eyes set on Twilight Sparkle and her sexy alter ego, but I'm going to be in his castle, waiting for her. That purple p :yay: y won't know what hit her..."

"But still, why use the grappling hook?" Fuchsia asked as Trixie had already lobbed it and attached it to a secure part of the castle. "Won't it make more sense just to knock on the front door?"

"Fuchsia, I'm Trixie Lulamoon. I don't use the front door," Trixie said back as she began climbing. "Now get your butts up here with me. We're going to interrogate Steven Magnet and demand a duel with Twilight Sparkle!"

The three girls started climbing, and were already out of sight when Twilight Sparkle and her friends came walking by.

"You know, if it weren't for the fact that Daring Do has some kind of mental illness that could probably cause her death and the deaths of her friends because of her adrenaline pursuits, she's quite a nice girl when you think about it..." Twilight said.

"Yeah. She's pretty cool," Rainbow Dash agreed with her. "You know, besides the whole deathtrap fetish she's got going for her..."

"Hey! Get your hands off of me!" A duellist with blue spiky hair said as he was being restrained by the bulky white man who worked for Steven Magnet.

"Sorry, little guy, but you're out of Star Chips," the white man said as he watched the duellist thrash his legs as he tried to escape. "Magnet's rules demand that both players put up their chips to duel. And since you're out, I've gotta get you off of this island ASAP!"

"Hey! What's going on here?" Rainbow Dash asked as she looked at the duellist and the white security enforcer.

"This duellist lost his last Star Chips, meaning he's gotta go!" The bulk man threw the duellist onto a small boat, right next to Snips. "Yeah! I love being a heavyweight guard for Mr. Magnet!"

"Jeez... that's what happens to people who lose their chips?" Rainbow Dash watched as the losers had to start rowing away from the island to get back to their respective homelands. "In that case, we'd better not lost any duels any time soon. I mean honestly, who wants to work to get back home when they've lost? Talk about adding salt to the wound..."

Trixie heard a buzzing noise on her earpiece as she walked down the carpeted hallways of Steven Magnet's castle. She pushed a button on it and was projected a screen with Fuchsia and Lavender's faces on it.

"What is it, Otacon? I'm kinda busy here..." Trixie said.

"Stop calling us that!" Fuchsia said, mildly irritated by the codename she and Lavender had been assigned. "But anyways, I just wanted to let you know that Twilight Sparkle is looking for Star Chips outside. Do you want to call off this search for Steven and just duel her there and now?"

"No. But I do have a special job for you," Trixie smiled evilly. "I want one of you to go down and duel Twilight Sparkle whilst wearing the glove and Star Chips you see in the box in front of you," Trixie began to explain. "She will think you're another duellist. But I want your identity to be made hidden. When you fight Twilight, you shall be called either Aurora or Borealis."

"Why let us duel her when she's right here?!" Lavender asked. "This is the chance to exact your revenge on Twilight Sparkle and her friends! Why are you biding your time?"

"Because when I duel Twilight, I want her to know that she had it coming for a long time," Trixie explained. "It speaks volumes when someone has been waiting, hiding, and concocting a plan to find them and ensure they had the duel planned even without them knowing about it..."

"Fine then, but who should go to face Twilight?" Fuchsia asked.

"I dunno. Just play Rock, Paper, Scissors for it or something..." Trixie cut off the transmission afterwards, allowing her to resume her mission.

"I am the terror that flaps through the night!" A figure leapt out from the bushes in front of Twilight Sparkle and her friends. "I am the cloud that rains on your hip parade! I am Darkwi—"

"Hey, Fuchsia. How's it hanging?" Rainbow Dash said, immediately identifying the figure by their voice.

"Dammit! I knew that I'd never be a good cosplayer..." Fuchsia said as she unmasked herself and shed into her real clothes. "But anyway, I'm here to duel Twilight Sparkle whilst my big sister Trixie does something really secretive and confusing!"

"Well I don't usually take requests from you and Lavender, but I suppose it'll warm me up for if I need to spank Trixie's ass again so that she cries like the baby she is," Twilight's alter ego said. "So what the heck? You're on!"

"You'll pay for what you did to Trixie, Twilight Sparkle!" Fuchsia said as the two duellists took their positions. "After you crushed her with Faustia, you threw the three of us into a life of dysfunction!"

"Trixie? What's wrong?" Fuchsia asked as she and Lavender walked into Trixie's office, seeing their boss in a slump.

"Despite all the attention from the brony fanbase, Hasbro wrote me out of everything besides two episodes in Friendship is Magic, and a minor role in the second movie..." Trixie said as she put her hands to her cheeks. "And it's all because of that d :yay: :yay: ag Twilight Sparkle...

"Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take a while to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It's the only thing that keeps me sane after the crippling blow I suffered..."

"Trixie..." Lavender and Fuchsia tried to reach out for Trixie, but they were too late.

Ever since you defeated her in the pilot episode, you made me and Lavender begin starting petty arguments that almost ruined our friendships...

"Are you kidding me? Frozen's a horrible movie, only created by Disney to appeal to every baby and little girl across the world!" Fuchsia yelled out as she watched Lavender hide her Frozen merchandise behind her back.

"If it's so bad, then why is it so popular?!" Lavender shouted back.

"That does it!" Fuchsia rolled up her sleeves. "1v1 me, u scrub!"

The two girls got into a fist fight, which eventually descended to them slapping each other and pulling at each other's hair, only to be broken up when Trixie slapped each of them across the face violently.

"That's it! No more Frozen!" Trixie shouted when the two girls had looked at her. "I can see that this petty bull :yay: t is only gonna keep going as long as those dolls and toys exist alongside the movie. Now hand them over and let me burn them in the furnace we keep in the basement."

You ruined our lives, Twilight Sparkle. And it only got worse from there...

"Gentlemen? I trust the plan is in full-motion?" Steven Magnet smiled as he addressed five mysterious figures in black suits.

"Yes. Soon, Hasbro will eliminate everything the brony fandom has ever created. Including the news, youtube videos, fan art, everything will be erased before long..." One of the suits said. "Operation Cease and Desist is in full-swing. Just say the word and we can begin with phase two."

"The codeword is... Lauren Faust." Steven said.

"All hail Hasbro! The overlords of puritan fanbases!" The five suits said in unison as they raised their fists in the air.

"Oh no! This is terrible!" Lavender said as she ran off to tell Fuchsia and Trixie all about it.

"You see, Twilight Sparkle? If Trixie doesn't win and use her money and influence to sort this out, the brony fandom will be purged by the Big Five of Hasbro," Fuchsia said. "Scott Sonneborn, M.A. Larson, Dave Polski, Josh Haber, and Jayson Thiessen will destroy everything the fandom came to love, causing us all to fade away forever!"

"That's a risk I'm willing to take..." Twilight said as she balled her hand into a fist.

"Well it's one I'm not!" Fuchsia leapt up onto Twilight's podium and swindled all four of her Star Chips. "I'm coming, Trixie!"

"Damn! Not again!" Twilight said as she jumped off of the podium.

"Get that mutha :yay: a!" Applejack said as she got her lasso out to capture Fuchsia.

The chase ended as quickly as it began, with Pinkie Pie tying Fuchsia's legs up with the bolas that had tripped her up earlier, and Applejack ensnaring Fuchsia's arms so that she couldn't crawl away.

"Listen, Fuchsia Blush," Twilight began as she got close to her face. "You can try and blackmail me all you want, even threaten my friends and deck, but let's get one thing straight. Nobody, but nobody f :yay: ks with the Princess of Card Games."

"Yeah. And besides, if those thugs from Hasbro try to purge this show, we'll Duel Ponies them so hard their dead grandparents won't even recognize them!" Pinkie Pie said from the group.

"I'm sorry, Twilight," Fuchsia said as she handed Twilight back her chips. "I just don't want our big sister to fade into obscurity after Rainbow Rocks," she hung her head. "If Trixie goes down, we go down with her. We're best friends, Twilight. Sisters by name, but different by blood. Surely, even you must understand this..."

"I understand perfectly, Fuchsia. What I don't understand is why you, Lavender, and Trixie are such massive a-holes..." Twilight spoke.

"Don't blame us for that. Our father was very tough on us..." Fuchsia looked back up at Twilight.

"Oh, really? And who was this abusive father who treated you like dirt?" Twilight asked as she tilted her head.

"Oh, he's not going to be announced until Season 3, in which some prissy crown-wearing stepsister and her friend try to steal bodies and regain control of Lulamoon Inc..." Fuchsia said.

"Interesting how the world of science allows us to progress these days..." Trixie said as she pulled out a large mechanical disk on a wire with certain spots for her cards on it. "It's allowed me to combine this game with another game known as Beyblade. Now the game's twice as intense, and even more confusing as it was before!"

Suddenly, Trixie activated a trap, opening a trap door beneath her feet. She screamed as she was sent plunging into the darkness of the unknown.

When she landed, she was in a capsule of blue liquid. The top was closed tightly, preventing any means of escape. She banged against the wall to try and break out, when wires suddenly bored themselves into her flesh, causing her to make a cry of pain which was muffled by the liquid. And if that wasn't enough, a special breathing apparatus was attached to her face, causing her to black out when the water was replaced with a sleeping gas.

"Oh, Trixie Lulamoon, you fell right into my trap," Steven Magnet smiled as the massive jar vibrated and hummed. Next to Magnet was a machine which generated a duplicate of Trixie. "You're not the only one who's made advances in the field of science, you know...

"Now, Hush, I want you to assume the role of Trixie Lulamoon and duel Twilight Sparkle's sexy winged alter ego," Steven said as he addressed the clone. "That way, I can learn more about her, and discover why she cheats to win every single time..."

"As you wish... daddy..." The clone of Trixie said slowly as it picked up Trixie's deck from her capsule, put all forty of her cards into it's pocket, and walked out of the door.

"Yeah! Twilight Sparkle!" The bulk man returned to greet Twilight right next to another duelling arena. "Sorry to take your time away from you, but Mr. Magnet arranged a special one of a kind duel for you!"

"A special duel? Just for me?" Twilight felt like a kid at Christmas. "You flatter me, Bulk Biceps. Now, who am I ass-kicking today?"

As if to answer her question, Trixie walked onto the red podium and locked gazes with Twilight.

"Hello again, Twilight Sparkle..." Trixie said, her voice venomous and tranced. "My name is Trixie Lulamoon 2.0. My goal is to find you, and destroy you, so that Mr. Magnet can live a life of sexual attractions to everyone other than the main character..."

"Oh my god!" Applejack cried. "We're actually having a cliffhanger for once!"

To Be Continued...

"Why am I always picked on and teased?" The blue haired duellist said as he rowed down heavy waves with the rest of the losers. "Why does this fandom hate me?"

"Shut up and row, you waifu stealing jacka :yay: ..." Snips said.

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[Apparently, Steven Magnet has been reading Alex Rider's Point Blanc by Anthony Horowitz...]

Chapter 7: Fake Clone 101

"Twilight, we're going to find the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!" Daring Do said as she and Twilight slid down a ridge and landed on a cliff's edge which overlooked a rather large kingdom.

"I'm not a loser! I'm Flash Sentry!" he said as he was thrown onto the boat with Snips and the other losers.

"I'm Solid Snake." Trixie said as she leaned against a wall with a silenced pistol in her hands.

"And we're Otacon!" Fuchsia and Lavender said through her headpiece.

"Shut up, Otacon." Trixie spoke back.

"I've just combined Beyblade with Duel Ponies. I'm a f :yay: ing genius!" Trixie revelled in her accomplishment for a brief second before a trapdoor opened up beneath her. "Shiiiiiiiiiii—"

"Hello, Trixie. I hope you don't mind becoming part of an Alex Rider book, but I've gotta fight Twilight Sparkle with your body for a second, ok?" Steven asked.

"Why don't you just let me duel her for real?" Trixie spoke through the breathing apparatus before falling asleep.

"Because clones are far more fun than magicians, and much more creepy." Steven smiled.

"Hello, Twilight. My name is Hush, a Batman villain who no-one talks about even though he was given some screentime in Arkham Knight," the clone of Trixie said. "I'm here to defeat you in a duel and take your sexy alter ego away from you forever..."

"If you want my body, you'll have to pay me a large portion of Trixie's money, and then try to woo me over poorly with whatever cheap tricks you can think of," Twilight said as she addressed the clone. "Now let's duel!"

And now, for the exciting conclusion... Wait, this is Coronation Street, right?

No? Oh fu—

*Insert intro sequence here because I can't be arsed...*

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

"It's a pleasure to meet you again, Twilight Sparkle," the clone said as Twilight stood up on the podium. "I've been waiting for the day when I would be able to have our rematch and reclaim my—"

"OK, I call major BS!" Twilight said, looking at the fake Trixie. "What the f :yay: k is wrong with your face?"

"What do you mean by that?" the fake shrugged. "I'm perfectly normal, just like every other person on this island..."

"Considering we have one person who looks like an anarchist, one who became a Devil May Cry knockoff, and now a copy of Trixie but with evil black markings on her face, I don't really see how anyone on this island looks even the slightest bit normal..." Twilight said. "So tell me, who really are you?"

"I'm Trixie Lulamoon!" the fake snapped, banging a fist on it's podium. "And if you fail to see that, then maybe my Shadowy Thief will make you see otherwise!"

"Ooh, I'm really scared," Twilight said sarcastically. "Look, everyone. The fake has a card that Trixie doesn't use because she favours the Star-Eyes Ursa Minors she has. Everybody, poop your pants and run away from this clearly superior fake..." she mocked.

"Why won't you accept that I'm Trixie?!" the clone roared. "I know her cards, I know her game plans, I know her money and sisters, I know her bra size—"

"Ha! You know a wimp's bra size," Twilight chuckled. "Oh god, would you mind telling us for a sec? Then I'll let you get on with the duel..."

"Well, she's about a Size C from what Steven tol— wait, no!"

Twilight burst out laughing. "Oh my sweet Celestia, I've gotta post about this on Twitter and Facebook... Trixie's gonna be ruined for life!"

"Now can we please get on with me defeating you already? I've got a reputation to uphold..." the clone asked.

"Sure thing. But let's 'C' if you've got what it takes to beat me, Trixie..." Twilight laughed at her own joke. "Size C boobs... that's never going to get old..."

