Monday Through Sunday - A POSTAL Crossover

Postal Dude stepped out of Twilight’s library with a content smile, his hands in his coat pockets. He had just finished another delicious bowl of Celesti-Os, and for once in his life, had a whole day free to himself.

So, naturally, he decided the best way to spend it was to wander around until something happened. Surely nothing would go wrong, right?

As he walked down main street, ponies continued on their everyday jobs. He guessed he had been around town long enough for them to get used to the sight of a human. Yet just as he rounded a corner, he bumped into a familiar cyan pony.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash grumbled. “Watch where you’re going, pal!”

Her attitude changed immediately when she saw who it was that bumped into her. “Oh, hey, you again.” She then scratched her head. “Actually, I just realized I don’t know your name.”

“Postal Dude,” Postal Dude answered.

“Postal Dude?” Dash held back a chuckle. “Well, Postal Dude, meant to thank you for the book yesterday! Did you know Daring Do becomes an alicorn at the end?”

Dude just stared blankly. “Sounds pretty fucking stupid.”

Dash just laughed. “I know, right? Anyways, I got an extra ticket to a Wonderbolts show, figured that’d be a nice ‘thank you’.” Dash handed Dude a ticket with a golden WB written on it.

Dude merely stared at it. “The hell’s a Wonderbolt?” He remembered Dash mentioning it yesterday, but that’s all the experience he had with the term.

“The most awesome ponies in all of Equestria! They do loops, and tricks, and there’s fireworks… It’s so cool!” Dash squealed, raising her front hooves into the air. “And guess who is going to be a member soon? That’s right, this pony!”

Dude started tuning out her explanation as soon as she said ‘awesome’. Still, if nothing else, this would give him something to do for the day. Once she was done talking, he spoke up. “So, when’s the show?”

“In just an hour!” Dash responded giddily. “Come on, if we go the stadium now, we might be able to get some good seats!”

Dude shrugged. There were worse ways to spend a day.

By the time Dude and Dash got to the stadium, it was almost entirely packed. Thankfully, the tickets were for certain seats, so the two of them were able to get to their own seats just fine.

“How come you had a second ticket for this, anyway?” Dude asked.

Dash shrugged. “You know, I’m honestly not sure.”

Scootaloo looked around the center of Ponyville, fully decked out in Wonderbolts fan attire. She looked back and forth, her expression dropping the whole time.

“R- Rainbow Dash?”

Dude sat down with a large bucket filled to the brim with popcorn, Dash eating cotton candy. Inside the actual stadium, the show was starting, several pegasi in blue and yellow spandex preparing to take off.

“They look like superhero rejects…” Dude muttered as they blasted into the air, opening with a corkscrew. They flew in perfect harmony, stunning the crowds with their finesse.

Or at least, the crowds minus Postal Dude.

“How gimmicky can one show be?” He sighed, munching on some more popcorn. Dash recoiled and was about to open her mouth to respond… But shrugged it off. Opinions are opinions, after all.

After a few more minutes of aerial acrobatics, the performers came in to land, signaling the end of the first part of the show. The crowd broke into applause, while Dude grumbled. “Well that was one giant fucking waste of my time.”

Everypony paused and stared at him.

“What?” He put his hands up. “Was it something I said?”

He looked at the crowd around him, their faces unreadable. Suddenly, he had some sort of strange feeling that, maybe, things were about to get interesting.

That proved true when he heard one member of the crowd some distance away shout, “Get him!”

All at once, the crowd descended upon the human, rage filling their eyes. Postal Dude didn’t even have to think as he drew his shovel and slammed it to the side, nailing a poor unicorn in the cheek. Blood and teeth soared through the air as the stallion hit the ground in a heap, two more ponies advancing on the Dude.

Around him, the rest of the crowd was going completely crazy. It seemed that, in all the pandemonium, some of them had simply started attacking each other, turning the stands into an all-out brawl.

In the center of it all, Dude kept swinging with his shovel, knocking out teeth and rattling skulls. Two ponies approached him from behind, but just before they could strike, he spun around with a taser in one hand and a police baton in the other.

Dude quickly stuck the taser into the pegasus’ chest, causing her to flail as the approaching earth pony raised a hoof. Dude swung his baton around his neck, and with one pull, launched him backwards over the railing and onto the field. The second pony continued to wave her hooves like wild until Dude landed a boot in her chest, sending her flying back into the crowd and knocking over ponies like bowling pins.

