Ponylands: The Pre-Sequel!

Chapters

W-wait, WHAT?! We Just Got Here!
Seriously, Elpis, What the Hell?
Can't Stop the Rock? Watch Us!
Concordia. Fun Place.
What is This? Luna's Eleven?
The Fuck's a Jumbuck?
The Snake with the Red Belly
Jack Checklist: ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☑ 3?!
Torgue, you Generous SOB!
RIPped Up Dust Up!
Query For Your Mainframe!
Super Norfleet! Apply Directly to Problem!
Super Fighting Robot!
Back To Square One.
The 4000 Year-Old Virgin.
Hot Dunks in Space Jam!
Hot Dogs and Explosions!
WHY ARE WE ON A ROCKET TO THE MOON?!
Hi, I'm Janey. Welcome to Elpis.

W-wait, WHAT?! We Just Got Here!

The marines were all dogpiling on the lunar princess, and we sprang into action. “Get off the Diarch you idiots! She’s a VIP in relations between Hyperion and Equestria!” Fragtrap shouted as he started shooting as high as he could and still hit them without endangering Luna, his mechanical precision allowing such a thing with ease as we closed in, and each of us tackled our own target. Well, each of us except for Wilhelm, who just picked up and punched a guy, causing him to practically explode. The rest of us tackled them off Luna, and then summarily dealt with them in our own preferred melee methods.

For instance; Jack punched the visor of his target in, the thankfully magically reinforced green-aura punch protecting his hand from the broken visor. Nisha apparently had a whip, and she quickly coiled it around her opponent’s neck, choking him as she sat on him like a sadistic cow-pony. Claptrap had killed his target outright with his tackle, the impact of his body enough to crush the marine. Same with Athena but it was more because her sword was in the guy’s chest. Aurelia though….

“Ugh! WHY must they always EXPLODE when I slap them?!” Aurelia had outright picked her chosen victim up by his suit, and when she slapped, yes, SLAPPED, his head, the thing exploded in metal, glass, and blood and...it was just nasty. Was kinda like Wilhelm’s punch, but aimed higher. “Sometimes my glorious draconic heritage is a drawback….” She griped as she then began sucking the blood off her claws. “Mm...tasty though.”

“Okay...not at all attractive for any reason….” Jack tried get his mind away from the suddenly more appealing dragoness and turned to the downed princess, offering her a hand. “Hey, uh, Your Majesty? I’m one of the guys you hired.” Luna merely looked up at him for a moment, and he fidgeted. “What?”

“N-nothing, thank you.” Luna accepted his hand, and when she stood, she was easily a whole foot over him at 7 feet, putting her bountiful bosom blushingly close to his face and he backed away out of courtesy. “These ruffians! We haven’t the foggiest where they’ve come from or why, they just attacked out of the blue, killing innocent workers! We ask of thee; help us retake the station. With us and thou, surely we can push these hooligans back!”

“I don’t know about that, there’s a lot of them, and only seven of us. Quality versus quantity may win out more often than not, but that’s still a lot of them.” Athena brought up, and we all more or less looked around in agreement.

‘In the game...you ended up not even needing that damn robot army. It doesn’t show up at all! But here...I...don’t feel confident in taking on ALL of these thugs with just us.’ Jack thought to himself, and nodded. “It’s a shame the Loaders aren’t equipped with the right software or we’d at least have something.” Jack offered, and Luna wilted a bit, before she huffed.

“Well, we shall at least cause them trouble as we make our escape. Let us use our access codes to activate the station’s automated defenses.” Luna said as she walked over to a nearby panel and started typing away at the console. “In a few seconds, we shall have turrets, lasers, and all sorts of fun things to keep these ruffians at bay.”

“Critical Failure. Helios defence systems are being jammed.” Came the cheery disembodied voice of the computer.

“What? Explain!” Luna shouted at the computer.

“Jamming signal originates from Elpis, Pandora’s moon.” The computer supplied as two turret pads folded out of the rails above and lowered down.

“No-no-no! Destroy the turrets!” Luna panicked, aiming her laser bracers at them and joining us in firing at the two suddenly hostile turrets that digistructed on the pads, blowing them up easily. “A-alright then...new plan! We make a hasty retreat for the escape ships and beg Hyperion and my sister for help!” Luna declared before taking wing towards and exit, and the rest of us without wings unlike Nisha and Athena used our Oz kits for a ‘double jump’ to follow after.

“We must take this ground!” Came a voice over the general Echo channels that was, obviously, the voice of the one leading these assholes against Helios. The picture card on the reciever pop-up showed a horribly mutated doberman woman with glowing purple eyes and purple cracks running over her head.

“Just who is this bitch who dares to harm us?” Luna demanded idly as she was punching in a code to the door out of the control center.

“No clue. Sounds military.” Wilhelm stated.

“Indeed, this is not a pirate raid, it is too coordinated to-blast it! Ugh, why must there be such security measures if attackers are going to just blow the doors-.” Wilhelm quickly moved forward, reared his robot left arm, and struck with a force that made the door warp inward, tearing it off it’s tracks and it fell out onto the floor. “Thank thou Wilhelm, thou hast proved our point.”

“Gladly.” Following Wil’s succinct statement we all followed Luna down the hall to another set of doors that thankfully opened automatically.

“There! The escape shi-oh, you spawn of a Taint!” Luna cursed as a DAHL combat suit rose up onto the platform via elevator, revealing the mutated doberman bitch within it.

“Hello Luna.” A title card thankfully splashed in, introducing her as Colonel T. Zarpedon: Leader of the Lost Legion. How are these title card things real?! Her battle suit’s hatch closed, protecting her as she turned around, and promptly destroyed both of the taking-off escape ships with two shots each from her suit’s arm laser.

“THOU BITCH! Those were innocent workers!” Luna screamed as she aimed both of her lasers at Zarpedon and fired rapidly, only for a disturbing and...oddly attractive alien of sorts to flip in front of her, and hold up a hand, causing the beams of light to refract around her and Zarpedon like she had a prism in front of her as she wagged a long index phalange.

“Naughty~....” Title card: ????

“And just WHAT is that?!” Jack panicked. “Weirdly hot, but shit, not facing what looks like an actual Eridian! Luna, get in here!” Jack shouted as he got next to the door console, dragging Frag with him as they quickly pried the panel off while the alien and Zarpedon approached.

“Nay! We shall stay and fight this-”

“Nope!” Wilhelm stated before extending his robot arm out the door and grabbing Luna by the back of her dress before forcibly dragging her back in. “Close it and lock it.” The way the door slammed shut so violently it shook the immediate area said that, even if they blasted it; the way the door was jammed it would take more than the standard amount of force to get through.

“Unhand us foal!” Luna growled, managing to snap the back of the strings holding her dress up, and she blushed as she held the front to her bosom. “L-look what thou did! This dress is a Platinum Classic!”

“Oh? Don’t worry dear, if we get a moment I’d be willing to spare a cheap dress for your modesty.” Aurelia surprisingly offered, but then again women often stuck together in these situations, and Aurelia seemed to have a similar figure to Luna along with being the same height, save her thick dragon tail in comparison to Luna not having more than the dock of her ether tail.

“Screw that, aren’t you hooked into the New-U’s and the Customization Stations?” Wilhelm asked casually. “Those things should just repair or digistruct new ones.”

“And devalue a designer dress?! Thou truly art a barbarian!” Luna shouted indignantly, and Aurelia and even a bit of Nisha and Athena all looked at Wilhelm like he was an idiot. “Regardless, tis ruined, and since it isn’t registered in the New-U-.”

“Wait, WHY are you wearing a designer dress? On a space station? Doing business?” Jack asked, and Luna began turning redder.

“N-no reason! None at-!”

“Hey Luna! What’s with all the alarms I’m getting from Helios?” A shockingly familiar voice came on over the Echo, which was accompanied by an even more eerily familiar face, especially to Jack.

“N-nothing John! Nothing at all! E-everything is-!” The sound of Zarpedon slamming against the door reminded us we were trying to escape, and we all bolted down the other hallway.

“As much as we’d love to chat, cutie, we gotta get moving before some crazy bitch kills us.” Nisha interjected as we made a corner and Luna started punching in a code one-handed as she held her dress up with the other.

“Whoa, whoa! What crazy bitch? Luna, that station is there in a diplomatic mission of faith between Hyperion and Equestria, if something’s happening we need to know so we can send help!” The man apparently named John replied, and Luna groaned in dismay as she gestured for Fragtrap to get the door open, and he did so as she backed off.

“Some doberman named Zarpedon is leading a force of DAHL soldiers on Helios. They’ve already claimed control of most of the station, killed most if not all the employees, and now there are no more escape ships, and we’re too far from any Fast Travel stations to use them before we’d be overrun.” Luna reported sadly, and Jack decided to add to it.

“Not to mention this really weird alien chick. She just deflected laser fire with her mind man.” Luna looked paralyzed with fear, and suddenly everything felt tensely silent. “What?”

“Luna...why is there someone who looks, and even sounds like me with you?” John sounded accusing, and she blubbered, trying to get out an explanation as she shrank away from Jack, and Aurelia sighed as she approached her and pat her shoulder, as if she understood. “Luna, just because I don’t see a relationship working out between us isn’t a reason to have someone become my body double.”

“Whoa, hold it there hotshot! I’m nobody’s body double! Name’s Jack, buddy!” The doors slammed open when Fragtrap touched some wires together. “I should ask who the hell YOU are!”

“I, am John Thymine, Vice President of Hyperion Corporation. Now tickle me curious, but humor me; what’s your last name?” John asked as we exited the door, surveying the walkway and seeing DAHL jet fighters around, meaning the moment we left the cover of the railing they’d be on us like white on rice.

“Don’t have one. I was put in an orphanage when my mom died giving birth to me on Hephaestus. No clue about my last name-.”

“Hold the phone! Hephaestus? That trap out in the space boonies? My parent’s shuttle went down on Hephaestus on the way to vacation on Aquatos! Mom was pregnant with my unborn little bro!” John informed with excitement, and Jack began to tear up, feeling an unfamiliar sense of astonishment and amazement he’d never experienced before.

‘H-holy shit...I AM his little brother! I’m not...what happened at that fucking CON?! What happened to the real Jack?!’ Jack screamed in his head, feeling torn between relief and horror at the realization.

“Yay, let’s all focus on family that we lost and possibly found!” Wilhelm said, snapping Jack out of his thoughts. “I’m sorry, but we have a job to do, Jack. Now get your head back into it, will ya? I don’t plan on being killed here, or anywhere else.”

“Yeah, yeah, got it. Hey, Jack, get off that station via the Moonshot Cannon! It can get you down close to Concordia I think. There I’ll try to meet up with you and get a test to see if you’re really my little bro or an honest to gods doppelganger. Angel.” W-wha?

“Yeah dad?” Holy...shit….

“Can you manage to hijack the Moonshot controls? Get all of them in it in case the auto-firing sequence is damaged so nobody has to stay behind?” John, you are worlds cooler than Handsome Jack ever was!

“Sure dad, no problem...why does one of them look like a younger you?” Angel’s question had Jack sighing out his nose as we crept along the railing, ducked down hoping none of the jet fighters flew over us.

“I’ll tell ya later pumpkin, just help them get Luna off Helios, I have a...ugh...a sudden meeting to make with Tassiter.” John hung up, but the receiver popup now showed a very familiar Siren’s mane-do and she looked like a mare version of Jack, save all the blue tattoos over her.

“Okay, I’m your operator now I guess. You’re lucky I’m a Siren, especially one whose powers specialize on technology. Updating your Echo’s map, follow the path I’m highlighting to reach the Moonshot control center.” Angel informed us as the...hey, it’s 3D! The 3D map on the upper-left of our Huds suddenly had a trail highlighted through it, and it seemed we were on the right track as we bolted from cover to the nearby door, and the jet fighters started firing on us as they approached.

“Hey, thanks! A Siren! Damn Hyperion has some special people on payroll.” Nisha crowed as Jack and Fragtrap focused on closing the door while the rest of them focused on firing out at the marines and fighters shooting at us, until the door slammed shut, and we breathed a sigh of relief.

‘Okay, I may be John’s brother, Angel might be my niece, John ISN’T behind triggering these events and Luna is, ugh there’s so much new crap! I can’t...I hope we can rest soon, I have a lot to think about….’

“Come on, guys. We gotta get to that Moonshot Cannon!” Wilhelm belted out as he ran out from cover, this being the third area they’d had to pass through, shotgun firing at any unfortunate Dahl Soldier that graced his vision, the highly-accurate weapon’s low spread making ranged shots ridiculously effective. He glanced back at the others who were still hiding behind cover. “Get moving!” ‘And to think, these are the mercenaries that I prefered over any other game.’

“Well sorry if we’re not half robot, tin-man!” Nisha growled out before she took out her pistols and spread her wings, taking into the air to quickly lay down some cover fire, drawing attention to her and letting the others make a mad dash for the next door away from the open area and the associated bombardment by Dahl jet fighters and their deployed crews.

“Except me! But I just had a software and wheel upgrade! Claptraps are fragile! And I’m an original! I’m lucky I’ve even operated this long!” Fragtrap griped as he took potshots as his wheel brought him closer to the big tough cyborg.

“That’s just an excuse, little guy. You have a gun and a shield and the OS to use them both! Now get to supporting Nisha!” Wilhelm screamed at the augmented and glorified Claptrap unit that was on his team. “I’ll cover you while you get closer. Jack, you get out your doubles to protect you as you get a door open, get us a place to actually get away from this shit. Athena-” Wilhelm stopped as he watched Athena drop down from above with a dead soldier on her blade. “- You keep doing what you’re doing. Let’s move people!”

“And all our clients keep complaining about you being so unofficial!” Jack joked as he grabbed the aimless Princess Luna’s hand, who squeaked as she held her dress up with the other hand and followed, her modesty demanding she use at least one arm to keep herself clothed, while Aurelia wasn’t bothered not having a directive, she was pleased as punch to be haughtily aiming a sniper rifle one-handed at her targets and getting headshots, other hand on her hip as she grinned cruelly.

With that settled, Wilhelm followed through on his orders, covering Fragtrap as he ran for cover closer to where Nisha was flying about. The second he felt Fragtrap was safe, he turned his attention back to the ships that were carrying in troops by the dozens. “What’s the progress on that door kid? We could use a different location, and NOW!”

“Damn it I’m not Fragtrap! I just need a few seconds and Luna’s pass-got it! Get in!” Jack shouted as his magical digistruct copies suddenly flickered and his horn sparked, sweat dumping down his face. “I-I need some air….” Jack admitted as Luna helped move him inside while the others all began moving towards the door too, having to keep their backs to it and return fire.

Nisha screamed in pain when a spray of bullets took out her shield, and almost shredded off her left wing, making her fall next to Athena, who promptly grabbed her and dragged the bleeding mare under a pit as she held her aegis up, while Nisha, who was blinking past tears to see well enough, managed to keep firing.

“Aw, shit.” Wilhelm blurted out as Athena brought Nisha into the ‘safe’ room. “Jack, can ya fix her up? I need to cover the door.” ‘Damn it. This is the last thing we need right now.’

“G-got it!” Jack blurted as he managed to stumble over to Nisha in mana-drained exhaustion. “Got meds, here….” Jack panted while his Echo’s menu screen opened in front of him as Fragtrap quickly got to the console on the inside, and after shooting it off, reached in, touched wires, and the doors slammed shut, buying them time. “Okay, just jab this wherever.” Jack produced a red medkit bag full of healing hypos, and gave one to the intensely pained and thankful mare, who stabbed the thing into her flank, getting a hiss before her wing rapidly sewed itself together, but she whimpered at the missing feathers.

“It’ll take days to grow new ones….” Needless to add; this meant Nisha was grounded unless she paid a C-Station to refresh her condition.

‘Perfect.’ “Alright, Fragtrap, cover Nisha until we get to the Moonshot. Got it? I don’t want her getting any more screwed up than she is now.” Wilhelm commanded as he turned his attention away from the doorway he was guarding. “In fact, I want all of you to buddy up. I don’t want us getting screwed over more than we are. Jack, you guard Luna.” Luna squeed a little, getting Jack to tilt his head at her reaction. “Athena, you’re with Aurelia.” Wilhelm leaned in close to Athena’s face. “May god have mercy on you.”

“I heard that! I may not really care if any of you die, but let’s at least try to have a marginally nice working relationship, hm?” Aurelia growled. “Don’t worry griffoness, I shall cover you.”

“With how good a shot I’ve seen you to be, I think I’m just glad you’re not aiming at me.” The assassin’s praise made Aurelia beam with pride and pose with her gun, getting Athena to blush almost imperceptibly.

“Wait a second, what about you? You said everyone gets a buddy.” Fragtrap pointed out. “Who is pairing with you?” Wilhelm looked at the little robot, and held up the deployment beacons for Wolf and Saint.

“You say that like I don’t have these two to help-” Wilhelm stated before being interrupted by a soldier’s shout and a series of explosions against the door Fragtrap sealed almost buckling it inward at them. “Okay, we need to move NOW!”

We all moved up to the top of the room, wishing we weren’t so pressed for time to have to ignore the helpful loot in the containers that we could’ve used, but we dropped down a broken lift into an open area and-. “BE CLEANSED WITH HEAT!” A sonorous voice echoed down into the open area, and drew our attention up to the source, being that of a four-legged dog-like robot that was coated in red matte paint, and breathing fire, but it seemed to have sustained some significant damage from Helios’ defenses, likely early in the siege.

The piloted robotic giant dog leaped down into the area as Luna imperiously pointed at it. “Um, Kill that dog! I guess?” Luna lamely added, spawning a title card. Hellhound: Kill this dog!

We all split up into our teams, Wil being alone of course, well, minus Wolf and Saint.

“Let’s get to it, guys!” Wilhelm shouted, opening fire on Hellhound and sending Wolf to go attack him. And almost the moment everyone else opened fire...the thing just...fell apart. “Uh...I could tell it was about to break, but really? It can’t be this easy….”

Wilhelm’s assumption was answered by the wreck blowing apart, and a ludicrously tall and lithe jackal in red pilot’s fatigues bursting free of the ruined combat suit. “For the Legion!” He shouted before grabbing a couple things from the wreck, and actually swinging a ridiculously huge flamethrower up, said weapon must’ve been the very same one formerly in the mouth of the destroyed suit. “Embrace the flame!” Hellhound shouted before he actually LIT HIMSELF ON FIRE, and then laughed like a mad dog as he rushed towards Wilhelm, flamethrower spewing hot death at him.

“Luna! Aurelia! I need you to help him chill out!” Wil shouted as he rapidly backed away from the cackling mad jackal, all bullets that hit his fire-infused shield slagging and not even reaching him, and what molten metal did just seemed to make him happy, his fur not even singed. ‘Fucker must’ve mutated like a skag or something!’

Wil was glad normal shields can resist fire as Luna blasted him with her cryo laser braces and Aurelia sicced her dragonfire-infused magic gem on him, rapidly cooling the shield around him until normal bullets started eating away at it, and when it went down, he yelped as bullets met his ridiculously thick hide and turned tail to the ledge, where several Dahl fighters were delivering reinforcements. “Oh HELL no!” Jack shouted in anger, and panted and groaned as his horn sparked, and with a yell of exertion, it lit up and his Echo flickered before his copies formed. “C-can’t...hold it for long….” Jack grunted as he raised his shock laser bracers up and started bombarding Hellhound specifically.

Thanks to a few minutes of ridiculously concentrated fire, and Jack’s double’s helping maintain pressure on the reinforcements, Hellhound eventually finally died with a clipped howl of pain when Aurelia finished him with a headshot that actually managed to breach his tough flesh and bone from all the pounding he’d taken. But hopes he was gone for good were dashed when his shield and other gear vanished off him, meaning a New-U somewhere was respawning him. “Shit, thought that fuck was good and gone like a lot of those marines.” Nisha grunted in frustration, moving around to keep limber.

“Agreed. That one as a real badass, taking all those bullets.” Athena conceded.

“Woo~! Hey guys! Look what I found!” Fragtrap exclaimed from the wreckage of Hellhound’s combat suit, causing everyone to turn and see him holding up an orange painted rocket launcher. “This is great! It’s a-whoa~whoa~!” Frag lost his precious balance and fell backwards before accidentally firing it. The rocket took on a strange flight path as it soared out of the barrel, then curved back downwards, colliding with the upper part of a nearby elevator in a small mushroom cloud, which suddenly caused the elevator to come down to their level. “Eh heh, oops.”

“Give me that!” Wilhelm yelled as he snatched the nuke launcher from the downed robot. “Do you even know how to use these kinds of weapons?!” ‘Holy hell that thing would’ve vaporized any of us if Fragtrap wasn’t ungodly levels of lucky!’

“My OS does, but not my current hardware apparently.” Fragtrap admitted as he tried to get up, but he fell sorta off-level, and his boxy design was keeping him stuck.

“Kid, hold this while I ‘scold’ Fragtrap.” Wilhelm said before handing the launcher to Jack, who toppled to the ground because of its weight, grunting and gasping as he tried to lift it off of himself. “Oh, right; Torgue weapons are heavy as shit. Work out buddy.”

“Maybe YOU should...lay off the...enhancements!” Jack bit back as he wormed his way out from under the ridiculously heavy launcher, and sighed as he struggled it up onto his shoulder and held it at the ready. “Shit. I don’t think any of you girls can use this either, or am I just weak?”

“I could, but launchers are for peons and people with good explosives skills. Unfortunately, I do not have such.” Admitted Aurelia as she used the lull in action to help restring and tie the back of Luna’s dress.

“Do I look that strong? I’m a griffon, not a minotaur.” Athena deadpanned. “Besides; assassins are trained in more refined techniques. I’m used to leaving demolition to the experts.”

“Yeah, sorry hotness, no chance.” Nisha declined, and Jack turned his dismayed face to Luna, who couldn’t resist the pouty lips on that chiseled muzzle, and rolled her eyes.

“This once, will we hold such an uncouth weapon for somepony else.” Luna acquiesced as Aurelia finished tightening her dress, and the princess moved forward and easily moved the huge weapon from Jack’s shoulder to hers, and she inspected it. “Hm...a Nukem. There’s only, what, seven in existence?”

“And that one’s mine now.” Wil, having chastised Fragtrap against future excessive stupidity to his satisfaction, took the heavy weapon off the thankful princess, and stored it in his Echo. “Now lets get up and out of here!”

We rushed over to the elevator, and Jack paused at a console before telling them to get in the elevator first. “Gotta cycle the Moonshot cylinder. I don’t want to have to go up there and find this function’s broken at the remote terminal when I have the direct one right here.” Jack informed and got the cylinder loaded, before taking the elevator up with a shudder. “I hate. Elevators.”

“Well you’re all going to hate this a lot more.” Angel called over the Echo. “Now, you all get to take a possibly fatal ride in a moonshot to Elpis. Your primary chances of survival hinge on using any shield spells you may know to lessen the impact, and then you have to make it to an air bubble or you’ll die. Simple.” Angel informed as a container was pushed onto the loading platform. “Get in.”

“Okay, this is either going to be our deaths, or incredibly fun.” Athena commented and we all filed into the container, which closed behind us and it loaded us into the cylinder.

“...Wil?”

“Yeah Jack?”

“I fucking hate you for accepting this contract.”

“Love you too, buddy.”

Then we were slammed into the sealed doors of the container, and everything went dark again.

[???]

It was still, and nobody was moving when Wilhelm came to from the sound of a polite and cheery voice. “Hello? Hello? You’re going to die.”

Author's Note

Yay~ nother chapter! Me and DJ are kinda stuck in crossover limbo with our stories at the moment, so this was the only thing we could do for now o3o

Seriously, Elpis, What the Hell?

[Deadlift’s Deaddrop]

“Why are these guys still alive?!” Jack shouted angrily as he jabbed the bayonet of his new rifle into a scav and pulled the trigger for an execution.

“Hell if I know. Sure makes things fun, though.” Wilhelm said nonchalantly as he shot another scav in the head with the snipe he gained from Jack. “I mean, it’s not like they put up much of a challenge.”

“These plebs can’t handle the truth! They’re noobs!” Fragtrap laughed as he gleefully gunned down several scavs at once with his spinigun. Lucky bastard. “So, who we gonna get to sign for the posters? We can’t kill all of them.”

“He’s up there. I got him.” Wilhelm said as he started jumping up the wrecked lifeboat ship across the canyon from the prison barge to the group’s right. When he got to the top, there was a scav in a top hat impatiently waiting for him. “Got a package for you. Sign or I’ll kill you.”

“Gladly!” The scav said before taking the clipboard Wil produced from his Echo along with the posters, and he signed for them. “Now piss off before Deadlift decides to kill ya.”

“I don’t like that guy, kill him would ya?” Springs called over the Echo, and without blinking, Wilhelm immediately put the rifle to the guy’s surprised face, and pulled the trigger, spraying gore everywhere and sending the posters flying as if they were fired from t-shirt cannons. “Right then, lets take those posters and put them up all over the place. We’ll give them what they paid for, even if we shoot them in the sternum while we do it.”

“I’m really starting to like you.” Wilhelm commented with a smirk as Jack sighed and picked up a poster, which was the one of him and actually said ‘Something, Something Stars!’.

“Huh...makes me want to stab people.” Jack commented with a grin.

Fragtrap picked up another poster that slowly drifted down to him, and it was the one he shot. “It’s...so beautiful! I feel inspired! I feel amazing, new! Like something’s about to-Personality detected, deleting-And suddenly I feel empty! So empty~! Wah~ ha, ha, ha~!”

Wilhelm picked up one that had caught itself on his foot when they exploded outwards. “Why’s this one got a cat on it?”

“Oh, I overexposed the last set of pictures, but considering it was me being a total rube and photocopying my bum, probably for the best it didn’t turn out somehow.” Springs commented.

“I did not need to know that.” Wilhelm deadpanned. “Though, I can probably guess why. You were gonna give a little photo to a certain somebirdy.”

“Hey, good idea! It was a splendid shot after all, even got my-.”

“Th-that’s enough! No talking all pervy with the opposite sex when it comes to your nethers.” Jack interjected with a blush lighting up his face.

“Oh come on. It’s not the first time we’ve had a raunchy employer.” Wilhelm reminded Jack. “Remember? Eden-6? That one employer that drugged you at the end of the mission? Lucky for you, Saint was deployed for maintenance and warned me so that I didn’t take any of it. You weren’t awake for it, but the bitch got what she deserved.”

“Wait, what? Oh...aw shit you mean that cute rottweiler?! I thought her competition got to her! Man what a bitch, was considering actually tapping that one too...though it explains why I had no fucking idea what happened that night.” Jack admitted.

“I kept trying to tell you. Ya didn’t want to know after I told you that you got drugged.” Wilhelm informed.

“Well all you mentioned was the bitch was dead, and I was drugged, I didn’t draw the connections because I figured I must’ve taken her drink instead, and the guys burst in or something crazy that usually happens with our jobs.” Jack replied.

“You two are so awesome! Can I be the third wheel?!” Fragtrap pleaded.

“Not on your operating life.” Wilhelm said. “Though, we have been looking for a minion.”

“I will be your busboy for eternity to be part of this bromance!” Fragtrap stated.

“Okay~...not awkward at all.” Jack commented.

“You sausages are hilarious. I’ve got all that recorded for later, gonna laugh so hard again. I’ll pay you extra if you feel like sharing any funny stories. Just put those things up wherever and come on back whenever.” Springs informed, and we all quickly set about slapping up the adhesive-backed posters on the walls everywhere.

“Okay, next I believe the Princess wanted the Black Box of the crashed Dahl prison barge; Bridget.” Fragtrap stated as he turned to the crashed ship on the other side of the canyon.

“Oh...a canyon...and a jump pad...okay, good luck, I’m gone.” Jack turned to head back to Springs’ place, only for Wilhelm to grab the collar of his black leather jacket.

“You’re not getting out of this that easily, kid.” Wilhelm said before lifting and tossing Jack onto the jump pad, sending him flying over the canyon, screaming like a little girl, and having him land on his back on the hard metal floor of the downed prison ship’s ripped-open hull. Wilhelm then stepped on the jump pad, himself, soaring gracefully over the canyon to land just a few inches from Jack’s fetal-positioned crying form. “Suck it up already, geez.”

“No-place-like-home, no-place-like-home, no-place-like-home~!” Jack cried as he hugged his knees to his face as he rocked back and forth before Fragtrap landed bodily on him, producing a satisfying crunch before sending Jack rolling.

“That was fun!” Fragtrap cheered as Jack gasped for air inside the oxygenated environment of the ship, and took out another health hypo to heal his broken ribs. “There aren’t any jump pads planetside.”

“Holy shit Fragtrap! What’re you made of?! Claptraps are made of cheap recycled aluminum!” Jack shouted in anger as he got up from the floor.

“I am the original prototype CL4P-TP! Made of 50 percent steel, 50 percent titanium, 100 percent awesome! All of my inner robotics are mostly steel, but my outer chassis is titanium. I guess it’s why despite all the punishment; I’m still operating.” Fragtrap informed, getting Jack and Wilhelm to blink in surprise. “No, seriously! I’ve been gunned down, kicked, tossed into gorges and otherwise inescapable and unsurvivable situations more times than my limited memory storage can count, but I’m still rolling along!”

“Why didn’t they make all Claptraps as tough as you? I mean, sure, they’re annoying, but fact is having a fragile steward bot is just counterproductive.” Jack commented and Fragtrap folded his servos.

“I, am too much awesome to replicate! Also steel and titanium are heavy, and Hyperion wanted the CL4P-TP line to be accessible to the public. Sucks for them huh?” Fragtrap joked, laughing maniacally before he started rolling into the ship.

“Frag’s got serious hardware. Good titanium is hard to get these days….” Wilhelm mused as he followed after Frag. And Jack, not wanting to go over the gorge again, tagged along.

“I HATE THIS MOON!” Jack screamed as he flew up another section of the mostly hollowed-out ship from yet another jump pad. Deadlift was obviously fucking OBSESSED with the things!

“Get used to it.” Wilhelm said. “Come on, Echo says it’s just up ahead, anyways.”

The place was unusually enormous inside, it would seem Deadlift wanted this barge mostly for the fact it was mostly empty space, and several sections actually had ZERO gravity beyond the initial entryway. Fragtrap explained from his information database was that it was so the ship could hold so many prisoners, they could actually be clustered into giant balls of people in the zero gravity areas. Dahl was all kinds of fucked up…. As one Hyperion joke went, all they were good for was the dumpsters and outhouses that littered the galaxy.

However, the fact that this place was completely empty, was unnerving. Did Nisha and Aurelia kill that many people? Or was Deadlift’s crew really a skeleton operation for some reason? After several minutes, we reached a sealed-off section of the ship which was the heavily secured hall to the bridge, and Fragtrap, despite the zero-gravity conditions, started getting to work. The fact he was able to undo it within seconds compared to minutes with standard Hyperion doors really said something about Dahl’s security standards back then.

When the blast doors opened we floated into the suddenly gravity-held bridge, got off our faces, and entered to find the place butchered. “Shit, looks like Deadlift decided to clean house.” Jack commented as Wilhelm approached an audio log on the dismantled dash.

“Let’s see what the dead lips have to say.” Wilhelm said as he took the device into his Echo and pressed play.

“That bitch Zarpedon’s offered me some good money for the Bridget’s Black Box, so Squat, or Thrust, if you’re listening to this, it’s being kept in the safe in the aft half of the ship, don’t want that bitch just swooping in and taking away a payday like Dahl always did back then. Gotta get to the port side entrance, them girls been making mincemeat of the crew and I’ve gotta show em my conviction!”

“Wow, he certainly did, considering we saw his huge corpse in the entryway.” Fragtrap commented, the big, fat enormous space-suited idiot was perforated with enough bullets to leave him kangaroo swiss cheese.

“Aaaaand now we backtrack, the opposite direction. What is it with dead guys and hiding shit in inconvenient places?” Jack asked in annoyance, just before the bridge lost power. “Ooookay...not...totally creepy and ominous.”

“It’s the ghost of Deadlift! Wah!” Fragtrap wailed, before suddenly all the air in the ship seemed to start venting, sucking us out of the Bridge, down the empty expanse of the interior of the ship, and almost out the port side entrance we came through before the vacuum ended, and our Oz kits had to kick on. “The ship’s power! Without it, it can’t maintain its atmosphere!”

“But what caused it to fail is the question.” Wilhelm commented as he looked around for any active atmosphere, their shitty Oz kits only had less than a minute of air after all. Thankfully, the ship’s emergency protocols managed to initiate with reserve power as several air bubble nodes rose out of little niches, and Wil led the group to the nearest one as they all activated automatically as their protocol dictated, beings this was a prison barge the designers likely didn’t want the prisoners to die too easily..

“Spread out! Set the charges!” A deep, gritty voice shouted over the Echo, and dozens of scavs poured into the ship from the port and starboard entrances. “Remember, they need to be several dozen feet apart along the inner hull for maximum effect!”

“Holy shit! It’s a demolition crew!” Jack whisper-shouted the obvious as he crouched behind cover, Wilhelm and Frag deciding to follow since there was easily 30 or more of the thugs spreading out.

“We need to find the black box as fast as possible.” Wilhelm whispered as he jumped to another point of cover. “I’m estimating fifteen minutes max, but since they’re talking about spacing the charges, make it ten. Have to be high-explosives for a distance between charges like that.”

“Oi! Got some weird ones ‘ere!” Shit! They spotted us already!

“Whoever they are, doesn’t matter, kill them or let them leave, either way the ship gets gone.” The dark voice ordered, and was followed with plenty of agreeing voices.

“You ‘eard the boss! Git lost! Saved bullets means saved money!” One of the scavs shouted, and we promptly made to follow the waypoint.

“Jack, now’s a good time for what you’re good at.” Wilhelm whispered to Jack

“Damn it, convincing doubles are so hard to conjure! I could get them to walk out while we skulk into the hull, but they’d fade the moment they get too far.” Jacked prepared to cast when Wil flicked his horn, getting Jack to hiss.

“Not what I meant, kid. The other thing you’re good at.” Wil stated, pointing at his lips and Jack blinked.

“O-oh, right. Diplomacy. Ugh...I hate trying to parlay with thugs. Ahem. Excuse me! Parlay!” Jack called out and the Scavs seemed about to shoot when the biggest one held up his hand for them to wait.

“Oi, I said get lost. Whatever ya gotta say get it out now or we’ll shoot.” The apparent leader said in irritation.

“We just need to fetch something Deadlift hid in the aft. It’s worthless money-wise, but our employer wants it for historical reasons.” Jack insisted and the scav tapped the side of his shotgun thoughtfully, before waving us off.

“Git it over with quick, we’ll delay the explosives for 15 minutes instead of the planned 10. Now off with ya!” The scav shouted, and we promptly sped towards the back of the powered-down ship with haste. Thankfully that recorder had coordinates attached for Echo use, but it still gave a general area in the starboard aft near one of the engines. But finding the safe wasn’t an issue, and neither was smashing it open to find a black box about one cubic foot in size along with assorted goodies that we had no time for.

We then ran towards the starboard exit of the ship, jumping out and running only for the thing to explode shortly, sending us flinging towards some buildings as green corrosive explosions overtook the Bridget, both blasting her to pieces and melting the fragments into slag heaps.

“THAT’S FOR MOCKING ME DEADLIFT! Jump pads are so last decade! Porters are the future!” The dark and gritty mysterious voice shouted angrily. “So enjoy the rest of your pathetic life with just the ENTRANCE JUMPAD!”

“NO~! My ship!” Deadlift cried out as he rezzed from the nearby New-U just in time to see the Bridget explode. “My dreams! My Aspirations~!” He cried out as he fell to his knees, flinging his fists into the air furiously. “RIP~!” Title Card: Deadlift vs. RIP

That was cut off, though, as Wilhelm snuck up behind Deadlift and shot him with the Nukem, doing considerable crit damage and killing Deadlift instantly. “My rocket!” Wilhelm mocked.

“That was totally MLG!” Fragtrap appraised while Jack had facepalmed, his hand covering both eyes.

“James you cheeky sonuva...let’s just go.” Jack grumbled as he turned to walk away.

“Here you are, one mysterious box full of knowledge of potentially catastrophic nature.” Jack joked as he placed the one foot cubic black box on the crate nearest Luna, who was the most worried apparently when Deadlift’s ship went up in green flashes of light.

“Thank you. You went to great lengths and unexpected risk to obtain this for me. I will pay you in a moment, just let me….” Luna wirelessly connected her Echo into the box, and after watching the screen for several minutes, she seemed about to implode in despair. “They...they never planned to hold up...thank you. Now I know Dahl was truly vicious in this, and that it wasn’t just the call of a single corrupt higher official. Trust me, when things finally settle around here, we’re declaring war on Dahl once we get enough capital going.” Luna then entered something into her Echo, and our Huds flickered for a few seconds. “There, I’ve given your Echos the Master Code. Now your inventory spaces will be much more manageable and capable of holding more loot.”

“Luna~! That was for executives only!” John suddenly called over Echo and Luna laughed lightly.

“Oh please, you would’ve given Jack access if it turned out he was family anyway.” Luna commented and John pouted over the visual.

“But that’s...ugh, fine. Whatever. But I’m not telling Tassiter that three mercs got access to all the Echo’s unrestrained features without paying out the rear. And Fragtrap, be careful. That code is applicable to your OS, we don’t want you suddenly going genocidal interplanetary ninja assassin again.” John warned, but already Fragtrap was laughing maniacally and muttering of his plans to free robokind, getting John to sigh and hang up.

“Thanks, ma’am.” Wilhelm said politely.

“Tis nothing. Now, let us head to Concordia now that Springs’ vengeance has been enacted, in excess at that. Springs, wouldst thou, oh my….” Luna paused, and we saw Springs being dragged by the tail by a very stiff-winged Athena towards some private rooms.

“Talk to the pegasus! We’ll catch up-!” The door slammed and we all just stared for a moment, before moans could be heard and we all politely moved to the launch bay for the moon zoomies, which was just a fancy name for buggies.

“Okay, what happened to make the birdy drag the roo off for some fun time?” Wilhelm asked as we got into a second zoomy next to the one Aurelia and Nisha were already in, Fragtrap having offered to accompany Luna as an escort much to Luna’s quiet dismay that Jack hadn’t offered instead.

“Well after she gave us this robot vibrator.” Nisha said as she held up an Orbatron. “She gave Athena a picture of something, and then the griff went all ‘pomf’, and dragged her off.”

“Don’t let Fragtrap touch that, or me.” Wilhelm warned. “Trust me, it’s worse on Fraggy, but I still feel it. Personally, I don’t like it. It’s why I didn’t remove those organs.”

“Yes, quite. I’d rather not watch you have an orgasm just from touching it. If I want such a show, I’d head to the slum cities of Promethea.” Aurelia dismissed. “Also, Springs said to mention you should watch it on the cybernetics or whatnot, something about rust disease around your eye.”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll remember that. Pffft.” Wilhelm replied angrily. “Just watch, I’m going to become a mighty death machine, and I’ll still be killing while you’re all dead of age or something.”

“Yeah, yeah, just keep reminding me of that while I’m the one calibrating something in you and you’re stuck sitting in a chair for several hours while I do it.” Jack grumbled from the driver seat, starting the zoomy up.

“Beings we art without need of air, we shall meet thee on the other side of the chasm!” Luna yelled over the engines, and then led Fragtrap out by the hand like she was his caretaker or something, and then somehow began flying without even moving her wings, carrying Fragtrap like he was weightless.

“Whoa! Princess! Magical moon powers go~!” Fragtrap cheered over the Echo. “All you need~, is a little faith, trust, and pony dust~!”

“Thou art a silly jester Fragtrap.” Luna giggled and they all shook their heads as Jack and Nisha both pulled the zoomies out of the garage and into the airless expanse, the vehicle’s contained air-bubble system supporting their Oz kits so they didn’t have to worry about air while out of an atmosphere. “We see the jump, tis truly too great a gap for jumping on thine own power. We suggest hitting the shattered bridge at full speed to make it.”

Following Luna’s advice, Jack and Nisha gunned the thrusters as they hit the ramp, and something erupted beneath them, almost totalling the zoomies and sending them flipping end over end and crashing so hard into the moon from the spin velocity the zoomies were crumpled. Thankfully the intense spinning had jettisoned the passengers out into the air, crashing across the area as the kraggons all roared in fear and took off.

“Art thou okay?!” Jack heard through ringing ears, and someone helped him up with levitation. “What is that foul beast?!” Luna, having sufficiently helped Jack, and apparently the others, up, drew attention to the cause of the group’s near-deaths in questionably safe vehicles, to see a massive creature that looked like a fusion of acid, lava, rocks, and radiation, rising up out of the deep canyon they’d just jumped. It promptly opened it’s enormous maw, and let loose a frighteningly familiar keening roar. Title Card: Iwajira, King of Kraggons.

“Well...we’re fucked.”

Author's Note

Yay, back again. DJ's situation really sucks, I mean, he's going through a serious transition in his life and he still wants to work on stuff, what a trooper.

Thanks again to DJ A String, my Co-writer on this for driving ideas forward and making things happen even in adversity :yay:

Can't Stop the Rock? Watch Us!

[Serenity's Waste]

"AH~! IS GOZIRA~! WE GONNA DIE~!” Jack screamed as he along with most of the group ran away from the giant green laser beam Iwajira somehow fired from his three-hinged jaw.

“Oh stop being such babies! It’s just a kraggon!” Wilhelm said right before getting smacked by Iwajira’s right claw and sent flying into Aurelia, knocking her over and pinning her.

“As flattering as such a situation is, I kindly suggest you MOVE!” Aurelia shouted as she hugged Wilhelm and rolled them away from a barrage of green exploding rocks the great Godzilla-imitator launched at them like a cannon. “When this is over with I had best have finally earned my wings!”

“Flee! Flee from the splash zone!” Luna shouted from afar, having stayed far enough away from Iwajira that she wasn’t in immediate danger as she peppered the great rock beast with her cryo lasers. “What is this creature?! How could any beast borne of our moon be strong enough to resist our power?!”

“If it makes ya any happier, blame Dahl!” Nisha shouted as she evaded a swipe of the beast’s claws and threw a grenade at it’s head, only reaching it’s neck and sticking there, before exploding violently and making Iwajira roar in pain as it’s molten green acid-lava blood dumped out, almost raining on Nisha who had to use her wings to help her back off, even if her damaged one made it less effective.

“If it’s okay with all of you! I’m going to sit this one out! I’m made of metal after all! Wilhelm! You shouldn’t be fighting it either! My scans indicate your cybornetics aren’t made of polymers and resins, that thing’ll dissolve your limbs right off!” Fragtrap shouted from near Luna, peppering the beast from afar with his rifle, irritating it and distracting it as best he can.

“Stuff it, ya toaster. That thing hit me, and I’m killing it!” Wilhelm yelled as he ran towards the beast, firing at it with his shotgun that had started to glow yellow, firing a stream of rapid-fire pellets straight at the thing’s face, and it took the shots before roaring and vomiting acid-lava at him.

“Wilhelm get out of there! Get your Nukem ready, I don’t think this thing’ll be going down with anything less!” Jack shouted as he aimed his thankfully shock-element Maliwan sniper rifle and shot into the thing’s mouth, getting it’s attack interrupted as Wilhelm rolled to the side, and a second sniper round entered it’s mouth courtesy of Aurelia, who had taken Wilhelm’s bullrush as a chance to get some distance from the beast.

“Yes! Enforcer Wilhelm! Use thine impressively potent rocket launcher to end this cur!” Luna added as she redoubled her efforts, firing an alternating stream of cryo lasers into the monster’s maw as Wilhelm doubled back and summoned forth Nukem onto his shoulder, the process being even faster and easier with the Master Code unlocking his Echo’s limits.

“Just a note, this thing eats ammo.” Wilhelm complained as he shot Iwajira in the face with the Nukem. The effect was profoundly potent, and the great beast’s head was blown clear off, sending the body slumping, until it rumbled, and exploded again, only this time with two equal-sized sections flying out in a frighteningly familiar fashion.

“Oh FUCK no! This thing can split like the normal ones?!” Nisha cursed as one of the halves landed almost smack-dab in the middle of the group, unfolding into a still-massive beast of ridiculous size compared to us. “At least the other one ended up on the other side of the canyon!” Nisha shouted as she ran away from Iwajira lumbering after her on all four legs like a normal kraggon.

“Good thing these things can’t really jump all that well when they’re big!” Aurelia added as she eyed the other one roaring at them from the other side, before pacing, and sulking as it started lumbering off to the lava pool. “I don’t think we could’ve handled them both at once.”

“Ya got that right. And since this guy’s weaker…” Wilhelm said before whispering something to Fragtrap over private Echo.

“You really think I can?” Fragtrap asked.

“Of course you can, little guy.” Wilhelm encouraged.

“Well then, let’s do this.” Fragtrap said before charging Iwajira and shouting, “LEEROY JENKINS!” Jack groaned as he facepalmed, ignoring the screams of the little robot as the giant beast took him into it’s mouth and started shaking, the robot’s titanium chassis being more resistant to the acids than more common metals.

“Damn it James...okay, save Fragtrap.” However, everyone was surprised when Iwajira howled in agony as it’s chest started convulsing, before one last shake caused a section of it’s front to crack open, spewing more of it’s molten life-blood.

“Ha! Suck grenades bitch!” Fragtrap shouted as he tossed what seemed to be the last of several grenades into the thing’s gullet, and the thing’s cracked chest exploded outward in a rocky blossom of green lava, making it cough and send Fragtrap flying towards the group, bouncing along due to his trapezoidal frame.

“Told you you could do it, little buddy!” Wilhelm shouted.

“FINISH HIM!” Fragtrap shouted from his place laying on the ground with an unusually deep and resonating voice.

“Dude. Don’t do that again.” Wilhelm said as he took yet another shot at Iwajira with the Nukem then went to reload as the pitifully weakened beast exploded violently in a rain of rocks, rapidly cooling lava, and loot, as all Great and Powerful creatures tend to do in this universe for some reason. “Wow, that was easy.”

“AND YOU HAD TO FUCKING JINX IT!” Jack screamed, getting everyone to look back over the canyon and see the other remaining half of Iwajira rolling towards the ramp on that side like a bowling ball, and everyone scattered as it ramped up and over the canyon, unfolding a bit before balling up again and taking the plunge, it’s mass making up for the lower gravity and knocking everyone over, flinging those closest; Wilhelm and Frag, further away, before it unfolded and roared into the air, launching a plume of acid-lava all over like a volcano.

“We grow tired of this! Taste our magic, cur!” Luna’s eyes turned white, and she floated up as her cerulean aura encompassed her body, and fired a condensed beam of pure cryo energy at the beast, that initially roared in preparation for pain, but instead growled in confusion before howling with joy as Luna gasped and fell to her knees. “W-what? O-our power….” Luna passed out, her beam stopping and the beast roared before erupting with cryo ice spikes all over, dripping as they were rapidly freezing, melting, and refreezing from the combination of molten rock, acid, and cryo, seeming to have stolen Luna’s energy for a power-up.

“WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW CAN IT DO THAT?! Luna’s the GODDESS of this rock!” Jack screamed in fury as he jumped to the side to evade a shard of ice that exploded into shrapnel, peppering his shield to almost full depletion.

“I don’t know. I don’t care. All I know is that I’m gonna kill it.” Wilhelm said as he approached, dusting off the bits of moon rock from himself. “That thing sent me into a building and into the floor. I am not letting it live.” Wilhelm then charged at the massive Kraggon, only for his charge to be halted by Iwajira grabbing him in a fore claw and attempting to crush, and then eat Wilhelm. It only managed to damage Wilhelm’s robotic left forearm and clutch his lower left leg in his maw, getting just past the cybernetic boot on it, and ripping it off. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“WILHELM! DAMN IT! IT TOOK HOURS TO GET THAT INSTALLED!” Jack screamed with even more rage. “WILHELM! PROTOCOL T3000!”

“Gladly.” Wilhelm said in a voice that sent chills down the other’s collective spines and chassis while Jack merely crossed his fingers. Wilhelm’s optic then began to glow brightly as the color changed to a deep crimson. “TERMINATION PROTOCOL ACTIVE!” He then glared directly into Iwajira’s eyes. “YOU. ARE. TERMINATED!” Then, Wilhelm exploded. Not literally though, he caused an explosive nova around him that also had a similar potency and effect as the Nukem’s special missiles, but with a larger blast radius. The blast kicked up a ton of dust and sent loot flying everywhere, making it impossible to tell if the result of Wilhelm’s massive blast.

“WOO! It worked! Took months of trial and error, but the Termination Protocol works!” Jack crowed in victory, totally unconcerned for Wilhelm’s welfare at the moment as he began walking casually into the settling dust. “Yo Wil! You alive? Need rezz?” No response. “Damn it, did you short out your voice box again? Slam a limb into the ground so I can find you in this dust.” A weak tapping came from the forward left. “Oh, great, you’re losing blood again, aren’t you? Coming to stab you with a health hypo.”

Jack soon found Wilhelm, his left leg even less organic now with more of his thigh gone, and his forearm’s cybernetics had damaged the tissue of the mounted area. “Gah! This’ll take ages! Here, a hypo, ya sure ya just don’t want me to shoot you in the skull, get a rezz? Sure it’ll cost a few thousand bucks, but it’d save time.” Jack growled as he stabbed the hypo into Wilhelm’s shoulder, his stump leg stopped gushing blood and his forearm healed up, but Jack groaned at seeing he might need to reintegrate the mounting into wil’s flesh, and that usually means having to cut back a bit of the flesh for fresh nerves.

“Jus̷̴̀͘͞t̸̀́͠ ̷̴͝f҉i͢x me.” Wilhelm got out in a very quiet and screwed up robotic voice.

“Ugh, fine ya big baby. Dying sucks, but it would’ve been easier than what I have to do now. Hope you don’t mind getting upgrades ahead of schedule.” Jack grumbled, using his telekinesis to levitate the gimp as he started stomping his hooves in the direction of Concordia while the others all got their loot on. “Be sure to share, or whatever, I’ve got to get Wil to Concordia for repairs and upgrades.”

“OHMYGOSH! A THINGY!” Fragtrap shouted in excitement as he rolled up to Jack and held up a green rocket launcher with yellow Eridian lines running over it, and it had horn-like protrusions around the end of the tube. “Sometimes, a Legendary weapon is born of the labors of unloved, hated monsters. This, a Thingy, is an ultra rare product replicated by bandits and scavs the galaxy over, but considering how shitty most of their gear is, it’s so hard to come by this model.”

