Monday Through Sunday - A POSTAL Crossover

“I don’t know what’s in this cereal, but it tastes great,” Postal Dude stated, lifting another spoonful of O-shaped cereal into his mouth. “What did you say these were again?”

Twilight fought to keep from staring at Dude like he had started flopping about on the floor. “Uh… Celesti-O’s? They’re kinda… meant for foals.”

“Well they have good taste. This is much better than the crap back home.”

“Riiight…” Undeterred, Twilight pulled out the map of town, now free of any markings. Magic or something, probably. “Now, if it’s not too much trouble, my friend Fluttershy is going to be out today, and she needs someone to take care of her animals. Think you’d be up for that?”

Postal Dude quirked an eyebrow. “So an alien literally drops into your world, kills a pony in the process, and the next day, you’re trusting him with multiple animals?”

“Erm, you seem trustworthy enough,” Twilight spoke. “And besides, the whole town has jobs to do. We need someone to make sure Angel doesn’t burn Fluttershy’s cottage down.”

“Uh-huh. And where is this Fluttershy anyways?” Dude crossed his arms, tapping his foot on the ground. Using another marker, Twilight circled a cottage near the edge of town, and quickly wrote down Take care of animals.

“Right here!” She smiled. “Any questions?”

“Yeah,” Dude spoke up. “Can you get me more of that cereal? It’s fucking fantastic.”

“So… That’s it?” Dude asked. “Just watch these little fellas for two hours? That should be a breeze.”

Fluttershy wanted to smile at the human before her, but she kept finding herself nervously glancing between her house and Dude. “Y-Yes…” She finally spoke up. “They should all be well behaved… Oh, and remember to give Angel the salad he likes. He gets grumpy if you don’t.”

Dude looked at the rabbit in question, who was glaring at him from the other side of the window. “I’ll be sure to do that.”

Fluttershy smiled. “It’s good to know I can count on you…”

“Dude. Postal Dude.” he replied, extending his hand for a shake.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Dude,” Fluttershy shook his hand with her hoof, before trotting off, leaving Dude alone with the animals.

“Maybe I can finally get some nice peace and quiet in this town.”

Almost immediately after he said that, the cottage broke into pandemonium, as almost all of the animals inside started making an incredible amount of noise and messes.

Dude just watched for a bit. “Fuck me.”

“Okay, little guy,” Dude kneeled down to see Angel Bunny, munching on a carrot. “Here’s the salad Fluttershy prepared for you. Think maybe you can calm the fuck down now?”

Angel merely shook his head. Around them, the rest of the animals were now calmed down, as well, through combinations of food, proper bedding, and other such things that the budget couldn’t afford to put in somehow worked.

“Eat the damn salad,” Dude crossed his arms. Angel shook his head yet again. “Eat. The damn. Salad.” Angel scowled.

“Will you eat the goddamn salad or will it be the last surviving members of your family?”

Angel shook his head again, and grabbed the nearby recipe for the same salad. He then pointed at the picture, which looked slightly different from the actual dish sitting in front of him.

“You gotta be fucking kidding.” Dude sighed, placing the plate down right in front of Angel… Before kicking the plate at him with enough force to send both Angel and the plastic plate soaring against a wall.

There was a sickening crunch as Angel hit the wall, blood seeping from behind the plate. “Oh.” Dude deadpanned. “Shit.”

Slowly, he turned to face the other animals, who were staring blankly at him. “You all saw that, right?” he asked. “He… tripped.”

The animals nodded in agreement, and went about their own lives. Apparently they disliked the rabbit just as much as he did.

“Right, now uh… Fluttershy should be home any minute. I think that’s my cue to book it out of here.” Dude rubbed the back of his head, before scribbling a note on a piece of paper.

I O U

As Dude walked down the streets of Ponyville, he couldn’t help but feel like there was something else he could do today. After all, it looked like it was only barely past noon. Turns out he didn’t need to watch the animals for nearly as long as he expected.

Thinking about the animals made him realize that, in all this mess, his dog Champ was missing.

“Oh, well, he’s probably fine.”

His train of thought was interrupted when a rainbow-colored blur streaked over his head, nearly knocking him off his feet. As Dude recovered, the blur slowed down and landed mere feet in front of him, a wide grin on its face.

“How’s it hangin’?”

Dude paused. “Uh… Who are you, exactly?”

