Nona

As I watched, Nona closed her eyes and her horn began glowing like a Fourth Of July sparkler. An instant later everything around us began to shift and change like reflections in a stream.

My guts felt like they were turning to water. I screamed, leaped into Nona’s arms and clung to her whimpering in terror.

The last thing I saw before we faded into nothing was her holding me,  looking down at me with a confused, disgusted expression.

An instant later we were barreling headlong at unbelievable speed - or maybe we weren’t moving at all? Anyway, down some kind of rippling, shifting, brightly glowing tunnel that looked like some psycho’s PCP induced nightmare. I continued screaming as my bladder emptied itself into my underwear.

Another instant later we found ourselves plopped down on... What? Macadam? A roadway?!

“Bloody ‘ell!”, I shouted when I heard the blast of an air horn, opened my eyes to se the blinding headlamps of an enormous lorry bearing down on us.

I clung desperately to a concrete barrier as the lorry roared past me at a hundred kilometers per hour, the powerful wind of its slipstream threatening to tear me from my precarious perch as I hung on in desperate fear for my life!

A moment later, silence. I dared to open my eyes and look around. What?! We were on the A5 north east of London proper! Wait... How did I know that? And how did I know it was also called Edgeware Road? And how did I know there was an Underground station not more than ten minute’s walk from where we were?

“What’s all this, then?!”, I muttered, clapping my hand to my mouth in shock a moment later.

What?! Why was I talking like some English guy?! And where was Nona?! I turned to look in the direction of whoever was still holding me, leapt to the ground in shock when, instead of seeing Nona I found myself looking at a truly gorgeous, petit little olive skinned brunette with the most awesome tits I’d ever seen!

“I’m sorry, luv!”, said the brunette apologetically, “Seems I’ve put us in a bit of a spot!”

Yeah, it was Nona’s low and raspy Marlene-Dietrich-gargling-with-glass voice but, now, with an English accent?!

All of a sudden that British twanged voice was the sexiest thing I’d ever heard and my cock responded with it’s own version of a happy hello. Boner, no!

I looked about, again. There! To the south west! The lights of London! Wait... How the hell did I know that?

I grabbed the brunette’s hand and dragged her along as we raced for the grass past the edge of the roadway.

We plopped down in the grass a moment later.

“Bollocks!”, I muttered. What the fuck? I’d meant to say ‘fuck’ and that came out? What was going on? I turned to the hot and gorgeous brunette for answers.

“I’m sorry, love, I have no idea!”, she shrugged.

“Well, can you at least get us out of ‘ere?”, I asked. What?!  That voice sounded so weird coming out of me.

A moment later the spot above her head where her horn should have been sparkled and glowed and we were gone. Again that weird day glow psycho light show tunnel.

A moment later reality (?) Reappeared. We were sitting on... muddy ground... in a... What?

Then, the angry grunting of dozens of... Pigs?!

“Was zum Teufel?!”, I shouted when I saw those pigs running at us, “schweine?!”, then, “Ich bin jetzt eine Deutsch?!”

How the hell was I able to speak German and how did I know we were now sitting in the middle of a pig pen on a pig farm somewhere outside of Bonn, Germany?! What was going on here?! And who was this blonde woman with the enormous boobs sitting next to me?

Another sparkle, another poof and then...

Oh, man! Now I was, sitting buck naked on the stage of a Japanese live sex show in the Ginza, dozens of cheap suited, sweaty middle aged half-drunk business men happily cat calling and cheering from the audience. They were all speaking... Nihongo?! Japanese?!How the hell did I know that?! And how’d I know what they were saying? I was freaking out!

“Oopsah”, I heard from my left. I turned to see this beautiful, raven haired, brown eyed but very worried and very naked Japanese woman sitting next to me.

Another poof.

A moment later we reappeared in the Ponyville dump as a now Nona-shaped-Nona and I sat holding our heads, woozily and wobbly, trying to shake our minds clear of our sudden, intense dizziness our brains were whirling in.

