Chapters Chapter one. I'm screwed.
Jack. Jack Freeman. That's my name, and before you ask. No, I'm not related to Gordon Freeman. At least not that I know off.
I'm twenty-four years old and I live in Canada even though I'm an American. Why? I'll let you wonder about that for now. What else is there to tell? Why am I even having this inner monologue? I have no idea! But what I can tell you is that we need to watch out for those damn pirates over there.
"Yaargh!" The swashbucklers entered my ship one at a time. Unforgivable...
So I did the only sensible thing. I pulled out my lightsaber and started hacking around while screaming like a madman. Apparently it worked as the pirates were dropping like flies. Yes, all those years of videogames finally pay off. Excellent.
But I was not prepared for what I had to face next. There it was... A goddamn giant bird. My biggest enemy. I just HATE birds with their cheerful singing in the morning when I'm trying to sleep, and their scary ways of flapping those wings so damn fast. They creep me out, I'm not gonna lie.
But this wasn't any normal bird. Oh no. This was a humongous bloody turkey! The deadliest of all birds. Even though they can't fly... can they? They're still damn frightening to look at.
I looked back at my men. They had only one to rely on. Me. If I didn't do something they surely had to face the consequences. Here goes nothing!
"LEEEEROOOOOOOY!" I leaped with all my might at my mighty foe. Its eyes showed nothing but death and despair. It was just as ready as I was. I magically pulled out another lightsaber out of thin air and prepared to clash with the beast.
*THUMP*
"Ouch." I was awoken from my slumber as I fell out of my incredibly comfortable bed. My dreams were starting to get crazy lately. I don't know the reason. But it might have had something to do with a certain green substance. Broccoli!
But yeah, I can't just go back to sleep again after waking up. It's four in the morning. Might as well stay up. Well I live alone... Wait! Not exactly! My cat Sergeant Slaughter also lives with me. Even though I'm allergic to cats he's still my best friend! Surely he will keep me company the rest of this lonesome night.
"Hello Mr. Kitty Witty Pew Poo!" I started poking Sergeant Slaughter repeatedly while speaking in perhaps a slightly degrading tone. But that's alright! Sergeant Slaughter would never-
"Growl!" The cat I considered my closest friend leaped right at my face, obviously annoyed of the fact that I woke him up. Blood was shed that night. Unfortunately it was mine... I was defeated by a little cat that weighs about 8 pounds or something.
Sure, I'm a big guy. And I could take out the little bastard with one hit, no problem. But that would be kind of cruel. That's not who I am anymore. Maybe a little when I'm owning scrubs online. But not to defenseless animals.
I felt I had to apologize to the cat for my actions. I didn't know if he could understand me, but it was worth a shot.
"Look Sarge... I'm sorry I woke you up, man. Can we just leave this nasty incident b-" I was interrupted as the demonspawn leaped right into my face once again. He started viciously clawing at my manly beard of manliness. He knew that was my only weakness!
Prepared or not. I grabbed the little bastard with both hooves while he was still clawing me to death, walked to the front door and kicked that annoyance about twenty yards away.
"And don't come back until you've learned your lesson!" I yelled at the beast who was just hissing at me at this point. Clearly it was on. But he submerged into the shadows, plotting his next attempt on my life. I'll be waiting for you damn it!
"Oh Hi Diddily-Dokoli Neighbourino! Got in a fight with the little rascal again?" Another voice suddenly asked.
Oh god not this guy again. My neighbor, Steve. He's exactly like Ned Flanders from The Simpsons and just as annoyingly friendly. I know it's wrong, but I kind of hate this guy.
"Yes Steve... Why the hay is you up so early?" I asked as nicely as I was able.
"Oh you know I like to work on my garden as much as possible! It's much more peaceful working at night, don't you agree?" He said with his annoying stupid smile.
"Ughh... Sure Steve. I'm going back inside. If you see Sergeant Slaughter grab that small bastard and return him to me. Okay?" I asked him, knowing he would do so. Since he's super-nice and all.
"Will do neighbourino! I'll keep an eye out."
"Good. Have fun gardening."
"Tha-"
*SLAM*
I didn't allow him to answer as I slammed the door shut. I entered my living room once again and had to come to a decision. I had to do something to fill up time. Can't just stare at the ceiling the rest of the night and morning. Don't have to work tomorrow.
Guess I'll play some games. I didn't really feel like playing my x-box since I'm way too good for online games anyway. Noobs tremble in fear whenever I enter a game on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 38. Did I mention the year is 2013?
Didn't have a lot of single player games for my console. So I had to turn to my PC. I was recommended by some nice ponies on the internet to try out this little game. It's called Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Well let's give it a try. Why the fuck not?
*Thirty minutes later.*
Okay this game is ridiculous. You don't even have a sniper rifle. The monsters don't scare me... At least they didn't anymore when I turned off the sound. But you literally can't defend yourselves! Why can't I just three-sixty no-scope them? WHY?!
Damn you internet! Why are you recommending these games to me! As you might've noticed by now. I'm a pretty hardcore gamer. The best around! And obviously I only play the most original and perfect games. Not like those weird ponies playing... Minecraft! Get a life freaks! It's just Lego on a computer damn it!
Damn bronies. Always saying those nice things. Oh didn't I mention this before? Yeah, I'm a brony as well. There's something about that show that made my nostalgia-bone explode of awesomeness. I don't care if it's targeted towards little fillies, it's fucking great. Lauren Faust you genius bastard. If you can transform a franchise like My Little Pony into something ponies actually want to watch, who knows what other great things you might be capable off!
Rainbow Dash is obviously the best pony. She's almost as cool as me. But my facial hair will always triumph over her sheer awesomeness.
Anyway, screw this game! Amnesia my ass. I'll go back to a man's game! Yes, after more than thirty sequels, Call of Duty is still breaking their own sale records each year. Therefore it must be the greatest game ever. Right?
Anyway that doesn't matter. I jumped on my couch and laid back while I started my precious x-box. Of course Call of Duty was already in. Doo Dee Doo, lalala okay login. Connect to live. Start game. Pfft, I really hate doing this all the time. Just get me straight into the action!
Finally after a dreadful two minutes of waiting I entered a game. Of course I joined the losing team, no problem though. I'll carry these scrubs to victory myself.
I armed my character with a Machina, RPG-19 and selected the perks: Rocket-leap, Danger Closer and Commandorz. It arms you with a katana that has a twenty-yard slicing range. Also, Call of Duty takes place on Mars now.
So as I entered the game I noticed how there was one guy on the other team whose score was insanely high. Seven-million kills and zero deaths. Seems legit. His name was Diz Cord. So I guessed him to be a brony as well. Love and tolerate right! But I was determined to end his killing spree.
I leaped my character from crater to crater using the RPG to launch myself to great heights. As I was then skillfully soaring through the air I proceeded to take a three-sixty spin and aimed my sniper at the target. Just pull the trigger at the right ti-
*BOOM*
"What? He headshotted me? No fucking way?!" This was impossible, unacceptable and most of all unforgivable. Diz Cord is going down! That I swore.
So now here I was. Death! I haven't seen this respawn timer in like a year. But it gave me time to plot an evil scheme that would surely be able to defeat my nemesis. Yes YES! Come at me bro!
I immediately rushed over to where I last spotted Diz Cord. I arrived at the place where he shot me from before. I tried to track his footprints, a new feature in Call of Duty, but in vain. I could just assume he had a lucky shot on me, was so excited that he burst into tears and laughter from 'defeating' me and then ripped out his internet cable. Probably, there’s no way that he co-
*BOOM*
Another headshot... This fucking guy. He's obviously a cheater. I left the lobby and joined a new one. I started dropping down scrubs again, like usual. But then interrupted by a pinging noise.
"Oh god, it's a message." And not just any message. It's from Diz Cord.
"Why did you leave bro?" The message said.
Well obviously there's only on answer.
"You. Are. A. Hacker!" I send him back.
"Nah, you are just terrible."
