Nona

So there we sat, Nona and me, on a trash heap, just past the edges of the Ponyville Municipal Dump, in the middle of the night wondering what we were doing there and what we were going to do, next. With no homes of our own, now, what would we do?

Yeah, Twilight was definitely not happy with me. I mean, I knew she would have been willing to forgive me for smashing her very expensive door in her very expensive house but bringing in a changeling? I wondered if she’d ever speak to me again.

I turned to see Nona catching and eating flies. Flies? Why couldn’t it be something classy like crickets? Why’d it have to be flies? I decided right then and there her lips would never touch mine!

Still, it was fascinating to watch, in a really creepy sort of way.

Her tongue! It was like a thin, red whip at least six feet long flicking out from her mouth, snagging a fly and whipping it back instantly to its demise as she swallowed it. Did she even bother chewing?

Again, that slow motion vore thing as she swallowed, the small lump rolling down her throat as the hapless fly was dragged irresistibly down her gullet to an acidy doom. Was it still alive when it went down? I shuddered and was glad I wasn’t a fly!

“So, what do we do now?”, she asked.

“Fuck all if I know!”, I grumbled as I picked up another paper clip, hooked it into its impromptu rubber band slingshot and fired off another round at some nearby totally adorable dump hamsters.

I’d been doing that for an hour and hadn’t hit a single one. They’d gotten to a point where they’d just stand up, stick their tiny fingers in their ears, stick their tongues out and make faces at me.

Nona’s tongue shot out, snagged another fly. It disappeared into her mouth in a blur.

“I mean, sure, the food here’s good but we can’t stay here”, she said, “someone’s bound to find us then we’re screwed.”

I gave her a look.

“You think snagging and gulping down flies is good food?”, I asked, feeling my stomach rise in disgust.

“Well, there are other things I could snack on”, she said, licking her lips and eyeing me.

“Hey! You made a Pinkie Promise!”, I said nervously.

“Not that, silly!”, she said.

Before I could stop her she squatted in front of me, pulled my zipper down. I stared as she pulled my cock out, stuck it in her mouth and started sucking on it.

A blowjob from a changeling at the local dump in the middle of the night. Great! My life was perfect.

“Woah! Hey, woah!”, I shouted, pushing her head away, “You got them fangs, girly! I don’t want my horn ending up with more holes in it than yours does!”

She looked up at me.

“Yeah, good point”, she said, then, “watch.” (Holy shit! Did she just try a pun?)

She lifted her upper lip with her finger, revealing her teeth and, as I watched, those enormous and very scary fangs retracted into her gums and disappeared. “There, better?”, she asked.

“Uh, wow”, I said, not knowing what else to say.

She leaned down and went back to work on Mister Happy.

She looked up at me, smiled, wiped the spit from her chin.

“Like it?”, she asked.

“I wasn’t really in the mood and this is a really weird place to be doing this, anyway.”

“I thought it was a good idea. Something nice for you, free protein for me, win win! But, hey, if you don’t want to”, she shrugged.

"We’re in a public place”, I said, “I mean, anypony could come by and see us, you know?”

She rolled her eyes.

“Oh, yeah! Look around at all the ponies running around here in the middle of the night!”, she said, sarcastically, “we could charge admission! We’d make a fortune!”

Smartass. Still, she had a point. I looked around. There wasn’t a pony to be seen for miles! Only those smarmy little dump hamsters  who were slapping their asses and mooning me. Annoying.

I saw a brick, grabbed it, chucked it at them. They scattered with little squeaks as it hit the ground near them, reappearing a moment later. They squeaked angrily and flipped their tiny middle fingers at me. Only in Equestria!

I looked at her, shrugged, put my cock away.

A moment later she nestled her head down on my lap, closed her eyes.

“So, what gives with you changelings anyway?”, I asked.

“What do you mean?”, she asked.

“Okay, no offense, but you all seem so out of place in Equestria, like you don’t belong here. I mean, look around! It’s the land of pastel colored joy and happiness! Everything’s like something out of a kid’s story book! But, then, there’s you guys, er, gals, er whatever.”

She put her hand under her face, sighed and closed her eyes, snuggling deeper into my lap.

“We were never meant to be here because... reasons”, she said.

It was instantly clear to me she really didn’t want to talk about it so I let it go.

I was in a talking mood so I thought of another question. I hoped it wouldn’t bug her.

“So, why did you get chucked out of your hive?”, I asked.

She opened her eyes, looked up at me, sighed.

“You’ve been so nice to me all day so I guess I owe you an explanation of that at least”, she said. I waited.

“I got thrown out for being too nice”, she said.

“The fuck? You got thrown out for being too nice?”

“I won’t eat the souls of ponies or humans I like”, she said. “My mom, Chrysalis, warned me a bunch of times not to do that. I have my principles so I ignored her. She finally got pissed at me and chucked me out for it.”

I sat thinking about that. A changeling with principles? What was next? Discord going to the Grand Galloping Gala in drag in a gown created by Rarity? Wait, that’s something he might actually do!

Just then I remembered something.

“Hey, how do you know so much about stuff from Earth?”, I asked.

“I’ve been to your charming little paradise”, she said, sarcastically, “Oh, yes! Cars! Trucks! Freeways! Planes! Traffic! Pollution! Crime! Poverty Tivo, AOL and the Bush family! Woah! Who’d wanna leave a place like that?”

“And when were you there?”

“A bunch of times”

“When?”

“What, you mean like last time?”

“No, I mean when some old guys in tights signed the Declaration of Independence! Of course I mean last time!”, I said.

She looked at me and giggled.

“I’m rubbing off on you”, she said.

“Like a dog humping my leg”, I said.