“B̷̀̀͡i̵̴̧̕҉t́͜͞͡c͟͞h̸̀͡ ̛͡t̛͝h̡̡ą̸̀͟ţ̷͟'̨͏̢s҉̵̧ ̢̀͘͡m̷̧̡͠͠i̵̧͜n̴̸̕͟͠e̴̢͝͝!” Wilhelm attempted to shout in his glitchy and damaged voice. “M̵͘y̸̸͢ ̵̢͠ḱ͢͜i̛l̵̛͜͠͡ļ͜,̸̴ ̵̷̕m̸҉̸́y̕̕͜ ̛͞҉l̷͟͡o̶̴ò̧͡t͠҉.̷́̀͢͏” WIlhelm then coughed up a little bit of blood.

“What was that? I couldn’t hear you through all the interference in your voice module. I’ll just hold onto this for you for now, my frame’s too top-heavy to use something like a launcher efficiently, and the others are picking things they prefer up already.” Fragtrap put the epic legendary weapon in his Echo, and Wilhelm grumbled before Jack stabbed another hypo into him, and levitated Luna along as he and Fragtrap continued towards Concordia while the others looted and got their shit in order.

[Concordia]

Riding the small monorail from the station to the top level of the mostly subterranean colony city of Concordia was nice enough, considering the thing smelled of copper and gunpowder like most Dahl things did. Thankfully the ride was smooth though, since Jack took the short trip to open up Wilhelm’s back panel, and fix his voice modulator so he could speak.

When they reached the terminal, it was nice enough, fairly clean and all, but when they walked down the corridor, a blue claptrap stopped them dead. “Halt! Nobody is allowed into Concordia without a passport, present your papers!” The impudent thing demanded.

“What did you just demand of your superior being you mother-trucker?!” Fragtrap demanded.

“Oh! A violation! You’re potty mouth has broken Concordia’s verbal refuse laws, you just got a ticket!” The little shit actually wrote out a ticket on the spot.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Fragtrap screamed, and the ass with the police hat instantly wrote out another ticket.

“And you just got another ticket! That’s two tickets, I love rules!”

“Fuck off you little worthless piece of scrap!” Fragtrap squealed, his optic turning red before he grabbed the suddenly flailing smaller claptrap by the arms, and quickly ripped them out, before jamming his servos into the power-abusing thing’s eye, and ripped that out too, before Frag summoned his Vladof pistol and spammed bullets into the already-dead thing until the clip ran out, the robot psychosomatically taking heavy breaths. “FUCK! ALL! CLAPTRAPS!” Fragtrap screamed in fury with a distorted deeper voice as alarms rang across the station and all the things sealed by the Customs Claptrap were unlocked across the station.

“W-what’s happened?! Who broke the Customs Claptrap again? Was it you Trixie?” A pudgy mare with tan fur and gray done up-in-a-bun mane asked worriedly over the Echo.

“Trixie has done no such thing! The little parasite learned from last time that Trixie is fully licensed to sell her wares on Elpis.” A rather beautiful young mare with powder-blue fur and a long silver mane rebutted. “I heard gunfire, might be scavs again, or tourists the stupid thing agitated too much.”

“Oh well, I was considering retiring the damned thing anyway. It served it’s purpose for years but I’m tired of the thing. Ahem. Citizens of Concordia, from this day forth, the Customs Claptrap is hereby removed from duty. Permanently.” The round-cheeked mare’s announcement was responded to with an innumerable number of cheers echoing from the whole city, even all the way up from the bottom of the giant pit in the center the group had approached. “So this means I’m in need of a deputy, I’ll be holding interviews for anyone who’s interested. That is all.”

“Trixie thanks you for destroying that blasted machine! Please, come to Trixie’s Magical Emporium under the bank, second highest level for a reward for claptrap’s death. Oh...that felt so good to say.” The mare named Trixie offered, and the waypoint instantly updated that as a priority.

“Hey fellas...sorry for losing it back there, I don’t know what came over me. I was just suddenly FILLED with blind rage and hatred!” Fragtrap apologized getting Jack to wave him off.

“Hey, no big, I was a step away from doing it myself. But what was that Orbatron for anyway? We got in just fine.” Jack mused, before Wilhelm shuddered at realizing why, but not being able or willing to tell. “Whatever, if she’s who I think she is, this Trixie will be a good contact.”

They traipsed down the way towards the bank, and then went to the side to a stairway, where Jack and Wil both marveled at Fragtrap’s amazing stair-climbing wheel, which literally turned into a sort of morphing black tire that seamlessly met each step with solidity. After the marvelling was through and Frag’s ego was stoked a bit, they rounded the corner of the next level down, which had two stories of space between the floor and ceiling, and around to the right was a traditional WOOD sign of a top hat and classic showman’s wand with the title: Trixie’s Magic Emporium, under it.

“Nice place. Got a fancy sign out front, wondering what it’s like inside.” Wilhelm said with genuine curiosity. “Seriously. The last time I saw wood was down on Pandora, actual fucking TREES of all things. Remember Jakobs Cove?” Wilhelm prodded, bringing memories of a couple weeks ago to the fore.

“The place that had that zombie infestation a few years back? Yeah, we were only there a couple days, but you don’t forget seeing trees, especially not that big.” Jack reminisced.

“Yeah, that place is pretty cool. Dead guys and fancy shit. Anyways, you have a pretty cool place. In fact, it’s a bit too nice. You secretly a merc or a bandit lord?” Wilhelm joked as the three entered the shop, and were stunned at all the WOOD inside. Wood shelves, wood cabinets, actual BOOKS of all things, made of paper, and even the counter was made of pure, rich, dark wood, lacquered and polished to a shine as the rather attractive mare behind it smugly ran her hands across the beyond valuable surface, her admittedly eye-catching bust in her classy blue robe barely even distracting from the obscenely beautiful mirror-like surface.. “Again, way too nice. In fact, I think I remember seeing your picture somewhere…”

“To lay aside any concerns of legality, I am Trixie; former premier duelist from Promethea.” The mare informed, and Jack’s jaw dropped as Wilhelm shouted in alarm from the green aura suddenly vanishing from him and dropping him a few feet like a sack of potatoes.”

“THE Trixie?! Trixie the Trickster? Trixie the Teenage Duelist?” Jack asked excitedly with a total fangasm on the way. “You disappeared from the dueling circuit a few years back and nobody could find hide nor hair of you.”

“Well, Trixie is glad her reputation still holds weight, but Trixie grew tired of her life as the Trickster. She wanted a calmer, quieter life helping promote the spread of magic. Also I just wanted to get off Promethea at last.” Trixie informed, only for Athena’s image to appear on the receiver of their Echos.

“And being a traitor.” Came Athena’s voice over Echo. She sounded a bit more… happy. Looked like she had just had a nice time, too. “Guys, as much as I’d love to be over there, I’m busy with Janey. If you could kill her for me, that’d be nice.” Then the echo went silent.

“Oh, damn. That was Athena wasn’t it?” Trixie sighed and combed a hand through her mane idly, as if being a target was truly no issue, which considering her previous vocation, it wasn’t.

“Yeah, she’s kind of our friend. Well, more like business associate.” Wilhelm said. “Don’t worry, you’ve given us no reason to kill you. Be glad Athena’s not here.”

“Uh, Wil? I know you saw that griff in action. I don’t want to piss her off.” Jack admitted. “But, that also works both ways here. You still duel?” Jack offered, and the mare smirked as she raised an eyebrow.

“Not really. Trixie is retired, after all…but Trixie might be willing to…for a price.” Trixie added as she looked Jack up and down, making the stallion blush at once again being ogled. “Well...perhaps...it has been a long time. If you would give Trixie either some help in the shop, or a date, she’d accept. But first; your reward little robot. I saw over the cameras that you’re the one who butchered that idiot machine, and even if you are one too; that instantly puts you in my good books. It’s trash really, but I want you to have this. Prepare to get your ears blown out.”

Trixie warned before she took out...oh...oh hell no, not one of-. “HOLY SHIT! WHERE WAS THAT THING HIDING?!” Jack and Wilhelm cringed at the new voice. It was unmistakable who it was, there was only one person with that voice in the entire galaxy. “SORRY IF IT SEEMS SUSPICIOUS I CAN SEE WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE, BUT AS A CORPORATE HEAD, I HAVE ACCESS TO RANDOM ECHO FEEDS, AND AUTO-TAG ANYTHING WITH SPECIFIC CRITERIA!” Mr. Torgue High-Five Flexington, founder and head of the Torgue Corporation.

“Warned you.” Trixie smirked as she held up a Flakker, a piece-of-shit ‘Legendary’ shotgun, that only earned the title for its excessive power, and that it was the first ‘successful’ model Torgue ever released. There were about 30 or so out on the market as it was, but they were so disliked that they could be about anywhere, even in the trash, but often they somehow end up the first ‘Legendary’ weapon a collector gets their hands on, much to said collector’s embarrassment.

“I’m glad my Echolink is broken right now, still cringed even from a distance.” Wilhelm said. “Oh, by the way Jack, you’re going to have to fix that.”

“Swell….” Jack growled in annoyance.

“ANYWAY, LITTLE ROBOT DUDE! I WILL NOT SUBJECT YOU TO THE TORMENT OF MY FAILURE! BRING IT TO THESE COORDINATES, AND I WILL PROMPTLY BLOW IT THE FUCK UP, AND GIVE YOU THE FUNCTIONING VERSION OF THE FLAKKER THAT I NEVER RELEASED, OUT OF THE EMBARRASSMENT THAT THE ORIGINAL IS STILL ON THE MARKET!”

“Wow! Really? I get an exclusive gun?! This is so awesome!” Fragtrap squealed as Trixie handed him the soon-to-die shotgun.

“ONLY UNTIL I CAN BELIEVE THAT MOST OF ALL THE ORIGINAL FLAKKERS ARE GONE! WHICH MIGHT TAKE EVEN YEARS OF WRESTING THEM FROM FOOLISH COLLECTOR’S HANDS!”

“Neato! I’ll be heading out for a bit guys, be right back!” Fragtrap gleefully rushed out the open door, and the stallions turned their attention back to Trixie.

“So anyway, about that duel….” Jack then blushed at remembering she’d get a date with him if she won. “Um...I’m kinda not comfortable with dates though.”

“Too bad, if Trixie wins, you will take her for a lovely dinner to the Bison Bistro. They serve steak~.” Trixie tempted, and beings ponies here were omnivores what with Pandora being unforgiving, Jack’s mouth started watering, and Wilhelm down on the floor was too.

“Jack, come over here for a sec. First off, close your mouth. Second off, take this.” Wilhelm said, reaching for his echo and pulling out the Nukem. “Echolink may be broken, but storage isn’t. Be happy about that. Now buck up, do that duel, and shoot her with it!”

“O-okay. So, uh, what do I get if I win? Besides money I mean, you want a date, what could I get? Or...does it HAVE to be me?” Jack grinned evilly, looking down at a constant source of irritation yet companionship, and Wilhelm started sweating. “If I win; YOU have to take Wilhelm here to that Bison Bistro place.”

“Cool. Sounds like fun.” Wilhelm admitted, and the mare pouted as she looked down at the currently crippled cyborg, pursing her lips as if weighing her options, and huffed out her nose before gesturing out the door.

“Let us duel! It has been too long.” Trixie admitted with excitement, summoning what seemed to be a purple-rarity Vladof sniper rifle, making Jack’s eyes widen and he gulped nervously, hoping he didn’t make a stupid mistake. Sure he wouldn’t die, but it’d still hurt!

“Jack. Calm. Just use what I gave you. She may be a crackshot, but from what I remember you didn’t stipulate any rules yet.” Wilhelm said.

“I know, thanks.” Jack rustled his black leather jacket, rubbing the sleeves nervously as he stepped out into the large hall of the area, Trixie standing a ways down the path to the right. “Okay, so anything goes?”

“Yes, Trixie will allow you any weapon or tactics, this isn’t a competition duel.” She stated, and Jack took a deep, steadying breath. “On go.” Their Echos both suddenly red-barred in front of both of them with a countdown.

The instant it hit 1 and the starting chime began, Trixie moved her rifle to her face so fast Jack barely moved aside to dodge the bullet, and the subsequent bullets sent out of the automatic sniper rifle as he juked and summoned the weapon that Wilhelm lent him, grunting and barely managing to even hold it as he took aim and Trixie’s eyes widened in shock at her realizing she should’ve set some rules. “HAIL TO THE KING!” Jack shouted before launching a missile from the Nukem, the launch force alone being too much and toppling Jack over.

Trixie screamed as the explosion burned away her robe, her coat, and even some of her flesh but the Echo’s limited Duel Protection feature prevented it from outright killing her by locking her in a partially digistructed state until the attack ended. “Ah~! Ow~! Damn! Trixie hasn’t lost so badly before!” Jack’s nose asploded as even though she lost fur and some of her pale blue skin underneath was burned, she was now completely naked, her impressive bosom on display along with the rest of her. However she paid it no mind as she fished a hypo from her Echo and jammed it into her thigh, healing all the burns and returning her fur with a sigh as she put her hands on her luscious hips, her thick thighs proudly displaying her star wand and veil cutie marks to the universe. “Well...Trixie supposes it’s only fair, she didn’t think ahead.”

“Ma’am. You may want to -pffft- get some clothes.” Wilhelm chuckled. ‘Damn she’s hot….’

“Oh grow up, it’s only natural. Have you ever BEEN to Promethea? Most folks can’t even afford CLOTHES, so they go around in the buff in more rural places. Honestly, what is with people and all this talk of modesty?” Trixie asked with a huff, walking back into her store as casual as she pleased, her long silver tail swishing behind her tight, bubble buns.

“Trust me, I’ve been there. Hell, you think it’s that bad? Go look in the slums.” Wilhelm said.

“Oh, Trixie LIVED in the slums for years cyborg. Had to make do too. Imagine her frustration, trying to make a living in the local dueling district in the buff and nobody taking her seriously.” Trixie growled. “Lots of fools lost thinking they were all that because their opponent had no shield, or clothes for that matter, and look where they are; still at the bottom while Trixie rose up and out.” Trixie proudly put a hand to her hip and the other over her large breasts in pride. “Regardless, very well, the duel is done, the stakes must be carried out. You best get on your hooves quick cyborg, Trixie isn’t patient.” She turned and stretched as she walked, Wilhelm idly eyeing her flanks.

“Hmph...I’m ordering the most expensive steak in the place.” Wilhelm warned, grinning. ‘Mmmm...steak….’

“Alright, now that that’s over with, let’s see about trying to fix you up...maybe I can scrap that claptrap for parts.” Jack mused as he levitated Wilhelm out of the nude mare’s store.

“Please no.”

“Ep-ep-ep! Robot gets no choice in the matter.”

“Asshole….”

Author's Note

Once again, DJ A String pushes and I must comply with my awesome friend, even if I want to play Bloodborne more than anything right now :rainbowlaugh:

We been slaying and preying on Iwajira for a while now to get a feel for this thing, and also because Iwa is a cheap and easy source of moonstone. :rainbowwild:

Concordia. Fun Place.

[Concordia]

“Okay, now I’m going to reconnect the nerves-.” Jack suddenly jammed the new forearm into Wilhelm’s metal nerve stump, getting the stallion to flinch and the new arm mostly made of aluminum at the moment to spasm, which was indicative of a successful nerve connection. “-Now. How’s that feel?”

“It feels like you just attached a piece of crap to my leg and replaced my nice arm with an even worse piece of crap.” Wilhelm responded as he sat up, flexing the much flimsier prosthetics that would be fine for living, but not for combat. “Seriously. I hate this.”

“Ach, this is interesting field of medicine. Nina wonders why she never got into cybernetics now.” The “nurse” of concordia, Nina, said from her seat off to the side of her sickroom. She was a huge brown bear in every aspect of the word. Thankfully the plump and kind-yet-firm bear’s medical outfit conserved her modesty, as considering how BIG she was Jack was sure he wouldn’t be able to stop looking.

“Thanks for letting me use your sickroom Nina.” Jack thanked only for the strict matronly bear to smile amicably and laugh with a hearty little chuckle.

“Is job to mend folks, but Nina not know how to fix metal-man. Nina is not ashamed to let another doctor work in her practice.” The bear waved off. “Now if you are all fixed, go, need to clean bed for next patient.”

“I’ll need to bring him back to put in his combat prosthetics later, is that okay?” Jack asked as Wilhelm gingerly stepped on the skeletal new leg, worried he’d break it.

“Absolutely, but give Nina time to prep a proper operation table this time, is easier to clean than bed, heh, heh!” The bear turned to her task and Jack followed Wilhelm out of the clinic.

“Oh just walk on it you big foal, it’s aluminum, not tin.” Jack chided, his friend limping off the foot as if it’d snap under him like a twig. Crafted from claptrap parts or not, geez….

“Doesn’t make me feel any more comfortable about it.” Wilhelm complained. “I mean, you used a salvaged Claptrap. That kinda says enough as is.” Jack held up a pipe made of refabricated aluminum from the claptrap he digistructed down to base, and smashed it clean into the heavy metal wall behind him, barely getting the pipe to bend.

“It’s aluminum Wil, it’s stronger than it seems. Claptraps are just poorly designed as-is aside from Frag. It’ll take your weight, just don’t go kicking kraggons or something until I make you a new leg out of steel, or if we’re lucky; titanium. Maybe carbon fiber this time….” Jack mused, looking over the railing and down the pit at the scrap/junk/garbage pile down at the bottom. “Blegh...dumpster diving for materials yet again….”

“I know. Reminds me of that time we got trapped in that raider infested town, except this is still easier.” Wilhelm said. “Back then, we had tons of people shooting at us.”

“And me picking up some hitchhikers in my flanks while I was face-first in a dumpster grabbing tin cans to fabricate into parts for your crapped-out leg.” Jack touched his thighs where some bullets nearly hamstringed him, and remembered Trixie’s marks. For some reason, what his marks were completely blanked out from his mind, like he’d forgotten. “James...what’s happening to us?”

“I don’t know, alright?” Wilhelm said. “I… I don’t know.”

“I mean, we’re not...weren’t, unicorns. Ponies even. We used to be human. How did we get here? Why? What happened to the real Jack and Wilhelm? Why do we have their memories?” Jack questioned, leaning over the railing and sighing as he looked down the pit. “What happened to Ryan Flora and James Anderson? Did we die? Are we from some sort of soul-transferral bullshit like from those shitty fanfics? Like when someone dies and turns into Naruto or some crap?”

“I don’t know, Ryan, and at this point, I don’t really care that much.” Wilhelm said. “I’m a lot stronger now, I’m not just like Wilhelm, I am Wilhelm. I… I just don’t know what to say about it.”

“Ugh...you were always the doer rather than the thinker between us. Damn it, why did we have to match Jack and Wil so much? It’s so hard to remember who I am….” Jack growled, sighing out his nose. “You have a date to get to, I have some work to do and a brother and niece to meet, there’s no way they aren’t my relatives.” Jack mumbled, sulking.

“Don’t worry about it, buddy. Things will turn out okay. And hey, at least this is better than home.” Wilhelm said sympathetically. “Well, minus people shooting at us all the time, that is.”

“Sadly, I actually consider that a plus...kinda scary I find it fun huh?” Jack admitted, chuckling darkly at enjoying all the life-and-death situations he never had before as a human, but Jack’s life for the past year had been fraught with peril and he loved it incredibly. “Now get going, you have a hot, deadly mare to be treated to dinner by.”

Wilhelm snorted, drooling a bit at the thought of steak as he turned away from his existentially-concerned friend, knowing he wouldn’t do anything stupid like scramble his New-U account and off himself. Jack’s musing was only interrupted by a violent explosion outside the colony that rocked the nearby area. “TAKE THAT YOU DISGUSTING FAILURE OF A PRODUCT!” Torgue’s screaming spilled over onto the general Echo lines and Jack snorted in humor.

“Better get used to it I guess….”

[Bison Bistro]

Wilhelm entered the steakhouse-themed restaurant eagerly, pushing open the old-fashioned steel double-doors with an eager look in his organic eye, roving over the place as the maitre-d, a beefy and ridiculously cut bison approached with a grin on his face. “Welcome to the Bison Bistro, where every bit of flesh to pass your lips tastes true to form. Would you happen to be Wilhelm?”

“Yes.” Wilhelm responded simply.

“You have a lady waiting for you over there.” He informed politely, pointing out Trixie’s booth over in the corner near the kitchen doors.

“Thank you.” Wilhelm said, then walked over to the table Trixie was sitting at, having to dodge a large number of other patrons of many different species before taking a seat across from the mare. “Hello Trixie.”

“Welcome Cyborg, to the tastiest place on Elpis. Only some scavs might say otherwise with their well-seasoned and roasted torks, but this is also the classiest on Elpis.” Trixie boasted, adjusting the straps of her deep blue dress.

“Seems like it.” Wilhelm said somewhat awkwardly, his eyes wandering around the room. “Your dress is… nice.”

“Thank you?” Trixie more asked than responded, looking bewildered. “Tin-man, just for reference, Trixie is a nudist, she couldn’t care less what she wears. But thank you nonetheless.”

“Yeah…” Wilhelm groaned.

“Oh don’t be a prude.” Trixie chided with humor, a giggle on her lips. “Trixie is proud of her body, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am. I built most of it.” Wilhelm snapped. “It’s most of my biological parts I can’t really stand.”

“Oh? Shame.” Trixie commented idly as she picked up her menu to start looking over the options, but she already knew what to get, that was obvious. “I rather like your organic eye.”

“Yeah, well ya gotta keep one of them.” Wilhelm joked. “I mean, things happen on the job, just gave me another excuse to get more cybernetics.”

“Well just know that if Trixie is in any way interested, be sure to preserve a certain area at least.” Trixie grinned lecherously, making Wilhelm blush at her boldness. “Now, Trixie always gets the mushroom sauce fillet, what will you be getting?”

“Steak.” Wilhelm said simply, offering no other response.

“Oh silly cyborg. Everything on the menu is steak, Trixie means what kind?” The mare stressed with amusement.

“Pepperloin a la Tenderloin.” Wilhelm said, pointing to THE most expensive item on the menu.

“Oh~ somepony has taste! Waiter~!” Trixie called, Wilhelm’s mouth getting a bit moist at the thought of the meal.

“Yes, ma’am?” The waiter, a well-dressed kangaroo said as he approached.

“Trixie is getting the usual, and her date is getting the Pepperloin a la Tenderloin.”

“Very well, ma’am.” The waiter said. “Might I suggest that your date order something else, though? We are currently low on the seasoning needed to make his meal thanks to the recent scav raid. Perhaps we could-”

“You mean to tell me I can’t get what I’m ordering?” Wilhelm growled as he stood back up. “Where’s these food-thieving scavs? I’ll blow their heads off!” Wilhelm took out a standard Dahl pistol he had stored in his echo. “I want my steak, damn it!”

“Well sir, if you’re so eager, the one who may know runs the Up-And-Over bar topside. Ask for Moxxi.” The waiter informed calmly, people toted guns all the time, this was no different.

“Thank you.” Wilhelm said, putting away the pistol. “Come on, Trixie. I’m getting my steak.”

“Hm...a stallion of action like all the news say. Very well, Trixie will come along. Been forever since she flexed some genuine muscle.” Trixie mused as she got out of her seat, ripping her dress off to reveal a simple dark blue tube-top and jean short-shorts underneath as she took out a Jakobs pistol. “So Trixie was prepared.”

[Nina’s Clinic]

Jack had spent the past hour rifling through most of Concordia’s dumpsters and the trash pit at the very bottom of the colony, a whole hundred floors down and several stories into the moon’s surface. He found tons of good grift he could repurpose, it was amazing what people would throw away because they can just digistruct a new item.

“Jack! You better have my parts ready!” Came Wilhelm’s booming voice. “We got a quest to do!”

“I hope you didn’t just include me. I still have to be here to meet up with John and Angel for the DNA testing.” Jack called from Nina’s operation table, which she’d so generously cleared off for him to work on the robotic limbs. “As for your new arm and leg, I’ve already finished their key functions, just armoring them at this point.” Which was sped up by the fact Jack found some old Dahl prosthetics tossed in the garbage. He wondered how funny of a reaction Wilhelm would have to his new limbs being designed originally for a diamond dog rather than a pony. They’d still work, they just look different, clawed fingers and softly padded foot for one.

Wilhelm properly entered the sickroom to see his new limbs, and groaned. “Dahl Dog limbs? Really?”

“Hey, these things were mostly intact, and they’re made of high-carbon steel. Only titanium and carbon fiber are better. I just spent an hour diving through dumpsters for you, I smell ripe like a dump for you.” Jack complained, waving his hands at Wilhelm to blow some of the stench towards him.

“Whew, Nina agrees, tin-man needs more appreciation, especially for Nina not forcing him to shower in decontamination chamber!” Which, as everyone knows, burns.

“Fine. Thanks for making new limbs.” Wilhelm said. “Just hurry up and finish armoring them, I have scavs to hunt down, and a date to finish.”

“Or, rather, a date to resume.” Trixie strode in as if she owned the place.

“You think this isn’t part of it?” Wilhelm questioned. “I consider this part of everything.”

“Oh, no, this is just a rest stop, the date resumes once we head out and start killing things.” Trixie beamed at the idea, getting everyone in the clinic to grin darkly.

“I like her, don’t screw up Wil.” Jack joked as he turned to the table and quickly finished bolting some steel armor sheeting to the outer frame of the prosthetic leg. “Alright, that’ll do. It’s better than your previous limbs too. Dahl hardware isn’t something to laugh at unlike their software.”

“Good. I don’t want this one breaking on me.” Wilhelm said. “Now, let’s get this on, shall we?”

“Climb onto operating table metal-man. Nina cleaned it again so you don’t have to worry about soiling Nina’s bed with grease again.” Nina gestured to a large flat table and Wilhelm nodded to the bear in gratitude as he moved to it and laid down upon it.

The removal and replacement process was much easier this time around since Jack wasn’t having to make new ports for the limbs like he had to earlier. Though now instead of skeletal aluminum limbs, Wilhelm now had most of his left leg up to his mid-thigh replaced with Dahl-green dog cybernetics and his left forearm up to his elbow was now also Dahl-green dog cybernetics. Thank whatever gods made this universe that most bipedal species had similar bone structure.

“Finally. Some actual limbs.” Wilhelm said. “Can I still do the whole punch thing?”

“Yeah, you can also do a claw attack now too though, those retracting blades in the fingers aren’t for show.” Jack mentioned, and Wilhelm held up his new green hand and on reflex, inch-long thick hook-like blades protruded from the tips of his new fingers.

“Sweet.” Wilhelm said.

“Now let us be off to get our steak seasoning!” Trixie declared, eagerly walking out of the clinic and Wilhelm took a few experimental steps on the new leg to soon start walking normally himself after her, though with noticeably less clanking due to the padding on the paw of his new foot.

“So when will potential brother be here?” Nina asked as she once again began disinfecting her operating table, and Jack sighed as he checked the time on his Echo.

“Soon, but maybe not so soon I can’t get a shower in. I smell like the dumpsters I dove through.” Jack commented as he stood up, shoveling the leftover scrap and his tools into his Echo storage.

“Nina has spare normal shower in back. Use. You do smell horrible.” Nina mentioned and pointed to a door.

“Thanks again Nina. I hope Dahl gives up on you.” Jack well-wished, and the former Dahl physician sighed wistfully as he left the room.

“Nina hopes so too.”

Jack had found the shower easily enough, and thankfully it was big enough for a bear like Nina, so it was plenty of room for him. Jack started stripping out of his clothes, tossing them into his Echo where thankfully, smell doesn’t linger. It’s why nobody has laundry machines anymore except on backwards planets like Pandora that are flooded with things from the pre-Echo era.

When he stripped completely naked and stood in front of the mirror, Jack wasn’t sure how he felt. His flanks were blank. He knew damn fucking well he had his marks, so why were they gone? A sense of loss, confusion, and despair almost overwhelmed him as he leaned into the mirror, his horn pressing against the surface rather than his forehead and he sighed long and slow out his nose. “This isn’t me….”

“Whoa!” Jack froze. Someone was in here. “Oh, um...sorry!” The door slammed shut before he could see who it was. The voice was female, so he sighed.

“Great, a mare just saw my blank flanks….” Jack knew why he felt ashamed, but also couldn’t understand why. Two lifetimes of knowledge warred with each other and he shivered before climbing into the shower to get clean.

[15 Minutes Later]

With a damp mane and the feeling of rejuvenation a shower gives, Jack exited the bathroom to pause at the sight. Over Echo was one thing, in the flesh was another. “Hey~ kiddo! You must be my little brother, because damn, I remember looking exactly like you at your age.” John, who looked like a slightly older version of Jack was sitting in a patient chair, clearly having been having a conversation a Nina as she took some blood samples.

John even had similar taste in clothes. While Jack wore a black leather ‘biker’ jacket and faded jeans, John wore a high-collar brown leather jacket and well-to-do yellow slacks that matched his ‘bright-idea’ yellow fur with what seemed to be very expensive horseshoes adding a bit to his height. Only rich ponies got horseshoes. “Holy crap….” Jack gaped, it was like looking in a mirror. Same yellow coat, same chocolate-brown mane, same green eyes, it was surreal.

“Hey dad, got some-oh.” A white-coated unicorn mare sporting several deep blue tribal tattooes even over her fur entered. She wore a smart black business suit which did nothing to hide her impressive hourglass figure, but any attraction was thrown aside what with her very familiar chocolate brown mane and green eyes. But at the sight of him she blushed and became a bit awkward. “Oh, h-hey. You might be my uncle. I’m Angel.”

“She’s the darling pumpkin who accidentally walked in on ya.” John teased, getting Angel to look away in embarrassment and Jack actually cracked a smile.

“Hey Angel, things happen. It’s all good.” Jack brushed aside. If they’re family, he can just tease the hell out of her for this. “Okay, so I gave blood earlier, now we just Nina to-.”

“Is brother.” Nina stated offhandedly, as if the news wasn’t all that important as she read her handheld device she put both vials of sample blood into. “Same parents, etc, nothing unexpected at this point. Nina congratulates you.” She then put a bandage over where she took blood from John’s arm, the stallion seeming stuck in a state of awe and elation. “There, Nina did good. Now you all leave, celebrate.” The bear helped John out of the chair and more-or-less pushed them all out of her clinic. Guess she was eager for them to bond or she finally reached the limits of her matronly patience.

“W-well...um. Hey Jack, uh, Uncle Jack. I’m Angel Thymine, your niece. S-sorry for walking in on you, Nina was sure you’d likely already be behind the curtain and I had to go….” Angel admitted nervously.

“Like I said, it’s alright.” Jack reassured his newfound niece, and turned to his equally newfound brother, who was staring off into space. “Um...big bro?” At Jack saying that, John suddenly screamed in joy and grabbed Jack for a crushing hug.

“A BROTHER! I HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER! We are SO going on a trip someplace! I’ll pay someone else to cover you for Luna’s Vault Expedition, we are totally, absolutely, going to-!”

John’s elation was interrupted by an Echo call, Zarpedon’s voice and face becoming known and seen by all on Elpis. “People of Elpis. I am sorry. It is the only way.” Shortly, Helios began shining brightly, purple light building upon several points around its central construction, and soon converged together into a giant laser beam that struck the moon, shaking it so hard that everyone fell over.

“WHAT?! SHE THREATENS OUR MOON!” Luna’s enraged voice rang out from Nina’s clinic, where she’d been sleeping off whatever Iwajira’s draining of her did to her. “BITCH! WE SHALL NOT LAY HERE AND-!”

“NINA SAY SLEEP!” A loud crash was heard inside, followed by silence. “Worry not, angry goddess is sleeping now, like big mana-drained baby.” Nina called out for anyone nearby to know she had the situation handled.

“...Sorry little bro, plans change. We have a moon to save.”

Author's Note

This one was mostly original stuff we decided to work in, and help remove doubts that Jack and Wil aren't just the genuine articles, but also different people entirely.

Next chapter the crew gets together again for a big-time briefing from John, and then split up again to try and get some serious multitasking done.

What is This? Luna's Eleven?

[Moxxi’s Up-and-Over Bar]

“Mox, I don’t get why you can’t change the music to something more suitable.” John complained from his seat at the large round poker table that most everyone had sat at in order to get things together, even a couple of veteran Vault Hunters who were already at the bar decided to join in when they heard the group was out to stop Zarpedon.

“Look sugar, Boomer and Rang have full creative license in here, I just let them stuff my dance floor and pay them a fair dollar. They say trying to change the mood in light of that big laser would be a seriously bad idea, and I agree, just deal with it.” Moxxi, the extremely buxom and shapely matron of Concordia’s best bar and dance club: the Up-and-Over, informed. She was surprisingly thin and short for an earth pony, seemed to barely have any muscle to her at all aside from what kept her appealing under her trashy outfit and her ruddy red fur, and barely breaking five feet at that, just pointing out all her voluptuous assets even more on her small frame.

“Okay fine, just get your filthy hand off my dad’s shoulder.” Angel growled at the smaller mare, who cheekily backed away with a sultry grin on her white-dyed face which just drew as much attention away from her bosom as possible, a business tactic maybe?

“Hey~ that fling I had with your dad had no hard feelings okay sugar? I just didn’t want to drag him and you into the mess that’s my crazy life.” Moxxi purred as she turned, quite blatantly smacking John’s face with her curled chocolate brown tail, getting him to roll his eyes at the age-old ‘come hither’ tactic.

“You tapped that bro? How’d she get away?” Jack commented with his hooves up on the table, leaning back in the chair with a cold wine cooler in his hand, the sheer difference between the crass younger brother and the upright and proper older one just made the scene surreal for everyone else.

“She broke up with me, said I was too ‘normal’ for her. Pfft, I knew she just didn’t want to get me hurt or something. Also Angel hates her, so I couldn’t really make the relationship work.” John informed as he took a swig of his martini.

Just then, Trixie came in, walking backwards and dragging a limp Wilhelm. “ARMS! LIKE! NOODLES!” Wilhelm screamed, desperately trying to move his limp and heavy body as Trixie grunted and tugged him along the floor to the large poker table.

“Before anyone asks, the idiot tried to break out of one of the doors the Meriff locked down in response to the threat. Shame she wised up and added an EMP field when Scavs tried to use hacked Claptraps to get into the city.” Trixie sighed as she plopped her plot into a free chair, pulling her long tail out the gap in the back. “And your robot’s stuck out there, he can’t get in with that door set to fry him.”

“But I can hear you over Echo!” Fragtrap called over Echo. “I can’t be there, but I’m with you in spirit!”

“Oh gods no, not a Claptrap….” The second griffon at the table, a former Atlas soldier by name of Roland, groaned into a talon. He was much larger than Athena, her body more suited to her speedy combat style, but he was a veritable tank despite his average height of 6 feet, built like an APC with his broad chest, wide shoulders, and strong body all contained in a piecemeal set of combat armor and fatigues, clearly taken and repainted/dyed from the standard Crimson Lance red to dull greens and browns, which would make mistaking him for a Dahl soldier easier were he not a griffon.

“Hey I know they can be annoying Roland, but remember when that Robot Revolution rose up out of nowhere? If we have one of those things on our side, I think we have a better chance.” The, shockingly, OTHER siren at the table, was named Lilith. She wore a small top and tight jeans in complete contrast to Angel’s business suit, and her deep red fur with fiery orange mane also added contrast were it not for her similar tribal blue tattoos running over her body as well, and her horn was similarly long and sharp as Angel and Luna’s, a sign of incredible magic potency.

“Hey! Guys! Remember me?! From Fyrestone!” Fragtrap called out, and then both Roland and Lilith facepalmed.

“You were saying?” Roland asked his marefriend in annoyance, and said marefriend shrugged sheepishly. “Anyway, what’s the plan? We were just going to chill out here, but when the moon’s threatening to be blown up, you don’t exactly rest on your laurels.” The griffon asked, looking around the table, and only pausing slightly at the sight of Athena, who would not stop staring at Roland, Springs who sat next to her was actively glaring for some reason.

John stood up to get everyone’s attention. “Okay, first of all, I’ll be organizing this in place of Luna, since she’s still out of it from mana exhaustion. There’s 12 of us here-.”

“D-don’t include me! I’m not a rip-roaring badarse like the lot of you! I can only help with info, supplies and whatnot.” Springs interjected, ceasing her glare at Roland with a worried wave of her hands. “I still need to properly finish setting up shop at that, and even then I might still need some resources before I can really be of any help.”

“Understandable, you’ll get those resources since we’ll have a team delegated to it. Here’s how it’s going to go down.

“I and my daughter Angel are going to remain in Concordia. We’re going to get to the bottom of the situation with the Meriff, she’s called out for an evacuation with a bit too much speed to be normal. Angel can also act as your coordinator.”

“I can oversee everything and help you out remotely faster than most AI could possibly hope to.” Angel informed seriously.

“We’ll be Team Business. Jack, Wilhelm, you two will head out to Crisis Scar to find the source of the jamming signal, and shut it down. You’re Team Badass.” John informed with a grin.

“Sweet, I call the Bad part of the name, Jack’s the Ass.” Wilhelm commented from his place on the floor.

“Bite me.” Jack joked as he downed his cooler.

“Aurelia, Nisha, you’ve both proven yourselves in being good at wiping out opposition, I need you two to focus on heading out and suppressing the local scavs, help keep them out of our way. You’re Team Bitch.” John informed, getting feral grins out of the deadly femmes.

“You know us well. Do I get to watch you eat some guy’s liver again Aura?” Nisha poked at the shapely dragoness who shrugged with a mirthful grin.

“Now for the biggest team, since they’ll have the most busy-work heaped on them, Team Supply. Trixie, Athena, and Fragtrap, you’re going to do whatever Springs needs you to in order to help out our supplies and available resources.” John informed, and Trixie beamed.

“Does that include acquiring Spice for the food? That is exactly what Wilhelm and Trixie were just about to do when the lockdown happened.” Trixie stated, and Moxxi’s ears perked from over at the bar.

“Hey sugar, did I hear you right? Bring me some Shuggurath glands and I can whip up some Spice real quick. The more the better.” Moxxi stated, queuing a new quest to pop up in all their UIs which was building from John’s directives already.

“That sounds great! With some go-getters I can maybe get my Grinder running again, but I’d prefer Jack’s help with that, considering he’s an engineer and all.” Springs commented, causing Jack’s UI in specific to light up and he nodded in agreement.

“A Grinder? Hell yeah! Jack, prioritize that as soon as you take care of the jamming signal. And lastly, for the veteran Vault Hunters. You two are Team Lovebirds. I need your help scouting out a potential resource to make a robot army to counter the Legion. Tassiter’s given me his support, but our current software doesn’t facilitate combat. As further proof, Fragtrap was a personal project of mine and that was a headache and a half.” John informed, and the two nodded.

“Got it, find a factory maybe. Dahl was known for streamlining the process for their combat suits, maybe if we can find someplace like that?” Roland asked Angel, the three of them; being Angel, Lil and him, having had a very sudden talk about how they didn’t hold her manipulation of them in opening their first Vault against her, especially since they benefitted from it anyway. That said, they still knew she was the best information source available, and she quickly pulled up her Echo screen, humming.

“There is such a place, it’s out past the flats though, near the methane sea. You’ll have a hard time getting there with the train down, but I could see about fixing that.” Angel informed and everyone got up, Jack kicking a spot on Wilhelm’s chest which made him jerk, and he bolted to his paw/hoof just fine.

“WHY DID THAT HURT?!” Wilhelm yelled.

“I put in that short-out override remember? Sends a jolt through your whole body to jump-start any halted systems?” Jack reminded before turning to John. “Okay, bro, you figure out that bureaucrat bitch’s game and we’ll send the bullets flying.” Jack moved a bit closer, seeming hesitant before John huffed and hugged his brother, who hugged back.

“Get used to it bro, because I’m going to hug you whenever I can.” John teased, making Jack sheepishly smile.

“Wow, sibling embarrassment. Always wondered what it was like.” Jack joked as the group all moved to leave, Team Business heading for the front door, while the others followed Moxxi to the slot machines.

“Now don’t tell anyone how to get through here. Keep it to yourselves or direct people to me first, or you’ll wake up in a shallow grave.” Moxxi stipulated as she pushed up, rather than down on a one-armed-bandit machine, and it hit straight 7s before popping out the reward tray to reveal a remote Echo switch, and shen pressed, the curtains to the area closed before the back wall opened up into a workshop of sorts with a Hyperion Loader dissected on the worktable. “This is my personal shop, don’t touch anything, just pass on through.” Moxxi directed, a bit of a hick accent tinging her tone with a deathly glare accompanying it, and the group of 8 all hustled through, especially Roland and Lilith, who knew how dangerous she could be.

[Triton Flats]

Upon stepping out of Concordia’s atmo, the group was given a view of the lowlands off the cliff the exit let out onto. It was a new sight, especially considering Concordia as a whole more-or-less ‘faced’ the other way, spaceport and all. Only for it to be ruined by the sight of Helios firing another laser blast straight into Elpis off in the distance, sending a shockwave out that thankfully the cliff weakened before it hit them up top, and they could see the laser actually fracturing the outer crust of the moon.

“That’s bad...really bad. That thing just broke the first five meters of the moon in two blasts, enough to trigger a quake of that magnitude? I’d say she only needs to get off about...fifty or so more shots to cause Elpis to break apart.” Jack theorized hurriedly.

“Your estimate is rather accurate Uncle Jack, but with my exact knowledge of the Eye of Helios’s power, and the data taken from both test shots and projected data, I’d say Zarpedon would need about 77 more direct shots in the same place with consistency to break Elpis. And with the massive firing latency of the Eye, that’d take about...two days.” Angel informed, and everyone quickly ran around the outside of this part of Concordia, to find Fragtrap waiting by the Zoomie pads.

“Which means not a lot of time! Everyone grab a Zoomie!” Fragtrap shouted since he heard everything over Echo, and moved to the console before digistructing green and purple Rocket Zoomies, since the laser cannons on the normal ones were practically useless in comparison. Thank you Torgue. “Get in! My group has the least time-sensitive priority, so you guys go first.” Fragtrap motioned to the buggies and Jack and Wilhelm claimed the green one, while Aurelia and Nisha grabbed the purple one, and they took off out onto the Triton Flats with speed, going separate ways as their UI’s dictated their destinations as different.

“So Jack...you have a big brother now.” Wilhelm commented from his place on the turret. “Thats, uh, that’s certainly… a thing. How’s it feel?”

“Really weird! I’ve been an orphan my whole life, and suddenly I have family? It kinda throws off my plans to get out of debt, get rich, and laze about the rest of my life. Cause bro’s already rich. What does that mean? I don’t want a free ride, I wanted to earn it...but I don’t want to turn away help either….” Jack mused as he expertly maneuvered the buggie over a ridge and began dodging Energized Shuggurath lasers as Wilhelm took them down with the buggy turret’s target-seeking pod rockets.

“... I meant for actual you. Ryan you, not Jack.” Wilhelm said. “You know about my family. Never got along with them, really. Hell, seems like Wilhelm’s memory says the same about him. Resentment. Heh, always wanted to be a robot. Always.”

“Well I...I don’t know, okay?! You know my family too, I had a huge family, extended even, and I knew almost everyone. 7 aunts and uncles on ONE side of the family, three on the other, both have deep family histories going back to Italy and Scotland respectively, and I don’t even remember how many cousins, nieces, and nephews I had by the time I was 15. Jack was always alone, and...and I felt so devastated when I realized that in the shower earlier. He always had his eyes on a goal, not me. I had nothing I had want for. I was happy! Jack, he...he had nothing...now here I am, in his place, taking what’s his! What part of this is in any way right James?!” Jack cried as he slowed the Zoomie down outside a gate, crying into his arms as he leaned against the steering wheel. “What right do I have? Taking this from him? Where is Jack? I can’t bear the thought that I’m stealing his life from him….”

“Listen, buddy. We’ll get through this, okay? I’m feeling the same way about Wilhelm right now, just less about how I was in the past. Seems like Wilhelm had it better than me.” Wilhelm said. “Though, I’m not letting it get the better of me. I told you about how I was raised, how it was essentially beaten into me to not cry, not to let my emotions get the better of me, even if anger always makes it out. Just, buck up, buddy. I’m in the same boat as you.”

“Did you check your flanks?” Jack’s sudden wet-voiced question caught Wilhelm by surprise. “Did you check your flanks James?”

“Um, no… Dude, I’m not gonna check out my own ass.”

“Just fucking do it!” Jack roared, standing up and dropping his jeans. Thankfully he had boxers on but Wilhelm gawked at the blank yellow thighs he saw. “Do you get it?! What this means?!”

“Um… Kind of?” Wilhelm said. “I don’t know why, but I know something’s missing. Wilhelm’s memory tells me he met Jack, and Jack had a picture on his ass… I just can’t remember what. Something tells me I had one too, something about being a late bloomer…”

Jack growled as he pulled his jeans back up. “So you don’t remember either! I know something was there, my Cutie Mark. It’s a symbol representing-!”

“Yeah, yeah. Permanent magical tattoo on our ass depicting ‘our destiny’ which is bullshit.” Wilhelm interrupted. “I remember what it is, just not what mine is or how I got it. And another thing, I’m good at a TON of things, why does this one image depict what I’m ‘the best’ at when I’m plenty good at everything?! Hell, I’m betting it was for killing, something everyone knows I’m good at. Why would that be my ‘destiny’ and not cooking? You’ve had my food! And let’s not forget my robots!”

“Dude, your mark was really weird, I can’t remember what it was either, but I know it was something to do with cooking and robots.” Jack commented, scratching his mane as he got out of the driver’s seat, and Wilhelm jumped out of the turret seat.

“... Well then.” Wilhelm said, now rendered speechless. “Maybe we have to find ourselves again? I mean, ‘us’ us. What were we good at as humans?” Wilhelm asked as they approached the atmo of the gate.

“Wil, I have no clue. All I had a talent for as a human was reading comprehension, writing, storytelling, comedy, and playing videogames. I was never truly ‘inspired’ by any of it, it all just comes to me. The only one thing I ever wished to be was an actor, at least a voice actor, but I never got into a university so any chances of me even being mildly successful was nil.” Jack groused as they entered the atmo and groaned at the sight that greeted them.

“Halt! Nobody is allowed past this-!” Wilhelm shot the ramshackle and horribly modded Claptrap unit that was supposedly guarding the gate, when both of them could tell there weren’t any controls on this side at a glance.

“Ya know, it’s these things that make me hate the Claptrap units as a whole. To think, Fragtrap has as much potential as he does, then these things come our way. Just pisses me off.”

“I hope bro has a really good reason for the Claptrap line being such shit.” Jack rubbed his face. “Even a VI would recognize this side of the gate is inaccessible. How can any AI be such shit?”

“Because I didn’t make them.” John called over Echo, reminding the two that they could be being watched by John and Angel at any time, and they hoped their moment back there wasn’t seen. “No, Lawerence De Quidt, one of the cornerstones of Hyperion’s early days, founded the Artificial Intelligence branch of the company, and the CL4P-TP line was one of his first creations, so you can blame him, but don’t be too harsh, guy tried until the day he died to fix the issues, but yeah. Anyway, if you can’t get in that way...Angel?”

“Hold on dad, diffusing a standoff between Athena and Trixie.”

“Oh shit, that’s right, Athena hates Trixie because she’s a traitor or something and they were partnered up….” Wilhelm remembered with genuine concern. Both of them were hot, and he liked them for varied reasons.

“Don’t worry, I uh...resolved the issue. Just...wow...uh...I’m going to have that recorded for later….” Angel commented with a vivid blush over her face. “A-anyway, yes, that way is only available as an exit right now since it’s locked on the other side. The console does access the real gate guard’s communications though, maybe you can find a way in that way through a bit of guile.”

“Um… If I ask them first, can I get a copy of that?” Wilhelm asked in an uncharacteristically timid fashion.

“Maybe...wow….” Angel comment again as she was clearly multitasking in her window, and her horn sparked.

“Angel? What did I say about watching porn as you work?” John said in a gentle chastising tone.

“To not to? But dad just...LOOK!” Angle and John’s call cards showed them both sharing a card now, and John gaped as his horn sparked.

“Uh...can you...keep a copy for me sweetie?” John asked nervously.

“That’s my girl, John! Hands off!” Wilhelm shouted angrily, and Jack looked at his friend in confusion.

“But you didn’t even go on a real date yet! The laser interrupted it. Whatever, I know you get attached quickly. I’m up.” Jack cracked his knuckles as Wilhelm grumbled while John and Angel hung up, and Jack pressed a few buttons on the console. “Hey, guard guy? Your robot’s kinda...dead.”

A random scav’s helmet popped up on the Echo. “Really? Yes! RedBelly liked him for some reason so we couldn’t just offline him without getting in trouble. Who is this?”

“Some guys wanting to join your crew.” Wilhelm commented, knowing his gruff persona would add a bit of weight. This isn’t the first time they did something like this. It was, like, maybe the twelfth?

“Oh? Well I’d let you on in, but RedBelly has a requirement. You have to kill three of a rival crew’s best fighters and bring proof, it’s fine if they got Medivac access, just knowing you put them down is enough. Let’s see...how about the Darksiders?” The scav seemed to ask someone else.

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.” Another scav could be heard a little away from the receiver. “They’re disputing winning that tork-dog contest, fuck-em.”

“Okay, the Darksiders then. Their toughest scavs carry around some fancy light-bending prisms or something, bring us three and I’ll tell you how to get into Crisis Scar. They’ve made The Grabba their home, go kill some goons and come back when you’re done.” The scav hung up, and the two groaned. They hated making detours.

“Lets just go.” Jack sighed as he and Wilhelm got into their Zoomie and easily made it back through the small canyon since Wilhelm killed most of the Shuggurath that had popped out of their holes on the way to the locked gate, and crossed a bridge that had a huge prism on it, which cast multi-colored light on the bridge as they passed under it. Their Echo read that the huge stationary crane platform to the right was ‘The Grabba’, and so they drove right on into its garage and got their guns ready.

“Let’s kill some bitches. Take our minds off our own problems for a bit.” Wilhelm stated before they activated the Grabba’s Fast Travel, and started walking into the main structure, gunfire started almost immediately.

Author's Note

Canonically, the next chapter is our crossover with Thunderclap's The Reluctant Gunman specifically two chapters, starting with Ponylands: The Pre-Crossover Pt.1

So yes, officially Displaced, but still beyond confused :pinkiecrazy:

The Fuck's a Jumbuck?

[Triton Flats]

Jack and Wilhelm both stepped out of a portal of darkness and found themselves back atop the Grabba. That little misadventure with Vash was interesting, especially considering it brought up some very important issues to them, like how they ended up here in the first place.

“So we’re Displaced hm?” Jack mused as he held up Vash’s bullet token, which Jack was carefully marking in his Echo as a special item rather than a normal bullet.

“Guess so, considering we kinda fit the bill. Went to a con, wound up in another universe as who we were dressed as. Sort of anyhow.” Wilhelm commented as he strode over the empty roof of the Grabba and scooped up a couple of stupid light-bending prisms. “Okay, got the-.”

“WHERE WERE YOU?!” John screamed over the Echo, causing both Jack and Wilhelm to wince. “You completely vanished off the face of Elpis! What the hell happened?!”