“Name’s Rainbow Dash,” she spoke, planting a hoof on her chest. “And I’m Equestria’s number one flyer, future Wonderbolt, and all around awesome pony!”

“Do you spend any time not sucking your own metaphorical dick?” Dude crossed his arms.

“Yea— Wha!?”

“Nothing.”

Dash shook her head. “Well, listen, can you do something for me? I got… Kinda banned from the nearby bookstore, and I just need to have the new Daring Do book! Think you can pick it up for me?”

“And why in the world are you asking me?” Dude asked.

“Because Twi said you’re really good at running errands!” She smiled. Dude rolled his eyes.

“How the hell do you get banned from a bookstore here, anyway?”

Dash laughed sheepishly and rubbed the back of her head. “Well—”

“Nevermind, don’t care.” Dude started walking towards the bookstore. “You owe me, though.”

One loading screen later, the Dude found himself at Shut Up and Read Books... Only to find a line out the door, all of ponies waiting to get the first copies of the newest entry in the Daring Do series. “Oh, this is just bullshit.” Dude grumbled to himself.as he got in the back of the line.

Time stretched on, as one by one, the line moved slowly forward, punctuated by an excited pony walking the other way every time. It was enough to make Dude roll his eyes.

Eventually, he made it into the store itself, where he could see all sorts of displays advertising the very book everyone else was getting. He found this especially odd, because it looked like it was made for little kids, yet a lot of the ponies in line looked to be grown adults.

The sun dropped lower in the sky as the line progressed, until Dude found himself at the front of the line. “Hi there,” Dude spoke, tapping the table. “I’d like one copy of…” He found himself reading a nearby promotional poster. “Daring Do and the Magic Macguffin.” He had to fight to keep himself from mocking the title.

The mare behind the counter winced. “Sorry, sir, but we just sold our last copy.”

“You gotta be fucking kidding.”

Meanwhile, behind him, the line was equally frustrated, and didn’t hesitate to voice it. Dude ignored this, though, as he stormed outside, the other ponies following him and going their own ways.

Dude was about to go to Dash and tell her it was a waste of both their times, when suddenly he turned and saw a colt reading a copy of the very book that was being sold. This gave him an idea.

“Hey there pal,” Dude kneeled down to look the colt in the eye. “What’s that book you got there?”

“It’s the new Daring Do!” he said excitedly.

Dude did his best to feign ignorance. “Huh, never heard of that series before. Can I see what that one’s about?”

The child obliged, and Dude looked at the back cover of the book. Then, he quickly turned to the last page, before letting out a small laugh. “Daring Do becomes an alicorn and A- Ahuiz- the bad guy is reformed and occasionally has some antics with her. Sounds pretty fucking stupid if you ask me.”

The kid started tearing up, before running off, crying loudly. This got more than a few looks from the nearby ponies, but Dude simply whistled innocently as he hid the book in his jacket. He walked down the street where Rainbow Dash was waiting for him. “So,” she grinned in anticipation. “Did you get it?”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it,” he said, before nonchalantly tossing the book at her. However, she didn’t see it coming, and the book impacted her head, making her fall to the ground with a yelp.

“Uh… whoops.”

Not giving her a chance to be angry at him, Dude just walked off, leaving her dazed on the ground.

“Well, guess it’s time to head back. Hopefully Twilight’s not too pissed.”

“Wait, WHAT happened to Angel Bunny?”

“He tripped, that’s all.” Dude nonchalantly shrugged. “Nothing I could do about it.”

Twilight still eyed Dude suspiciously. “Are you absolutely sure that’s what happened?”

“Look, Twibright-”

“Twilight.”

“Whatever, I’ve had a long day. I’ve been ripped from everything I’ve known out of nowhere, so I’m sorry if I don’t get along one hundred percent.”

Twilight’s gaze turned to one of sympathy. “I- I’m sorry, I forgot that—”

Dude sighed. “Look, it doesn’t matter, alright? Goodnight.” With that, he left for his room.

Once he was out of sight, he smiled to himself. It wasn’t often he got to play the victim, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t gonna take full advantage of it.

“What’s the status of the spell, my queen?” a voice spoke in the darkness of the Everfree Forest, a red glow from his horn illuminating the surroundings ever so slightly.

“Come tomorrow, it will be fully charged,” a more feminine voice responded with a cackle. “We’ll just have to test it, first...”