I won't just sit idly by whilst Steven Magnet and his cheap knock-off have all the fun. I'm gonna break out of here in the most creative way possible... Trixie thought to herself as she woke up and reached for something in her pocket. Now let's see if I've got it in here... Ah hah! My mini boom-box!

Now then, it's time for Steven to face the music for what he did to me. Trixie turned the mini boom-box on and played her theme song. If there's one thing that this world has taught me, it's that playing Tricks Up My Sleeve at a loud enough volume has the power to shatter glass. A handy little trick to escaping places like this... She turned the volume up gradually, until it was loud that it began to make cracks in the glass. Putting it up to the maximum volume, she destroyed the glass completely and fell out, hitting the off button in the process as the wires were ripped from her body.

"Even though I'm probably going to have blood dripping out of me so that Steven's goons can follow me, I don't care," Trixie said to herself as she plugged up the wires with white tissues on the table in front of her. "I'm going to personally demand a one-on-one with Twilight by interrogating the very person who created our favourite card game..."

Trixie ran down a series of corridors with minimal blood dripping out of all of the holes that had been cut into her when she was wired into the capsule. Her clothes were soaking wet and were sagging across the floor, but she wasn't really bothered by that.

To the theme song of James Bond, Trixie stealthily found her way around the castle, paralysing or avoiding any guards she came across. She smiled with each evasion and takedown she performed, and was about to reach Steven Magnet's office, when her eyes caught something.

"Huh? A computer room?" Trixie asked as she walked inside the open door and locked it tight. "Well, well, well... It looks like this machine is wired into the entirety of Duellist Island, including a whole bunch of deathtraps set up by that Indiana Jones wannabe, Daring Do..."

"Hello, Trixie Lulamoon. I've been expecting you," the computer spoke in a fully autotuned voice as Trixie began hacking into it. "My name is GLaDOS, and I see you're trying to hack into me and see every area of the island to make sure nothing misses your diligence..."

"I only care about breaking into you because I want to see how Twilight Sparkle's progressing with the tournament," Trixie ignored the computer and kept on typing away at random keys that worked as the access codes. "And after I'm done, I'll find my way to Two Mares One Apple Cider and humiliate Steven by broadcasting to everyone that it's one of his favourite websites."

"Oh my... You are a naughty one, aren't you?" GLaDOS said as Trixie found her way into the mainframe, giving her complete access to all the duels in progress and all of the security feeds from the concealed cameras. "Well, if it's all the same with you, I have to leave you alone for a while. I'm dealing with a new test subject in three minutes."

"Alright then. Have a fun time with him or her," Trixie said as she found the duel with Twilight and her clone. "Wait a minute... that's not me! Even though it looks, walks, and duels exactly like me... Steven Magnet must be taking no risks with this tournament," Trixie pulled out a USB key from her pocket. "Unfortunately for her, neither am I..."

"I summon the Star-Eyes Ursa Minor!" Trixie's clone said as it threw down the card, causing the massive beast to erupt from the arena and stare Twilight in the face. "Now I really am Trixie Lulamoon, Twilight Sparkle!"

"Nope. You've still just copied her deck and duelling style," Twilight still seemed unconvinced. "Honestly, Hush, I'm disappointed.

"Don't call me that! I am Trixie Lulamoon!" the clone shouted at the top of it's voice.

"And you've been saying this for the past twenty-five minutes, making it seem like you act like a three-year old toddler who keeps on bawling about a lost toy and a case of mistaken identity..." Twilight scoffed. "I am very disappointed, to be honest..."

"My name is Trixie! T-R-I-X-I-E TRIXIE!" the clone roared and screamed in denial as it began to claw at it's face. "WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME, YOU RIDICULOUS REJECT FOR AN ANGEL?!" Howling in anger, the clone damaged it's face, revealing the face of a man with black hair.

"Because now you sound like a man, and have the face of a man," Twilight kept her cool as the fake threw the face off and began to strip naked. "And apparently, you have the genitalia of a woman. That's odd..."

"Oh, fine then," the man said as he hung his head and calmed down. "My name is Thomas Elliot. I'm an underrated Batman villain who steals the identities of people and uses them to commit crimes, the likes of which the real people could never accomplish. Steven Magnet hired me and grafted Trixie's DNA over my own, all because he wanted me to duel you so he could analyse your deck and find a weakness..."

"Cloning Trixie Lulamoon to find a weakness in my deck so he could counter it when we duel for real again? That's pretty gay, even by his standards..." Twilight said.

"I know," Thomas said. "Why didn't he just hire me to just steal all of Trixie's money and deliver it to him? I mean, that's what I usually go for these days..."

"Honestly, I've no idea," Twilight held out her hand and said, "Anyway... MIND CRUSH!"

Thomas was blasted off of the podium, causing him to smash into a tree and make it fall over. He fell unconscious afterwards, groaning lightly.

"If Steven wants to find my weakness, he should do it himself, instead of going onto Two Mares One Apple Cider and jerking off in his spare time." Twilight said as she returned to her friends.

"Well, this was a confusing cliffhanger." Rainbow Dash said as she walked Twilight over to to Thomas and helped her pluck two Star Chips from his gauntlet.

"I know..." Pinkie Pie said as the group walked away from the arena. "I mean, Hush? Seriously? The only reason people know about him is because they've played Arkham Knight and done most, if not all of the Most Wanted Cases..."

"Now that's what I call a case of mistaken identity..." Twilight said, causing everyone to laugh.

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[Clones are all the rage these days. Now if someone could go out there and make Age-Regression all the rage, life would be better for me...]

"Soon, my time will come," Cadence said as she strolled through the forest, but her voice was darker and more malicious, and a tiny bit foreign. "After all these years, I'll be standing in the spotlight. Those foolish fools think that they're stupid enough to believe that I'm a sweet and harmless pink girl named Cadence, when in reality, I have a yami form of my own..." her eyes flickered green.

Chapter 8: Get The Cosplays Ready, Fandom...

"So, Fuchsia, where exactly are you going?" Twilight asked as Fuchsia was about to leave the group.

"I'm sorry, Twilight, but I got what I came for," Fuchsia responded, turning around to face Twilight. "Trixie wanted me to duel you, or at the very least see how you duel so she could find a flaw in your strategy..."

"Great, now everyone's going to want to duel me twice or have clones battle me in their place," Twilight face-palmed. "That's just fan-tucking-fastic..."

"I know. By then, Twilight will have likely made an undefeatable deck with no weaknesses whatsoever..." Rainbow Dash analysed the times Twilight had been duelling. "I mean, after she took out Trixie with Faustia, and her humiliating loss to Steven Magnet, she's been curb-stomping every duellist she came across. Which is really only just Snips and Hush when you think about it..."

"Two more duels and she'll be in the finals. So if Trixie wants to try and find a weakness in Twilight's deck, she'd better just come down here and face her now instead of do something akin to a counter-terrorism mission..." Pinkie Pie said with a smile on her face.

"That's what I've been trying to tell her, but she didn't listen to me or Lavender!" Fuchsia said as if she agreed with the group. "OMG, we have so much in common..."

"Yeah, I guess you could say that..." Twilight chuckled.

"But anyway, I've gotta get going," Fuchsia said as she ran off towards the castle to rejoin her sister. "Don't be too long, Twilight!"

"I won't!" Twilight waved Fuchsia off as she eventually vanished into the distance. "What a nice girl. It's a shame that since this is a parody of Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, she and Lavender have to be the two dumb-asses in distress..."

"Wait, what?!" Fuchsia said in the distance as she was tackled by one of Steven's security forces, with Lavender screaming far off in the distance

"See, I told ya..." Twilight's smug attitude appeared instantly.

*Intro goes here*

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

"Hello again, Rainbow Dash," Gilda said as she stood in Rainbow Dash's way with a familiar figure standing behind her. "I hope you're still not butthurt about me ditching you when you were about to eat out of my breasts, are you?"

"Yeah, I'm still mildly peeved about that," Rainbow Dash's brows lowered as she looked Gilda in the eyes.

"If it's any consolation, I got you a new playmate to crush in a duel," Gilda prompted the figure to step forward, letting the light reveal who he was. "Butthead, say hello to Rainbow Dash. And Rainbow Dash, say hello to Snails."

Snails laughed. "Your hair looks like unicorn diarrhoea..."

"Hey! That's a wholly false and unlawful statement!" Twilight said from behind Rainbow Dash.

"But anyway. This time, if you defeat Snails, I'll let you eat out of my breasts for real this time," Gilda said, escorting Snails to his podium. "I'll even keep an eye on the little dweeb whilst you duel him, just to keep my promise."

"Well, since you promise your delicious cleavage if I defeat this wannabe in a duel, then I guess I'll accept," Rainbow Dash said as she leaped onto the blue podium. "Let's duel, Butthead!"

"Applejack? Where are you going?" Twilight saw that Applejack was leaving the group to be by her lonesome. She followed after her.

"Applejack, what are you doing here, looking at this pool during the sunset like you've got some questions to answer?" Twilight asked as Applejack kneeled down.

"Ah've been thinkin' about somethin', Twilight," Applejack responded. "Why am I the worst pony/human in Shadowmane PX-41's eyes?"

"Well, He's made a pretty long list... You've lied about the rodeo in Over a Barrel, you pressurised Fluttershy in Bats, made the town believe a scam in Leap of Faith, and in Rainbow Rocks, you tried to start an argument on-screen, over f :yay: ing dresses for crying out loud..." Twilight explained.

"Hey! Ah couldn't help myself back then," Applejack took control of the conversation. "Ah was just followin' whatever the script said. And truth be told, ah secretly have a fetish to dress us like somethin' other than this tatty cowgirl costume..."

"But don't you think you could have asked the team at Hasbro to modify the script so that you didn't fight over dresses?" Twilight asked.

"Given the chance, ah would've. But the Big Five said that it would be 'too cheesy', and that they needed to make the movie seem darker when we expelled our power and handed it to Marik, Ishizu, and Odion— I mean, The Dazzlings..." Applejack told her.

"Did you just spoil some future casting roles for later chapters?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah. That was my fault. Sorry, Twilight..." Applejack hung her head. "Ah guess ah'll never be as well-loved as you, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie..."

"Don't think about the negatives, Applejack," Twilight tried to cheer her up. "I'm sure that one day, the writer will see you having a super-special-awesome moment. One that will make him feel neutral towards you..."

"Ya think so?" A single tear fell from Applejack's eye.

"I know so..." Twilight took Applejack by the hand an walked her back to the arena. "Now let's give Rainbow Dash some support in curb-stomping Butthead in a parody of a children's card game."

"Go! Attack Butthead's fossilised Fell Dragon Grima and cut his Life Points down to zero!" Rainbow Dash said as an angelic version of herself flew towards Grima and cut it in half, causing the shards to rain down on Snails as his counter hit zero.

"Dammit! Not again!" Snails said as he was blasted off of the podium and onto the floor. "I thought I could be a badass, but it turns out I'm a bad-a :yay: hole..."

"Now then, Gilda," Rainbow Dash ran over to Gilda and stopped a toe away from her. "This time, I don't want you running off so I can relish in my victory..."

"Oh, fine then..." Gilda took off her top and removed her bra, exposing her boobs to Rainbow Dash. "Take as long as you like, Rainbow Dash. You deserved it."

"My pleasure!" Rainbow Dash dove her face straight into Gilda's cleavage, making eating noises as she nuzzled away at her prize. The smile on her face as she did so was a large one; one that could only be rivalled by a euphoria foal, or a duellist who earned Gungnir, Dragon of the Ice Barrier in a card pack opening.

[I don't know how sex works...]

"Well, I'll give Rainbow Dash one thing," Gilda said to herself as she looked out onto the water on the top of a grassy mountain. "She knows how to eat out of a cleavage...

"Now then, I wonder what comes next in this parody of Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series?" Gilda thought to herself as a rather large figure approached her from behind.

"It's raping time!" Said a bulky red man as he grabbed Gilda and yanked her into the forest, muffling her screams as he put one of his hands over her mouth.

"Hey, everyone!" Cadence walked out of the bushes with her gauntlet around her right arm. She had six Star Chips and blankly stared at each of the girls with an innocent smile.

[prepare your anuses, fandom...]

"Cadence? What are you doing here?" Rainbow Dash asked when she had gotten a good look at her. "And furthermore, how do you qualify as a duellist?"

"Well, she has the Power Glove we're wearing, and six Star Chips around her wrist," Twilight mentioned, pointing out Cadence's winning. "So, I'd say she's a duellist alright..."

"Yeah... I guess you could say that..." Cadence said as she rolled her eyes to shrug off any suspicions from the girls.

"By the way, let's all say the names of our favourite cards so that it becomes relevant in the next episode," Twilight said as the five girls now all had their decks out and were looking at each of their cards.

"My fav's this one. The Rainbow Paladin." Rainbow Dash held up her card.

"Ah got me this Famed Cowgirl when I was a kid." Applejack showed the group her card.

"And I've kept my Cake Curator with me throughout the time we've been here..." Pinkie Pie looked at her monster, then revealed it to the group.

"And I'm the Dark Starswirl," Twilight smiled as she held up Starswirl the Bearded dressing up as the Dark Magician. "What about you, Cadence?"

"Well, I'm particularly a fan of this one," Cadence held up a card that showed Shogo Makashima from Psycho-Pass; an anime villain who relied on others to commit crimes for him, while he could get away with everything and lower his Psycho-Pass with no matter what he did or said. "Oops! That's the wrong card. My real favourite is this one, Wolf in Sheep's Clothing. It accurately portrays my character and is one of my most important traits for the whole series.

"So, shall we duel for fun, Twilight?" Cadence asked as she sat down by a tree stump and put her deck down on a mat, throwing out a second one for Twilight's deck and cards.

"Sure, Cadence. It'd be a nice break from all these pressurising betting duels we keep facing..." Twilight sat down on the other side and put her deck down. "By the way, I like the motion you're making with your eyebrows. It's as if you really are a wolf in sheep's clothing..."

Cadence's brows then turned malicious as her eyes flashed green.

"You know, Twilight. There's something I've been meaning to say to you..." Green flames wrapped themselves around the entire group as Cadence revealed her true form. "Just like in Season 2... you're still just as clueless!" Her voice changed dramatically as the flames burned all of Twilight's friends with intense heat, causing them to faint and reveal who Cadence really was.

As the flames dissipated, Cadence had become Queen Chrysalis. A woman who was known for taking the identities of others and violently duelling others in evil versions of Duel Ponies known as Tartarus Games. She smiled as she stood up and approached the unconscious Twilight and reached down for her deck.

