Wanted: Delusional Human Servant - Pay Varies

Nathaniel stood quietly to the side, watching the events unfold before him, events he’d already seen once before; on the other side of a television screen. The pain this time however was so much worse having recently lived the experience firsthand from the field. Knowing the pain that the girl Avril Vent Fleur of Wild Arms 5 would be experiencing as she was sent back into her endless time loop, knowing she could never be with the one she loved, never hold him, and never be able to escape the torture of reliving the loss over and over.

Nathaniel’s heart was twisted up something fierce as he fought to keep his cool while this tragedy played out in front of him. As he stood silently fighting down his feelings, “Despair” floated over to him, completely unseen to all but himself. In the previous world he called himself “Panic”, and the world before that it was “Strife”. Nathan noticed the pattern right away; although it helped the thing was an egotistical ass-hat that loved any kind of conflict and proudly made such proclamations with a twisted grin.

“Despair” was an amalgamation of animal parts but he hated to be referred to as a chimera, saying that he was no simple patchwork creature but a “Draconequus”. He was also the reason for the last couple of years Nathaniel had spent playing “hero” in various pieces of fiction, notably video games with less than happy endings. Nathan should have guessed that anything offering to grant a wish would be a backstabbing jerk but temptation is a dangerous thing and the simple wish, “I want the power to be the hero I’ve always dreamed of” might seem specific enough to avoid the worst pitfalls of the evil Jinn stereotype, but Despair was a clever thing and with a snap of his paw he granted Nathaniel’s wish literally and he’d been forced into the role of hero five times, counting now.

As usual, when the “main story” was finished Nathan would be ejected from the “main character” and forced to watch the last few depressing scenes before he would be kicked into a new world, sometimes spending weeks or months traveling from quest to checkpoint, heading towards the ending of whatever new game his freaky wish-master decided to inflict on him next. It wasn’t that he hated his previous adventures, but he’d played all of these scenarios before and knew their outcomes would be as sad as he remembered them being; something Despair seemed to enjoy immensely although Nathan wasn’t sure if it was the sadness of the act itself or its effect on Nathaniel that the bastard loved more.

On top of the emotional turmoil of living through failure, he had been forced to take many lives over the course of these two years; sometimes quite viscerally. It got easier as time went on but even though he could rationalize it as a necessary evil, it was never something he took a liking to. Nathaniel depended on rage and fear to block out the guilt. Sometimes the nightmares would resurface but he hadn’t become shell-shocked quite yet.

Nathaniel had to admit, the game ending before this one was more bittersweet than outright depressing and he secretly was thankful he experienced Yu Narukami of Persona 4 simply leaving his new friends behind in Inaba rather than being forced to watch Makoto Yūki of Persona 3 tragically dying while surrounded by wailing high-school students. A moment of weakness in Despair’s plans perhaps but more likely just some random decision made on the fly with no grounding in logic; the jerk seemed allergic to it actually. Nathaniel looked over at his longtime “associate” and noticed that his usual mirth and chaotic nonsense was lacking. The “Draconequus” looked pensive, even a little worried if his tail flicks were any indication.

“I didn’t take you for the sentimental type Despair,” Nathan joked with a cocked eyebrow.

The unusually somber avatar glanced at Nathan with a sideways flick of its yellow eyes sending both pupils rolling into the eye closest to the young man, complete with the sound of a bowling alley strike and a sour grunt. “While I’d loooove nothing more than to wallow in your self-inflicted melancholy, I’m afraid our playtime has come to an end. I’ve done more than I thought we could get away with but now the clock is ticking so to speak and we have a world to save.” His change in attitude was really starting to give Nathaniel the willies.

“I did just save the entire planet of Filgaia, and before that the nations of Japan and America were kinda helped respectively, I also rescued a bunch of kidnapped children while foiling a madwoman, and… Okay, I guess one of my adventures was more an anti-hero murder spree than ‘song of a savior’ but you get my drift. We’ve been doing this for a while now, so it’s all the same to me by this point,” Nathan reasoned with his random pseudo-genie.