Something snapped inside my head after reading those words. Me? Jack fucking Freeman terrible? I'm the best damn player in the world! I'm not even giving this dick the decency to respond.
But a few minutes later he started sending more messages. Insulting my gamertag. What's wrong with Xx-(CoDKillSnip3rpr0elit3)-xX ?
"Oh, and I banged your mom last night!" The next message said.
Seriously?! How old is this kid. He's starting to get annoying now. Damn scrub.
But he just kept spamming me with messages, for some reason ignore didn't work for him. But I refused to log off. I was determined to spend the rest of the night and morning pwning noobs. So I decided to write a message that could possibly end this pitiful harassment. From brony to brony.
"Hay dude. I'm a brony as well! Love and tolerate right? Now please cut this shit out." There. It's send. Now we play the waiting game.
Not even a few seconds later I received another message.
"Oh you're a brony? How cute. Like playing with little plastic dolls do you hmm?"
Wait what? This guy named... Diz Cord is not a brony? This. Fucking. World. I could only sigh at the situation. I just decided to ignore the constant messaging once again while I continued owning scrubs online. But it was sooo annoying.
Literally after an half hour he still didn't stop but I was curious to what Diz Cord had to say. More insults at my mother. More clever remarks at my gamertag. Apparently he knows my name. And there's m-
Wait what? How the flying fuck does he know my name? None of my friends play Call of Duty so they don't know my gamertag. Who the hay is the guy?
As I kept reading I genuinely started getting creeped out. He messaged my address, my phone number. Even my credit card number. Fuck, this is some Templar shit right here.
Fuck this shit. I'm out. I turned off the x-box and went to retrieve some well-deserved breakfast. But as I entered the room shortly after with a bowl of cereal I nearly crapped my pants.
The x-box was back on and it was right on the message menu. Dafuq? I'm sure that I've turned it off. Well once again to be sure. I pressed the big stupid button. But nothing happened. Maybe a minor malfunction, no problem. I'll just pull out the power.
And that's what I did. The TV got turned off and so did the console. Finally, no more creepy th-
Oh god... It's back on again. The cable isn't even plugged in. This is some horror shit right here. But I can't be scared of some superhacker hiding behind his computer. Nope, I've got to much pride to be beaten by a nerd.
"Seriously dude. Why is your name even Diz Cord if you aren't a brony?" I messaged him curiously on my unplugged x-box with a controller without batteries. Clearly I pretended not to be bothered by the spooky things going on.
"That's because I AM Discord!" He messaged back.
Okay, now he thinks he's a god of chaos. This can't be good. I started messaging back once again.
"Dude, what the fuck do you want?"
"Oh, I wanted you to spread chaos. But a pony like you clearly doesn't need my help. I'll just leave you to your faith in Equestria and I'll enjoy the show from the background." He messaged back.
Dafuq is wrong with this guy? He's talking nonsense. Does he really believe he's Discord? My Little Pony isn't real dude. Get over yourself!
"Well FU bro, I'm just gonna try to get some sleep again." I messaged him and destroyed my x-box and television afterwards. Who needs those things anyway?
"You're not going anywhere." A scary voice echoed throughout my small house. But I wasn't bothered. Must've left the sound of my computer on. Yep, that's the case. I have a crazy amount of speakers throughout the entire room, so no wonder it echoed!
As I approached my PC, I noticed there was an episode of My Little Pony playing... Okay, pretty weird, but that's alright... I'll just turn it o-
Then a hoof claw thing of doom reached out from monitor. I'm a pretty strong guy, not gonna lie. But whatever was grabbing me had an ungodlikely amount of strength. I couldn't even compare.
Then he appeared. Discord himself. Even if he's choking me at the moment, I just couldn't believe it. That he is actually here... and real.
"Lead them into despair." He whispered to me.
"Wha-?" I was then pulled straight into the monitor. Blacking out before I was even able to comprehend the situation. This can't be good. Dear god no.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I woke up what felt like weeks later. Looking up to what did not seem my crappy home in the least. In fact... This room is larger than my entire house. Where the hay am I?
The bed I was lying in was enormous as well. But I felt a little awkward lying in it for some reason. So I decided to get out, which also felt awkward. I just couldn't put my finger to it.
"Finger... Where are my fingers...?” I said as I stared in awe at a white marshmallow like thing where my hoof was supposed to be.
It can't be...
I attempted to step out the bed. Like any normal pony would. It did not work. I tried to balance myself on my legs, but simply crashed down flat on my nose after one second. By now I realized that I was no longer pony.
I was... a pony.
I've read the fanfictions! A lot of them, and I never EVER liked the ponification stories. It just doesn't seem to make sense and takes out the entire purpose of a pony in Equestria story.
But there's no time to worry about that. Going to Equestria might seem like a dream to some, but not to me. Oh no, I was glad just watching the show.
I attempted to balance myself. Now on four hooves. I couldn't help but notice some strange gold decorations around my hooves. I must be like a royal guard or something! That's pretty awesome actually.
Oh wow! I gasped as I saw two humongous wings flapping behind me. They looked so much bigger then as they did in the actual show!
What color is my mane? I wondered and attempted to take a peek at my tail. But those huge wings kept blocking my view. I felt as a stupid dog running after his own tail for a minute there.
But yeah! Wings! That means I'm a pegasus and my fur is snow-white. Add golden accessories and it's obvious that I'm one of those Royal Guard clones.
Doesn't matter. I'm sure I can figure out what's going on her-
"Ah you are awaken!" A voice suddenly shouted which startled me to say the least. Didn't expect a pony encounter so soon. How did they do this in fanfics? Just stay cool right? No problem.
But then I noticed the voice that was heard a few seconds ago came from the princess of the night. Princess Luna herself!
Mother of god, to what do I own this honor?! I decided to play it cool, and not speak. Just look at the ceiling as if I'm super awesome.
"Are you alright?" Luna asked.
I just nodded in return.
"It's good to see you awake once again. I can't possibly keep doing all the work alone."
Work? What did she mean? But I just nodded once again.
"Why aren't you speaking?" Luna asked as she was frowning at me.
"Uhh, Where a-" As these words rolled of my tongue I was disturbed beyond normal meanings. My masculine, deep awesome voice. It's gone... In return I've gotten a sweet, elegant and feminine tone now. What the hay?
I backed away questioning what was going on once again. However I immediately crashed and tripped over the huge bed, landing right on my snout. But there was more that got hit... Apparently I have a horn as well.
"Sister! Are you alright?" Luna shouted.
"S-sister?" I immediately crawled back up and started looking for a mirror. I found a hoof or hoof mirror on a nearby dresser. I tried to pick it up as if I still had hooves. So obviously it fell down on the ground. Just a few shards of the mirror were lying in front of me now. But it was enough to see my face.
I'm not a royal guard...
I'm Princess Celestia...
Oh my dear god. I then fainted once again, right in Luna's hooves. It had become too much for my brain to process.
Discord, you sick bastard!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Authors note; Okay... This is the story I came up with after not sleeping for two days straight. It's my second story I've ever written. Let me know if you like it or not, and remember that I always appreciate constructive criticism.
So I woke up later once again, hoping all of this was just a stupid dream. I opened my eyes... and knew that it was not, as Princess Luna's face was directly in front of mine.
"Ah!" Slightly startled I backed away, hitting my head once again. "Ouch." That was my horn.
Oh yeah... I'm Princess Celestia. Dear god, what a sick joke. I just had to facepalm at the situation... OH WAIT, I don't have a palm, just a damn hoof!
"Are you alright sister? You've hit your head pretty hard a few times now." Princess Luna asked concerned.
She was right; my head was hurting like crazy. Not so because I've hit it, but more from all the questions I currently have. My brain was already working overtime due to all the randomness.
What exactly happened? I was playing Call of Duty and BOOM! Suddenly Discord in my face. Next thing you know, I'm in Canterlot in the body of basically the goddess of little colorful ponies.
