Nona On Earth

We stood on the underground platform waiting for the train that would take us to Forest Hills Station.

“So-I-said-I-don’t-care-if-you-found-it-first!-you-don’t-have-to-be-such-a-cunt-about-everything?-So-she-runs-off-to-Chrysalis-and-starts-screaming-about-how-I-was-trying-to-steal-her-stuff!-What-a-bitch!”, Nona blurted manically, her hands fluttering wildly, her eyes bugging.

‘No more coffee for Nona!’, I thought.

At least she wasn’t tired anymore but she was being so hyper, now, people were beginning to stare at us.

Or maybe it was because she kept quickly and subtly shifting back and forth from redhead to changeling to redhead again? Nah, that couldn’t be it. It had to be the babbling.

The train arrived. We got on the car. Nobody else did.

Nona was still babbling like a speed freak ten minutes later as the train pulled into Forest Hills station. By that time she’d stopped shifting and stayed in her Changeling form. We were the only two left in the car when we got off. Strange, because it was rush hour.

We exited the platform, headed down some stairs to the street. I looked at the still manic and babbling Nona. Funny. Even in her changeling form she still looked good in a sun dress.

We walked across the station to where we could catch the bus that would take us to our final destination. Others standing waiting for the bus looked at us nervously, began edging away. One old woman held on to her handbag as if she feared one of us might snatch it from her. I suspected she thought it might be me. Yeah, old women’d  looked at me like that, before.

“So, I guess it really doesn’t bother you being in your changeling form in public, now?”, I asked Nona.

“It-still-bothers-me-but-you-were-right-when-you-said-they’ll-just-have-to-get-used-to-me-can-we-go-back-to-starbucks-and-get-more-of-that-coffee-stuff-wait-is-there-a-bathroom-around-here-I-think-I-need-to-pee”, she babbled. The other people waiting for the bus edged further away.

...

The coffee’d warn off by the time we got to our stop so Nona wasn’t hyper, anymore.

I was relieved. She’d attracted some serious attention when she started mooning pedestrians from our window on the bus, her bare ass pressed hard against the glass. A few of those on the street responded with cheers. Mothers covered their children’s eyes. A few flipped us off.  One guy threw a trash can at us.

Ten minutes later we exited the completely empty bus, the  frightened driver eyeing us nervously as we stepped out onto High street.

We’d just cleared  the doors when they slammed shut. Tires screeched and the bus roared away in a diesel stinking cloud of smoke. More tires screeched as several cars crashed into each other.

‘Nothing’s changed in this town’, I thought blandly as I watched several more cars try to beat each other at a nearby stop sign and barrel headlong into each other in a loud and mighty crash, the drivers leaping out cussing loudly. A four way fist fight started. Ah, it was good to be home!

Nona opened her parasol, lifted it over her head as she shifted back to her redhead form.

Just then we heard a scream from down the street, turned to see what was happening.

Some asshole was struggling to grab a purse away from a terrified woman about a half block down the street, the other pedestrians either walking on quickly or just standing there watching.

Nona quickly jumped to a spot where she could get a clear shot. A second later her tongue shot out toward the now running mugger. It wrapped around his ankle and down he went, falling face first onto the pavement with a loud splat.

Going down on all fours, Nona began quickly dragging the terrified, frantically struggling and screaming mugger toward her. I thought she was going to eat him!

Stopping just a foot from her, Nona released the mugger. Straddling his stomach she leaned down nose to nose with him,  glaring fiercely at him. I heard a distinct fart-like sound and a stench filled the air a moment later.

“I hate thieves!”, growled Nona in her metal-over-gravel voice, her eyes blazing, into the face of the terrified and squirming mugger, as those who had seen what had happened ran off down the street screaming. Well, all except the woman who’d been mugged.

She was approaching us in halting, nervous steps wondering what had just happened.

Snatching the purse away from the mugger who was still desperately clutching it to his chest like a shield, Nona rose and handed it back to the woman with a smile. Those fangs!

The woman quickly, nervously grimaced her thanks and ran off down the street.