She laughed. Yes, she laughed! It was the first time I’d seen her do that since I met her, which really wasn’t that long ago but, still... I didn’t know whether to be charmed or puke!

Still, it was kinda nice in a nice kinda way and it was a lot better than when she’d been screeching, which was something I hoped I never have to hear, again.

“Speaking of humping...”, she said, giving me a look that instantly  made me think of a giant neon sigh that flashed “fuck me!” in hundred foot high letters. For the first time in my life since I’d hit puberty I wasn’t interested in sex! What was wrong with me?! I began trying to remember Lyra’s number, or whoever was working at Ponyville Mental Health these days.

“Seriously! When was the last time you were on Earth?”, I asked. She sighed.

“Give me a minute and I’ll calculate it down to the last nanosecond”, she said. Total sarcasm.

I was catching on fast. She had two kinds of sarcasm;  one kind when she was joking, another kind where she was getting annoyed. She had a unique tone of voice for each one.

“Sorry I asked.”

“I’m sorry”, she sighed, “I’m being a total bitch. You don’t deserve that. You’ve been really nice to me.”

So, there we were sitting in the dump in the middle of the night with her snuggled in my lap and me chucking random objects at the increasingly annoyed and pissed off dump hamsters. Why did it have to be hamsters? Hamsters were useless.

At least they weren’t guinea pigs. I shuddered at the thought of dirty guinea pigs with filthy, nasty matted fur and demonically blazing red eyes manically rummaging through the garbage for half rotten pop tarts.

Suddenly the hamsters didn’t seem so bad to me. I stopped chucking stuff at them. They kept squeaking angrily and flipping me off, anyway.

Nona sat up and looked at me. I noticed, for the first time, here eyes weren’t glowing that sickly green like black light posters in a Berkeley head shop.

“Let’s go”, she said.

“Go? Where? This’s Ponyville. Everything around here closes when the sun goes down”, I said.

“No, not Ponyville, silly! Earth! We can go to Earth!”

I stared at her like she’d suddenly sprouted three heads out of her left shoulder and two out of her right, and then another head out of the first head on her left shoulder just for good measure.

“Besides? We’ve got nothing here, now! I’ve got no hive, you’ve got no home, what’ve we got to lose?”, she asked.

“It costs eight hundred bits for a return ticket to Earth! For two of us, well, sixteen hundred bits”, I said, “and all the money I’ve got has to go to pay Twi for that insanely expensive door of hers.”

“We don’t need tickets”, she said.

Again, another look like she was instantly sprouting heads from everywhere!

“Uh... How do we do this without tickets?”

“Haven’t you ever heard of a teleportation”

“Well, D’uh! Twi uses it all the time. Sometimes too much, I think. Wait, what?!... Are you saying... That you can..?”

Was she really telling me what I thought she was telling me. I couldn’t wait to hear the answer!

Nona didn’t have to say a word. The smile she gave me along with a nod told me everything!

Still, transporting from one place to another was one thing but transporting across dimensions to an entirely different planet?! I couldn’t even begin to imagine how that could be done!

“Uh...”, I muttered, my face blank, mouth hanging open. I must have looked to her in that moment like someone totally wasted on drugs because she did a double take then broke into that raspy laugh of hers.

“What?!”

“Your face just now! It’s too cute!”. She smiled sweetly.

Yeah, were we even here? Was this even happening? Was Equestrian water making me hallucinate again? Ponyville Mental health: Appointment: Make one: ASAP!

I blinked, closed my eyes tight for a second, opened them. Nope! I wasn’t tripping.  We really were sitting in a dump sharing space with angry, manic hamsters and she really was looking at me like that.

She reached up and stroked my face with her fingertips with a look on her face that made me cringe inside. Oh, man! Was she getting... Feelings for me? I didn’t even want to think about it. Me and a love struck changeling? I was beginning to regret getting out of bed that morning!

“How’s that even possible?”, I asked when I thought I was coming back to what I really hoped was reality.

She stood up, looked down at me smiling, held her hand out to me.

“Let me show you.”

I hesitated a moment, skeptical and uncertain of what she was about to do. Sorry, but I still didn’t quite trust this Changeling although, up to this point, she’d given me no reason to distrust her.

I mean, she’d kept her Pinkie Promise so far but I wasn’t sure how long that would last. For all I knew that promise would disappear in an instant if she got too hungry or just got bored with me.

After all, I wasn’t the most interesting guy in the world. Or the most handsome. Or the most well hung. Or... Yeah, I really don’t have a lot going for me but I do the best with what I’m stuck with.

Suddenly, a seeming ADHD moment for her as her eyes shot up toward something fluttering above our heads.

A second later that insanely long, whip-like tongue shot out of her mouth, returning a second later clutching a large, green and desperately fluttering moth. It was huge! Oh, did I mention it was green?

It disappeared into her mouth and, with a gulp and a lick of her lips, it met its fate. Still, why was I getting turned on by watching that lump slide down her throat like that? I began seriously questioning my sanity.

“Ooh, I just love those!”, she cooed delighted, “they’re so... Nice and juicy!”

I cringed as I thought of the bugs I’d squashed in my life, felt my stomach rise as I imagined the taste of such a thing. Nope! I’ll pass, thanks! I stared up at her.

“Well, come on!”, she insisted, smiling, holding her hand out to me again, inviting me to stand up.

I was still hesitant but my curiosity (fuck me!) Got the better of me. I rose to my feet and took her hand and hoped we wouldn’t end up buried in solid rock or, worse, New Jersey!

“Well, hang on! This could get a little bumpy”, she smiled. Was she trying to be reassuring? It wasn’t working! I shut my eyes tight, grit my teeth, held on and prayed we wouldn’t end up in Hoboken!