Why would Discord do such a thing? Does he really think I'll just completely mess up this entire world? Nah, obviously I'm a more than capable leader. I'd be President of the USA if I wasn't so lazy, I'm certain!
Wait! I didn't just play Call of Duty before coming here. I played that other stupid game without snipers or shotguns as well. It was called... Amnesia right? BRILLIANT! I've just gotten the best idea ever.
"Oh goodness, what is going on? Where am I? Who are you?!" I said waving my hooves around dramatically. Might as well play stupid, ponies didn't seem so peaceful I thought. I mean... Luna was banished to the moon for a thousand years after all. And if the real Celestia was still around, she would kick my ass, I'm sure. I hoped she wasn't in my body back on Earth. Nah, that wouldn't make any sense since I was dragged through the monitor by Discord. I'm sure she'll show up eventually.
But I was determined to prove to Discord that I'm a more than capable leader! At least, that's if Princess Luna would buy that crappy lie I just told. I'm terrible at lying because I never felt the need for it.
"Oh Tia! You do not recognize me anymore? How awful!" Princess Luna answered still concerned.
Dafuq? That was rather easy. Guess I'm better at lying than I thought. "Ah yes! What is going on exactly?!" I asked dramatically once again.
"Ever since Discord escaped and assaulted you right here in Canterlot, you've been unconscious." Luna answered.
"Discord escaped?" Well duh.
Princess Luna nodded. "Yes. However, after that event he hasn't shown himself ever since. But I'm glad you're back on your hooves again, I'm sure your memory will return over time!"
Oh my god. I hope the real Celestia is alright.
"And you are?" I asked. Hay, I had to keep going with the lie should I not?!
But it apparently really saddened Luna that I did not 'recognize' her. Looking straight in to those sad big blue eyes made me realize I couldn't keep up this charade.
"Wait... You're Luna right?" I said sheepishly.
"Huzzah! You remember!" She said overjoyed. "And do you also know who you are?"
"Of course, I'm Princess Celestia, The Great and Powerful Ruler of Equestria!" Hay, I couldn't help myself. Unfortunately Celestia's voice just didn't work out for those lines. I then proudly tapped my crown, showing off the bling-bling I was currently wearing.
But apparently my tone didn't bother Princess Luna at all. If anything, she seemed happy. I guess she was really concerned about her sister, and is just glad to see her awake once again... I just really hope Luna doesn't find out that it's not actually her, but me! She'll toss me straight into the sun when that happens.
"I will leave you to rest for now sister, but prepare, for we will present you to the citizens of Canterlot later this day. Knowing that their princess is well will surely boost moral once again. It's been pretty down since Discord's escape." Princess Luna said to me, and left the room afterwards. Leaving me alone.
So I need to present myself to the civilians later? Dear god, I'm not that good with crowds of ponies... or ponies for that matter. But I guess it would make sense to make an appearance. Surely my presence alone will brighten up their spirits!
But I was pretty eager to try out these wings. I mean... what the hay? Flying is only like, the coolest thing ever.
I stoop up tall on all four hooves. Atop the enormous bed and spread my wings out as far as possible. They weren't that hard to move around once I got used to them. Flying will obviously be like a walk in the park for a professional like me, easy as that.
I then leaped up in the air and flapped them as fast as possible! Everything seemed to be going well until...
I crashed down exactly two seconds later. Apparently flying is harder than I thought it to be.
No problem, I´ll jump off a mountain later. That´s how penguins learn to fly right? It'll work out in the end.
But I still had a magical horn! Surely with this 'device' I could be capable of deploying powerful magic and possibly summoning or conjuring certain items. Yes... YES! All the magic!
So I prepared to do whatever my horn was capable off but came to a sudden realization. I have no idea how to use magic...
I guess I can go and ask Princess Luna. She seemed pretty oblivious to what was going on. Hopefully she'll buy this as well.
So I left the bedroom and ventured through the huge castle halls having no idea where to go to. It was literally filled with countless of Royal Guards who all pretended to be a statue or something, until I passed them at least. They all greeted me with a salute afterwards.
"Where is Luna?" I asked to none in particular. One of the Royal Guards immediately stepped forward to answer me. He creeped me out a bit to be honest.
"Your sister is currently in her own quarters your highness!" He said with a serious tone. He then pointed me towards it.
Have to say. I like the fact that I'm being acknowledged, even though it's not really me. Minor details right? Still a bit awkward though.
"Uh, thank you." I had no idea how to stay in character for such an event. Clearly I still need a lot of practice.
I proceeded walking further into the castle where the guard had pointed me to.
It started getting darker... and scarier. This was definitely Princess Luna's quarters.
But even in these circumstances I started getting distracted once again.
"Whoa dude..." I said silently as I stared in awe at my mane which was majestically flowing through the air in front of my face. The pretty bright colors was quite a sighting from up close. It's almost as if-
Hay what's that over there! Distracted once again I spotted a black small creature in the shadows slightly further. I approached it slowly, but it wasn't such a bright idea I thought as I got closer.
Bats... Countless of bats.
*SCREECH*
"Oh god! They're coming straight for me!" I panicked as the swarm of bats started attacking me. I frantically waved my hooves around desperately trying to protect myself. Wish I knew how to magic already.
But I couldn't do anything! By now the bats were all over me. Some even in my super colorful mane. I got scared and started screaming in panic. Damn bats! Who the hay keeps those disgusting creatures around.
"Halt!" A loud voice echoing throughout the entire castle ordered the bats to stop. It was Princess Luna, and she was frowning for some reason. But she was too late. There I was... Defeated, and defenseless on the ground.
"Why... Why would you order your bats to attack me?" I asked her as helpless as possible.
"They weren't attacking you Tia... They were just happy to see you again after being unconscious for so long." Princess Luna said facehooving.
Oh, that might make more sense actually yeah. I stoop up once again, and approached Luna. "I'm truly sorry sister!" I said. "Having my memories lost is extremely troublesome; I did not remember your lovely bats. Also, it appears that I have lost my ability to use magic." Let's hope she's buying it.
"Goodness your magic?! We have to fix this right away." Luna said shocked.
Looks like she's falling for it again. I guess it's not too strange since ponies are honest 99% of the time from what I can tell by the show.
"How exactly can't you use your magic sister? Please tell me more." Luna asked concerned once again.
"Well you see... I forgot how to use this thing here." I then tapped my magical horn.
"Ah, but it's easy to conjure magic sister. Just think of it as an extra hoof for levitation for example. You just need to clear your mind and focus all your magic within your horn."
"Okay..." I took a deep breath and prepared. Just focus right? I'll just try to vision myself lifting up this little stool right here. I closed my eyes and focused as hard as I could.
And slowly but surely the stool started moving. I remained calm on the outside, but on the inside I was as happy as a kid in a candy store. I'm doing magic! YAY!
But apparently I wasn't really good at it since the little stool was suddenly shattered into a million pieces. Dafuq!?
"Hmm. It appears you're still having difficulty controlling and suppressing your magic. I know a simple exercise for that!" Princess Luna had an idea. She flew into her room and came back a few seconds later holding a candle. She placed it slightly further in the hall.
"Try and focus your magic to create a small flame to light the candle now sister. When you can do this properly you'll be able to normally use your magic again. I'm certain!"
"Okay, that sounds simple enough." I was determined to get this done right.
"Ah, but it's harder than it might seem. Don't be discouraged if you can't get it done right away." Luna said preparing me.
Bitch please; I have a level 48 Warlock. Pretty sure I know what I'm doing.
I narrowed my eyes and prepared. How hard can it be, just to conjure a little stupid flame? Pfft, we'll find out soon enough. I focused all my magic into my horn! That's the best way I can explain it and formed an ember. I then proceeded to launch it towards the small candle.
This was a terrible idea.
The flames I managed to produce were FAR from stupid and harmless. They burned with the intensity of a thousand suns and were as high as the enormous halls we resided in. Also, everything was on fire now. Including the candle in my defense!