"All these episodes, you've been hogging the screentime, prancing around and going in about the Magic of Friendship like some cartoon equine, when in reality, Duel Ponies is some really f :yay: ed up, really complex, and really evil s :yay: t!" Chrysalis spoke as she laid her hand on Twilight's deck. "When I take your deck and your identity, the whole fandom will know that I am the far superior and much more beloved character!"

Suddenly, a bright blast of purple light emanated from Twilight's deck, causing Chrysalis to stumble back and growl in pain as her hand let off some steam.

"Damn! That's hot!" Chrysalis said as Twilight suddenly grew her wings and hair, then stood back up slowly to face Chrysalis.

"Get your filthy swiss-cheese hands off of my shiny deck, you damn dirty ape!" Twilight said as she looked Chrysalis in the eyes with a burning desire to defeat her.

"Hello there, Yami-Twilight," Chrysalis smiled as she addressed Twilight's alter ego. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Approximately three seasons ago, to be precise," Twilight remembered the last time she and Chrysalis battled. "Tell me, what have you been doing in your spare time?"

"Spare me the namby-pamby conversations, Twilight Sparkle. You know why I'm here..." Chrysalis spoke with her own fire in her eyes.

"You want to be immune to bug spray?" Twilight tilted her head.

"Yes— Wait, what?!" Chrysalis saw that Twilight was joking with her. "No, you fool! I'm here because according to the writer, and the feasible logic behind this fanfic, I'm the Po-Ni-Oh! version of Bakura!"

"Oh yeah... I remember..." Twilight said.

"And that means we've come to the part of the series where our two yami-forms duel each other in a deadly Tartarus Game," Chrysalis explained. "If you've never played one, then it's just like a real Duel Ponies game. The only differences are physical pain is real, there are mind-bending illusions/deadly features for each attack landed, and the loser forfeits their soul to the Tartarus Realm..."

"Sounds like you're putting yourself at risk here, Chryssi," Twilight's smug attitude returned. "Doesn't that mean you'll just be killing yourself when I win?"

"You won't win, Twilight Sparkle. Because unlike the other duellists you've faced, I am a special case..." Chrysalis smiled evilly. "My deck will destroy you in mere split-seconds, leaving you as a walking vegetable who can only spew out gibberish and act like a baby at random intervals."

"Three words, Chrysalis," Twilight sat down at the tree stump with Chrysalis sitting back down on her side. "Bring. It. On..."

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[Apparently, Twilight didn't get any third-degree burns from both A Canterlot Wedding, and this fanfiction...]

Chapter 9: Killing With Cosplays

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 11: Someone's Gonna Get Sued Tonight...

After spending two-hundred minutes of hacking into Steven's computer system, an extra fifty downloading every remix of Tricks Up My Sleeve to his iTunes album, and almost half a day playing Candy Crush Soda Saga, I think it's time I went and confronted Steven... Trixie stood up from her chair and noticed that two strong men were behind her. Oh, c :yay: p! I've been discovered! There's only one thing to do at a time like this!

"Uhh... I'm the maintenance guy?" Trixie blushed and rubbed the back of her head as she spoke to the security that had cornered her.

"Yeah, right. Tell that to Mr. Magnet." One of the security enforcers wrapped his arm around Trixie's chest and began to forcibly jerk her form her spot.

"Hey! Hands off the merchandise, buddy..." Trixie said as she removed the guard's arm from her chest and merely walked out of the room. "Just get me to Mr. Magnet already. I have an appointment with him that's long overdue..."

Trixie was then escorted by the two buff men towards Steven Magnet's office. The journey was long and uneventful, with the guards humming songs from the Spice Girls. Through it all, Trixie felt like pulling her hair out in frustration.

"Ooh! I see that you have arrived at last, Trixie..." Steven Magnet said as he stood up from his fruit bowl, wearing female clothes which had been soaked in beer. "Forgive how I look, but these parties make me feel so naughty, naughty, naughty!"

"Yeah, yeah. We get that you're gay," Trixie deadpanned. "Now then, to discuss why I'm really here..."

"I know. You want to arrange a 1v1 duel against Twilight Sparkle's sexy alter ego, therefore restoring your credability. Am I right?" Steven correctly perceived as his left eye flashed red.

"How did you guess that without me finishing?" Trixie stumbled backwards in surprise.

"Because I'm a psychic ghost from the future who knows your worst nightmares and can summon them at will..." Steven smiled viciously. "Just kidding, I'm using one of the Seven Swaggenium Items to forsee the future..."

"So you're the undefeated maker of Duel Ponies, just for cheating?!" Trixie's blood was brought to a boil. "Well, s :yay: t. You've just doomed yourself with that truth. Now I'm going to leave the island and tell everybody that you're a big fat cheater, and that you can't deny that you're using a cursed artifact to win every duel placed in front of you."

"I'm sorry, do you think you could come a little closer and say that?" Steven Magnet prompted Trixie to stand on a tile with special white lines. "Maybe step on that tile in front of you?"

"What I was saying was—"

"Goodbye, Trixie..." Steven pushed a button on his desk, causing a trap door to open underneath Trixie's feet.

Screaming as she fell down the hole, Trixie then said. "NowIunderstandhowitfeelstobetheRainboomswhenIpulledthisonthemduringRainbowRocks!"

*Kawaiiyah, tsukediaaaa, todekei, flyantwia giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii*

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

"You know, I feel like this tournament was all just some hoax by Steven Magnet because he wants to fight me again," Twilight came to the assumption as she and her four friends walked through the forest together. "Why else would he send me here to fight a demon, Thomas Elliot, and Kratos?"

"Maybe it's because he's getting some inspiration for a bad fanfic of his..." Rainbow Dash flipped her hand as she examined the darkened branches on the trees around her.

"Nah, that's what someone up there in the sky is doing..." Twilight looked upwards. "Who knows how many bottles of beer they had to drink to come up with something as uninspired and unoriginal as this?"

"It's almost like that one time where I stripped down naked after—"

"Eww! Gross, Cadence!" Rainbow Dash cut her off before she could finish. "Leave those stories for your husband, or boyfriend, or whatever he is..."

"Why is it gross?" Cadence asked as she shifted her shoulders.

"Yes. What's so gross about a girl talking about how she stripped herself naked in front of a crowd of males and danced by tenderly rubbing a pole and swinging around on it?" Twilight asked.

Nothing much, when you think about it... Yami Twilight appeared next to Twilight once more.

"Hey! What's that?" Applejack pointed out towards a nearby cloud of dirt approaching them, with a scream getting louder and louder as it moved.

A figure shot past them and smashed into a tree, letting out a deafening holler of pain as it's sphincter collided against it.

"There's only one person I know who screams like that..." Twilight ran over to check the figure, then gasped when the dust finally settled. "Trixie? Is that you?"

"What happened?!" Rainbow Dash ran over and helped Trixie back onto her feet, with her hand being yanked forward afterwards.

"Touch me again, and I'll tear your face off and post it on Facebook and Twitter..." Trixie said maliciously, then calmed down as she turned to Twilight. "Twilight, I know this is something you probably won't believe but—"

"Steven Magnet's a big fat cheater who screws the rules more than you and Seto Kaiba combined?" Twilight answered, causing Trixie to let out a gasp.

"You know as well?" Trixie was thunderstruck.

"Yeah. In fact, he whipped my ass into shape by playing some c :yay: py Saw parody with me," Twilight sighed, remembering how humiliating the duel was for her. "If that d :yay: :yay: ag hadn't been monologuing about something that made sense, then maybe I would have won in time..."

"Then you're the only one I can trust to defeat Steven Magnet; right after me, of course..." Trixie began walking towards the castle. "I'm going to climb back up the tower and massacre any of his security forces in the most gruesome and morbid ways possible. Then, I'm going to find the gay snake himself and challenge him to a duel, to prove that cheating is never the answer."

"But isn't the whole first series of Yu-Gi-Oh! just full of cheating due to the broken mechanics?" Twilight asked as she raised a finger. "And if that's the case, then shouldn't we wait until the Battle City saga to face Magnet fair and square?"

"Trust me, Twilight. I've read this series' story ahead of time," Trixie smirked. "I know that there's going to be an even bigger threat in the Battle City saga. She has golden hair, sexy hips, and commands one of three ultimate rare cards that will win her every single duel until she has her final clash with your sexy alter ego...

"And by the way, there's supposed to be a scene where me and Rainbow Dash have a short duel using the Beyblade Duel Disks I created," Trixie held up a briefcase, opened it wide, and then threw a disk to Rainbow Dash. "Don't ask why I combined the two games, I was bored..."

"You ready to lose, Trixie?" Rainbow Dash asked with veneer as she put her card onto the disk.

"Lose isn't a word I keep in my dictionary, Rainbow Dork." Trixie said gruffly.

"Three!" said Rainbow Dash.

"Two!" replied Trixie.

"One! LET IT RIP!" both of the girls said as they threw the disks onto the ground, watching them spin and project images of their monsters.

"Man. I liked it better when they just used massive arenas to duel..." Pinkie Pie said as the battle droned on and on and on, with each card only attacking when the two disks collided and bounced off of each other.

"Ah think Beyblade's gonna sue after this fight..." Applejack commented as Trixie and Rainbow Dash's monsters unleashed fatal attacks against one another.

"Go, Grima which I won from Snails! Attack Trixie and knock her onto the floor in the pimpiest of ways possible!" Rainbow Dash's disk generated a colossal dragon which completely shadowed Trixie and her monster.

"Star-Eyes! Counter Grima's attack because the Attack Points aren't shown in this battle, meaning you have more points because I memorized it!" Trixie commanded her Star-Eyes Ursa Minor to tackle the massive dragon, causing it to smash into the ground and cause Rainbow Dash's disk to fly into a tree and cut it down with one swift motion.

"I call BS on this new duel disk system!" Rainbow Dash shouted as her Life Points dropped to zero.

"Well go and drown your tears in a pool, Rainbow Dirt," Trixie watched Rainbow Dash kneel in front of her. "And besides, these were only the prototypes. Since they can defeat you, I can get to work on a new model. One where the entire playing field can just be on a device on your wrist instead of on these shoddy knock-offs...

"But first, I think we both know where we're going next, Twilight Sparkle," Trixie smiled as she patted Twilight's shoulders in appreciation. We're both going to the castle to expose Magnet for the faker that he is, whilst also rescuing Fuchsia and Lavender in the process."

"You are, but I've still gotta keep control over Rainbow Dash and the others." Twilight looked at her friends.

"Oh yeah, you believe in friendship..." Trixie remembered. "Well, don't let me stop you. You're a fine duellist and all, Twilight, but I'd hate to intervene with your matters on handling three brain-dead infants and one two-faced character with a massive following..."

"They're not brain-dead! All the brain-dead stooges were eliminated in the first few duels of the tournament," Twilight explained. "And besides, the girls get night terrors when I'm not with them."

"Rainbow Dweeb gets night terrors?" Trixie was interested. "Tell me more..."

"Well, one night, I heard her screaming and shouting at the top of her voice. She was a zombie being murdered by plant-life, and that they seemed to do impromptu musical numbers at any given moment in time..." Twilight explained. "She was screaming Barney the Dinosaur until I had to use a bucket of water to wake her up."

"OMEQG! That's so funny!" Trixie clutched her stomach with how much she was laughing at Rainbow Dash's story. "Rainbow Dash, frightened of singing plants? That's the best thing I've heard all week!"

"No fair, Twilight! You promised we'd keep that a secret!" Rainbow Dash grabbed Twilight by the scruff of her collar.

"Sorry, Rainbow Dash, but it was just too embarrassing to keep hidden..." Twilight smiled.

"Anyway, I'm off to rescue my two little sisters," Trixie said as she walked off, lightly chuckling under her breath. Singing plants scare Rainbow Dash. I can just taste the large number of retweets on Twitter and likes on Facebook when this story goes out...

"Ooh... Trixie's coming back, isn't she?" Steven looked out into the darkened island. All he could see were the other duelists making camps and roasting meat over fires. "Well, when she does, I'll have a very special little gift just waiting for her..."

"Mr. Magnet. I just deleted all of Trixie's downloads on your computer," a security agent walked into Steven's private office whilst holding a rectangular package. "Oh, and your new Cher album is here."

"Absolutely fabulous!" Steven said gaily as he skipped over to the box and twirled around as he grabbed it. "Tonight, we're going to have a sweet rave party whilst dancing to all of her songs! And the drinks are on me!"

"Well, it could be worse," the guard said to himself. "At least we're not playing Twister aga—"

"And then, we're going to play Twister together!" said Steven.

"F :yay: k my life..." the guard face-palmed...

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[So many lawsuits, so little time...]

[You know, plants are the number one cause of death these days, according to PopCap Games...]

Chapter 12: Crystals...

Rainbow Dash ran through a plane of darkness, with a peaceful song in the distance catching up with her. She screamed as it got louder, and prayed for a light to appear at the end of the nightmare she was running through.

"God, if you get me through this, I swear I'll give all of my winnings to Night Glider..." Rainbow Dash put her hands together and prayed, whilst running away from the noise which was increasing in volume. "O-o-Okay! I'll even sell my motorcycle, get rid of all of my tomboy stuff, and become the girliest, kid-friendly character in the whole fanfic!"

Eventually, Rainbow Dash crashed into a giant with a skirt and a star hairclip. She fell onto her bottom and skittered away from the giant, who struck her heart with fear.

"T-Trixie...?" Rainbow Dash saw that the giant was looking at her with a vengeful glare.

"I've seen some wimps in my time, but a wimp who's scared of children's cartoon flowers?!" Trixie mocked. "How pathetic. If anything, you should just go crawl back into the crib which you somehow climbed out of..."

Within seconds, Rainbow Dash's clothes were replaced by an enlargened diaper, a pink bonnet, and a pacifier around her neck.

"N-No! I'm not a baby!" Rainbow Dash denied.

"Doesn't look that way to me, Rainbow Dingus," Trixie smiled viciously as she prepared to throw Rainbow Dash away. "Now how's about you go back to your nuresery!" then she threw into the darkness, hearing her scream as she flew.

"AAAAGGGHHHHH!" Rainbow Dash screamed as she woke up in her camp sleeping bag. She caught her breath with heavy gasps and saw Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack getting up from their beds.

