Hey guys, Handsome Jack here
Today was a long day to say the least. I Can't tell if it was the worst day of my life or the best. For years I've wanted a better life instead of sitting at an office desk or drowning my life away in lost potential. But I never expected this..
1000 years ago more or less
I could tell just by the fact that it was a beautiful day outside that today was going to be fantastic. Me and some friends of mine were going to a convention dressed as our favourite video game characters, there was me dressed as Handsome Jack from the borderlands games, Ben who dressed as Steve from minecraft, Dan who dressed as shadow the hedgehog from the sonic games and finally Rick who came as Dallas from the Payday games
It was about 10:00 am and we were just getting ready to leave and I was just making the finishing touches to my costume when Dan shouted from the downstairs of our apartment "come on Jack hurry up, let's go!"
Quickly glancing at the time I realised that he was right and we better go "alright alright I'm coming down" I replied while walking down the stairs "so, how do I look" I said as I reached the bottom of the stairs anxious to hear their opinions on my costume.
"like a princess, now let's go!" Replied Dan frustrated that we haven't already left yet "we should've been there an hour ago and we still haven't even left the fucking appartment!"
"Alright calm down we're leaving now" said Ben as he grabbed his makeshift diamond sword and Rick picking up his silenced M9 (fake of course). That said we left the apartment locking the door and hopped into bens car off to the convention.
Half an hour later...
The trip wasn't very exiting just like any normal car journey but eventually we made it to the convention. You see I've never been to a convention before so this was all really cool and exciting but to someone like Dan (grumpy shit) he didn't look to thrilled.
A while later I saw a guy who looked kind like the merchant from resident evil was selling these awesome looking props and my eyes glanced over a pair of Hyperion wrist lasors exactly like the ones Jack wore in Borderlands The Pre-sequel and I couldn't help but look closer so I told the guys I'll be right back and they just nodded except Dan he grunted I'm pretty sure he actually is shadow. Anyway when I got to the merchant I examined the lasors, they looked a LOT like the game version probably out of my price range but I asked anyway "how much?"
He looked up at me with a bored expression that just screamed 'I'm an asshole'. He stared at me for a few seconds then simply stated "$130"
Wow that's actually cheaper than I thought I gave him the money and grabbed the props and strapped them on. Almost instantly I felt a splitting head ache and abruptly fell to my knees screaming in pain while clutching my head. Then all I saw was black.
I awoke with pain coursing through my head nothing but agonising pain, I tried to stand up only to trip over what felt like a branch. I snapped my eyes open instantly regretting it as the blinding light burned my hazel eyes. After a minuet of adjusting to the light I scanned my surroundings finding myself to be in some kind of dark forest the only light around creeping through the tree canopy I brought my hands up to my face to rub my eyes only to see something that terrified me... my hands looked drawn with little detail to them kind of like the borderlands art style now that I think about it everything around me looked cartoony but not the same kind as what I looked like.
I heard the sound of a stream nearby so I ran in the general direction of the sound so I could get a better look at myself as soon as possible. When I got there however I was surprised at first, and totally didn't scream like a little girl, but I eventually got over the fact that I now looked exactly like Handsome Jack eyes and everything I decided it to be best to look for civilisation so I could get help.
A short while later mindlessly wondering the forest I came to some kind of dirt road so I decided to follow it as it was obvious that it wasn't natural and that it could lead to a town or something.
Half an hour later I came across some kind of castle with... Horses? Stationed there in golden armor carrying spears, don't ask me how, I thought my best bet would be if I stayed clear of that place because if it is as heavily fortified awe that it means something important lays inside and i'll get into some trouble for trespassing on private property.
"Halt in the name's of Princess Celestia and Luna!" Cried one of the horses. 'HOLY SHIT THEY COULD TALK!' I though thought with my mouth agape 'Fuck they're running at me'
"Oh crap" I said to myself as I try to think of how I'm going to get out of this... 'Oh right I'm Jack now, I've got a cloacking device' I think to myself as I quickly try and get it to work.
"BINGO" I exclaim lowdly as I begin turning invisible and quickly hide behind a tree so I don't get ran over by the galloping gaurds. 'Wait if the pocket watch works then the lasor wrists must too, right?' I thought to myself as I start searching for the trigger on these things, my plan was to simply scare the guards away so I could escape because cloaking doesn't last forever.
After finally finding it I aim just in front of the first gaurd but I didn't expect the recoil to be so massive that it caused my arm to shoot upwards towards the guards face killing him instantly. "Oops" I say to myself as I start mentally shitting myself, the other gaurd eventually ran off to get help but I just stood there.
What felt like hours later I hear the sound large wings flapping the clean air and realise I'd better run like hell. "DO NOT ATREMPT TO FLEE CREATURE".
'Geez what the fuck was that?' I think to myself making sure my poor ears are alright. I thought it be best if i don't listen to the voice because as soon as they see the body they're probably going to burn me or something so I tried activating my cloacking device but it's still recharging 'lousy Hyperion tech'.
Seconds later of my standing there like an idiot I see two large horses with wings and horns in their heads donning armour which mached their coats, Alicorns I think they're called, floating down in front of me.