“The fuck happened?!”, I muttered when I could finally speak. It was my normal voice, again.

“I have no idea!”, said Nona in her normal metal-over-gravel voice. She was staring at me just as confused as I was.

“Has that ever happened, before?”, I asked.

“No!”, she said, “But I’d never transported with anyone before, either!”

“Remind me to kill you. Slowly. Brutally. If you ever suggest doing that, again”, I grumbled, wishing the world would quit spinning around so damn fast.

“Oh!”, she moaned lustfully, “Stop! You know how I love it when you talk dirty to me!”

Now I was beginning to wonder about her mental health!

We sat there for a while longer, waiting for the effects of... Whatever that was... To wear off.

“I think I know what happened”, said Nona, when she’d finally stopped wobbling like a weeble. I looked at her. I couldn’t wait to hear her explanation!

Just then she turned away from me, threw her face toward the ground, clutched her stomach, began puking her brains out. I rushed over to hold her long, black hair out of the way. She sat up a moment later, a sour expression on her face. She wiped her chin with the back of her hand.

“Thanks”, she said, her smile returning, “you’re sweet.”

I shrugged but didn’t say anything. A moment later we were sitting on a spread of old newspapers we’d laid out earlier to keep us off the foul smelling dirt of that dump. I looked around. The hamsters were nowhere to be seen.

“So?”, I asked a short time later.

“What?”, she asked.

“You said you had an explanation”, I said.

“Oh... Yeah”, she said, then, “I’m exhausted!”

I hadn’t noticed a minute before but now that the world wasn’t spinning like mad I realized I was, too. I laid back on the newspapers, tucked my hands behind my head. A second later Nona was snuggled up on me.

“You screwed up my magic”, she said.

“I screw everything else up so that’s not surprising”, I said, “So, how’d I screw up this time?” Yeah, my life was like that.

“Biology affects magic”, she said, “You’re not a pony so magic works differently on you.”

Yeah, that explained a lot, like the time Twilight was using me for a guinea pig for one of her magic experiments, tried to change my hair color and ended up with me look like a cross between The Lich King from World Of Warcraft and egg plant. She never did figure that one out.

“So, what was all that with me talking like an English guy and then me spouting German and you being a brunette, a blonde and then that naked Japanese woman?”

“We became people from the countries we traveled to”, she said.

“Oh”, I said, like she was telling me the time. Maybe if I wasn’t half dead from exhaustion it might have actually registered somewhere in my brain how insanely weird that was. I closed my eyes. Nona snuggled closer into me.

“I’m hungry”, she muttered.

“Pinkie Promise”, I said.

“Yeah, yeah, I know!”, she said, “I already told you I don’t eat the souls of people I like and I really like you so quit worrying, alright?”

Just then I felt her shudder, then stiffen.

“Oh, shit!”, she muttered, “We have to get out of here! Now! Well, okay, really soon!”

“Why?”, I asked. Just then I heard the weird chirping squeaks of the dump hamsters. I looked over to where the squeaks were coming from to see them constructing a... Catapult? They were aiming it at me! Fuck!

I looked at Nona who was sitting up, now. She wasn’t looking at the dump hamsters but at the horizon. I noticed it was getting light.

“Problem?”, I asked.

“Yeah I can’t be out in direct sunlight”, she said, sounding worried, “It... Makes me sick.”

“Are you too tired to shape shift?”, I asked.

“Maybe not”, she said. She closed her eyes and focused. A moment later there was a gorgeous redhead sitting on the ground where Nona’d been.

“Nice!”, I grinned, looking at her. Nice rack, too! Perfect boobs. Just the right size. Num!

“I know your fondness for redheads”, she said, I’m glad you like it.”

Wait! How’d she know that? Oh, yeah, she could read minds. I’d forgotten about that. Then a thought hit me... Well, actually more like snuck quietly up on me and brutally assaulted me when I wasn’t looking.

“Isn’t you looking like a human gonna attract a lot of attention?”, I asked.