"Good morning, Rainbow Dash..." Twilight yawned and rubbed her eyes as she crawled over to the tent's flap and opened it, letting the sunshine stream in. "Let me guess... another night terror?"

"Uhh... No!" Rainbow Dash pouted as she crossed her arms. "I was just... uhh... practising!"

"Practicin'? Fer what?" Applejack asked as she put her hat on and twisted it to her favourite position.

"Yeah. How does screaming count as practice, Dashie?" Pinkie Pie smiled, oblivious to Rainbow Dash's torment.

"It's... for this Screamo band that Night Glider, Flash Sentry, and Normal Norman are inviting me to after this tournament's over," Rainbow Dash sighed in relief as she got out of the tent. "Anyways, let's not dwell on that. We've got another day of the Duel Ponies tournament today, and I still need to earn the other Star Chips..."

I think Rainbow Dash had another night terror... Yami Twilight spoke as Twilight climbed out of the tent after Rainbow Dash.

"Well, at least she wasn't screaming Barney the Dinosaur this time..." Twilight said with relief. "Though, I think we're gonna need some therapy for her once this is over..."

Twilight, do you even know how much therapy costs? Yami Twilight asked as she raised an eyebrow.

"Nope." said Twilight.

Exactly... Yami Twilight responded with her arms crossed.

*Your mind can make up the intro now*

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

"So, how many references has Friendship is Magic made so far, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked as the group approached a cave with a cliff-side waterfall.

"Oh, let's see. There's been a number of Indiana Jones lawsuits, the lawsuit against This Day Aria courtesy of The Little Mermaid, the lawsuits from Bioshock Infinite, Futurama..." Twilight then listed off every single reference she could think off. "...and most recently, Barney the Dinosaur with the latest episode..."

"Jeez... With all those lawsuits to go through, Hasbro might have lost the one thing that holds their conspiracy plot together..." Rainbow Dash put a finger to her head and thought about the angry companies who would go against Hasbro.

"Oh, they're Hasbro. They're so evil, they'll come up with a counter-claim for all the references and jokes they've made..." Twilight reassured Rainbow Dash.

"Listen, everyone. I've got the perfect way to defeat these lawsuits." M. A. Larson from the Big Five said to the rest of the board.

"Yeah? What is it?" Jayson Thiessen asked.

"We simply write apology letters to each and every argument, saying that we were drunk and that we needed to put a random reference in at a random point in each of the episode we offended," Larson explained with a few twists of his hand. "That way, we'll be free of the trouble in no time..."

"Or they're totally screwed over more than Cinemaquestria." Twilight quipped.

Little did Twilight know that three figures were watching the group from the nearby cliff edge. One of them was grey with black hair, another one was blue and had canine appearances, and the other one was a smaller one with floppy cheeks.

"Crystals! (She's right. Hasbro's going to die!)" the black one said.

"WIth all those lawsuits, Hasbro should be hiding their bones where the mutts from their arguments can't find them." said the big blue one.

"Look at that! It's Twilight Sparkle!" the third and final one of the group spoke as it pointed towards Twilight and held his tongue out like a dog. "Sombra! Fido! Do you know what this means?"

"Crystals? (Sexy b :yay: es for us all?)" Sombra guessed.

"A mountain of meat for us to cook?" Fido asked.

"No, you idiots! It means that Bandit Rover will pay us extra if we can eliminate her from the tournament!" said the one with the floppy cheeks. "Let's hide behind the mountain and slink away like the stealthiest ninjas in the world!"

"Crystals!" Sombra grunted in agreement as the three of them vanished.

"So... Twilight Sparkle is her name?" Bandit Rover asked as he looked down at the photograph of the opponent he had his eyes on. "And she has all the Star Chips already?"

"Yes, Rover. She is the one we must strike down so that you can have a rematch with Mr. Magnet for shaming you in front of the eyes of hundreds of thousands of Duel Ponies enthusiasts!" said the small one.

"Excellent work, Spot, Fido, and Sombra," Rover tossed two bones and one large gemstone to his three minions. "When we take Twilight down, not only will we become the main characters, but we'll also have money, powerful and rare cards, and the chance to overthrow Mr. Magnet and drive him into poverty!"

"Crystals Crystals Crystals... (I can just see him lining up in the soup kitchen whilst wearing rags right now...)" Sombra envisioned.

"Twilight, I gotta go pee over by the convenient freshwater pond right over there," Rainbow Dash said as she walked over to the area, pulled down her skirt, squatted over the water, and began to pee. "I love being a total d :yay: k to the environment..."

"Tell me something, Sombra," Bandit Rover began talking as they wandered deeper and deeper underground via a mining elevator. "Have you ever seen what a Diamond Dog diamond mine looks like in the Equestria Girls world?"

"Crystals. (No.)" Sombra gruffly responded.

"Well, it's just like any regular diamond mine, but the workers here are all so into keeping dogs as pets that they've become half-dog themselves," Rover explained. "It's pretty f :yay: ed up if you ask me...

"Now since we're underground, I'm going to become that obvious traitor from Resident Evil 1," Rover put on a pair of black shades as he and Sombra arrived at the bottom floor of the mine, where a Duel Ponies arena laid. "Oh, and spoiler alert, I'm gonna betray you."

"Crystals?! (What?!)" Sombra looked stunned.

"I mean that guy from Resident Evil is gonna betray you," Rover made Sombra forget his suspicions. "But come on. He wears sunglasses. Indoors. At night. 100% Confirmed d :yay: :yay: ag..."

"Hey, boss!" Fido called out as from the highest part of the cave, then slid down the side with Spot and an unconscious Rainbow Dash. "We found this weird rainbow-hair girl hanging out with Twilight Sparkle. Do you want us to use her as a bargaining chip to get to Twilight?"

"No, but we will take all of her Star Chips to get me closer to the finals," Rover smirked as he instructed Fido and Spot to carry Rainbow Dash onto the blue podium. "That way, when Twilight Sparkle realizes that one of her friends is missing, she'll cry like a baby and run all the way home, making me the main character of the show for getting rid of her from the game!"

As Rover laughed evilly, Rainbow Dash grunted and groaned as she woke up and realized she was on a Duel Ponies podium. "Wh-where the hell am I?"

"Crystals!" (You're dead, punk!)" Sombra yelled as the arena activated with his deck on the podium. "Crystals Crystals! (So hand over your deck and Star Chips!)"

"Oh no! It's another brain-dead stooge!" Rainbow Dash stumbled backwards, hitting the metal bar of the podium as she did so.

"The last I saw Rainbow Dash, she took a pee in that nearby pond, then probably used leaves to clean up after herself," Twilight said, investigating the place where Rainbow Dash had been stolen away. "If she wanted something to wipe her ass with, she could have just borrowed the signed toilet roll I keep with me for just such an occasion..."

"Why do you even keep a toilet roll with your name on it in the first place?" Pinkie Pie asked. "And here I thought I was random..."

"Please, Pinkie Pie, this is something far beyond yourself," Twilight said as she caressed the toilet roll and brought it closer to her cheek. "This is between me, and the two-ply..."

"Crystals Crystals! (Now I activate the broken version of Call of the Haunted!)" Sombra said as he activated a trap, causing all of his destroyed monsters to rise from the grave. "Crystals Crystals Crystals! (Now, all of my slaves return, but as Zombie-Type monsters!)"

"Thank god every Yu-Gi-Oh! series after GX fixed that issue..." Rainbow Dash said as she stared down all of the zombies she had just defeated.

"You're about to lose, dork! Sombra has never lost after playing Call of the Haunted," Rover gloated. "You might as well give up those Star Chips and run right now..."

"No way. With each broken rule, there's also a broken solution as well," Rainbow Dash showed confidence. "It's how games like this always work during the pre-alpha build..."

"By the way, is this going to be one of those caves where we think we're totally safe from harm, but then all of a sudden we activate some random booby trap and start running for our lives?" Cadence asked, failing to realize she had activated a secret switch by pushing a part of the cave in.

"Cadence, remind me to murder your sweet and goofy side when we get back to CHS when this is over..." Twilight face-palmed as a rumbling could be heard from the entrance.

All of a sudden, rocks began falling from behind the group, causing the entrance to become completely destroyed and unaccessible. Screaming, everyone ran into the cave as fast as they could.

"Why does this show make no feasible sense?!" Applejack asked as she narrowly evaded a falling stalactite

"It's because the writer has a serious drinking problem!" Twilight screamed as they approached the diamond mining pit where Rainbow Dash was duelling.

Rainbow Dash and Sombra could hear the falling rocks from the arena, followed by the screams of Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Cadence. A cave exploded out of nowhere, launching the four girls into the mine and down the slopes until they reached the floor.

"Oww... I haven't felt that much pain since I watched the Twilight saga on repeat for 24 hours..." Twilight said as she rubbed the back of her head.

"Twilight! I'm so glad you're here!" Rainbow Dash said with glee. "With your support, I can beat the last brain-dead stooge on the island and give us some actual competition for the finals!"

"How did she get into the mines?!" Rover demanded as he banged his fist against the stone he was sitting on.

"Don't look at me, grotesque dog-human hybrid," Twilight pointed a finger to Cadence. "Blame Ditzy Doo the 2nd here for our entry into your private diamond mine underneath the island..."

"It doesn't matter anyway," Rover returned his attention to the duel. "Sombra's overpowered and broken zombies are about to destroy your pathetic friend and have her give up all of her Star Chips. So I advise you say your last goodbyes to this loser before she loses..."

"The only one saying goodbye here is you, you... ugly..." Twilight was having trouble coming up with an insult.

"I'm waiting..." Rover put a hand on his chin and drummed it with his fingers.

"Trust me, it's easier to make up insults when Yami's in control of my body..." Twilight explained.

"Anyway. I think it's time we put this dog down!" Rainbow Dash joked as she played her card. "Go! Deus Ex Machina card! Flip the Attack and Defence Points of every monster on the field. Giving my monster a power boost whilst leaving Sombra's monsters with zero points to threaten me with!"

"CRYSTALS! (NO!)" Sombra screamed.

"Now, Little Mac from Punch Out! Finish off Sombra and win me some more Star Chips!" Rainbow Dash announced, having a small boxer in green shorts and boxing gloves punch one of Sombra's zombies so hard that it collapsed entirely on the spot.

"Crystals... (I knew I should have auditioned for Strawberry Shortcake...)" Sombra said dejectedly as his points hit zero.

"Nice win, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said as Rainbow Dash took the Star Chips from Sombra's wrist and put them in her own gauntlet. "You beat a moron who can only say the word 'crystals', and you're one step closer to getting into the finals with me. Surely, you're growing up fast..."

"Yeah," Pinkie Pie agreed. "By the next season, she'll be able to stand up to one of the three Equestrian God Cards which I'm not going to spoil because the writer likes to keep the audience on their toes..."

"Crystals...? (What...?)" Sombra asked as he tilted his head.

"Oh, and I've heard Sombra's going to die in that season..." Pinkie Pie chirped.

"Crystals! Crystals! (That's it! I'm out!)" Sombra stormed off in a huff.

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[God... why won't Season 1 end?!]

[Oh well, might as well play some Jackbox to relax myself...]

Chapter 13: Expecting Zecora? Think Again!

"Quickly! Abandon the mine and blow the place up!" Rover announced to all of the workers, causing everyone to be thrown into a panic. "We need to kill Twilight Sparkle and her friends so that we can become the main characters!"

"Why does everyone in this godd :yay: n fanfic want to kill me?!" Twilight screamed as she and her friends ran into a deeper part of the cave.

"Shut up! It's the writer's decision, not ours!" Rover explained as he and his crew took their way out of the mine.

"By the way, won't this just seal our fates and doom us to be destroyed by a mine that's supposed to cave in but doesn't until we think they were bluffing?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"That, or just lead us to even more racist stereotypes," Twilight shrugged. "One or the other..."

"Alright then, everyone place yer bets," Applejack said as the group wandered further and further down into the caves they had selected. "Are we gonna meet our end, or are we gonna run into some more racists along this path?"

"My money's on racists," Twilight said briefly. "What about you, girls?"

"Racists." Rainbow Dash said next.

"Death." Cadence spoke next.

"Racists." Applejack added.

"Racists." Pinkie Pie was last.

Suddenly, the group arrived at a massive room with chinese symbols engraved on the walls, ceiling, and floor. There was another Duel Ponies arena, but this one had four podiums. Two for the red side, and two for the blue side.

"Ni hao ma!" an asian man wearing an orange suit leapt down onto the ground in front of the group. He was bald and had a japanese symbol engraved on his forehead.

"Konnichiwa!" a second asian man appeared, but with a different look. He was also bald, but dressed in green, and had a different symbol emblazoned on his forehead.

The two asian men performed acrobatic tricks the likes of which could not be performed by any of the girls, even if they tried. It all ended with the two men landing next to each other and staring at Twilight and her friends.

"Greetings to you, Twilight and friends." the man in the orange coat started.

"This is where your journey ends." the green one said to carry on what his partner had said.

"I am Para, and he is Dox." Para smiled.

"And you are going home in a box!" Dox finished whilst swinging his hand like a knife.

"Seriously?!" Twilight face-palmed. "Just throwing the actual Para and Dox in this fanfic?! That's got to be the most uncreative and unoriginal idea the writer's ever had..." Twilight looked up. "SHADOWMANE! WE'RE HAVING A FIELD DAY ON EQG-ING CHARACTERS TOMORROW!"

"Who are you talking to?" Cadence asked, seeing Twilight had craned her neck skyward.

*Sod it. You know what to put here...*

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

"When I find Steven Magnet, I'm going to make him pay for capturing Fuchsia and Lavender," Trixie spoke to herself. "Though, in their defence, they're both Mokuba in this fic, so it's totally justified..."

"YEAH! I'm gonna get ya, Trixie!" Bulk Biceps emerged from one of the trees and charged at Trixie, before being immediately tripped up and knocked onto his head. "Ouch! My raging biceps..."

"Ahh, you seem like the kind of person who knows about how to get inside Magnet's castle," Trixie held Bulk up by his neck in a choking fashion. "Now talk! Don't make me have to go all Batman on your ass..."

"Alright, alright!" Bulk said, scrambling for breath as he felt Trixie tightening her grip. "I'll take you straight through his defences, just let me down!"

"Interrogation classes," Trixie smiled as she put Bulk down and let him catch his breath. Once he had, she and him began their walk towards the castle. "Best $30 I ever spent..."