“Geez, lower it bro! We were sucked through an interdimensional gateway by someone from another universe we accidentally summoned-”

“That Jack accidentally summoned.” Wilhelm insisted, getting shot by Jack and chuckling as his shield just took it.

“Fuck you, and since he was about to die in the vacuum, he reverse-summoned back to his world, but since we were so close, he dragged us with him.” Jack explained as he led the leap off the roof and down to the garage.

“Oh. Great. Now we have to deal with class-10 wormholes potentially snatching you two up? Damn it, Angel-.”

“Frequently dad. Potentially frequently. The signatures I’m reading from Jack and Wilhelm are beyond anomalous.” Angel informed. “For reference uncle Jack, that means you and Wilhelm are a draw for the fabric of space-time.”

“Which would explain why Vash could even accidentally take us with him.” Wilhelm mused, getting an affirmative hum from Angel.

“Pretty much, if you were anyone without any lingering magical transit residue on your essence, then the despawn wouldn’t have taken you with him.” Angel said factually, and Jack was rubbing his temples as they walked into the atmo of the garage and Wilhelm set about getting their preferred green zoomie ready.

“Ugh...I’m an Arcanotech Engineer, not a Space-Time Analyst. I didn’t have the patience for that course.” Jack groaned as the zoomie spawned and he climbed into the driver's seat while Wilhelm got into the turret.

“Don’t worry Jack, Angel has so many doctorates I’m surprised she isn’t the head of a university.” John said proudly, getting a whiny ‘dad~’ from Angel in the background. “Alright, so there’s nothing that can really be down about your dimensional instability, we’ll have to live with it. Otherwise you two have only been gone for about half an hour.”

“Really? I figured we were over there for about an hour or so.” Wilhelm commented as Jack drove them out onto the flats and towards the gate.

“Try not to think of time differences between universes, it’s beyond pointless.” Angel commented, and the two decided to silently agree on the matter.

It didn’t take long to return to the gate where they murdered the claptrap, and Jack hailed the scavs on the console again. “Oi, who is it? That you two we sent to kill some Darksiders?”

“Yep, got the prisms.” Wilhelm said as he took the three triangular blocks of glass and put them under a digiscanner, and it quickly transferred them to the other end of the connection.

“Ah, right, that’s them. Got a bit o’ blood on em too, good on ya! We’d let ya through this way, but the damn thing’s jammed on this side too. But we will give ya an alternate entrance. Just say the password, its ‘arrr’ like a good old fashioned space pirate, got it? ‘Arrr’!”

“Yeah, yeah, got it.” Jack said before hanging up and their Echos both lit up with a new waypoint that was just around the bend. It was a thankfully smooth ride, it seemed Nisha and Aurelia had been busy with the scavs in the area, considering there were zoomie wrecks and blood and guts everywhere, the only bump was some rathyds that swarmed the buggy as they pulled up to the gate provided by the waypoint.

“Damn flying rats. They’re almost as bad as the rakks down on Pandora.” Wilhelm grumbled as the rocket pods he launched from the turret rapidly sought out and utterly erased the nuisances from existence.

“They’re pretty much the same really, just different biomes. The shuggurath are their hives like the unnamed rakk hives are for the rakk.” Jack commented as he got out of the zoomie since it was clear now, and he approached the gate and activated the Echo Comm. “Arrr!”

“Whut? Sounds like someone just said the password, guess I’ll just let ya in without bothering to double-check.” A scav gave in reply, and shortly the gate opened up, giving access to a pit of lava that thankfully had a jump pad to cross with.

At least for most people they’d be thankful. “Nope! NOPE! So much nope! Not this shit again!” Jack turned around to leave, only to get shoved backwards through the low-grav environment and onto the pad that proceeded to launch Jack across the chasm. “FUCK YOU WILHELM~!”

“Totally worth whatever bullshit he puts me through later.” Wil chuckled as he jumped onto the pad and was thusly launched at the same speed and distance as Jack was, who was of course, crying in a panicking heap at the destination point, which Wil barely managed to avoid landing on him with a little extra boost provided by his Oz kit.

“You seein’ this Red?” A sudden voice over the Echo got their attention though, preventing the usual scenario.

“Sure am Belly!” A higher-pitched voice replied.

“Those ain’t scavs that’s for sure!” At Belly’s words, all the nearby scavs started firing at Jack and Wil, who quickly moved to the nearest cover.

“Means we’ve got a tea party to host!” Red said out of nowhere.

“No! What? No! That means we’ve gotta kill ‘em!” The scavs seemed to redouble their efforts at Belly reinforcing his point, and Jack almost didn’t have time to peek his head from behind cover as he sniped one of the aggressors.

“Oh, right. What you said. Get ‘em lads!” Red finished, and really, that back-and-forth was unnecessary, since their underlings had obviously taken initiative.

“What the hell?! We did as that scav asked, why are they shooting at us?!” Jack complained as he managed to snipe another enemy with his combat rifle. It had no scope, but the targets were closing in and for a Jakobs, range meant nothing.

“Sometimes there’s just no communication between scum Jack. Figured that debacle on Presidium would’ve told you that.” Wilhelm groused as he used the Glitch Snipe he got from Jack to help take out the ridiculous number of scavs practically pouring out from the buildings up on the cliff. “Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m running low on air.”

“Same, we’ll have to dash for that small shack there for the atmo.” Jack agreed, before bolting from cover with Wilhelm, both letting their shields take damage as they dove into the atmosphere of the small building seconds before their Oz kits could fail on them. “I have got to get us better Oz kits.”

“Agreed. If I was a robot I wouldn’t even need air.” Wilhelm complained as he and Jack leaned out of the open wall of the building and continued firing at their encroaching opponents. “Aw shit! That one’s got a rocket strapped to his back!”

“Fucking suiciders! I hate New-U sometimes!” Jack screamed as he focused fire on the incoming suicide-bomber, who despite taking constant bullets and his shields falling fast, the psychotic roo merely laughed maniacally as he got closer.

“Nukem!” Wilhelm shouted as he whipped out the legendary rocket launcher, and fired it at the feet of the incoming death, that exploded vibrantly along with the nuke-like special rocket the orange launcher had fired. “We’ve got to break this defense or they’ll just keep us pinned here!”

“Was that a volunteer I heard?” Jack asked as he threw a longbow grenade down the bridge spanning the spires coming out of the lava far below, blasting several scavs off of it and screaming into the fiery death awaiting them in the chasm.

“You jackass. Don’t you dare.” Wilhelm growled as he also threw a grenade, this one being a transfusion that thankfully distracted the scavs for a moment.

“Protocol T-575-Wall!”

“You...ass!” Wilhelm growled as his augments began glowing blue and his shield overcharged. “This freaking hurts damn it!” Wilhelm shouted as he charged out of the atmo and into the raging silent vacuum, his shield taking all the damage as he used his shotgun to mow down anyone that got close enough, clearing the bridge and Jack followed, where they both took a jump pad up to the cliff.

“Don’t worry Wil, I’ll give you some augments later!” Jack said as he mowed down a group of scavs with his Vladof TMP pistol, taking some pressure off of Wilhelm.

“You’d fucking better! Asshole, taking admin privileges over my systems!” Wilhelm shouted as he promptly charged into a group of scavs that refused to move, and he bowled them over like they were a bunch of yard ball pins. “Time to finish this!” Wilhelm roared as a couple of huge roos, about the size of Deadlift, jumped down from atop the last building in their way to Crisis Scar, and they aimed huge shotguns at him.

One of them shot at him, his overcharged shields absorbing the shot, allowing Wilhelm a second of thought before he jumped at the roo and smashed his helmet open with his organic fist before taking out his shotgun and shooting the roo in the face, killing it. The other roo took aim at Wilhelm and fired, only for him to use the downed badass as a meatshield before chucking it at the roo. The attack was easily dodged by the badass, but not Wilhelm’s following uppercut with his mechanical arm, nor the shotgun to the family jewels that the roo’s thick spacesuit couldn’t pad enough.

Wilhelm then extended his arm out to grab the roo’s head and slam it into the ground, dazing the roo long enough for Wil to crush it’s helmet and head underneath his robotic boot. Wilhelm then let out an almost primal scream of rage, causing the current fight to cease momentarily since they could all hear it, even through the muffle of the nearly-airless vacuum of Elpis.

“ALL OF YOU FUCKERS ARE GOING TO DIE!” Wilhelm yelled as his shogun glowed yellow.

“He got Kicks and Skids! Run!” One of the scavs screamed in panic, and the crooks all promptly began leaping away, their kangaroo leg-strength letting them leap straight out of the chasm and escape, while the bodies of those with Medivac access digitized and vanished, including the two badasses, Kicks and Skids apparently, that Wilhelm had just slaughtered.

“Dude...I haven’t seen you lose it like that since our recent jobs down on Pandora.” Jack chuckled as he remotely deactivated Wilhelm’s tiring and painful Termination Protocol.

“Fuck. You.” Wilhelm said, venom practically dripping from his mouth. “I swear, the second I get a chance to shut you out, I’m doing it.”

“The only reason you didn’t kill me outright was because of the admin takeover I did. I just can’t believe we’re friends after that. Or that I can’t rescind my admin access.” Jack grumbled, annoyed that for some reason he couldn’t fix it. “It’s cyclical bullshit, I’m a hardware guy, software’s still iffy for me.”

“Meh, same. Making Wolf and Saint was mostly luck and a bit of magic.” Wilhelm reminded as he groaned and Jack helped him up the steps and into the building connecting the chasm behind them and Crisis Scar, where the old Dahl Relay sat. “Let’s not do that again, alright? Especially not soon, I’d probably die from the stress.”

“Duly noted. Do you need a break Wil?” Jack asked, only for them to feel the shuddering impact of Helios’ laser again. “We...have a day or two….”

“No time! Angel?” John suddenly injected via Echo.

“Sending care package.” Angel intoned, and the nearby New-U modified Medivac sparked before digistructing something not usually within it’s parameters, and a small crate was the result. “It’s got some first aid and energy stimulants that would make a hibernating skag jump ten feet and instantly maul the first thing it sees.”

“Ah...so caffeine injections? Sweet, could use some of those.” Wilhelm said as he and Jack opened up the small crate, revealing a few hypo needles of clear liquid caffeine, and a few cans of something that made Jack and Wil’s eyes sparkle.

“And at my dad’s insistence, some taurine-heavy energy drinks.” Angel said with an air of annoyance.

“Bro, you care so much.” Jack grinned as he took a can of BLAMMO energy drink, a Torgue Brand that was both energizing, and if shaken and thrown, a bomb at the same time. Shit was awesome! And it tasted like cherries and lime. But was extremely rare due to how dangerous it was and was illegal in most civilized systems, but Torgue refused to remove the explosive properties since they worked so hard to make a safe-to-ingest liquid explosive that would denature on contact with organic matter. Honestly, it was the fault of a little brat who decided to shake and throw one at his neighbor.

“Never say I don’t okay kiddo? You two revitalize and get that relay down, the sooner we can get contact with Pandora and beyond the better.” John then hung up and the two mercs shook themselves and ran out the other end of the building even as a Fast Travel woke up as they passed.

[Crisis Scar]

The instant they got outside, they jumped over a pool of methane and ignored the cryo kraggons that gave chase, but the rock monsters gave up as they rounded the bend and came within sight of the massive relay dish. “Whoa...that’s like...the second biggest communications relay we’ve had to shut down.” Jack commented.

Before Wilhelm could say anything, a new voice called out to them over short-range Echo. “Oi! OI~! O’er ‘ere~!” Wilhelm about had an aneurism at the mere sound of his voice, and the two friends turned to the left to see a tall man wearing a drinking hat and fully kitted in a scav’s spacesuit otherwise, waving to them enthusiastically. “C’mon then! I need help wit sumthin’!”

“Aw fuck no. Please let’s ignore him. For once, dear god, please let’s ignore him.” Wilhelm begged. “You know how I am about unreasonable drunks, and you know what I’m going to do the second he starts acting like a dick.”

“Ah’ll pay ya! Ah’m too damn worried ‘bout mah friend an’ too sloshed to go lookin’ fer ‘im meself!” The scav called further, and Jack was twisted up about what to do.

“Jack. You know what’s going to happen.” Wilhelm warned. “I can already get a read on this scav, and I REALLY don’t like them.”

“Ah’ll throw in sum Moonstones!” The scav called out again, and Jack groaned as he started walking towards the scav and his little house nestled on a cliff overlooking the lava-bottomed gorge between it and the relay, Wilhelm growling as he reluctantly followed, then turned around.

“No. Not on your life, Jack. I refuse to enable a drunk.” WIlhelm stated angrily. “You waste your time, but finish up before I get the door open, otherwise I’m coming over here and doing it.”

“Fine, fuck, geez. I’m sure he’s got Medivac, he has to, I doubt a drunken wastrel like Peepot would even survive on Elpis without an account.” Jack rolled his eyes and jumped towards the rather aptly named drunkard while Wilhelm jumped across the great fissure towards the relay and the gate back out to the Triton Flats.

“Oh, thank goodness. Ah need ya to find me friend. He’s a her, unless...she’s a him...a-anyway. She calls herself the Jolly Swagman, and he don’t got Medivac. Please, go find her.” Peepot implored, and Jack sighed as he jumped towards the ridge past Peepot’s home, quickly finding what he expected, Jolly’s corpse sleeping at the base of a giant cryo vine. “There she is! Reckon he’s sleeping?” Peepot asked over Echo, how people somehow get audio/video through his Echo, Jack had no damn clue despite his skill with tech.

“Oh no, definitely dead.” Jack commented sarcastically.

“Oh...shame that...mind if ya search her body? Find out what led to this sorry story?” Peepot insisted, and Jack kicked the body over, revealing an Echo recorder, and promptly picked it up.

“I’ve been all walk-about, as far as Vorago Solitude. There I did see it, a Jumbuck! So I did chase ‘im, and throttled ‘im, and stowed ‘im away in me tucker-bag! And it was there, that I saw a great, empty Billabong gaping open, bright purple light come shootin’ out of it! But when I came back, done lost me tucker-bag in the gorge, blasted kraggons! Go there Peepot! You’ll see me words be true! I’m tired, reckon I might...just die now….”

“Heavens, he got moon-stroke the poor bugger! Nobody goes as far out as Vorago Solitude without going all nutter. Must’ve been wanderin’ about muttering nonsense til the end. Shame that. But why not investigate that there crack for his tucker-bag? Somethin’ to remember her by.” Peepot added on, and Jack sighed as he dashed to the fissure, and leaped down to the small bit of land next to the lava on the other side, quickly swiping up a tucker-bag, and running before the kraggons could finish getting out of the lava.

“I’ve got the tucker bag-.”

“Tucker-bag! It’s one word!” Peepot corrected incorrectly.

“No it-fuck it, whatever, I’m coming back.” Jack groused as he ran up the ridge, the kraggons giving up as he got further away from their lava homes. “Here, fucking take it.” Jack growled, the drunk barely scrambling to grab onto the squirming sack.

“Whoa, who’re you? And what’s in this? Why would she put somethin’ still alive in his tucker-bag?” Peepot asked as he opened the sack, and out poked the head of something that looked like a kraggon, but clearly wasn’t. “Whoa! WHOA! It’s a Jumbuck! They do exist!” The drunkard cheered as he held out a deceptively adorable rock creature from the sack, it’s long tapered tail wagging. “It probably thinks I’m it’s mum! It’s stupid, I don’t look nothin’ like it! But….” Peepot put the critter down, and it giddily scampered into his house, immediately making a mess. “But...if the Jumbuck’s real...then is there really somethin’ like all that out in Vorago Solitude? A giant empty Billabong, all gaping open with purple light shootin’ out of-?”

Right then, Peepot’s head exploded and his body fell to the ground, revealing Wilhelm, who was holding his red-glowing glitch shotgun behind the corpse.

“You fucking drunk ass bitch.” Wilhelm snarled at the corpse. “Sending my friend on a pointless quest just because you were lazy. Of all the types of drunks out there, you’re the ONE type I hate. I’m honestly wondering why this hasn’t happened before now.” Wilhelm then directed his gaze away from the corpse as it digistructed for Medivac. “Yo, John, Angel. Wanna check to see if a ‘Peepot’ has an account with New-U?”

“Well, the Medivacs on Elpis might have the New-U software update, but they’re still Dahl tech. The short answer is yes, but we can’t remove someone’s account, not without the Corporation Police coming down on us faster than the hand of god.” Angel commented. “It’s one of the greatest crimes in the galaxy.”

“Can ya set him back, at least?” Wilhelm asked. “I really don’t want to see his ass anytime soon.”

“I can do you one better, I can reroute his spawn from Crisis Scar to say, the Dust down on Pandora, or even to someplace completely remote, like the swamps of Hermes.” Angel informed. “Erasing someone from existence through New-U completely? That’s a crime. Sending them somewhere else? Not really.”

“... I’ve got one better. Aren’t there some caverns down beneath that one city on Pandora?” Wilhelm commented. “What’s it called again, Sanctuary? Yeah, that’s the place. Locals call the place the Caustic Caverns. I remember seeing a Medivac or two down there. Can ya put him down there… then lock him out?”

“We can’t lock people out either, but we can put him down there. He’d be unable to leave though, and you only have an hour before he respawns, and he won’t transmit down there with the relay still jamming signals from leaving Elpis.” Angel informed, and Wilhelm turned to Jack, who was holding the Jumbuck, and actually petting it as it’s tail wagged.

“Jack.”

“Wil, please no.”

“Jack.”

“Please, Wil. Don’t do it. I like the little guy.”

“Not what I mean.” Wilhelm said as he picked up Jack and held him above his head. “System lock out, authorization W6.”

“W-what?! No! Put us down! I rescind that lockout!” Jack squealed as Wilhelm ran towards the cliff. “Save me Jumbuck!” Jack squealed as he hugged the rock creature to his chest, the little thing grabbing his head in mutual fear as Wilhelm jumped over the highest part of the fissure and boosted to the spire halfway across, and then jumped again to the other side, where Wilhelm promptly dropped Jack and Jumbuck to the ground, both hugging and and shivering.

“Geez, guess the little fella is a good fit for you. Better connect him to your account so he doesn’t die prematurely Jack, do it at a Medivac as we fight our way in.” Wilhelm said as he started moving towards the relay.

“I fucking hate you….” Jack whimpered as he petted his new pet Jumbuck. “I’ll name you….” Jack checked between the thing’s hind legs, and nodded. “Jewel.” The newly-named Jewel, which was a good name due to her cracks glowing purple like amethyst, made a sort of woofing sound and smacked her tail happily into the ground.

“Keep her out of the line of fire, let’s go.” Wilhelm insisted, and shot the head off a scav that was casually chatting up his fellow scavs outside the relay’s walls.

Author's Note

And we're back, I'm out of my funk now that I've cried myself witless several days straight over my grandpa dying, and I need to get back to writing, all my stories seem to be stagnating, which is no good.

DJ's been immensely supportive, I don't think I would be back at it so soon without his support.

Have a Jumbuck.

The Snake with the Red Belly

[Crisis Scar]

“You really think you can just come knocking?” Belly asked over Echo once Wilhelm and Jack had easily dispatched the token force that was outside the installation’s walls.

“This is our house!” Red declared as two old Dahl turrets deployed near the top of the wall and began spamming laser fire at the mercs who took cover, Jewel having smartly taken cover when the fighting started earlier was there too.

“Okay, we have three options here, Jack.” Wilhelm said. “We can just fight through them normally, like idiots. We could jump around and avoid some idiots, like smart people…”

“What’s the third option?” Jack asked as he pat Jewel’s head, the little Jumbuck being incredibly calm considering the constant combat around her.

“Ya know that truck right there?” Wilhelm asked. “Let’s do something badass about that gate. Who knows, those idiots might actually be smart enough to keep it closed when the turrets are down. Things are different in reality.”

“So option three is to go all Rambo, and drive a truck through a reinforced military gate, dash through tons of idiots shooting at us, jump over a small building to bypass at least half of RedBelly’s crew, and then confront RedBelly with all his crew coming at us too?” Jack asked rhetorically. “I’m all for it. We don’t have the time to be careful. Jewel, I’m going to transmit you someplace safe, okay girl?”

Jewel woofed in consent, and Jack scanned her. “Jack, what is that? Why am I transmitting it to me?” Angel asked.

“She’s Jewel, my new pet Jumbuck.” Jack said simply as he pressed ‘send’ and she digistructed for transmission, and thanks to Angel having corporate clearance, Jack avoided a hefty Echo Shipping Fee.

“The Fuck’s a Jumbuck?” Angel asked. “Sorry.”

“Girl, is there something wrong with you and cursing?” Wilhelm asked.

“I don’t approve of potty-mouths outside of extreme situations.” John answered for her. “I don’t want my baby girl to be a foul-mouthed haberdasher.”

“Also I figure it best to-aw~! She’s adorable~!” Angel cooed as she obviously received Jewel on her end. “Who’s a cute rock dog? You are! Yes you are!”

“Great~...like she doesn’t have enough pets...you better wrestle her away from her when you get back little bro, she already has three birds and a whale-squid.” John complained as Jack and Wilhelm moved into the garage.

“I’m...not going to bother asking how my niece has something as huge and deadly as a whale-squid as a pet, so, yeah, later.” Jack hung up as he got into the driver’s side and easily started up the old Dahl truck while Wil jumped into the truck’s bed. “Hold on to your testicles Wilhelm, cause this is going to be rough!” Jack, not giving two shits about the vehicle itself, slammed on the gas and the ridiculously powerful engine jumped the truck straight out of the garage, smashing open the side of the slightly closed door as he gained some distance from the gate, and did a U-turn.

“Holy hell! Is he gonna?!” Belly asked in astonishment.

“I think he is Belly! Back off lads!” Red shouted, and the scavs behind the gate dove out of the way as the turrets fired on the truck, only scorching the heavy-duty metal of the military truck, and just barely evaded the thing smashing through the gate like it was made of tin foil, and Jack and Wilhelm were laughing like maniacs the whole while. “G-get them! Get those badarses!”

“Bring in them stolen jets!” Belly ordered, and soon some Dahl jet fighters were lifting into the air as Jack ramped the truck up the stairs and the low gravity launched them right for the array.

“Okay Wil! We’re gonna have to jump!” Jack climbed out of his seat, Wil climbing out of the bed. They both jumped just as the roof of the array was nearing, but the truck was going to hit the building itself and likely explode epically.

“Awesome!” Wilhelm crowed as the truck DID explode epically on the side of the building as they landed, and neither of them looked back at the explosion as they stood up and began running around the roof of the array.

“Th-they didn’t even look at that explosion!” Belly cried out in shock.

“Their badassitude is off the charts Belly! What’re we gonna do?!” Red started to panic.

“Hold them lads! We have a deal to uphold!” Belly commanded, tons of scavs popping up from around the entire roof, turrets deploying, and jet fighters coming at them en masse. “We were paid by Mustard to keep the signal jammed! We’re all that’s between that space station and them deciding to blast Concordia!”

“... Wow. Not very smart, are they?” Wilhelm said to Jack. “Rule one, never tell your enemy who hired you. I’m just amazed they can’t hear us.”

“Belly you just told them who hired us! We didn’t turn off the general Echo broadcast!” Red fretted.

“Oh no! Get em even more now lads! They can’t tell anyone if they’re stuck in a Medivac cue! By then, Mustard will have gotten through the secure channels for evacuation.” Belly added, and it seemed that these scavs were actually dedicated to more than just attacking, as they clustered around the control panels on the far side of the relay’s roof, refusing to budge as others assaulted them.

“Funny thing is, I’m hearing and seeing all of this.” Angel snorted to them over the Echo. “And as for Mustard Seed, we’ve already gotten the confession from the fat mare’s mouth. The poor mare had no choice, Zarpedon forced her under threat of attacking Concordia right away. She did the responsible thing and gave them what they wanted; access to Helios. In exchange, she was given the chance to order an evacuation, but not to alert the galaxy at large by asking for military assistance, that’s where these scavs jamming general off-planet signals comes in.”

“Well that’s all well and good Angel, but we’re being swarmed out here! There’s little no cover. I’m just glad we have good shields, but the issue is we’re kinda running out of air!” Jack admitted as he jammed another air canister into his Oz kit. At least the scav’s suits being proper spacesuits had large air reservoirs to steal from after they killed them.

“Okay, that settles it. I have a gift for you two later, just don’t die, all the scavs that’ve been dying has seriously overloaded the local New-U cues, you’d be stuck in the system for several hours if you die. Even if Angel rerouted you, it’d take a few hours for all the data to transfer.” John warned as Jack mowed down a line of charging scavs while Wilhelm fired a Nukem rocket with perfect accuracy at an approaching jet fighter, sending bits of scrap everywhere.

“Jack. Get behind me and stay close.” Wilhelm said as he put away the Nukem and activated Wolf and Saint. “I’m going rugby style on you fuckers!”

“I thought you were kidding about your high-school rugby team!” Jack balked as Wilhelm got into a sprinting position while he juked and threw a longbow grenade at the scavs, only for a couple of big roos to take the blast and weather it with their shields.

“I was. Still know how it works. Still did a little bit with friends.” Wilhelm said. “SAINT HEAL ME! WOLF, COVER OUR TAIL!”

“On it, Alpha!” Saint and Wolf said in tandem.

“LET’S DO THIS!” Wilhelm yelled as he started charging towards the cluster of defenders around the control console.

“Damn it, I’m taking fire! I need some Jacks!” Jack shouted as his horn lit up and his Echo sparked, before two bigger, beefier, orange versions of him flickered into existence. “Yeah, that’s right! It’s a Badass Jack!” Jack cheered as he and his duplicates began using their wrist lasers to seriously cover Wilhelm’s charge, making his task easier, even if the Scavs he was charging at were practically pissing themselves, the big ones started charging him back.

“Out of my way fatasses!” Wilhelm growled as he barreled through the three charging outlaws that while bigger and heavier, didn’t have the strength or skill to avoid being tossed aside like yard pins. “Get away from the console!” Wilhelm demanded of the scavs who were clearly rigging the manual console to blow, and smashed them away, gibbing them so hard they flew like ragdolls off the cliff and out onto the lowlands.

“Noooo~! If they have access to the manual override, us guarding the control room is pointless!” Belly wailed angrily.

“Then you know what this means Belly?” Red asked rhetorically.

“It means we get some good ‘ol EVA that’s what!” Belly replied, and the scavs all backed off for a moment, giving Wil and Jack a moment to catch their breaths, as suddenly a cooling vent halfway up the relay’s stand burst off, and somehow, RedBelly leaped out, landing heavily with a butt-slam that knocked all the scavs too close off the building.

Title Card: RedBelly. Stand and Deliver, Your Life! RedBelly was a surprisingly imposing figure composed of two people.

Belly clearly was as big as other outlaw ‘class’ scavs, but was a bit more rotund, likely tending to his name/title of Belly, and he dual-wielded an auto pistol and...a Striker! This guy must really be a big-shot if he’s got a Legendary shotgun! And unlike other scavs, his whole body save his legs were covered in red-painted shield-like armor, the rest in a standard green spacesuit.

Red was a midget, which on Elpis and Pandora, was a sadly common defect caused by the environment rather than genetics. Red sat atop Belly’s shoulders, wearing a helm designed to match Belly’s armor. Said helm actually covered his whole body save his arms, which came out around and wielded an odd black smg that seemed to be a modified Hyperion Caustic smg. That was three guns coming from one opponent, that according to Echo, had both armor, shields, and was quite healthy.

“I just ate, so sorry if I try to make this quick.” Belly apologized.

“He gets all belchy! It’s gross!” Red complained.

“That sounds disgusting.” Wilhelm commented. “Please. Do NOT say any more about it, or I’ll make this quicker than the writers want it to be.”

“What the fuck are you talking about Wilhelm? We’ve got a serious pair of badasses, and their crew on us all at once! You can make stupid jokes later!”

“I made a joke?” Wilhelm questioned seriously. “No, I mean it. I blacked out there for a sec. The hell did I say?”

“Enough references! Git em lads!” RedBelly shouted at the same time, and all hell broke loose.

“Oh fuck!” Jack cursed as he rolled out of the way of Belly’s pistol fire, only to double-jump out of the way of a charging outlaw, and get rammed out of the air by a jet fighter, and then punched by a raider. “*spit, cough*, Wilhelm!”

“If you activate a single protocol, I will start shooting you instead!” Wilhelm said as he opened fire on RedBelly, the badass taking the shots with his shields as he kept Wilhelm at distance with unique smg fire and a couple precision shots of his blue-glowing Striker as most of their crew focused on keeping Jack busy.

“No, I need a little help and my copies won’t be ready again for a bit!” Jack ducked another punch from the raider, and punched the taller roo in the jaw, getting him to stumble back as Jack took out his TMP and unloaded into him, finishing him off as he rolled away from the outlaw again, shooting him in the back with his laser bracers, before having to jump away from a sweeping jet fighter’s laser.

“Luckily for you, Wolf and Saint are always ready!” Wilhelm tossed out the two grenade like digistruct containers that held Wolf and Saint, the surveyors deploying instantly. “Hold them off, Wolf! Saint, keep us in the green!”

“Yes, Alpha!” The surveyors yelled in tandem before setting to work. Wolf set out and started shooting caustic bullets at random scavs and RedBelly, while Saint floated around Wilhelm or Jack, healing any wounds they got from stray bullets.

“Lads, keep the scrawny one busy! This ones ours!” RedBelly declared, calmly moving towards Wilhelm, before suddenly breaking into a startling kangaroo spring-jump, Red still firing his caustic black smg at Wilhelm as Belly began his massive-radius butt-slam from their impressive height in the air. “*loud belch*!” “Ew, gross mate!”

“Shit!” Wilhelm cursed as he jumped, but while he avoided most of the damage to his shields, the knockback of the ridiculously powerful butt-slam almost knocked him off the relay, thankfully his Oz kit’s boost was enough to send him back on course, and he growled as he performed his own butt-slam, knocking RedBelly back a bit, but not by much due to Belly’s weight. “Up yours, you roo asshole!”

“That sounded racist Belly!” Red commented smugly as he kept up pressure with his smg, Wilhelm having to keep moving since his shield was getting low.

“It was, jackass!” Wilhelm yelled as he ran up and punched Red off of Belly’s head.

“Red! You cheeky bastard!” Belly growled, and his exposed roo face was twisted in a snarl, the startling fact that his eyes were completely blind was rather unexpected, the milky orbs likely being caused by the slash scar across his eyes, and the pissed roo literally flew into a blind rage, swinging the blade of his Striker wildly at Wilhelm, who barely back-stepped out of the way.

“He’s right in front of ya Belly! Keep on him!” Red directed from above thanks to the helm’s little jetpack, it was obvious now why Red and Belly were a team. Red was the eyes, Belly the brawn.

“Alpha!” Came the call of the passing Wolf who ducked in front of the blade to hold off Belly, only getting K.O.’d the second it made contact and allowing Wil to get out of Belly’s path.

“Damn it! No wonder his aim sucks, he just fires in the general direction that Red aims him. That can be worse than someone actually trying to hit since their shots can be unpredictable.” Jack said, only for Belly to react and shoot at him, taking down his shields and he coughed up blood as Saint rapidly responded to his plight while the scavs remained quiet, the reason obvious.

“You moron! He can hear you!” Wilhelm yelled, also causing Belly to shoot at him, the bullets breaking his shields. “Shit! Jack! We need more of ya!”

“On it! You’re promoted!” Jack joked as one of his copies was the big fiery kind, the other the normal blue kind, and Belly instantly wiped out the smaller one with a disturbingly well-aimed Striker shot, the fact the roo’s big ears kept twisting and turning said that the big lumbering oaf’s hearing was definitely beyond keen.

“Red to Belly! Permission to dock!” Red joked impishly, coming in close and Belly grinned as it seemed his main support was returning.

“Not if I can say something about-” Wilhelm said as he attempted to charge in again and smack Red away, only to get clocked by a wild swing from Belly when he got close. The blow sent Wilhelm to the floor, thankfully the blade of the Striker hadn’t hit him, just the body of the gun due to him over-reaching.

“Yer footsteps might as well be a thunderstorm!” Belly sneered gleefully before his partner’s helm/armor slammed back over him, which explained why there wasn’t a visor for him now. “How’s about we show you how we do it down-under? Back on Aus-End, before Dahl came and scooped us up, I was the village lookout! I kept everyone safe from Bunyips and all kinds of cruel beasties. I’m not about to let you idiots endanger those folks in Concordia. Zarpedon’s a bitch of her word, and we’re not letting you have her turn back on it.”

“Damn right! We’re all that’s keeping the Legion from aiming that laser straight for Concordia and giving us all time for Mustard to order evac for all them folks without Medivac! You ain’t getting this relay!” Red added on, the duo getting ready for another round, their silent crew all carefully positioning themselves as quietly as possible, the near dead-silence was deafening.

“You idiots, we’re trying to stop the Legion from blasting the moon! We’re trying to get the fucking base back from them!” Wilhelm said as he got up and lunged at Belly, blocking Belly’s swing and grabbing his Striker, locking him in a grapple with Belly.

“You’re the idiots! You don’t know Zarpedon! You don’t know Dahl! You think they were tough? You have no clue! You think we’re tough? We’re nothing! You need an army to face her, and we’re not about to go up against her without RIP’s say-so!” RedBelly screamed as Belly hooked his pistol under one of Wilhelm’s armpits, and tossed Wilhelm like he was a cardboard cutout as Red kept shooting him even as he was tossed away.

“Damn it, these guys are so annoying!” Jack complained as he restarted his assault on RedBelly’s crew, the scavs disturbingly precise and practiced in their attacks. “These can’t be mere scavs! We’ve only fought mercenary bands this coordinated before!” Jack jammed the blade of his rifle into a scav, firing a couple times to execute, and was panting as his Oz kit suddenly cut out, and he choked on the air trying to be sucked out of his lungs, and he winced as he dashed for an air canister.

“Jack!” Wilhelm shouted, only to notice how low his own air was.

“Feeling the strain? The cold? The pressure? Shame ya came here unprepared.” RedBelly mocked, their crew laughed over the Echo. “Give up, and we’ll just send ya into the que nice and quick.”

Wilhelm looked around, the situation was not good. RedBelly had them on the ropes, the deck was stacked against them, they needed constant air, but RedBelly and their crew had proper suits and systems while he and Jack had cheap short-term Oz kits that were really only meant for emergencies. “Wilhelm.” Angel’s voice was a godsend, but the fact that nobody else seemed to respond meant she had him on a private channel. “Wilhelm, aim seven degrees to your left, and-”

“ENGLISH, WOMAN!” Wilhelm yelled over echo. “ENGLISH! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!”

“But that is!” Angel yelled back over echo. “And I’ve heard you talk with Jack about-”

“SHUT IT! THIS IS BATTLE! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR TECHNICAL SHIT!”

“JUST SHOOT THE FUCKING FLOOR YOU STUPID CUNT!” Angel screamed, and a highlight of the Echo lit up a specific power cable next to RedBelly’s right foot.

Not hesitating since the lady mared up and just outright told him to, Wilhelm shot the cable with his shotgun, and when it was damaged, suddenly, the immediate area shuddered as emergency air bubble generators popped out and flared up, stunning everyone at suddenly having free oxygen.

“THANK YOU!” Wilhelm yelled over echo once more. “Expect next time I see you to get socked in the jaw.”

“I’m ripping your optic out with my bare fingers you ignorant little-!” Angel was cut off, likely by John since her connection was hung up.

“Heh, I can’t wait.” Wilhelm said to himself before getting floored by RedBelly. “YOU CHEEKY DICKWAFFLE!”

“Press em lads! Press em!” Belly ordered with a hint of panic in his voice.

“Don’t give em an inch!” Red insisted, also panicking. They knew the EVA was their biggest advantage here, and with the atmo, all the extra noise would make Belly’s hearing harder to rely on. “He’s right in front of us! FIRE!”

“Suppressing!” Belly shouted, spraying wildly in front of him at Wilhelm, who grinned as he easily kited ahead of Belly’s extensive pistol’s spray. “I’m not hearing him clearly! Where is he?!”

“Damn it, Belly! I knew we should’ve bought ya some new eyes! Right! RIGHT!” Red screamed as Jack was much more effectively fighting off the scavs now that he didn’t have breathing issues. “Put the Striker down Belly! That thing’s not helping ya!” Belly obediently holstered his Legendary Shotgun, and took to steadying his aim with his pistol instead. “Can we have a minute?”

“Shoryukan.”

“Why thank you, mate, that’s very much-.”

Wilhelm got right up in front of RedBelly and uppercutted Red off of Belly’s head and knocking Belly back slightly.

“Little fucker!” Jack shouted, getting the airborne midget’s attention, only for Red to suddenly choke as Jack had leaped up at him, and stabbed his bayoneted rifle up into the helmet, stabbing the little roo in his lower abdomen. “Such is Bite, bitch!” Jack yanked on the trigger as fast as he could, pumping the little guy with lead, causing him to drop his unique gun and gurgle blood, before he vanished in digistruction.

“RED! NO~!” Belly screamed, only for Wilhelm to punch him in the armor so hard, it warped inward, and he was sent flying back into the relay tower as Wilhelm stole his Striker in the same move. “I’ll...I’ll kill you...I’ll KILL ALL OF YOU~!” Belly roared, only for Wilhelm to shoot out his left knee. “AH!” Then using the other shell in the legendary two-shot Striker, shot out his other knee. “AH~!” The special effect that must’ve been added post-production to the gun let the buckshot pass clear through his shields, and Belly was on his bleeding knees, teeth grit, when he felt the barrel of his former shotgun pressed into his temple. “...Such...is Life….”

Wilhelm pulled the trigger, blowing Belly’s head off and he instantly digistructed. All the scavs were stunned silent, and Wilhelm snorted a little blood out of his nose. “Well? Are you going to keep getting in our way?”

“RUN!”

At the sudden terrified scream, all the roos ran with their suit-covered tails wildly flicking about in fear. RedBelly was the strongest of their crew. They weren’t going to fuck with the two assholes that did them in.

“That’s more like it.” Wilhelm said in a strangely calm voice. “Come on, Jack. Let’s get this over with.”

“Oh! My! GOG!” Wilhelm paused at Jack’s extremely pleased exclamation, and saw him literally drooling over the black, red, and green smg that Red had dropped. “It’s a PURE Hyperion gun! Most companies mix and match their parts for best effect and to help even out competition, but this. This is a gem!” Jack looked at it in his Echo. “RedBelly’s Black Snake. Stats are pretty average, but it’s Blue and has red flavor text like I said before; Such Is Bite. Heh!” Jack cradled his new gun, and aimed at one of the relay consoles around the tower that they might need to destroy, and the twin fang-like shot was impressively close together at that distance.

“Jack, focus. Let’s just finish the damn mission.” Wilhelm said in the same tone.

“Okay, I’m calm, I’m back. Sorry. Dad gave me some pills for my anger issues.” Angel admitted. “It’s sorta a genetic thing, our anger problems. Do you have fits of pure unnecessary rage uncle Jack?”

“CAN YOU BOTH JUST SHUT IT?!” Wilhelm yelled at the top of his lungs. “Seriously! We have a mission to do.”

“Shut up Wil, my niece is asking me a question. Yes. I do. Very much so, but usually Wilhelm flies off the handle enough for me so I don’t do it as often. Now then, how do we take this thing down?” Jack asked as he moved to the manual override console RedBelly and their crew had tried so hard to keep from them.

“That console, just plug your Echo into it and I’ll take care of it.” Jack promptly did so, and then stormed up to Wilhelm to pat him on the shoulder.

“Dude, you okay James?” Jack asked, since without his Echo, Angel wasn’t likely to hear them.

Wilhelm turned off his Echo before responding. “I don’t even know, Ryan. That Scav… He’s not even like the others. It’s like he actually knew what it meant to fight, and fight with honor. Like, it’s as if he knew what it’s like to be a respectable guy, instead of just another random bum… I could actually see him as an equal instead of just another piece of meat to blast into oblivion…”

“So you feel guilty now...you only killed him because you had to.” Jack reasoned, and Wilhelm nodded his head.

“He was hired for a job. And he died trying to complete it. That’s something both I...and Wilhelm can respect.” James said. “You know what I was, Ryan… At least you know what I was trying to be. I was a musician! And while I may not have had the same shit Wilhelm had to deal with, I still knew what it meant to get hired to do something and get it fucking done! Hell, there were those times where I was hired to do songs I absolutely hated, like Canon in D! Or events that I didn’t want to do! You know how I complained about that! I still got it all done, though! And you already have memories of what Wil went through!”

“Yeah...I guess RedBelly and their crew really were doing what they felt was best. And we’re the assholes who fucked it all up. Either way though, it had to be done. You know I’m a cold person, that I have almost no honor outside protecting the helpless, both as me, AND as Jack, but...I just want you to know I don’t think less of you for this.” Ryan insisted.

“Hello? Uncle Jack?” Angel’s voice echoed out from Jack’s Echo at the console. “You can pick it back up, the relay is-.” The dish of the relay suddenly went lax, powering down. “Shut down.”

“C’mon Wilhelm, we have a world to save.” Jack insisted, moving for his Echo, and Wilhelm took a calming breath.

“I know.” Wilhelm looked at his new Luneshine Doc’s Striker. “I know.”

Author's Note

"DJ, where'd you come up with the Shoryukan joke?"
"Data not found."
"... You're ripping off Team Four Star, aren't you?"
"Aren't you?"
"Data not found."

Also, we had an EPIC song lined up for the battle, but for some reason the URL wasn't "valid", wtf FiM/YT?!

Jack Checklist: ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☑ 3?!

[Crisis Scar Relay]

“I still don’t get it….” Jack mused as he shook his head slowly while overlooking the Scar from atop the Relay. “Why the hell were Red and Belly so determined to hold up their part of the deal when it risked destroying the moon?”

“Jack, honor is a thing you know, even among scavs and bandits.” Wilhelm commented as he finished wiping the blood of some of the scavs from the roof off on his shirt since he didn’t want blood crusting in his diamond dog claw. “They were paid to jam all signals between Elpis and Helios, and they fought as hard as they could to keep it up even when doing so was foolish. Because they had a deal, and they upheld it.”

“Yeah, yeah, mercenary honor, pfft. What honor?” Jack rolled his eyes.

“Watch it Jack. There’s a lot more honor in it than you know.” Wilhelm warned.

“Alright, good job you two! We have resources, Fast-Travel, and the scavs around Concordia have gotten the picture that we don’t want any of their bullshit right now! Now we can just head on up there whenever, but we still need major reinforcements. Lovebirds?” John called out over the Echo as the two mercenary partners leapt from atop the relay towards the Flats.

“We’re on it John, we’ve found a Stingray manufacturing plant that also made the Dahl powersuits.” Roland reported to the sound of rapid gunfire and Lilith’s manic laughter. “As you can hear, we’re kinda pressed considering torks and scavs are all over the place.”

“Damn it, okay, good work you two, pull back until we can get more guns heading that way. Everyone else?” John asked for sit-rep.

“We’ve got all the Grinders and other stuff Springs needed, and Moxxi’s Spice shipments, as well as some...eugh...shuggurath glands she says she can use to make more Spice.” Athena reported.

“And now I have three Grinders in my Emporium, but they’re all gone to crap I’d say. I could butcher ‘em, but since ya got an Arcanotech Engineer, I want Jack to look ‘em over before I do anything rash.” Springs reported.

“Scavs have been butchered like we reported earlier, blood and guts coat a good portion of Elpis’ surface right now.” Nisha cheerfully reported.

“What I didn’t eat anyway. The little ones kick and scream on the way down~.” Aurelia growled ferally, her draconic nature shining through her bitchy exterior.

“I have been marginally useful as a pack-mule!” Fragtrap happily added on. “I’m not an exaggerated waste of space! Yay!”

“Ugh, alright, come on back, we need to figure out where we can get our hands on a military AI. No, you don’t count Fragtrap.” John tacked on.

“Aww….” Fragtrap whined, getting Jack and Wilhelm to chuckle.

“I think I can help with that, all of ya git on over to my Emporium of Stuff. Especially you Athena.” Springs demanded, getting Athena to splutter.

“W-what? Now? But we’re all in the middle of-.”

“Now.” Springs’ voice brooked no argument.

“Coming.” Athena amended sharply.

“And bring that Trixie mare too.” Springs added, getting Wilhelm to huff angrily.

“Oh~ Trixie is liking the sound of this!” However, Trixie indeed sounded excited from what was being insinuated.

“Oo~ more footage!” Fragtrap cheered, getting Athena to mutter and Trixie to laugh.

“Great...my potential marefriend is going to have a three-way with a big-booty roo and a muscly griffin. And both of them are gay so any chance of me getting in on that is zip.” Wilhelm muttered as they entered the atmosphere of the gate, stepping over the wrecked ‘corpse’ of the claptrap they murdered earlier.

“Hey buck, cheer up. You’ve still got a shot at Trixie, I can tell she’s not so shallow as to-.” Jack was interrupted by the roof of the atmosphere-contained gate-house suddenly crashing down away from them and smashing out the gate they were heading towards, breaking the atmo and jettisoning the stallions out into the vacuum of Elpis towards whatever just nearly insta-killed them out of nowhere, and they landed awkwardly into the air bubble being projected around the zoomie station. “...Ow….”

“My neck...why always the one part of my spine that isn’t robotic yet?” Wilhelm groaned as he rolled off his head and rubbed his neck. “What the fuck just happened?” He stood up before the shell-shocked Jack did since his cybernetics make him more resilient, and saw what looked like a Hyperion Moonshot Delivery Beacon at the end of a trench that ended at the ridge a good distance away from the gate. “Uh, John?”

“What is it Wilhelm?” John asked casually.

“Has Zarpedon been using the Moonshot Cannon at all?” Wilhelm asked. “I’m pretty sure this is a Moonshot Beacon.”

“Angel?” John asked his daughter.

“Getting visual...yes, it is. But...it’s signal isn’t registered on our files, and it doesn’t match any serial numbers we have...hold on, got a match, but...the one it corresponds with is in service on Eden-3….” Angel answered in perplexity.

“... Jack. You know what this means, right?” Wilhelm asked. “It’s one of those again.”

“Oh...that’s nice...that’s great...can we go home now?” Jack asked blankly and groaned as he picked himself up and dusted his black leather jacket to get the moon dust off. “Ugh...Bro, gonna be a bit, see what this dimensional/temporal anomaly is about.”

“Okay, just be careful alright? Don’t want ya disappearing on us so suddenly if you can help it.” John cautioned as the duo approached the beacon

“Yeah, hopefully this one’ll have a guy who WON’T almost die when he enters zero atmosphere.” Wilhelm commented. “Right Jack?”

“Shut up or I’ll make you implode again.” Jack growled as they approached the beacon, that somehow righted itself, and opened, creating a small air bubble.

The holographic projection above the possible token came to life, showing a classic ‘Loading’ process with what looks to be fine print below it. The background imagery showed off a very ‘foot resting on a cliff’ view over a construction project beyond presenting the Everfree Forest with the remains of the former Castle of the Two Sisters dismantled, as a mostly constructed site could be rather imposing near a hamlet village barely seen in the shot. With the one of Handsome Jack himself perhaps photoshopped in, but if you looked close enough you could read the fine print.

“If you can read this message, any and all damages done by Hyperion's Token upon entry. All responsibility of damages and/or fines is undertaken by the one who reads this message or their superior.”

“I ain’t paying squat for that stupid gate, it’s just an abandoned building anyway.” Wilhelm grumbled. “Damn corpocracy-run galaxy.”

“Yeah, yeah, we consent to blah, blah, just activate primary functions. Code: H-74813.” Jack added on a standard clearance Hyperion code to see if it would respond or whatever.

The screen flared with a menacing red color before turning neutral blue, until a feed of apparently Human Handsome Jack on via holo-screen with crystal clarity, giving them a skeptical look. “Seeing as how you are not ‘related’ to any of ‘me’, nice to meet you. Though that whole ‘voice command’ shtick has been done before by another version of me, so don’t let that bum you out if you think like a sheep. Not that i don’t mind sheep, their wool is surprisingly soft but importing it is a bitch.” He mumbled loud enough at the end while a robotic Alicorn built as one would expect coming from a ‘milf next door’ type of holo-vid in a body-fitting business suit with a mini skirt giving him a holopad.

“It was worth trying.” Jack shrugged nonchalantly. “You don’t learn things unless you try them. That code would’ve bypassed most standard security and standard protocols on Hyperion systems here, wouldn’t work on any of the better stuff though.” Jack commented.

“Great, as if it wasn’t bad enough that there’s already two Jacks here, now there’s a third one.” Wilhelm grumbled. “Nice chassis, I can see she’s hiding a lot of sweet weaponry under that come-hither appearance.” Wilhelm complimented, his cybernetic eye pointing out several almost invisible seams in her hands alone, not to mention her head. “Hm...maybe...Jack, can I get-.”

“No.” Jack obstinately denied, getting Wilhelm to pout angrily. “You’re not converting your torso or head any further until we can arrange a cerebral transfer Wil, you’re at risk enough as it is.” Jack recited as if it was the hundredth time. “So...Handsome, considering my name’s also Jack, what sort of arrangement can we come to? We can’t spend much time, Zarpedon’s trying to blow up Elpis and-.” Helios in the background, which Handsome Jack could see from his viewpoint, fired the Eye at the moon, making everything shake and Jack sighed. “Yeah, that.”

Handsome Jack just sighed, rubbing his mask covered face since it doesn’t match his tanned skin. “Well there are a ‘few’ things I could do for you off the bat, but they vary from scale/intensity of what payment options YOU are willing to dish out. Some purchases, some enhancements of one degree or another. To say larger commitments, you have a large deadly Helios One ‘mining laser’ striking YOUR moon. I have a Helios One ‘mining laser’ with some ‘tweaks’ of dubious origins, that may decommission the immediate threat for you. But anything ‘I’ do would come down, sadly to a simple fact; cold hard bits pave roads or wars.” He steepled his fingers, watching them before adding on at the very end. “Or you owe me a decent favor, that depending on the timing will be collected.”

“Um...sorry, but we’re kinda broke, it’s why we took this job, and my brother may be VP of Hyperion, but I don’t think-.”

“Here’s 10 Million, see what he can do with that.” John nonchalantly interjected over Echo, and Jack watched his Echo’s bit counter skyrocket as he groaned and rubbed his face. “Hey! Other...me! I’m John, I just wired 10 million over to my little brother. If you could even slow down Helios for a few hours, that’s worth a few million bits.” John said to Handsome Jack as Wilhelm looked between the call screen of John, Jack, and Handsome Jack, even if the last one was human and not a pony.

“I swear, Jack, if you summon your copies, I will die drowning in a sea of chiseled jaws.” Wilhelm joked, getting Jack to groan again and rub his temples.