Despair turned to face Nathaniel, his pupils realigning. “Not this time Hero. This time we’re playing for keeps, and it’s not somewhere you’ll be familiar with, since that was part of the rules our opponent insisted upon. No, we’ll be going to the magical land of candy-colored equines filled with sunshine and rainbow farts.” His speech was tinged with some bitterness as he began making impossibly complex shadow puppets with one paw using a spotlight that appeared simply for the sake of convenience. Nathan wasn’t sure but he would have sworn that one of them depicted a winged unicorn trying to mate with a dragon. “The thing about bright lights though my friend is that the brightest lights cast the deepest shadows. As sickeningly sweet as Equestria sounds, her underbelly hides plenty of death and suffering, so don’t be fooled and don’t let your guard down. This next adventure is what all your previous training was leading up to.”

Nathaniel was rather gobsmacked. “I’m sorry; I think I must have exposed my tender eardrums to too many gunshots. It sounded like you said my last two-plus years of running around getting trashed as various heroes were nothing more than training.”

Despair’s smile was razor wire and curdled milk as he reached deep into Nathaniel’s ear canal and quickly yanked out an old wooden sign that read ‘Gone Fishing’ before tossing it aside to explode in a cloud of marbles. “Oh, they were but they were also vital to your survival and our success. Each one of those five trips netted you a powerful artifact that will give you an edge in the future, so don’t whine too loudly. I may be a purveyor of chaos but there was method in my madness and if there is one thing I know how to do it’s skirt the rules with an X-ACTO knife. Also, you were supposed to have learned something from those specific tales of woe. Tell me Hero, what do you think you learned over the last five adventures?” Despair seemed actually serious for a change and Nathaniel stopped to consider the question with equal merit.

Giving Despair one final look complete with raised eyebrow, Nathan rubbed his chin and considered the scenarios. Before all this nonsense began he was only a twenty-three year-old college student working on a programing degree and happened to be an avid gamer. He’d always considered himself a little smarter than his peers, but beyond that not all that special. He was just shy of six feet tall and once had a slender build, his blonde hair and blue eyes would have made any W.A.S.P family proud but he didn’t possess any hidden talent in martial arts, he wasn’t the lost grandson of a god, and he wasn’t always picked first for kickball.

Playing various heroes for the last two-some years, he had developed on the physical side quite a bit and he’d learned the self-defense stuff on the job as well as the mentality and know-how often required to save the day, but he didn’t feel like James Bond or anything; maybe more like Sterling Archer with less substance abuse issues. Shaking off his musings, he returned to ponder the question. All his previous adventures dealt with loss of some kind. Often it was the loss of “his” life, many times it was the sacrifice of others to reach a goal considered to be for “the greater good” and all of them enforced the idea that even the most badass main character couldn’t do it all alone and needed support of some kind.

Nathan figured he’d give the question an honest shot. “I’d say that I was supposed to learn that everything has a cost, even heroics. Scratch that, especially heroics. That being a hero may mean a happy ending for others but rarely one for those directly involved in the events leading up to such a thing. I’d say that no matter how awesome I become, I can’t stand alone and hope to win.” As his mind continued to piece together all his scattered thoughts, it finally dawned on him with improved clarity. With more conviction, Nathaniel looked at the joker-come-teacher and spoke with some certainty, “Heroes pay whatever the cost may be and use whatever and whoever is available to win because in the end a hero without victory is just another forgotten fool.” Nathaniel paused a moment and amended his previous statement. “Within reason I mean, it’s easy to say ‘the ends justify the means’ but it’s a thin line between hero and despot. Killing a nation of people just to stop an evil king would not be heroic.”