"Long have we waited for you, Twilight." Para started a rhyme.

"Steven Magnget and you have a plight." Dox added.

"You must defeat us to get to his castle." Para activated the four-way arena.

"Lose, and your Star Chips go up your a :yay: hole." Dox finished.

"Women don't have assholes, they have vaginas and anuses," Yami Twilight said as she quickly took control over Twilight's body. "Just watch South Park, then you'll learn..."

"It was easier to rhyme that way." Para told Twilight.

"But enough about that. Now you two play!" Dox finished for him.

"Rainbow Dash, I hope you know how a Duel Ponies Tag Duel works..." Yami Twilight looked over at Rainbow Dash.

"You mean the kind of duel that no-one likes because it takes even longer to draw the cards you want?" Rainbow Dash asked as she shrugged her shoulders.

"Yes... that game..." Yami Twilight was accompanied by a thunderbolt out of nowhere. "To think that every Tag Force game on the PSP has this horrible excuse for a duel mode..."

"By the way, doesn't Zecora rhyme in Friendship is Magic? Why not have her here instead?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"The writer gave her a better role." said Para.

"One who makes the story whole." Dox added.

"She rhymes not in this, but she still tells the story." Para went on.

"Even if it's edited for being too gory..." Dox ended.

"So basically, Zecora was cast as Shadi?" Yami Twilight asked.

"Yes." both Para and Dox said together.

"Well, it kinda makes sense..." Rainbow Dash began to speak. "Both Zecora and Shadi are known for being a Deus Ex Machina in explaining the conflict or speaking in prophetic ways. And yes, Zecora does rhyme, but Shadi doesn't. Though, Wacarb didn't make Zecora rhyme in Ultra Fast Pony either..."

"Oh, I guess that makes sense..." Twilight accepted.

"You know, Mr Magnet doesn't use this entrance much," Bulk Biceps opened up a door to a hangar which had been overrun with leaves and ivy where the silver once laid. "He says that airships are so 'unfabulous' and don't go with his attitude..."

"Well, he's gay. Of course he wouldn't like airships," Trixie deadpanned as she and Bulk walked through the hangar towards another door. "Come to think of it, people who are afraid of heights wouldn't like airships either. Especially not the ones with see-through glass floors..."

"So, why did you come here anyway, Trixie?" Bulk asked as they walked out of then hangar and into a more metallic corridor. "It's not every day that the owner of Lulamoon Inc. comes to Mr Magnet's private island out in the Bermuda Triangle for affairs."

"I'm here because that pansy a :yay: hole captured Fuchsia Blush and Lavender Lace," Trixie explained. "Oh, and I'm here to expose him for the big fat cheater that he is because he uses some OP Left Eye of Darkness or something..."

"Yeah," Bulk Biceps sighed. "You know, he almost died stealing that eye from a witch from what I heard. Interesting how a simple gay man can defeat a sexy woman with four handguns and rip out her left eye in a brutal fashion..."

"You cannot defeat us, Twilight and Dash." Para started another rhyme.

"Our Gate Guardian will make you crash." Dox went on.

"Surrender now, or lose your swag." said Para

"It's not a hard choice, just wave the white flag." Dox finished.

"Rainbow Dash, we need to gang up on these creeps." Yami Twilight conversed with her partner.

"I've got a combo that never sleeps." Rainbow Dash started rhyming.

"Oh no! It seems we're rhyming as well!" Yami Twilight rhymed.

"Well, this fanfic just went to hell..." Applejack said.

"We can't go back home, we need to win!" Twilight slammed her fist onto her podium.

"And toss these asians in the bin!" Rainbow Dash growled.

"Now we're together, and our friendship is strong!" Yami and Rainbow Dash said together. "So prepare, Para and Dox, to be proved wrong!"

"This rhyming episode can kiss our asses..." Cadence declared.

"Well, it appeals to Shadowmane's masses." Para and Dox silenced Cadence.

"So, do you know where the prison cells are, Bulk?" Trixie asked as the two of them stopped in the middle of a stone-filled hallway.

"You fell right into my trap, Trixie! YEAH!" Bulk declared as he stomped on a tile, causing the room to become washed in red lights and deafened with an alarm. "Mr Magnet knew you'd try and interrogate me, so he devised this clever trap to kill you before you could make it to your little sisters!" the rest of the corridor was now filled with traps, as well as the walls beginning to close in on each other. "I hope you've done this sort of thing before..."

"Oh c :yay: p, I knew I should have spent the other $70 dollars on those Ninja classes..." Trixie said to herself as she threw herself into the traps, narrowly evading most of the obstacles in her path.

"I play the totally convenient Swap card! Causing the position of my Dark Starswirl, and Rainbow Dash's Deathwing to change places!" Twilight said as her monster switched places with Rainbow Dash's in a powerful burst of red and blue light. "Which would be totally inefficient for the actual Yu-Gi-Oh! card game..."

"Prepare yourselves, Paradox Brothers, because it's time for the Cataclysm!" Rainbow Dash fist pumped as Deathwing flew towards the Gate Guardian and buried it's claws into it. Then, all of a sudden, the monster was consumed in lava, cracked into pieces, and exploded in a volcanic eruption.

"Beaten by a W.O.W. joke..." Para kneeled down in defeat.

"Screw it, brother, pass me the toke..." Dox sighed as he took his deck off of the podium.

"That's all ten Star Chips!" Rainbow Dash jumped up and down as she plucked her winnings off of Para and Dox's gauntlets. "And since you have ten Star Chips, and I have ten Star Chips, you know what that means..."

"SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME FINALIST PARTY AT MAGNET'S CASTLE!" Twilight and Rainbow Dash cheered and jumped into the air in victory.

"This is it... the last trap of the corridor..." Trixie said to herself as she saw a bunch of laser pointers making a makeshift web to block Trixie from reaching the end of the corridor. "Now's the time to use the one tool I know for escaping situations like this..." she pulled out a black ball from her pocket and focused on where she was going to throw it. "Smoke bomb, go!"

Trixie threw the ball, creating a shroud of smoke through which she nimbly slipped through the lasers, preventing her from being shot. She landed on the other side of the doorway on her left knee with both of her hands raised towards the sides in victory. The walls slammed together, and Trixie fist-pumped in satisfaction.

"Trixie! You came to rescue us!" Fuchsia said as she and Lavender walked towards the black bars of their prison cell. They were both chained to the floor in massive cuffs, but they remained the same as when they had been captured.

"Well, why wouldn't I?" Trixie said smugly. "I'm Trixie Lulamoon, and I always look after myself, and everyone else related to my bloodline..."

"Hello again, Trixie. Man, you just keep coming back for more..." Steven coyed as he approached Trixie.

"Steven Magnet, I'm going to expose you for the dirty fraud that you always were and will be..." Trixie gritted her teeth and balled her hands into fists.

"And then you'll take us home, Trixie?" Lavender asked.

"Shut up, Lavender," Trixie said gruffly. "Mama's having the conversation with the big, bad meanie..."

"OK..." Lavender looked at the ground.

"By the way, Trixie, this eye does much more than see the future..." Steven smiled as his left eye flashed a foreboding shade of red. "Take a look at this!"

Both Fuchsia and Lavender writhed and wriggled in pain as they were engulfed in blood-red auras. They let out screams as the colours intensified, then fainted when Magnet thought they had suffered enough.

In Magnet's two hands, miniature plastic dolls of Fuchsia Blush and Lavender Lace appeared in his hands. They were almost the same as the real things, but their hairs could be shaped in any way he desired, and they had their Cutie Marks on their cheeks.

"I've found a way to turn Fuchsia and Lavender into rare Equestria Girls dolls that will never be released to the public," Steven Magnet explained. "And if these dollies aren't returned to the original owners, then your two girls will remain drooling vegetables forever..." he pointed towards the cage where both Fuchsia and Lavender got back up, but their eyes had been crossed and they were drooling like infants.

"No! Please! I'll do anything to get my two little girls back!" Trixie begged and pleaded as she got down to her knees.

"If you'll do anything, then I shall only ask one thing of you," Steven got Trixie to stand back up and listen to him. "You must simply defeat Twilight Sparkle in a duel. That's all. Win, and I'll give you your two little sisters back. But lose, and you become a baby-minded vegetable with your real personality stuffed inside a doll forever as well..."

"Seriously, that's it?!" Trixie felt thunderstruck. "I was trying to propose that to you from the moment I got on this island!"

"Well, your way would have been filled with boring paperwork and signing of paper," Steven responded. "This way is so much fun! And if you lose, I'll have three more dolls to play with, and three additional brain-dead stooges to toss into the middle of the sea, never to see the light of day as they try to figure out how to swim and survive in the middle of the ocean..."

Trixie growled, but reluctantly accepted. "Fine then, Steven Magnet. You've got yourself a deal. I'll defeat Twilight Sparkle, but I'll feel bad about being a mercenary for doing so..."

"And I'll pay you $3 billion if you win against her..." Steven singsonged.

"Screw the remorse, I'm definitely in!" Trixie smiled as she shook Steven's hand, making him grin evilly.

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[Just because Photo Finish and her band from Rainbow Rocks can become dolls for children to play with, that doesn't mean that Trixie, Fuchsia, and Lavender should be left out on all the fun...]

[I was so close to putting this chapter out tomorrow instead of today. In fact, it's 11:59 PM for me now...]

Chapter 14: She Had It Coming...

"At last! The sunlight!" Rainbow Dash climbed out of the underground by pushing a cellar door open as hard as she could. The doors flew off and smashed into pieces against the trees, letting the light stream into the cave. "After two duels in the darkness, I'm surprised that it's still the afternoon..."

"You'd think that with how long a duel lasts in Duel Ponies that it'd be just getting to the sunset by now..." Twilight looked at the sky, seeing that it was still blue, and that the sun was still high up.

"By the way, Cadence, why do you still have that Changeling Insignia?" Pinkie Pie asked, revealing a tattoo on the back of Cadence's neck. It looked like the silhouette of one of Chrysalis's Changeling Monsters from the Tartarus Game that Yami Twilight played.

"Oh, this? It's just a birthmark, nothing to worry about..." Cadence acted innocent, but a malevolent green flicker stirred in the pupils of her eyes when she turned away from Twilight's friends.

"Kind of a pretty important birthmark if it's supposedly one of the seven items of the apocalypse," Twilight quipped. "Aside from my crown, Magnet's left eye, Zecora's stuff, Adagio and Aria's pendants, and some random guy's scales, won't people be dying to burn off your flesh and violently cut a hole in that area just to get the item to add to their collection?"

"Oh..." Cadence then realized how much trouble she was in. She grabbed Twilight by the neck and said, "Twilight, get me fifty bucks! I need this birthmark burned out of existence now!"

*I can't animate stuff. It's funny really...*

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

"So, Pinkie Pie, I have to ask," said Twilight as the group approached the stairs of Steven Magnet's castle once again. "Why do we still know each other?"

"Oh, we're up to that episode?" Pinkie Pie felt shocked. "But that's the one where I have no personality than being the damsel in distress who gets mugged by an unnamed bully..."

"Listen, I'm not going against the script here, but I am telling you that if you don't recap the story, I'm gonna take my deck and stuff it so far down your throat that you'll be coughing up blood instead of confetti..." Twilight threatened.

"Oh fine then..." Pinkie Pie huffed and crossed her arms.

Before me and you met, I was a waitress at the local Nando's, Pinkie Pie narrated. It wasn't really much of a job, to be honest. All I was doing was going around and flashing my breasts as people who were already eating chicken, therefore making them feel bad about themselves by comparison...

"Hello! Welcome to Kentucky Fried Nando's Mc Pizza Hut!" Pinkie Pie said with a smile as the doors swung open. "Find yourself a table and get comfy hots—" Pinkie Pie twitched when she realized that it was Twilight and Rainbow Dash. Oh s :yay: t it's those toddlers from school! If I don't do something about this, they'll fill our customers with bulls :yay: t beliefs about the Magic of Friendship...

"So, Twilight, do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?" Rainbow Dash asked playfully. "A Royale with Cheese."

"Honestly, why do people keep on making that joke?" Twilight put a hand to her forehead.

"I know. At first it was funny, then it was something that was uncommon to say, and by the time 'Kingsmen: The Secret Service' came out in the movies, the joke had overstayed it's welcome..." Rainbow Dash agreed.

"Eat up and clean up after yourselves, girls," Pinkie Pie lavished their food with the medium hot sauce bottle. "And remember to tip your waitress..."

"I give Shadowmane 8%, and I give Hasbro 10%. Why in Faust's name would I give you 18%?" Twilight deadpanned as she and Rainbow Dash took their food.

After that, I was mugged by some random kid from school, Pinkie Pie jumped the story ahead to when she was being tackled and robbed by a kid with ripped sleeves and black hair. I would have lost all of my coupons if it wasn't for a wing-clad hero in purple. Namely, your sexy alter ego, Twilight...

"I need your deck, your boots, and your motorcycle," Yami Twilight said as the punk backed away from her. "Don't ask why I want a motorcycle. By the time Friendship Games comes out, every brony and pegasister in the fandom will be making a 'Friendship on Motorcycles' joke..."

"Screw you, Twilight Sparkle!" the bully said as it balled it's hands into fists. "I'm doing what an actual bully would do and fight whoever challenges me."

"That was your last mistake, buddy..." Yami held out her hand directly in front of the bully's face. "MIND CRUSH!

"Hasta la vista, baby..." Yami smiled as she picked Pinkie Pie off of the floor and gave her her wallet back. "Here you go, Pinkie Pie. As of now, we're best friends forever..."

"And that's how we became BFFs." Pinkie Pie smiled.

"Sounds like the lamest and most childish story in history..." Twilight was bemused.

"Hey, guys! Stop talking about the lame friendship sub-plot and let's get to Magnet's castle!" Rainbow Dash called from halfway up the staircase.

"Look! It's Trixie!" Twilight and the girls finished climbing the stairs, meeting with Trixie at the castle's front door. "And she's got an even more gruff face than usual..."

"Twilight. I've been waiting for this for thirteen whole chapters..." Trixie's voice sounded venomous and spiteful. "I'll finally defeat you and save my little sisters!"

"You mean your two female Mokubas?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Because of Steven Magnet, he's regressed their minds to infantile and idiotic states..." Trixie growled. "He promised me that I would get them back if I were to defeat you in a rematch..."

