Welcome to Equestria! Would you like to start a new save file? (Y/N)

[Several minutes earlier in Equestria]

With a loud pop, a rainbow-colored portal opened a few feet above the lush grass of the plains just southwest of the Crystal Mountains and spat out its two passengers. Nathaniel landed rather roughly, hyperventilating the entire trip from portal to ground. Discord was too busy laughing to notice as he drifted down like a falling leaf while reclining.

“That was wonderful!” Discord exclaimed after pausing in his mirth. “You humans have the most delightfully twisted sense of humor at times; I swear I should have been given domain over Earth, I think I would have fit right in!” His t-shirt declared ‘I Heart Humans’ in a display of dazzling light-emitting diodes.

In between gasps, Nathaniel tried to recover his breath. “I’ll never…look at…G.I. Joe the…same way…again.”

Discord looked over at his pet hero and adjusted his chef’s hat. “Why’s that Natey? Hungry for some pork chop sandwiches?” He then burst into another fit of laughter while pulling the sandwiches in question out from under his hat and tossing them at Nathaniel.

“It’s different when you’re just watching the video rather than having to actually be there in person,” Nathan grumbled, still calming down from the surreal experience and bating away the overcooked missiles with one hand. “Anyway, where are we on the great planet of Pony World now? Everything looks about as colorful as I expected, given your rather disgusted description. Does Rainbow Brite know this is where all her missing colors are?”

Discord raised an eyebrow and his deft handling of the mini-crane was rather impressive while he did it. “Do I even want to know how you managed to pull that ancient reference out?”

“Internet,” was Nathaniel’s only reply.

Discord snorted while waving a paw dismissively. “I should have known. After all, they are doing a live action movie based off of ‘Jem and the Holograms’ back in your world.”

Nathaniel flinched as if struck. “Okay, I officially miss Earth a little less now. Anyway, what’s the plan? I don’t see the usual starting town nearby.”

“First things first eager beaver: Welcome to Equestria! I’ll be your host with the most, the Sultan of Spin, the Dastardly but Dashing Discord! Today on the first day of your adventure you get some starting gear. Isn’t this exciting?” After clapping his claw and paw together excitedly, he strapped a party hat on Nathaniel’s head and with a flourish of his mismatched limbs he discharged bursts of confetti from his underarms complete with party horn sound effects. “If you’ll examine your left wrist, you will find the first bit of magic granted by choosing Discord Travel Services. Our motto is: if you don’t ask, we won’t tell!”

Nathaniel lifted his left arm up to see what all the fuss was about and almost squeed with glee. Strapped to his arm was an honest to goodness Pip-Boy. The screen and knobs all looked brand new and the rest of the device seemed to be in factory fresh shape, especially the gold finish… “Wait a moment; this is…the Pimp-Boy 3 Billion. Okay, I can deal with this I guess… I mean, it’s still a bloody Pip-Boy.”

Discord chuckled at the young man with his arms crossed and his eyes closed. “Before the two of you run away to elope, I need to tell you something about that device. Some of the more…powerful features are currently disabled: such as the hammer-space storage ability, the assisted targeting application, and the so-called ‘fast travel’ program. These functions may become available when you are considered experienced or powerful enough and earn them in whatever manner the ‘Game Master’ decides; rules and all that,” his contempt for having to play with any restrictions seemed to irritate him. “Still, you have to admit; it has some potent functionality, like…telling time and a nifty flashlight. More importantly however, the data log, quest manager, and map functions are still working as well as the heads-up display.” He nonchalantly sipped some kind of hot liquid from a Vault-Tec coffee cup and then seemed to mug with a forced pose, as if for a hidden camera.

Sure enough, as soon as they stopped talking the Pimp-Boy finished booting and the familiar HUD of Fallout fame was superimposed onto Nathaniel’s field of vision, seeming to float just on the edges of his sight. “Trippy,” was all he managed to whisper before he began fiddling with the dials and knobs on his wrist device. Soon a short disco jingle played for all to hear as he accessed different menus and checked his status. “Heh, so it seems I’m a level one Student and my current Subclass is None. Subclass? I wonder what that is. My Skills page is some kind of mystery as well, because while it seems a bunch are listed here they are greyed-out so I can’t read any of them right now.” Nathaniel fiddled with some more dials. “Huh, it seems my stats aren’t based on the S.P.E.C.I.A.L system, like Fallout. In fact, my stats aren’t accessible at all. Lemme guess, rules?”

Discord peeked out from behind a classic Dungeons and Dragons folding-tabletop shield. “Well, it’s rather hard to quantify the real growth of living creatures with simple numbers; something that I bet makes Progress rather antsy. Just treat your ‘stats’ or whatever like you would treat your real body; you learn something new, you’ll be a little smarter or practice running and you’ll be faster, and so on. Anyway, let’s continue with the remainder of your gear. You get a basic backpack and your weapon and armor, just simple starting gear I’m afraid but I did my best to say, spice it up, as it were.”