“Not as much as my turning into a local pony would”, she said. Yeah. She had a point. That could be really awkward, especially if she shifted into, say, the Mayor or Princess Celestia? Yeah, that could be a problem. I wondered if we could get into movies for free that way?

“So, where to?”, she asked. I shrugged.

The only thing that might be open this time of the morning might be the bakery. They always opened really early. I wondered if Pinkie Pie’d be working the counter. Of course she would. Did she ever sleep? Then I wondered if she was a speed freak. She acted like a speed freak. Wait! What was I thinking? Oh, yeah. We had to figure out where we were going. Okay. Plan. I started heading for Twi’s house. Nona stared at me.

“I still have a key”, I said, “we can probably sneak in, get to my room.”

“You may not be smart but you got balls!”, she said. Thanks. Wait... What?!

I noticed Nona’s shape kept shifting a little.

“I’m too tired to keep this form”, she said. She was reading my mind again? That could be convenient. She shifted back to herself after a minute.

Finally, Twi’s house. I took the very expensive key from my pocket, stuck it in the very expensive lock, turned it. Nothing! Shit! She’d changed the locks already? Fuck! That bitch had some connections! I tried again.  Still nothing. Then, the sound of hooves clacking on the very expensive oak wood floors. Nona jumped down off the porch, scrambled into the space underneath.

“Ooh, nice! Spiders!”, I heard her say a moment later from under the porch. Next, the sound of her whip-like tongue flicking rapidly in and out. I thought of videos I’d seen of ant eaters attacking an ant hill and winced.

I heard the doorknob click, the door opened a crack. Twi peeking angrily out at me.

“What do you want?”, she asked. She looked like she’d been up all night crying. I didn’t ask.

“Uh... My stuff... Maybe?”

“Yeah, sure, okay”, she said, leaving the door open then turning and heading back down the hallway.

‘Yes!’, I thought.

I headed straight up to my room, locked the door behind me when I got inside, started looking around. Yes! Rope! Yeah!

I opened the very expensive window above the porch, took out the very expensive screen, set it carefully aside, uncoiled the rope and dropped an end out the window.

A moment later Nona was hovering outside, her weird little wings flapping like a humming bird and buzzing like a chainsaw. Why didn’t it dawn on me that Nona wouldn’t need a rope? I cringed at my own stupidity.

“Shhhh!”, I stage whispered, alarmed, as I snatched her into the room. I pulled the rope back in, stuck that very expensive screen back into that very expensive window and shut it.

Nona started tiredly crawling onto the bed covers. Just then I noticed the stink.

“Nuh uh! No way!”, I said, “you ain’t sleeping on that bed all funky like that!”

I walked toward the very expensive private bathroom. Yeah, my room had its own bathroom. Nice! I paused, turned and looked at Nona. She stared at me for a second then got up and followed.

A moment later we were standing in the shower, a nice, steamy stream of hot water flowing down our bodies. Nona was really getting into it! It hit me; had she ever taken a shower, before?

“No, I haven’t but this is wonderful!”, she cooed. Fuck! Mind reading me, again! I thought of how that could be annoying at times. My brain assaulted me; if she never took showers how’d she keep clean?

“You don’t want to know”, she said. Yeah that mind reading thing could definitely be annoying.

I grabbed the soap, started washing myself. When I was done I thought of Nona turning her back to me. She did. I started washing it.

“Ooh!”, she cooed as I scrubbed, “You know I’m loving this, right?”

‘Yeah’, I thought. I knew she’d hear it.

After a while she took the soap, started washing my back. It was so nice! I thought of the times Twi’d washed my back. Nona slapped my back with the little towel she was washing me with. Crap!

“Horny thing!”, she giggled.

“Yeah, I’m just a regular manslut”, I chuckled.

Later, washed and dried, we crawled into bed. Nona snuggled tight against me under the covers.

It was weird. She felt good laying against me like that. I started making out with her. She didn’t push me away.

I started kissing down her body. Her breathing deepened and got more rapid.