The Draconequus had a huge shit-eating grin. Nathaniel hoped it was just residual chocolate milk. “That’s right my boy, you were paying attention after all! A sacrifice must be voluntary to be heroic. Giving up one’s life so that others can live, taking an arrow to the knee to protect the innocent, chatting up the ugly friend so your pal can score with the hot chick; these can only be heroic sacrifices if they are done with a free will. Personally I would have scoffed at such selflessness a few years ago and considered it the babbling of those mindless drones regurgitating Celestia’s nonsense about love and harmony.”

Despair’s face lost some of its bitterness and turned a bit wistful. “However, I found something I never thought I would; Friendship. Since I value this new and shiny thing and the pony it’s attached to, then I can’t sit idly by and let our mutual opponent carry out his plans unopposed because despite his so-called scheme to help Equus reach the future, the cost of its success will be measured in bodies and I don’t find graveyards particularly interesting.”

Nathaniel crossed his arms and gave Despair a curious look. “You keep saying our opponent, but who or what exactly are you referring to? You do know I don’t know any of these names you keep dropping. Despite it sounding like a seven-year-old girl’s dreamland (if her weird uncles were the Grimm brothers) it sounds pretty serious and coming from you that’s enough to put me on edge.”

Despair rolled his eyes and they both came up with sixes before he tossed them back into his mouth and swallowed loudly, only to have them pop back into his sockets from behind his eyelids with a loud burp. “How much exposition do you want? Readers usually demand action over a wall of text… But, fine! You didn’t think I was the only one of my kind did you? That I was the result of a secret mutagen poured into the sewers under a pet shop and exposed to the lovechild of Doctor Moreau only to be raised by kickboxing kangaroos?” Despair looked as if he just surprised himself, “Wait, I need to write that down…” While Despair began to type out a new screenplay on an old typewriter Nathaniel just sighed and rubbed his temples in frustration.

“Okay Patches, you’re not alone in the universe, congratulations. So, what? You have a family member that wants more insanity than you do running round? That’s high-octane nightmare fuel right there. Your nonsense already costs me enough sanity points as it is.”

Despair gave a condescending snort and passed his typewriter to a nearby chimpanzee. “Keep at it, I know you’ll do great,” he added to the simian before turning to face Nathan. “If my…’sibling’ were all about chaos like me then we would have tag teamed that place into the greatest show in the universe, which in hindsight would have been a spectacular failure because of how carried away I tend to get. No, this particular family member of mine is far more collected and structured than I am, and he’s many times crueler because he only cares about results and the best way to get them. He calls himself ‘Progress’ these days but if I had to label him I’d call him ‘Evolution’.” For some reason, Nathaniel couldn’t figure out why Despair was juggling seven glass balls and sporting a ridiculous spiky hairstyle but he was rather tired by this point.

Nathaniel just blinked owlishly for a moment before collecting his thoughts. “So, you want to stop forward progress in horse-land? Kind of a dick move man. I mean, how far behind are we talking here? Are they Flintstones, ancient China, or Little House on the Prairie levels of technology?”

The Draconequus laughed at that. “Actually it’s a combination of all of those and some others in certain areas but leave it to the human to only see the end results and forget the journey. Celestia has done her absolute best to keep advancement and evolution from touching her little ponies in some kind of overbearing-mother logic, hoping to shelter them from the costs of progress. That’s why they seem so backwards in terms of technology, and even in the schools of magic and worldly knowledge. Her star pupil would be a pioneer of new and dangerous arcane breakthroughs if she weren’t so afraid of Sunbutt’s displeasure! That’s why the last time new magic was created was over a thousand years ago! She has her reasons no doubt, but there’s a line… Tell me Hero, what drives a species to evolve and progress? Not just anything but the strongest contributing factor that comes to mind.”