Nathaniel took the floating backpack, complete with cutesy kitten motif and opened it up to peer inside. He pulled out a long black stick with a taped up handle which according to his HUD was labeled as a Cypress Hill Stick, the flavor text proffering a plus one to Membrane, whatever that meant. “Really man? Now I’m going to have that song stuck in my head all day…” He hooked the stick to his belt and reached into the bag for his supposed armor, only to withdraw a rather plush and baby blue terrycloth robe. “And this must be my ‘Cloth Armor’. Okay, I’m not even going to bitch about the robe, it’s pretty swanky,” he said before donning the robe over his blue jeans and t-shirt and tying it shut. “I really do look like a pimp now. I’ll be sure to ask the first monster I see ‘where my money at’ before I whack it with my stick to complete the ensemble.”

Discord seemed like he was about to comment when he paused and then grinned. “One moment, it seems we have company coming!” Sure enough, a few seconds later another Discord appeared in a cloud of pencils of all things. “Ah, how I’ve missed me!”

“Um, Discord, why are there two of you? Or is this your pal Evolution’s doing?” Nathaniel asked with a wary look between the two of them.

The two Discords embraced in what Nathan considered a very Eastern Bloc manner, complete with stiff movements and a pair of cheek kisses. “Oh don’t worry my boy; I love me too much to do anything harmful to myself. No, I had split off a part of my essence to go wandering the multiverse looking for a ~~sucker~~- I mean for a gentleman of your stature when I figured out that Progress had turned his attentions back to Equus. I couldn’t just disappear completely however, it would draw unwanted attention.”

The New Discord pulled out an Oscar and with a teary expression seemed to be thanking an invisible audience. “Oh thank you, all of you! Fooling Celestia may have been my greatest act yet! It’s a shame they would never celebrate my accomplishments despite them all being for the good of this world.” With that, New Discord tossed the Oscar away where it picked itself up off the ground from a rough tumble and ran off after making a few rude gestures at the Draconequus.

Nathan turned back to the two Discords in time to see them lined up side by side, both facing him. They began a strange chant coupled with a weird, synchronized dance and ended up leaning far enough over that the fingertips of both hands touched their partner’s while their hands were raised high above their heads. “–sion HA!” they both shouted. After a blinding flash of light, instead of the Discord twins there stood a rather impressive looking Avatar of Chaos. His muscles were quite defined but his frame remained lean and he seemed even taller. His expression brimmed full of grim determination and the hair on his head had a stylized look. Nathaniel guessed this is what Discord would look like if Akira Toriyama were creating a shōnen version of the Tales of Equestria. After a few heartbeats, the cardboard cutout of Neo Discord was pushed over from behind and landed with an anticlimactic slap to reveal a single but far more familiar Draconequus who was wearing a rather fetching vest tailored in a deep crimson.

“There, now I feel complete again. Though I also suddenly crave a cigarette… Oh, since I’ll need to return to Canterlot soon and report to ol’ Morning Horn, I’ll leave the pocket-sized version of myself with you as your guide.” With that, Discord pulled out a chain of handkerchiefs all tied together from his vest pocket until he had an impressive mess of them. He proceeded to blow his nose into the wad of cloth with a foghorn accompaniment and giving a flourish of his lion’s mitt over the bundle he snapped his paw and tossed the mess into the air where it sparkled into a small creature that looked like a cross between a tiny horse and a fairy. “Awww, isn’t it adorable!” Discord cooed.

“I swear, if you buzz around my head screaming ‘Hey, listen’ I’m going to bury you in a jar full of Fire ants…” Nathaniel stated deadpan.

“Little Dissy” responded in a smooth voice that would have made Isaac Hayes jealous. “Don’t be a square daddy-o. Situations set up for comedic timing should be handled delicately, mmm like a woman…or a soufflé.” The decidedly female-looking fairy fluttered around Nathaniel’s head humming Barry White tunes.

“Being a hero shouldn’t be this exhausting,” Nathan moaned. “Well, I guess I’ll see you later Discord?” he asked, as if he might actually miss the bastard.

Discord grinned warmly. “You know, you might actually be my second friend…or maybe my first bad friend. Fear not young trooper, I shall check up on you soon. In the meantime, listen to your guide. He’s not as powerful as I am but he has enough smarts to know how best to help you. If you check your quests, you should now have one pointing you to the Plain’s Moot, sort of traveling bazaar comprised of various wagons and tents that wanders the northern lands this time of year. It’s open to all races, so you shouldn’t garner too much attention and if you do just say you’re from far away.” Discord reached into his vest he pulled out a pamphlet entitled, ‘The Equestrian Survivor’s Guide’ and tossed it to Nathaniel. With an overly dramatic bow, he disappeared in a puff of white smoke that smelled of coconuts and exclaimed, “Take care Nathan! Don’t die!”