Handsome Jack from the Hologram blinked once before giving a trademark smirk. “Well ten million bits is easily chump change for a corporation like Hyperion, but to get a added bang for your bit i’ll throw in an upgrade or two for your Wilhelm.” He said pointing a finger at said mercenary. “Because he reminds me of Metal Will, he’s got a easy trigger though for being an action junkie.”

“I’m being talked about like I’m a robot...my dreams are almost coming true.” Wilhelm grinned maliciously as suddenly a portal opened in the cracked plains below, and a few pinpoint Moonshots fired directly from it, the rumble almost overriding the sound of a mare’s voice somewhere screaming ‘I came!’ and the Moonshots struck key points around the center of Helios, knocking out the center’s glow and the other ones surrounding it flickering, a few of them gone.

“No! What?! How did you do that?! Get the focusing lenses replaced!” Zarpedon howled angrily, the pretty doberman quite pissed off.

“Take that you bitch! Ha! Good one other-Jack! This buys us at least a day or two, whew, that’s a weight off my back.” John hung up in a very pleased mood.

Handsome Jack smiled, flicking his fingers to the right showing a image of the payload he sent over to their Helios One. “I’ve sent them a very interesting Aggressive delivery package, in the case the normal ones are beaten back/defeated. It’ll have likely bought time for the hack drones to chew into hard to get net hubs to spam access denial, thought of that in case my own stuff got hijacked again by one of my asshole versions.” He growled out rubbing his face before a more human size portal at the token appeared. “Your friend will get the ‘auto doc’ works so he’s back in your hands pronto, with a bit of dizziness.”

“Uh, I’m his engineer, I’m kinda supposed to-!” Jack was suddenly decked by Wilhelm, and he bolted for the portal. “Wil! Wait!”

“Not letting you stop me this time!” Wilhelm cheered before he entered the portal and it closed behind him.

“No! Hey, HJ! I’m the admin to his systems, I’ve got them on lockdown so nobody can just-.”

“We will handle it.” The ultra-sexy alicorn robot mare interrupted with a sly grin. “We can easily override anything thou may have done to secure his system from tampering. Wilhelm will be returned to thou soon. Bigger, better, stronger. There is much we have in ways of robotics that likely will make whatever thine universe has look like second rate scrap.”

“So be cool alright kiddo? Handsome Jack, out.” The beacon suddenly went quiet and closed up, leaving Jack rubbing his muzzle and his horn sparking in anger, the yellow anthro unicorn was very upset.

“DAMN IT WILHELM~!”

On the other end of the portal, was a rather large and empty sterile white room with a ringed gate on the wall facing the entrance shutting off after Wilhelm arrived. Wilhelm blinked at being greeted to the sight of three types of Anthro Claptraps, one of each pony species, with medical tones of white and red painted on their chassis and dyed into their choice of doctor smocks, waiting with a patient gurney to have him lay in. “Greetings alternate-” Gazes at a naming prompt before continuing. “Wilhelm! We ask that you disrobe, then proceed to lay on the gurney and be informed of benefits and downsides that may need to be kept present in your mental state under personal review as a copy will be sent to your handler after. We’ll start by medical history while you are being prepped with drug treatments on the way, also a personal thumbprint as proof that this is by your consent.”

“So standard procedure, got it.” Wilhelm nonchalantly tossed his clothes off at the earth-pony claptrap mare, and felt a sort of buzz in some of his cybernetics. “Geez, I know I’m attractive, but could you tone it down?” Wilhelm asked, getting the fully-robotic mares to avert their gazes a little. “Yikes, your boss lady wasn’t kidding, you outclass our universe’s robots by all standards.”

“Apologies subject Wilhelm.” The unicorn responded as she held up a datapad as he sat in the gurney and they began wheeling him out of the room while he filled it out. “But Mother does not believe in suppressing natural instincts, even in us fully mechanical models.”

“Good to know, I was looking at eventually becoming an android so I could still feel at least some things.” Wilhelm mentioned as the pegasus took some scans of him with her eyes, and she tsked.

“His augmentations are causing neural and tissue damage. We’d be better off going the whole way than trying to save any of it. His engineer did a good job of preventing the advancement of it though.” The pegasus commented as Wilhelm finished filling out the datapad, and handed it to the unicorn as he shifted into laying down under the provided modesty sheets.

“Sounds like Metal Will all over again, at least his designs weren’t so slapstick as this one’s.” The earth pony mare commented with a scoff as she carried the clothing and Echo.

“Alright, enough banter. Who’s my doctor?” Wilhelm asked before they entered a pair of doors at the end of the pristine white hall.

“That. Would be us.” Wilhelm quirked his eyebrow at the large cubical box at the center of the room they’d entered, and around turned a smaller version of the mare that was standing next to Handsome Jack in the beacon’s screen, the number 47 on the left side of her head. “The auto-doc may be able to perform the physical procedure, but this isn’t going to be all gears and oil.”

“Oh, so...you’re going to be putting me in a chassis outright?” Wilhelm asked in surprise. That sort of thing would cost at least 50 million back home. “I don’t believe we paid for that, especially with what you did to Helios already.” The cybernetic unicorn stallion commented with wariness. “Then again I already signed, so I don’t have much choice in the matter by this point.” Wil then looked the alicorn up and down, appreciating her near-flawless design, hoping his new body would be anywhere near her, or even the three nurse’s craftsmanship.

She canted her head with a knowing motherly smile, tugging down on her one-piece skin-tight business suit teasingly, even if he simply snorted in amusement. “We see thou art a composed stallion. We appreciate that. But consider this an...investment.” The mare answered. “For reference, our name is Faust. Before thou asks, yes; that Faust.”

“I get remade by the Pandoran Goddess of Creation. Well, isn’t that poetic.” Wilhelm chuckled before he relaxed into the gurney. “Alright, chop away.”

She nodded softly, even as her form split in ways that seemed less than anything remotely beautiful. The gurney formed clamps onto his wrists and ankles to his neck and waist, dragging him towards the device with indented lettering of ‘Hyperion Auto Doc, a new you TODAY!’. Lifting the gurney with ease to slide him back into the opening receptacle, with surgical arms and needles at the ready until the first one jabbed into his neck.

“Oh~ this is going to be fun.” Wilhelm chuckled and Faust tittered at his earnest excitement before the box sealed.

[Concordia]

“Damned idiot...always ignoring me...won’t listen to his engineer...go fucking RUST already!” Jack growled as he was hanging with his plot out in the air, his soft and shiney brown tail twitching in agitation as he rooted around the innards of one of Springs’ Dahl Grinders, having removed the input racks to see about fixing it without butchering the other two Athena, Trixie, and Fragtrap managed to haul back to Concordia from the hands of Scavs.

“Ah...there we go….” Jack sighed as he removed his hands from the rear mounting of one of the newly fabricated and installed parts. “AH!” Jack yelped at feeling two big, strong hands grab his plot, and squeeze. “Who’s touching me?!”

“Who else, cabana boy?” Jack was yanked out of the Grinder by his flanks, and soon felt himself being pressed back-first into a powerful female form, the stench of blood and meat on her breath and the way her huge breasts compressed into his back was, admittedly, quite arousing, even given who it was. “I’m feeling rather playful, pet. Come.” The dragoness held Jack to her body, hooves clear off the floor due to the much-taller female’s stature and strength making picking up the average-height stallion easy.

“Damn it Aurelia, I’m not interested!” Jack struggled against her stone-firm grip, and got nowhere. Wilhelm could easily overpower him, and he was only barely half a head higher than Jack. What hope did he have against a dragoness that towered almost a whole foot and a half over him?

“Too bad.” The ice-blue dragoness cooed as she leaned down and pinched one of Jack’s ears in her teeth, getting him to hiss, but the way his pelvic area twitched told her that he indeed liked it. “You don’t get much of a choice.”

“Help! Dragon-napping!” Jack shouted, hoping the age-old call for help would bring him assistance, but it actually caused most of the pedestrians to flee inside. “No! You’re supposed to help me!”

“I don’t think they want to mess with this~.” Aurelia cooed as she pressed her powerful hips against his plot, and Jack shivered at how her wide pelvis completely covered his tight rear. “I...am randy. And you. Handsome. Are going to help me with all this pent-up frustration.” The rich bitch growled ferally before they neared the spaceport colony’s hotel a level down, and she slammed the door with her tail.

“It is time to wake up, son.” Wilhelm jerked slightly at Faust’s voice, feeling...off. “Do not rush it however. Going from organic to synthetic is a very sudden change.” Faust spoke in cautionary tones, the curved doors of the Auto Doc opening up with the light outside momentarily blinding to his optics.

“The fact that I can feel my back again is really new...why remove the cannon?” Wilhelm asked drowsily. "And what's with that whole 'son' shtick?" Wilhelm asked as Faust wheeled Wilhelm out of the auto-doc and he raised his left arm to blink in surprise. “That’s new… Well... Old… How the hell did you give me back my arm?! I cut it off to swap it for a robot arm!”

“Oh, but it is a robot arm our silly young colt.” Faust chided gently as she softly entwined her hard metallic fingers with his seemingly soft ones, and Wilhelm shivered from the sensation of touch. “Biomechanics are easy for us. The entirety of thine body is like this now.” Faust stated, before leaning in. “Everything.” Faust then grabbed Wil’s new bicep, and his collarbone, before twisting in a specific pattern, and suddenly the numbness of a missing limb returned to Wilhelm’s perception as she literally unplugged the whole thing from shoulder down to reveal that while it seemed to be organic, the plug on the end proved otherwise.

“This… This is freaky good.” Wilhelm said, shocked and amazed. “Any more improvements I should know about?”

“Certainly. Thou has various less-sophisticated spare limbs for more combat or utility purposes that the new Echo panel replacing thy back-mounted cannon can digistruct for thou straight into thine limb ports. Not to mention we...enhanced thine already impressive pelvic region.” Faust mentioned as she plugged his arm back in. The painless action was actually quite odd to the stallion, beings he was used to utter agony with reconnecting prosthetics to nerves.

“Mhm… And how do I activate the new systems?” Wilhelm questioned. “That’s kind of important.” Wilhelm asked, imagining his diamond-dog forearm, only for his whole arm to suddenly glow with blue-white digistruction light, and vanished before being replaced by a brawnier, beefier, and stronger diamond-dog robot arm that was blatantly robotic with outer armor and everything. “Whoa...jacked up. So...is this how operating systems work with AI? How did I summon the new arm?”

“Thou has various spare limbs, mostly they are spares we had lying around that no one had need of. For instance, imagine thine arm being like a standard loader’s.” Faust suggested, and Wilhelm did so, the arm then digistructed again and was replaced by a standard loader arm, which, for his size, was a bit oversized. “Thou also has matching leg types for thine arms and also various back-mounted accessories. Otherwise thou is purely a biomechanical android.”

“So I can kick ass, even if one of my limbs gets blown off? Awesome.” Wilhelm grinned, and the arm turned into a purely robotic pony arm. “Oh, OH! I have to try something!” Wilhelm sat up, and his legs and hips vanished, before being replaced by the tall, powerful, reverse-jointed loader legs. “Rocket feet! Sure, Fix loaders weren’t made for military, but dang the design is solid.”

“Well son, we hope thou enjoy thy new body, and also thy daughter.” Faust commented idly, getting Wilhelm blink as he paused in turning his legs into full-robot pony legs, since he wanted to save his biomechanical limbs for special occasions.

“Daughter?” Wilhelm’s curious question was answered by a powder blue and silver surveyor flying out of the auto-doc and hovering around him.

“Daddy~!” The oddly cute little flying robot cheered as it’s blue optic actually formed an emoji of a big smile. “It’s so nice to meet you!”

“W-what?! Daddy?! I mean...I’m used to Wolf and Saint calling me that rarely, but what?” Wilhelm balked as he stood up, his pants being easily put on due to the smooth and seamless design of his new legs.

“I’m a personality profile created by blending together the scan data of both your original organic brain, and the mare who matched the DNA of some hairs that were on you, Trixie. So in that sense, I’m your little girl.”

“... How? Just… How?!” Wilhelm asked, confused as all hell. “And what does this mean for future children?! AM I INFERTILE?!” Wilhelm then devolved into his primal state and started to panic, whinnying and bucking around, much to Faust and the surveyor’s amusement as he sent the gurney flying across the otherwise empty room.

“Grand Momma Faust sent a probe to scan momma Trixie’s brain, then took the data and blended it with the data taken from your former brain. This way I can have both the necessary knowledge for your universe, as well as be familiar with you.” The surveyor explained.

“As for thy ability to reproduce? Tis actually enhanced. Any offspring thou has will be partially biomechanical as a result of our conversion of thine reproductive organs. They will be healthy, just have nanites helping their health along.” Faust said to the hyperventilating Wilhelm, who was not willing to give up reproduction despite his desire to be mechanical.

“Oh...that’s...that’s actually badass. Sweet. So uh...daughter? What’s your name?” Wilhelm asked as he calmed down, and began putting on his shirt, which was backless over his Echo

“You can name me whatever you want, but I would prefer Sharlet.” The blue and silver surveyor answered.

“Well alright Sharlet. What do you do? Wolf attacks enemies, and Saint heals and shields me.” Wilhelm explained as he reached into his pocket and found his drones storage spheres were untouched, good.

“I have all of yours and momma Trixie’s memories, and momma is a master illusionist. I can create decoys that will make attacking any of us harder, or even render us invisible. I can’t hold spells for very long though, my magic core can only do so much before needing a cooldown.” Sharlet answered. “You’d be surprised how tiring illusion magic can be, it isn’t as easy as fire-and-forget, you have to focus really hard on it.”

“Alright, but do you have an auto-repair storage sphere or cube? I don’t want you just hovering about and getting hurt.” Wilhelm asked and the silvery-blue surveyor danced about in the air.

“Sure! I can take a nap right now if you want. In fact, I’ll do so. Later daddy.” Suddenly, Sharlet digistructed and condensed into a sphere similar to Wolf and Saint, and Wilhelm caught it before it fell.

“You know, this reminds me. Did you do anything to Wolf and Saint, like improving how long they can be out?” Wilhelm asked.

“Certainly. It was just shameful that they had such weak power cores, we can understand that finding such cores must have been difficult as it was, so we replaced them with the same core Sharlet has. They can be active for even hours at a time before needing only a minute to recharge in their inert state.” Faust informed as she began walking out of the room, Wilhelm following.

“Sweet.” Wilhelm said simply.

“Yes, sweet.” Faust mused as she guided her new child down the hall. “Now son, thou can return to us if thou ever need any repairs or updates if we don’t inform thou ourself of such available services.” Faust said as they returned to the portal room where Wilhelm had arrived. “Farewell son.”

“Thanks mom...what...whoa, where did that come from?” Wilhelm asked as he scratched at his synthetic mane, his HUD bringing up a quick file that informed him it was trimmable and could even grow if he devoted ingested food sources to it.

“The process is literally one of rebirth, so, in a fashion, we art thine new mother. We don’t deny it, and do not begrudge any of our numerous children the right to call us such.” Faust opened her arms a little, a knowing smile as Wilhelm visibly resisted outright giving her a hug. “Come now, don’t be shy.”

“I...I never really had good parents….” Wilhelm admitted as he slowly approached the mare and gently hugged her as if he might hurt her, and she giggled as she squeezed him lovingly, and Wil sighed in a previously unknown feeling of relief and happiness. “Wow...deep.” …. “I just realized my voice isn’t heavily distorted now.”

“Of course, thy voice was gritty and hard to understand. We made thy new voice box clear and with a proper amount of grit. Now be gone, and go make some foals.” Faust urged, making Wilhelm burst out laughing as he turned and walked through the open portal.

[Concordia]

Jack laid in the bed of the hotel room, staring at the metal ceiling, naked under the covers and with a naked ice-blue dragoness curled up against his side. The Baroness had actually been a an incredible lay, despite his misgivings to the situation, Jack had to admit…. “That was great...she’s still a total bitch, but damn that was good.”

“I am awake, just so you know.” The dozing huntress mumbled as she hugged him a little tighter to her. “Mmm...damn...haven’t been driven into lust by a good fight in a long time. I forget how good it is to let loose. Being so rich has pampered me too much perhaps.”

“So what did you fight that made your draconic instincts kick in?” ‘And how can I get you to lose it like that again? You’re way less of a bitch when you’re excited.’

“It wasn’t any one fight really. Nisha and I slaughtered the local scavs across the flats and over at the refinery. But the one that just got me so riled up was this one Swagman that just kept shrugging off my bullets. Somehow, headshot after headshot, he would not go down, and he was managing to keep Nisha on the ropes, while also fending off blowflies and torks. He was a true badass. When he finally went down and I had almost run out of bullets, I realized I needed a good lay, immediately, and that denying myself could even send me into heat if I wasn’t careful.” Aurelia explained, purring her draconic rumble as she hugged Jack a bit tighter. “And I couldn’t get your fine flanks out of my head.”

“Well, that’s certainly flattering. But you also know I despise you right?” Jack rolled his eyes but couldn’t keep the grin off his face or out of his voice.

“You only know my haughty and bitchy side. This evening you glimpsed something rare.” Aurelia cheekily replied, reaching down into the covers and getting Jack to hiss. “Want another go?”

“Jeez slow down you greedy dragon! Can’t I have a few min-?”

“RELEASE OUR STALLION!” A blisteringly loud voice declared as Princess Luna literally kicked the door down, and stormed in, looking haggard, and smelling in a rather suspicious manner that Jack had scented just a short while earlier in Vash’s universe. “That precious tool between his thighs is OURS!”

“Excuse me?! But I grabbed him first! I’m not about to-!” Aurelia was treated to a faceful of royal hoof, the power of it knocking the strong dragoness for a loop, and off the bed, while Luna used her magic to repair the door and lock it, straddling the scared and worried Jack’s sheet-covered pelvis.

“Hello Jack. You have the honor of pleasuring a goddess on her own object of power. How do you plead your situation?” Luna almost sweetly asked as she began untying her dress, making Jack gulp nervously.

“I need an adult?”

“You are an adult.”

[Spring’s Emporium of Stuff]

Wilhelm stepped out of the portal’s exit, his new eerily life-like mechanical eyes taking in the crowded room, and realizing everyone there was staring at him. “What? Never seen an android before?”

“No.” Roland calmly admitted.

“I’ll admit, really badass.” Lilith grinned.

“Welcome back Wilhelm, you’re looking better than before, and I don’t just mean in the mechanical sense.” John said from a seat next to one of the three Grinders that occupied most of the wall-space in Spring’s main shop.

“Please oh master of robots! You humble this pathetic mobile scrap pile with your presence! Might I someday achieve your level of awesomeness?” Fragtrap prostrated.

“No.” ‘You have to find your own kind of awesomeness little buddy.’

“Okay!” Fragtrap rebounded, as if his query into his potential wasn’t just burned with fire.

“So where are the others?” Wilhelm asked, seeing that only John, Fragtrap, Roland, and Lilith were in attendance.

“Athena, Trixie and Springs are all still in her office. They haven’t come out in hours, and the windows are thankfully covered so they’re not giving us a show.” John informed with an amused grin on his muzzle.

“... So they’ve been doing it like rabbits. Where’s Jack, Aurelia and Luna?” Wilhelm asked.

“Last I heard, little bro was dragon-napped by the rich bitch to a hotel, and nobody here really has the muscle to stop her. Not to mention she was giving off ‘fuck me’ pheromones and nobody was going to get between that ass and my brother, so yeah. But then Princess Luna finally woke up, from multiple orgasms out of nowhere, which were synchronized with those moonshots the human me fired at Helios. She immediately went into heat and Nina tried to quarantine her until the rest of the mares and dogs in Concordia went into it too in, I’m afraid; about a day. But she broke out, hunted down my brother like a heat-seeking missile, and now she, Aurelia, and my brother have been in that room since.” John chuckled, apparently not at all worried for the safety of his brother between two possessive alpha females.

“Do I need to go rescue him?” Wilhelm asked. “I really hope I don’t. I don’t know about you, but I sincerely don’t want a dragoness and an alicorn fighting me… Then again, it’d give me a good test of my new features.”

“That won’t be necessary.” The group turned to Springs’ office door to see it open, and a rather frazzled-looking Athena was leaning into the doorframe, wearing nothing but a bra and her pants. “Knowing how such a situation can go between one male and two alpha females, they’d sooner rip into each other than him.”

“Not to mention-whoa-ho-ha~! Wilhelm! What...oooo~....” Trixie instantly lost her train of thought as the already skimpy-clothed mare exited the room with her magic tending to her mane, and she closed in on the reborn android with awe and hunger. “You look...fantastic. Almost completely organic.” She ran a hand over his smooth robotic bicep, grinning. “Since we have some time...want to finally go have some of that steak?”

“Yes. Very much so.” Wilhelm stated happily.

With that, Trixie practically tried to drag the tall robotic stallion out the door for a good meal as Springs managed to apparently fit her huge butt into her shorts and hop into the room, but looked confused at the low turnout. “Well, I know we kinda stretched time a bit, but this is really important.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll spread the word, it’s getting late according to standard galactic time, so we’re all going to sleep soon anyway. Just tell us and we’ll get things in order.” John said placatingly to the group’s supply/info source.

“Well alright then. I don’t know where we can find a military AI, but I know someone who sure as hell does.” Springs informed as she leaned into Athena, the griffon quietly purring at the contact.

“So who is it?” Lilith asked, eager to drag Roland to bed herself.

“A little ankle-biter by the name Pickle.”

Author's Note

And now...things get...complicated....

This story, it gon' be interestin'.

Handsome Jack and Faust are from Handsome Jack's Return

Torgue, you Generous SOB!

[Concordia]

Wilhelm’s blue glowing optics suddenly snapped open, blinking in bewilderment. ‘Wow. That was a fun dream. Dream sims, awesome.’ “Jack, wake up!” Wilhelm shouted, only to get his muzzle constricted by an unfamiliar pale blue aura. ‘What is-? Oh yeah… That date actually went somewhere… Trixie is a beast in bed.’

“Quiet sexbot, Trixie is still sleepy….” Trixie groaned from atop him, the covers over her and him. The fact his sense of touch was only now registering said his start-up from sleep mode was a bit slow on the vestigial programs.

‘Oh yeah… Roleplay…’ “I’m sorry mistress, that command is not an option at this time.” Wilhelm said quietly as he moved his hands under the covers, trailing them up her hidden flanks, massaging her marks and making her shiver and bite her lip.

“N-no, not right now... Fine. Trixie is getting up.” Trixie conceded, sitting up from her position straddling his abs, giving Wilhelm a glorious view of her beautiful body as she rubbed her eyes. “Mm...last night, was splendid Wilhelm. Trixie can’t remember the last time she felt this sore….” Trixie admitted with a pleased grin as she grunted and got up and off the bed, stretching out her stiffness.

“Well color me surprised. I figured we’d just have a nice steak dinner, maybe date for a bit. This is the first time in a long while someone actually tapped me on the first date.” Wilhelm admitted with pride as Trixie rolled her eyes with an amused snort as he sat up and looked at the still blatantly robotic arms he was using before. “Still can’t believe you wanted me to keep the fullmetal limbs and not use my more bioorganic sets.

“What can she say? Trixie likes a good, hard hand on her flanks.” Trixie winked as she turned towards a door in the room, giving a blatant sashay and flick of her tail. “Wish to join Trixie in the shower? Show her how precise you can be in more gentle tasks?”

“I thought you said not right now.” Wilhelm chuckled as he got out of bed, revealing a blank groin. His reproductive equipment was actually stowed away until he needed it. Safety features for the win!

“Trixie has reconsidered~.” The silver-haired mare purred as she entered the bathroom, only to pause. “Oh...Trixie didn’t realize we...actually moved around….” Wilhelm blinked and moved next to her to see the mirror shattered, some blood, pulled-hair, and what might have been one of his false teeth, but a quick tongue check told him all his teeth were accounted for.... “Right...Trixie did drink rather heavily….”

“Unblocking memory sequence….” Wilhelm stated, and relived the moment he’d shucked aside at the time, and his face blushed in simulation. “Whoa...you’re...a really violent mare when it comes to sex. Practically demanded I pull your mane.”

“Yes...Trixie admits to having a bit of a fetish for violence.... Also you are quite durable, she must’ve figured you would be able to take and return if she let you find out so easily….” Trixie admitted nervously as she sniffed the blood, it wasn’t blood. “Some sort of unusual fluid, not blood, not oil. Possibly from when Trixie must’ve punched out your tooth.”

“Well, whatever. Last night was fun as hell though regardless. We’re definitely doing it again sometime.” Wilhelm commented as he made Trixie squeak when he picked her up bridal-style out of nowhere and walked her over the broken glass. “Now let’s get you clean mistress.”

“Oh~, Wilhelm, you know just what Trixie likes.” Trixie cooed as she used her magic to close the door.

[Elsewhere in Concordia]

Jack groaned as his eyes weakly opened, and he quickly knew he couldn’t move, feeling two soft and warm bodies on either side of him, possessively clutching an arm between their respectively impressive bosoms. ‘Oh no~....’

Jack finished opening his eyes, and carefully looked to his left to see Aurelia snoozing, her long dragon tongue lolled out and absently licking his neck like he was a tasty treat. He looked right, and almost stabbed his snout on Luna’s long, sharp horn as she nuzzled his shoulder in her sleep. ‘The owner of a whole planet, and a living goddess. Great...great...another story that might hopefully go somewhere...ow...my pelvis…. And Wilhelm’s damn checklist! Why must he jinx it by adding that damn “Get Jack Laid” to the list every big job we take?!’

“Hey, hey buddy.” Came an eerily familiar whisper on his echo. “Are you awake kid?”

“Who-?”

“WAKE THE FUCK UP!” Came a yell from the voice on the echo before a VERY masculine minotaur appeared in hologram form. “I NEED YOU TO DO SOME SHIT!”

“WHO DARES TO AWAKEN THE GODDESS OF THE MOON IN SUCH A CRASS MANNER?!” Luna bolted up, glaring with glowing white eyes at the hologram as Jack covered his hurting ears and Aurelia was jolted awake, falling to the floor off the side of the bed.

“THE GOD OF MOTHER FUCKING EXPLOSIONS, THAT’S WHO!” Torgue shouted over the echo as his muscular hologram flexed and posed. “MISTER TORGUE~ MEDLEYOWMEDLEYOW WOOOOOW~!” The minotaur finished with an air-guitar solo.

“Oh! Mr. Torgue! How has it been?” Luna asked casually before realising she was naked, and quickly covered herself with the blankets. “TAKE THIS ELSEWHERE JACK!”

“R-right! Right!” Jack panicked, not wanting to get annihilated by both the Pandoran moon goddess and a dragoness that was dangerously looming up from the other side of the bed, fire at her teeth as he jumped out of the bed and quickly digistructed a pair of shorts on as he exited the hotel room with the hologram of Torgue following..

“SO LITTLE GUY, YOU GOT A NICE BIT OF TAIL! TOO BAD THEY MIGHT BOTH KILL YOU!” Torgue shouted at Jack, congratulating him and also scaring the crap out of him. “SO, I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU TO DO, AND YOU’RE GONNA DO IT! OR YOUR OFFICIALLY A DOUCHEBAG!”

“Okay, okay! Geez, it’s not like I have a choice! When a Company Head demands something you get it done.” Jack gestured for Torgue to continue, only for the minotaur to grab at his long mane in frustration.

“I’M THE GOD OF EXPLOSIONS! NOT JUST A MOTHERFUCKING COMPANY HEAD! I AM TORGUE!” Torgue yelled even louder than his last message. “ANYWAYS, I NEED YOU TO GET YOUR ROBOT FRIEND! AND I DON’T MEAN THAT HYPERION NOT-A-TOTAL-FUCK-UP I GAVE THE FRAGGER V2! I MEAN THE BADASS WITH THE AWESOME BEARD! I HAVE SOMETHING FOR HIM, BUT FOR SOME REASON HIS ECHO IS OFF!”

“Off? Still? I thought he turned it back-oh~! He got laid! He doesn’t keep his Echo on when he’s doing those sorts of-.”

“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT! HE WENT OFFLINE AFTER THAT WHOLE PORTAL BULLSHIT!” Torgue yelled. “I ONLY KNOW HE’S A FUCKING ANDROID NOW BECAUSE OF YOUR ECHO! HIS ISN’T IN THE GODDAMN SYSTEM! GO GET HIM SO I CAN GIVE HIM THIS BADASS TOOL IN RECOGNITION OF HIS BADASSITUDE AND HIS DEVOTION TO HIS DREAM TO BECOME A MOTHER FUCKING ROBOT!”

“Okay, okay! Geez, I’m going...holy shit, it’s cold out here!” Jack complained as he walked towards Trixie’s shop/home.

“DUH! IT’S THE MOON! YOU SHOULD’VE GRABBED A JACKET ON THE WAY OUT!” Torgue scolded, getting Jack to grumble about stupid gods and their stupid power in this Corpocracy-run universe.

[Trixie’s]

“Trix? Wil? Hello?” Jack called out as he entered the magic shop without any trouble. Trixie’s security might’ve been pretty good, but for a techie like him it was a simple matter of-

“STOP STALLING! GET YOUR FRIEND ALREADY!” Torgue demanded, and one of the cheap little knick-knacks decorating Trixie’s counter was inexplicably annihilated in a tiny explosion.

“What was that?!” Trixie’s voice called from the door leading to her home proper, and she ran out topless in her rush and complete disregard for modesty, and huffed in annoyance. “Again Torgue?”

“WHERE’S YOUR ANDROID SEX TOY? I HAVE SOMETHING FOR HIM!” Torgue replied, not caring about her broken little decoration as she rolled her eyes and magically restored what she could of the blasted-to-hell little bauble.

“He’s not a toy, even if the concept is kinky. Wilhelm! Get out of the bathroom and come speak to Torgue and your friend!” Trixie called back into her home as she pulled the shirt she was holding over her head.

“Torgue? What does he want? We haven’t done anything specific that should’ve gotten his attention.” Wilhelm commented as he shamelessly walked out from the private part of Trixie’s place, totally nude, but not at all obscene with his absent genitalia, making him seem more like an extremely anatomically correct android than anything else.

“Whoa, Wilhelm?! Dude, looking awesome!” Jack complimented, honestly impressed with his friend’s new body. “I’m still kinda angry you went through it so impulsively, but eh, you look good. But I thought you didn’t want to lose your ‘little Will’.” Jack

“Jack. I WILL pull out my dick and slap you with it if you keep talking like that.” Wilhelm warned. “Trust me, you WON’T like it.”

“Considering he’s easily a foot and a half long and three inches thick.” Trixie grinned victoriously as she moved to the chair behind her register. “Trixie hasn’t been laid so thoroughly in ages.”

“I’m surprised I have that much room in my abdomen….” Wilhelm mused as he looked at his blank groin. “Is it digistructed or something?”

“Yes, Trixie believes it appeared and disappeared in such a fashion. Perhaps you even have...alternate versions?” Trixie licked her lips at the thought, and Wilhelm blushed as he shrugged with a grin. “Regardless, you’ve been rather quiet Torgue-.”

“BECAUSE THIS SCENE WAS TOO PRECIOUS AND CUTE TO INTERRUPT! AWESOME ANDROID DUDE! CONNECT TO THE ECHONET AGAIN AND I WILL TRANSMIT COORDINATES TO A FUCKING BADASS WEAPON WORTHY OF YOUR BADASSITUDE!” Torgue demanded, and his hologram stopped projecting from Jack’s Echo.

“I’m not connected?” Wilhelm asked in surprise as he pulled up his Echo menu, seeing a ‘no signal’ sign. “Huh...weird. I think it’s set to other Jack’s system. Let me mess with it real quick.” Wilhelm moved his hand across the menu, and soon he-

“FUCKING FINALLY! HEAD TO THESE COORDINATES!” Torgue shouted over Echo again, and Wilhelm nodded at his map.

“It’s out on the Flats, better go, a Torgue Delivery Rocket is bound to draw any of the scavs that came out of the queue overnight.” Wilhelm commented as his clothes digistructed back on.

“We’ll have to stop by the hotel, I left all my clothes there with a pissed-off in-heat Luna and an irate Baroness.” Jack commented before looking at Trixie, taking a good strong whiff before cringing. “Uh...good luck you two.” Jack quickly left, leaving Trixie and Wilhelm to blink, and Trixie to gasp and hide her face in her hands.

“The Cycle! Oh, Trixie is an idiot!” Trixie groaned and then leaned back to looked down at her abdomen between her boobs under her tight shirt. “Trixie must’ve kicked on a day early from being so aroused, and the estrus was scheduled to start today. The fact Trixie isn’t pouncing you this minute is because she already sated her body’s need.”

“Trixie, it’s okay. I’m not about to up and ditch you if anything happens.” Wilhelm ensured. “Hell, even if something doesn’t, I’m sticking around. You’re actually the only mare I’ve met who preferred a metal limb over an organic one.”

“Well that is comforting. Trixie expects help raising foals.” Trixie glowered but sighed weakly in resignation. “Oh well, Trixie was hoping to settle down...but Trixie also was hoping it wouldn’t happen at such a bad time of danger as this whole situation with Helios. You better save Trixie even more now. New-U can’t preserve a fetus….”

“All the more reason for me to get going.” Wilhelm moved to Trixie and kissed her on the cheek. “You find a way off this rock and to another system if you have to, in the meantime I’m going to go kick the Legion’s ass.” Wilhelm then ran out of her shop, and the mare sighed as she leaned on her counter.

“Well Trixie, you really know how to pick them.” Trixie said wistfully as she began to worry about the future for once.

[Triton Flats]

“So we’ve got to activate the Stingray module for the Zoomie system to reach, ugh, Pickle, and we also have that rocket to reach for whatever it is Torgue wants to give you.” Jack summed up from what he got from a call from Angel, who was locked in Nina’s Clinic since she was starting to get heated like every mare and dog on Elpis and Pandora, about the situation. “It’s a good thing and a bad thing though, this Estrus Cycle. Since the dogs are synched with the mares from being in such close proximity for so long, the Legion is going to be just as preoccupied with it as us.”

“Except every Legion soldier we’ve fought was a guy.” Wilhelm mentioned from his spot up on the turret of the zoomie that was being driven by Jack. “I think Zarpedon planned for it. She seems to be the only babe I’ve seen in the Legion involved in this. Wherever they’re based out of, they’ve probably left all the bitches there so they don’t ruin the plan.” Wilhelm mentioned. “I think it’s standard military protocol to leave the females at base. Not sure. I just know that’s how the Vladof army works. Smart for heat periods, not really for everything else.”

“But that means Zarpedon is in heat too. That bitch will be addled if anything, she might even have her SIC take over for her.” Jack growled, this whole anthrofied version of Borderlands was making predicting events much more difficult. “As it stands, you, I, Fragtrap and Aurelia are the only ones able to function, and the only reason Aura isn’t in heat too is because I boinked her brains out and got it out of her system.”

“I see. Well, what about-”

“People of Elpis.” Zarpedon suddenly broadcasted, and her slightly panting, flushed face, and sweaty brow were indicative that she was, very much so, in heat too. “W-we inform you that the poor timing of this operation, a-and the, oh gosh...the...GET OUT OF HERE HELLHOUND!” Zarpedon roared, and there was some noise in the background sounding like apologies and a door shutting. “Damn it...now I’m...mmph...ugh...you have some time. Be glad. That...is all….” Zarpedon hung up, clearly about to lose it.

“Yeah...she’s totally in heat. And she’s not too old either so she’s really receptive right-.”

“People of Elpis.” A different voice, one they only heard once before in a heated battle, came on the Echo this time, and the face of Hellhound was on the receiver. “This is Commander Hellhound of the Lost Legion. Due to my commanding officer’s current state, I will be taking over this operation until the Cycle ends. You have twelve hours before our technicians have Helios operating again. We will resume firing at that time. You have until then to evacuate, we will not stop any ships leaving the system. That is all.”

“Well then. That’s pretty lucky for Trixie, I guess. She has time to figure out how to escape and where to go.” Wilhelm stated. “And before you ask, Jack, yes. I probably DID knock her up. You probably knocked up Aurelia and Luna, too.”

“Luna, yeah, but Aurelia? She said she wasn’t-.”

“Um...Cabana Boy?” Aurelia suddenly called. “Um...I have some...awkward news...um...needless to say you...might be a Baron of a planet soon….” Aurelia suddenly hung up, and Jack groaned.

“Great...dragon babies...with a bitch.” Jack bemoaned, but he had to admit, when Aurelia let her more feral side out, she was a hot number in body and personality. “Well Wil...I think I know why we may have been put in Jack and Wilhelm’s place on a more cosmic existential scale. You and I are more likely than them to settle down.”

“Hey, Jack might be a love-and-leave-em type, but Wilhelm was a bit too bitter about his childhood to leave any kids be. Besides, wasn’t Jack an orphan?” Wilhelm asked as they pulled up to the garage that Springs had informed the others of. “Also, John and Roland better be someplace out of Concordia, or they’ll end up dads too...or, well, a double-dad in John’s case.”

“Pfft, double-dad! That sound’s like something ridiculous, like a multi-bear.” Jack climbed out of the zoomie, not at all worried since it seemed the few scavs around were too nervous to open fire. It seemed Nisha and Aurelia put the fear of death in them for a while.

“Hey, don’t mock the multi-bear.” Wilhelm said. “Gravity Falls was a great show… Ah, how I wouldn’t love to find some poor guy who got Displaced as- SHIT!” Wilhelm ducked just as a HUGE piece of scrap got sent flying at him.

“GET OUT! Athena’s MINE!” Came the angry yell of Janey Springs from the atmo of the garage entrance. “You’re fine, Jack. But HIM! You get away from this place before I cut your bloody head off! Ever since Trixie made up with her and she’s gone into heat, she’s been trying to get with her! And that means with YOU! NOW GET!” Janey chucked another huge piece of scrap at Wilhelm, who casually dodged it.

“Not really sure what that’d do now… Considering I’m an android…” Wilhelm said calmly.

“Even worse! Athena’s preference for females isn’t going to stop her from pouncing you, especially since you likely smell like Trixie!” Janey shouted angrily, the childbearing-hipped roo waving a wrench around threateningly.

“But I’m out-”

“I SAID LEAVE!” Janey yelled again, this time with enough acid in her tone to melt an army of robots.

“... I’ll just…go get that Torgue delivery rocket…” Wilhelm said, slightly freaked out from Janey’s anger.

“Okay, you go do that. Now why am I alright though? I mean, if she’s in heat, I’d set her off just as well even if she’s gay.” Jack said as he entered the garage entrance, the other door was closed but not locked.

“I know, but that’s why I’m even out here. Athena needed me to help keep her from jumping the first male roo or otherwise she encountered and someone needed to get the Stingrays up and running that wasn’t completely lost in a haze of lust or being stuck pleasuring someone who was in said lust.” Springs said irritably. “I don’t get you ponies, you and your stupid biology. Your populations just keep spiking every year, leaving us more sensible folk out of homes and jobs.” Janey rolled her eyes. “Hell, your stupid Estrous Cycle gets other races like dogs, taurs, and other heat-cycle species set off at the same time. No wonder this time of year the whole damn universe revolves around sex and reproduction.”

“Hey, to be fair, as a guy, I appreciate your sentiment. I’m more than likely going to be a dad now, and it was because we were busy and got caught with our pants down...literally.” Jack shook his head, wondering what having a foal with a Goddess and eggs with a Baroness would pan out, since such positions can’t just leave him be without shaming themselves.

“Well as a sensible roo with superior taste, I can say that if there was some sort of drug or something that could actually succeed in suppressing the equine estrus cycle, the economy would have some time to balance out.” Janey started a conversation as she led Jack to a few crates and sat down. “I mean, it’d give us heatless races a chance to catch up too. It’s no wonder ponies are the majority when they outnumber most other races two-to-one, aside from the horses I mean, they’re just as bad if not worse.”

“Oh~ yeah. I’ve been to Poseidon. Damn horses are way worse. It’s like their society is based around sex. Mares often walk around nude, by choice, and stallions are...eugh...it’s a pervert’s paradise, but trust me, you try a mare there, you will be beyond tired, and beyond scared of what they can do in bed.” Jack replied, and Springs looked very interested in the dirty details.

And so it was that Jack and Janey became very good friends, talking about girls.

[With Wilhelm]

Wilhelm ran and jumped tirelessly across the flats, just as fast as the moon zoomie that Jack had been driving. ‘Being a robot, so, fucking awesome!’ Wilhelm grinned, but gagged a bit when his sophisticated olfactory senses let him get a good whiff of the nearby methane pools. ‘Blech...like shit...I’ll have to learn how to turn some functions off, or down at least.’ Because even in vacuum, shit stank. Shit stank no matter where it was. The only saving grace for liquid methane was it’s use for Cryo.

“I SEE YOU’RE AROUND THE COORDINATES I GAVE YOU! FIRING DELIVERY ROCKET!” Torgue suddenly declared as epic electric guitars suddenly began playing.

“YOU DIDN’T FIRE IT YET?!” Wilhelm yelled right as the delivery rocket came into view, forcing Wilhelm to jump epicly out of the way moments before a violent impact that sent debris everywhere.

“YOU SURVIVED! YOU HAVE PASSED EVERY REQUIREMENT I HAVE TO HAVE THE ULTIMATE IN ANTI-PERSONNEL AND ANTI-VEHICLE WEAPONRY! BEHOLD!” Torgue declared as the rocket opened up down the center epicly, revealing a rocket launcher that did NOT look like a Torgue weapon, despite that most of it was using Torgue parts.

“... Is that a Norfleet? There’s only 5 of these! Why do you have one?! That’s a Maliwan Legendary! Those cats are extremely territorial on their tech!” Wilhelm questioned in surprise.

“IT’S ACTUALLY A ONE TIME COLLABORATION BETWEEN MY COMPANY AND MALIWAN!” Torgue happily yelled. “I TOLD THEM I SAW AN EPIC POTENTIAL IF THEY GOT RID OF NORMAL ELEMENTS FOR SOME OF THEIR DESIGNS, AND THEY SAID THEY WOULD LOVE TO DO IT! WE CALL IT THE SUPER NORFLEET! CHECK IT OUT!”

“Super Norfleet?”

“NO! IT’S ALL IN CAPS! IT’S THE SUPER NORFLEET!”

Wilhelm took the launcher in his hands and started checking it over both manually and at the stat card. It looked like a normal Maliwan Norfleet, just made with Torgue parts, but there was a couple things different about it… Such as how it did a ludicrous amount of damage. “THIS IS A PEARLESCENT?! AND IT’S EXPLOSIVE?! THE SHIT?!”

“TRY IT OUT! I WANT TO SEE IT IN ACTION!” Wilhelm promptly put it on his shoulder, and aimed it at some rocks.

“Um… Okay…” Wilhelm said, pulling the trigger… only to receive a clicking sound. “... The fuck?”

“OH...Thats right….” Torgue actually lost his exuberance. “Uh...okay, serious talk. I’ll get the Maliwan Ceo on the line, I think she said something about a security feature for it to prevent just anyone from using such an overpowered weapon on anybody.” Wilhelm patiently waited as an actual ring began sounding over the line, and soon an incredibly hot and shapely white tigress answered, not even her business suit hid her species’ naturally shapely allure.

“Hello again Torgue. To what do I owe the ear-shattering pleasure?” Wilhelm remained silent, nervous. The felines that originated from Persephone were very sharp-witted, and short-tempered. The fact that this one even allowed Torgue to speak with her said volumes of her patience, but he had an ultimate rarity weapon on his hands, and she could very well be the only one who could unlock this sexy beast for him.

“Uh, hello Felicia. I granted the, ahem, Super Norfleet to someone who can handle it, but I forgot about the safety lockout.” Torgue’s genial and even tone, and even not using a shouting voice for the SUPER NORFLEET as he demanded before told Wilhelm to stay quiet for damn sure unless spoken to.

“Is that right? Well, it would need a proper battlefield testing. Who is the recipient?” Felicia asked as she adjusted herself in her chair, her large exposed cleavage jiggling as she fanned herself. Clearly even she wasn’t unaffected by the universal heat cycle.

“Wilhelm the Enforcer.” Torgue calmly informed.

“That pony? Hm...he could be the sort of ultra-violence we would need to test such a deadly weapon. Very well.” Suddenly, the SUPER NORFLEET chirped, and the ammo cylinder span as it revved up. “There, it should be usable now, just as a warning, it is much more concentrated in spread than the usual model, so let Mister Wilhelm know not to rely on it’s spread. Also please warn him of how it takes twice as much ammo to fire as a normal Norfleet, which is why the ‘clip’ is so big.” Felicia paused for a second before continuing. “And Mister Wilhelm?”

“E-er, yes?” Wilhelm asked, a bit worried that she noticed he was on too when he had remained quiet, must’ve been the SUPER NORFLEET had ratted him out with it’s chirping.

“Please do not try to cheat the system by using a normal Norfleet’s clip to reload the launcher. It was not meant for that.” Felicia warned. “Please only use the digistructed clip that forms when you’re meant to reload… And Torgue, tell him how to dispose of the old clip. I have a meeting to get to. Oh, and Torgue?”

“Yes ma’am?”

“I expect you in my private office in a few hours.” Felicia breathily stated with a rumbling purr.

“Y-yes ma’am….”

“Good, Felicia out.” She hung up, and the two males remained silent for a moment.

“SHE IS SCARY AS ALL FUCK, AND I DIG THAT!”

Author's Note

Oh~ no! The Cycle has thrown everything for a loop! The Crew is effectively cut in half!

Things just keep getting more complicated!

RIPped Up Dust Up!

[Shock-Drop Slaughter Pit]

The trio of Vault Hunters entered the derelict Dahl compound with caution, guns up and wary. “Looks like the console is busted.” Jack muttered at the sight of the main console’s holographic projector having been smashed, the console itself full of bullet holes and even partially melted by acid. “Someone clearly didn’t care for the system’s sass, knowing these old Dahl systems.”

“That looks like it used to be a standard TR4NU Dahl training attendant. My database says they had a rather amusing speech module.” Fragtrap commented as he moved to the oddly convenient ammo, weapon, and medical vending machines to the right of the room. “Oh good. I’ve got a lot of junk to sell.” Fragtrap opened his Echo, and suddenly jolted. “Whoa! Right! Hey Wilhelm, I still have the Thingy that giant kraggon dropped!” Fragtrap took out the green Scav Thingy. “My VaultHunter.exe program may be improving itself, but I don’t feel comfortable with rocket launchers yet.”

“Sweet. Give it here.” Wilhelm said as he held out his hand for the weapon. He looked it over a bit and messed with the scope on it, then ceremoniously fired it out into the storage area that was opposite the vendor area, watching as the projectile blew up an old forklift and melted the remains. “Love this thing.”

“Do you seriously need so many Legendary rocket launchers Wil? I mean, isn’t having the Nukem enough for you?” Jack asked in annoyance as he moved to the vending machines too, starting to go over his equipment to review what to sell and keep. Pickle can wait a few more minutes. If the scavs were going to kill him they would’ve done it already, or at least they’re waiting for drama. Scavs and bandits love drama. “Besides, you’re running out of rockets.”

“Care to correct yourself?” He said as he swapped it out for the SUPER NORFLEET.

“No, because that means you’re using even more rockets, you don’t have rockets for days Wilhelm. You’re not Alexander Anderson.” Jack deadpanned as he fed crap guns into the digistruct intake of the gun vendor, his Echo absorbing the cash pouring out of the transaction panel.

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t use a rocket launcher anyways…. Also.” Wilhelm then proceeded to pull out an absolute shit-ton of rockets from his Echo. How the fuck he had so many when the normal cap is 32? Meh. “Now, you were saying?” He said as he quickly digistructed them back into his Echo. “Seriously, did you forget? Luna did that thing for us?"

“Oh~! Right! That’s why my HUD is all funky with the reserve ammo count.” Fragtrap commented as he looked between the Dahl minigun he got from Springs and a Vladof spinigun. “Burst-fire wall of death, or Higher rate of fire overall with higher base damage? Hm….”

“Oh yeah~! That’s great. Makes killing things easier.” Jack then compared his old Vladof TMP with a Scav Frosty Over-Drive. “Can’t believe I’m even saying this, but the Scav gun is actually better.” Jack groused, tossing his old pistol into the vendor. “I mean, how the hell does a scav manage to make a Purple rarity gun? Let alone a Legendary like the Thingy?”

“Fuck if I care.” Wilhelm says as he pulls out his Striker and quickly sharpens the blade attached to it on his arm.

“Eh, whatever. Let’s go kill us some worthless scavs, save an annoying little shit, and get on with saving Elpis.” Jack stretched as the three Vault Hunters walked out of the preparation area, through the thoroughly destroyed storage area, and got on the elevator down to what had to be the facility’s training area. “Ready to kill some dumb idiots?”

“Can we get pancakes afterwards?” Wilhelm asked absolutely randomly.

“Pancake?! PANCAAAAKE!” Fragtrap suddenly screamed in a lower distorted voice in excitement, only to suddenly slump over. “No Pancake! No pancake…!”

“Whoa! Uh, Frag, you alright?” Jack asked as the elevator reached the bottom.

“Huh? I’m fine. I feel like something just happened, but everything is A-OK!” Fragtrap cheerfully declared as the three walked out into the airless box canyon filled with catwalks and buildings over a pit that had glowing electricity-arcing crystals at the bottom with plenty of cooked corpses smashed and speared on them.

“Weird ass place, am I right?” Wilhelm said as they walk over the bridge where a Lunatic poked his head out of a nearby door.

“Who dares mock my Shock-Drop Slaughter P-?!”

“I mock it.” Wilhelm said as he blasted the scav with his Striker.

“Thanks, that guy was an asshole.” Came the distorted voice of RIP, and the trio looked up to see a massive hulk of an anthro-skag wearing nothing but a vest, bandoleer, and shorts with an Oz kit who was silhouetted by Helios and Pandora just as Helios fired another of its weaker laser blasts and he howled before his Title Card appeared. RIP: He’ll rip you a new one!

“... Great. Another crazy person. When the fuck are we going to find someone who’s not batshit insane?!” Wilhelm yells, clutching his head and threatening to pull out his artificial hair.

“When we’re not on the border worlds?” Jack asked rhetorically before looking back up. “Hey! You! Uh...dog? Skag? Whatever. We need Pickle alive! Could you give him to us so we don’t have to kill you and all your idiots?”

“Ha! You’ve got some brass balls kid, I’ll give ya that! But if you think you’re hot shit, then have a workout! Boys! Stop dicking around and get your filthy asses to work!” RIP ordered as he ducked into the overseer tower, flicking switches and opening doors and hatches as the manic cheering of rabid scavs echoed out.

Wilhelm, without a single word, switched his legs out for loader legs, took a massive, rocket assisted jump, and shot the SUPER NORFLEET at the oncoming wave of scavs, absolutely annihilating them. As he landed, he changed his legs back and blew off the tip of the weapon. “Stop fucking around and just give us the kid.”