Giving a huff of irritation at being talked down to, Nathaniel rolled his eyes with a shrug and tilted his head back to think about the question. Better food, better shelter, better defenses. At first, he thought of convenience and laziness, but soon discarded them when considering what really drove people to keep trying to top themselves. Pride? Curiosity? No, he needed to start at the beginning and work forward. Shelter, water, food, safety, medicine, self-defense… Living in nature, beset on all sides by the elements, predators, fellow survivors, disease and parasites, natural disasters, foul weather… Then it hit him.

“Death,” Nathaniel said solemnly. “The driving factor for most of our advancements and evolution was death. People starving to death? Find a better way to feed them. Is disease killing off your children? Invent better medicine. Lose some kin last winter? Create better housing and clothing. Your bro Evolution is planning to put the folks on Equalsigns through the ringer and sweep away the dead so he can raise up the survivors, isn’t he? He’s totally going ‘survival of the fittest’ philosophy." Nathaniel's face took on a grimace. "Okay, I can see why you’d be against that. If these four-legged friends of yours are as coddled as you say, the body count will be impressive. Like, World War impressive. So what’s stopping you from just going toe-to-mismatched-toe with the guy? You don’t strike me as weak or anything.”

“Exactly you hairless ape!” Despair shouted from his pulpit, his tie-dyed priest robes flapping in the shockwaves of his voice while his rhinestone-studded miter twinkled in the sunlight. “If the two of us decided to fight it out, the winner would be king of a pile of dust. Equus, not Equalsigns by the way, wouldn’t survive such a battle and we both know it. However, his meticulous and anal proclivities actually work in our favor. You see, he’s not going to just flood the planet like the popular bearded deity from your world and pick up the remains. No, he’s going to start slow and escalate the process over time, finding what works best and learning how to ‘mold’ the races of the world on the fast-track of evolution. He’s made it quite clear that there are rules in place if we want to stop him, and that is where you come in.”

“I’m going to write the greatest song in the world and challenge him to a rock-off?” Nathaniel asked with a serious expression.

“Yes! I mean, no! That’s a silly idea,” Despair replied while pulling out a list and scratching out a line item. “No, you’re going to become the hero you always wanted to be. You’re going to gather allies, form bonds, and save the populace so we can face Progress using his own rules against him. And obviously, I’m going to help,” Despair added with a smug smile while rubbing his claws against his chest.

“Ah, okay that makes more sense,” Nathaniel said sarcastically. “You want me to be the stereotypical role-playing hero who gains the trust of the people, gathers an army, builds a nation, and faces off against the end boss. Now the whole training thing makes more sense but why me? I’m hardly Sun Tzu or King Arthur. And why would he allow such a thing? Doesn’t that go against the whole, ‘I’m going to push Equine into the future’ shtick?”

Despair shrugged his mismatched shoulders. “Right place right time? In the end, I think you’re up for it and your wish will finally be fulfilled. Win-win in my book,” Despair opened a rather large dictionary to the ‘win’ definition so show a picture of Nathaniel dressed up like Link from the Legend of Zelda series. “Also, think about it; he has to allow you to play the hero because the only way for you to advance and win is for you to evolve. You’ll have to face challenges, solve riddles, and possibly kill those weaker than you to advance. In the end you’ll be progressing, just like he wants. Don’t worry about it too much, he’s the one who set the rules for this adventure and I plan to bend them as much as I can get away with. Besides, he’s been so obsessed with Equus that I doubt he’s ever bothered to even look at a human before, that’s an edge we have right there. Anyway, it’s a good plan and I love it when a plan comes together,” Despair added while lighting up a cigar, which promptly exploded leaving his yellow eyes staring comically out of a pitch-black face.

“I don’t do pantyhose man,” Nathaniel said with some distaste. “And this whole game setting is a little contrived but what the hell? Being the hero that saves Candyland from the grind wheel of evolution? Jayne Cobb would be proud; but if I’m the best you got, you must be desperate.”