“Great, that wasn’t ominous or anything,” Nathaniel grumbled. He looked at his fairy companion and checked what direction his HUD was pointing him in. As he turned to start walking however, he spotted a small mound of dirt begin to rise out of the earth in front of him before bursting upwards in a spray of soil. Exiting the new mound was a tan rat-thing, having a rounder head and a stubby tail. It appeared to be about the size of a large housecat. Seeming to glare hatred at Nathan with its beady glowing-red eyes, it began to coil itself into a pouncing position while weaving side to side.

Music began to play from somewhere.

The fairy-horse flew up several feet above Nathan’s head. “Ah hell naw! That’s a Prairie Rat! It’ll attack things up to three times its size for tresspassin’ or while huntin’ and they usually fight to the death. Your cracka’ ass be lucky though, ‘cause this one be all alone. Mess ‘em up before more find us!” the flutter-pony advised in her smooth and silky bass.

Wasting no time, Nathaniel drew his stick and held it in a reverse-grip, much like Dean Stark’s usual combat style, which he experienced during his most recent adventure. Nathan poised on the balls of his feet waiting for the rodent to make the first move. As soon at the rat launched itself at Nathan’s head, the boy quickly leaned forward at an extreme angle and brought his right elbow around perpendicular to the ground screaming, “Where my money at!” resulting in the cypress stick striking the beast right in the snout and smashing it to the ground like a spiked volleyball, allowing Nathaniel to step back and survey the damage. The beast flopped back onto its stubby legs and shook a spray of bloody droplets from his possibly broken muzzle as it righted itself to charge again.

It feinted left and then quickly dashed for Nathaniel’s ankles, but the man’s robe provided excellent cover for the surprise kick that caught the beast in its ear almost knocking it away but not before it reflexively gripped his foot with its sharp claws and tried to bite the offending limb only to gouge the tough leather of his boot and be foiled by the steel toe. Nathaniel lifted his leg high-up and brought it crashing down at lightning speed on the Prairie Rat’s hind legs, dislodging it with a pained squeak. Taking advantage of the squirming critter while it fought to reorient itself, Nathan flipped the stick around and dashed forward with a doubled-handed overhead blow, pulping what remained of the rat-kin’s head and finishing it off for good.

The music faded away without explanation.

“Heh, I still got it,” Nathan said with a slight hitch in his breath. He vaguely noted that some experience had been awarded for the creature’s death but the fight was causing him to experience some rather uncomfortable feelings. Never had the danger felt so real before, even after years of doing something similar as game characters. It dawned on Nathaniel that this time he was the character, no masks or personas to hide behind. If he died here, that would probably be it; death, game over. If he got seriously wounded, he didn’t currently have anyone handy to heal him unless his fairy was hiding that skill. Nathan wanted to shake a bit and maybe leak some liquid feelings from his eyes, but this wasn’t the time or place as there could be more rats around and as a level one solo-artist, that thought was rather scary. He shook it off with a successful ‘bottling-up of feelings’ skill men practice from childhood back home, and pressed on.

“Well, let’s head to the Moot and get some loot. I’m going to need better gear if I’m going to get attacked by everything that creeps and crawls in this world. Oh?” Nathaniel paused when he looked at the corpse again as he noticed a HUD note that informed him the creature could be skinned for crafting materials. Pawing through the backpack, he found a small wooden chest labeled ‘Crafting Tools’. “Well, how ‘bout that,” he said and opened the chest to find a small skinning knife, a sewing kit, and some various assorted tools he couldn’t place at the moment.

Nathan had some experience with hunting on Filgaia and once the beast was skinned, his Pimp-Boy seemed to magically process the bloody skin into a cured byproduct, ready for transport and awarding him some more experience and a message reading: Skinning Skill has increased! (11).

“Oh really?” Nathaniel commented. A quick check of his Skills revealed that, sure enough his now one legible skill was Skinning at a level of eleven. “Daddy like. Okay, let’s hit the road, so to speak. If we’re lucky maybe we can get a job or a quest and make some…uh, coin? Damn, I better check the guide while we travel so I don’t sound too much like an idiot when I get there. Come on Chef, let’s go.”

“My name is Daisy Chain boy, and don’t you forget it!” the winged creature yelled in her deep velvet tones.

Nathaniel sighed, “Of course it is…” He would have wondered if the name was on purpose but knowing Discord, it was a foregone conclusion.

Author's Note

Level 1 Student

Updates
Weapon: Cypress Hill Stick
Armor: Cloth Armor, Festive Party Hat
Gear: Pimp-Boy 3 Billion, Kitten Backpack, Crafting Tools, Equestrian Survivor's Guide
Loot: Cured Prairie Rat Leather
Allies: Daisy Chain

Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
- Lao Tzu

Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues.
- Journey

Now you too can enjoy having this stuck in your head all day!