Monday Through Sunday - A POSTAL Crossover

“So… You’re telling us you just happened to fall from the sky?”

“That’s the gist of it, yeah.”

“And you… accidently… fell on somepony?”

“I had no hand in it, but I guess so. Sorry.”

“Sorry? You killed Derpy!”

“You bastard!” Spike added in, shaking his fist.

“I said I was sorry, geeze. And it’s not like I chose to drop my house on her, anyway.”

Twilight Sparkle looked between her notes, and the odd creature in front of her, which now sported a somewhat thick bandage on its head.

This creature- or “human”, as he called himself- didn’t seem completely trustworthy to her, for reasons beyond landing on an innocent pony, even if it wasn’t his fault. For one, he seemed to only have a single tone of voice, and because of that it sounded like he was always being sarcastic. Not only that, but he seemed to be unrealistically calm for the current situation, which could either mean that he was really good at hiding his emotions, or that this was a regular occurrence for him.

There was also the fact that the townsponies had found him urinating on what was left of his house, as if nothing happened.

Twilight shook her head, clearing her thoughts. “Anyway, what did you say your name was, again?”

“Dude. Postal Dude.”

Twilight wrote the name down, quirking an eyebrow the whole time. “So… Postal Dude, you might want to get your head checked up. I can only do so much with my healing magic.”

Dude scoffed. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine, just point me in the direction of some food and/or medical supplies.”

“Here!” Twilight offered him a map, marked up with a familiar cherry red color. “The general store is right here, and over heeeere…” Twilight pointed to the other side of town. “Is Nurse Redheart’s Clinic!”

“You seem awfully upbeat all of a sudden,” Dude deadpanned.

Twilight’s ears drooped. “Sorry, I just love showing new ponies… Er, humans around town, even in light of… certain tragedies.”

“Sure,” Dude nodded. “I understand completely.”

He didn’t.

Despite this, he went ahead and looked at the map, thinking over what he was gonna do today. “By the way, where am I gonna be staying?”

Twilight looked around. “Well, I suppose you could stay here at the library. I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

Now with a place to call home for the foreseeable future, Dude started to formulate a plan for the day, muttering to himself. “So, my head’s killing me, should probably have it looked at more professionally… And it wouldn’t hurt to stop by that store... “ A picture on the map caught his eye, and he showed it to Twilight. “What’s this place, here?”

“Oh, that’s Sugarcube Corner. I have a friend that works there.”

Dude looked back at the map. “It looks like a diabetic’s worst nightmare, but I’ll be damned if I don’t deserve some sweets.”

Before Twilight could say anything else, Postal Dude got up and started walking towards the door.

It took Twilight a second to react to the sudden action. “W- Wait! Where are you going?”

Dude looked at her. “To the clinic? You know, for my aching head wound?”

“But what about all the townsponies? Don’t you think you’ll frighten them?”

Dude pondered this for a second, before shrugging, and continuing his journey towards the door. “I’ll handle it.”

The town was surprisingly quiet as Postal Dude walked by, ponies ducking into houses or stopping what they were doing to stare as he trudged towards the clinic. While the map made it seem like a long walk, it really wasn’t at all, and Dude reached it after only a couple of loading screens.

“Damn loading zones aren’t even marked,” he muttered to himself, as he strode through the front door of the Ponyville Clinic. Behind the desk was Nurse Redheart, who, upon seeing Dude enter the building, came to the sudden realization that she probably doesn’t get paid near enough for this shit.

“How can I help you sir?” Redheart said, her voice giving the impression that her shift was supposed to end five years ago.

“Hi there, I kinda hit my head when I got here, and I’d like to get it checked out.”

“Uh-huh,” Redheart responded, scribbling something on a paper with her hoof, somehow. “And your name is…”

“Dude. Postal Dude.”

Redheart paused her writing long enough to shoot a look at Dude, before she continued writing. “And you hit your head… How?”

“I fell,” Dude deadpanned. “From the sky.”

“The sky? You don’t look like a pegasus.”

Dude paused. “Did you seriously not hear about it? I mean, only half the goddamn town came to look.”