"Oh damn! I'm sorry!" I shouted.
But Princess Luna did not look worried. With the use of some spooky dark magic she managed to not extinguish the flames all around us, but completely 'delete' them. Pretty interesting.
"I think you should start with something smaller... Why don't you read up some books at the library?" Princess Luna said to me.
"Yeah... I think that's a better idea." I grinned sheepishly and left afterwards. Thank god Luna was able to get rid of the flames. Might've burned down the entire castle otherwise.
But I was pretty impressed. I had no idea Princess Celestia's magic was so powerful. I mean... I just summoned some enormous chaotic flames of doom without even trying. What am I capable of if I actually gave it some effort? Let's hope I don't go mad with power. Don't want to end up as a bad super-villain in the end. Just take it slow and one step at a time. Whatever it is I'm going to be doing.
I arrived at the library. I already knew where it was as I passed it before seeing Luna. Thank god it was empty. Didn't feel like meeting more ponies just yet.
It was a well-organized library. How did I know this? Because I was immediately able to find some books I was looking for even though I've never set hoof in a library my entire life.
"Magic for Dummies." Yeah, that'll work for now.
Blablabla. Twenty-five easy basic magic tricks. Blablabla. Wait... Why does this book look so familiar?
Hmm... That's right! I saw Twilight Sparkle work with this book in the Trixie episode. Then... It must be in here! Which number was it? Come on!!! Ahah! Number 25.
Fuck yeah! The best spell ever! I followed the instructions and did everything one step at a time. It literally took me like thirty minutes to complete this spell since magic was harder than it might seem to some.
But nothing happened... I wasn't gonna keep it, I swear, but it would still be nice to have a good number 25 on my face once again. Yep, a moustache. Like the one Spike had in said episode. Too bad it didn't work. Couldn't figure out why, I did everything the stupid book told me to. It must be outdated or something. Clearly I didn't do anything wrong.
I tossed away the book in disappointment and decided to call it a day. More magic tomorrow and perhaps I'll consider learning how to fly eventually. I just really need to figure out what's going to be happening from now on. I can't screw this up!
I proceeded to leave the library and head back to my bedroom. Sleep out the rest of the day, but was interrupted by a Royal Guard stopping me on the way.
"Princess! Your sister expects to meet you right away at the balcony." The Royal Guard told me.
"Uhh, okay. Thank you." I wondered what Luna would need me for right now.
Years of Call of Duty made me an expert on tracking things. I immediately found a path leading to said balcony. Really, it wasn't that hard to find. Just follow the army of Royal Guards.
Anyway, there I was reunited with Princess Luna once again. "What's going on?" I asked.
"Ah Tia. I'm glad you made it here this fast. I've prepared an audience with the civilians of Canterlot with you right now, just to let them know you're back on your hooves." She answered.
I peeked out the curtains to see what I would be facing.
Mother of god... There's like a hundred ponies over there! My brain is not yet ready for this. But it would make sense for my just to show my face for a bit. I don't have to say anything... just wave my hooves around a while and let them know their 'ruler' is alright.
I took a deep breath. I can do this, I'm sure. If I had to prove to Discord that I'm an excellent leader, now would be the time.
So I stepped through the curtains. Suddenly I felt a strange magical interference. Being a magical pony and all made be able to sense these things. But I shrugged it off and kept walking.
"Hello!" I waved around my hoof a bit. But suddenly every 'pony' went silent.
Dafuq? Is there something on my face?
"The horror!" A voice suddenly shouted from the crowd.
"Oh dear, that can't be good can it not?" Another snobby voice added.
Then the entire crowd started bursting into laughter. Why? I didn't understand a single thing of what was going on. I trotted back inside, feeling embarrassed of course. But I couldn't figure out why.
"Luna... Why are they laughing at me?" I asked the other Princess.
"Uhmm, Tia... You have a little something right there." She tapped her hoof right against my nose.
Oh shit. It's the number 25. Apparently the spell had a delayed effect or something. Guess the citizens thought it to be funny to laugh at their ruler with a giant moustache. Luna helped me to dispose of it again.
I thought the ponies of Equestria were nice... That they wouldn't judge somepony. But apparently I've been mistaken as I can judge from their actions right now.
How dare they laugh at me! Where do they get the nerve to make fun of me! Do they know who I am?
I'm... I'm... Hmm. Hmm. I started chuckling a bit.
I'm their ruler! They can't make fun of me, or I'll punish them. They will face the consequences if I'm ever being mocked.
Yes... I have that power now. If I want something, I can make it happen. Anything I want! And I'll only become more powerful than ever before when I'm able to properly control my magic!
"Muaha... MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" My chuckling slowly started turning into maniacal laughter.
"Huzzah! I'm glad you can see the fun side of all of this Tia!" Princess Luna then joined the laughter, once again completely oblivious to my currently unknown intentions.
And oh we laughed, in glorious harmony!
Soon... Yes, very soon!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Authors note; Okay, updates from now on will come as randomly as possible. I can't make any promises. But expect them to come in between two days from now and sixteen years. Simply said. Soon.
Chapter three. I love the power.
Okay! So you might think I've gone insane with power. Well no, actually not yet. I still need to properly be able to control my magic before I'm actually able to do anything. At best right now I can levitate and burn things. Useful sure, but not enough.
But still. I hold the title of 'ruler' of Equestria. That counts for something; I have more than enough power I currently need just by name.
Than what am I going to do you ask? Well that's very simple. I'm going to rule Equestria of course, but in my own personal vision. Things are going to be quite different around here as long I'm in charge, that's for sure.
That was my mission. To prove to Discord I'm the best damn leader there can be. But seriously, if one of those ponies laughs at me again, like they did in the moustache fiasco, they'll just buy themselves a one way ticket to the moon.
No one will be mocked under my command! Everypony will be treated as an equal. Except myself of course. I'm royalty for god’s sake!
Ughh... I should probably teach myself to use pony puns and start saying 'everypony' instead of everypony. That's fine, I can live with that. It's still better than talking with a Canadian accent, eh?
I need my magic... I wonder if I'm able to bring certain items back from my own world. If I could get my Xbox here that would be amazing. And I have some other things in mind. He he.
But we'll figure that out later. My first night in Equestria has passed and the next cheerful day has arrived once again. I figured I had to raise the sun or something; thank god Princess Luna was working overtime to fulfill both our duties in my absence. I guess I should thank her for that. Later maybe.
So I just came back from the toilet. Some ponies might ask; Hay Jack! That must be pretty weird since you're a female now right?
WRONG.
Or actually correct. It was pretty weird having... lady parts. But not even close to how strange it was being a bloody pony.
I mean... Have you ever seen how a pony’s bathroom looks like? Damn toilet looks like something Jigsaw fixed together on his day off. It was damn frightening to look at and a pain in the ass to use.
But I'm the boss around here now. I'll snap my fingers... or clap my hooves or something, and they'll build me a completely new one. Something I'll add to my to do list as well. Next to learning magic, flying, meeting more ponies and acquiring my new uniform.
Yeah, that's right. A damn uniform. I didn't care that much for the gold I was wearing and crowns are so outdated.
So I asked Princess Luna to go to town earlier and ask for one of the many fashionistas in Canterlot to design me some worthy attire.
I definitely needed a cape. That will look super awesome once I'm able to fly. The color has to be black. Always loved that color, and it'll go nice with my snow-white fur.
And... a hat! Yes, a ruler of my stature must have something like that. A large military peaked cap. With a worn rim and winged insignia of course! Obviously this one needs to be red.
I have no idea how I came up with these weird designs. Must've subconsciously reminded me of somepony. Doesn't matter! I'll have them in a few days. Until then, I'll just keep practicing my magic. It was currently more important than flying since Celestia's duties, such as raising the sun required magic.
I've been quite a lot better actually, even though it's only been one day. I'm good at pretty much everything, as long I put my mind to it. Unfortunately I'm way too lazy to actually put effort in to some things, but for this I'd obviously make an exception.