A moment later my face was down between her legs. I stuck out my tongue and started licking, searching for her clit. Changeling pussy? Changeling pussy!

“No! Stop! Don’t do that!”, shouted Nona, really alarmed as she grabbed my head and pushed it away from her crotch, “Don’t ever do that!”

I stared up at her.

“Because that’s a dangerous thing to do!”, she said, reading my mind. I wondered why.

“Because watch!”, she said.

Okay, maybe the mind reading thing could be convenient at times.

She spread her legs, revealing the bright pink slit of her very wet pussy. She closed her eyes and started stroking it with the flat of her hand.

A moment later, a pink, whip-like thing that looked like her tongue peeked out, started moving around like it was searching for something.

“Put your cock near it”, she gasped, breathing hard now.

“What?!”, I gasped, “no way!”

“Please!”, she begged, “I’m so horny now! Give it to me!”

That pink whip thing coming out of her pussy was searching more frantically now.

I shrugged. What did I have to lose... Except my Mister Happy? Fuck it!

On my knees, I scooched up close to her. A second later that pink whip thing wrapped itself frantically around my cock, started undulating all over it but then it started pulling me inside her. Damn! The whip thing had a grip like a professional wrestler! There was no way I could resist or pull back even if I wanted to, which I kinda did but not. Besides this thing would have ripped Mister Happy out by the roots if I’d pulled back. Fuck it! I let it pull me inside her.

She didn’t move her hips. She didn’t have to. That whip thing in her was rubbing all over my cock now like I was fucking  an Earth worm on meth! Then the whole inside of her pussy started squeezing on me, undulating like I had my cock in the  cup of a milking machine! I told you! Never ask how I know these things!

Anyway, it felt great! Better than anything I’d ever felt in my life! Within a minute she was shouting hot gasps in my ear cumming harder and harder! She just held tight to me, biting my ears! Ooh, that was hot! A minute later, screaming, I nutted the biggest load of my life in her!

She tightened up like a spring, gave one last gasping shout and went limp.

“Fuck, I needed that!”, she gasped. All I could do was lay there on top of her gasping, myself. Yeah, a lot of gasping.

Just then my slow brain had another thought. I shuddered. It’s a good thing I hadn’t finished what I’d started doing on the step stool the day before. That would have been incredibly embarrassing if Twi’d come home just then and seen that!

Then another thought. What if that thing had wrapped itself around my head while I was trying to eat her out?

“It would have pulled your head in and you would have suffocated”, Nona said, still breathless. I shuddered. Wait? That thing could pull my head into her pussy?

“Yes”, Nona said, “I would have cummed incredibly hard but you would have died.”

“You’re the weirdest pony I ever met”, I said.

“I’m not a pony, I’m a bug”, she whispered in my ear as she snuggled harder against me.

Wait... What?! A bug? How was Nona a bug? I’d been fucking a bug?! No way! I’d been fucking a bug! Fuck! I’d been fucking a bug! At least you don’t have to ask me how I knew that! You were there! You saw it! Be afraid!

Should I be freaked out by this? I wondered.

“Get over it”, she muttered, then, “If you’re going to be so fucking offensive then maybe I should just get up and leave!”, growled Nona in my ear. In that moment her mind reading was a real pain in the ass.

“I’m sorry”, I apologized. I was sincere, then, “So what was that whip thing?”, I asked.

“My clit”, she said.

“That was your clit?! The whole thing?!”, I said. Yeah, I was honestly surprised.

“Yes”, she said, “That’s why I cum so hard.”

I shrugged. That made as much sense as anything else in my fucked up life in this fucked up town in this fucked up world. Or maybe it was just me? Maybe Equestria wasn’t so fucked up? Maybe I’d just seen nothing but all the weird shit? Who knew? I didn’t.

Suddenly I wasn’t tired, couldn’t sleep. I got up and went to my closet, dug out the box of bits I’d been saving along with a counting machine.