“No, I was here,” She sneered. “Working.” After an uncomfortable pause, she spoke up again, trying her best to sound pleased. “Okay, just sign here and here, and then we’ll get you fixed up in no time!”

Dude shrugged and signed his name, then followed Redheart deeper inside the building.

“You sure this is a good idea, man?”

“Of course! Whatever that ‘human’ has planned, it can’t be good! Think of the foals!”

“Sweet Celestia, you’re right! He needs to be stopped!”

Just as the stallions came to an agreement, the doors to the clinic flung open. Standing in their way was the Postal Dude himself, now sans head bandage.

“I feel better already.”

“There he is!” One shouted at him, hooves raised in the air. “GET HIM!”

Both confused and feeling a sense of deja vu, Dude turned just in time to see a pair of stallions charging towards him, yelling. Casually, he stepped out of the way at the last moment, causing them to crash straight into the wall of the clinic.

Shrugging, Dude continued on with his day, ignoring the now dazed stallions.

However, as he walked, one of the stallions raised back to his hooves and charged… Just in time for Postal Dude to sidestep them again, making them crash into an unlucky mare. Postal Dude scoffed at their pitiful plan of attack. It reminded him of protesters back home.

Looking at his map, he marked off the hospital with a sharpie. “Alright,” he muttered to himself as townsponies fled the scene. “Where to next…” His finger wandered over a general store at the heart of town, which was previously circled by Twilight.

“There. Lets see if I can’t get some damn regular food in this place.”

Ignoring the commotion behind him, Dude started heading towards the center of town. He still got plenty of odd looks, but he ignored them, since he was used to odd looks, anyway.

Eventually, he reached what looked like a simple store of some kind. There was a sign displaying the title of the establishment, but Dude didn’t care enough to look at it.

The bell over the door rang when Dude entered, and thankfully, the place was already a step up from the stores in Paradise and/or Bumfuk. For one, it didn’t smell like something died in here. Also, the earth pony mare at the counter smiled brightly, though she seemed to hesitate greatly upon seeing who her latest customer was.

Her friendliness eventually won out, though she still sounded a bit cautious. “Hello, sir!”

“Hi there.”

After the short greetings, Dude went on his way through the store, looking for anything he recognized. Unfortunately, it seemed that a lot of things here were inedible to him, such as hay or flowers. Also, there was no meat at all, but in retrospect he should’ve seen that one coming.

After picking out the only edible thing in the entire shop (loads of lettuce), as well as a carton of milk, he walked up to the line forming by the counter. Thankfully, it was fairly short, with only two ponies ahead of him; an earth pony stallion, and a unicorn mare.

The stallion paid for his goods and left, with barely a word between him and the cashier. However, when it was the mare’s turn, her disposition noticeably brightened, and the two ended up chatting about local events. Apart from a mention of “that poor mare”, Dude had no idea what they were talking about, and even then he was just guessing.

Once they were finally done chatting, the unicorn took her things and left with a happy goodbye, leaving Postal Dude and the cashier the only ones in the building.

He walked up and placed his items on the counter. She raised an eyebrow at both the strange creature in her store, and the rather large amount of lettuce he was buying, but said nothing.

Dude took the time to look around the store, and something occurred to him. “Say, is there a hardware store or anything around here?”

The mare paused in her bagging to tilt her head. “I believe so. Why?”

“Oh, just curious.” It never hurt to know these things, after all.

Not too long after that, the mare couldn’t help but make conversation. “So, what exactly are you? I’ve never seen anypony like you before.”

“I’m a human, thank you very much.”

The mare contemplated this. “A human? Are there more of you somewhere?”

“Not in this world, that I know of. Apparently I was pulled here thanks to some convenient plot device.”

“....riiight.” She shook off her skepticism in an attempt to be more friendly, though Dude could tell it was somewhat forced. “So, are you enjoying your stay in Ponyville?”

Dude shrugged. “It’s not too bad, but it takes some getting used to, what with all the brightly colored unicorns and all.”

For some reason, her demeanor ever so slightly brightened upon hearing the word ‘unicorn’. However, she said nothing else, and finished bagging his goods. “That will be forty-six bits, please.”