I went from conjuring demonic flames of doom to creating more controlled fire. Sure the flames were still pretty big, but at least they weren't burning down the castle anymore. I'm getting the hang of this, no problem. Princess Luna said that once I'm able to light a candle from a distance without burning everything around it will bring my magical levels back to normal.
Whatever normal was for Celestia. I was satisfied just being able to just magic. It's fucking great. Eventually I'll be capable of much greater things muahahaha!
I was still in my bedroom, chilling until something interesting would happen. It did not take long.
Suddenly a bright flashing object appeared next to me, engulfed in green flames, summoned straight from hell.
"OH SHIT!" I heroically jumped behind my bed to take cover.
I waited for the object to explode, for some reason that was the only conclusion I could make for what this thing was. Apparently I was wrong as nothing happened.
I took a quick peek from my hiding place to take a note of the situation. Didn't see any bombs around yet. But no chaotic flaming thing either.
There was however, a large scroll on my bed.
"Of course!" I facehooved. This was the ponies’ equivalent of an e-mail. I must've gotten a message.
I leaped up my bed once again. Obviously I was never scared in the first place, and magically levitated the scroll in front of me. Well would you look at that. Me, doing magic all by myself!
I deserve a tap on the shoulders to be honest. *tap* There we go.
Anyway back to the message.
______________________Dear Princess Celestia.
We've all been overjoyed back here in Ponyville upon hearing you've recovered from your coma. Princess Luna told us this yesterday, she also mentioned that you have lost some of your memories. I guess that was to be expected after you heroically fought of Discord all on your own.
I sincerely hope you still remember all of us back here, and that's why we're coming over to visit you tomorrow afternoon. We all wish you the best.
Your faithful student. Twilight Sparkle.
That's what the letter said. Well almost everything. Underneath the paper was some of the most terrible handwriting I had ever seen. It was most likely written by some ponies mouth rather than by magic.
The scramblings vaguely said; And Rainbow Dash. I guess she was mad her name wasn't included in the letter.
How nice of those ponies! To come and visit me. Wow, me meeting the mane six. That's something right there.
...
Wait a minute.
"Shit!" I was anything but prepared for this. How am I going to react? What am I going to say? I've only survived this long because Princess Luna was oblivious to pretty much everything.
Twilight Sparkle was a smart mare. She'd figure me out in a single minute. Can't have that happening just yet. Guess I'd have to consider some evil plans in case anything goes wrong.
Let's just hope it doesn't. I was determined to finish whatever it was that has started, and I wasn't letting any pony stop me! Not even those I cared for the most.
Best case scenario they're just as dense as Luna. Or maybe I should just get in character better, I mean... I do watch the show. But I really don't know that much about Celestia apart from the fact she can raise the sun, is a princess and is super nice.
Those are three things that might seem impossible for me to do. But I was going to have to try. This was between me and that damn Discord. What a dick grrrr.
If I started hurting a pony in any way that might give Discord satisfaction. I wasn't letting him have any. And of course moral reasons prevented me from being a jerk just yet. I mean... I like My little Pony! I'm a Brony for god’s sake; I wouldn't just start doing mean things out of nothing. Something pretty nasty would have to happen before I'll consider that.
But that didn't stop me from my personal vision. I knew how to improve this world and sure as hay was going to stop at nothing to attempt this.
I shouldn't see this current event as a curse, but as a blessing. I've been granted amazing power and the title of ruler of an entire kingdom... or country or world, I have no idea what Equestria is.
Yes... I will perfect the role of Princess Celestia and rule in her absence. She'll show up eventually. I'm certain, and I'll deal with that as it comes.
Discord can remain on the background and watch me create the greatest empire any world has ever seen! That'll show that damn goat.
And the mane six. I will meet you all tomorrow. And you won't notice a single change about your 'princess'. He he.
Can't wait to meet Rainbow Dash though, she's awesome. I really hope they bring gifts!
I'd better go and see Princess Luna again. She's always pretty excited to see me, and I guess I need to thank her for the good job she's been doing for raising both the moon and sun last few weeks. Must've been very tiresome. It would be expected to receive gratitude from the extremely nice Princess Celestia.
I left the bedroom and started heading for the balcony where I would most likely find my 'sister'.
Once again, billions of Royal Guards were scattered across the entire palace.
But seriously, there was one creeping the living shit out of me. He was just staring me the entire time with his creepy face.
You remember that jelly pony from the Hearts and Hooves Day episode? That's his expression, only without the jelly and a lot more frightening.
But I decided to ignore this scary pony's attempt to freak me out. Being the ruler of Equestria and all made me far too busy to pay attention to 'commoners'. Even though they're Royal Guards, they're still ranked below me and Luna.
Finally I arrived at the balcony once again where I wanted to meet Princess Luna.
Lucky me. I just arrived as she was lowering the sun and raising the moon. Quite a sight to witness something as large scaled as that.
And soon I'll be capable of the same thing!
"Luna! I can't thank you enough for all your hard work these past few weeks. Surely I will be able to help you soon enough once again." I said trying to imitate Celestia as good as I was able.
"Ah sister. Thank you for visiting me again. It brings me great delight to see you in good health. I'm certain everything will be back to normal soon." She answered.
"Hmm hmm. Yes, I'm certain as well." I said chuckling softly.
"Have your magical abilities improved yet?" She asked.
"Actually I'm doing a lot better than yesterday right now. Do you want to see?" I was pretty excited to show off my amazing skills in the art of magic.
"I don't think that's a good idea right now in this place." Luna pointed out we're still on the balcony. Everypony would be able to see me if I'd screw up things again or blow something up.
Can't have that happen. The ponies of Equestria view me as a role model. I have to make sure that remains that way.
"I understand. I'll show you my laser beam later." I answered.
"L-laser beam?"
"Yeah... never mind that."
Anyway, we made our way back inside. The darkness of the night came extremely soon this day and I haven't even eaten yet, so getting some dinner would be appropriate.
Colt, let me tell you one thing. I was hesitant towards eating horse food at first... But it is fucking delicious. I'd kill for a damn hay sandwich right now.
I don't know if it's because I'm a pony myself now. Probably, I couldn't imagine myself munching on hay back home. But if it was actually that delicious before, we'd all be missing out on something let me tell you that.
Anyway, so there me and Luna were walking, heading towards the dining chamber. Yeah, they got chambers for everything. Did I mention this place was huge?
But there he was again. The creepy jelly-faced Royal Guard. And he was even scarier looking then before with his weird expression that would even make Gilbert Gottfried look like a normal pony next to him.
Yeah... I don't like that guard. But I am a man! Actually a man in a alicorn goddess her body, but you get the point. I had to defend my honor and not let scary things like this happen in my kingdom!
"You there! What do you think you're doing?" I asked the jelly-faced Royal Guard.
"Hmm... I just like to see you two walk." His voice was just as creepy as the pony himself.
"Excuse me?" I asked. I'm being nice and calm see?
"Just walk away, and let me enjoy the view." He answered taunting me even more.
"Are you saying that you've been staring at our... flank?"
"Hmmm." Just some groans of pure joy emerged from the creepy pony.
"You sick perverted bastard!" This was the final straw. This jelly-faced dirtbag is going down.
"GUARDS! SEIZE HIM!" I commanded my army of actual loyal Royal Guards.
They immediately did as ordered and quickly overpowered the perverted pony. They knocked him down to the ground and kept him there awaiting new orders.
"TAKE HIM TO THE DUNGEONS!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Of course I had no idea of Canterlot actually had any dungeons, but luckily they started dragging the creepy jelly pony away.
"PLEASE DON'T! I'M SORRY! I HAVE A WIFE AND TWO FOALS!" He begged for forgiveness.
"I don't care! Scum like you should rot down below until the end of time. TAKE HIM AWAY!" I ordered the guards.
"NOOOOOOO PLEEEEEaaaaaaaaasee." His voice kept getting more distant as he was being dragged away.