Despair chuckled. “Honestly, I picked you mostly because you can almost keep up with me after a couple of years. Ponies never get my references. Well, except Pinkie Pie. But she scares even me sometimes… Well, enough exposition pal, let’s hit the proverbial trail…er portal…thing. By the way, when we get there, call me,” the Draconequus said with a malicious glint in his eye, “Discord.”

“Sure thing Patches,” Nathaniel added with a smirk.

"Discord" chuckled and with a snap of his paw opened a large rainbow colored vortex which quickly swallowed the two and sent them to the land of sunshine and rainbows, Equestria.

[Meanwhile in Canterlot]

The Solar half of the ruling diarchy of Equestria was trying to listen intently to the pony in front of her and despite the riveting material concerning the fate of beet farmers being in question with the introduction of some new kind of sugar from the tropical islands causing them some friendly competition, Celestia found herself easily distracted by Discord’s antics involving a plate of doughnuts and the royal anteater, Noodle. She was still quite wary of the avatar of chaos but she had promised him a fair shake at redemption and so far only harmless pranks had been the reported activity of Discord by her best spies.

Watching him use an anteater as a ring toss was actually helping her get through the day’s slog of monotony as well.

It was while she sat on her cushion and holding back a smile that she felt something ripple across Equus like pebble dropped in a serene pond. The aftereffect left her mouth twisted slightly, like she had bitten into a piece of gold-leaf foil and the accompanying ache of her teeth caused her to cringe. Celestia had noticed that Discord too had flinched as if he had been goosed at the same time, so she knew he felt something as well. Mustering all of her cool serenity and millennia of practice, she schooled her expression and gently interrupted the pony who was still droning on about foreign trade policy needing an update.

“My little pony,” she gently interjected. The stallion froze with his mouth still open and his eyes wide, waiting for Celestia to continue. “While I would love to continue this discussion and go over the merits of an improved tax and shipping system, it seems something of great importance to the realm has taken precedence and so I must cut the Day Court short at this time. Please feel free to return to me at a later date and we can continue this discussion then. See Flowing Script on your way out for the proper forms needed to institute a change in policy concerning foreign trade and tax law. Good day,” she finished with her trademark beatific smile.

The stallion, Hardy Beets she thought, frowned at the mention of paperwork but bowed gracefully enough before showing himself out. Celestia nodded at the door guards to pass along the end of Day Court and then she approached Discord, who was standing unusually still for him, his head cocked to the side as if listening to some unheard melody while Noodle finished off the doughnuts no longer being guarded.

“Discord, what was that ripple I felt moments ago? I know you also felt it and I could have sworn that the taint of chaos was present,” Celestia asked, her face having adopted a sterner mien as if about to scold an unruly child.

Discord turned to the Princess with a frown and a sigh. “For all that is discordant Cake Master, I can’t possibly be responsible for everything that happens in Equestria, nay Equus that could be considered chaotic. I am many things but omniscient is not one of them,” he shuddered. “Think of all the spoilers one would know! No book, no movie, no game would ever hold any surprises! However...I do know how most porn ends, if you’re interested…” his waggling eyebrows almost took flight from his face as he leered at the Solar Princess.

Celestia raised an eyebrow and delivered her response with wry amusement, “With your shame fighting to drown out the feeling of being satiated and the royal laundry wondering what just happened to another pair of Luna’s stockings?”

Discord’s jaw hit the highly polished floor in shock. After a second of staring at her like he’d never seen her before he picked his jaw up off the floor and buffed it against his chest before sliding in back into place. “You say some hurtful things Tiny Tia,” he said with a sad frown. “You know I only have eyes for your stockings…and maybe the head of the dragon council. I do so love a female in power. Seriously though, you should be careful Sunbutt. I think I’m rubbing off on you- Wait that sounded better in my head…”

Celestia would never admit it, but having another verbal sparring partner that wasn’t trying to kiss her flank was rather refreshing, even if he often set her teeth on edge and on occasion her mane on fire. With a stern throat clearing she tried to refocus the flighty avatar before her. “Discord, whatever that power is I doubt it means us well. We need to investigate and-“