Dude smirked. “Now, can’t we settle this like a bunch of adults?”

He heard hoofsteps rapidly approaching from behind, so he whirled around, swinging the flat end of the shovel towards the attacker. It impacted with a satisfying thunk, sending the pony to the ground, teeth scattered about.

He paused slightly when he saw the pony in question. “Uh, sorry, Dash.”

Seeing an opening in the crowd, Dude ran through, smacking any ponies who tried to get a hit on him. By now, everyone else in the stands were focused on their own fights, some of which involving the Wonderbolts themselves, which meant that he got back to the entrance with little difficulty, apart from some bruising and a few spots of blood on his jacket, though none of it was his.

As Dude put away his shovel, he cracked his neck. “Well, that turned out alright.” He started whistling as he walked down the street, ignoring the guards that were now rushing the opposite direction, towards the stadium.

While walking along peacefully, Dude happened to see a pair of garden sheers stuck in a halfway trimmed hedge. Evidently the pony who was using them had to leave for something. Shrugging, he quickly ‘borrowed’ the sheers and stuck them in his jacket, still whistling.

As he continued to look over the locals during his walk, he couldn’t help but notice that he saw the same few mares together more than a few times. In fact, he had a small feeling that they were following him, but that was crazy. Right?

On his way to Twilight’s castle, he noticed something he hadn’t before. A hardware store. Probably the one the mare at the general store mentioned a couple days ago. “Huh,” Dude mused to himself. “If the other ponies are as crazy as those wonderbolt fans, then I might need some of this…”

The inside was no different from the hardware stores back home, so it was very easy for Dude to find the things he needed. A couple rolls of duct tape, a simple nail hammer, and a small can of kerosene.

The cashier raised an eyebrow at Dude’s purchases, but said nothing as he paid. After stashing the items in his jacket, Dude walked back outside, ready to call this day a success.

Yet as he left, he noticed the other ponies from earlier huddled by the door. “Excuse me,” Dude spoke with a slight hint of annoyance in his voice. “I don’t want what you’re selling, so you can go fuck off.”

The ponies seemed to ignore what he said, and instead focused entirely on him. It was actually pretty creepy, so Dude walked off. Worryingly, the ponies followed, gazes still locked on him.

Getting tired of it, Dude suddenly turned around. As his jacket flew out slightly from the sudden movement, the mare’s eyes widened. “Look, can you all kindly fuck off now?”

While they were stunned, Dude took the time to turn back around and leave, grumbling the whole time. Once he had left the mares behind, they turned to face each other.

“He totally said that to me!” the sea-green colored unicorn fawned, only to get pushed out of the way by a dark brown earth pony.

“No way! He’s totally into me!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yuh-huh!”

“No, he’s into me!”

“Shut the hell up, Roseluck!”

As the three argued, Postal Dude just sighed, walking down the street. “Good grief, these ponies are fucking crazy,” he shook his head as Twilight’s castle came into view.

The moment he walked inside, the princess herself was bombarding him with questions. “What the hay happened at the stadium?!”

“Those fans are insane,” Dude said simply.

“Dozens of ponies were hospitalized, including Rainbow Dash!” she fumed. “And I’m just finding out that half of those were from you!”

Dude put his hands up. “Come on, it was self defense, they attacked me because I didn’t like their shitty flying team. And lets be real, the rainbow one had it coming.”

“They attacked you!?” Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “A likely story, mister. I’m keeping you under close watch until Celestia gets this sorted out, you hear me?”

Dude sighed. “Fine, don’t believe me.” He started walking towards his room. “Just like my fucking wife,” he grumbled to himself.

“What was that?!”

“Nothing, dear,” Dude said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Once again, the darkness of the forest was illuminated by a single, small red light.

“How did the testing of the spell go?” the feminine voice asked.

“Very well, my queen,” the source of the light said. “It appears to be 100% effective.”

“Excellent. Tomorrow, we shall utilize it for all of Ponyville, and finally get revenge on those fools!”

An evil laugh filled the air, before stopping suddenly. “Oh, you can go ahead and get rid of the test subjects now.”

“Yes, my queen.” The light went some distance away, revealing a pair of cages, each containing a squirrel, both of which were violently hissing at each other and trying to break free.

Both of the cages were opened, and the rodents immediately charged at each other, turning into a furry little ball of bloodthirsty violence. Soon after, the forest was once again cast into darkness.