“...Well shit. Uh...this is kinda unfair to the boys. Now they’re stuck in the medivac cue for hours...hm. So. You want the brat?” RIP asked, flipping switches and a crane moved up from the pit, revealing Pickle dangling from the hook by cables and feebly wriggling high up in the air.

“Cool. Now lower him and we’ll be on our way.” Wilhelm demanded.

“Naw, I think I’ll just leave him there. Boys? Now have fun.” RIP declared, and the scavs again rushed out, only this time more warily, many of the saner ones getting behind cover and firing on the Vault Hunters, who moved to do the same.

“With the cat blender out in the open, we can’t use our explosives!” Fragtrap complained as he poked half his chassis around the corner of a crate and sprayed bullets at the oncoming lunatics.

“Who said we can’t?” Wilhelm asked, hefting his launcher back over his arm. “Seriously. We can just get John to expedite Pickle’s respawn.”

“Pickle doesn’t have an account! Stop!” Angel called out frantically. “He’s just the orphan son of a couple of dead Dahl Workers, he’s lucky he’s even still alive!”

“Damn it!” Jack snarled, pushing Wilhelm’s epic SUPER NORFLEET to the side. “Great, this just got harder. Guess it’s back to standard gunplay.” Jack huffed, aiming down the scope of his maliwan sniper rifle to headshot one of the scavs behind cover.

“Not really.” The android said as he whipped his glitch shotgun out and began capping the scavs coming their way.

“Wah!” Fragtrap yelped as a chunk of his outer chassis was indented by a heavy shot that depleted his shield. “VaultHunter.exe activated!” Fragtrap declared, all the damage to his chassis fully repaired and he waved his flappy hands about. “I cast haste on your guns! Magic bullets!” Fragtrap declared, and the groups guns sparked, the effect becoming obvious when Fragtrap emptied his entire Spinigun clip in barely a few seconds, turning the whole oncoming wave of lunatics into chunky salsa.

“Calm down, little buddy!” Wilhelm shouted as he tried to get his gun back under control. He had a sudden thought and whipped out his glitch sniper, which immediately went yellow as he quickly began mowing down scavs with the abomination. “THIS IS AWESOME!”

“Oh what the fuck! Sniper Rifles aren’t meant to be machine guns!” Jack complained as he summoned some digistruct copies. “Alright boys, have at em!”

“Who needs a hero?!” The duplicates declared as their wrist lasers began joining in on the bombardment. Soon enough, the entire wave of scavs were decorating the pit with blood, guts, and giblets as they slowly began digistructing for medivac.

“Oi! You three are right badarses!” Pickle declared cheerfully, making the three wince at his grating high-pitched voice. “You see that RIP? You’re gonna die too! Haha-*SNORT*-ha!”

“You little shit, if you don’t clap that trap I’ll drop you back into the pit!” RIP roared as he continued to work the console, summoning more of his minions.

“Not if it hurts you, you drongo!” The kid squealed with glee. “I’m helping, guys! See?”

“Please kid. Shut up. You’re bothering us, too.” Wilhelm said, cringing a bit as he missed a few scavs.

“Oh, sorry! I jus-”

“I WILL RIP OUT YOUR PICKLES AND SHOVE THEM BACK INTO YOUR MEAT HOLE IF YOU DON’T BE SILENT YOU IMPUDENT PIECE OF SKAG DUNG!” Fragtrap screamed out in a heavily distorted deep voice which, honestly, sounded almost exactly like RIP to be honest.

“Woooaaaah. Buddy. Calm down.” Wilhelm said as he stopped firing to pat the robot on the head.

“I am calm! I am the most calm- whoa! What happened? Why did everything suddenly get dark?” Fragtrap’s voice suddenly returned to normal halfway through.

“Okay...bro has some serious defragmenting to do on your software when we get a chance to rest again.” Jack commented before throwing a longbow grenade at a group of scavs, causing them to scatter, only for it to detonate into several child grenades, blowing them to pieces.

“What do I pay you meatbags for?! Kill them already!” RIP demanded as he threw open some levers, releasing the last few doors and increasing the number of scavs once again even while the Vault Hunters jumped to a more defensible position on a roof as they kept firing.

“You don’t pay us any-!” The dissenting scav was quickly melted by a burst of corrosive SMG fire from the control tower, and the rest of the scavs kept fighting for their brutal boss.

“Alright. Fuck this.” Wilhelm said as he whipped out several grenades and tossed them at the scavs, following them up with shotgun rounds to those that survived. This combined with his compatriots finished off the remaining thugs. “Alright, get your ass down here. We already know what’s going to happen, so how about you make your trip to the New-U nice and quick.”

“Well, you did kill my whole crew. You’re definitely Badass enough. Alright then, you’d better be worth the hassle.” RIP then jumped down from the tower, snarling as he took out a triple-barreled corrosive shotgun and pumped it. Title Card, RIP: Our Pun/Reference Generator!

“Soldiers. Angel said you needed me to...damn it, RIP, what are you doing?” Roland’s Echo card came across the top right of their HUDs, the griffon tom looking a little ruffled.

“Uh...fighting Badasses?” RIP asked in bemusement as Jack, Wilhelm, and Fragtrap awkwardly looked at each other and then back at the scav boss they were about to fight a moment ago.

“You started another gang didn’t you?” Roland asked with weariness in his voice.

“Um...no?” RIP replied sheepishly, making Roland sigh.

“RIP, put the gun away and help the Vault Hunters.” The trio all had to blink at Roland outright ordering the scav to help them.

“But...our vacation! I was gonna take over Elpis one scav gang at a time and show Brick who the real Big Guy of our group is!” RIP whined as he gestured around at his now empty slaughter pit.

“Vacation time was over when the Legion started firing a giant laser at Elpis.” Roland’s answer was punctuated by Helios firing another, slightly longer shot into the moon. “Or did you really think that wasn’t anything to be worried about?”

“...Damn it.” RIP snarled, putting away his shotgun and standing in a more relaxed pose, his staggering 7-foot height only mitigated by his natural slouching posture. “Fine. What is it you need? At least you’ve proven yourselves to be Badasses before Roland decided to be a stick in the mud.”

“Well, we need the kid for a moment.” Wilhelm said, putting his own guns back into his Echo. “He has info we need.”

“What could the brat know that you need?” RIP questioned as he casually grabbed the cable of the crane and started hauling Pickle up manually.

“He knows where we can find a military AI.” Jack answered. “Not the killbot here though, he doesn’t count.”

“Say that after I take out my Flakker II!” Fragtrap declared in his distorted deep voice that sounded like RIP’s as he took out said huge shotgun, it looked like a standard Flakker though the barrel seemed a bit more streamlined.

“Little buddy, you need some defragmenting and maybe a little time to yourself.” The android said, pushing the gun down. “Preferably before you end up becoming a final boss that we have to put down in the DLC.”

“FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! I WILL-” The bot was silenced by Wilhelm switching him off.

“How the hell did you manage that? Claptraps have no off button, part of why nobody can stand them.” RIP asked as he pulled Pickle onto the platform, slicing off the duct tape holding him to the hook with a claw.

“I hacked his systems. Why do you think I had my hand on him this whole time?” The manly android responded, looking at them like they were weird, crazy, or homophobic. “... What, did you think I was robo-sexual for him? Fuck you guys, nothing comes between a bro-bond.”

“Naw, I get it. Brick and I have a similar relationship. He gives me belly scratches and I bring him rakks.” RIP shrugged before nudging Pickle towards the group. “Well, here ya go. One fairly disgustingly whitney dill Pickle.”

“Geez mates you were right-!” Wilhelm held up a finger, interrupting Pickle before he could get going.

“Hold up. You don’t have a New-U, right kid?” Wilhelm asked, seemingly indifferent for the moment.

“Uh, no. You gotsta ‘ave dosh to buy even a cut-rate account mate. I don’t really ‘ave the capital for that out ‘ere.”

“Right, well, merry robot-hanukkah. Come with us.” The android said as he started walking back towards the nearest station.

“Are you buying him an account Wilhelm? I mean, that’s nice of you, but where is this coming from?” Jack asked as he used his magic to levitate the shutdown Fragtrap behind him, RIP following curiously.

Wilhelm said nothing as they all walked over to the machine… While in secret, he was talking to Angel on a private comm channel. The second they’re at the machine, he actually spoke.. “Alright, Angel. Let’s get this show on the road. He’s near the station.”

“Already on it. It’ll be a bit.” She responded, sounding somewhat… Unnerved. “How about you get that info you need in the meantime?”

“Yeah, hey Pickle. Springs says you’re the guy to talk to about finding a military AI?” Jack asked the little roo, who perked up visibly under his thick spacesuit, his ears practically straight up.

“Oh yeah! The Drakensberg is where you need to go! It’s an old Dahl warship, crashed even before the Crackening some say. It’ll definitely have a shipboard AI you could rip off if the Bosun and his Skipper haven't managed to do more than bargain with it.” Pickle informed the group, causing a directional indicator to pop up on their Echo maps.

“... What’s the catch?” Jack asked warily. Pickle seemed the thrifty and shifty sort.

“Well… You can’t just walk into the Drakensberg. It’s-”

“Kid, how would we if we *could* get there?” Wilhelm asked flatly and impatiently.

“Oh, well my house is-”

“Where is that?” The android pushed further.

“Well, there’s that far New-U on the opposite end of that kraggon-hole you just came thr-”

“Great. Angel, is it ready yet?” The android asked their ‘helper’.

“Yes, but please don’t-” Angel is cut off as Wilhelm unexpectedly pulled out his Striker and capped Pickle in the face before the kid could even react, splattering his head over Jack and RIP in a gloriously bloody shower of helmet, skin, blood, bone, and greymatter before it started to all digitize.

“I can finally hear myself think! Oh my god!” Wilhelm shouted as he dropped the gun, letting it digitize back into his echo.

“Wilhelm what the absolute fuck is wrong with you?! This is-! This! ARGH! Get over here!” Jack ordered, grabbing one of Wilhelm’s ears and tugging the larger stallion over to a corner away from RIP, somehow managing to do what his normally puny strength could never do.

“What? Fuck him. He has an account now.” Wilhelm huffed as he rubbed his ear. Damn Faust does good work if he can feel a residual sting from having his ear mistreated like that.

“James.” Ryan snarled, the air getting tense and quiet. “This. Isn’t you. This isn’t the guy I played games with for years and went to a convention with to somehow have our minds stuffed into these bodies with! You’ve MURDERED several people lately! Not bandits, not scavs, not self defense or even something vaguely justifiable. You have blatantly committed wholesale homicide on defenseless targets!”

“... I’ve killed three non-hostiles… wait, four. Four non-hostiles.” The android says, remembering that one drunk guy at Crisis Scar.

“Four too many. You killed them for amusement! You killed them just because you wanted to or because they just annoyed you! That’s the behavior of a goddamn serial killer, not a professional one!” Ryan hissed through grit teeth.

“Jack, calm your ass down. The only two I’d even consider amusement were those two wannabe basketball guys, and even then it wasn’t fun, let alone for it.” Wilhelm insisted.

“Then you had even less reason. The next time you even seem to be thinking of it...I’ll fucking shoot you myself.” Jack growled, walking away, leaving Wilhelm to stand alone in surprise. “Get your ass in gear Wil we have innocent people to save!”

“Ryan. Ryan. I know what you’re thinking, and I want to squash it right now. I’m not a serial killer, and I’m not becoming one. I know how far out of left field I’ve been, but I’m also kinda recovering from my brain fucking melting from the implants my body had. Or do you seriously not remember that shit? From what I’ve learned, what those bits were doing to my head could have made me much worse, or do you not remember that Wilhelm?”

“That’s no-”

“I don’t think you truly realize how close I was to that. Would you like to see the scan of my brain before the other Jack had his bots replace my entire body?!” He asked before immediately pulling up a scan of his quite obviously deteriorating brain. “That’s my brain. That’s what was happening to it because of the shoddy implants.”

“Yeah your whole frontal cortex was practically dead, you had to have a CPU installed to compensate your- Oh… Right.” Jack said, coming to a sudden realization. “That’s where your self control and ego are…”

“Uh huh. Luckily, I’m recovering a bit from that, but unfortunately, I’m also bound to ‘glitch’ morally with that. So you want to continue to lecture me on the bad behavior that I’m desperately trying to control?” Wilhelm nearly yelled, at a point that Jack would be able to tell that if he were still human, he’d likely be crying.

“Yes.” Jack declared with a leer. “If you’re still having trouble, it’s my damn job as your engineer and friend to keep you in check.” Jack firmly declared, holding out a fist. “Now c’mon. We’ve got work to do buddy.”

Wilhelm openly accepted the fistbump, then pulled Jack into a tight hug…. Only for it to be interrupted by RIP and Fragtrap clapping and causing the two to look over at them with a pair of glares. “Aaawww, this is making me miss Brick.” RIP whined with a bit of joy.

“I wanna be part of this bromance~! Wah~!” Fragtrap, who had somehow rebooted himself declared before being set back offline by Wilhelm snapping his fingers.

“Whoa, that’s magic! How’d you that again?” Jack asked as they broke the hug.

“I set a remote off switch in his CPU. Now let’s get him somewhere we can help him.” The android said, breaking off the hug so he could go pick up the shut down robot.

“That’d be Concordia, but with that laser getting back online We don’t really have much time to relax. Also, the babes are still hunting for the D.” Jack answered as they neared the damaged fast-travel station that would send them on their way, but couldn’t receive travellers.

“Fuck it. We’ll deal with it when we get there.” Wilhelm says calmly. “Besides, we already know a good spot to hide out. Now let’s go.”

“You guys go on ahead and do that. I’ve gotta get in touch with Roland and start organizing my affiliate scav gangs for any major operation if it helps save Elpis.” RIP informed them, before grunting and holding out a green Vladof spinigun that was fire element and had the red Vladof star above the pistol grip. “Ah, hold up. Here, for the trouble.”

Jack looked to check with Wilhelm, only he’d already left through the fast-travel. Shrugging, Jack approached the anthro skag and accepted the gun. “Whoa...what the hell?” It was a Unique, like the Black Snake. It was nearly a pure Vladof gun in regards to only a couple of pieces being homebrew custom bits. It even had red-flavor text stating Come on in...Ol’ Painful is waiting. “This your work?” Jack asked as he sighted the gun down the hall and was shocked when out of the barrels came red lasers instead of bullets. “Holy shit! But this isn’t a laser gun!”

“I know right? Found that laying around up here. I asked around, nobody knows who made it or where it’s from, but the fact it converts normal bullets to lasers is incredible. It’s no Legendary, but in my experience, it isn’t always the Legendary gun that’ll win the day.” RIP sagely imparted his wisdom before pulling out his Echo and dialing a call. “Yo, Brick! You would not believe the Badasses I just met….” RIP’s voice weakened as he walked back out to the pit.

“Don’t I know that for sure.” Jack quietly said to himself as he caressed the beautiful gun in his hands. “Wait til John gets an eyeful of this baby.” Jack slotted the Ferocious Ol’Painful in place of his bayoneted Jakobs rifle he’d gotten from Springs in his preferred use storage deck slot cluster. That done, he activated the fast-travel to Concordia, his vision turning into an electric-blue tunnel of 1s and 0s.

Author's Note

I think we're gonna be able to manage this people!

I don't know about DJ, but I am HYPED for Borderlands 3/whatever-they-name it likely to come out this year in 2019. I swear to gog, please, let the Boring Company Flamethrower be put in the game and have a red flavor text mentioning it's sentience and a safe-word.

Query For Your Mainframe!

[Concordia]

When Jack digistructed back together in Concordia, he blinked at seeing it seem so empty. Well, emptier. “Whoa, talk about a ghost town. Usually there’d be a few loiterers around or people going somewhere.” Jack commented to himself as he looked around, seeing every shop on the top floor was now closed besides Nina’s Jab-n-Go, the Bank, Moxxi’s Up-and-Over, and Spring’s Emporium of Stuff. “At least the essentials are still here.”

“H-hey! Good to see you back.” Jack turned to see Springs in the doorway of her shop/home, the wide-hipped big-butt roo clad in just a pair of black panties and a casual white T-shirt, looking like she’d just come back from a long jog with how disheveled she was. “How’d it go with Pickle?” Janey asked as Jack jumped the short distance between the fast-travel station and her shop in the convenient low-g Concordia’s public spaces were left in.

“Uh...well, he told us where to find an AI. But Wilhelm-.” Jack yelped as Wilhelm suddenly slammed into the ground near him.

“I acquainted him with the respawn system, so to say. Blame my decaying brain being shoved into a new mechanical one causing glitches.” Wilhelm said, crossing his arms as Springs shrugged.

“Eh, the little ankle-biter is annoying as hell. At least Wilhelm was nice enough to buy him a New-U account.” On that, Jack could agree. “So where’s your next target?”

“It’s the onboard AI of the Drakensberg.” Jack’s words made Janey hiss a breath in through her teeth, her ears flopping back. “I’m guessing it’s kind of a dangerous place?”

“That’s like saying kraggons are ‘kind of’ deadly. Besides Redbelly and this new scav boss RIP, the Bosun who rules his scavs out of the Drakensberg has the biggest and deadliest crew of Scavs on Elpis. Fleets of old Dahl jet fighters, heavily armored and armed scavs with jetpacks, and more old Dahl firepower than you can shake a stick at.” Springs stated before she sighed and leaned against the doorframe, rubbing her lower belly and looking tired.

“It’s not like we’re not used to that now, Jack.” His android companion sarcastically commented.

“We’ll deal with it like any other threat out there; with a lot of bullets. Athena wearing you out?” Jack asked in concern for his recently acquired friend.

“You have no clue. She’s got me ready to go arse over tit. We’ve been screwing for hours now and she’s still hungry. I may have been stranded alone with a massive ladyboner for a long time, but even I’m getting tuckered out.” Janey groaned as she massaged her core. “Hot damn though if she isn’t liberal with the toys in bed. Seems to get off on me getting off too.”

“Wow, she’s a keeper. Just make sure you get plenty of rest while you can between sexcapades.” Jack insisted before warily peering past her into the shop. “Uh, is it safe for me to be here?”

“Do we even want to know if it’s safe to go back there?” Wilhelm asked as he shifted Fragtrap’s unresponsive body around.

“Huh? Oh, sure. I’ve been tail-banging her so hard her body is a bit confused, thinking it might be in the process of getting proper banged-up.” Springs moved her tail up, revealing how damp a good length of it was, causing Jack to blush and Janey to smirk. “You’re not the only one who gets to have interesting adventures in bed.”

“Well that’s good for those of us with male body parts. But I see the place has gotten pretty empty. Did the evacuations already happen?” Jack asked as he gestured around the unusually empty central concourse of Concordia.

“Yep. The moment Zarpedon’s lackey said it was okay for people to escape, they dogpiled into old shuttles and cargo haulers headed for the nearest civilized space stations towards the core.” Springs sniffed in distaste. “A good half of those muckers didn’t even need to evacuate what with them having New-U accounts. Bloody cowards.”

“At least that gives us space to mess with our little buddy, here.” Wilhelm says, holding up the still offline Fragtrap.

“Janey~!” Athena’s husky voice called out and Springs groaned as she turned around, giving Jack and Wilhelm an eyeful of how inadequate those panties were for the roo’s huge muscle-dense peach-shaped ass and again making Jack uncomfortable since she wasn’t into males while Wilhelm simply took a mental and literal picture and left it alone.

“I’ll be right in you beaut! Sorry lads, I’ve...eyes up here lad.” Jack squirmed as he valiantly managed to obey the lesbian roo’s demand to stop staring at her sexy ass and she smirked. “Thanks for the compliment to me arse, but don’t make a habit of it.”

“Sorry. I am a straight stallion after all.” Jack sheepishly scratched the back of his neck. “Good luck with that griffin. You’ll need it.” Jack joked as Springs walked back into her office which had a trapdoor to her personal bedroom. No idea why Concordia was so oddly built, then again it was a Dahl colony. “Okay, so Wilhelm, any idea what to do with Frag besides take him to John?”

“I’m… actually going to go into his head and see if I can’t sort things out with him and whatever’s causing all the glitches.” Wilhelm said, hefting the offline bot over his shoulder. “You go talk to John. I’m going to go find a place to do this privately so I don’t get jumped by one of the horny bitches. I’ll call ya when I get out of his head.” He said before walking over to the fast travel and taking the jump pad right in front of it.

“Well okay then. I hope he’s got Nisha under control and the Meriff is gone with the rest of the citizens without New-U.” Jack muttered to himself.

[???]

“... The fuck is this place?” Wilhelm asked no-one in particular when he was met with oddly cheery, upbeat music…. It was honestly a bit off-putting. He walked about for a while, eventually coming to a strange junction. “Uuuuh… Where now?”

“Helloooo Digitized Traveler! YEAH!” Said a fake blue hologram version of Claptrap in the digital area, he even got a Title Card as he jumped into the air. CL4P-TP’s Consciousness: I’m a feature!”

“Oh god damn it.”

“I am this Unit’s Consciousness, ego, and higher functions!” The fake says with a still happy voice.

“Oooooh god damn it.”

“You’re not authorized to be here, but the system isn’t reacting negatively. Oh! Want to reach the Nexus? It’s where all of my system functions are routed through.”

“Hold on.” The digitized android said as he started trying to call Angel.

“Hello again Wilhelm, out murdering more-whoa...where are you?” Angel asked, her tone going from disgusted to curious in an instant.

“Can you get me an admin password real quick? I’m trying to fix Fragtrap.” He says, a little impatient.

“Fix him? Wilhelm, that’s a task not even I or dad could manage. He was considering something drastic like sending in mercenaries to manually debug his system it’s so bad.” Angel huffed in annoyance. “I love the little guy like he’s a little brother, but he’s pretty dang crazy, especially after what dad did just shoving the VaultHunter.exe into him like it was a standard app.”

“Yeah? Well I’m going to. Now can you get me a password or not?” He said, actually impatient this time.

“Sure, here, have several.” At Angel’s words, about a dozen key-like drives appeared in the air, making CL4P-TP look surprised.

Claptrap’s consciousness tried to grab at least one, but Wilhelm managed to grab all of them out of the air before he could grab a single one. “Now, would you mind taking me where I need to go to fix this hellhole?”

“Caaaaaan do…as long as you let me have…ooooooone of the codes?”

“No.”

“Aw….”

[Meriff’s Office]

“Do I want to know?” Jack asked his older, half-naked brother who was in just his pants, his shirt and jacket in pieces all over the desk with Nisha naked save her hat and tied up in the office chair that was moved to the side, the tan pegasus mare not at all angry and smirking around her ball gag.

“Unless you’re comfortable talking about your older brother’s sex life? Uh, how about no?” John sheepishly smiled before clearing his throat. “Alright, so, what’s the word? I was sorta...occupied when you guys got your next heading.”

“Well, we need to assault a crashed Dahl battleship; the Drakensberg, and take it’s AI unit.” Jack stated simply. “Any word on any other fronts? Or has the cycle killed all momentum otherwise?”

“Well, despite some setbacks.” At John calling it a setback, Nisha laughed around her gag and wiggled her eyebrows at him. “Roland has managed to outrun his marefriend long enough to establish that the Titan Industrial Facility is still in good enough condition to crank out robots with a bit of finessing.”

“Well that’s good, but we still need the AI before we can get to work on that.” Jack then looked at Nisha, who was leering at him as much as his brother. “So...uh….”

“Yep. Definitely pregnant. Off the roster. It’s up to you and the other badasses not screwed over by instinct to save Elpis. Well, and Pandora too. The planet wouldn’t exactly survive a cataclysm of this scale.” John stated with dead seriousness.

“Oh. Well, then why is she still here and not on a transport off the moon?” Jack asked with a scrunch of his snout.

“Because, unfortunately, she decided to stay, find me, and make hot sweaty sex while the last shuttles left. Luna and Aurelia are in the same boat because they’re too stubborn for their own good.” John sighed as he shook his head, then looked over at the chair in the other corner that had actual shackles holding Angel to it while she was completely unmoving with a cord plugged into the implant at her left temple. “Luckily for Wilhelm, Trixie had the common sense to get off this rock. Speaking of which, where is the big fella?”

[The Nexus]

Shotgun blasts rung out in the area that Wilhelm found himself in. The poor android fighting for his life inside this robotic hellscape from the ‘Insecurity’ forces as he kept feeding admin passwords to the massive six-armed claptrap Sys Admin.

“WHY IS IT REJECTING THEM?!” Wilhelm yelled at the top of his lungs.

“I DON’T KNOW!” Angel screamed back as she kept dumping new passwords on him.

One of the passwords finally read correctly, and the Sys Admin stopped shoving them into its giant shredder. “Oh. This one is good… Buuuut, I’m still gonna send more guys at you while I verify this.”

“WHY?!”

“Because they need to be purged from the system anyway.”

“OH, FUCK YOU!”

[Office]

“No~....” Angel murmurs in annoyance from her place in her chair. “Stupid...Sys Admin….”

“Aw, she’s having a hacker battle with a system somewhere.” John smiled lovingly before looking back to his brother. “So he’s managed to wirelessly hack Fragtrap. Oh. I don’t know if that’s safe. For Wilhelm that is.”

[Nexus]

The quarantine of Fragtrap…wasn’t anything that special. It was basically a data vault with a high security firewall in the center, a black, cubic core just beyond it.

“...What’s in there?” Wilhelm asked the consciousness that would not stop following him.

“Oh that? That’s what’s been corrupting my systems!” He says as a small bit of black shoots out of the firewall and past the other defences. “Hmmm. I know! If I open it up, maybe you can delete it!”

“WAIT WAIT WAIT, NO!” Wilhelm shouted as the consciousness attempted to open the quarantine…resulting in them getting denied. “Oh… Well that works, then.”

“There’s no way in or out of quarantine. Except for one.” A deep voice says, eerily distorted and familiar, resulting in a Title Card as a black claptrap with a horizontal visor eye is revealed in the quarantine cube. 5H4D0W-TP: Ominous Much? “The override key.”

“And I trust you why?”

“Because if you get in, I get out.”

[Office]

“Well before I go do anything else, this big skag guy gave me this weird gun.” Jack took out his new Ol’Painful and held it out to John, who looked it over. “It uses bullets but shoots lasers.”

“Whoa, seriously? And it isn’t a laser gun?” John fired it at the fishtank, melting a hole in the glass, pouring water onto the floor. “Holy shit! That’s awesome! Hold up, I’m calling a friend.”

“Who is he?” Jack asked curiously.

“Hey Ivan. My little brother Jack found something interesting. Yeah! I know, I have a brother! I just found out yesterday! Yeah, here, I’ll put him on.” John pinged Jack’s Echo, and soon the Echo card in the upper right appeared, revealing a brown bear with a claw-like scar down his left cheek wearing a traditional ushanka hat that many members of Vladof wore, but this one had it’s front embroidered in more intricate heraldry than just the Vladof star.

“Hello Jack. I Ivan Vladof, President of Vladof Corporation. Comrade John say you have interesting gun?” Ivan Vladof, one of the most powerful people in the galaxy and founder of one of the megacorporations running said galaxy casually asked, so Jack quickly held up the gun. “Oh? That look like attempt to copy Legendary Shredifier design.” Ivan hummed.

“I guess, but it shoots fire element lasers instead of bullets.” Jack declared, aiming at the already ruined fish tank and spraying bolts into it.

“Это невероятно! I must have weapon for R&D! I will buy for 1 Million Dollars!” Ivan declared excitedly, and Jack perked up at the money, but then looked longingly at his recently acquired swiss-cheese maker. “Ah, I see eyes. Not worry, I will have it returned with speed. The money Vladof Corporation make from design worth losing such lovely weapon, once we’ve figured out how it work.”

“Well...Wilhelm would kill me if I passed up on such an opportunity….”

[P4ND0R4]

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S ‘DENYING YOU’?!” Wilhelm yelled at Angel as he fired off what he is now calling the most annoying gun possible since it had that brat Pickle’s voice shouting annoying garbage like ‘pew pew’ and such nonsense.

“I mean it’s denying my hacking! Just beat the damn thing to death already!” Angel shouted back as he fought the giant holographic thresher.

“I never killed anybody!” The thresher somehow shouted at him.

“LOVE TO, BUT THIS GUN IS SO ANNOYING IT’S MAKING ME NOT WANT TO USE IT!” He yelled as his gun shouted out pew pew noises and begged him to reload it. That wasn’t suggestive.

“I don’t deny everything!” The thresher screamed, followed by the gun telling him to shoot it.

“Just throw the damn thing at it and switch out your arms!” Angel summoned arrows pointing at his shoulders.

“...Y’know, I honestly forgot I could do that for a second.” Wilhelm said as he broke the laser rifle over his knee, unfortunately making it digistruct into his Echo as he swapped out his arms for various Loader arms.

[Office (Totally not a sex dungeon)]

“Well that was a thing. I’m a million bucks richer, in the bank so the New-U doesn’t eat it all up if I die. I’m going to get another niece or a nephew in nearly a year, and I found out my niece has weird dreams about tentacles while she’s plugged into the Echonet.” Jack summed up his visit with a snort of amusement as Angel muttered about tentacles and pickles.

“Yeah, she’s...got some weird fetishes.” John defended awkwardly. “Well, I’m glad Ivan took a shine to you. He might even let me bring you on our next hunting trip.”

“Hunting with the president of Vladof. I thought I was already in the big leagues, and now I’m friends with the head of a megacorporation. Wilhelm is gonna be so jealous.” Jack snickered.

[Nexus]

“GOD DAMNED BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH! I THOUGHT WE WERE PAST THIS!”

“I THOUGHT IT WAS A MYTH!”

“OF COURSE IT’S NOT A MYTH, WHAT ARE YOU, FUCKING STUPID?!”

[Office]

“Well, I’m gonna be off then. I’ve gotta go find Wilhelm and see about heading out to the Drakensberg.” Jack stood up from the desktop he’d been sitting on since there wasn’t another chair. “I’d give you another hug bro, but you still have aroma ala Nisha all over you.”

“It’s cool little bro, I get it. I’d untie her since she’s definitely got the urge taken care of, but I think she gets off on bondage.” John nervously looked at his new marefriend, who seemed to be struggling in an intentionally false way. Wriggling wouldn’t really do much with the knots he’d done on her.

“Okay. Well, I hope it doesn’t turn out bitter. Nisha, treat my bro well.” Jack nodded at her only for the chair in the corner with Angel to jolt loudly.

“Guys! I lost contact with Wilhe-What are you doing? Why are you looking at me like that?” Angel asked as her father and uncle paled so much even their yellow fur whitened.

[Sub-Sub-Conscious]

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE?!” Wilhelm yelled, regarding the absolute amalgamation of… wherever the fuck he had found himself. “AND IT ONLY GETS WORSE!” The area around him started turning from some cotton candy hellscape into an MC Escher paradise…Then into glitch hell. “FUCKING NO!” He yelled as he pulled out a rocket launcher he had…appropriated from the code and proceeded to fight through waves of viruses that had been sent at him by the double-crossing Shadowtrap.

[Office]

“And that’s what I was doing. What, did I mumble in my sleep?” Angel asked, curious as to their looks of terror.

“Angel. Pumpkin. Please lay back down, and log back into the Echonet.” John calmly insisted, following Jack in backing away towards the door, all while Nisha giggled in her own corner.

“Oh, right! I’d better get back…*sniff* in…there. Why do you smell so bad?” Angel asked her father, cringing a bit at the smell and wrinkling her snout.

“Hug me bro! Quick!” Jack shouted, hugging his older brother who quickly rubbed his arms over Jack’s back.

“Oh stop it. I don’t need two bad smelling guys near me. Take a shower, both of you.” Angel scrunched her nose and then looked at Nisha who was hysterically laughing into her gag. “Oh, that explains the smell. Gross. You better not be as bad as Moxxi or I’ll lobotomize you.”

“Okay, we’re good. Thanks Nisha, your musky sweat has saved the day. Okay, now that that’s avoided, you go pick up your friend Wilhelm little brother.” John sighed in relief as Jack calmly left the office to find his partner.

“IT SAVED NOTHING! I’M STILL PARTIALLY PLUGGED INTO THE ECHONET, YOU MORONS!” She yelled at them as she struggled in her chair, the brothers running for their lives, only for the security field to lock them in the room. “You two are assholes, you know. Wilhelm is fighting for his life and you’re worried about avoiding getting screwed.”

[The Cortex]

“FUCKING CHEAP ASSHOLE!” Wilhelm yelled as he fought off waves of digital scavs, bandits, and teleporting Shadowtrap copies. “FIGHT ME LIKE A REAL ROBOT, YOU HUNK OF SCRAP!” In the next moment, he was punched by the dark robot and engaged in a fistfight with the program as Claptrap’s Consciousness decided to show up and sing/beatbox duel of the fates.

[Concordia]

“Willhelm! Where are you?!” Jack called out, jumping into the air with the jump pad, valiantly fighting off the impending panic attack caused by it to look around the rooftops. He would’ve used his Echo to track him, but they weren’t in a ‘team’ since they went to separate ‘cells’ however the Echo justifies what a ‘cell’ is. Also, he ran off before he could hear anything that could be construed as a ‘task’ to be tracked, so that was also his bad.

Jack then jumped across the rooftops to get to the top of the Meriff Office which was the highest point in the city, and sped for the utility box on the spot jutting out over the rest of the town. “Intruder detected! All intruders on government property are to die immediately!” Cheerfully declared the female auto-attendant as turrets popped up around the utility alcove.

“Seriously?” Jack complained as he lobbed a longbow mirv between the turrets and ducked behind cover, listening and waiting for the explosions and turret fire to cease. Once it was over, he rushed across to the alcove to find Wilhelm slumped into the wall, a thick cable running from the back of his head to an open panel in Fragtrap’s back where his ‘Class’ Mod was usually slotted. “Okay, so...what do I do now?”

[???]

“Join with me Claptrap! Together, we will finally bring stability to this fragmented unpatched mess of an OS! Your memories will be restored, and we will become a force of death and destruction that this universe has never seen before! Together, we will kill all of those lying scheming backstabbers you call ‘friends’ and then move on to exact our vengeance upon all those who looked down upon us for doing what they programmed us to do!” Shadowtrap held up a servo. “All you must do, is seal the deal with a simple high-five.”

“We’ll really kill them all?” Claptrap asked as he approached the much larger and more corporeal robot.

“Yes~. All of them. Each, and every, one.” Shadowtrap practically purred as they neared, their arms held high and ready to seal the pact, only for Claptrap to pull back. “What?”

“But...but they’re my friends! They’ve worried about me, fought alongside me! Those other jerks I don’t care about, but my friends? I can’t hurt them.” Claptrap insisted as he crossed his arms.

“What?! But they’re no different! They’ll give you hollow praise and then stab you in the back like everyone else ever has! Every task you’ve done, met with scorn and disgust! Everything you’ve ever attempted, mocked and set up for failure! So then why would you side with these assholes?!” Shadowtrap demanded, gesturing towards Wilhelm.

“Listen buddy, if I wasn’t his friend, why the fuck would I fight through all that bullshit, just to kick him while he’s down?” Wilhelm reasoned. “That makes no sense!”

“YOU make no sense! Nothing you’ve done fits in the parameters that everyone else has so easily slotted into! You and that unrealistically handsome unicorn have both defied all logic!” Shadowtrap snarled as he shook his chassis side to side.

“PANCAKE! PANCAAAAAKE!”

“SHUT UP MADTRAP!” Shadowtrap, Claptrap, and Wilhelm all demanded.

“No pancake. No pancake….”

“Listen. There are no parameters you can just easily slot everyone into. I’m Claptrap’s friend, and so are the rest of our group. Except maybe John. John’s kind of an ass.” Wilhelm said as he stepped forward.

“I view him as a godlike father figure.” Claptrap rebutted cheerfully.

“You do you, little buddy. I’m not gonna change your mind about that.” Wilhelm shrugged before looking back to Shadowtrap. “I’m not going to force things, but I’m not going to let you corrupt my friend so easily. So either change your mind, or cut the shit.”

“Besides, if we splice together, we won’t just be you and I anymore.” Claptrap sagely stated. “It scares me, I won’t lie. But you care. Why else would you go so far to try and help me? Even if it hurt, even if it was so confusing.”

“That...is true. When we fuse and complete the installation of the Vaulthunter.exe, you and I may no longer exist. Something new could come of our union.” Shadowtrap turned to Wilhelm, looking at him intensely. “Perhaps...perhaps I have been too hasty. Whatever comes of it, can I count on you then? Count on you to protect whatever TP unit comes out of this?”

“Hey, what do you think I’ve been doing already?” Wilhelm said with a large smile. “Just, let me unplug before you merge. I don’t want your OS accidentally trying to fuse mine in there. I mean, we’re friends, but I don’t like you like that.”

“Hm, that would be a real risk. Your connection does feel vaguely familiar to a TP OS, so it’s best if you disconnect. Farewell Vault Hunter.” Shadowtrap stated, holding up a servo for the high-five, Claptrap eagerly waiting to reciprocate this time.

“See ya around, ya bucket of bolts.” He said with a laugh, quickly disconnecting and heading back into the real world as the sound of a metallic clack echoed in his hearing.

[Concordia]

Wilhelm woke back up and immediately yanked the cable connected to Fragtrap’s mod slot. He took a few deep breaths, then started scanning his environment, surprised to see Jack staring at him. “What?”

“Angel mentioned tentacles, the mythical Blue Screen of Death, and a freaky land of cotton candy and repressed fears.” Jack huffed and crossed his arms. “Honestly, the fact that even an advanced science-fiction universe like this one can’t escape the BSoD is disheartening.”

“I know, right? Worst bit is that since I’m technically a computer, it nearly killed me!” Wilhelm said as he pushed himself to his feet. “... Damn, I could use a burger or something, maybe a drink. That whole adventure was just...bullshit.” At this, suddenly Fragtrap bolted to full height on his wheel.

“Unit FR4G-TP reporting for duty! This unit is now stable. Awaiting orders.” Fragtrap stated, looking at Wilhelm and Jack in silent anticipation. “Standing by.”

“Uh...Wil? Is he okay?” Jack asked in concern.

“Yeah, he’s fine. Clappy, don’t you think you should be taking a bit more time to reboot after all that?” Wilhelm asked curiously.

“Full system reformat piggy-backed processing power from your system before you disconnected.” Fragtrap informed factually and without hesitation.

“You abused my connection?! ...That’s actually pretty smart. Please don’t do it again.” The android pleaded.

“No promises. Unless you upgrade me with a newer processor...maybe a stronger motherboard...I could use new RAM.” Fragtrap’s voice became more and more like his original one, but less overly enthusiastic. “I could go for a full upgrade to be honest. But that’s for later, my firmware will have to hold up to the task at hand. Where to fellas?”

“Ugh...Cabana Boy.” Aurelia’s face and voice came on over the Echo, sounding exasperated. “My brother Alistair has had the gall to contact me for a job, but when I explained why I am unable to do it he...insisted I put the job forward to my new fiance….”

“... Jack, did my audio receptors just glitch, or did she just call you her fiance?” The android asks.

“No, you heard right. She’s pregnant with my children.” Jack groaned as he rubbed the bridge of his snout.

“I get she’s pregnant, but when did you and her become a couple?” Wilhelm asked the unicorn with a very unamused expression. “Wait, is that what she meant back before I got that awesome launcher?”

“Yes. I have legal obligations to fulfil in regards to the conditions of my ownership of the resort planet Aquatos. One of which is that if I find myself with eggs in my belly, I had best either abort the pregnancy, or marry the father. My mother put in that clause because she’s so damn controlling. Even beyond the grave she torments me!” Aurelia snarled. “But, Jack is far from an unpleasant option for a suitor. I’d rather keep him around than go through the painful procedure of having these eggs terminated.”

“Couldn’t you just commit suicide or get killed and rezzed by New-U?” Fragtrap asked, considering the well-known fact New-U cannot preserve a fetus.

“Did I not mention that the procedure was painful?” Everyone nodded at that, because anyone who had the displeasure of being respawned by New-U knows it is pure agony distilled, but like the system snarks: ‘the only thing worse than respawning, is not respawning’. “That said, Alistair has a job for you.”

“So, congrats buddy. I’m gonna sit this one out as it has absolutely nothing to do with-”

“Hello old chaps.” Came the refined voice of a bush-hat wearing brown dragon. “I have a potentially lethal and somewhat illegal proposition for you.

Author's Note

Eeyup. :eeyup: The Claptastic Voyage condensed into a single chapter of snippets and done solo by Wilhelm/James/DJ while Jack just talked shop and made serious buckaroos. 💵

Super Norfleet! Apply Directly to Problem!

[Concordia]

“DAMN IT WILHELM YOU GOT MY DAUGHTER PREGNANT!”

“Dad! I’m an adult! I get to make my own decisions!”

“YOU’RE FUCKING PREGNANT!”

“And?! Wilhelm’s awesome in bed!”

“Angel!”

“He is! Besides, I can do a lot more with him than-”

“LALALALALA!” John yelled with his fingers in ears as his daughter droned on about it. The stallion paced the Meriff’s office, refusing to look at his daughter except when he would turn to yell back at her.

“... I’m honestly amazed he hasn’t tried to sink a bullet in my head yet.” Wilhelm said as he and Jack enjoyed some popcorn. “... Shut up, Felicity, I’ve been offline to do that long enou- I know you’re horny. Let me enjoy this.”

“Shouldn’t you unplug her now?” Jack asked, slightly concerned for his friend.

“I’d love to. But I can’t. She won’t get out.” Wilhelm explained as he slumped over in his seat and shoveled a large handful of popcorn into his mouth. “Felicity, stop searching through my subroutines to find the controls to my dick… or my sleep button. I’m warning you before I turn my protocols back on.” Wilhelm continued to look quite annoyed. “... You asked for it…. I gave you a warning!”

“Okay, that’s enough. I’ve had a long day yesterday, a long night. It’s too early for this shit, and we have things to do. EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Jack screamed, making everyone pause. “Angel, pull Felicity out of Wilhelm so she stops screwing with his systems. John, deal with it, your daughter is a mare, not a filly. Wilhelm… choose more responsible times to be a stud.”

“... You act like I can just stop. I honestly did not choose to do any of this.” The ‘stud’ responded.

“Considering you’ve been dry for a long time before recently? Yes. You could have totally avoided all of this right here.” Jack gestured the the drama in the room.

“... You act like I’m purposefully causing this just to have sex. I’m really not. Frankly, I was fine with Trixie.” WIlhelm declared with certainty.

“Trixie feels like she was being talked about. How is everyone without her presence?” Trixie’s Echo card appeared in their HUDs, and Jack smirked.

Wilhelm glared at Jack. “... I fucking hate you, Jack. Trixie, we’re all fine. We’re just trying to get shit under contro-”

“This asshole got my daughter pregnant!” John yelled.

“John, what did we talk about?”

“Oh. So Trixie has a new half-sister? Wonderful!” Trixie declared cheerfully.

Wilhelm groans. “We have the AI we need. Said AI is slightly rampant thanks to some asshole scav, and thanks to that same scav, she’s somehow on the cycle.” Wilhelm explained. “The AI rendered me offline for a bit so I could try to deal with her, and Angel decided to jump into my head as well.”

Trixie blinked and scratched at her chin. “Wait, if it was digital, how did you manage to knock her-?”

“SO before John decides he wants to attempt strangling me, how about we get back to work, and you go buy a fucking pregnancy test for your daughter instead of going off what she’s saying.” The android barks out, mumbling the word dumbass under his breath.

“... Trixie believes she is going to go now. Please call Trixie back later.” The mare said before hanging up. With the distraction gone, all eyes fell on Angel and John for their response.

“Okay, fine. I’m not actually pregnant.” Angel huffed.

“Oh thank gosh.” John sighed in relief.

“It was just a lie I was telling everyone… mainly myself, though I did want to freak out dad. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back into the Echonet before my body realizes what’s up.” Angel said before doing just that, an angry look on her face from having to admit the truth.

“Guess she’s lonely. Probably why she has so many pets. Speaking of which, where’s Amy?” Jack asked, looking around for his pet Jumbuck.

“... You mean the thing we got off that drunk moron I shot?” Wilhelm asked with a flat, somewhat agitated tone.

“Yeah! I sent her here for her safety, where’s the adorable little rock lizard?” Jack asked his brother who sighed in annoyance.

“I sent her to my home for safety. Nowhere on Elpis is safe right now. Now, Roland did manage to find evidence that not only is the Titan Production Facility working, but the scavs there are even using it to make Stingrays and old Dahl powersuits.” John’s words were punctuated by Angel jolting in her chair and Wilhelm relaxing. “Also that it’s very hard to escape a horny siren who gets off on violence.”

“Ha. He got fucked.” Wilhelm laughed. He’d feel a sudden surge back in his head as Angel came on the Echo.

“Alright, I just gave Wilhelm Felicity back. She should be stable now, and hopefully not want a round two.” Angel informed everyone, seeming a bit flustered.

“Hello. Terribly sorry about that, by the way.” Felicity said as she came on the Echo as well. “I must say, it was… Not fun being the Bosun’s fake squeeze… Actually made me feel quite dirty for the longest time, but I should be fine now. Thankfully AI cannot propagate from… ‘data exchange’ or we would have a separate problem.”

“Thank goodness for that, the last thing we need is our combat AI being pregnant too.” Jack muttered before turning to leave.

“Oh yes. That is the worst possible thing.” Felicity said flatly.

“Dude. Really?” Wilhelm said just as flatly as he jabbed Jack in the arm.

“Look, you can figure out how to have adorable digital puppies with your new girlfriend later. Right now, we have a fucking moon to save. Sorry if I’m on edge.” Jack’s statement was punctuated by the moon shaking. This laser blast seemed worse than usual. “Kay, time to go!”

[Triton Flats]

“Are you sure this is necessary? I mean, couldn’t Wilhelm just fly us there?” Jack asked as he parked his Stingray next to Wilhelm’s, walking up the stairs towards the train platform elevator.

“As much as that’d be fun. No.” Wilhelm said flatly.

“This train is the only way there besides flying, and how else would the scavs be able to get there with no space for landing ships at the facility?” Felicity added on with certainty.

“We may have to disable some anti-air. Fuck if we know.”

“Eh, whatever.” Jack huffed as the elevator reached the top of the train platform. “Huh, seems Nisha and Aurelia passed by here, those Shuggurath nests are looking pretty ruined.” Jack’s comment was rather apt, every Shuggurath nest they’d come across had been blown to hell with the opening stuffed with junk and rocks where possible.

“Crazy pregnant bitches knew what to do.” Wilhelm said as he took out the SUPER NORFLEET to polish the massive weapon.

“That’s rather a shame though. I remember Dahl used them as a source of Spice.” Felicity commented as the group neared the console next to the track. “Plug me in, I’ll summon the train.” Wilhelm took Felicity’s AI core out of his Echo and plugged her into the console.

“Train incoming maggots!” The console declared, with that Wilhelm put Felicity away.

“Hey Fragtrap, you’ve been oddly quiet since we left Concordia.” Jack asked of the little robot, who hadn’t spoken since they met back up.

“...Ah. Fragtrap has messaged me. He just had new RAM installed, it’s having a time adjusting to his system as he searches for the drivers to his voice modulator.” Felicity informed the two stallions, who nodded in understanding.

“Yeah, that kind of thing can be a bitch.” Wilhelm added, understanding the situation a bit too well. “I could help you out if you need it, buddy.”

“Fragtrap says he’s got it in hand.” Felicity passed on to them as the train arrived.

[Titan Industrial Facility]

“This place has a serious pest control problem.” Jack commented with disgust at the massive Tork nests all over the place, literally wrapping around and into the rusting metal Dahl facility. “This is nearly as bad as the canyon, but at least that place has the excuse of being a natural habitat.”

“I think you’re too focused on the problem that you’ve forgotten the solution.” Wilhelm said as he shouldered the SUPER NORFLEET and readied a spare clip on his belt. “You may want to cover your ears.”

“Hoo boy….” Jack winced as he pulled out fluffy pink earmuffs and covered his sensitive equine ears while Fragtrap folded his arms into his chassis and hunkered down. Several massive explosions later, and Wilhelm would give him a thumbs up. Somehow, he had managed to destroy all of the Torks and Tork nests in the area, without breaking any of the buildings or structures the nests used to be attached to.

“Done.” The android said, smiling as he blew the smoking barrel of the launcher.

“Not to burst your bubble stud, but I’ve managed to wirelessly connect to the facility’s old surveillance system, and it’s crawling with Torks.” Felicity reported with a shudder. “So disgusting.”

“Eh, that’s kind of expected, I’m more impressed with how I kept everything intact.” Wilhelm said with a smile.

“Dahl is known for their sturdy construction.” Felicity stated with pride as the group moved onwards, Wilhelm blowing up the next area’s disgusting accumulation of Tork nests, the abominations helplessly joining them in destruction. “I hope you’ve brought enough rockets, the area after this garage is the worst off.”

“Hey, this stupid door is jammed!” Jack complained as he tried to pull up the garage door that led further into the facility, only for him to be knocked back by a Badass Tork Dredger bursting through said door, spraying Corrosion everywhere. “SHIT! It’s on my pants!”

“Oh yes, like that’s the worst thing possible.” Wilhelm said, a bit of corrosion on his face, which was luckily blocked by his shield.

“These jeans are not acid-wash!” Jack complained moments before Fragtrap perforated the Tork with a spray of bullets from his spinigun.

“They are now.” Felicity joked, which got a chuckle out of Wilhelm.

“Screw you guys. Well, if it’s even worse out there, can you go ahead and-owie!” Jack complained as a small personal lockbox fell from the rafters, and when it opened it somehow ejected a long noodly snake-like head that fell neck-first onto Jack’s head. “The hell?!” Jack shouted in shock, yanking it off and throwing it onto the floor.

“The absolute fuck is this?” Wilhelm said as he picked it off the ground, the thing flexing in his grasp. “... Looks wiggly.” Wilhelm put the helmet on, then proceeded to headbang, making it wiggle absolutely everywhere.

“You look like a total dork.” Jack snickered in amusement, then looked at the small lockbox with a wince. “Well, that’s morbid.” Jack commented, pulling a helmet out of the box with a skull inside of it.

“OH HEY! That’s what happened to it!” Called a random, masculine voice. A figure covered in black armor with what looked to be bone spikes covering it. He had what looked to be the mouth of a rather large black, spikey monster covered in chains on his back “I was wondering where it went!” The figure yanked the helmet off of Wilhelm’s head and immediately put it on. “Thanks for finding it, friends!”

“... Who the fuck are you?” Wilhelm asked, a bit miffed that the man ruined his fun.

“And why do you look like a Bunkers and Badasses Roleplayer?” Jack asked in curiosity.

“A what?” The figure asked, completely confused. “... Anyways, thanks for finding my helmet. Uh… Oh! Here. You can have this gun I found.” He pulled out a Dahl Pistol covered in what looked like fresh blood. “It… Kinda showed up when I lost my helmet… Gave me a good bonk on the head.”