I plopped down on the floor, opened the box, dumped a handful of bits into the counting machine, turned it on. It started making a loud, rhythmic metallic rattling noise as it counted.

“Gnah! The fuck?! What’re you doing? Quit it! I’m trying to sleep!”, muttered Nona, sitting up and looking at me sleepily now.

“I’m counting my bits to see how much I got”, I said, as I picked another handful out of the box.

“Well, can you do it later?”, she muttered, as she lay down and pulled a pillow over her head, “I’m tired! I want to sleep!”

I looked at the numbers on the counter; six thousand and I was only about half way done. I dropped another handful into the counter. It kept clacking.

“Gaah!”, shouted Nona angrily, sitting up and staring at me now.

“Why the fuck you got to count your bits now?”, she asked.

“Cause I want to see if I’ve got enough to go back to Earth after I pay for the door.”

“What?! Why?!” She looked shocked. And hurt.

“I think I’ve had enough of Ponyville”, I said, “Besides, I can’t stay in this house, anymore. I’d have no place to live and I don’t want to be homeless in Ponyville. It wouldn’t be hard but it’d be really embarrassing. I don’t want to go through that.”

She stared at me like her heart was breaking.

“What... What about me?”, she asked. Her lip was quivering and she looked like she’d start crying any second. I stopped and thought.

Yeah, I could go back to Earth, that’d be cool. I could stay at my moms house until I got settled and into a new place but, what about Nona?

“What about you?”, I asked, counting again.

That did it! She was pissed, now! She threw the covers off, jumped out of the bed, ran over to me and back handed me right across the head! I fell back with a yelp. Shit, that hurt! She hit hard! I stared up at her.

Her horn was glowing and she looked like she couldn’t decide if she wanted to kill me or eat me first and then kill me. In either case she was mad! Really mad!

“We’ve just been through adventures, together, and I fucked you! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?!”, she shouted. I stared up at her as the machine counted the last of the coins I’d put in. After a minute it just whirred. Nona growled and kicked it. Bits went all over the floor, some of them rolled under the very expensive dresser. Fuck, now I’d have to move that heavy ass thing out of the way to get them.

“Fuck that thing!”, she growled. I stared back up at her, again. Another thought. She has feelings for me? I’d suspected as much but now I was really wondering.

She stared angrily at me for a minute, then her expression softened. She squatted down next to me, wrapped her arms around my neck.

“Yes”, she said in a quiet whisper. Well, that answered that question.

“Okay, so, go with me, then.”, I shrugged, “I’m sure you don’t want to stay here any more than I do, now.”

“Really?!”, she smiled.

“Yeah, sure, why not? You know what a softy I am. I’d feel like shit if I left you here to deal with fuck all on your own.”

“Thank you!”, she squeaked happily, hugging me tightly now, “Oh, and I’m sorry I hit you.”

I reached up, felt the sore spot, realized there was going to be a bruise there. Fuck it. I shrugged, picked up the counting machine, started collecting my bits off the floor.

A moment later Nona’s horn glowed. The bits that had rolled under that VERY EXPENSIVE dresser floated out from underneath and into the pile I was making.

“Thanks”, I said, as I started pouring a handful into the counting machine, again. Nona gathered up the rest of the coins, dropped them in front of me.

“So, when do we go?”, she asked.

“As soon as we can get out of this house without getting killed by Twi”, I said. She giggled.

Just then the loud pounding of a hoof on the door.

“You... Prick!”, came Twi’s loud shout, “you brought that changeling slut back into my house again, didn’t you?”

Yeah, she was pissed. She’d probably kill me now in some really fucked up, magical way, maybe turn me into a hayburger and eat me or some other fucked up thing. I shrugged. Fuck it.

I got up, walked over to the door and opened it. Twi looked past me, saw Nona. Her horn started glowing hotly. Nona glared back at her, her own horn glowing now. They looked like they were going to try to kill each other any second.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m leaving! I’m going back to Earth”, I said.

Twi’s face snapped toward me. Her jaw dropped. She stared.