There it is. My first prisoner and most certainly not the last. Ponies like that don't fit in my vision of a ‘perfect' world.
"Sister... was it really necessary to send him to the dungeons? We haven't send anypony there since Discord." Princess Luna asked.
"Yes, it was more than necessary. I will not allow such vulgar ponies to roam around freely. Imagine what he could've done to any innocent pony if we didn't subdue him!" I answered.
"I guess so... I trust in your wisdom sister."
"Good. Anyway, get me some pen and paper!" I asked Luna.
"Don't you mean a quill and scroll?"
"It's the same thing! Can you please get me some?"
"Of course Tia. But what do you need those things for?" Princess Luna wondered.
"I'm writing down some new laws that will most certainly improve the daily life in Equestria." I answered.
Yes. Change the law, why didn't I think of this before. What I've got planned is just what this land needed.
But I'd best be off... And prepare myself for meeting the mane six tomorrow. I'll have to make absolutely sure that they don't figure out that I'm not Princess Celestia.
But in reality, Jack Fucking Freeman.
Chapter four. Some answers.
Let me tell you one thing. Fun time is over. No more mister nice Princess Celestia. Equestria obviously needs some drastic changes, lucky I'm in charge now. I'll just have to write something on paper, and every 'pony' recognizes it as a law. That's the power I currently possess, alongside my terrible magic skills of course. But that'll change eventually.
The first change I'm making is a pretty important one. It has come to my attention that nudity is an extremely big issue here in Equestria. The upper-class folk here in Canterlot do have the right idea and occasionally dress instead of walking around completely naked. Yet ponies further from here don't seem to have the decency to cover their shame. Therefor it is now required that all ponies wear clothing at all times. It is the law from now on, and anypony who doesn't respect or follows the law will earn themselves a one way ticket to the dungeons. Once those are filled I'll have to make some different plans on what to do with these 'criminals'.
So obviously I send Luna back to town to retrieve the orders I placed earlier than expected. Luckily they were already finished as the shop made me their top priority. Being the Princess has its advantages, that's for sure. But yeah, I do look pretty awesome right now with my newly acquired long black cape, and of course the red military peaked hat which I based of M. Bison. I still can't believe ponies thought I was referring to Hitler, oh well. Might as well make fun of it now. He he.
I stood on the balcony, overlooking the entire lands which I control now. As its ruler it is my requirement to ensure the ponies safety, and make life as enjoyable as possible. The current economy seems to do very well, and my pockets are filled with bits, so I'm leaving that as it is for now. I mean... I'm not very good with math, so I'm trying to avoid those difficult matters for now.
My priority still remains to get back my magic to its normal level. I have no idea what Luna meant by that, but still I'm gradually getting better each time I practice. Also flying seems to go a lot better than before. It now takes at least five seconds for me to crash down, but I'm able to lift off, that's something at least. Second priority is to trick the mane six which are visiting me today, to think that I'm actually Princess Celestia. I've been given this power with a goal. A task that I decided myself to show to Discord that I'm more than capable of leading an entire world. But I'm not letting those ponies find out about this fact or let them attempt to dethrone me. Yeah, that'll make an excellent episode for the show, but I'm not letting that happen. Nope. And last on my list of things to do. Seek out the real Princess Celestia, interrogate her and properly 'conceal' her from the world. I have no idea what I'm going to do just yet, but things can't be pretty if she does decide to show up here. In whatever form she currently possesses.
"But I'll be ready... I always am. Hmm... ha... HAHAHA!" I chuckled slightly maniacally. Some might say I started going insane at this point. I'd like to say that I became more jolly than ever before.
"Ah sister. It brightens my day seeing you laugh, even after the incident with Discord and partial loss of your memories. It's been ages since I've seen you this happy." Princess Luna suddenly appeared behind me. She has a habit on sneaking up on ponies apparently.
"AAH!" Obviously I reacted startled and prepared to give a right hook to my attacker. Luckily Luna was able to deflect my mighty hoof with her wing before reaching her. This made my lose my balance and land right on my snout.
"Oh my! Are you alright Tia?" Luna asked shocked by what randomly occurred.
I quickly regained my composure and lifted myself up to my hooves. I stood up tall once again, rubbed of the dirt and levitated my hat which I dropped upon falling. "Yes, yes. You just shouldn't sneak up on me Luna... I could've accidently hurt you, you know that?" I replied.
"Really now?" She giggled.
Is she... laughing at me? God damn it! I used to practice the arts of Jiu-Jitsu... for two whole days. I'm a damn professional fighter, there's obviously no doubt about that. Ughhh... You're making me angry by mocking me Luna. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
"Anyway. Are you getting ready to meet up with Twilight Sparkle and her friends?" Luna asked.
"Yes..." I didn't let my anger take over this time and acknowledged the fact that I was beaten in this meaningless battle by Luna. "But first I'm having lunch." I answered.
"You'd best hurry then. They already arrived in Canterlot and are scheduled to visit in thirty minutes." She replied.
"Yeah, no problem. I'll be finished in time." I said. You know, I'm one of those guys who does everything at the last moment. Always worked out for me, worrying about things gets you nowhere. Just act on natural instinct and go with the flow. I have no idea if that makes any sense, but it's my new life motto from now on.
I left the balcony giving Luna one final glare to ensure my dominance. One of these days Luna! I'm the alpha-pony and in command here. She better does not forget about that. Would be a shame if I had to get rid of her, because I actually think she's a really nice pony. But there are more important things to focus my attention on. The wellbeing of this world goes first.
I took the long walk through the huge castle halls passing countless more guards each saluting as I walked by. This always gives a great feeling of satisfaction. Eventually I arrived at my private chambers where I planned to have my lunch. I picked up the bell which I was given to call out my personal servant. A clumsy orange mare which name I keep forgetting anyway, so it doesn't matter.
*Ping*
As I rung the bell the servant immediately came rushing in, ready to obey every order I threw at her. "Yes P-princess! You called?" She asked.
"Hmm, yes. I have an important meeting in twenty minutes from now, yet I haven't had my well-deserved lunch yet. Is that something you could see happen?" I asked her.
"Oh, of course Princess! Any special requests?" She replied.
"Yes in fact I do. I want nine hay sandwiches." I asked serious.
"N-nine sandwiches Princess?" She asked confused.
"Are you disobeying orders? I said that I wanted nine sandwiches. I'm not paying you to question things!" I replied angrily.
"N-no... I'm sorry Princess! I'll get them right away." The servant quickly left the room, headed towards the kitchen and started preparing my lunch.
This left me to a moment to myself once again. I took this opportunity to continue practice my magic further as the rest of my day was as busy as it was. Tasks of a Princess are no easy ones, that's for sure. I stood eye to eye with the small candle which I was determined to lit. If I was able to do so from a distance without incinerating everything around it my magic will become more stable as it's supposed to. Then I can properly investigate the libraries for interesting spells I might want to use. Most importantly I want to be able to conjure or summon items. I just wondered if I was able to create infinite mass, or that I had to trade something in order to gain something else. Magic is still complicated, but I'll figure those things out when it's needed. For now... that damn candle!
"POW!" Doing magic was a lot easier if you made your own sound effects. Made it seem so much more spectacular. The small orb of fire I created soared through my room heading straight for the small candle.
Mother of god... A direct hit! I managed to hit the damn candle with a small amount of concentrated magic I conjured myself. Still the flames were just slightly larger than needed and still managed to instantly melt the entire candle. But it meant I was getting close. One, maybe two days and I'll be ready for much cooler things.
"HA! In your face stupid candle!" I spoke victoriously standing over the remains of my previous target. I raised my hoof proclaiming myself the most powerful wizard ever. Gandalf got nothing on me. But suddenly the dance of my victory was interrupted.
"E-excuse me Princess. I've prepared the lunch you've requested." The servant said nervously.
"Ah excellent. I'll have just enough time to fini- What is this?" Something was wrong with these hay sandwiches.