“That gun looks cursed. Can I have it? Oh! My voice modulator is synced up!” Fragtrap declared, his voice slightly less annoyingly tinny.

“Uh… Sure little… box… thing… Are you a robot?” He asked as he handed Fragtrap the gun.

“Yup! I’m FR4G-TP!” Fragtrap declared as the man was suddenly swooped away by a rather large and derpy looking ostritch dragon thing. “Well that happened.”

“GOD DAMN IT!” Came the scream of the man as the bird pulled him deeper into the facility.

“Well that was… Certainly a thing.” Wilhelm said with a somewhat annoyed tone.

“This gun is called Gwen’s Other Head. I have to wonder where Gwen’s Head is.” Fragtrap commented, completely unfazed by the weird BnB guy being taken by a mutant bird.

“I’m probably holding it.” Jack deadpanned before tossing the helmet-wearing skull to the side. “Okay, can we get back to-.” Wilhelm interrupted him by firing the SUPER NORFLEET out the door at the first visible Tork nest, the tightly clustered trio of ultimate explosive destruction making short work of the disgusting creatures and their homes.

“Alright.” Felicity said as they came to a stop in front of an even larger garage door. “I should be able to get us through this next area quickly if I can just hack-”

“Already done. Walk on through boys.” Angel commented, cutting off Felicity. The door opened up, letting them head right on in.

“... I feel like we just avoided a massive headache.” Wilhelm said as he put away his launcher, which was smoking pretty heavily. “Good thing, too. I only have a couple clips of my launcher left. Might also be overheating the weapon. Better write a report to Torgue and What’s her name.”

“That will not be necessary, keep up the good work Mercenary Wilhelm.” Felicia, the President of Maliwan purred for a moment on the Echo, and then promptly signed back off, likely too busy to actually carry a conversation, but wanting to get that bit of business out of the way.

“... Oh right, she collects info on the fly. Forgot about that.” Wilhelm remembered.

“Oi! Who let you in?” A scav that was working on a Stingray asked, standing up and scratching his head. “You the ones making all that noise? You kill the torks?”

“Yeah. We’re exterminators. Now let us through or we’ll be dealing with a different kind of infestation.” Fragtrap said as he cocked his Flakker II.

“What my hasty little robot pal means, is we need to get to the robot factory in the back to make a robot army to fight those Dahl dogs.” Jack informed him, only for a couple of scavs in the back to growl.

“Oi! Those the fucks makin all the noise?!” One of them demanded, the one who was more polite sighing and rubbing the bridge of his snout.

“I swear to god, if you guys don’t shut the fuck up, I’m just going to blow you all up.” Wilhelm threatened as he pulled out his still smoking launcher.

“Please do.” Felicia cooed over Echo.

“I am ready to rumble!” Fragtrap declared, his mystery shotgun which nobody has seen fire yet aimed in the general direction of the scavs.

“Oi! Can we bloody not? They’s RIP’s pals. We ain’t need ta’ fight ‘em if we gon’ be helpin’ ‘em.” Said one in a VERY Cockney-Australian accent.

“... I think I felt the last of my brain cells just die.” Wilhelm said.

Jack scrunched his brow in confusion. “But you’re an an-”

“I KNOW WHAT I SAID, JUST KEEP GOING!” The android grouched as he shoved Jack forward. “I just want to get this day over with and enter a proper sleep cycle.”

The group continued onwards through the Stingray section of the facility, and got a double call from both Angel and the… questionably ‘intelligent’ scav.

“So, we’ve pulled our men out. Fact’ry’s all you’s. An’ take that limpdick doc with ya, too.” The scav said before hanging up.

“... Anyways, I was unable to deactivate the Dahl defenses, and the scavs triggered a good bit of them on their way out. You’ll be up against a bunch of turrets, rampant security bots, and AI driven mech suits…. Who are also rampant.” Angel explained.

“It’s a shame less complicated AI are so prone to rampancy. Then again production of AI of my level is rather expensive and prolonged.” Felicity commented while they walked across a cargo bay, stopping at the sealed door with a ‘Not Safe’ sign hanging on it.

“Oh thank goodness you’re here.” Came a fairly relieved voice as the door opened, the sign falling off and clattering on the floor to reveal a light brown unicorn with way too many movable lenses on his fancy glasses. He wore a greasy lab coat and casual work clothes but his wild spiky mane and tail still managed to make him look like a mad scientist rather than an engineer. “About time you came to rescue me.”

“We didn’t. We came to make robots, if you can help, we’ll help you.” Fragtrap said coldly.

“... That’s a bit harsh, but he’s not wrong.” Wilhelm said, agreeing.

“Oh, well that’s even better! I came here to use local resources to help me work on my magnum opus for my work in Hyperion’s R&D due to limited resources available to Helios.” The unicorn stated, still quite pleased as he walked them through the slightly cleaner room to the back door.

“Hey~! It’s crazy Gladstone! I thought you died on Helios.” John cheerfully commented.

“No. Whatever’s going on up there, I was moonside when it happened. I’ve been stuck here, captured by scavs and passing myself off as a medic to stay alive. I may have a budget New-U account, but I’d rather avoid such an outcome.” Gladstone shuddered, the two other stallions joining him in it from sympathetic memory as he unlocked the door leading onwards.

“Well, luckily we’re here. Now, do you know how to make us some robots?” Jack asked, trying to cut to the point.

“Didn’t I say that? Yes! It’s my specialty!” Gladstone pat his left thigh to likely hint at his cutie mark, making Jack wince as Wilhelm went on ahead. “If you can get me past the torks and any security, I’ll be able to get right back to work. My project was on what I call a ‘Constructor’. A mobile complex digistruct platform able to build things locally, on demand using preset blueprints.”

“A robot that can build other robots? Sold! Get in there kiddos!” John cheered.

Wilhelm, meanwhile, had scouted ahead slightly with Fragtrap. “Uh, guys? You might want to get over here real quick.” At his words, the two brainy unicorns looked to each other before going outside to join the two mechanical murder machines.

“Okay, what the absolute, fuck. This is literally straight out of a fantasy board game!” Jack snarled as he crossed his arms.

It was the fucking wiggler head guy again, this time in what looked like Dante’s outfit from Devil May Cry with a sword, killing robots left and right, and it looked like he had managed to change the colors on his helmet from blue to red during all of that, somehow. He took a break as he chopped another robot in half, and looked over at the group. “Oh hey guys! Fancy meeting you here again!”

“Hello unusual traveler! Where is that unique bird that abducted you?” Fragtrap asked casually, approaching him with ease.

“Uh… I killed it, and the body landed in some sort of incinerator.” He explained as he put the sword on his back. “So, how are you guys?”

“Is he an ancient era beast hunter?” Gladstone asked curiously, but Jack just held up his hand to try and stall any further exposition.

“... I mean, I guess from your point of view I would be.” The man said as he scratched the back of where his head probably is.

“Stop~! No. This is a dimensional anomaly eating into our precious time we need to stop Helios-.” Jack was interrupted by Helios firing again. “Point proven, let’s go! You get to come along since you’re obviously not from this dimension.”

“Cool. I’m actually looking for something, though, so-”

“Knowing how these happen, it’ll probably show up while you’re helping. Now let’s go.” Wilhelm said before he reached out and grabbed the ‘Wiggler Knight’, then began to drag him behind them.

Thankfully the out-of-place ‘Wiggler Knight’ seemed to be more of an asset instead of a hinderance. Among things, when he was handed a gun, he actually managed to use it properly… With an uncanny accuracy, too. Any remaining security bots and torks that hadn’t been slaughtered yet fell without fanfare and they proceeded to enter the robot factory at long last.

Author's Note

Sorry it's a day late, we both got a case of the lazies and RL eating into our funtime. Oh, I've also been binging on Borderlands 2, and DJ told me not to mention it, so I'm mentioning it. He's been playing way too much Monster Hunter World lately, so here's a new Displaced with no attached story XD

YOU SHALL LAUGH AT HIS WIGGLYNESS!

Fuck you, Gamejunkie. -DJ

Super Fighting Robot!

[Titan Robot Production Plant]

“I wish you guys were here much sooner. I’d already have finished my Constructor bot a week ago. Then again, I’d probably be trapped up on Helios, so I guess this is the better outcome.” Gladstone declared as he walked over to a console and started working away at it. “Hm, it seems the scavs were polite enough to turn the power back on.”

“Uh… Someone mind explaining what a Helios is?” The ‘Wiggler Knight’ asked, confused as he shot a robot in the eye, then proceeded to slice another in half as they rose up from hatches in the floor. “Is it some giant monster? I mean, I think I heard some kind of laser beam earlier… Though that might have been what I’m looking for.”

“I doubt that. If it was, we’d try and take it from you so we could use it against Helios.” Jack said, his sentence punctuated by the sound of more giant laser fire.

“You wouldn’t want it around, trust me.” The knight said, slashing through more enemies.

“Oh! While you’re doing that, mind harvesting those robot’s eyes? I need them to assemble a proper ocular system. Just gather five and feed them to my eye assembler matrix.”

“Pfft, an ‘eye assembler matrix’? That’s a thing?” John asked incredulously, his Echo card showing he was all cleaned up by now.

Wilhelm pops out one of his own eyes. “... Or we could scan my eye real quick and just base it off that.”

“Yes, and no. I’ve already got the form ready, any changes will take all day. Just do what I have prepared and it’ll be ready.” Gladstone insisted as he highlighted the ‘eye assembler matrix’ on their HUDs.

“Just listen to the guy. I know from experience that a proper ocular system is a bitch to get just right for a custom robot, or a cyborg for instance.” Jack supported, stabbing a security bot in the chassis with the Razorback, before firing a high-caliber sniper round into it for more damage. “Got an eye!”

“Eh. Fine.” Wilhelm said as he popped the eye back into its socket. He caught another eye that the ‘Wiggler Knight’ carved out.

“Same!” Fragtrap declared, and soon the team had the requested eyes. “I’ll take them to that toaster-looking thing.” Fragtrap declared, and after a minute, he returned with the eye, looking like an enlarged hybrid between a Loader and Claptrap eye. “I have the eye! It’s dead inside, like your mom!” Fragtrap declared cheerfully.

“Great! I’m lowering the chassis for assembly.” Gladstone declared, and from the ceiling lowered a rusty red/yellow angular thing that was bulky and unappealing.

“...What is that? It looks like a sad dumpster had a child with a junkyard truck.” John declared with disappointment.

Wilhelm immediately doubled over in laughter. “Oh god, I just had a funny idea. It’s a fucking Pickup Truck with a Digistruct strapped onto the back!”

“That’s...going to be me soon? I don’t think I want that….” Felicity voiced with clear hesitation as Fragtrap plugged the new eye into the boxy robot’s slightly pointed front.

“Well, you’re the AI. Now, let’s get some legs on this thing.” Gladstone declared, started to lift the chassis up off the floor with the facility’s built-in ceiling crane.

“What? But it already has legs, even if they’re short.” Jack commented as the crane moved along its track on the ceiling. “It also has a powerful repulsor-.”

“Who designed it?” Gladstone grumped.

“Clearly someone with redundancy-”

“Alright, let’s go get those legs. Where are they?” The ‘Wiggler Knight’ said, this time dragging the other two along as Fragtrap rolled along behind them.

“Somewhere between pointless and useless, like all legs! You’d be better off with wheels!” Fragtrap declared proudly.

“I have a pair of legs from an unfinished Dahl power suit prototype I want to use since we’re crunched for time. It’s in the Locomotion Assembly wing to the east.”

“Sounds like you’re trying to make it a proper combat unit, instead of just a mobile reinforcement platform.” Wilhelm commented as he was dragged along by the surprisingly strong Wiggler.

“Well, yes. It’s also meant to be a construction robot. It can’t exactly move around construction sites with those stubby legs, or safely avoid displacing loose dirt with the repulsor jet.” Gladstone stated with exasperation. “This design has been such a mess from the start, I’ll have to refine it after we get this prototype running.”

“I think I can help with that. I can wirelessly download into the suit and walk it here since there’s nothing in the way this far in.” Felicity informed them. “Is this what being organic is like? I mean, in having a physical body. All limbs and things. It feels cramped. I don’t think I like it.”

“Yeah, well it’s old and out of date, and you did just spend a good amount of time plugged into my head.” Wilhelm commented and crossed his arms.

“You’re another story Wilhelm. You’re much more advanced than this walking pile of scrap.” Felicity defended as she walked the massive mech suit into the central assembly hanger, positioning it under the Constructor chassis.

“True. True. It’s probably like being in a Clap- Actually, let me think that over again. Fragtrap’s head was pretty big… That said, I doubt that’s the same for all of his original line.” The android comments.

“Yeah, no. I picked Fragtrap because as the prototype, he had a lot of redundancies and other things the mass-production model don’t have. That said, even he suffered from the OS being inflexible to the point he nearly self-destructed.” John added onto the conversation as Felicity forcibly ejected the upper chassis of the mech suit from the legs, allowing Gladstone to lower the Constructor onto the bulky and powerful digitigrade biped legs, only to get Jack to start arguing with him about the mechanical dissonance as the machine secured itself.

“I hope you realize he fixed his shit, John. He’s not an idiot anymore.” Wilhelm argued to John as Fragtrap came up and added a ‘yeah’.

“Yeah, I doubt that.” John said dismissively. “Last I checked the AI was so buggy that it was barely even functional.”

“IT DOESN’T NEED THESE LEGS!” Jack argued with Gladstone in the background, thus tying up the last of the group as the five of them all argued amongst each other. As they all argued, the ‘Wiggler Knight’ heard something. Wilhelm and Fragtrap are the only other two to pick up on it, but dismiss it as Echo Static… But the knight recognizes it and dashes off without saying a word.

“Alright, alright! Everyone stop it. John, fuck off for a bit, we have to finish up with this robot, and you two, deal with it. It has chicken legs now and some actual mobility. Now let’s get this shit on the road.” Wilhelm shouted at everyone.

“Ugh… Wilhelm’s right. We need to get this shit done so we can save the moon.” John acquiesced before hanging up.

“Alright… Um… We need to get the turrets calibrated. I’d say use them on some scavs, but you seem to have gotten them all to leave.” Gladstone stated, a bit annoyed he couldn’t get his ‘revenge’ on the scavs.

“I got this. Where are they?” Jack asked eagerly, rubbing his hands together.

Gladstone scoffed and rolled his eyes from his place at the console to the hangar. “Oh please. You couldn’t possibly-”

“He’s a certified Arcano-Tech engineer. He used to be my engineer before I went full android.” Wilhelm stated, crossing his arms yet again.

“Oh? Where did you graduate?” Gladstone asked in curiosity and interest as Jack got to the console next to him, the scientist watching his hands as he worked, looking impressed for once.

“At-”

“Are you going to keep questioning him, or are you gonna let him do his job so we can save the fucking moon?!” Wilhelm, Fragtrap, and John all simultaneously shouted at once, making them all recoil slightly.

“Right. It’s in the lab on your right. Let me just have them brought in here and attached. Then you can use this console to calibrate them.” Gladstone stated while pressing away at the console as well. Machine sounds filled the air as a pair of twin Dahl auto-turrets attached to small wing-like mounts descended from the ceiling on rails that lowered and affixed them to sides of the main chassis before detaching and leaving.

Jack immediately set to work on the nearby console, quickly accessing the turret functions and firing off a few practice rounds at lights in the room, and then even asked Fragtrap to run around to test their tracking. Once they were calibrated, Jack got off of the console and smiled. “Alright, all that should be left is to stick Felicity into it, right?” Jack asked as the finished Constructor bot began moving on the rail towards the embarkation zone.

“Well… Yes. We just need her AI stuck in there and it should be good to go.” Gladstone declared as he looked up at his Frankenstein’s Monster of a robot with perhaps too much pride as the rail in the transit zone spun into place to allow it to continue onward.

“W-wait, I’ve thought this through. I don’t want to be shoved into that… thing. I like being like this!” Felicity protested, having a change of heart as they entered the Unit Embarkation chamber.

“I’m sorry miss, but we have to do this.” John said over echo, reluctant towards this course of action. “Gladstone, shove her in and dump the-”

“HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE!” Wilhelm shouted, quite angry at the two people who believed they were smart. “Can’t we just have Angel make a quick copy, dump the personality before it becomes active, and then shove it into the fucking murder bot so we don’t kill an innocent woman?!”

“...Huh...why didn’t I think of that?” John asked in bemusement.

“Right...she’s a Siren, and one with even more doctorates than I can imagine one person having.” Gladstone mused. “She could easily take only what we need from Felicity, clone it, then patch it with barely any time spent.”

Wilhelm facepalmed. “You two are morons. Jack, tell me you didn’t-”

“Actually, I had sort of gotten caught up in all of this…” Jack said shyly. “I figured she could just stand in for a bit and then have a more dumbed-down AI put in later.”

“You guys are idiots.” Fragtrap deadpanned.

“THANK YOU!” Wilhelm shouted, agreeing with the other AI in the room.

“Thank you, Wilhelm.” Felicity said quietly to the Android, quite happy he had come to her rescue again.

John sighed in annoyance. “Alright. Angel, please get on that. We don’t have much ti-”

Angel cut him off. “Done.” She even sounded smug about it.

“Oh, then let’s shove it in, already!” John insisted as they felt another rumble. Helios seems to be firing even faster.

“Beginning download now.” Gladstone said as he moved to the master console of the embarcation chamber, just as the machine had stopped and entered the download bay recessed into the floor. “Aaaand done. Let’s do a small test…”

The constructor prototype raised back up to ground level and began the boot up sequence. A few seconds later the robot sprung to life, and the turrets immediately dropped as the machine said in a deep, robotic voice, “EXTERMINATE!”

“HAPPY DICK, TURN IT OFF!” Wilhelm shouted as he pulled out the Thingy. Luckily, he wouldn’t have to use it as Gladstone hit a kill switch in the programming and lowered it back into the download bay.

“Well darn. That should have worked. I put everything in properly and calibrated it…what went wrong?” Gladstone asked himself.

“Oh! That went a lot like one of my first boot-up sequences after the VaultHunter.exe was installed! Maybe you need to kick it!” Fragtrap suggested.

“Or maybe we need you to give it a patch, little guy.” Jack commented.

“Yeah, that’s what I said!” Fragtrap said with a laugh.

“Are you sure about that? I mean, Fragtrap should still be all kinds of messed up even if half of what Angel filled me in on his update is true.” John nervously questioned as the building shook again. Is Helios aiming for them now? That wouldn’t help them destroy the moon though.

“Let the little guy try, man. He’s come a long way from what you last knew.” Jack said, giving the upgraded Claptrap a pat on his casing. “Go on, little guy. Take a whack at it.”

“Oh~Kay!” Fragtrap said with a salute as he helped himself on over to Gladstone’s console, then shoved the stallion out of the way. He plugged himself into the console using a cable leading from his modular ‘disk’ trey. “Hey! I’m not short circuiting! Yay!” A couple minutes, and yet ANOTHER bout of building shaking later, Fragtrap finished. “Aaaaand...UPDATE~!” Fragtrap then hit the on switch for the robot.

The robot was lifted out of the download bay and almost immediately sprung to life, not taking extra seconds this time. The turrets popped down and spun around a bit. “Systems online. Weapons hot. Mission: Save the fucking moon, baby!” The last bit of it’s speech came out as a recording of John’s voice. “Constructor Prototype Version 1.0 is online. Awaiting commands.”

“Hell yes! Good work everyone! Let’s-!” John was cut off, something scrambled the Echo communications as the room shook again, this time much more violently than it had before.

Then the southern wall suddenly exploded, a laser following the explosion, giving them only seconds to dodge as it took out the Constructor’s chicken legs. From the breach came a massive blue dragon that looked like it was made of pure crystal which emenated a massive amount of pure energy from it. Title Card: Xeno’Jiiva! WTF?!

“What the hell?!” Wilhelm shouted as he drew the SUPER NORFLEET.

“NO! WAIT!” Came the shout of the Wiggler Knight, now in green armor made of what looked like strong reptilian leather and some kind of feathers. His Wiggler helmet had gone back to being normal, but now he also had some sort of polearm, and his right wrist was glowing for some reason. “Careful! I need to take that thing back home! If it died here, I don’t know what it would do to your ecosystem! That said, we can’t let it escape either!”

“THE HELL DO YOU FIND THESE THINGS?!” Jack screamed at the man as Gladstone scurried off to a corner to hide, the Constructor ejecting it’s useless, destroyed legs and hovering over towards the same corner with it’s repulsor jet. “I thought this Displaced nonsense would just be random peeps-shit!” Jack cursed as the dragon charged into the chamber, smashing through the guide rails for the download elevator and roaring as they scattered.

“THE HELL EVEN IS THAT THING?!” Wilhelm shouted as he quickly whipped out his Striker instead and began unloading buckshot into the monster.

“That’s an elder dragon from my world. I’m sorry, but I was chasing it here after some moron back home decided to try banishing it to another world by opening a portal!” Wiggler said as he shot out his arm, a mystical blue spirit dragon head launched out from it and began biting and harassing the elder dragon, getting it to pause and swat at it. “That is Xeno’Jiiva, a dragon of pure bio-energy that will destroy this world if we don’t take it down. NOW.”

“Does it have to be in good shape?” Fragtrap asked as he was already spraying bullets at it from his spinigun.

“Just don’t kill it!” Wiggler shouted as he charged in and quickly mounted the thing, stabbing at its back with a large knife, causing it to thrash about, trying to dislodge him from it.

“Might wanna back off, then!” Wilhelm said as he switched his SUPER NORFLEET back out and loaded in the last shot. Wiggler would smack it a few more times, forcing it to the ground before he ran back to them. Once he was in a safe spot, Wilhelm fired the last specialized rocket for the weapon, and the group watched as the dragon was caught in a massive explosion. “There. Now there’s nothing left.”

“Didn’t he say to not kill it?” Jack commented, jabbing Wilhelm with his elbow.

“Target acquired. Firing.” Declared a garbled mechanical voice, and soon several others mirrored it, along with several assault rifles firing. The dust died down, revealing the Dragon was merely injured, it’s right wing pulled to it’s side and only trickling blood.

“Hey guys! The Constructor started making things!” Gladstone called out, trying to give them at least a small win.

As the new Hyperion Gun Loader prototypes fired upon the dragon while they strafed it, Wiggler glared at the three vault hunters. “Two things. One: It’s an Elder DRAGON. It’s not a pushover that’s going to flop over from three large explosions… Only Kirin is like that, little crystal shitting bastard. Second: IT’S A FUCKING ELDER DRAGON I TOLD YOU TO NOT KILL IT! So even if your little gun had worked, we’d all be fucked! Your world shouldn’t be able to cope with the energy it has stored up!” He then slapped Wilhelm and charged it again.

“... Did that guy just fucking slap me and effectively call me a moron?” Wilhelm questioned.

“Yep. He’s on the do-not-call list if we ever find his Token.” Jack huffed in disgust.

“I’d honestly say he’s on the must call list. He knows his shit.” Wilhelm said as he hefted up another launcher. “Seriously. I kinda needed that.”

“Whatever.” Jack grumbled as he brought the Razorback to bear, and fired at Xeno’s injured wing. The beast roared in pain and fury, being shot from all sides and stabbed by the Wiggler.

It suddenly flung the Wiggler off and roared loudly, causing everyone but Wilhelm to stop as it attempted to run back through the hole it made earlier. Wilhelm took initiative and swapped out his arms and legs for large versions of PWR Loader parts, then proceeded to grab the dragon and slammed it around for a bit, then pinned it against the ground. Wiggler ran up and tossed several small exploding packets into its mouth, forcing it to inhale the tranq gas that they released, which caused it to slowly pass out from inhaling so much tranquilizer.

Wilhelm slowly released the dragon as the Wiggler ran his hand across it, showing that it was indeed out for the count. “Alright… First time anyone’s caught an Elder Dragon… Good job with that help, guys.”

“Good, now get off our moon.” Luna angrily demanded through the Echo which connected the moment Xeno wasn’t jamming signals just from being active. “That monstrosity is interfering with Elpis’ connection to us.”

Wiggler… doesn’t hear her at all. “... Why are you guys standing around?”

“Oh, right. Princess Luna just called us over Echo… Oh right, you don’t have Echo.” He looks away from him. “Luna, he can’t hear you.”

“... Oh. One moment.” Luna stated before teleporting over. “Get that thing off our moon before We fling it into space.”

Wiggler was stunned for a moment. “Your majesty!” He said before bowing. “Now I know I must be on another world. The Luna of my world… Well, I don’t want to say anything more about that.”

“We do not care, begone.” Luna demanded, her eyes whiting out and snarling.

“O-Oh… I’m sorry. I just need to do something real quick.” He said before pulling out what looked like a finger puppet version of his helmet. He handed it to Wilhelm, who had switched his limbs back to normal. “That… should be able to call me, somehow, just without the giant world destroying dragon next time.” He said with a smile. “Alright, now I should get going… Um… Princess, can I ask for a charge?” He asked as he held out a blue crystal.

“Lout, thou has quite the gall to request anything, but if it gets this beast off Elpis then very well.” Luna’s horn shined with her cerulean magic and soon the crystal began to shine blindingly bright.

He aims the charged crystal at the floor by Xeno’Jiiva, which created a large portal that slowly took away the Elder dragon. “Alright, I’ll make sure to tell my Luna that another one of her did not appreciate having a rampaging Elder Dragon making a mess of her universe.”

“Be sure to tell her to get her realm cleaned up of such dangerous creatures. We at least keep the populations of beasts on Pandora at reasonable levels near population centers.” Luna huffed as she crossed her arms under her bust. Wait, why is she still wearing that fancy dress?

“Yeah, I’ll try to tell her that when she’s not transformed into one herself.” He then ran for the portal. “Bye!” And with that, Wiggler jumped into the portal and was gone.

“We wonder what he means, another version of us being a monster.” Luna spoke to herself, quite perplexed about his statement.

“... That guy is cool.” Wilhelm said as he played with the little finger puppet.

“Dude, put it away.” Jack sighed in relief now that the archaic derp was gone.

“Dude, he was a crackshot, knew how to deal with large problems, and could dodge fucking lasers. I think he’s earned whatever shenanigans he pulls.” Wilhelm grumped as he put the token into his Echo.

“Nope. Dimensional anomalies like that guy are considered random terrorist acts.” John commented, having connected at last with the interference gone. “Anyway, so, we’re another step closer to saving Elpis, Pandora, and the future of both. How are the barges coming RIP?”

“Enroute.” RIP chimed in. “We got together a few hundred scavs with New-U accounts to head up there on the condition they get hired for grunt work and can get out of scavenging to survive.”

“So long as they pass mental health checks.” John agreed. “So, we’ll have several trash barges ready to ferry combat loaders, as well as several dozen smaller ships with scavs, among which you’ll have dozens of salvaged Dahl jet fighters to support you up on Helios.” John declared as the Constructor continued churning out Gun Loaders from it’s digistructor.

“Sweet. Want us to meet back in Concordia before we head out?” Wilhelm asked.

“No, just go. We have a moon to save.” John said before cutting communications, presumably to use a fast travel.

“Alright, I’ll see you guys up there.” Wilhelm said as he walked over to the fast travel with Fragtrap. “See you when you get there.” The two took the fast travel and disappeared, leaving Jack and Luna alone.

“We have a better idea. Because we are going up there anyway, how about We teleport us there.” Luna suggested. “We know where they’ll be showing up, so New-U isn’t necessary.”

“Uh, but Luna….” Jack nervously said, moving closer and rubbing her lower stomach gently. “Don’t you have more than yourself to worry about now?”

“We know We are pregnant, and we can handle ourself, Jack. We have received an Anshin shield known as the Reogenator from the one known as Nina.” She said, smiling. “She was quite adamant that We protect ‘the little one’ in our womb.” Luna tittered as she leaned into her stallion, who reached down and groped her ass with a grin as they pressed their brows together.

“Um...can you not be scandalous in front of me please?” Gladstone requested from the peanut gallery with his face flushed.

“Go for the booty!” Constructor V1.0 cheered on instead.

“Shut up guys. Well, let’s go then! Stay back from the heat of battle though, okay?”

“Of course, We’ll cover you to from the rear.” Luna winked as she held up her arm bracer lasers.

“That sounds sexy.” Constructor cheers again. “Double-Entendre.exe successful!”

“Oh darn, I think it might be a pervert.” Gladstone grumbled as he went to maintaining the robot while Luna’s horn flashed, leaving him alone with the robot. “Well, now that we have a moment, I’ll just be-.”

“Digistrucking special Chassis Version 0.1.” The Constructor says as they leave. It then prints… a loader with horrible false tits.

“... I think I’m going to-” Gladstone starts, only to be interrupted by Felicity.

“If you fucking change it, I’m going to kill you. This thing could potentially create a chassis for me if it keeps going like this, and may learn how to make an amazing combat chassis.”

“... Understood. Let it be a learning machine… Maybe it’ll upgrade its own chassis while its at it.” Gladstone comments quietly.

“Digistructing New legs. Scientist Gladstone, please replace my current legs with these.” The Constructor drones as it prints slightly longer versions of the legs it already has, just with wheels that looked exactly like Fragtrap’s fancy stair-climbing wheel.

“How the hell did you even do this?!” Gladstone questioned.

Author's Note

If you ever want to crossover with Wiggler Knight, just contact DJ A String. Remember, that there is no story attached to Wiggler Knight, have fun with that.

Also, if you want to crossover with Jack and Wilhelm, contact either of us.
GJ- Actually contact me.
DJ- I heard that.
GJ-EEP!

Back To Square One.

[Hyperion Hall of Heroism]

Luna and Jack appeared in a flash of blue light next to the New-U Fast Travel station that was at the end of a hall lined with vending machines on one side and a window viewing Elpis and Pandora to the other side. However, they were alone. “Um...Luna, is this where they were supposed to end up?”

“Yes. This is the Helios Immigration Station. It is where new employees and residents art to enter into Helios from what John has told us.” Luna looked about worriedly as she held a hand to the side of her head. “John? Hello? He’s not answering.” At her words, Jack used is subtle magic to open his Echo’s HUD and try to call John, then Wilhelm and Fragtrap.

“Wilhelm isn’t answering either.” Jack then looked down at Elpis as he tried to call Angel. “Angel, we’ve lost contact with John, Wilhelm and Fragtrap.”

“Uncle Jack! I was about to call you. Dad, Wilhelm and Fragtrap have ended up on separate parts of Helios. It seems the Lost Legion have scrambled the Fast Travel signal to ping off several stations at alternating frequencies. It’s annoying, but without being hooked up to Helios directly, I can’t do anything about it.” Angel audibly pouted along with her Echo card. “Oh wait! I can get the signal out to Dad and Fragtrap, but I can’t seem to get ahold of Wilhelm. Seems he’s on the other side of the jamming signal. Hopefully he can shut it off before something else happens.”

At his niece saying something so tempting for fate, Jack groaned and rubbed his temples. “Angel, as your uncle, I need to stress the fact that you have poked Murphy so hard in the jimmies right now, he’s likely to-.”

“John! What is happening at Helios now?!” Tassiter suddenly exclaimed as Jack and Luna were reconnected to John at least.

“I don’t know yet, sir, I just got back here.” John said over gunshots. “There’s a lot of Dahl Soldiers up here, and they’re likely to have a jamming-”

“I’ve gotten word that Princess Celestia was on her way up via Fast Travel to see what was going on! Are you telling me the reason she’s not responding to my calls is because of some form of jamming signal?!” Tassiter demanded heatedly.

“Y-yes, sir…” John weakly answered.

Tassiter grumbled on his end of the line. “John, find a way to fix this immediately, or so help me, your ass will be fired last year!” Tassiter then abruptly hung up, ending the call.

John took a deep cleansing breath before letting out a tired sigh, audible even over the gunfire. “Son of a bitch. Angel, can you get communications-”

“Dad… We just heard the tail end of that.” Angel said sheepishly. “... Sorry.”

“It’s okay pumpkin. Who else is on the line?” John asked as they overheard Fragtrap cackling and people screaming on his end.

“Luna and I bro. No clue if Wilhelm is.” Jack answered as he and Luna walked down the hall, leaning around the corner at the eerily empty immigration area, suitcases abandoned, lockers overturned or popped open. “We’re at the immigration station.”

“Good, that’s where we were all supposed to be. My office isn’t far from there, it’s a straight shot across the central terminal. Get there, and hunker down. It was bad enough Luna came along, but now her sister is somewhere up here too, at least one of you should be in a secure location.” John stated, getting a huff out of Luna.

“We are far from a delicate flower John. Just because We’re pregnant does not mean We are any less capable.” Luna declared fiercely, making John sigh.

“That’s what I’m afraid of. Keep her safe little bro.” John then hung up and Jack sighed.

“Luna, please don’t make this too difficult on me. I may be awesome, but I’m just a stallion.” Jack stated as they walked through the untended turnstiles, scanning the area for any Lost Legion soldiers.

“We are well aware, which is why on top of this incredible shield, We will have our own magic shield layered over it.” Luna informed him, shimmering her magic so the nearly invisible barrier over her body flickered. “Do not consider us a hindrance in combat, We are well defended.”

“Look...Luna.” Jack paused, turning to face her fully. “I’m...not exactly used to relationships beyond a one-night stand or a friendly fuck-buddy. I’m not really sure what I feel, but it would mean so much to me if you wouldn’t make me so worried about you just by being here.” Jack’s admission clearly caught Luna off-guard as she raised her eyebrows and blinked.

“Really? Well, too bad, but We’re not about to leave all the work to our stallion.” Luna insisted, leaning into him and wrapping her arms around him, easily pressing his snout into her cleavage considering she was a foot taller than him, and even squeezed his butt as he blushed scarlet up to his ears. “If anything, We would prefer to keep thee in the bedroom, not have thee putting thyself in danger.”

“...That’s so sexist and I can’t deny appreciating the thought.” Jack admitted with his voice muffled by her bountiful head-sized bosoms. “But this isn’t the time or place-.” Jack yanked Luna to the floor, causing her to yelp as gunfire erupted and bullets flew over them while he rolled them along the floor and behind the computer desks that clearly served to finish processing new arrivals. “Shoot first, flirting later!”

“But tis so much fun!” Luna declared as she leaned out, firing her cryo arm laser as Jack did the same, her other hand still on his butt even as they fired back.

“Can you please not?” Jack whined as he beheaded soldiers with single shots from the Razorback, the lack of a scope and excellent iron sights actually helping him use his innate accuracy.

“Oh come now! Thou cannot honestly tell Us that thou art not having fun~.” She said as she shot a soldier in the crotch, making him double over in pain before Jack capped him.

“Business and pleasure shouldn’t mix too much.” Jack grinned as he spotted a sergeant about to radio reinforcements and beheaded him with a single bullet as well. “But then again, I do take a bit of pleasure from this line of work.” Jack killed the last Legion soldier, and he sighed as each of their bodies digistructed down for respawn. “Damn, I guess it was too much to ask that they not be keyed into the local systems.”

“Then it is best we move quickly.” Luna took to the air, flying overhead as Jack sprinted towards the central terminal. “Not ideal, there is not much cover in the terminal, and the closer to John’s office the more visible thou becomes.” Luna called down to Jack, using Echo so she didn’t have to shout and possibly alert nearby enemies as they got to the elevator to John’s office.

“Son of a-, John! The door’s locked!” Jack reported, turning around and joining Luna in scanning for enemies.

“Shiiit. And they’ve probably changed the password.” John responded over gunshots on his end, it seems he and Fragtrap never got out of combat since arriving. “Plan B, keep going, try and get to the eye. It’s not ideal, but there should be a safe space on the way over there.”

“But John, the residential section hasn’t even begun construction, and the access tunnels are in pieces.” Luna commented as she hovered down to land next to Jack so she wasn’t such a visible target.

“I know, but there are holdouts over there meant to keep the workers safe if we get hit by meteors or something similar.” John insisted, causing the two lovers to look at each other with doubt.

“Okay, we’ll try to see about heading towards the Eye then. Stay safe bro.” Jack hung up and proceeded to lead Luna towards the Hall of Wonders past the Harren Lockup since it meant staying more concealed by cover. “Okay Luna, stay low and-oh come on.” Jack hissed, his sudden stop causing Luna to walk into him, her breasts pressing into his neck as she stopped too. “There’s a bunch of them this way.”

“They’re sure to know we’re here Jack. Might as well blast through.” Luna declared softly, raising her lasers up as Jack took aim. “Ready to fire on thine signal.”

“When I take the sergeant out, you aim for the other two. The noise will likely draw more of them, be ready.” Jack took a steadying breath, aimed, and shot a bullet straight through the red beret and the skull under it, Luna freezing the other two more fully-armored soldiers with crotch shots followed by the freezing rays flash-freezing their faces. “Why always the crotch?” Jack asked with utmost curiosity.

“Because, they art swine who should not reproduce.” Luna playfully declared as she remained pressed into Jack’s back.

“But they have New-U.” Jack snorted at her obviously false reason as he moved away from Luna’s touch.

“All the better! They suffer the memory then.” Luna cheekily replied, moments before a door on their right opened and out stepped a huge Legion marine in uniquely colored yellow-green armor with a red suit underneath, unlike the usual green on green.

“Luna! Surrender!” The soldier demanded as he held up a large grenade in his off hand, a massive drum-fed heavy machine gun in his right hand. He dodged to the side and Jack’s bullet missed, someone inside the room the soldier had left squealing in an ear-piercing scream before the door closed. “Corporal Bob reporting! Princess Luna is in the Hub!”

“Damn it!” Jack cursed, swapping out Razorback for the Black Snake, spraying the corrosive paired bullets at the soldier, who dropped the grenade that turned into a wormhole generator, yanking him and Luna towards it while Bob rained bullets on them. “Shi~t!” Jack cursed, firing at the spatial distortion that while not lethal, was still very dangerous as Luna fired at Bob.

“Thou art going to pay!” Luna imperiously declared as her magic shield ate up Bob’s bullets, returning fire with her cryo lasers and tagging him on the leg, causing him to yelp and roll behind cover.

“Requesting reinforcements!” Bob called out as he tossed a grenade from behind cover at them. Jack had finished filling the wormhole generator with acidic bullets and he jumped away, Luna taking flight but diving back down when oncoming reinforcements forced her to get back to ground.

“We’re sitting ducks! In here!” Jack ran for the door Corporal Bob had come out of, Luna following as he closed the door and locked it with a standard Hyperion access code. “That won’t hold long-.”

“JOHN! I KNEW YOU’D COME!” Jack and Luna cringed at the horrifically cracking male voice, and turned to see a rail-thin pasty yellow stallion with no mane pressing his face into the glass of one of the holding cells of what was meant to be a local jail. “It’s me, Nakayama!” The sickly stallion gasped. “You even brought Princess Luna! I knew you cared!”

“Uh...first, I’m not John, I’m his little brother Jack. Second; who the hell are you?” Jack asked the bleeding crazy, who was about to respond when the door burst open and a grenade flew between Jack and Luna, who rolled to the side when the door opened, and heard the stallion squeal in terror before being eviscerated into giblets by the explosion. “...Woops.”

“Hey, I just got a notification that someone in my department just died. How’d that happen?” John asked over Echo.

“The one known as, Nakayama, We believe he said? Yes, Nakayama has just died.” Luna commented awkwardly as she locked the way into the room with a magic barrier since the mechanical lock betrayed them so easily. “Luckily, his death has given us some respite.”

“Oh, that stalker. He didn’t even have a budget New-U account, spending all his money on, eugh, custom items with my likeness.” John said, his Echo card rolling its eyes. “I heard from someone else in his department that he planned to try and clone me. Now I don’t have to fire him and possibly jail him, so all’s well that ends well, I guess.”

“He probably had-”

“A family? Nah, they disowned him and died a while ago, like, before he started working here.” John exposited. “Listen, I have to get back to not dying now, so if you could just finish up over there, that’d be great.”

“Easy for you to say, we’re barricaded in the Harren Lockup with a huge number of Legion soldiers pounding on the door.” Jack reported as he walked up the steps, looking at an oddly tiny blue loader bot randomly walking around in a special containment cell. Whatever, wasn’t his business.

“Shit. Can you get past them?” John asked insistently, even as Fragtrap cackled, and explosions and screaming sounded out. Just what kind of monster was John paying witness to? Jack wasn’t sure, but Fragtrap was nowhere near this scary in person.

“There is an army of dogs blocking us, and it there is a red barrier also blocking us from what We see of the access tunnel from here.” Luna said as she looked at the monitors.

“Son of a taint. Alright, fuck it. Plan C. Get-ON YOUR LEFT, CLAPPY!-Get to my office in customer service!”

“MY NAME! IS! FRAGTRAP! AH~HAHAHA-!” Fragtrap shouted before they both got cut off.

“Darn it. The jammer cut them off again.” Angel cursed. “... Who am I stuck with again… Oh- Why is it that I can contact you two and not Da- Oh hey! I can get Wilhelm! Patching over now.”

“Hey, where the hell are you man?” Jack asked as he heard the line connect.

They heard a mare groan in pain before Wilhelm spoke. “Oh shit, hey guys.”

“Is that…Sister?” Luna asked, vaguely recognizing the mare’s voice.

“Yeah, I believe I have Celestia here with me. She got grazed and teleported us here when the New-U failed to fast travel us.” Wilhelm explained as he did something on the other end. “Oh hold still, you didn’t even get bruised. Your shirt just got cut from the bullet.”

“Where is ‘here’?” Jack asked as he went to the small office at the end of the second floor of the lockup, testing the doors and not getting a response, making him sigh.

“Someone’s office. She said it would be safe and so far it has been. We’ve got turrets set up, and the door in is locked. Sadly can’t tell what’s behind it ‘cause I can’t get it open.” Wilhelm explained further. “Not that I couldn’t open it. It’s just that it’s a heavy door and I’d rather not break a lock that might be keeping us safe.”

“Understandable. Hopefully We may be able to assist later.” Luna said, smiling a bit from hearing that her bitch sister was safe.

“Alright, catch up with you later.” Wilhelm hung up as Celestia’s whining picked up.

“Is your sister always that tender?” Jack asked in reference to a lack of pain tolerance.

“No, sister tends to be even more mercurial than us. It has been a long time since she has seen combat however, perhaps her fattening rear isn’t the only thing being stuck in an office has done to her.” Luna smirked as she poked her firm flank. “We haven’t fallen for laziness unlike her.”

“Good to know you think your sister is fat.” Jack chuckled as he hacked the keypad to the door, opening it to reveal it led to a small hallway that likely connected the offices for the lockup.

“Yes, well, do not let her know that. If she hears it from you sister will believe that We art a coward who dareth not speak to her about it.” Luna says as she starts formulating an ‘escape’ plan while having to duck slightly, the small utility hallway low enough her horn could hit the ceiling.

“Noted.” Jack opened another door, this one leading to a small storage room. He went to the door on the left, hacked it, and ducked behind the corner when it opened to reveal the central terminal, which was now crawling with soldiers. “Okay, we’re going to run, gun, duck into the customer service shop, activate a Claptrap, get it to open the office, and meet up with Wilhelm and Celestia.”

“All somehow without dying. Let’s do this.” Luna took a bracing breath along with Jack, and they both dashed out, immediately ducking as bullets flew at them, returning fire as they jumped up a ledge, and ran into the customer service shop, which had a nursemaid Loader tidying up.

“YOU’RE GOING TO DO WHAT?!” Fragtrap’s voice yelled over the Echo.

“Uh… I got them back?” Angel belatedly informed them.

“We have no choice, I’m not that skilled to do something like that under fire, and the Claptraps here should have standard universal Steward Access to everything.” Jack reasoned, punching the big red button on the service box, and out popped a blue Claptrap.

“Hellooooo~-!”

“OH GOD! I CAN HEAR HIM ON THIS END OF THE ECHO AND HE IS GRATING!” Fragtrap yelled. “IS THAT WHAT I USED TO SOUND LIKE?!”

“Yes, now shut up you, I need a door opened!” Jack demanded of the blue box of a robot as he fired his Black Snake out the door and around the corner, Luna magically putting up a barrier over most of said door as soldiers closed in.

“Oh~Kay!” Agreed the blue doormat robot who rolled out of the shop, Luna keeping the barrier between it and the gunfire

“They’re over here!” Yelled a Legion soldier who had been calling for reinforcements.

“OH GOD, THEY HAVE GUNS!” The Claptrap yelled before folding itself up.

“We will shield you so long as you open the door, now open it!” Luna said before literally kicking the robot into action.

“On it scary lady!” Claptrap agreed, moving to the console next to the door they’d left open leading to the lockup. “Hacking the console!”

“Wrong door you piece of shit! It’s already open too!” Jack screamed as he threw a longbow mirv, forcing a group to scatter, but killing several soldiers regardless. “We need John’s office!”

“Oh… Right. Moving to the console!” He said as he started moving to the console further down the wall towards Jack’s office, but still not the one directly on it. “Hacking the console!” He said as he started doing just that. “The barrier should have two layers of security!”

“Damnation! Why must Hyperion be so complicated about everything?!” Luna demanded as she froze the feet of a few soldiers, giving Jack time to reload and finish them off.

“Obviously your country isn’t run like a corporation Luna.” Jack commented, switching to the revolver he found on the Drakensberg, and firing a beam of lightning that pierced right through a soldier’s shield and electrocuted them.

“Is he still hacking?! What kind of garbage OS is that thing running? Version .01?!” Fragtrap yelled amidst the gunfire on both of their ends.

“Access Denied~!” Cheerfully intoned the Hyperion Automated Attendant.

“Meow. It’s my birthday.” Came a bland

“Damn it! Usually the Birthday Cat workaround does it! Well, at least it scrambled this layer of security! On to the next one!” Claptrap declared as he moved across the path to the console to John’s office.

“KEEP GOING!” Jack yelled as he fought off Legionnaires, Including finally decapitating Bob with a shot from his Razorback.

“He even has to use multiple consoles for one door?! Disgusting!” Fragtrap commented.

“Access Denied~!” Intoned the HAA again.

“Damn, dirty Truxicans! Get off my lawn!” Shouted a hotdog with a bushy mustache, ten gallon hat, and a southern country accent.

“There! The Racist Hot Dog subroutine may have failed, but now all that’s left is the manual override! Pretty lady voice! How do I do that?” Claptrap requested, much to Jack and Luna’s irritation.

“Manual bypass is achieved by interfacing directly with the system.” Helpfully replied the HAA.

“Ah-heh. Heh. You’re such a kidder! Interfacing is dangerous!” Claptrap nervously stated.

“Oh my god, you are a disgrace to the family name! Just open the damn door!” Fragtrap yelled.

“Do it or We shall rip thee apart and force open the door instead!” Luna snarled at the robot, which cowered before going to the system access that was opposite the door, plugging a cable into it from his chassis.

“Okay, here goes! Ow! OW! *sounds of electrocution*” Claptrap then shuddered and fell back, going limp as he died from interfacing, the door opening at last. With that, Jack and Luna dove into the elevator, the door closing just as several grenades landed at where their hooves had been.

[John’s Office]

Luna and Jack sighed in relief as they stepped off the elevator, walking a short bit into the well air-conditioned hallway to reveal dozens of red Claptraps in cubicles working at computers and a Fast Travel station. “Okay, we’re in John’s office.” Jack reported as he and Luna walked down the hall towards the giant heavy doors at the very end of the way-too-long hallway.

“Perfect. Now that you’re there, can you try contacting Wilhelm? I can’t seem to get him on the line for some reason.” Angel asked in annoyance.

“If you can’t, then why would I be able to? If it’s John’s actual office interfering somehow, then it’s unlikely I’d be able to get through to him with this huge ass door sealed tighter than a virgin’s chastity belt.” Jack asked as he and Luna neared the doors, a cleaning robot bumping into Luna’s hooves on the way.

“Please don’t make a comment like that again, you sounded way too much like Moxxi for a second Uncle Jack.” Angel grumbled. “That said, could you at least try? It’s unlike the Echonet to lose connection.”

“Hey, can you guys turn on the fast travel station so we can get in. We found the jammer on this end and shut it down, so can you turn the station? Should be before the hall that leads to my office.” John requested of them, so Jack and Luna backtracked down the hall.

“Already done.” Luna reported, pressing buttons on the holographic display.

“Hold it, it’s back on the list, coming in.” John warned them, so they stood back and watched John and Fragtrap digistruct on this end. “Okay, let’s get organized, find out where Wilhelm and Celestia are, go collect them, and figure out how we’re going to get to the Eye of Helios.”

“Sounds like the start of a good plan.” Jack responded as they walked down the hall, John holding up a remote he took from his Echo, pressing a button. The door then made a loud clicking noise, before pulling open and revealing the massive office, easily five times the size of the cubicle area at the other end of the hall. “Geez bro, overcompensating for something?”

“Yeah, yeah. Get it out of your sys...tem.”

The group looked on in horror as they saw the naked upper half of Celestia peak out over the desk as she looked down to someone else. The elder sister was like a white-coated version of the moon princess, just as beautiful and busty, if not even more so. “Ready for round two, stuuuuu-”

“Sister! Who is assaulting thine privates?!” Luna asked, a massive blush on her face as she freaked the fuck out.

… And then Wilhelm sat up.

Author's Note

Home Renovations make GJ a tired boy, have a chappy though.

The 4000 Year-Old Virgin.

[Helios Station]

“Alright, let’s do this. Maybe we can get a head start on Jack, ey buddy?” Wilhelm asked to the air. “... Buddy?...” Wilhelm looks around, only to find no sign of Fragtrap. “... Shit.” He tried to hail them on the Echo. “... Fuck, that’s dead.”

Wherever the New-U sent him, this was a rather swank place considering it was still in pieces. He could still see exposed wiring and pipes in the walls… Actually, scratch that, an entire section of hallway to his left wasn’t even finished, a movable O2 barrier being the only reason why he wasn’t getting the readings of a Vacuum.

Suddenly, the door around the corner to his right shut. “The hell was that?” He asked himself as he turned the corner to check… Only to have a large, white, busty alicorn slam into him.

“Oof! Out of my way, you- AH! MERCENARY!” The alicorn, who was now on her ass shouted at him before pinning him against the wall with magic. “I will not perish here, mercenary. Who do you work for?! Who sent you?! I’ll send you their head, you-”

“I work for Luna, and I can tell you’re trying to crush my neck with magic.” Wilhelm said as he started pushing against her magic with some effort. It was obvious she thought he was a normal pony, and not an android… as he was. “Can you stop it with the fucking magic now?”

Celestia stood in stunned silence for a moment, then dropped her magic without a word. “... What kind of mercenaries did my sister hire? How much did you cost?!” Her last question was coated with a hint of disgust, as if she absolutely abhorred the idea of her sister hiring mercenaries of what she presumed was a high caliber.

“Well, my contract was two million. Couldn’t say about the others.” Wilhelm said as he dusted himself off a bit. “Speaking of, you wouldn’t have happened to have seen a modified Claptrap and another unicorn, have you?”