Postal Dude sighed, reaching into his coat pocket. Thankfully, Twilight had been kind enough to give him her own bits before heading out (meaning he grabbed a bag full of them when he left her home, and whether they were meant for him was debatable), and he had plenty left in the sack.

Plopping the bits on the counter, the earth pony gave him his groceries before saying farewell as he left the building.

Back into the open air, holding a bag full of lettuce and some milk, Dude once again looked at his map, crossing out the store.

As his eyes fell on the circled Sugarcube Corner, his stomach growled, scaring the daylights out of a mare who just happened to be passing by at that moment.

“Sorry,” Dude said, barely paying attention to her.

As he stepped into Sugarcube Corner, the smells of all sorts of baked goods flooded his nostrils. “Jesus Christ,” he spoke, his mouth watering. “What sorta food are they cooking up in here?”

“Lots of things!” a voice chimed in from behind him, startling the Postal Dude. He quickly spun around, poised to throw a pair of scissors, to face a small, pink pony with a bubbly mane. “We’ve got cookies, we’ve got cakes, we’ve got pies, we’ve got crepes, we’ve got croissants, we’ve got—”

“Alright, I get the point,” the Dude cut the pink pony off, looking over the counter and putting away his scissors. “This all looks pretty good. The question is, which one won’t give me a heart attack after I take a bite?”

The pink pony looked over the entire display of sweets, as if seriously contemplating the question. Eventually, she just shrugged, still smiling. “I don’t even know what that means!”

“Well at least the healthcare here is apparently top notch.” Undeterred by the possibility of acute diabetes, Dude looked over the vast display of sweets. His inner child was ecstatic at all the pastries that were on display, and his not-so-inner man also couldn’t help but admit that it all looked fucking delicious.

After a long internal debate, he made a decision. “I’ll take the jelly-filled donut with the pink icing and sprinkles, with an extra dipping sauce of glaze on the side. Also, make it a box of ten of them.”

Without missing a beat, the pink pony leaped behind the counter and swiftly started carrying out Dude’s order, with a grace that he did not expect, yet at the same time wasn’t surprised by. In no time, all ten donuts were boxed up and in his hands, and he was ready to return back to the castle, after he paid the appropriate amount of bits. After all, the sun was setting over the horizon, a sight he was used to back in Paradise.

As he entered the castle’s front doors, Twilight was pacing back and forth. “Where could those bits have gone? I knew I placed them here somewhere…”

“Hey, Twilight, thanks for the cash,” Dude said simply, laying the now-lighter bag of bits onto the table, where he first found it. Twilight gave a few dumbstruck looks between the bag and Dude, before placing a hoof on her face and letting out a sigh.

“Well, anyway, how was your day?” Twilight asked. She could guess, given the new bandage on his head, the box of donuts (which he was already eating one from), and the bag filled almost entirely with lettuce, but she wanted to hear it from his own mouth.

“These are fucking amazing,” he intelligently answered, munching down on one. “Is all the food here this good?”

Twilight couldn’t keep a smirk off her face. “I see you went to Sugarcube Corner. And yes, Pinkie’s cooking skills are second to none.”

Dude finished gulping down his donut. “And to answer your question, today went actually a lot better than my days normally go.”

Twilight tilted her head in a questioning motion.

“Normally, I would’ve had at least five people try to kill me. Today it was only three, and even then I’m pretty sure they weren’t going that far.”

Twilight gasped. “Somepony tried to attack you?”

“Poorly. I just ignored them.”

Twilight eyed Dude oddly. “You sound far too used to that happening.”

Dude just shrugged.

Twilight sighed. “Alright then… Well, at least your head seems to be taken care of.”

“Yeah, but honestly I’ve felt far worse.”

With that, Dude got up and stretched. “So, where am I gonna sleep while I’m here?”

“There’s an empty bedroom just down the hall there,” Twilight pointed, “first door on your left.”

“Got it. Night.”

And so Postal Dude left Twilight alone. She just shook her head. Things in this town were getting crazier by the day.

And for some reason, a tiny voice in her head said that it was possible things would only get worse from here.