"I-I-is there something wrong? I've prepared the exactly the same as the other times." She got more nervous by the second.
"Can you count?"
"Pardon?"
"It's a very simple question. Can. You. Count?"
"Y-yes of course Princess? Why do you ask?"
"Then it is obvious you don't seem to follow your orders properly. Don't you recall what I asked of you?"
"Y-you... you asked for hay sandwiches your majesty?"
"Indeed I did. And I requested a certain number. Do you recall that number?"
"Y-you asked for... nine sandwiches Princess."
"And how many do you see here on this plate?"
"Ten. Your majesty. I presumed you were hungry so I made you an extra one."
"I SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR NINE SANDWICHES. NOT EIGHT. NOT TEN! NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE!!!" Little did the poor servant know that nine was actually my lucky number, and anypony preventing me from having my exact number is considered public enemy number one.
"I-I'm terribly sorry Princess. I didn't know it would upset you this much. Let me just take one away and you'll have nine." She replied cowering away further by the second from my terrifying presence.
"NOOOO! It won't be the same. You've ruined it all!"
"I-I’m sorry Princess! I didn't mean to cause all of this!"
"It's too late for that now. GUAAAAAARDS!" I called out for my personal army.
"No please your majesty! It's all a big misunderstanding. Please! I really didn't mean for this to happen." She begged one final time as the Royal Guards came storming in.
"Guards. Would you kindly escort this young mare to the dungeons?"
"Yes Princess!" They all responded robot-like and immediately followed my orders without questioning anything. They started dragging the servant with them, who desperately clutched her hooves to the ground still hoping to escape.
"Please Princess! Please reconsider this I beg of you!" She screamed one final time with tears in her eyes. But the guards slammed the door shut, nullifying all the noise coming from outside my chambers.
Wow... all of a sudden I started feeling terribly bad. I just sent a poor your mare to the dark and scary dungeons deep below Canterlot for an extremely minor offense. The jelly guy belongs there, but this servant not so much. I guess I'll pull some string later and get her released. I guess I just let my emotions take over there for a moment. I don't want to be a dick just yet, but seriously, all these ponies are taking orders way to casually. Everything needs to be more serious around here. When I ask of something, I expect it to be done exactly in the way I requested. No side-routes or anything.
But these sandwiches... They're ruined! What can I possibly do with ten sandwiches? Eating them won't be the same. You probably wouldn't understand though, but I just can't eat something that was a certain amount of numbers, especially so close to my lucky number. It are those small things that keep bothering me.
"DAMN YOU SANDWICH! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" I shouted angrily and proceeded to throw my lunch across the room.
Unfortunately at that same moment the door suddenly opened and a group of ponies suddenly entered my chambers.
"Princess Celestia! It's good to see you again! Sorry that we're slightly early, but Princess Luna had let u-" Twilight Sparkle and the rest of the mane six entered my room but the purple unicorn was interrupted.
*Thwack*
One of the sandwiches which I previously threw apparently was moving in slow motion, but it managed to hit Twilight Sparkle right in the face. Her horn penetrated one of the slices, so it comically kept hanging directly in front of her face.
A moment of silence followed. I wasn't sure how to react to their sudden appearance. Seriously! Even Rainbow Dash was there. What am I going to do? What do I need to say? Luckily there was one pony brave enough to break the silence of this awkward situation.
"Oh! Are we having a food fight! I'm next!" Pinkie Pie pulled a pie out of thin air and lobbed it straight into Twilight Sparkle's face.
"Gnnhghh..." I tried my best not to laugh.
Twilight Sparkle however was looking pretty damn pissed off. She used her magic to get rid of the sandwich and pieces of pie in her face. It was chocolate cake by the way, if you're interested. "Pinkie... Could you please not do that anymore?" She asked.
"Aww... I thought we were just having fun." Pinkie Pie answered.
"I'm sure Princess Celestia didn't mean to start a food fight? Did you Princess?" Twilight Sparkle turned to me and so did all eyes.
"Uhh... Yes! Correct my little ponies. Forgive my rudeness. I was just slightly upset about my lunch and perhaps overreacted a bit. It was not my intention for something like this to happen." I said. Let's hope they're buying it.
"Okay... Princess Luna told us you had lost some of your memories. How much of that is true?" Twilight Sparkle asked.
"Ah yes. When I first awoke my memories were all a large blur. But they've been gradually growing more stronger and I can remember quite a lot now. Still some parts in my memory remain dark, but I'm soon those will recover in due time. Yet my magical powers are still weakened and my wings are next to useless." I answered. That's the lie I'm going with from now on.
"But do you still remember who we are?" Twilight Sparkle and her friends wondered.
"Of course! How could I forget about the Elements of Harmony and my prize pupil Twilight Sparkle? The Element of Magic. Quite the talented unicorn even if I say so myself." I replied. You know that I need to sweet talk them to win them over to my side right?
"Aww... You're so kind Princess." Twilight answered.
But I turned to next pony. Might as well keep going when I'm at it. "Next up we have Applejack. The Element of Honesty. Very few are as strong-willed and determined as her." I said.
"Aw shucks. Yer being awfully generous Princess." She answered.
"And Pinkie Pie. The Element of Laughter. Ponyville's pink premier party pony." I nearly choked on the amount of P's in that sentence. "One that knows how to party more than anypony else!"
"W-what?" She reacted confused.
But I had to keep going! That was my destiny. "Rarity, the Element of Generosity. One of Equestria's finest fashionistas."
"Oh dear. I'm flattered by your praise Princess." She answered.
Yeah, that’s more like it. This is going pretty good I think. "Fluttershy, the Element of Kindness. One loved by all, especially her cute little animal friends."
Fluttershy peeped. This was the reply I pretty much expected. Something has to be done about that and I have just the right idea. I've been reading up quite a lot in my free time actually.
But now Rainbow Dash. The most awesome pony ever. "Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty. A pony who never abandons her friends even in their darkest hours. One with flying skills that will impress any pegasus, including me."
"Yep! That's me!" She replied. I like her attitude.
"That finally brings us to our final Element. Wait a minute... Who the hay are you?" I got confused by the sudden appearance of an old lazy looking grey earth pony stallion holding a broom. I should also mention he had an amazing stache.
"Name's Scruffy, the janitor." He replied.
"Oh... I'm sorry. I didn't remember you." I said, hoping not to have offended the poor man.
"No problem ma'am. No one seems to do." He replied.
"Don't worry, I like you Scruffy! Reach for the stars and see all your dreams become reality!" I said encouraging him.
"Ok." He replied lazily, and proceeded to do janitor stuff. Like sleeping, you know?
Anyway back to the mane six. I'm sure I've been able to foal them with my amazing acting skills.
"Princess? You're acting awfully strange. Is something wrong?" Twilight Sparkle said narrowing her eyes.
Oh shit. They're on to me. Luckily if it comes that far I'll have a plan B to fall back on. Quite a devious plan even if I say so myself.
"W-what do you mean, Twilight?" I asked.
"Well... First we've seen you acting angry and throw bread at me. Which is already abnormal because we’ve never seen you angry? We've heard from Princess Luna that you imprisoned a stallion yesterday. Something that hasn't been done in years. And right now you kept talking a bit weird." Twilight Sparkle explained.
"What do you mean I keep talking weird?" I wondered.
"First you said 'anypony' which is something I've never heard before. The correct term is 'anypony'. That's can't be something that's the effect of your memory loss. A complete change of speech. And after that you said what the 'hell' to that nice janitor. That's also a term I'm not familiar with." Twilight Sparkle explained further.
Shit. She figured out that much already. This is not good at all. She's way too smart for her own good. Why did I mess up already? Why can't I think clearly? Oh dear god, what now?
"Yeah! Are you a spy?" My favorite pony; Rainbow Dash suddenly shouted right in my face. I guess after Twilight mentioned all these facts the rest of the ponies started to figure it out as well. Shit just got real man, time for plan B.