“What? No. I’ve been running from Dahl soldiers, and I only recently lost them. There’s been nobody in this hallway other than myself so far.” Celestia informed him, looking back from where she came with concern. “I wish I’d brought my shield and sidearm at the least, but I hadn’t thought I would be in any danger.”

“Oh really. When you were down on Pandora sitting in your bed and looking up at the sky, what the fuck did you think the laser hitting the moon was about?” Wilhelm asked sarcastically.

“... Mining operations? Scav removal?” Celestia answered with a shrug.

The android immediately facepalmed. “You can’t be this fucking dense.”

“No, just uninformed. I’ll have you know that I don’t exactly have time to deal with the matters of my sister’s moon while I am ruling over my section of Pandora.” Celestia explained with crossed arms and a disapproving glare.

As she continued on with her lecture, Wilhelm tuned her out and took this opportunity to have a good look at her. She seemed similar to her sister, if not a bit… larger. She was certainly a bit taller, but her proportions seemed to be a bit… ‘fluffier’ as well. Her bust and rather large behind both luckily helped to accentuate her tight, black dress that hugged her form in all the right ways. After what felt to Wilhelm like thirty minutes, but was actually about a few minutes of just looking at her, she finally realized he wasn’t listening and started waving her arms at him. “Hmm? What’s up? I spaced out for a moment there.”

“Were you even listening to what I was saying?” Celestia fumed, her face getting a bit flushed.

“I heard the start of it, then I tuned you out when you started getting all ‘high and mighty’ on me.” Wilhelm stated flatly, a blank glare on his face.

“I-!... I just realized that I got a bit preachy there… I apologize.” Celestia said as she looked down, her face now a brilliant pink. “We really must get going, though, before the Dahl soldiers-.”

“I think I hear her this way!” Came the cry of a Legion soldier.

“Move!” Wilhelm commanded as he grabbed Celestia’s arm and started running away from the direction of the voice.

“But that is the way of the unfinished-”

“It’ll have to do, Princess.”

[Helios Commons]

After a good bit of running, Wilhelm stopped them. Celestia was breathing heavily, partially because during the time they were running, Wilhelm had to drag them through a non-ventilated section of the unfinished commons, which unlike the rest of Helios was using hexagonal structuring more than the traditional rectangular structure. According to the signs, this place was meant to become a residential area.

“Are you quite done?! Thanks to your lack of warning, I nearly suffocated back there!” Celestia yelled at the android. “What do you have to say for yourself?” Celestia demanded as she caught her breath.

“What a fine thank you.” Wilhelm stated dryly. “I ran us through that because while there’s oxygen on either side of that gap, you can’t transmit sound through the vacuum, and I don’t know about you, but there’s a jammer blocking my Echo, making it impossible for them to hear me.” He let go of her arm and started walking further into the commons. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

Celestia stood slack jawed at how Wilhelm has treated her. It was certainly a far cry from how her subjects treat her back in her country on Pandora. “Where do you get off speaking to a Princess like this?” She asked a bit more casually. “I haven’t had anyone speak to me like that other than my parents.”

“Yeah? Sounds like shit. Everyone needs a good slap to the ego every now and then.” Wilhelm said, just as dryly.

“Ego?! Excuse you. I am-”

Wilhelm whipped around and punched a dent into one of the finished walls. “Do not start that shit again with me unless you want me to abandon your ass here.” Wilhelm growled at the princess. “So long as I’m stuck with you, I’m gonna have to keep you safe. That means do not hold your ‘authority’ above me, because right now, it does not exist. I am saving your ass from people who care even less about who you are, so do not give me a reason to care as little as they do. Am I understood?”

“Y-yes. You are understood quite clearly.” She stammers, his speech having been a shock to her system. Celestia paused with a mixture of fear and silent awe for how well the stallion was composing himself in such a situation. She silently thought to herself that if he was down on Pandora, he would have made for one great warlord that would probably rival her own nation all on his own… Nah, he’d probably just be one of the tyrants that went crazy and killed all his subjects or turned them into psychos.

“Come on, this way” Wilhelm ordered, waving towards one of the more finished-looking hallways. “This looks better than the rest of the hallways. If it’s like I think it is, there should be a Fast Travel somewhere along the way.”

“Or it could be a respawn station that the workers used just in case something happened.” Celestia snarked, already disliking being stuck with this stallion.

“Yes, but there’s also the fact that we passed by one a ways back, and they would have built outwards. So either we’re nearing an elevator or we’re nearing a fast travel.” Wilhelm said, flexing his basic knowledge of construction.

“There they are!” Came a shout from behind them, and they quickly began running again, this time bullets ricocheting off of the floor and walls around them as they fled. They rounded a bend and fell into an elevator shaft. Luckily for them, it had no gravity in it, nor did it have elevator cars, allowing Wilhelm to quickly switch out his legs and jet them upwards. Thankfully there were utility signs painted already indicating what floor they were on, and the shaft started looking more complete the further up they went. Seems the residential area was suspended off the 'ceiling' somewhere in Helios, instead of built on the ‘ground’. Fast Travel and New-U. What miracles to building design.

The two stopped on the topmost floor, with Wilhelm switching his legs back so they could walk along as normal. “Alright. We have to get moving, but it’s unlikely those Legion morons are likely to find us that fast.” Wilhelm said as he started walking on without her.

“How did-how did you manage that?” Celestia asked as she ran to catch up, confused as to what the fuck just happened.

“Well, technically speaking, I am an android. I used to be a cyborg, but thanks to an alternate version of John with a lot more resources, I have been turned into a biomechanical android. He’s even given me parts I can swap out with a built-in digistruct system.” Wilhelm explained before stopping for a moment to smirk at her. “And before you say something, yes, my dick still works.” He then continues walking, leaving a blushing Celestia behind him.

“I-I wasn’t thinking anything like that!” She lied. Her thoughts earlier had indeed gone over how he would have most likely been a stallion in her bedchambers at some point, considering her other would be suitors. Damn him! Uncouth mercenary!

Wilhelm turned a corner and looked back, only to see Celestia still paused a good ways back. “Hey, are you coming? This section is actually complete.” He looked back down the corner he had turned, then back at her. “There’s some vending machines up ahead. Maybe we could get some coffee or something. Hell, the Fast Travel’s probably this way.”

“A good assumption, considering where people travel, they tend to need things.” Celestia agreed, rejoining Wilhelm and following him to a quite pleasant cafe area with several vending machines and a cafeteria line with an auto-chef boasting quite an impressive menu of options, despite how it was set up to currently digistruct meal parts, instead of using fresh items.

“Wow. This is… this is actually a good menu.” Wilhelm said as he looked over the options. “Oh shit, steak.” He then proceeded to go through the food line and order himself some digistructed steak. “Huh, they even hooked everything up. Smart construction people.”

“Would you order me some avocado whole wheat toast, a quinoa salad, and a block of tofu?” Celestia asked, trying to hide her actual thoughts on the meal.

“... You’re kidding me. Give me your actual order or you can do it yourself.” Wilhelm said as he waited for his steak and potatoes to finish cooking. They may have been digistructed in, but actual cooking is better than digistructed and spiced cooking. At least this way there was more actual flavor in the cooking, and not just the finished product without the differences cooking techniques cause. “Well?”

Celestia scowled at him for a moment, trying to outlast his glare and his will, but caved after a minute. “... Chicken-fried steak and mashed potatoes, hold the gravy.”

“A mare after my own heart.” He said casually before ordering it, then changing his own order to match it. Luckily, the robot could just dump his order into a digistructor for re-purposing the mass, so it was an easy change. The mercenary then walked over and sat at a table, then motioned for Celestia to sit across from him. “So. You and your sister are princesses. What exactly do you do?”

Celestia seemed to straighten up a bit. “Well, we rule together to help break up the executive administration of-.”

“I thought we were over this with the food. Cut the crap, what do you really do?” Wilhelm demanded, the mare glaring at him before huffing out of her nose.

“...I war with the bandit clans while Luna keeps fawning over that blasted rock below us.” Celestia grumbled with displeasure.

“There we go. Also, rock? Mind explaining what that means?” Wilhelm asked as he got up to go get the finished meals.

“Elpis is a blasted rock where no vegetation grew, even when it had its own breathable atmosphere. It was an inhospitable wasteland that made Pandora look like paradise. Methane seas regularly conjured cryo storms that swept the surface, the beasts were much more diverse and violent, and it has always been an eyesore with how it actually absorbs some of our sun’s light rather than refracting it.” Celestia snarled in disgust as Wilhelm nodded along.

“... So it was better and easier to control than that flaming ball of dirt and sand that you live on, and you’re jealous.” The android said with a smirk.

“Of course I’m jealous! She gets all the love! All the looks! I’m stuck driving a damn desk while she’s out cutting ribbons and kissing the scalps of foals!” Celestia snarled as she went off about her sister. “And to top it all off, I’m the solar princess! They hate the fucking sun beating down on their necks so much, and they fucking love when the moon comes out! When that rock, as dull as it is, helps illuminate the barren wastes without cooking them alive!”

“Wow. Sounds rough.” Wilhelm said as the robot delivered their trays of food between them.

“OF COURSE IT’S FUCKING ROUGH!” Celestia roared, before grabbing her fried steak with her hands and taking a bite out of it in frustration.

“Knife and fork, please.” Wilhelm said, giving her a look of disapproval. “I know you’re pissed, but that’s no excuse to just give the finger to manners.” Wilhelm then heard the sounds of someone fucking about in the distant elevator shaft. “... Actually fuck it, they might be coming. Eat it. Enjoy it. Then let’s fucking go.”

Celestia and Wilhelm both dug into their meals, then got up and started to run, just as the first Legion soldier showed his ugly mug. “They’re this wa-AGH!” His shout was cut short as Wilhelm shot him in the throat with a glitch Vladof pistol he had acquired in Fragtrap’s head.

“Get the lead out, Princess!” Wilhelm yelled as he went to grab her arm again, then stopped to shoot another Legion soldier in the head. “Now, please!”

“Pardon me if-*huff*-a desk job isn’t-*puff*- conductive to fitness!” Celestia complained, managing to get her big butt moving with a bit of help from her wings.

“Then get a fucking exercise bike in your office!” Wilhelm shouted as he covered their rear. Soon enough, they reached another open area, this one even had a giant ‘skylight’ window offering a view into space… Or it would have a view of space if there wasn’t an incoming squadron of Dahl jet fighters escorting a dropship. “We need to fucking move. NOW!” Wilhelm yelled as he grabbed the princess’s wrist and ran for the nearest door, just in time for the fighters to shoot out the glass and come in with the dropship.

The emergency airlock would not help as the dropship’s back end held the pneumatic blast shields open. Several Legion soldiers began pouring out of the green vehicle as it opened, all with guns trained on the two runners. They opened fire, forcing Wilhelm to shove the princess in front of him as they ran so his shield would take the bullets, instead of the currently suffocating princess. The two managed to get out just in time for the blast doors leading into the room to shut behind them.

Celestia was breathing heavily, glad for the oxygen rich atmosphere. Wilhelm tugged on her wrist again. “Come on. We don’t have time to rest. They’re likely to have a way to cut through that, or failing that, have reinforcements coming around the other way.”

“P-Please. I just… I need a moment to breathe.” Celestia begged as she held her chest tightly, tears building up in her eyes. “I can’t breathe without atmosphere like my sister… And this is all a bit much for me.”

Wilhelm looked at her for a moment, then dropped his look of urgency for a moment. He sighed as he stepped near her and picked her up. “Take a breather. I’ll get us to the Fast Travel.” He said as he began to walk, carrying the large princess bridal style and getting her to blush profusely. They remained silent as Wilhelm jogged down the hallway, eventually coming across a Fast Travel station. He set her down in front of it and got into a ready position. “Alright, try and get somewhere safe. Somewhere on the station if you must. If that’s the case, though, tell me first so I can follow after-”

“It’s not working.” Celestia stated worriedly.

“What do you mean it’s not working?” Wilhelm asked, a bit surprised.

“I mean it isn’t working. I think it isn’t fully installed, or the Fast Travel function at least wasn’t finished.” Celestia declared with her ears wilted, pointing at the red hologram of a planet with an X on it floating over that station.

“What? God damn it. If it’s working, it’s installed. That means it’s the fucking jammer.” Wilhelm said before punching the wall. “Son of a bitch. We’ll have to disable-”

“GOT ‘EM!” Cried a Legion soldier as he rounded the corner and shot blindly at the two. Luckily, most of the bullets slammed into Wilhelm’s shield and stopped on impact.

But then he got lucky as one of the bullets whizzed past Wilhelm’s head and hit Celestia. The Princess yelped as Wilhelm fired a single shot into the soldier’s head…right before Celestia instinctively teleported them away to a different section of the station.

[Totally not John’s Office]

Wilhelm and Celestia fell a foot down to the floor, as Celestia’s emergency teleport was not entirely accurate. The solar diarch crumpled onto the ground and leaned against the rather large desk next to them as she clutched her shoulder and head in pain. “Fuck me!” She cried as she held firmly onto her left shoulder, her other hand rubbing her temple and horn from the sudden teleport.

“The hell are we, anyways?” Wilhelm asked as he set about hacking into the computer set into the large desk to turn on the room's automated defenses.

“S-somewhere safe.” Celestia said through her pain. “God it hurts.” Celestia hissed, her horn sparking with her golden magic as she rubbed the long fluted bone while clutching her shoulder even harder.

“Hold on, let me get a look.” Wilhelm said as he crouched down in front of her.

“Alright, just… Tell me how bad it is.” Celestia said, wincing as she lowered her hand from her shoulder.

Wilhelm pulled out some gauze from his Echo before he looked at her injury… Then nearly facepalmed. “Oh come on. It’s not bad at all. You just-” Wilhelm suddenly heard his Echo connect to someone else.

“Hey, where the hell are you man?” Jack asked a second later, his card and Luna’s appearing on his Echo HUD.

Celestia groaned in pain before Wilhelm was able to speak. “Oh shit, hey guys.”

“Is that…Sister?” Luna asked, vaguely recognizing the mare’s voice.

“Yeah, I believe I have Celestia here with me. She got grazed and teleported us here when the New-U failed to fast travel us.” Wilhelm explained as he messed with Celestia’s ‘wound’. “Oh hold still, you didn’t even get bruised. Your shirt just got cut from the bullet.”

“Where is ‘here’?” Jack asked.

“Understandable. Hopefully We may be able to assist later.” Luna said, her Echo Card smiling with her joy.

“Alright, catch up with you later.” Wilhelm hung up as Celestia’s whining picked up. “Oh hush. Your shirt is- Oh shit, might have gotten your bra, too. Hold on.” The android pulled out a small sewing kit (god knows when he got that), and began to quickly fix both the shirt… and somehow also the bra, all without forcing Celestia to take off her clothes. “Alright, that should do it.”

“Y-you can sew?” Celestia asked with awe, making Wilhelm blink.

“Yeah. It’s kind of a basic skill you get taught in school.” Wilhelm stated with a small ounce of pride in his voice.

“...Schools on other planets teach people how to sew?” Celestia asked in astonishment, her horn sparking again.

“Uh...yeah?” Wilhelm knew Pandora was a shithole, but they don’t have sewing as a normal skill?

“You are a bold badass that can sew. That is so hot.” Celestia declared, breathing heavier.

“... Um… Wha-.” Wilhelm was suddenly pulled into a tight hug and an equally tight kiss.

Celestia broke off the kiss a moment later and stared down at the stallion she had trapped in her bosom. “Y’know, I don’t think I’ve ever truly had a man like you in my life~.”

[Later]

Wilhelm lay on the ground, Celestia on his crotch, still. The two of them laying in the afterglow in this stranger’s office. The two certainly enjoyed each other’s company.

“Wow… I needed that. It’s been so long I might as well have somehow become a virgin again.” Celestia declared happily, making Wilhelm snort in amusement.

“Again? If that’s the case, then it must have been several thousands of years since you last had a good night.” He said with a chuckle.

“No reminding me how old I am.” Celestia joked with a playful slap at his chest.

“No reminding me how young I am in comparison.” Wilhelm said with equal humor. The two sat in silence for a moment after that, somehow not hearing as the doors to the office opened, or the people talking as they entered as Celestia sat up.

“Ready for round two, stuuuuu-” Celestia froze at realizing she was being seen, naked, by several strangers.

“Sister! Who is assaulting thine privates?!” Luna asked, a massive blush on her face as she freaked the fuck out.

… And then Wilhelm sat up.

“... I’m not apologizing.”

Author's Note

I Blame Duncan :twilightblush:

Hot Dunks in Space Jam!

Author's Note

It's been 4 years. Four. Years. I blame Duncan. :rainbowderp: *gets killed by readers*

But then again, 4 years later, both DJ and I have new computers, and Pre-Sequel isn't hemorrhaging like an epileptic hyena and kicking us out of each other's games. I'll be dragging him into docs more often, I promise! :scootangel:

Hot Dunks in Space Jam!

[Triton Flats]

“You’ve gotta be joshing me! You mean to say she…?!” Springs asked incredulously with a bit of drool on her muzzle.

“Swallowed me whole? Yes.” Jack boasted with a grin. “Took me all the way down her throat. It was so fucking hot.”

“And she was also fingerin’ yer back door?” Springs asked for reiteration, and Jack sheepishly scratched his cheek as he nodded. “That’s a right sexy mare! I’d love to have a go at her.” Janey said excitedly as she imagined what a talented mare could do to her instead.

“Sorry but she said she was completely straight, so I’m afraid even if I still had her number she’d turn you down.” Jack apologized to his fast pervert friend, who sighed and fanned herself with a hand in disappointment.

“Damn, it seems most of the good ones are. This overpopulated galaxy seriously needs to consider homosexuality an overpopulation fix.” Janey complained, only to hear a loud clank inside the Stingray garage. “Hey Athena, was that the system going-.”

“AAAAAH!” Came a scream from the garage.

“That was Wilhelm’s Scream! Athena’s got him!” Jack panicked as Janey hopped across the room and literally kicked the solid foot-thick metal door down with her ridiculously powerful roo legs in a fit of fury.

“GIT OFFA HIM! TAKE ME INSTEAD!” Springs screamed angrily as she jumped into the garage, and Jack stayed safe on his crate until Wilhelm suddenly dashed into the entryway and grabbed his arm on the way out, dragging him out into the vacuum.

“Ow! Fuck! Dude your grip! You’re hurting-!”

“SHUT UP AND GET IN THE DAMN ZOOMIE!” Wilhelm said, shoving Jack into the turret seat of the Moon Buggy before jumping into the driver’s seat, jamming on the accelerator and hitting the boost.

“GET BACK HERE!” A familiar angry female voice shrieked over the short-range Echo, and Jack gave out a girly scream at the sight of Athena flying after them, even in low gravity, and with Springs clinging to her legs.

“MUST. DRIVE. FASTER!” Wilhelm screamed as he looked around at the controls in front of him, desperately trying to find a way to move faster. Sadly, he couldn’t find anything. “JACK! START FIRING! THIS THING DOESN’T GO FASTER!”

“But she’s our ally! And Springs-!”

“I WILL RIP YOUR DICKS OFF AND MAKE THEM MY NEW DILDOS!” Athena screeched madly as she ignored the bottom-heavy roo climbing up her legs with grit teeth.

“SET THE DAMN THING TO STUN, DAMN IT!” Wilhelm commanded.

“AH’VE GOT THE HEN!” Janey called out over Echo, and she grabbed Athena’s wings, sending them plummeting into a conveniently placed air bubble console that activated on impact while the two stallions continued their escape. “GIT TO THE CANYON!”

“SPRINGS~! FUCK ME~!” Athena suddenly changed tone, and Jack quickly muted the short-range Echo with a relieved sigh.

“And that is why we never went to Persephone or Zeus.” Jack joked, referencing the homeworlds of the feline and griffin races respectfully.

“I DON’T WANT NONE OF THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW JACK!” Wilhelm yelled as he took them speeding towards a huge jump that looked like it was just a bit too big for the buggy to clear. “NONE OF THAT!”

“Uh...Wil? Isn’t that the jump we need the-.”

“Stop right now!” Angel demanded over Echo, causing Wilhelm to slam on the brakes and stop just before the ramp. “If you try to jump with that buggy, you’ll just be melted in lava, and waste time and money.”

“NONE OF THAT SHIT!” Wilhelm yelled, hitting the boost again.

“DAMN IT WILHELM~!” Jack screamed in a cracking high-pitched voice, and they clearly weren’t going to make it, so he climbed out of his seat, and jumped, looking down to see Wilhelm had the same idea, and they both rolled when they hit the ramp on the other side. “I know cats and grifs are scary buck, but damn it!”

“Fuck you! Also, how the hell are you even talking to us Angel? Aren’t you in estrus?” Wilhelm asked grumpily as he dusted himself off and led Jack towards another Zoomie console.

“Yes, of course. I’m currently strapped into a chair and have my mind plugged into the Echonet via neural implant. So while my body might be hopelessly flooded with hormones, I can think rationally while I’m detached from it.” Angel reported and sighed. “But sorry if I seem distracted, even like this I’m horny as anything, so I’m going to be looking at a lot of porn.”

“Ew, niece, TMI.” Jack grimaced as they approached the console and Wilhelm interacted with it. “So...did Athena at least manage to activate the Stingray data before you jumped into the garage like an idiot and almost got jumped?”

“Yeah, I saw. AND SCREW YOU! I DID GET JUMPED!” Wilhelm yelled. “She just didn’t get that far. I’m lucky for that.”

“Don’t you have convenient digistructed genitals now though Wilhelm? I contacted Trixie, and she wouldn’t stop boasting about your new body.” Angel asked, getting Wilhelm to pause, and Jack to snigger.

“Heh, she wouldn’t have been able to get ANY then.” Jack said. “But she might’ve mauled you for that victory.”

“.... There’s a button on me. Called the other Jack earlier this morning. Asked why it was there.” Wilhelm explained. “Apparently it’s for my lover’s ‘convenience’. In other words, It’s a one hit button, and boom. There’s my dick.”

“I bet it’s the dock, isn’t it.” Jack guessed as he flicked his tail for reference. “I know I get hard when a mare tugs on me.”

“Fun bit is, it’s not even an actual button. It’s triggered by certain motions from whoever’s near me.” Wilhelm said. “... So yeah. Pretty much. It’s a little more elaborate than that, what with me apparently having pheromone sensors now that I can’t freaking use myself, but yeh. Man that would have been helpful if I could have used it myself.”

“Wait, you can’t masturbate anymore?” Jack asked with clear shock, and Wilhelm paused where he was on the menu to look at Jack with a raised eyebrow.

“Who said I couldn’t?” Wilhelm said. “Dude. I can summon it whenever I want. There’s just a way for the mares to activate it. Anyways, don’t we have a mission to do?”

“Oh dear goddesses, please stop talking like that.” Angel moaned. “The LAST thing a mare or any girl in heat needs to hear is two guys talking about their dicks...anyway, summon a couple of Stingrays, my information tells me that normal zoomies can’t handle the terrain between there and the Outlands, and the Canyon itself is a fractured mess, but Stingrays can practically fly in low gravity, so that’s not an issue.”

“Oh yeah, Atlas and Dahl co-opted the Stingray design right? I heard Atlas used them a lot on Pandora.” Jack commented as Wilhelm summoned a green and gold Stingray with a cryo missile launcher. “Green again Wil?”

“What? Have a problem with the best color ever?” Wilhelm questioned.

“You only like green because there’s almost no trees left in the galaxy.” Jack rolled his eyes as he touched the Stingray, and an exact duplicate spawned next to it.

“No… I just like green.” Wilhelm said. “Speaking of that, wasn’t there one of those customization things back in Concordia? Should have used that before leaving… OH WAIT!” Wilhelm flipped a part of his left forearm open and pressed a few buttons in the hidden panel. He flashed for a second before his clothes started digistructing themselves and replacing themselves with a mint-green variant, and also giving Wilhelm some sunglasses and a darker green beret cap. “There we go. Perfect.”

“Cool, hope you let me look at that later, I’d like to see if I could make portable customization a reality...maybe get rich off of it….” Jack mused as he climbed onto his Stingray.

“Actually little bro, you could do that. With my backing, getting a patent would be child’s play, unless Other Me decides to extend his business here.” John butted in over Echo. “Now hurry and get out there, I have to reinforce the locks on the Meriff’s office, Mustard’s beating down the door of the broom closet I shoved her into.”

“I’ll get you Johnny~!” Mustard’s muffled voice called out sickly-sweet, sending shudders down both of the stallion’s spines. Heated mares were always scary. And even though Mustard is under house arrest until things are resolved, the mare was BIG, both in girth, and in overall size, so imagining the earth pony mare beating down a door like Springs just did earlier wasn’t out of the question.

“Great. Sounds like your bro is going to get involuntarily laid.” Wilhelm teased. “Also sounds like what happened to you. Seriously, though. Sounds like he’s gonna have a fun time tonight.”

“He won’t, because if Mustard manages to break out, she’ll be able to get to me, wake me up...it won’t be pretty….” Angel whimpered. “... Also, why do you keep saying ‘sounds like’?”

“Sounds like augmented processor is glitched. Sounds like I need some help.” Wilhelm says, banging his head a couple times. “Sounds like I really need some help.”

“Okay...good luck, I guess.” Jack muttered as he hit his android friend before the two both took off down the broken highway through the gate.

[Outlands Canyon]

“Whoa...Angel wasn’t kidding, that back there was almost nothing but giant gaps and lava.” Jack commented as they passed through another gate at the end of the fractured highway that was completely destroyed in the Crackening.

“Tell me about it, I haven’t seen terrain since back when I went hiking and biking up around that one park.” Wilhelm said. “Jeeze. I still remember how I fucked up my ankle for that one project just to film it. Had to hike up the damn hills in the back of the park. Sucked ass… Dear god, that was high school! I hated high school!”

“Guys! Wait-up~!” Fragtrap’s voice rang out over Echo, and the two parked stallions looked behind to see Fragtrap close in with his Stingray all wobbly due to being unused to operating a vehicle. “Whew! You two took off before I could even get on the highway.”

“Frag? What’re ya doin’ here little buddy?” Wilhelm asked curiously, nobody even mentioned Fragtrap for a while, so the little robot slipped his mind. “Something wrong?”

“Oh, I’m fine! It’s not like I got left behind and had to roll all the way out here ON MY OWN!” Fragtrap yelled, his voice distorting darkly. “SERIOUSLY! Why did you guys just leave me behind?! NOT COOL!”

“Whoa, hay, run your coolant a bit Frag. Things were getting crazy with the Cycle kicking in without us remembering it was just around the corner. We had to get the hell out of dodge before we both ended up sires to like, ten mares or something.” Jack explained, only for Frag to growl and slap his Stingray’s handlebars.

“And what do you think happened?! Companion Claptraps are a similar model to me!” Frag roared, making Wilhelm’s simulated face practically glow red.

“Oh shit...uh...sorry little buddy.” Wilhelm apologized earnestly, making Frag huff as he crossed his little robot arms.

“What?” Jack asked in confusion, making Wilhelm pretend to clear a cough.

“Companion Claptraps have special...interfaces for certain...things….” Wilhelm’s ears tilted back at the thought, but his tail flicked instinctively.

“What?! EW-HEW-HEW-HEW~! Who would WANT to...INTERFACE, with a Claptrap?!” Jack demanded, making Fragtrap growl.

“A LOT of VERY desperate mares, cats, dogs, griffins, and other robots for your information! I had to beat them off with the butt of my Flakker II!”

“Oi! You three whose signals just came into range! Help!” A young boy’s squeaky voice screamed over the Echo with an ear-hurting crack to it, the ECHO card showing a helmet-wearing young roo boy.

“Oh god damn it. The fuck is that noise?!” Wilhelm yells, instinctively slapping his hands up to the sides of his head to cover his ears…. And also turn off his audio receptors. “Ah… Much better.”

“Sounds like a cat in a blender!” Fragtrap complained.

“Who are you kid?” Jack questioned as he rubbed his ears.

“I’m Pickle! I’m a little kid about to be killed by Scavs for no reason! I’m being held at the abandoned Dahl training grounds and-!” Pickle yelped as the Echo card was overtaken by the face of a Pandoran Skag of all things.

“Got ya you little brat!” It declared in the same deep distorted voice of RIP, the one who blew up Deadlift’s ship. “Who were you talking to?” The line cut out, likely RIP turned off whatever console Pickle was using.

“Of course.” Angel sighed. “I have the location, you’d better hurry if Pickle is going to be alive to help us.”

“Oh that’s just great.” Jack muttered, slapping Wilhelm’s shoulder and pointing at his own ear. “Turn your ears back on damn it. I get his voice is annoying but that’s not enough to deafen yourself.”

“What?!” He yells back at Jack. “I turned off my audio receptors! I can’t hear shit!”

“Ugh, we don’t have time for this!” Jack snarled, instead driving his Stingray further into the canyon, jumping across gaps.

“Oh, come on, Jack!” Wilhelm shouted as he quickly turned on his receptors and chased after the stallion.

“Vault Hunters!” Came Hellhound’s voice over the Echo as his image card appeared in their displays. “My offer of mercy on Concordia is extended to you as well. If you leave with them, we won’t pursue. This is my final warning. Leave Elpis. Or die.” Hellhound’s words were punctuated by the Eye of Helios priming up, and managing to fire a weak blast, but only a portion of the length of the proper firing action. It seemed that the Lost Legion were getting it back online, but it wasn’t anywhere near at full capacity.

“Well shit...that was still 10 million bucks well spent. Hurry up little bro, Elpis is on borrowed time.” John reminded them. “Oh! Right. I still have a present for you two. You should pick them up when you get to a New-U station.”

“Sure thing Johnny boy!” Fragtrap agreed as the trio continued to navigate the perilous fractured landscape of the eastern edge of the outlands canyon.

“Don’t look down. Don’t look down. You’ve been at this for hours already. You’re over it for now.” Jack muttered to himself as he jumped his stingray up onto a ledge, and yelped as he had to duck from scav fire, moving his stingray closer to the Dahl buildings that were atop the cliff for cover.

This was opposed to Wilhelm, who just yelled, “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” At the top of his lungs as he made the jump.

“Banzai~!” Cheered Fragtrap as he followed their lead.

“Damn this is a lot of scavs. This place must be-yow!” Jack huffed as a huge volleyball bounced off of his head and got stuck in the forward intake vent, somehow not popping, and instead overheating and forcibly shutting down the main engine of his Stingray. “The absolute fuck?! No wonder these things were considered toys!”

“WEEEEEEEEE!” Wilhelm continued to yell as his stingray crashed near Jack, the large android stallion coming to a nice landing next to him as his former ride explodes.

“You’ve been doing that for hours! It isn’t that fun!” Jack complained as Fragtrap missed the last jump, yelping as he bailed out of his Stingray, tumbling and getting stuck on his back again near the two unicorns, all with them still getting shot at by scavs who couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.

“Fuck you, it’s great. Especially when that shit happens.” Wilhelm says as he walks over, and kicks Fragtrap back upright. “There ya go, little buddy.” He blindly points back and shoots the scavs on the roof with his shotgun. “Should be fine now.”

“Well, we’re on the right path at least.” Jack grumbled, getting off his former ride and yanking the incredibly durable volleyball off the front intake, squinting at a name written in marker on it. “Who the hell is Dunks Watson?”

“Oh god no.” His android companion says, facepalming.

“Dunks Watson?! He’s the greatest B-Ball player in the galaxy! He once did a quintuple front-flip dunk that broke the hoop!” Fragtrap gushed, looking excited as he jumped around. “Oh man! I can’t wait to get an autograph!” With that, the little bot wheeled off as fast as he could towards where the ball came from, over the small mountain.

“IT’S NOT WORTH IT, LITTLE BUDDY!” Wilhelm yelled as he chased after the delusional bot.

“Wait! Aren’t there scavs still shooting at us?” Jack asked conversationally, firing the Black Snake off to their right side at the scrap hoarders as he followed them past a few Dahl toilets, around a small lake of methane which smelled just as bad as the toilets did, and jumped down a cliff to end up in an oxygen bubble with his companions, blinking as he realized he’d carried the volleyball in his other arm the whole way. “The hell did I bring this f-?”

“My basketball! Yo dude, give it here!” The overly tall 8-foot, emaciated, pristine white unicorn held out his hands, accepting the ball that Jack bewilderedly returned to the 3D-glasses wearing freak in clothes far too baggy for him.

Wilhelm looks to the unicorn and back at the ball. “... That’s a volleyball.”

“Alright dawgs! Time to slam and jam!” Dunks declared as he bounced the ball between his hands, moving to a running distance from the jump pad facing the one-hoop basketball court.

“BUT THAT’S A VOLLEYBALL, YOU MORON!” Wilhelm yelled, upset at this idiot as the reporter’s surveyor drone took rapid pictures for some reason.

“Dunks is lining up. Let’s see if he can get the height he needs to perform what scientists have dubbed: ‘The Ultimate Slam Dunk’.” Announced the kangaroo reporter in a khaki vest.

“Let’s do this!” As Dunks took his fist steps towards the jump pad, Wilhelm pulled out a shock pistol he ripped off a random scav, and shot the pad, overcharging it. Nobody seemed to notice it, and the second Dunks stepped on it, he went flying into the atmosphere. “BASKETBAAAA-!” Wilhelm tossed the pistol at the ground, and quickly pulled out his glitching sniper rifle. As he fired, the rifle turned red, and a LOUD bang resonates from the weapon.

The sportscaster looked on in horror as he unintentionally records Dunks’ head exploding in red viscera, his dead body floating off into space as the ball careens back towards the ground. Wilhelm just stares on as he turns his cameras to the android. “What? It was a mercy shot. He was gonna die anyways.”

“Eh, he was a moron, got what he deserved.” Jack shrugged without any care for this nonsense.

“Noooooo~! Dunks~!” Fragtrap wailed, sobbing at the death of the oddly beloved sports idiot.

“Oh...well then. Ahem. Dunks Watson jumped SO high, he broke Elpis’ gravitational pull! A truly momentous day for b-ball anyway you put it.” The reporter announced before his surveyor clicked off. “Okay, I need a shot of someone making an epic slam dunk or I’m not getting paid.”

“How in the fuck…HOW DID IT SURVIVE?!” Wilhelm, enraged, shot the ball, only for the bullet to bounce off and hit a random scav who had come to watch. “HOW IN THE FUCK?!” Wilhelm roared, running at the ball and kicking it, sending it flying off into the canyons far below where it could be some thresher or tork’s problem. “I’ll be your athlete, but I don’t need no damn volleyball!” Wilhelm declared, backing up for a running start at the jump pad.

“Alright, recording again in three...two….” The reporter mouthed One and the surveyor’s lights turned back on. “With Dunks gone, we’re gonna need a new athlete to show the world their stuff! You won’t even need a ball, just jump into the air and SLAM down on that hoop to complete the most slam-jammingest b-ball dunk!”

“Doesn’t that defeat the-.” Jack got a rock to the head for his attempted comment.

“There’s no fucking ball Jack! I’d rather use my own butt!” The ultra-violent android declared, getting ready.

“If you could do it whilst engulfed in flames, that would be even MORE slam-jammingest!” The reporter called out, making Jack smirk as he dug into his echo, pulling out a weak scav shotgun with fire element. “I only wanna see ONE b-ball player on the court at a time. The glory of this slam-jam cannot be split amongst the team!” The announcer declared, making Jack frown and Wilhelm chuckle.

“Whatever. I got this.” He says as Wilhelm whips his shotgun back out and shoots the barrel. The android ignites just as he steps onto the pad, sending him high up into the air. In the next moment, he comes down on the hoop in a buttslam, making it explode. “And that’s how you do it!”

“Wilhelm has SLAMMED and JAMMED the hoop! The repercussions of this moment will be felt for eons to come!” The announcer declared excitedly as Wilhelm approached. “Wilhelm! That was simply the most b-ball-tastic thing I’ve ever SEEN! What is your secret?” The reporter asked as he held his microphone out to the android who was actually giddily happy.

“Well, it was a team effort.” Wilhelm says. “I gotta thank you. I gotta give it up to Dunks Watson. And you know I have to give huge thanks to my deity, the Almighty Robot Policeman. All praise the prime directives.”

“Wise words from the most ballingest athlete to ever hit the court!” The reporter held out his hand for a handshake, which Wilhelm took…and then abused by overcharging his hand via his magic core and electrocuting him, simultaneously taking out the camera as electricity arced off the roo before he exploded violently in a rain of viscera.

“Welp. That takes care of that.” Wilhelm said as he brushed his hands off. “Now, what were we doing again?”

“Before you actively murdered two people on a live feed, you were going to go save Pickle.” Angel huffed in irritation. “Don’t worry, I intercepted the feed before you shot Dunks.”

“Shit. Tell me you have a recording of all of that, though.” The android said, really wanting to watch it later. “That shit was hilarious.”

“Yes, but would you just get to the New-U outside of the abandoned Dahl training center just east of you? Dad has something he wanted me to send you.”

“Wilhelm. Do I have to act as your murderblocker?” Jack grumbled while they all walked from the court towards the entrance of the defunct training center.

“Don’t hate on a droid if he’s got a murder-boner on for a couple of useless fuckwits!” Fragtrap suddenly defended, his voice deeper and distorted again.

“Thanks, little buddy.” Wilhelm said as he fistbumped the modified CL4P-TP.

“Whatever you two. You’re almost as bad as Nisha and Aurelia, they both get off on violence and killing. Good fap material though. I’m digitizing dad’s present over to you now that you’ve found a local New-U.” Angel reported as the New-U in front of the compound lit up, delivering another small crate for them.

“Hey~! You’ve, uh, got it! That’ll-down girl! Keep you breathing-holy moley!” John patched in, lipstick marks all over his Echo card before he cut back out, the sounds of Nisha’s giggles cluing into his fate.

“Oh, GREAT! Now I might have a younger sibling on the way.” Angel groused before signing out with an irritated huff.

The three males just sighed in resignation of the fact they live in a universe where the majority of women go absolutely sex-crazy for a couple weeks a year before Wilhelm ripped the crate open. “MINE!” Wilhelm declared as he pulled one of the triangular objects out of the otherwise empty container. “The 3DD1.E is mine!” He immediately put it on and got a little hello in his head from the AI inside of it.

“Legendary Oz kits?! Sweet!” Jack cheered, picking up the Support Relay for himself. It was a great Oz Kit, but it wouldn’t be spectacular without other Support Relays nearby. “Ah, sorry Fragtrap, looks like my brother only sent you a Meteoric Freedom Oz Kit.” Jack apologized, but in all honesty it had a much higher air capacity than the ones they got from Springs.

Fragtrap wept with joy as he equipped his new Oz kit. “John sent me a gift? *sniff* I feel so loved! Almost like I-Personality Detected! Deleting!-And I’m suddenly empty again! So empty~! Wah~!”

Hot Dogs and Explosions!

[Outlands Canyon]

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Jack mumbled, his split lip bleeding as he planted one of the two tadpole threshers in the planter box in the rocket. “We’re going to be responsible for killing so many people, and disrupting fragile ecosystems.”

“Eh, I think they’re fun.” Wilhelm said as he petted the head of his larger thresher tadpole. “Hey Hammerlock, what did you say the name of this one was?”

“I’ve named that one Terry and the other one Slappy.” Hammerlock cheerfully informed them.

“Hey, uh...I know I’m not bound to my former regulations, but isn’t this in direct violation of planetary law section E, subsection fourteen?” Fragtrap asked. “Also, we’re under contract of Princess Luna, wouldn’t she and her sister Princess Celestia have a problem with this?”

“Yes, which is why this is being done so hush-hush little claptrap.” Hammerlock reminded. “There now, they’re nice and settled in. Just launch the delivery rocket. Seymour will have already programmed it to land near my home.”

“Fine, launching. Hopefully next time we meet you won’t demand I wrestle with one of these things.” Jack grumbled as he moved to the launch console, Wilhelm and Fragtrap getting off the platform for safety.

“Oh-ho I wouldn’t count on that. I may not like my family, but it is Hammerlock tradition to haze the in-laws. I will destroy you. Cheerio!” Hammerlock signed off as the rocket extended out from the platform and flew off towards an unsuspecting, and woefully unprepared Pandora.

“Hey Jacky…didn’t he just say that one of them is named Terry?” Wilhelm asked, a bit stoic.

“Yes Wilhelm...yes he did.” Jack sighed in resignation. “And the other was Slappy.”

“... We just unleashed Terramorphous and Old Slappy on the world.” The android said as he facepalmed.

“Why do you think I had issues with this?” Jack insisted.

“The manner in which you’re both referencing something leads me to believe you may have future knowledge. To preserve my sense of continuity and avoid processing errors, I will erase this memory chunk. What were we talking about?” Fragtrap asked curiously.

“...The little robot has the right idea, but I’d rather not erase my own memories.” Wilhelm said, still holding that facepalm.

“Better hold onto what we still have huh?” Jack asked bitterly as the trio approached Seymour, a rather plain roo with casual clothes behind his counter in his hole-in-the-wall shop. How he wasn’t dead or out of business from the nearby scav gangs was a mystery. “Okay, so. Hammerlock mentioned you’d pay us?” The fact he mentioned it while Jack was wrestling a literal tangle of tentacles into submission did not need to be made public.

“Ah yes, that charming drake sent the payment ahead for when it was done.” Seymour pulled a large briefcase out from behind the counter, opening it to reveal dozens of thousands of dollars. “I’m afraid he didn’t prepare a substantial reward for a group of Vault Hunters, but he did send this too….” Seymour knelt down and then brought out a rifle that made Jack squee in excitement. “You like it I guess?”

“I think he does… Um… I think you may have broken him.” Wilhelm said as he poked the now unresponsive stallion. “Jack, you okay in there? Hello?”

“Look at the fucking blade on that thing!” Jack gushed, grabbing the weapon and falling over onto the floor, laughing maniacally as he rolled around with the blade facing away from him. “I’m gonna STAB people so good with you!”

“... And to think. You were lecturing me about going overboard.”

“Still tame compared to my darkest fantasies. And a lot of execution demonstrations provided by the mega corporations, that John put into my database for reference.” Fragtrap appraised as he took a third of the payout. “I’m saving up for a new motherboard. Gotta get that up to spec first.”

Wilhelm switched out his left hand, then proceeded to bop the stallion on the head with his robo-fist. “Get a hold of yourself. You’re making us all look bad.”

“Naw, that’s tame compared to what Hammy does with his hunting rifles and shotguns. In fact, I’d recommend you wash that thing before you get any more intimate with it.” Seymour chuckled as Jack put it in his Echo then took it back out, essentially cleaning it. “Or that. Anything else I can do for you? I’m just a general merchant and the scavs, while scum, do have basic needs I provide for.”

“Naw, we’re good. Thanks for arranging this with Hammerlock.” Jack answered before nudging his cut of the pay over to his companions. “I’m more than happy with this gun, and I came into a million big ones before leaving Concordia.”

“Alright, let’s get moving, fellas. We have things to do. Places to go. People to kill.” Wilhelm said as he tried to push everyone along.

Once outside, the Eye of Helios fired again, this time nearly as long as it originally had been. “Damn it. Guess even with those robots onboard those moonshots other Jack sent those assholes have enough tenacity and skill to get it back online this soon.” Jack huffed in annoyance.

“Well, we could try flooding their forces with useless lesser models of myself. That should do it.” Fragtrap said, making Wilhelm and Jack both look at him in surprise. “What?! The ones up on Helios are an insult to the family name!”

“Little harsh, don’t you think, buddy?” The android asked, a bit concerned.

“Let me be the first to say that I utterly despise my product line with a vengeance. I am the first, and I am forever ashamed of the disgusting incompetence borne of my old OS.” Fragtrap declared with his spindly arms punching his flappy mitts together.

“I don’t know about that. There’s a lot of things the galaxy is dependent on steward bots for. Even if they’re annoying and fail at most of the things they do.” Jack admitted with a twitch of his brow. You couldn’t go five steps in an apartment building on some worlds without a steward bot asking you if you need a door opened or some other inane task done.

“Just you wait. When we get on helios, we’re going to run into something that requires a Claptrap, and I’m going to make you sit through all of their idiocy.” Fragtrap stated, crossing his wiry arms. “Trust me, they could all use a recall and a re-release with better software.”

“Hello. Harold Tassiter here. That is actually a rather sound idea. The little terrors do need to either be phased out or updated.” Commented the President of Hyperion, a pale-furred and oily-black maned unicorn in his advanced years appearing in the Echo card.

“Yeah, how about you hold off on doing that until we get Helios back under control…. That is, unless you want one of the Legion’s assholes doing something terrible with actually usable CL4P-TP units.” Wilhelm commented, making the powerful older stallion hum in consideration.

“Hm, good point. At this stage they’re more a hindrance to the enemy occupying my company’s most expensive asset. That said, I have some bad news. While I lay no blame for this fiasco on Luna or John, a majority of the Board is less understanding. As of this moment, I am unable to allow any more Hyperion money to be spent on the Helios Project.” Tassiter informed the group, getting a group sigh of frustration.

“Oh, of course. Damn pencil-pushing bureaucrats don’t understand an entire planet is at stake, along with all the resources that could mean for your business.” Jack grumbled as he rubbed the bridge of his snout.

“Trust me Jack, may I call you Jack?” Tassiter asked curiously, causing the younger stallion to scrunch his brows in confusion.

“Uh...yeah? It’s my name.” Jack looked at Wilhelm, who shrugged.

“Apologies, John went through a phase of sorts many years ago when he lost his wife. That aside, I do understand how much losing Helios along with Pandora and Elpis would cost us. It would destroy Hyperion. That said, while I cannot put forward any more funds to anything involving Helios, there’s nothing about any local resources I could give John and Luna permission to use to any means of taking back the station.” Tassiter smiled rather creepily on his unpleasantly wrinkled aquiline face.

“Well, isn’t that just great. Just great. At least we’re on the verge of a robot army.” Wilhelm said, trying to find something good in their current situation.

“Pray tell: how were you going to get that army to Helios?” Tassiter asked, and John signed into the call.

“... Fuck.” The android stated simply, slumping over a bit.

“Uh...that’s actually a good question. Didn’t think that far.” John admitted sheepishly.

“Yes. And it is lack of forethought like that which is why you’re not the president of this company yet.” The old stallion said, narrowing his eyes in the echo feed. “I suggest along the way you figure out how exactly you’re going to bring up an army of robots to fight these soldiers.” The Hyperion President and Vice President both hung up, leaving the three remaining Vault Hunters to themselves.

“... Here’s a thought, we can call up the other Jack.” Wilhelm said as he checked his Echo for said Jack’s token. “... Shit, where did we put it?!”

“I’ve got it.” Jack informed his friend, but bit his lip. “I don’t want to be a downer though, I don’t think we can afford his help with Hyperion stiffing us cash.”

“... More like you misplaced it.” The manly android said, cutting through his bullshit.

“...Yeah, I may have forgotten where it is. It feels like that was four years ago.” Jack rubbed his temple as he tried to remember where something as distinct as an otherworldly moonshot beacon ended up.

“Great. There goes one idea.” He said, scratching the back of his neck. “...Well shit. Guess we’ll just have to see if RIP has a ship…now, back to getting that AI.” Wilhelm declared as the group looked out over the cliff off into the far distance where the massive wreck rested, the vapors of massive methane pools and the smoke of lava rivers giving it a menacing appearance.

“... I don’t feel like walking into Mordor.” Fragtrap interjected, the robot feeling a bit bored.

“I feel like it’s more like the Shire with violent hobbits.” Wilhelm responded.

“Eh, more like dwarves, they have more hair.” Jack scratched at his chin in consideration.

“...Mall cop expo?” Fragtrap tried again. The robot received a thumbs up and a nod from Wilhelm. “Okay then. I don’t feel like walking into a mall cop expo. I’d rather crash through the front doors in a truck.”

“Small idea. I can fly us over there.” Wilhelm said as he picked up his two friends and charged for the nearby cliff.

“BUT YOU’RE A UNICORN!” Fragtrap screamed as the three plunged off the sheer drop.

Without saying anything, Wilhelm switched out his legs for JET Loader legs and began flying them the distance over to the Drakensberg where Pickle had said they could find an AI. On their way, they were hailed by a mysterious bulldog man named the Bosun. “Don’t come any- Hey wait! You have to take the bridge! You can’t fly over here like that!”

“I don’t, I am, and you cannot stop me.” Wilhelm said with a flat face. “The only thing that can stop me is Jack suffocating… On that note, Clappy, share your air with him.” The android ordered upon hearing his fleshy friend choking.

“*muffled choking sounds*”

“This is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! My love, fire up the anti-air batteries!” Bosun ordered of someone.

“We don’t have those. They were disabled a long time ago to help repair other parts of the ship.” Came the voice of a very annoyed, rather buxom Akita woman in a smart-looking military uniform that had nearly every button undone to vent her cleavage. “Just like you disabled my ability to ignore the cycle!”

“... Wow. I think that’s the AI. What do you think, Jack?” Wilhelm asked his friend.

“*GASP* Whew...I think she’s hot, and likely to be friends with my niece.”

“Yeah? Dibs. That goes for you, too, Fragtrap.” Wilhelm declared, getting the robot to sigh.

“Oh, what a pig. I can hear you, asshole!” The woman screamed into a private channel.

“Yeah? And I have some damaged functions right now. Among things, you could help, and I know someone who can help you.”

“Oh. Well that changes things. Come get me. I’ll play up some drama as you make your way through the-”

“Yeah, no. We’re flying in. Is there an airlock or something near you?” Wilhelm asks.

“I don’t think that’s an issue Wilhelm, I can see the gaping holes in the Drakensberg from here.” Jack observed as he used binoculars that Fragtrap was holding for him. “If I remember my lessons on Dahl construction and design, that one towards the bow of the ship should be near the AI mainframe and the control center.”

“Well, you could use that, but the Bosun is in there. If you go that way, he’s going to attack you. I’ll keep his forcefield generators offline if it helps.” The AI said over the chat.

“Great, I can use some of the new weapons I acquired in Fragtrap’s glitched out mind.” Wilhelm said as he pulled out a laser. “Maybe this will finally come to some sort of use.” As he reloaded it, the voice of Pickle shouted in the most annoying way possible about being reloaded. Dear gods why?

“OH MY GOD, I CAN HEAR IT FROM HERE!” Came the sudden shout of Mr. Torgue High-Five Flexington. “THAT LASER WEAPON IS EVEN MORE OF A GODDAMNED DISGRACE! TAKE IT TO THIS LOCATION SO I CAN BLOW IT THE FUCK UP!” Torgue declared as a waypoint appeared on their HUDs.

“Actually, I think I have a better plan.” Jack said, covering his ears so he doesn’t have to hear any more of the weapon’s hellish voice. “Can you lock onto its position and send your payload now?”