Discord interrupted her with a raised claw. “Before we declare a state of national emergency and summon your Power Ponies to start blasting rainbow-death-lasers willy-nilly, how about I simply go there and get the skinny," Discord paused, one claw stroking his bearded chin in contemplation while he skewed his expression with a cocked head. "Or maybe the curvy, I do like a little extra padding," he proclaimed, eyeing Celestia's flank with undisguised interest before straightening up with a throat clearing. "Being who I am, while awesome, does give me the ability to reach the outskirts of your kingdom with far more finesse and freedom than even you.” He ended his speech with something about pigs and desserts under a fake cough which resulted in a cloud of powdered sugar.

Celestia was unable to hide her frown at the idea of trusting Discord to investigate something as serious as she calculated this event to be, but he had a point. Before she could voice her concerns however, one of the Day Guard let himself into the court and bowed with a pointed look in her direction. She spared Discord another look of displeasure, and even his doe-eyed expression given from under a glowing halo of light did little to assuage her annoyance. “Listen well Discord: you are well aware that you’re on thin ice. Do not test me, for when it breaks, you will find me beneath it. Now, please go and see what you can ascertain about the source of this…ripple. I’m trusting you. Fluttershy trusts you. Do not disappoint us again as our mercy is not boundless.”

Giving a mock salute and an infuriating grin, Discord replied, “Your wish is my command oh Destroyer of Pastries. I shall go forth and addition…or something like that.” With that he snapped his paw and vanished in a cloud of pastry-shaped rubber erasers that bounced and rolled across the polished marble.

Giving her head one final shake she turned to the Day Guard. “Report soldier, what news?”

The guard snapped to attention and stared straight ahead, not seeming to see Celestia or even the room he was standing in. “Your majesty, Captain Strong Heart his been compiling a list of strange occurrences that have been trickling in from our outer posts and spies. It has been determined that the common connection between all these events is a single date; exactly seven days ago. The incidents in question all seem to relate to the increased aggression of the local fauna and the emergence of several previously undiscovered species which also seem hostile to ponykind. No towns have reported any attacks but ponies that find themselves on the outskirts and travelling the roads are being harassed and although no deaths have been reported as of yet, several ponies have been injured enough to be hospitalized before they were rescued by passersby. Reports also show that the other races are also being targeted as long as they are outside the city areas. This concludes the report your highness.”

To say that Celestia was shocked would have failed to do the truth justice. Her ponies were being mangled by nature? Something like this hadn’t happened in over a thousand years. Equestria especially was considered one of the safest kingdoms in all the lands. She had personally seen to it herself and kept her little ponies safe. With the addition of this chaotic ripple today, this was obviously the advent of something terrible. Her heart quailed at the thought of sending those wonderful girls into danger again after all they had done for the kingdom, especially her personal student whom she considered a surrogate daughter, Twilight Sparkle; first things first however.

“Guard Buckler, have notice sent out to all cities that a nationwide curfew of sundown will be in effect until further notice. Furthermore, tell the captain to form squads of no less than five to begin patrolling the major roads and release a press statement that the crown dissuades any traveling parties or merchants from foregoing professional protection by bodyguard or hired spear due to the increase in wild animal activity. If you need to reach me any further this afternoon, seek me in my sister’s chambers. She will need to know what has happened. You are dismissed.” With her final word, she powered up her horn to teleport while the guard made a swift exit after a hasty bow.

Celestia’s final thought before blinking out of the throne room was, ‘Sweet Faust, what is happening?’

Author's Note

Comments, complaints, questions?

If you like the story, let me know or you know 'like it' and if you didn't like the story, let me know what you didn't like about it, since thumbs don't really tell anyone much; I'm looking for feedback.

Check's in the mail.