“Leaving..?”, she said, breathless from the shock, “but, I thought you loved it here?”

“I do... I did, but... You know”, I shrugged.

She turned, started to leave. I asked her to wait. She did.

“I want to give you the bits for the door. What was it, again? Twenty five hundred?” I grabbed coins and started counting them.

“Forget the door”, she shrugged, “It’s been taken care of. Don’t worry about it.”

“You sure?”, I asked.

“Yeah”, she sighed as she turned to walk away looking like her dog had just died.

“I really don’t want to leave here owing you anything”, I said.

“Yeah, you’re good that way”, she said quietly as she headed downstairs, “But, like I said, don’t worry about it.”

I finished counting the bits. About twelve thousand. Nice. That’d be more than enough.

I put them in a leather bag, threw on some clothes, threw  the rest of my stuff into a duffle bag I dug out of the closet. Yeah, I really didn’t have a lot of shit to take with me. That was good.

A moment later Nona and me were downstairs. I looked in the kitchen. Empty. I counted out twenty five hundred bits, laid it on the table.

“She said you didn’t have to pay for the door”, Nona said.

“Hey, it’s my thing”, I said as we headed for the front door.

Just then, Twilight, coming down the hall.

“Let me talk to you”, she said to me as I was about to open the door, then, glaring at Nona, “She can wait outside next to the rest of the trash.”

Nona glared at her, started to say something, thought better of it, turned and stomped outside, slamming that very expensive front door behind her.

“Look... You don’t have to go”, she quietly to me as we sat at the kitchen table. I shrugged.

“I can’t stay here anymore, where would I live?”, I asked. She looked at the table and shrugged.

“So, there you have it”, I said, rising from my chair.

“Wait!”, she said, walking up to me. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight.

“I don’t want you leaving on bad terms with me, okay? I’d hate that.”

I closed my eyes and hugged her back. “Yeah, okay”, I said, “So we’re good, then?”

“Yeah, we’re good”, she nodded. She kissed me. “You be safe, take care of yourself, okay?”

I nodded as I turned and headed out the door, paused, looked back at Twi.

“Hey, let the Apples know I’m gone, okay?”, I said. She nodded.

Just then I remembered something Nona’d told me at the dump that morning. Sunlight made her sick. I raced outside, worried, looked around. No Nona!

“I’m down here!”, came Nona’s voice from under the porch, “It’s the only shady place where I could get out of the sun!”

I felt a sense of relief. Just then I noticed the wet, sticky sound of her tongue flicking in and out again. I didn’t want to try to imagine what she was eating this time.

Twi’d been standing behind me. She’d heard the whole thing. She stepped inside, returned a minute later with a parasol, handed it to me. I looked at her.

“She’ll need that”, she said.

“Thanks”, I smiled. Just then Nona crawled cautiously out from under the porch, up to where we were standing, snatched the parasol, opened it, held it up over her head, turned to Twi.

“Thanks”, she said with a crooked half smile.

Twi just shrugged before going back inside and closing the door.

Nona and I headed off for the transport terminal. She was in her normal form. She didn’t give a damn.

Ponies that saw her walking down the street panicked and ran away, screaming. We got to the terminal. Same thing! Hey! At least there wouldn’t be a line.

We stepped up to the counter. The cute blonde maned filly working behind it looked like she’d piss herself in fear.

“Two tickets for Earth”, I said. She took my bits and handed back two ticks with trembling hands. She was sweating now.

“Thanks”, I nodded to her as Nona and I headed off for the transport machines.

A minute we were standing in front of the arches of the transport machine.

“You sure you wanna do this with me?”, I asked Nona. She smiled that fangy smile of hers and nodded quickly.

‘How the fuck am I gonna explain her to my mom?’, I thought, as we stepped through the arches that would take us back to Earth.

‘Really! How? Would my mom freak out or just be glad that I finally had a girlfriend?’ came my final thought.

Lights on the machine began to blink, the arch glowed and we disappeared. Next stop; Earth!