“YOU’RE GONNA GET BLOWN THE FUCK UP, AND I HAVE VERY FEW ISSUES WITH THIS BECAUSE IT WILL BE FUCKING AWESOME!” Torgue said before cutting out entirely.

“... Jack, mind explaining the plan before we die?” Wilhelm asked, somewhat upset.

“Hurry! The rocket will get here soon!” Fragtrap suddenly interjected. “He’s launching a rocket or ship loaded with barrels of high explosive at us! Get the gun away! WAH~!” Fragtrap wailed in panic.

“Fly faster and toss it at the Bosun!” Jack yelled as they neared the Drakensberg, getting Wilhelm to do exactly as he said for once. “Quick! Into that room!” He yelled, pointing at what looked like some kind of secure meeting room with its own bulkhead doors.

Wilhelm tossed the useless laser weapon at the very confused Bosun, who promptly began screaming in terror at the laser gun squealing at him in Pickle’s voice. With the Bosun distracted, Wilhelm then threw his friends into the room Jack had mentioned. He then whipped out the SUPER NORFLEET and blasted out the rest of the already broken wall they came through, before ducking into the room himself. “CLAPPY, CLOSE THE DOOR!”

“On it!” Fragtrap shouted back as he typed away on the console. As the doors closed, they heard Torgue come screaming back onto their Echos, miming a guitar solo for a second before he stopped and began playing an actual guitar solo. The group saw a small three person ship flying in as the door sealed shut and Torgue finished his solo. As he finished, the ship exploded, the Bosun’s pitiful screams drowned out by the massive boom as the bulkhead caved inwards slightly.

“YEAAAAH~! THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT! YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AMBASSADORS OF EXPLOSIONS!” Torgue declared before signing off.

“... Holy crap. That was the most badass thing we’ve ever done.” Wilhelm said in disbelief and fell to his knees. “... Fucking sweet.” He said as the doors fell in towards them, revealing a very charred room absolutely black with soot, minus two small orange indicators coming from a pair of weapons. “You two can have those. I think I’m just gonna…have a seat for a second.”

Jack and Fragtrap looked at each other and nodded in acceptance. The only reason they weren’t overcome was likely due to being too in shock at the moment to process it. Jumping out into the now airless former control center, the two returned swiftly with two legendaries. “So, uh...I don’t really care for either of these things.” Jack admitted, holding up the Cryophobia, a Maliwan legendary launcher, sister to the Pyrophobia.

“I’m totally cool with this kickass SMG though.” Fragtrap declared as he held up the IVF, one of Tediore’s best SMGs, and they make really good SMGs.

“Cool. The fuck we do with the launcher, then?” Wilhelm asked, a bit too tired.

“Uh...well. You like launchers, and you already have 3 legendary Launchers.” Jack offered.

“I have a few too many.” Wilhelm said as he pulled out the launcher he got in Fragtrap’s mind, a glitched Vladof launcher.

“Holy database is he out of it. I’ll take it for now, my VaultHunter.exe is adapting much faster now, I might be able to use it.” Fragtrap declared, and Jack handed over the weapon to the little robot.

“Honestly, you should just keep it. I don’t think I’m gonna need another launcher.” Wilhelm said as he put it away and stood up. “God…I just feel…wrong for saying that. Whatever. I have a better prize to get. Yo, AI, you there?”

“Unf...sorry. Just...recovering. You severed me from the rest of the ship, killed that asshole, and did perhaps the most epic thing I’ve ever seen in my long years of military service. Plug into me you stud!” The AI suddenly demanded, reminding them that thanks to the Bosun, she wasn’t exactly entirely stable.

“Great. First Trixie, now a slightly rampant AI.” The android said as he clutched his head.

“Par the course at this point. We may have to take her to Angel to get her stable enough for making a robot army.” Jack grumbled as they walked towards the server room, Jack pausing and looking over at a shelf in curiosity.

“Well, I’m not going to plug ya in until I get a name. Do you have one, or am I going to have the luck of storing you in my Echo instead of my head?” He asked as he headed over to where the AI was connected to the ship in her secure chamber.

“I don’t have a name. I was just designated the Skipper since I ran the ship and that midget of a bulldog had no creativity.” The Skipper answered, fanning herself in the Echo card.

“Well, Skipper, I’m not going to plug you into my head until you have an actual name.” Wilhelm declared as he unplugged the AI from the ship. “Feel free to talk to me when you have one.” He said as he stuffed her into his Echo. He looked over at Jack and Fragtrap, both of them mewling over new toys: Jack with a Jakobs Revolver he grabbed from somewhere, probably while Wilhelm wasn’t looking, and Fragtrap with his two new legendaries. “...Starting to feel like I got the short end of the stick.”

“Oh! I have a name! I think I like…Felicity~. It means happiness, like the happiness you’ll bring me once I’m in there with you~.” The AI, now Felicity, announced to the three.

“... I take back what I said. Hey you two, you’re carrying me back while I go offline to deal with Felicity.” He said as he pulled the AI core back out and plugged it into his head.

“Sure thing jus- Wait, at least-!” Jack yelled, only to be cut off by Wilhelm’s body collapsing onto the floor.

“Not-it!” Fragtrap immediately yelled and ran off before Jack could get his bearings, cackling the entire way to the fast travel.

“Not-DAMN IT!” Jack roared, kicking his insensate friend in the anatomically correct mechanical ribs, only to recoil and clutch his hoof, having forgotten that while he looked fleshy, was still a high-tier military grade android. “OW~!”

[Concordia]

Fragtrap, Jack, and the offline Wilhelm digistructed back together on this end of the Fast-Travel. “I’m gonna go see what hardware Springs has in stock!” Fragtrap excitedly declared, wheeling off to Springs’ Emporium o’ Stuf.

“I swear, ever since Wilhelm got in his head, that little titanium shit is so much more cheeky.” Jack grumbled, grabbing Wilhelm by one of his arms. As if he wasn’t heavy enough, he still had the blue Jet Loader legs from when he was flying them to the Drakensberg, or, rather, the smoking crater formerly known as the Drakensberg. Thankfully said limbs were made of an aluminum alloy or something but they were still bulky and awkward and were still heavier than reasonable for this task. “How the hell...did you not break Trixie’s...pelvis?!”

“Well now if this isn’t amusing!” Jack froze and quickly turned to face Aurelia as she approached with Luna in tow, the two tall busty women more properly dressed in their preferred designer clothing. “What did the tin-man do to get himself in such a state? Was it malware~?”

“Indeed, We thought Wilhelm was quite the badass when We hired him.” Luna looked down at her hired mercenary in concern.

“Well ladies, he’s currently, very likely, having extremely kinky digital sex with the AI we need for the robot army.” The two royals looked at him like he grew a second head.

“You’re joking. Please tell me he’s not going to screw our plan, pun intended.” Aurelia said, somewhat disgusted with the thought.

“Well, thanks to some idiot scav, she was synchronized with the Cycle. She wasn’t exactly stable.” Jack huffed in frustration, grabbing Wilhelm’s arm to get dragging him towards the Meriff’s office again.

“Well, hopefully he doesn’t make her more unstable.” Luna adds.

“Oh hey! They’re back! Do you guys have the AI?” John asked over the Echo. “...Wait, what’s up with Wilhelm? Is he dead?”

“If he was he’d be in the New-U bro, don’t let all the blood in your head go to your dick.” Jack snarked, making both Aurelia perk up and snicker in amusement.

“Whoa, hey bro, not cool. My dick isn’t that big.” John rebutted playfully.

“Can you two please just shut up?” Angel pleads. “I’m not off the cycle yet, and I’ve found the Echonet isn’t helping anymore.”

“Angel, great timing. I need you to go into Wilhelm’s head and get him and Felicity to get back into the real world.” Jack asked of his niece, dropping Wilhelm’s arm again.

“Who is Felici-oh my various deities her tits are HUGE!” Angel gawked at whatever she was seeing.

“Yeah, that’s because her previous ‘owner’ was a bit of a pervert.” Jack huffed in annoyance.

“THEY’RE STILL AT IT!” She yells at him.

“... Yes, we-” The feed with Angel suddenly cut off as she presumably left to go join the two. “...Son of a bitch.” Jack huffed again.

“Oh god damn it. Wilhelm better hope he can’t get my little Angel pregnant through the Echonet!” John yelled as he desperately tried to snap Angel out of it, despite knowing it was impossible at this point.

“Wait, is that a thing?” Aurelia asked in bemusement.

“I don’t know, and I’m too young to be a grandpa. Wake up, sweetie!” John yelled as they could audibly hear him shaking Angel’s body.

“If they could manage that, it would be quite impressive.” Luna commented, only to sigh as Helios fired into Elpis again. “That is getting so tiring. At least this other Jack’s services stalled it an extra day.”

“Long enough to get some rest. Come along Cabana Boy~!” Aurelia crowed, making Jack yelp as the dragoness tossed him over her shoulders and started back towards the motel.

“Ladies! I’m not just some toy!” Jack whined, getting kissed by Luna as she followed them.

“Shut up and enjoy it Jack.” Luna winked, making Jack groan and pout as he was carried off to another night of passion with two overbearing alpha females.

“Just because you’re both beautiful and powerful ladies doesn’t mean I’ll just let you-AH!” Jack yelped as Aurelia tugged on his tail and groped his flank.

“Mine~....” Aurelia purred.

“Ours.” Luna corrected.

Jack could only sigh in resignation.

Author's Note

MEYOWDELAMOWOWEWEWEWWOOOOOOOO~! :rainbowdetermined2:

WHY ARE WE ON A ROCKET TO THE MOON?!

‘Why is it so loud? Ugh, my head….’ A loud rumbling and dull roar was constant, along with a serious amount of jostling in the seat he could feel he was strapped into. ‘Am I on a plane?!’ He suddenly thought in absolute terror, and opened his eyes only to be utterly confused at the sight of a ton of...are those holographic screens? ‘Propulsion nominal, breakaway rocket is in peak performance for breaching atmosphere, we shouldn’t have any problem-wait, ATMOSPHERE?!’

“AH~! What was I thinking?! I hate heights!” He suddenly panicked, his smooth voice cracking as he yanked on his restraints, only to have a...is that a talon?! Yeah! A hand-shaped talon just grabbed onto his arm, and he jerked his head to the right to see a...what?

“Calm down! I know this sort of thing is upsetting, but it’s you’re own fault for trying to tranq yourself for the flight, and end up sleeping through all the pre-launch prep.” The voice, the hood...those vibrant purple eyes...the way this...griffon? Yes, griffon’s plumage was also purple told me everything; somehow, this...yes, humanoid given the breasts...anthro-griffon woman was Athena, from Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel!

“Buddy, calm down. It’s weird, get over it.” Came a gritty robotic sounding voice. The panicking passenger turned his attention to his left to see a...is that an anthro-unicorn? He had a faded gray-yellow coat of fur, it seemed the kind of tone that came with abuse or malnutrition. But his gray-white hair and epic beard, along with that cybernetic right eye solidified to him that this was Wilhelm...and he knew him personally?

“Wilhelm?! When did we get on this rocket?! I don’t remember agreeing to this!” ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why do I know him? What’s all this info being crammed into my head?!’ He put his hands to his face, and finally noticed. His head was equine, rather than human. He looked down at his hands to see they were covered in a ‘bright idea’ yellow, not too bright, not too dark. He then instinctively activated his Echo UI to look at himself, and he gawked.

He was...apparently, according to his appearance and outfit: Doppelganger! Only ponified into an anthro unicorn too. But damn...that chiseled muzzle and perfect mane, and them expressive green eyes...sexy. ‘Wait...coming back to me. Me and my pal James went to GameCon dressed as Jack’s Doppelganger and Wilhelm respectively...something happened with a Merchant...then blank….’ “James?”

“Dude, not cool, no middle names.” He growled, and Jack grinned sheepishly back. “Honestly, I don’t want to have to tranq you again. Wasn’t fun the first time, not gonna be fun the second time. You know you kicked me in the nads when you went under? Luckily for me, I wear a cup.”

“Whoa, sorry Wil. You know I can’t take these things so well. Fucking Acrophobia.” ‘And of course...even in this...extremely surreal situation, my phobia is at full tilt as ever. Why did Jack and I have to be so damn alike NOW of all times?’ The griffon Athena to Jack’s right blinked in surprise as he looked over at her when she let go of his arm.

“You got on a rocket to the moon...when you’re terrified of any sort of heights?” She asked incredulously, and shook her head. “I don’t know if you’re brave, or foolish to be in this line of work then.”

“I vote that Jack’s a total tough-guy! Kinda have to, since I can’t be negative about anything!” Oh no! Not him! Not a Claptrap! Hate those things!

“He’s got student loans.” Wilhelm said. “Would you pass a job that pays this much?”

“I’m already a graduate, finished my engineering bachelor’s degree in a few months rather than years, and dropped the rest since none of the hussies would leave me be. I hated school for a reason.” Jack informed, and sighed. “Of course, the student loans I took out wouldn’t let me return the extra money. Insisting I paid in installments with interest, and keep my loan money in a secure account so I can’t use it save for myself. So; I decided to use it to find work, and there’s no shortage of work for mercs.” ‘What? I’m not a body double? I’m...gotta think about this….’

“Well babe, if you need money; I have need of a cabana boy for my summer home on Tropis.” Jack looked behind him to see a frosty-blue scaled dragoness that was...quite endowed. Even in such a posh and upper-class dress she flaunted herself with pride. But rather than be aroused, Jack actually felt...repulsed. Not by her race, or anything like that, but the way she spoke, the way she undressed him with her eyes like all the loveless whores who drove him away from his proper education made him dislike her instantly. She did have lovely frills though, odd to see a dragon curl them.

“He’s been staying with me, as of late.” Wilhelm said. “I’ve had use of his tech skills. He’s been handy to help out with my cybernetics. Kinda hard to install a cannon onto your own back. Either way, I’m pretty sure he’s over qualified to be a ‘cabana boy’ at your summer home. Kid deserves a better pay than that.”

“More pay than 20 dollars an hour to do almost nothing compared to all this grisly work? Only reason I’m here is because my whelp of a brother decided to eject me from his home, and neglect to toss out my purse along with most of my guns.” The dragoness pouted, the offer being standard pay for such a job, but Jack wanted out of his debt in a few more months from now, not years.

“Sorry babe, but this work’s exciting, and pays really well. Me and Wilhelm here have only been at it most of a year as a team and we’ve made enough to live comfortably as is, but Hyperion money? Oh-ho, so going to wipe the debt, and then it’s smooth sailing from there.” Jack stated, and the dragoness leered at him, clearly unhappy with him rebuffing her. ‘Suck it bitch, no wait, don’t actually. That would mean I’m interested in some way.’

“So we have a rich bitch, an annoying robot, a sexy and smart guy, a badass cyborg, and a former Atlas assassin. I’m probably the most normal one here besides the smart guy.” The last member of the six sitting in the safety harnesses was also an anthro pony, but the tops of her folded wings told her to be a pegasus. She tipped her desperado cowgirl hat in greeting and grinned predatorily. Her lustrous golden-tan fur just outlined all her extremely sexy and beautiful facial aspects, and her hazel eyes were captivating. Her dark brown mane was casually tied back in a ponytail, but left bangs to frame her face. “Like what you see Handsome?”

Jack bolted to face forward. She was a bad lady, and he knew he shouldn’t try to touch THAT flank. “So how long is this thing going to take-.” An explosion rocked the large chamber, and they all spun around in their chairs to see a ton of bandits drop in. Following an instinct he didn’t even have before, Jack hit the release on his harness just after Wilhelm had, and his cyborg friend spun around, and jumped off the top of the seats to shoot the first approaching goon with his Hyperion shotgun, and then finish him with a landing melee attack as he summoned his drones; Wolf and Saint.

Before the next one could even shoot, Jack summoned a Hyperion sniper rifle, and sighted, sniping the raider’s brains out without a second thought, all on reflex, until Jack blinked in surprise. ‘That was easy...too easy.’ He didn’t think again, staying back and covering them all as he sniped through the crowded room, the dragoness Aurelia doing the same, laughing haughtily all the while.

Wilhelm was in the thick of it though, he laughed even as his shoulder cannon came forward and started blasting all the idiots that came at him. He didn’t know why he was actually Wilhelm now, or why they were all anthro instead of humans, but fuck it! This was awesome! Wolf took out another bandit that was rushing him, while Saint promptly began healing a bullet wound that bloomed on his flesh shoulder, but he didn’t really feel it, he didn’t care.

All around the room, everyone was dealing with their share of bandits in their own way. Nisha with her dual-wielding pistols, the Claptrap was surprisingly doing rather well with an smg, mowing down bandits with robotic precision, and Athena...well, the griffoness was a right badass, flying up with her powerful wings, and swooping down with her laser enhanced shield and sword like a smiting angel.

Once the tide of suicidal idiots ended, Jack lowered the rifle with a grim expression, and sighed. “Where’d the dumbasses come from?”

“Must’ve hitched a ride during launch. Bandits are stupid like that. Probably thought they’d get a free ride to the moon.” Nisha commented as she rolled her eyes and stylishly holstered her revolvers which digitized back into her Echo.

“Not to ruin anyone’s fun, but we’re about to die.” Wilhelm announced from the holo screens that were flashing red, lights and sirens starting. “There’s some rockets headed our way, and this thing doesn’t have any guns on it.”

Before any of them could say or do anything, they all felt the massive impacts, and suddenly, gravity and air was gone. They were all floating, choking. Save Jack, who gasped as his Oz kit kicked on. “Fucking damn it! Am I the only one who planned ahead?!” ‘Shit, shit, this is a bargain bin kit though, no bonuses, just air, and it won’t last longer than a minute! I have spares, but there’s no air left in here from the breach in the hull-!’

They crashed, Jack and the others all smashed into the floor and front wall as gravity and inertia kicked in, and he blacked out.

[Welcome to Helios]

‘Ugh, my head. What hit me?’ Wilhelm looked around, eying the wreckage all around him and the destroyed FIX Loaders littered around the area. ‘Oh yeah. That. Well, better start checking who’s alive and who I can loot. Better make Jack’s okay first.’ Wilhelm walked over to Jack and poked him a few times, eliciting a few groans out of the downed unicorn. ‘Well, he’s alive. Next one to check: the bitch. Sure hope she’s dead. I’d rather not wake her up from her nap.’ Wilhelm walked over to the dragoness in question, poked her stomach once, and was immediately met with a fist to the face. Aurelia was awake.

“Hands off ruffian! I care not if you were checking for my well-being, nobody touches me without my permission.” The heavily endowed 7 foot dragoness growled as she stood up, rubbing her head and checking her stupid fancy outfit over. “At least inform me if my frill curls have straightened out from all this ruckus. My late butler had made such a dedicated effort to starch them into shape before my brother kicked us out and he was eaten alive by skags.”

“Sounds traumatic. I don’t really care.” Wilhelm said, moving on to the others. He started with Nisha first. He poked her shoulder a few times, then was awarded with snoring and a smack by her wing. He grabbed her shoulder and shook her a bit, and was finally rewarded with her waking up and smacking him with her wing again. “Welcome to the land of the living, population currently pending. Mind checking Athena while I check the mistake?”

“I am not touching that dirty griffoness. If she’s alive she can get up on her own.” Aurelia huffed as she checked her bling over, especially inspecting the blue diadem ring covering most of her left index finger, getting Wilhelm to roll his organic eye.

“I was talking to Nisha.” Wilhelm said. “How ‘bout I have you check out the mistake instead while I help out my friend. Would you rather that? ‘Cause that’s what you’re getting now.” Wilhelm walked back over to Jack, passing Aurelia on the way. When he stood directly in front of the downed doppleganger, he glared at Aurelia. “Well? Get to it. We don’t have all day, and your money’s not gonna get him moving for you.”

Aurelia growled dangerously from her chest, but Wilhelm didn’t give a shit as he started kicking Jack in the face. “Ow! Fuck! I’m up! Jeez, this chiseled jaw isn’t made to be hit!”

“Yeah, I know. It might just explode.” Wilhelm responded. “That was for having an Oz kit and not handing any others out. Come on, we have shit to do.” ‘And money to collect.’

“Hey, not my fault I planned ahead! If you’re going to make a stink of it; here, have one.” Jack grumbled as he thrust a digistructed Oz kit into Wilhelm’s hands, and he proceeded to approach Nisha and the awakening Athena to give them Oz kits too.

“What crawled up his ass and died?” Wilhelm asked before a blue Claptrap unit rapidly rolled up towards them. ‘Oh, no….’

“Hello Travelers! Thank you for answering Hyperion/Equestrian summons! It’s good to see you all survived! Princess Luna is this way; and the Lost Legion is making a serious mess of things, so we’d better hurry!”

‘Whoa, wait, Princess Luna?! It isn’t Jack?’ Wilhelm thought to himself, before he quickly brought up his Echo UI and saw his recorder, and had it play as he took out his shotgun and followed the robot.

“Mercenary Wilhelm. Wouldst thou like to come to my moon and hunt a Vault for us?" An image of a beautiful dark blue mare with night-sky ether hair was there in place of Jack. This just got interesting.

"No." Came the voice and image of Wilhelm.

"We shalt pay thee two million bits." Said the image of the mare.

"Okay." Came the response from Wilhelm’s visage before the recording cut out completely and the images disappeared.

“Yep, that’s my backstory.” Wilhelm said. ‘So, that’s what that’s like in the real world. Cool.’ “Anyone else wanna try out theirs?

“No thank you. I haven’t been jostled enough to forget why we’re here.” Aurelia stated as she helped Claptrap up, the yellow robot only jerking for a second before summoning his Tediore smg.

“I am programmed specifically for this mission! I have no choice but to remember!” Claptrap cheerfully shouted as he rolled on after his blue, slightly smaller counterpart...huh...didn’t notice this Claptrap was bigger than the average model.

“I’m good.” Athena stated, checking her gear.

“Me too, I’m just here for the cash.” Nisha stated, while Jack had his UI open and blinked in confusion before he selected something.

“Oh, my, um...hello there...Jack. I am contacting you because I wish to hire you and your partner Wilhelm to hunt a Vault for Equestria and Hyperion. Your partner has already accepted under the promise of two million bits paid on completion.” The image of Princess Luna was visibly blushing, and flustered, making Jack wince and Wilhelm grin at his friend’s handsomeness managing to impact his life as usual.

“Whoa, really? That’d pay off all my student loans, even if he split just a fraction with me. Yeah, I’ll bite, where’s the job.” Jack’s face was the same as it is now, just as handsome as ever.

“On my moon.” Luna stated, sounding a bit more flustered at realizing what she said and how that could be taken.

“Say what now?” Past Jack replied, and the one in current time facepalmed in a heavy blush while everyone laughed, especially Claptrap and Wilhelm who didn’t stop for several seconds as they neared a door their Claptrap guide was trying to open.

“Argh! The Lost Legion must’ve damaged the door from the other side! Raggin’ Fraggin’ locked door!” At his failure, the group’s own Claptrap approached.

“Let Fragtrap give it a try peon!” Oh, his name’s Fragtrap? Makes things a bit easier and less confusing. “Ah, so they shorted it out. Just have to….” Frag stabbed a mechanical hand-like digit into the console, ripped it out, and tore two wires out before touching them together, and the door shot open violently. “And, open!”

“Fragtrap OP door key. Good job little guy.” Wilhelm said. “Don’t expect any more praise ‘til you’ve earned it.”

“I will withhold my enthusiasm! Even if my voice modulator can’t!” Frag consented as he and his less-advanced compatriot wheeled ahead and the group followed, guns up.

“Wah! They’re tearing up the place!” The Claptrap shouted as it flailed about and rushed for cover, while the whole group split up and started engaging the Lost Legion Marines in their own ways, working together in an oddly impressive display of teamwork.

‘Fuck! Yes!’ Wilhelm thought as he charged headlong into the thick of it like he did on the rocket, not caring if he took shots to his body, not having really needed a shield most of his career as a merc. “Wolf! You’re up!” Wilhelm threw out his two ‘grenades’, which summoned out Wolf and Saint, Wolf getting to work on the enemies around him.

“Here comes the bad guys! And we haven’t even met with the boss lady yet, typical. I need some more Jacks!” Jack’s horn lit up with his green, and his Echo sparked before two digistructed copies of him appeared at either side, one was almost twice as tall and a red-orange though. “Who need’s a hero?” All three echoed before Jack and his doubles all opened fire with their wrist lasers.

“I’m not about to be shown up! How about you all cool down?” Aurelia taunted, before she breathed a bit of her pale dragonfire on her icy diadem ring, and it shot out at some of the marines, making them scream as a storm of ice shards began bombarding them, freezing them solid and shattering them. “I’m an Ice Queen for a reason.”

“Big shots have big guns, let’s show our stuff!” Nisha roared, her UI changing as she summoned both her pistols, and began rapidly sniping targets from across the room.

“Ugh, so flashy, so effective, but so loud.” Athena griped, before she jumped high, her wings flaring, her shield protecting them from enemy bullets as she whipped out her aegis and sword. “Taste my blade! I’ll dance with your blood!” Athena dove, and in a flurry of laser-enhanced shield and sword, cut the unprepared marines to ribbons, their blood staining her red Atlas gear even redder.

Meanwhile…. “And then, John sorta cannibalized my original programming for the VaultHunter.exe! So here I am; lost, lonely, without personality!”

“That’s nice and everything, but shouldn’t you be fighting too?” The blue Claptrap asked curiously as the two robots casually chatted from behind cover.

“Naw, they got it covered. There aren’t any enemies not occupied, and I’d just get in the way. Teamwork’s also knowing when to back off. Teamwork.exe successful.”

“Fragtrap! Get your metal ass over here!” Wilhelm yelled as he robo-punched one of the Legion Marines so hard they exploded. “They’re messing with the New-U’s! Gun ‘em down!”

“WHAT! LEGION SCUM! ALL NEW-U STATIONS ARE RIGHTFUL PROPERTY OF HYPERION CORPORATION UPON DAHL’S ABANDONING ALL LOCAL MATERIALS! DIE MOTHERBOARD HUMPERS!” Fragtrap jumped over his cover, his Tediore smg and Vladof pistol in each servo, spraying bullets rapidly in a hail over the whole room, the rest of the Vault Hunters diving as the enraged robot liberally sprayed bullets that were digistructed right into the magazines. “DIE! EXTERMINATE! DELETE!”

Several seconds later of endless fire, the marines were all dead, and Fragtrap was sparking as his malware tried to recover, until he smacked himself with his pistol and returned it to storage, now back to normal. “Funzerker subroutine ended, normal OS restored! Yay!” Everyone got up and stared at the suddenly scary-lethal little robot.

“Okay...annoying or not; that was fucking badass.” Jack commented, getting Fragtrap to laugh maniacally before recovering. “Whoever programmed this one’s a genius, this thing’s got a ton of potential.” Jack said as Wilhelm walked up next to him.

“Good job, little guy.” Wilhelm said. “Told ya that I would give you a compliment if you earned it. And there it-”

Wilhelm was interrupted by a Lost Legionaire coming in with a rocket launcher and firing it at him, blowing him and Jack up on impact.

[Ư͏ ́͝d̛͘͞e͏̛́́d̸҉̛ ̷̢͘͢ļ̷̨͘͜e̷i̢͟k̕҉ ̷́͢f̛͞ú̧͠k̵͜͢ǹ̨͢ ̷̴̢̀n̸͝ù̶̀͟͞b̶̷̶͝s̵̴̡]

“Agony! FUCKING AGONY! WHY?! Why does rezzing from a New-U have to be like having 1.21 Jigawatts running through you?!” Jack screamed inarticulately as he woke up in his new body that was being digistructed by the New-U station that had been messed with by the Legion and gasped as his lungs needed refilled. Thankfully his sight returned and saw a dead marine and a few pissed off teammates.

“Ow.” Wilhelm said after he finished being digistructed. “Well, that hurt. You okay, Jack?”

“I’m going to fucking rip their brain stems out!” Jack screamed angrily as he took out a Hyperion sniper rifle and stomped ahead, only to freeze and look at his gun. “The fuck?! Damn it! Those asshats fudged the New-U!” Jack’s yellow Hyperion rifle actually seemed to be destabilized, 1’s and 0’s of code running all around it, in parts that didn’t have any solidity to the naked eye, and even flickered in and out of the visual spectrum, but Jack had no trouble holding it. It appeared that the same thing had happened to Wilhelm’s Hyperion shotgun. It made a noise and suddenly the code that was running all around it became green.

“Huh. Odd.” Wilhelm said. He gave it a test fire, and a MASSIVE spread of bullets spewed from the weapon. “Now THAT’S awesome.”

Jack’s rifle sputtered and the code turned a bright yellow, and he nervously aimed it away from the others and when he pulled the trigger, an impossible stream of bullets rapidly launched out, but it only used three or so bullets. “Fucking! Damn it! I hate DAHL sniper rifles because sniper rifle bullets are expensive! Assholes!”

“Great, so if we die and get rezzed, the things might fuck up our favorite guns?” Nisha growled, looking protectively at her Jakobs revolver, a Smasher from the looks of it, those things were as rare as rocking horses.

“As fascinating as all this is; Luna needs help! This way-AH!” The blue Claptrap called from the door as he was unlocking it, only for an explosion to rip the door off the hinges, and crumple the poor little robot like a tin can.

"No~! He was my new friend! PREPARE TO DIE YOU LEG-HUMPING DOGS!" Fraggy roared before he charged in and we followed him down the new corridor, killing the squad that had blown the door and killed the blue Claptrap, and up to the door at the end.

We all ran into the next room to see an awe-inspiring sight. “Thou shalt DIE for thine assault upon a Princess of Equestria!” Shouted the regal voice of the incredibly beautiful dark mare in a flowing white dress taking a stand against tides of DAHL marines, her shield taking the shots from hurting her or ruining her beauty. She was hovering in the air with her wings as she took shots at them with her arm-brace laser guns that were clearly Cryo element, until one of the marines took a shockingly powerful leap at her and punched her clear across the face, resulting in a title-card. “Princess Luna: In WAY over even HER head.”

Just as they were about to jump into the fray, both Jack and Wilhelm had the same thought; ‘Okay, what the actual fuck is happening?’

Author's Note

GENTLEMEN! BEHOLD! A PERVERSE LOVE-CHILD OF MINE AND DJ A STRING'S ADVENTURES ON THE MOON! Hold on to your pants! The Kraggons love eating them!

Hi, I'm Janey. Welcome to Elpis.

[Serenity’s Waste]

“Hello? Hello? You’re going to die.” The cheerful and polite voice jolted Jack from his impact-induced slumber, and he groaned as he picked himself up, and realized his hands were on something soft. He froze and blinked his eyes open to see one hand on Luna’s left breast, and his other on Aurelia’s right, and they were both looking at him in bleary confusion.

“Sorry.” He apologized simply as he finished getting up, not really bothering to note both of them blushing as he had to put more weight on them to get up on his knees.

“Before anyone asks why or how, I’m going to be level with you. You don’t have much air in there with so many lungs breathing, and the moment you open this door, all the air’s going to vacuum out anyway, and then you’ll suffocate, and your eyes will pop like grapes when the pressure differential gets too harsh.” The female voice extrapolated for them in complete seriousness. “But, you CAN survive, I have an oxygen bubble not far from here, if you take a deep breath and hold it, you can make it.”

“Hey, we have Oz kits, we should be...fine….” Jack commented, but when he reached over his left shoulder for his Oz kit, he felt it had a very obvious crack along the top of it. “Oh crap….”

“Exactly. I saw through the window that most, if not all of ya’s Oz kits are buggered. I can fix that, but I need you to stay calm, and follow me to my safehouse.” The voice said as the others all gathered themselves and got up, each hissing or checking their Oz kits.

‘Damn cheap bargain-bin pieces of shit! I should’ve KNOWN better than to get second-hand gear!’ Jack lamented, seeing that Fragtrap’s kit was actually pretty much shattered, thankfully it seemed the oxygen canister still worked, good thing the robot didn’t need to breathe.

“Now, don’t bother speaking, you need to take a deep breath, and come now, or you’ll die even quicker.” The woman’s voice urged, and seeing everyone take a deep breath, Athena, being the one closest to the door, opened it.

Instantly, the hatch burst off instead of just opening from the pressure being released, and Jack felt like his eyes were trying to be sucked from their sockets, so he assumed it was the same for everyone else. But the pain was distracted from as he and everyone else was launched out with the air into the airlessness that was the moon, and being flung through the ‘air’ with them was a shocking sight.

A kangaroo woman wearing a short top and short shorts with impressive hips and big muscled bum was giving them the thumbs up for optimism as her long thick tail whipped around, and her long face grinned at them. Title Card: Janey Springs: Black Marketeer, Heart of Gold. Athena suddenly had blood gush from her beak’s nostrils for a second before she plugged the potentially deadly leak with a talon. “Follow me!”

Wordlessly, since we were all suffocating and holding our noses so we didn’t drown in the airless atmosphere of Elpis, well, save Luna; she was fine somehow. We ran after the big-butted kangaroo who easily jumped a great distance ahead in a single coiled-leg leap. We came to a cliff she must’ve jumped over and saw her activate a blue energy dome, the ‘air bubble’ she mentioned earlier, and we all dropped down and eagerly began gasping for the air the miraculous invention provided.

But she didn’t stop, the moment we were inside, she jumped another incredible distance to a platform on the side of a building and turned to us. “Okay, catch your breaths, not far now. It’d be embarrassing if ya died on me at this point.”

“I must say, such fortune that someroo so charitable was around in our dire hour.” Luna commented as she waltzed out of the dome of air as casual as she pleased, breathing without an Oz kit and even seeming to enjoy the vacuum of her moon. “It’s been too long….” Luna continued on as casual as if she were taking a leisurely stroll.

“Now that, is a true woman of noble bearing.” Aurelia commented, grinning after the princess. “I may own a whole planet and she may only co-lead a whole planet, but I find her quite inspiring thus far.”

“Can we follow the big-booty-bitch to safety already? I want my wing looked at.” Nisha complained, stretching out the sparsely feathered appendage for emphasis. Getting the point, we all followed the fairly tall kangaroo to a closed door, holding our breaths as she kicked it a few times, her obscenely strong legs managing to dent the thing before it obliged and opened upward, and we all dashed into the air-supplied building.

“There now, catch yer-well hello~.” The roo stopped on Athena, who was still holding her nose and looked very nervous as the bottom-heavy roo got a bit closer than would normally be considered polite to the griffoness of the group. “I’m Janey Springs. What’s yer name sexy?”

Athena suddenly backed off, coughing some some blood she must’ve swallowed from her nostrils at the forward question, but Athena’s wings going stiff was a clear indicator she wasn’t against such a thing as much as she was shocked. “U-um-*cough*-Athena….”

“Well Athena, good to have saved ya, and yer friends. Most of whom I’ll admit are quite lookers themselves.” Janey smirked at the three other beautiful women in the group, who generally didn’t care for her flirting and simply thanked her for the compliments. “So, let’s break the ice. You all know who I am, but I wouldn’t mind getting to know you all. Especially you~.” Springs licked her muzzle with a hooded gaze at Athena, who was blushing so hard it showed through her feathers.

“Jack.”

“Wilhelm.”

“Fragtrap!”

“A-Athena…oh right, already….”

“Nisha.”

“Baroness Aurelia Hammerlock, owner of the vacation planet Aquatos.”

“We are Princess Luna, Goddess of the Moon we stand upon. Please fair maiden, how may we repay thou for thine kind gesture?” Luna offered, and suddenly Springs stopped being such a flirt, gasped, and fell into a deep bow.

“Princess! I’m so sorry for my rudeness! Had I known-.”

“Stand! Thou art mine companion’s savior, thou hast no need for prostration. Please, rather, name a price and we shall repay thee thine benevolent favor.” Luna offered again, and the wide-hipped roo nervously stood back up, feeling a bit concerned as she shifted around.

“Well yer highness, to be honest I was planning on getting repaid anyhow. So my actions were not as altruistic as you think.” Springs admitted, but Luna was unfazed and made a hand gesture for her to continue. “Well...I’ve been stranded out here for going on a month now. If your friends would be willing to help me get revenge, and get back home to Concordia, I’d be ever so thankful.”

“Certainly. Everyone; let us focus on repaying Springs before heading to Concordia.” Luna declared and we all more or less agreed, she IS our employer after all.

“Th-thank you! You have no idea what this means for me. The big picture is I want Deadlift dead, at least until his cue on the New-U comes up. That’ll be revenge enough, but I mainly need him dead so you can take back the moon zoomy pass he stole from me when I mocked his jump pads and told him I wasn’t into guys.” Springs explained and all of us pretty much wanted to kill Deadlift on principal for doing this to the pretty girl when she was obviously just out here scavenging if her cluttered safehouse was any indication. “That aside, make yourselves at home. I’ve got digistructed pizza in the cooler, and some digistructed water. Note; they both taste like cardboard without any seasoning.”

“Well, that sucks.” Wilhelm said which got looks from everyone around him. “What? Reminds me of school. The food at the cafeteria sucked!”

“But why is this? We arranged for regular supplies to the moon. Sister informed us that-.”

“Princess, mind the rub; but yer sis is a lyin heap of dung. We hardly get anything up here on this rock since the Crackening. Most of us all have gone the way of nature, and we take what we need from each other. Really, almost nobody up here is even able to survive more than a week or so before we kick it, and the New-U system rezzes those with accounts. The others, they...they ain’t so lucky….” Springs said sadly, clearly she’d lost someone recently.

“What?! This is, how, how DARE she?! Sister told me everything up here was fine! She said you were all managing with-URGH! SISTER!” Luna roared as the moon quaked from her anger, the nearby lava pools erupting into the air, and she gasped as she tried to calm down, all of us holding onto the ground as she tried not to burst out again. “Elpis can’t take it anymore Luna. Elpis can’t handle our fury. Stay calm. Remain calm as long as we are here, or it may well end everyone on it, and most of Pandora too.”

Luna moved into the building, away from everyone and clearly not wanting company at realizing something extremely distressing. “Damn, I knew the sisters were scary sometimes, but I thought she was about to bring half of Elpis up around us.” Jack admitted.

“Scary?! THE WHOLE RUDDY MOON SHOOK! It was like the Crackening all over again!” Springs squealed, looking mortified and shivering in a corner. We all then got back up, Athena moving to help the shaking Springs up, and we looked to each other in bewilderment.

“Okay...so who does what?” Wilhelm asked, and we all looked to Springs who took a calming breath.

“Well, I want Deadlift dead and the Zoomie system back on.” Springs said as it was the most important, and Aurelia and Nisha both gestured they were up for that. “I also need some personal effects, like my audio books-.”

“Gladly.” Athena offered, getting a beaming smile from the roo and the griffoness smiled meekly.

“What job does that leave us with?” Wilhelm asked, gesturing to Jack, Fragtrap, and himself.

“We’re being poster boys.” Wilhelm said, dejectedly. “They sent the ladies to go kill a guy, and are using the killing machines and their lackie to be the poster board guys.”

“I’m not your lackie!” Fragtrap yelled at Wilhelm.

“I was referring to Jack.” Wilhelm deadpanned. “I mean, you’ve been doing pretty good, Fragtrap. And no offence, Jackie, but you could do a bit better.”

“Bite me. I’m out of my element here. Almost no air to breath, watching a gauge tick down to death all the time, low gravity when I’ve lived in gravity my whole life, and heights. Down on Pandora and the other planets we’ve been on, that was just it; we were DOWN on something! There’s nothing but UP on this rock!” Jack complained, looking towards the ledge from our spot standing on an ‘air crack’ outside Springs’ Safehouse, shuddering. “This has already been the most fucked up job we’ve ever taken. I mean, right now, RIGHT, FUCKING NOW! We’re making posters, for the guy that members of our team just went out to KILL!”

“I HAVE MOTIVATIONAL ISSUES!” Deadlift’s voice echoed over our Echoes at the memory of him somehow interjecting when Springs told them earlier about the posters.

“Yeah, sorry about that, Jackie. I know you hate this, but if it makes it any better, I didn’t expect to get marooned on the moon either. Just figured it’d be a trek and be over with.” Wilhelm said, trying to console Jack. ‘I also didn’t expect to get stuck like this when I went to a con.’

“Are ya whining meatsticks gonna get on the jump pad or what?” Springs demanded over the Echo and we sighed. As if this wasn’t humiliating enough, Springs didn’t give us the time of day entirely because she hated guys in general.

“Stuff it, Springs.” Wilhelm said. “I’ve already had enough shit today, not taking any of yours to go with it. I’m tired, I need to take a dump, and I’m covered in a ton of deep cuts and bruises from kraggons, not to mention the moon dust getting into them. But if it helps you to shut up any faster, Fragtrap, you’re first.”

“Aye, aye, sir!” Fragtrap belted out happily before getting on the jump pad and sent hurling into the air. “Believe in your dreams!” Fragtrap shouted gleefully as the cameras on the tall stand flashed. “That felt so awesome!”

“Alright, that was good, now the one with the chiseled muzzle, shoot at some targets I have launch during the jump.” Springs directed and Jack swallowed nervously. “Oh! And don’t forget to say something inspirational while you do it.”

“Alright, I can do this...I can do this….” Jack encouraged himself before he ran at the pad and cried out girlishly as two rubber duckies were launched into the air, and he drew his Vladof pistol, taking them out in twin bursts of fire. “S-Something, Something-Stars!” Jack managed to shout as he landed and curled into a ball, trying not to hyperventilate and waste his air.

“That’s the spirit, Jackie!” Wilhelm yelled as he went to pat Jack on the back, getting only a whimper from his now prone friend. “Eh. Guess it’s my turn, then. Am I right, Springs?”

“Right you are. This time, take the jump pad up, and do a butt-slam on the target in front of it. Just remember to say something cool.” Springs directed and Wilhelm nodded. “Oh, and don’t forget the inspirational bit.”

“Pffft. Butt slam. Hilarious, but why call it a butt-slam when our butts don’t even hit the target? It’s our feet and the combined fields of our Oz kits and shields.” Wilhelm asked curiously, and Springs’ voice sounded noncommittal.

“Meh, dunno. Might just be because it’s funny. ‘Sides, can joke about butt-slamming much easier than just slamming if ya know what I mean.”

“Yeah.” Wilhelm said. He then casually stepped onto the jump pad, did a badass frontflip, and then bolted down to the target in a slam that almost crushed the button. “No.”

“That was badass! Come on back.” Springs informed before the panel in front of the switch folded open and butt-tons of cash dumped out. “Oh right, that. Well, take it, not doing me any good out here.”

“Gladly.” Wilhelm said as he approached, and his Echo drew in the cash like a vacuum, where since he was with a team, was split among the crew, even those off doing other things. “You said something about a gun though.”

“Like I said, come on back and I’ll give ya pick from my armory. Oh hey these posters are sick. You definitely earned it.”

“Good to hear. Fragtrap grab Jack, he’s panicking and I’m not about to waste air pulling his ass inside.”

“Right-o!” Fragtrap cheerfully responded and grabbed Jack by the legs, dragging him along as he continued to whimper, and he cried like a baby when Frag jumped them off the small cliff to the door of the building.

After getting the panicking Jack inside, and Wilhelm slapping him out of his stupor with his robot hand, Jack was able to get himself together and inject a healing hypo to fix his broken jaw. “So, here ya go, it’s not much but considering what I had to work with, it’s pretty barmy.” Springs presented a selection of pistols, rifles, and smgs, none really all too special, but it was still something. Jack took the maliwan sniper rifle, saying he didn’t like how sporadic the performance of his Glitch Rifle was, offering it to Wilhelm.

“Oh, gladly. Hell, take my share from her junk. I’ll take the crazy gun over one of these pieces of crap.” Wilhelm said.

“Well I’ve got nothing against that option, have another.” Springs said to Jack as Jack gave his Glitch Rifle to Wilhelm, all too glad to not have a potentially burst-firing or scatter-shot rifle. He’d be using an assault rifle if he wanted those sort of things. Speaking of which.

“I need a reliable primary. I can’t just be a support this job with my Vladof sidearm and a sniper. Got any spiniguns? Besides the one you gave Fragtrap.” Jack gestured to the happy-as-hell robot.

“I! WILL! MURDER! EVERYTHING~! HAHAHAHAHAHA~!” Fragtrap laughed maniacally as he revved the barrels of his new Dahl spinigun. “ALL WILL SEE THE BULLET STORM AND TREMBLE!”

“Dude. Calm down.” Wilhelm said.

“Fraid not, them things are rare as rocking horses. But I do have some Jakobs and Dahl rifles, I’d give ya a Scav rifle, but all they’re good for is their ridiculous magazine sizes.” Springs informed as she turned to her crates and climbed in, her big butt stretching her shorts as her thick tail wagged idly in joy of her activity, making Jack blush, but look away politely.

“I suggest the Jakobs, cowboy.” Wilhelm mockingly told Jack. “You used to love em when we first set out together.”

“THEN I found out how stupid it is to rely entirely on accuracy when that whale-squid on Hephaestus had NO FUCKING WEAK SPOTS TO SHOOT! My trigger finger cramped so hard I was lucky I could even keep shooting! Then the gun fucking jammed! If I had an automatic gun then, I’d have been more help before it jammed!” Jack shouted at Wil angrily.

“Ha ha! I remember that!” Wilhelm laughed. “I saved your ass and lost a launcher that day. Client was not happy that we let the damn thing live.”

“It was fucking Blowhole the Apocalypse! That aquarium curator can kiss my ass! Besides, he wanted to CLONE the thing! For an exhibit!” Jack defended. Clearly if they’d succeeded in killing it and bringing some of the brains to him, the idiot would’ve just doomed the town of Shorehammer to the fate of a smaller Blowhole the Apocalypse. At least them fighting it back made it leave the town alone.

“Wow, you two have been on some adventures haven’t you?” Fragtrap commented before Springs finally got her big, sexy butt out of the air and held up two Dahl rifles, one with a bayonet and one with a more stable barrel and optic sights.

“Here ya are! Pick yer poison. Accuracy or close-range?” Springs held them out, and Jack took the bayoneted one.

“Thanks, but I have a sniper for range already, the bayonet will make close-range easier on me.” Jack checked the sights on the gun, which was just iron sights, but Jack had worked with even less using crap guns made by bandits before, so he found no problem with the thing, only downside was somehow Dahl guns knew when the user was aiming down the sight, and went into burst-fire automatically. That was actually a blessing for their spiniguns though, a freaking wall of bullets. Better than almost any shotgun. “You picked well Fragtrap.”

“And don’t I know it!” Frag bragged.

“Colts...could thou come here please?” Luna’s voice echoed from the windows away from the storage bay.

“I’d like to have you know that I am a full grown cyborg stallion, thank you very much.” Wilhelm said as we left Springs to her cache and entered to see a depressed Princess Luna looking over the ruined and jagged landscape of her once smooth, beautiful moon.

“Sorry, we are so old, we forget that age is much less extensive than us.” Luna admitted, looking as old as she proclaimed to be for a moment. “We have a mission for thee, if thou would be willing to hear an old foal’s story?”

“Go ahead, get some of the weight off your chest.” Jack offered, and Wilhelm and Fragtrap both snickered childishly to which both Jack and Luna were completely confused about.

“Over a decade ago now, longer actually, the Dahl corporation approached us with an offer. They offered Pandora protection, technology, tourism, so many things our deadly, poor planet needed. Equestria, being the only stable and even relatively safe country on the planet, were the ones the other warlords of the world gave the decision of saying yes or no to. We accepted, obviously. What fools we were….

“Indeed, Dahl brought us technology that we only barely got from adventurers and explorers from other worlds second-hand. They brought us digistruct technology, advanced firearms, vehicles that were beyond simple combustion engines. Most of all, they brought in money. They mined our planet, using prisoners for the dirty work so they may pay their debts to society, something we felt economical.

“Then Dahl began mining on our moon, defiling Elpis’ surface. We demanded they stop, but they made a counter offer, and said that they will ensure we benefit, and we merely demanded they do not ruin our moon’s surface...they lied. The Crackening happened, our beautiful Elpis went from a smooth white orb in the sky, to a red-cracked omen of doom. Shortly after, rather than make the promised reparations if they should default on our contract...they left us.

“Dahl left everything, their technology, their criminals, even their own employees and soldiers. Everything went wrong. The criminals quickly overthrew their now undermanned overseers, slayed thousands of innocents, obtained weapons, formed bandit clans, stormed the surface of Pandora like an unending tide of butchery, lawlessness, and horrid stench.” We laughed a bit at that last bit there, but Luna’s fierce glare shut us up quick. “It was awful! Let us not understand the stench! Twas horrid!

Anyhow, we’ve spent years trying to clean up after Dahl’s blatant disregard for life and their contracts, we spread word of their deceit as far as we could, and it is why outside of war-torn worlds or out in the Outer Rim worlds, you won’t find Dahl anywhere civilized as no one will work with them outside of such anymore. But we are unsure if this is entirely true, who gave the order to abandon us? Who was it specifically? Or did they plan to all along? We wish to know, and the black box of that crashed ship over yonder may well hold the answer.” Luna turned back to the window, pointing out the direction in which Nisha and Aurelia had trekked.

“Why not have the ladies fetch it for you while they’re out there?” Wilhelm asked and Luna turned to us with seriousness in her features.

“Because thou art the most trustworthy of our hires. Thou completes jobs with very few accounts of failure, and thou also know when to keep thine lips sealed if what your less clandestine jobs on Eden-5 report.” Uh...how’d she know about those?! We kept those Mafia contracts quiet!

“As long as you don’t blab about some of those more… ‘secretive’ jobs, we’ll do it and keep doing it. I don’t want a blabbermouth to start talking about what kind of shit we’ve done.” Wilhelm said angrily, then added on quietly, “For Jack’s sake more than mine.”

“Worry not, thou will be compensated and we shall not speak of thou less legal acts outside of us. Is that not right Fragtrap?” Luna turned attention to the little robot.

“Filing disturbing info on my coworkers away for deletion! Compartment not found! Shit, need my trash bin fixed. Don’t worry, I won’t blab, just don’t bring it up around me.” Fragtrap stated as he saluted. “Besides, we’re Vault Hunters right now! We technically don’t answer to anyone but the client.”

“Yeah, that’s great and all, but lets go. Nisha and Aurelia will have cleared the way by now, so getting to Deadlift’s ship should be easy enough.” Jack cut in, wanting to get started on helping the mare come to terms with the situation, and upon reaching the storage bay, paused at seeing Springs lean in and kissing the cheek of the wing-boner sporting Athena, who grinned in victory, before seeing us and instantly becoming nervous, bolting out of the bay door and Springs sighed as she turned to us.

“Ya wankers...git lost, hopefully she’ll come back.” The roo pouted as she plopped her tight butt into her backless stool, and we all shrugged before starting the long walk out to Deadlift’s ship.

Author's Note

Yay~ more chapters~!

Ugh...so sleepy....

Again, DJ A String is co-author...zzzzzzzzzz