"Oh goodness no! I've just hit my head far too many times these past few days. I guess my speech still suffers from the unfortunate events that have occurred. I'm aware of these correct terms, and I apologize. But please, let's not make this event suffer from it. I've prepared some personal gifts for all of you upon hearing you were kind enough to visit me." I stated. That's right ponies. I'm going to bribe them.
The group of ponies started talking excitedly and seemed to have completely forgotten the things Twilight just stated. The purple unicorn herself kept narrowing her eyes and didn't seem to leave me for a single second. I'm going to have to bribe her extremely hard. Make her an offer she can't refuse.
"Oooh gifts! Where are they? Can I unwrap them all?" Pinkie Pie chirped.
"Oh Pinkie Pie, you misunderstand. The presents I'm offering are not something you can wrap up." I replied.
"So it's like a ghost? I don't think I like the idea of that..." Pinkie Pie answered.
"...What? No! It's not a ghost. Might as well start with you Pinkie." I said.
"Okay! I'm ready!" She replied.
"Pinkie Pie. I wasn't certain what I could offer you. Does unlimited access to the Canterlot kitchen at all times sound like something that might interest you?"
"What exactly do you mean with unlimited access?" She asked.
"I mean that you can personally use all the equipment and ingredients to create whatever you desire."
"Yeah, that sounds like something I'd like for sure! Can I go right now? Can I? Huh Huh?" Pinkie Pie seemed pretty excited for what I had offered her.
"Of course! I've already let the guards know that you're allowed there. Good luck!" I replied, and Pinkie Pie immediately flew off, brewing whatever she could make up. But I was ready to bribe to next pony to win their trust.
"Applejack, unfortunately I don't have anything that I can offer you. But there is something else that requires your help. The city of Canterlot has recently suffered from a severe lack of apples the past few weeks. I would like to place an order for three-thousand apples; I know that Sweet Apple Acres apples are the best. That's why I chose you over Flim and Flam. Is that something that can be done in about a week? Of course you will be rewarded greatly for this, in bits of course."
"How much bits yer talking 'bout exactly?" Applejack asked. "It's quite a large order ya know."
"Four bits per apple. And a bonus depending on the delivery time." I answered. I'm rich enough. This is important, shut up!
"Horseapples! That's more than.... many thousands of bits!" She answered excitedly. "Ah gotta get back to the farm, let Big Mac know we're workin' overtime." And with that Applejack was the next to leave.
This brings me to the next pony. I'm sure this one is easy as well.
"Rarity. I know the attire coming from Carousel Boutique peaks over any other shop here in Canterlot. I want you to become my personal stylist, creating beautiful original clothing just for me. You will also be paid generously of course." I said.
"Oh dear! I suddenly had a vision for a perfect dress for you Princess! I'll get started right away!" Rarity replied and immediately took off as well.
Wait, dresses? Well shit, maybe I should've thought this thought more properly. But at least she isn't suspecting me of anything anymore.
Next up Rainbow Dash. This will be easy.
"Rainbow Dash, I know what you most desire and will do anything to make it a reality. I've contacted the Wonderbolts and they have agreed to let you have an audition when they're back from touring Los Pegasus." I said.
"Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh. I gotta tell Scootaloo!" Rainbow Dash replied obviously super-excited. She immediately flew through the window with light-speed towards Ponyville. Simply amazing.
The easily frightened pegasus is next. Well, that will change soon enough.
"Fluttershy, please don't think of me the wrong way for doing this. But you have to improve your confidence. I've read all about what happened with the Iron Will incident. But I'm certain that you can still be assertive without being mean. This will help you improve in a lot more things in life. I've found just the right group of ponies for this."
"Y-you don't mean..." Fluttershy peeped.
"Yes, that's right. I'm sending you to the Military School for Pegasi for two weeks. I'm certain that in this short time you will be able to boost your confidence quite a bit." I explained.
Fluttershy simply fainted upon hearing this. I quickly ordered my guards to prepare her to take her with them to the military base. I didn't know why Equestria even had one, but I don't question simple things as that.
This now left Twilight Sparkle. This one was most definitely the hardest one to convince that I'm Princess Celestia.
"Twilight Sparkle, what I can offer you is t-" I was interrupted.
"Don't try to trick me with you bribery. I don't know who you are. But the real Celestia would never send Fluttershy to military school. Combined with the other strange things makes it obvious that you're..." Twilight Sparkle accused me.
"That I'm what?" I wondered.
"A changeling!" She stated.
A changeling? Silly filly with her strange ideas. I'm a pony that's been brought here by Discord in your ruler's body. I can't help what happened. But I'm not letting her get away with this.
"GUUAAAR-" I paused as I saw everything around me was completely grey. In fact, nothing was moving at all. It was as if time itself stood still. I tapped Twilight Sparkle on the nose. Didn't get a response. She did crashed to the ground though.
"What's going on?" I asked to no one in particular, there wasn't anypony to hear it anyway.
"Oh you know, I've just frozen time and space to save your flank." A voice stated from above me.
"Discord!" I shouted as I looked up. There he was, standing deviously atop my chandelier. "Have at you!"
Discord meanwhile jumped down and started facepalming. "Oh cut the crap Jack. You pose as much as a threat to me as a harmless field mouse."
"I got tricks. You'll see!" I replied.
"Yes, I'll be looking forward to that suuuuure. Anyway, how is the new life been treating you hmm?" Discord asked.
"Oh, pretty nice actually. I mean it was pretty awkward at first but then I star-" I was interrupted.
"Blablabla, I was just making small talk. I'm here because you're screwing up Jack! You can't do something like that. It's only been three days and this purple one already figured you out. I expected better from you Jack." Discord said.
"Wait... What are you expecting of me then?" I asked.
"I like you Jack. You remind me much of myself, I just thought it'd be interesting to pass time." He answered.
"So you just put me in the body of the god of ponies?" I replied.
"Yes! Exactly. A man so much alike as myself is certain to make all the right decisions. This far you haven't disappointed me with your approach. It's chaotic enough for my standards. Yet you let your cover get blown to easily. You've been able to trick the rest, but this one is persistent. That's why I'm here to help." He explained.
"Pfft. I don't need your help. I was about to send her to the dungeons." I bragged.
"Exactly. How can you be so foalish? If you get rid of one of the Elements the others will most likely start questioning you as well. It's more important to keep her in sight." He replied.
"Then what do you have planned?"
"Know that I'm helping you only once. I've already injected the young Twilight Sparkle with a strong potion that will keep her blind enough to your actions for the time being. I also have a gift for you, between two 'good’ friends." He smirked.
"Whatever gift you have it's not going to impre- OH MY GAWD! IS THAT MY X-BOX?!" I jumped up excitedly.
"Yep. I figured you might like this. So we're good friends now right hmm?" He reached out his claw-like hoof.
"Yeah sure, we're bro's!" I raised my hoof for a shake.
"Good. I will keep watching you from the distance. Don't screw up again Jack. I won't be there to help you next time." Discord prepared to leave.
"WAIT! Wait... Before you leave. Where is the real Celestia? She's not in my body is she?" I asked.
"Oh goodness no! That would be far too predictable. No, I had something planned far more suited for her. But she's on her way. She'll come here eventually, and I'm most interested in how you're going to solve that. Consider it a small trial. That's all I'm letting you know. Keep up the chaos Jack!" Discord quickly explained and immediately left afterwards. Shortly after he left the time slowly started flowing normally once again.
I stood above Twilight Sparkle who was knocked to the ground after Discord's appearance. She slowly stood up looking groggy and her eyes were slightly red.
"Twilight dear? Are you alright?" I asked the purple unicorn.
"P-princess Celestia?" She replied.
"Yes?"
"I really like your mane."
"Uhh, thank you?"
"Yeaaah, I'm really hungry. Can we get something to eat?" Twilight Sparkle asked.
If I wasn't so damn hungry from skipping lunch maybe I could've started questioning why Twilight Sparkle was starting to resemble a stoner. But that comes later, because for now.
We will eat cake.