They start staring at the body of the gaurd in front of me so I took my chances and ran like hell, but I didn't move at all, actually I seem to be floating in mid air surrounded by a yellow aura, I looked at the two alicorns behind me to see the White ones horn glowing yellow. It took me about a minuet to realise that these horses had telekinesis and that I was absolutely fucked, so I did the logical thing to do and scream.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Welcome to Equistria kiddo's
I kinda expected them to blast me into oblivion or send me to hell but what the alicorns did to me I did not expect... Lemme start from where I left off
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed loudly because of the fact that these horses can probably melt me with their eyes for all I knew.
The two alicorns then glanced at each other for a moment before addressing themselves "mine name ist Princess Celestia of the day and tis mine sister princess Luna of the night" said the white one, now known as Celestia, pointing to the blue one known as Luna.
'Wait... Princess... I'm so screwed'.
"State thou name, species and why you killed thine Royal Guard immediately, or thou will be terminated" exclaimed Luna as she glared at me as if she were trying to kill me with her eyes.
I hesitated, burning with nervousness before telling them what they wanted to hear "M-my name i-is J-J-Jack, president of H-Hyperion. My species is Human from the p-planted Earth, And i killed the Guard by accident" i explained, hoping that they would understand that all of this was just one bug mistake and that i wasn't here to take over their planet (yeah i figured i wasn't on earth any more because of the talking magical horses and the fresh air showing no sign of pollution.
"Lies" Shouted Luna right at my face torturing my poor ears once more "thou killed this Guard on purpose".
"Luna calm down, cant thou see he ist clearly terrified of us" Celestia said to the younger alicorn, Now i know which one i should trust more.
As they had their conversation on if they should trust me or not i took this as an opportunity and tried to lift my arms up to fire my Lasors at their heads. Sure the idea was stupid and if it didn't work id probably get killed, but it's the best idea i got right now so deal with it.
As i slowly aimed my Lasors at their heads i soon realized that I'm not that heartless and try and think up a better idea, but then i got this strange feeling that was telling me that these horse lives meant nothing to me so they couldn't be too important right?.. no this isn't me, I'm better than this, I'm not Handsome Jack.
After a while of arguing to myself, the Princesses look to see my Lasors pointed directly at their heads and Celestia reacts quickly by throwing me into a tree shocking me out of my trance and paralyzing me long enough for the princesses to pull out six fancy looking gems and start charging up some kind of energy.
"What kinda weapo-" i tried to say before getting cut off by a colossal rainbow beam heading straight for me, i tried to move but i just couldn't and soon find myself slowly but surely turning to stone.
That was probably 1000 years ago by now and you have no idea how much i regret that day, and also how much i want to have my revenge on those two bitch-esses just as much as everyone else in this garden.
"Cheer up old pal, you'll get your sweet revenge one day" said that voice that I've grown to hate over the years.
"Leave me alone Discord I'm not in the mood" i replied trying not to insult him out of frustration.
"Oh come on, you're never in the mood anymore, you used to always want to chat back in the day" said Discord disappointed that he couldn't get his daily conversation out of me.
"Why don't you go piss off one of the other statues and leave me to my own thoughts, asshole" i told him trying to remember what i was thinking about.
"Well, fine. But remember when i break free of this place i expect a full apology" he replied huffing.
'yeah like that's going to happen anytime soon' i thought to myself as i try and think of something else.
Not a minuet later a group of school fillies and colts round the corner to where Discord and i are placed. Now we usually don't get visitors around here so naturally this was quite a shock to me.
"Now my little ponies, why don't you try and tell me what this statue represents?" asked the older mare to all the foals. 'oh right, so they're ponies... that explains why they're so small'.
"Leadership" Exclaimed a small orange coated Pegasus with a purple mane.
"Heroism" Shouted a slightly taller unicorn with a white coat and a pink and purple mane.
"Villainy" Remarked a yellow earth pony with a red mane.
'Wow do i really look like i could represent those?' i thought to myself as i watched the three fillies argue.
"Girls!" the older one snapped as the three quickly turned their attention towards her. "you're all wrong, this statue represents... Stupidity"
'Oh you have got to be kidding me, I am sooo going to make those sister's death slow and painful.
I watched as the ponies went over to Discord and out of ear range. Slowly as they walked away i saw Discord's statue start to crack and crumble away until he was free. All i could do is watch as Discord started stretching and clicking his bones, then he turned to me and smiled before teleporting in front of me.
"I waiting for that apology Jack" he said to me smiling mischievously.
"I'M SORRY, I REALLY AM WE'RE STILL FRIENDS RIGHT?" i shouted quickly hoping he could still hear my voice in that chaotic little head of his even though he is no longer a statue and the mental link should be broken.
"Hmm... OK if you say so" I smiled (i imagined to anyway) as i let the idea of being able to move after 1000 years of sitting in the same position thinking about how pathetic my life really is. "But i need you to do a favor for me" he said to me.
'Of course there's a catch' i thought to myself before weighing my options. "I'll do whatever you want, just please let me free" i begged him.
"Help me destroy the Elements of harmony" he said evilly.
I smiled.