Nona stood up, reached down, grabbed the guy and dragged him to his feet.

“Don’t you ever steal anything again!”, she growled in his face before pushing him back violently.

Stumbling, he turned and raced off screaming. Brown liquid ran down his leg and out from under his pants cuff, leaving a trail on the pavement.

The few brave souls who’d remained to watch the show now smiled and applauded at what Nona had done.

Nona turned and bowed dramatically to the clapping spectators before we turned and walked away.

“Since when did you become super cop?”, I asked, my eyebrow raising. She glanced at me.

“I don’t like thieves”, she said, “My sisters used to steal stuff from me all the time. I hated it.”

I shrugged, smiled. Thinking about it I realized it was pretty cool after all. Then I had an idea (Oh, fuck me!); she’d be great on a fishing trip, she wouldn’t need any tackle!

“How long is that tongue of yours, anyway?”, I asked.

“I’m not sure”, she said, “how long is a football field?”

...

A two mile walk later and we were standing in front of my mother’s house on a quiet suburban street. Tired after that walk, Nona’d reverted to her changeling form.

We walked up to the front door. I was just ready to knock when the door opened and a frumpy, middle aged woman, her hair pulled up in a tight bun and wearing an old house dress, apron and blindingly pink horn rimmed glasses opened the door and stared at us.

“Oh... You’re back”, she said blandly to me, like I’d just returned from the Seven Eleven, not a five year sojourn in Equestria. She eyed Nona.

“Hello Mrs G!”, smiled Nona as pleasantly as she could.

My mother looked at the changeling, took in every detail of her lank, black hair, her deep charcoal skin, massive cat-like green eyes, fangs and scraggled horn.

“Are you his girlfriend?”, my mother asked, eyeing me. Nona smiled and nodded.

“So, you finally got a girlfriend huh?”, she said to me, “Good! I was beginning to think you were gay.”

“Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend, ma”, I said. Nona scowled and elbowed me.

“Meh”, ma said as she turned to go inside, leaving the door open for us, “at least she doesn’t have a moustache like the last one did. Your taste in girlfriends is improving.”

Nona glanced at me, giggled. I was embarrassed. It wouldn’t be the last time.

“You don’t seem surprised by my appearance, Mrs G”, said Nona, as we stepped in.

“You haven’t seen some of the things he’s dragged home”,  ma said as she shuffled toward the kitchen. “Trust me, honey! You’re an improvement!”

I turned red and face palmed.

“So, I suppose you wanna stay here with your girlfriend?”, asked ma, getting straight to the point as we stepped into the kitchen. I tossed my duffle into a corner. Ma started opening and looking through cupboards.

“Well, yeah, ma. If that’s okay with you?”, I said.

“So, how was your little horsy land?”, she asked.

I knew exactly what she meant by that. I was sure she was thinking I’d done something incredibly stupid and gotten thrown out for it. She wasn’t far from the truth.

“Ponyville, ma, and it’s Equestria”, I corrected.

“Meh, whatever”, she shrugged, “Still I’d rather have you here than sleeping in some alley somewhere.”

“So, are you hungry? Would you like something?”, ma was asking Nona, not me.

“We have soup...”, she said, pointing to shelves full of obsessively neat rows of canned goods. She stepped over to the fridge, opened the freezer. “And frozen fried chicken”, she said, pulling a brightly colored box out of the freezer, showing it to us.

“I’m not hungry but thank you, Mrs G”, Nona said.

“Such a polite girl”, said ma, as she chucked the box back into the freezer, closed the door. Did my mother almost smile?

“Uh, what about me, ma?”, I asked, feeling slighted.

“What about you?”, she asked, “and where’s all this money you were writing home bragging about? What, you can’t buy yourself a burger?”

My mother joined us at the table, took a seat. She was now pointedly eyeing Nona. Again she got straight to the point.

“So, are you and him... You know..?” Her eyebrows shot up.

“Nona blushed, smiled, nodded.

“Oh, God!”, ma muttered, rolling her eyes as she got up from the table, left the room, returned a moment later.

“Here!”, she said, dropping an insanely large box of rubbers on the table in front of me.