"But how?" Twilight tilted her head. "How is it possible for Steven to do such a thing to your girls?"

"Have you seen a Fuchsia Blush or Lavender Lace Equestria Girls doll at your toy stores recently, Twilight?" Trixie closed her eyes.

"No..." Twilight deadpanned.

"Exactly," Trixie spoke up. "Magnet made the world's first Fuchsia and Lavender Equestria Girls toys. And because it was so hard for my girls to comprehend, their minds were replaced with vegetables...

"Let's duel, contract!" Trixie pulled out her deck and the disk system which she had used to defeat Rainbow Dash.

"You're a terrible Deathstroke, Trixie," Yami Twilight appeared. "But what the hay? I'll take you on for a laugh..."

"Now then, to make this duel truly intense, we're going to be playing on two of the four tower roofs," Trixie explained whilst they they were standing on the roofs already. "This duel will be our final encounter, as the slightest bit of knockback will send us hurtling into the ocean, with jagged rocks being the last bit of land we touch before we die in unthinkable agony..."

"Meh, I've seen worse..." Yami shrugged.

"Taking all bets! I'm calling a 10-1 chance on Trixie Lulamoon, with a 500-1 chance on Twilight!" Pinkie Pie pulled out a betting booth and saw her friends gathering around it to frenetically make their bets.

"Because I ditched my colleagues like that one traitor from Resident Evil 1, I now have ten Star Chips!" Rover showed his wrist of ten Star Chips to Bulk Biceps, who let him through in seconds. "Who knew that betraying your closest friends could be so much fun?"

"Yeah! I know how you feel man..." Bulk said before the gate closed behind Rover once he was in the castle courtyard.

"Tell me something, Twilight Sparkle," Trixie grinned as she held up a card. "How does it feel knowing that you, the main character, are going to become the first Friendship is Magic character to lose her dominance over the storyline?"

"You mean I'm going to lose to an orphan?!" Yami Twilight said sarcastically.

"I— Wait, what?!" Trixie glared at Twilight.

"Yes, you heard me right," Yami went on. "I made the freaking 'Trixie/Kaiba is Adopted' joke, just like the bloody script told me to..."

"Who's idea was it to make me an orphan?!" Trixie shouted into the sky.

"Well, whoever they were, I'm sure they were making the right decision..." Twilight grinned.

"Twilight Sparkle. Don't push me..." Trixie's teeth began to grind. "You're a good rival, I'll admit. But there's no reason to stoop to the level of an internet troll who masturbates to making others angry for their own perso—"

"Look at me, everyone! I'm some makeshift magician who boasts on and on about my magic tricks but only likes to talk trash about other people and ponies!" Twilight began mocking and dancing idiotically in front of Trixie. "Screw the rules, I'm a toddler who loves to play wizard 24/7 and have sexual attractions to Ursa Minors and Majors!"

"That's it, Sparkle! You're f :yay: ing dead!" Trixie roared and stomped her foot violently on the castle, her teeth visible as she locked horns with her opponent. "I now combine my three Ursa Minors to completely mess around with the canon in Friendship is Magic to create a monster which will spell out your demise! A monster so powerful that the company almost censo—"

"Jesus Christ! Just summon your piece of s :yay: t monster already, you whiny baby!" Twilight shouted.

"Witness the unstoppable force of my Star-Eyes Ursa Major!" Trixie declared as the entire castle was overshadowed by a colossal purple bear.

The beast was so large, that both Trixie and Twilight were no bigger than it's pupils. It looked at it's opponent, then roared at a deafening volume, causing the sky to turn into a purple thunderstorm.

"Holy :yay: on a :yay: sandwich..." Yami Twilight stumbled backwards. "That thing's almost as powerful as the Three Equestrian God Cards in the next season..."

"How come?" Trixie asked.

"Well, one card only gains multiples of a thousand Attack and Defense Points for each card in the owner's hand, the second only has 4000 Attack and Defense Points, and the third one's power varies depending on the three monsters used to tribute for it..." Yami Twilight explained. "But anyways, I have just the card to defeat it...

"Go! Swarm of the Century episode!" Twilight flipped up a card that showed an image of a Friendship is Magic episode. "Use your power to turn one hairy diabetes in disguise into millions of diabetes in disguises!" Twilight's one parasprite then turned into hundreds, then thousands, then millions, and enough to make a complete copy of Trixie's Star-Eyes Ursa Major.

"Man, Twilight Sparkle really has a fetish for those bug thingies..." Rover examined the duel from a nearby window. "Kinda like my hunger for gems and vengeance...

"If it weren't for me being a complete scumbag, we could have been friends as well..."

"And now, I combine my Smooze with your Ursa Major, causing it to decay and grow weaker and weaker by the second!" Yami Twilight said triumphantly. "Eat that, show-off..."

"I'd rather die than lose again..." Trixie stood on the edge of her tower. "Now with one more attack, you can put me out of my misery, Twilight Sparkle..."

"Alright! Twilight's finally going to kill Trixie Lulamoon!" Rainbow Dash braced herself for the final attack.

"Serves Sethisto right for treating her like a god..." Pinkie Pie crossed her arms.

"Go on, Twilight! Kill me!" Trixie shouted. "Kill me and shorten the storyline down by a humongous margin of episodes!"

"No..." Yami Twilight knew what Trixie was planning and didn't want to go through with it "I know what you're doing, Trixie, and I won't allow it..."

The audience groaned as Twilight began to talk.

"We need you alive, Trixie Lulamoon," Yami Twilight explained. "Without your rivarly with me, you won't start the BOTB City Tournament, find the three Equestrian God Cards, see the new villain and her gang of hypnotized slaves, and eventually become one of the main protagonists in defeating the leader of a secretive cult..." Yami Twilight retracted her disk and called off the attack. "I forfeit the duel."

"Wh-What?!" Trixie stuttered as she watched what was happening in front of her eyes. "You're giving up? After all the time I had planned for this rematch?!"

"Screw it, Trixie. I have bigger fish to fry," Yami explained. "And besides, I'll actually feel sorry when I lose to Double Diamond because he convinces me to play a card that gives him and his cult power to erase the loser's personalities if they lose..."

"What?" Trixie asked.

"Nothing. You just go off and lie to Magnet saying that you won fair and square," Yami Twilight explained. "Meanwhile, I'll let regular Twilight take over and watch her hilarious reaction to what just happened.

"Uhh... Well then... this is... awkward..." Trixie was sheepish as she picked up her equipment and walked inside the castle. "I... guess I'll see you later then?"

"Yeah, yeah. You go and save your sisters, Trixie..." Yami reverted back to regular Twilight, who looked like she had been hit with a bolt of lightning over and over again in her mind.

"Alright then..." Trixie was still puzzled, but she still walked away nonetheless. Well, that was a weird rematch...

"So, Twilight, how do you feel?" Rainbow Dash asked regular Twilight, but got no response.

"Maybe she's traumatized by something..." Applejack guessed.

"So let me get this straight..." Twilight put it all together in her head. "According to what Yami said, my first actual loss will be at the hands of Double Diamond?"

"Yeah? What's so important about that?" Rainbow Dash shrugged.

"If my math is correct, that means Shadowmane's cast Double Diamond as Raphael, and either Party Favor or Sugarbelle as Alistair..." Twilight put a finger to her hand.

"Again, why's that important?" Rainbow Dash was still confused.

"Rainbow Dash, that means that Night Glider – your best friend who you were going to give half of your winnings to – will be cast as Valon..." Twilight finished the puzzle. "And if that's right, that means that Starlight Glimmer is Dartz in Season 4..."

"Well, this fic's just been ruined..." Cadence spoke. "Might as well sit back and watch the downvotes come, I guess..."

"Yeah, but first, we'd better get inside..." Twilight began to shiver. "It's much colder on a rooftop than you'd think..."

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[Hey, it could be worse. At least there isn't a pony who could be Siegfried in the World Championship arc in Season 5...]

[Also, my birthday is in thirty minutes. Look sharp, people!]

Chapter 15: Tricking Trixie

HORSE
PLAY

Episode XV

Tricking Trixie

After an intense duel on the ramparts of Steven Magnet's castle (Which totally isn't where he's masturbating to other duelists playing his game), Twilight Sparkle surrendered the duel because she knew that Trixie was integral to the plotline of the rest of the story.

Trixie, confused by Twilight's surrender, awkwardly walked away and entered Steven Magnet's castle to try and claim back Fuchsia Blush and Lavender Lace from his clutches. Unaware to Trixie, she is about to wander into a trap that could ultimately cost her her intelligence as well.

Meanwhile, the infamous Bandit Rover managed to earn ten Star Chips and awaits the day of the finals brackets. He ditched Spot, Fido, and Sombra and stole their chips to claim all of the money for himself.

As Twilight Sparkle is given time to assess the rest of the plot, she makes some surprising discoveries. She now knows that the rebel ponies from The Cutie Map will be a part of the Seal of Orichalcos Saga, and that Starlight Glimmer will be Dartz.

However, she couldn't have forseen this...

Also, sod the intro sequence in this episode, this is the best I could come up with on such short notice...

"So let me get this straight, Twilight..." Rainbow Dash was still trying to process what Twilight had told her after surrendering the duel to Trixie. "According to what Shadowmane PX-41 has planned, Double Diamond is Raphael, Party Favour is Alistair, and Night Glider is Valon?"

"Apparently," Twilight said. "I honestly don't know what drove him to make that decision. I mean, what about poor Sugarbelle? Doesn't she get some role in Season 4 of Po-Ni-Oh?"

"If she doesn't, a lot of her fans are going to lash out at the author and give him nothing but flak until they don't care anymore..." Pinkie Pie spoke up from the background.

"By the way, everyone, Gilda's here." Applejack said as she pointed towards Gilda.

"Hey, girls," Gilda brushed her hair as she addressed herself. "I heard that Twilight lost a duel to Trixie..."

"Well, not exactly that, Gilda," Twilight explained. "I forfeited because I knew she was important to the rest of the story. If she lost, then there wouldn't be any BOTB City tournament, no Equestrian God Cards, and no sexy-ass Po-Ni-Oh Marik either..."

"But even so, that's deep, Twilight," Gilda felt sorry for Twilight. "I haven't been that sad since they stopped making movies for me to bash on and complain about... Damn you, Marvel Studios..."

"You know, I've been reading this script for some reason," Pinkie Pie looked at the script for this chapter. "And it says that I'm supposed to duel Gilda here, even though I have absolutely no experience in Duel Ponies and am nothing more than a bargaining chip for an upcoming Twilight V.S Rainbow Dash duel in the BOTB City tournament..."

"Yeah, about that..." Twilight ran over to the script and cut out the duel between Gilda and Pinkie Pie completely. "That's one of the parts that Little Kuriboh must have been totally stoned when he wrote the original thing..."

"So, we've lost a good quarter of this chapter already, what's next?" Cadence asked as the group approached the doors of the castle.

"Oh, there's this scene where Trixie duels Steven Magnet in an attempt to get back Fuchsia and Lavender because he apparently knew that I surrendered," Twilight looked at what remained of the script. "Apparently, his Left Eye of Darkness makes him a Mary Stu until I challenge him in a duel that's so long and so intense that it takes up five whole episodes if it were made a real thing...

"Though, I guess that if would happen with Amelia and Starlight Glimmer as well in the upcoming seasons if they were made into lengthy animations," Twilight was given some time to think about the future. "Or maybe as animations that would last over an hour..."

"But let's be real here, who really wants to animate five-part episodes when Twilight battles Steven Magnet, Yami-Adagio, and Starlight Glimmer?" Rainbow Dash asked.

[Yeah, you'd have to be really dumb, lazy, or out of your mind to animate that sort of thing...]

"Well, this is it, Steven Magnet's castle," Gilda put her ten Star Chips into the padlock ring around the centre of the door then twisted it. The gears grinded and sprung into life, opening the doors wide for Twilight and her friends to enter. "Once we step forward, there's no turning back, even though in here, the rules are still as broken as ever..."

"I just can't wait to get to BOTB City. That's when they balance out high-damage monsters with the Tribute rule," Twilight explained. "In the future seasons, we'll need to sacrifice one monster to summon a Level 5 or 6 monster, and then two monsters for a Level 7 or higher monster. And I don't know about you, but I think Trixie's going to be pissed off at that rule..."

"Hold on, little ladies!" Bulk Biceps ran in front of Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Cadence. "This club's specifically for duelists only. No scrubs allowed!"

"Oh, come on, Bulk," Pinkie Pie spoke pleadingly. "We went through this exact same rule back at the border patrol gates in Chapter 4. Can't you look in your heart to add spectators for this part of the tournament?"

"No! Mr. Magnet's tripling his security this time!" Bulk shouted. "Bandit Rover is planning to assassinate Magnet because he pissed him off at the Duel Ponies Expo two years ago! He wants no civilians allowed. Only duelists!"

"Well then, you can't say I didn't try..." Pinkie Pie reached into her hair and pulled out a stun gun. She then pointed it at Bulk, then squeezed the trigger, watching flail and shake wildly as he was electrocuted by the high voltage. "Pinkie Pie always comes prepared, Bulk. Try reading a book instead of flexing your pecs..."

"Did you just kill someone, Pinkie Pie...?" Twilight was horrified at what she had just witnessed.

"No, silly. Just hurt him a little, he'll be fine..." Pinkie Pie smiled as the group walked inside and shut the doors behind Bulk. "In the British dictionary, 'Electrocution' also means to injure someone with an electric shock. Unlike America, who always believe that electrocuting someone means killing them..."

"In America!" Rover shouted to himself as he peered over the balcony and looked at an arena. "I always wanted to say that..."

"Hey you!" Rainbow Dash called Rover out as she and him locked gazes. "Bandit Rover. The Master of Mines, the Demon of Diamond Digging, and the King of Cartels... I'm gonna kick your canine butt straight back to the doghouse, then maybe later I'll rip out some of your bones and give them to you for you to bury in the prison yard!"

"Save it for the ring, pipsqueak," Rover shrugged Rainbow Dash off and saw Steven Magnet and Trixie appear on the sides of the arena with their decks ready for a duel. "And on that note, save it for another day. It's time for the good part of this episode; the one where we get to see Steven Magnet's deck in action so that we can find a way to counter it when one of us faces him in the Title Match..."