“Ma!”, I blurted, embarrassed.

“Hey, I know you! You’ll need those!”, she said, sitting down, again.

“Excuse me, Mrs G, but we’re different species. He can’t get me pregnant”, said Nona.

Suddenly my mother sighed as if the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders. Looking upward she crossed herself.

“Thank God!”, she muttered, “I can’t even begin to imagine what your kids would’ve look like.”

“Argh!”, I grunted as I rose from the table, grabbed my duffle and headed for the  basement door. I’d had enough. My ma was really getting on my nerves. I had to get away from her for a while.

My mother looked at me. “I cleaned your room. Honestly, I don’t know how anyone can eat so many bags of Doritos in one day.”

I opened the door and headed down the stairs.

I had to be careful going down, the one bare bulb in the center of the basement ceiling didn’t give off a whole lot of light. Fifteen watt bulbs never did.

Finally, at the bottom, I looked around in that dim light, went over to the table next to my bed, turned on a much brighter lamp. There! That was better.

I looked around the room, taking it all in. It was exactly as I had left it five years before except for one thing; it was clean!

The only thing that hadn’t been there when I’d left was a large, white plastic trash bag stuffed with old Doritos bags and soda cans. Other than that everything was spotless. My ma had cleaned my room.

I went over to my desk, pulled out my office chair and sat down. Reaching under my desk I pressed the button to start my computer and turned my monitor on.

A moment later the screen brightened and I stared at the desktop display.

I was surprised to find that my wireless keyboard and mouse still worked. Even turned off the batteries in those things should have been dead after five years. A I had a thought. (Fuck me!)

I got up and walked over to the bottom of the stairs.

“Have you been using my computer, ma?”, I shouted up to the kitchen.

“I used it to order some stuff online”, shouted my ma’s voice from the kitchen.

I frowned, confused. When did my mother learn to use a computer?

I returned to my computer, opened my E mail. I found at least ten pages of ads for adult toys, scented oils, lubes and lingerie.

“Ma! What’s all this in my in box?!”, I shouted up to the kitchen.

“What are you talking about?”, she shouted back.

“My in box is full of weird, adult ads!”, I shouted, disgusted.

“I’m a woman! I have needs!”, she shouted back.

Wait... Since when was I disgusted by stuff like this. I found myself becoming nauseous as I thought of my mother buying this stuff. Yeah, I guess I did have my limits after all.

I shut down my computer. I’d clean out my in box later after the shock of what I’d found wore off.

Before going back upstairs, grabbed the bag of trash and took it with me.

I stepped into the kitchen a moment later.

My mother threw her hand over her heart, stared at me shocked.

“Mother of God!”, she gasped, “After twenty five years he’s finally taking out the trash?!” She pulled her rosary beads out from under her house dress and kissed them, muttering, “thank you, God!”

I grunted, disgusted, and headed out the back door.

I returned a moment later to find my mother and Nona joking, laughing, and having a wonderful time. My mother had found an ally in Nona. I was fucked.

“Your mother is so nice!”, smiled Nona. My mother was beaming.

‘You don’t know her like I do’, I thought, scowling, as I took a seat at the table.

“She was telling me about how she found you in a dumpster”, Nona said, amused.

I stared at her, appalled.

“She’s telling you that story already?”, I said to Nona.  I turned and glared at my mother. “We just got here, ma! Couldn’t you wait five minutes?”

“Well, it’s true!”, my mother said, then, turning back to Nona, “It was when I was in college. I was taking out the trash. I was just about to go back to my dorm room when I heard his little cries! I looked in and there he was, all wrapped up in little pink blanket! He was so cute!” My mother scrunched her face up in delight at the memory.

She turned and frowned at me. “And look what I ended up with!”, she said, rolling her eyes.

“And you never took a mate”, asked Nona. My mother looked at her for a second.

“Oh! You mean married?”, ma said, “are you kidding?! Dumpster boy, here, was a full time job all by himself! There was no way I was going to take on a husband, too. I had enough to do!”

Nona laughed. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I chose to go back down to my room, instead.