"Well, Magnet, I upheld my side of the bargain and defeated Twilight in a duel," Trixie calmly crossed her arms. "Now release the souls of Fuchsia and Lavender!"

"Nuh uh uh, you didn't say the magic word..." Steven Magnet waved his finger gaily. "And besides, you know you can't fool a future-telling villain now, can you, Trixie-girl?"

"You mean that—"

"I know what happened, Trixie Lulamoon of Lulamoon Inc. You threatened to kill yourself, forcing Twilight to surrender because you knew that MLP characters don't kill," Steven explained. "And you think that a surrender counts as an actual defeat?"

"For the moment, I kinda did..." Trixie smiled.

"Well, it doesn't, Trixie-girl. And you know what? I'm actually quite furious that Twilight is still undefeated fair and square..." Steven's voice got louder. "So to take out my rage, I'm going to put you in the ultimate duel. One where I already know your deck, every move you'll use, and will be able to counter every single move you make with merely a thought. Then I'll watch High School Musical and Equestria Girls 1 to calm myself down and regain my cheerful composure..."

"Even though I know there's going to be no chance in success, I'm still going to challenge you anyway," Trixie declared as she drew her first hand from her deck. "At least I'll get a T-shirt that says 'I Dueled Steven Magnet' from this..."

"And now I play the magical Equestria World!" Steven said with a spring in his step as a book opened up, revealing a crude pop-up rendition of Ponyville and Canterlot. "This allows me to take these drab Equestria Girls models we're all using, and give these fans some actual ponies for once. Starting with you, The Great and Powerful Toon Trixie!"

In seconds, a cartoon horse version of Trixie with dimples and large cheeks appeared. It used her horn to create harmless magic and bring flowers to the ground it walked on. It whinnied, then giggled as it's position on Magnet's field.

"You took the most beloved MLP character and turned her into a five-year-old look alike..." Trixie was stunned at what she was seeing. A small pony version of herself was fighting on Steven Magnet's side of the field. "You have issues, Magnet. But then again, all gay people do..."

"Are you saying that I'm gay, Trixie-girl?" Steven was caught off-guard. "I'll have you know that the term is homosexual, and that people like me are not freaks. We're just a little, what's the word? Misunderstood?"

"No. I'm pretty sure gays and lesbians are total freaks who don't even deserve to live," Trixie spoke with a huff. "And speaking of not living, I'm gonna cream that cute little faker with my Star-Eyes Ursa Minor!"

"Yep. Really glad that BOTB City's coming after I beat Magnet..." Twilight sighed as she watched the duel continue.

"Now it's time to see who's the real magician here. Me, or the cartoon horse that's much too young to be me!" Trixie declared as her monster was about to make an attack. "And let me tell you right now, it's not the Trixie that's not me! Star-Eyes! Swallow that horse whole and terrify every little boy and girl everywhere!"

The Ursa-Minor charged in on Toon Trixie, bearing it's fangs for a fatal bite. It was about to strike it's mark, when it saw the cuter version of Trixie suddenly conjure a lightbulb above her head. Seconds before the teeth could impale Toon Trixie, it leapt onto the head of the beast and pretended that it was an ice-skater.

"Sorry, Trixie-girl, but you know toons these days," Steven chuckled as Toon Trixie giggled and performed tricks on the back of the Ursa-Minor. "They're just like children. If they're not kept under control, who knows what could happen?"

"I'm gonna rip that horse into thousands of tiny little red pieces and sell each individual part of it on Ebay!" Trixie shouted as the Ursa-Minor tried it's best to strike at the toon, but with no avail. "Just hit it! It's a tiny cartoon horse! How hard is it to hurt or kill a cartoon horse?!"

"Pretty hard..." Twilight said from the balcony. "The way your monster's attacking, it's got more chance of attacking Sweet Apple Acres and leaving Miss Pariah here homeless..."

"Shut up, Twilight!" Applejack and Trixie said together as the attack continued.

"Toon Trixie, let's give this Ursa-Minor a real show, shall we?" Steven chuckled, prompting Toon Trixie to jump off of the Ursa-Minor and prepare a counterattack. Toon Trixie giggled and laughed as it charged up a magical spell, and she had already enveloped Regular Trixie's monster in a veil of light blue magic. "Destroy Trixie's monster with child-friendly un-aliving spell!"

Toon Trixie fired a bolt of energy at Trixie's Ursa-Minor, causing it to groan and howl in agony as it started to crack up. The bolt intensified, shattering the beast completely and striking Trixie directly in the heart.

"No..." Trixie teared up as her Life Points hit zero. "Fuchsia... Lavender... I failed you..."

"Yes, you did, Trixie-girl," Steven's Left Eye of Darkness glowed violently. "Let this be a lesson to you, Trixie Lulamoon. If you want something done right, you actually have to defeat your problems instead of intimidating and forcing them to withdraw..."

Trixie clutched her chest as she felt something being ripped out of her body. She glowed a shade of crimson, screaming as she was suffering the same fate that had befallen her two sisters. Writhing in pain, she eventually lost control of her body and flopped her arms down, yet still being able to stand on her own two legs.

Steven Magnet chuckled evilly as a doll version of Trixie appeared in his hands, complete with the hat and wizard's coat she wore. As he petted the hairs, he watched as Trixie stared off blankly into space.

"Now, now, Trixie-girl, I did you a favour by removing your soul and putting it in this dolly," Steven said as two of his security forces put Trixie on her hands and knees. "Now you don't have to worry about thinking of anything. All those big, scary, grown-up thoughts about being Twilight's rival are long gone, and you can be as childish as Toon Trixie now...

"Stuart? Neil? Escort Trixie to the nursery please," Steven instructed his men, watching as they picked Trixie up and draped her across their shoulders. "And while you're at it, have Jonathon, Joe, James, and Joanna bring Fuchsia and Lavender across as well. She needs some friends, after all..."

"Well, that was confusing..." Twilight watched as the two duelists were quickly escorted away from the field. "I haven't seen such a bad plot twist in years..."

"Well, it could be worse," Rainbow Dash smiled smugly. "At least it wasn't directed by Michael Bay..."

"Yeah, then it'd be an abomination of mankind..." Twilight agreed.

You said it, Twilight... Yami-Twilight appeared next to her.

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[In the british dictionary, we spell color and armor with 'U's, making them 'colour' and 'armour'.]

[Oh, and can we all agree that Steven Magnet is the perfect Po-Ni-Oh! version of Maximillion Pegasus at this point?]

Chapter 16: Plotdumping

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 17: Let's Get This Over With!

Author's Note

You know, I would just toss adverts all over the place, but I'm too pro for that. I mean, I have both Netflix and Sky Plus HD...

Chapter 17: Let's Get This Over With!

"Welcome to the Card Game Channel!" an announcer was speaking through a live broadcast on a television monitor. The screen randomly flipped through different pictures of Steven Magnet's island before showing the castle where he and the finalists were preparing for their duels. "Today, we're coming to you live with exclusive live footage of the Duellist Island Semifinals. But first; a word from our sponsors..."

Have you ever been injured in an MLP or EQG related accident that wasn't your fault?

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We can help you overcome any hard time; including:

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We'll Special Summon you some joy, right when you're on your last turn...

"Welcome back to the Card Game Channel!" said the voice as a logo of a card with the Elements of Harmony appeared in the centre of a screen with a green grid-like background. Names were flying up by the card, followed with pictures of the names and battles. "We're just about to begin with the first semi-final match of Steven Magnet's Duellist Island; Twilight Sparkle V.S Gilda."

"If you've been following the past broadcasts of the Card Game Channel, then you'll know full well that Twilight Sparkle is a lazy-ass who prefers a sexy alter-ego to do all of the duelling for her," the picture showed both Twilight and her Yami form. "And who can blame her? Her alter-ego is smoking hot! But jokes aside, her other half is capable of powerful strategies that a high-schooler like Twilight would never be able to pull off herself. With this in mind, she completely crushed Snips, Hush, Kratos, and many other contestants on her path to victory."

"Her opponent is the ruthless Gilda; a feisty opponent who talks a lot of game, but fails to deliver unless someone's there to bail her out," the screen then changed to Gilda, who was shuffling her deck for the upcoming fight. "Let's take a look at her track record before the duel begins.

"First she dueled Rainbow Dash; and lost badly. Her second opponent was Kratos, but he slaughtered her monsters with ease. Her final match before entering the finals was against Pinkie Pie, but the footage had been cut due to the graphic content and grimdark fetish fuel. No need to worry though; because she still lost that one," the screen showed all of Gilda's matches, then showed a blank screen with the words 'File Not Found' for the match with Pinkie Pie. "I think I speak for everyone when I say; how in the name of Faust did she even make it to the finals?"

"Now! I use Polymerization to summon my Gildash Dragon!" Gilda announced as a dragon emerged from rainbow-coloured flame. However, it had the exact same colour scheme of Gilda and Rainbow Dash, and somewhat bore the same face.

"Well, I guess this is one more dragon for the barbeque," Yami-Twilight played a monster of her own. "I summon D.D. Assailant! The most annoying D.D. monster in the game aside from Warrior Lady! And if she's going down, she's taking Gildash with her!"

The monster attacked Gildash, but then they both vanished in a flash of black light.

"Uh-oh. Gilda's in a tough spot. With her Gildash defeated, what will she do next?" the announcer said as both Gildash and D.D. Assailant were removed from play.

"Well, that's it. Everything's gone to s**t..." Gilda put her hand on her deck and said. "I surrender..."

"Well, that was anticlimactic. But then again, it was a duel with Gilda..." the screen showed Twilight walking away with her head held high in victory.

"We just got exclusive footage of a recorded interview with one of the other competitors in the Duellist Island tournament; Daring Do. Let's take a look..."

"Miss Do! Miss Do! Is it true that Twilight Sparkle refused to duel you after a near-death experience with your booby trap fetish?" A reporter asked as the screen changed to show Daring Do.

"It's not a fetish! And it's mainly Pinkie Pie's fault for setting that one trap off," Daring Do responded with heat in her voice. "I swear, with the way she activated every trap I had laid out, she would be completely horrible at being a spy..."

"Alright then. Well, is there any reason why she's in the finals instead of you?" the reporter asked.

"When you play too much Lara Croft, Metal Gear Solid, and Splinter Cell, you realize that there's obviously some conspiracy going down when something this big happens," Daring Do was already on the move towards a large patch of ivy. She tore it down, revealing a secret entrance into a dungeon-esque corridor. "See? Even though I lost, I'm going to find something even more valuable than the prize money down here; I just know it..."

"And we're back to the tournament!" the screen changed to show Bandit Rover duelling Rainbow Dash. "And you came just in time, as it looks like Bandit Rover's Cerberus Dragon is ready to finish Rainbow Dash off." The screen showed a massive dragon with three dog-like heads ripping Rainbow Dash's paladin to pieces.

"You know, Rover. For a dog, you're all bark and no bite," Rainbow Dash taunted. "I just hope you don't slobber and chew your cards next..."

"Are you implying that I'm a filthy dog, you pathetic excuse for a duellist?" Rover's face turned red. "I look nothing like a dog!"

"What was that? I couldn't hear you," Rainbow Dash said sarcastically. "I prefer howling dogs over yapping dogs..."

"I AM NOT A DOG! I HAVE THE SAME NAME AS ONE, BUT I LOOK NOTHING LIKE A DOG!" Rover lashed out, with spit coming out of his mouth.

"See? What did I tell ya? Every dog has its day..." Rainbow Dash saw as Rover's face turned red. "Do you have a bone to pick with me, Rover? Or do you prefer the name Puppy instead?"

"And that settles it, Bandit Rover is disqualified for attempted assault. The winner of this duel is Rainbow Dash!" said the announcer as Rover bit Rainbow Dash's leg violently and was then held down by Steven Magnet's security forces.

"Yay! We should have a slumber party to celebrate!" Cadence cheered from the observation balcony. "Do you wanna come, Pinkie?"

"How could I ever turn down a victory party for my friends?" Pinkie Pie smiled and put her hands together. "Now both Dashie and Twilight are in the finals. No matter what, the Magic of Friendship wins!"

"If I'm going down, I'm taking this snake with me!" Rover threw the guards into the abyss below, then leaped over towards Steven Magnet. He then bared his fangs towards his neck, like a vampire poised to strike. "Magnet! Tonight, the Diamond Dogs feast on flesh, you pitiful excuse for an EQG model!"

"What a mad dog this guy is... Let's put him down, shall we?" Steven smiled as he pushed a button on his throne, causing a collar to constrict Rover's neck. As he choked, Steven pushed another button with his foot. "Now let's see if this dog can paddle..."

As the floor disappeared beneath Rover's feet, he fell into darkness, screaming at the top of his lungs. After a long fall, he fell out of a cliffside hatch and into the sea below. He still wore the collar, but it had been loosened because he was no longer trying to assault somebody. A massive splash occurred when he impacted the water, but it quickly died down.

"And on that note, let's have another commercial..."

Next Saturday on a heart-breaking episode of Tirek and Pals...

"Tirek? What's wrong, honey?" Chrysalis asked as she looked at the wounded centaur lying in a hospital bed. "Why haven't you made Equestria grovel at your feet yet?"

"I'm dying of cancer, Chryssi..." Tirek coughed and groaned in pain. "And right after I was given parole..."

"But you can't die, Tirek! You're the symbol of the apocalypse!" Chrysalis cried in denial as she threw her fists onto the side of the bed. "And besides, who's going to look after our armies after they're gone?"

"They're already dead, Chrysalis... Wiped out by the tides of warfare..." Tirek coughed once again. "Now they're fighting in the great bloodbath in the sky..."

Don't miss the final ever episode of Tirek and Pals next Saturday at 8:30PM Eastern 5:30PM Pacific, only on the Hub Network...

"Welcome back to the Card Game Channel!" the picture showed the logo once more. "We're entering the final match of the Duellist Island Tournament, and it's a real tearjerker at that. A duel between childhood friends and overall BFFs; Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash..."

"Ever since they were toddlers, Rainbow Dash and Twilight sparked an immediate friendship," the screen showed a montage of Rainbow Dash and Twilight's years in the kindergarten, then in elementary school, then to their years at CHS. "Though it got rougher around the edges with age, the two of them were still friends forever no matter what. Overcoming many hardships together, the two deserve to be in this final match together. But no matter what happens, they're obviously both obsessed with the game..."

"This is it, Twilight. You and me, one-on-one..." Rainbow Dash crossed her arms and smiled as she eyed up her final opponent. "Best friends forever, now rivals for the match that'll close the tournament once and for all..."

"And even though I'm the main character, I'm still gonna be an honourable duellist and say; may the best player win..." Yami Twilight smiled as she plucked her first five cards. "Though it's most likely going to be me..."

"Well, we'll see about that..." Rainbow Dash had her five cards at the ready.

"Let's duel!" both Yami-Twilight and Rainbow Dash shouted as the duel continued.

"And we'll be right back after this commercial..."

Recruiting up two members for a band: $30.

Installing a trapdoor in an outdoor performance stage: $100.

Buying a badass guitar that looks like the coolest thing on the planet: $12,000.

Turning your best friends into Equestria Girls dolls that will never be released to the public because the designs of my two bandmates are so hard to render and give voices to: Priceless.

There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's Lulamoon Inc.

"And we're back. And let me tell you, the duel went by so fast that we were unable to get any footage of it," the broadcast once again returned to the Card Game Channel. "But luckily, we have the winner.

"That's right; Twilight Sparkle won the Duellist Island Tournament. But mostly, the honour of victory goes to her alter-ego," the screen showed Twilight and Yami-Twilight with the word 'WINNER' in gold letters. "I mean seriously, Twilight's wimpy schoolgirl side didn't even participate in one duel..."

"Here, Twilight. To the victor go the spoils..." Rainbow Dash gave Twilight the card for the prize fund.

"No, Rainbow Dash. I'm not in it for the money," Twilight generously gave the prize money back to Rainbow Dash. "I entered this tournament for a far greater prize; beating Steven Magnet's homosexual ass all the way back to Glee. But you can have the money instead. I hope it helps your Screamo band an awful lot..."

Rainbow Dash teared up at Twilight's generosity, then pulled her into a sudden hug and cried with a smile on her face.

"Thank you so much, Twilight!" she said. "You really are a true best friend forever..."

"And that's all for our coverage on the Duellist Island Tournament. After hundreds entered, one winner has finally been crowned," the announcer said. "Join us after these twenty-five commercials for the title match; Twilight Sparkle; the Princess of Card Games. V.S Steven Magnet; the Creator of Card Games. Don't miss it!"

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[Man, sports channels suck all kinds of ass if they can't even show the good parts of a game...]

Daring Do put her back towards the wall when a guard came patrolling down the corridor. She was cornered, and she had no way of escaping detection. The second the guard looked at her, a red exclamation mark appeared over the guard's forehead, promping Daring Do to make her escape.

"Get back here!" the guard fired a gun shot at Daring Do, who casually dodged it like it was nothing. He watched as she ran another corner and pursued after her.

The guard ran past a box, which shuffled as soon as he had left. From the inside, Daring Do smirked and said, "Sucker..."

Chapter 18: Sexy Princess VS Homosexual Creator

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 10: Blood and Guts (Not the guts you're thinking of, though...)

Author's Note

I've just seen something truly terrifying. It was me drinking too much and seeing a child-friendly version of this fanfiction...

Chapter 10: Blood and Guts (Not the guts you're thinking of, though...)

"Not again..." Gilda face-palmed as all three of her Griffon Ladies were destroyed by a massive sword swing from her opponent. "Why is it that Griffon Ladies are so easy to defeat these days? Are they skipping their training regimes or something?"

"You weak and pathetic mortal! You could not hope to stand up to my onslaught!" said Gilda's opponent. He was pale white, but his body – mostly his two arms – were covered in blood, and he was wearing a Greek toga. "The next time you enter Duel Ponies, you will have learned that my deck is one known to spread fear, death, and undefeatable streaks!"

"Come on, everypony! Time to rescue Gilda just like the Avengers rescued Marvel's credability!" Twilight said as she and her friends all ran towards the arena where Gilda had been defeated.

"Hi, Gilda!" Rainbow Dash smiled as she looked at Gilda, then turned her attention to who had defeated her. "Who's the big jerk with the blood on his arms?"

"You are right in saying that I am a jerk, but my name is Kratos!" he said, flexing his bloody muscles. "I have slaughtered armies, demigods, the whole Greek Pantheon, and much, much more! And now I seek to win the Duellist Island Tournament and spill the blood of Steven Magnet as my greatest prize of all!"

"What did Steven do to piss you off?" Twilight asked.

"He cosplayed as Ares during last year's BronyCon." Kratos said gruffly.

"How does that anger you?" Twilight asked, then felt Rainbow Dash tapping at her shoulder.

"Have you even played the God of War games, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Ares is a massive d :yay: :yay: ag who made Kratos kill his own mother and daughter thinking that it was to appease him..."

"Every time I see Ares as a cosplay, I go berserk and murder whoever I meet in Duel Ponies!" Kratos explained. "Gilda was far too easy of a challenge for me. And because of the island's rules, I now get her Star Chips, taking my grand total up to twelve!"

Hot damn! Those are some rigid muscles... Yami Twilight said as a projection of herself appeared next to Twilight.

"Wait, you have twelve Star Chips already?" Regular Twilight spoke to Kratos. "Then why not just go to the castle and wait for the other finalists?"

"Because I have heard that you are a god. And I hate gods!" Kratos leapt onto the red podium and drew his swords. "Twilight Sparkle! You and I will duel in Duel Ponies. The winner gets to murder the other in cold blood!"

"Very well then, you pompous Greek jacka :yay: ! Let's duel!" Yami-Twilight said as she took control of Twilight's body.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Ponies
Teenage Mutant Ninja Ponies
Teenage Mutant Ninja Ponies
Heroes wearing cosplay, Pony Power!

Here we go with the four EQG teens
On the scene, sweet teens living out their dreams
So extreme, throwing cards like laser beams,
See more with the four Duel Ponies queens

Can't stop these smokin' chicks.
They'll strike down evil with catchy quiffs
And though their opponents are massive d :yay: ks
They won't be beat by their stones and sticks

Rainbow Dash, she's the leader in blue
Does anything it takes to get her ponies through
Twilght Sparkle is a snarkle with a way with reading
Applejack can't do s :yay: t, but she still gets to sing

As for Pinkie Pie, she's one of a kind
And you'll notice when you find out that it's party time
Yami-Twilight taught them every strategy they need to be
One lean mean, undefeatable team

Teenage Mutant Ninja Ponies
Teenage Mutant Ninja Ponies
Teenage Mutant Ninja Ponies
Heroes wearing cosplay, Pony Power!

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[Tennis Match Fan will love me forever because I did this...]

"Long I have waited to taste fresh blood on my Chaos Blades, Twilight Sparkle!" Kratos shouted as he put his deck down for the duel ahead. "When I slaughter you and take my prize, I will become the new main character of Po-Ni-Oh!"

"And how do you plan on doing that?" asked Twilight.

"With this!" Kratos slammed two buttons. The first one shackled Twilight's legs, whilst the second one activated a number of flamethrowers around Twilight's podium. "Burn, Twilight, burn! Disco Inferno!" Kratos laughed as he watched Twilight swerve out of the way of the flames.

"More flames?!" Yami Twilight shouted. "Be creative! Why are people always looking to burn me alive?!"

"Well, sorry!" Kratos argued. "I didn't know you were flame-proof..."

"It's alright," Yami-Twilight accepted Kratos's apology. "They don't know until they try. Which is pretty much just Queen Chrysalis two times now..."

"I play the Greek Pantheon of Gods! Causing my field to become filled with my most hated enemies, and the instruments to your destruction!" Kratos yelled as the gods appeared on his side of the field and glared at Twilight menacingly.

"You have instruments that produce ear-grating noise?!" Yami-Twilight was shocked.

"No. Not the musical instruments you think of—"

"Run for your life, everyone! He's going to serenade me with a piccolo!" Twilight shouted back to her friends. "Or maybe it's a flute, I can't tell the difference..."

"Either way, Twilight, you will not defeat the gods!" Kratos yelled. "I tried and won, even though it left me covered in cuts and bruises and made me wish I was dead a few times..."

"Did they try killing your ears with wind instruments too?" Twilight asked.

"No. They tried to flatten me, kill me with their godly powers, etc. etc." Kratos explained.

"They should have, though..." Twilight smiled for once. "I mean, Persephone doesn't really look like the kind of god who could go all out with her harp-playing. And as for Hercules, he really needs to play something other than the drums..."

"I know. The gods would be terrible at creating quality music," Kratos agreed with Twilight. "Even if they do try and create orchestrated music..."

"Now, I play my convenient FlashLight Shipping card!" Twilight said as she threw down a sexual picture of herself making out with Flash Sentry. "Blind Kratos with how enraging this ship is and weaken the gods' Attack Points by 1000!"

"Why did this have to happen?!" Hades screamed out as he held one of his hands in front of his face to avoid seeing the picture. "I'm leaving the fandom!"

"You have angered the gods, Twilight Sparkle," said Kratos. "Nice. No really, I'm impressed that such a single card could enrage my mortal enemies... If it weren't for the fact that I'm cast as Panik, and that you're cast as Yami-Yugi, we could very well have become best friends..."

"I know, right?" Twilight smirked.

"Wow! Twilight managed to offend a bunch of monsters and take down their Attack Points!" Cadence marvelled at the duel. "Are Duel Ponies games always this fun and exciting?"

"How the heck are you still alive, Cadence?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Well, it's because just like Bakura, I have two separate personalities," Cadence explained. "On one hand, I'm a sweet and innocent little girl who just qualifies for high-school even though I act like a nine-year-old. And on the other side, I'm a cold-hearted killer who commands a race of bug-creatures who can become anyone they wish..."

"Well alright..." Rainbow Dash said, focusing on the duel.

"I play the Walls of Troy, shielding my monsters from any and all attacks!" Kratos announced as he and his side of the arena was suddenly bricked up out of sight. "This makes the game much more tedious, and will force you to think of a strategy before you run out of cards to play!"

"So, you're using a stalemate to win this duel, are you?" Twilight asked coyly. "That doesn't sound like the Kratos I know from God of War..."

"What do you mean?" Kratos asked.

"Come on, you can't fool me with your Walls of Troy card," Twilight explained. "Everyone knows that Kratos is a killer who can murder anyone who offends him. Including gods, Playstation characters, some of the Mortal Kombat roster, and even the famous Nintendo mascot, Mario."

"Well then, if it's the real Kratos you want, then it's the real Kratos you'll get!" Kratos roared as he drew his Chaos Blades. "Father! Destroy Twilight with the Blade of Olympus, causing her to kneel down and bleed to death, wishing that she was dead!"

"So you and daddy are friends again?" Twilight taunted.

"SHUT UP!" Kratos screamed as Zeus approached Twilight and readied the Blade of Olympus for a fatal blow.

"I activate my Mirror Pool trap card, destroying every one of your monsters because you really are the real Kratos who would rush head-long into battle!" Yami Twilight said as she flipped the card up, destroying every one of Kratos's gods with one massive blast of white light.

"If Duel Ponies fails to murder you, then my fires and the Chaos Blades will!" Kratos leapt out of his podium and ran across the field whist the flamethrowers consumed Twilight's podium completely.

From the outside of the arena, the flames cloaked the entire arena, creating a colossal pillar of flame that struck the clouds in the sky, revealing a clear patch of stars and a small portion of the moon. The girls merely stepped back, pulled out some marshmallows, roasted them on sticks, and began chattering like the girls they were.

On the inside, Twilight had been unshackled, thrown onto the field, and was underneath Kratos's left boot.

"Have you got any last words to say before I send you down to the depths of Tartarus, Twilight Sparkle?!" Kratos put one of his Chaos Blades at Twilight's throat.

"One, I'm flame proof, if you remember. Two, I'm the main character, therefore making me immortal and unkillable. And three, you've made a grim mistake, Kratos," Twilight held out one of her hands towards Kratos's face. "MIND CRUSH!"

Kratos blanked out as he felt his mind become completely destroyed by an otherworldly force. He saw the words 'You Are Dead' in his mind and fell to his knees. The Chaos Blades didn't impale Twilight, as they tilted with Kratos's fall. The flames dissipated, and Twilight pushed the corpse of Kratos off of her.

"Well, I defeated the entire Greek Pantheon, murdered the God of War, and claimed his Chaos Blades and all of his Star Chips as a prize," Twilight said as she dragged Kratos off of the arena. "It's a wonderful day to be Twilight Sparkle right about now..."

"Wow, Twilight... That takes your total up to ten Star Chips!" Rainbow Dash congratulated Twilight as she plucked off all of the chips. "And if you share, then I can get to the finals as well!"

"Yeah... about that, Rainbow Dash..." Twilight said sheepishly.

"You're giving the rest to Gilda, aren't you?" Rainbow Dash deadpanned.

"Yes, but only because her cleavage is the sexiest thing since Adagio Dazzle's sex tape," Twilight said as she gave the rest of the chips to Gilda. "Here you are, Gilda. You've earned them."

"Thanks, Twilight," Gilda said with a smile as she put her Star Chips in her gauntlet wrist. "Oh, and I'll see you at the finals, okay?"

"I'll definitely see you, Gilda. But chances are you won't be seeing me anywhere beside the duelling field..." Twilight smiled.

"Why? Because you've got too much time re-organizing your deck to hand out and make friends?" Gilda asked.

"No. I'm actually a ghost, believe it or not..." Twilight said. "Steven Magnet killed me, and now I'm looking for him so that I can beat his gay ass back to the eighties..."

"Well, good luck with that..." Gilda said, walking off into the forest.

"And by the way, I'm taking these Chaos Blades," Twilight claimed her other prize. "These'll come in handy for murdering the maker of this ga— I mean, for helping others with a Kratos cosplay..."

"It kind of sounded like you were going to murder Steven with those swords..." Rainbow Dash had suspicions.

"What? Nah... I'm too much of a princess to kill, don't you remember?" Twilight crossed her fingers behind her back.

"Oh yeah..." Rainbow Dash believed her.

"In fact, I'm going to hang Steven Magnet over a pit of acid, burn his nipples with a cattle prod, and then stuff a vibrator so far up his a :yay: hole that he'll be wishing that I cut the ropes and put him out of his misery..." Twilight declared as she raised a finger.

"That's pretty f :yay: ed up, Twilight..." Rainbow Dash twitched.

"Pretty f :yay: ek up indeed, Rainbow Dash..." Twilight smiled once again as the group departed for another arena.

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[If only Friendship is Magic had a Season Zero...]