Tourettes Guy Visits Ponyville

It was a gorgeous and sunny day in Ponyville. Ponies merrily walked around the town to buy their groceries or meet other ponies and relax in the sunshine. Everypony thought that this day would be ordinary and like any other, but they were wrong.

A human had somehow found their way into Equestria. He stood at the entrance to Ponyville and looked onwards. He had a large build and was quite short. He looked to be around thirty, with lots of stubble around his face from a shaven beard and moustache combo; he wore glasses on his pudgey face. He was lacking hair on the top of his head. Around the side, above the ears, lay some fluffy grey hair. He wore a large blue shirt with simply the face of Tony the Tiger on it and beige shorts. Embracing his neck was a large, white, foam brace.

"WHERE THE FUCK AM I?" he shouted angrily.

Just after he yelled this, a purple unicorn pony trotted past wearing brown saddlebags. Her hair was a darker shade of purple with a pink streak and she had a pink star on her flank. She walked up to the man.

"Hello, sir. It's rare that we get a human in Equestria. What brings you here?" she asked innocently.

"What the FUCK?" the man shouted, "are you a unicorn?"

"Erm..aside from the language, yes indeed. My name is Twilight Sparkle. What's yours?" she asked.

"My name's Danny. Know where I can get any SHIT around here?" Danny replied.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Oh DAMMIT. SORRY! I meant do you have any booze? I'm so hungry, I could eat a SHIT!"

"Sorry, Danny, we ponies don't drink alcohol."

"What?! FUCK YOU!" Danny shouted, walking off without another word to Twilight.

"I've gotta inform Celestia...otherwise we could be in a load of shi-," Twilight coughed and corrected herself, "trouble."

***

Danny stumbled around the town, looking for a place he could get a good drink. He saw a stand filled with apples and a tanker at the side. A blonde pony with an orange coat, brown hat and apples on her flank was stood in front. Danny approached the pony.

"What's this SHIT?" he asked, pointing at the tank.

"Why, sir, that'll be our one-of-a-kind Sweet Apple Acres cider! Care fer a free cup?" the pony replied.

"Whatever," Danny grunted.

The pony gave him a confused look, then shook her head and carried a small cup over to the tank with her hoof. She nudged a lever with her head and it poured out a smooth, light-brown liquid which quickly filled up the cup. She turned off the tank and handed it to Danny.

"Enjoy!" she said with a smile.

"Gee, thanks," Danny replied graciously.

He took one sip of the cider and immediatley spat it out, throwing the cup at the pony.

"THERE'S NO ALCOHOL IN THIS! IT TASTED LIKE JAY LENO TOOK A SHIT, ATE IT AND PUKED IT UP!"

"Jay who? Wait, sir, ponies don't drink alcohol! Ah think y'all have been very disrespectful t'wards me. Please leave mah stand."

"FUCK YOU!" Danny shouted, storming off in a waddle.

***

Fluttershy was in her cottage, calmly and quietly dusting shelves. Then there was a loud crash as the front door slammed open. She screamed and turned around to see Danny holding onto the doorframe where the door once stood.

"Ohhhhh SHIT!" he yelled, Fluttershy recoiled at his voice, "SORRY!"

Fluttershy stepped towards him slowly, "are you okay? It's not every day we get a human in Equestria..."

"That's exactly what that purple faggot said to me," he recalled, "she was a bitch."

"Do you mean Twilight?" Fluttershy whimpered.

"Yeah! She's an ass!"

"Um...no...she's a unicorn. And I'm a pegasus. Neither of us are donkeys."

Danny looked at her dead on in the eye. Her pupils dilated and she crept back.

"You don't know SHIT! Fuck you!" he shouted, walking off back to Ponyville.

Fluttershy was hurt by this comment and she began to cry, wondering what he was doing there in the first place.

***

Danny found himself sitting at a park bench, unable to bare the thought of a world without alcohol A green unicorn walked up to him and stared in amazement.

"The fuck are you looking at?" he grumbled.

"Are you a human?"

"Yeah."

"I'm Lyra!"

"I don't even know who the fuck that is, and I'm sure if I gave a shit, I STILL WOULDN'T GIVE A SHIT!" he shouted.

Lyra gasped at his appauling language and a tear built up in her eye. She had always wanted to meet a human but this was not what she expected.

"Are all humans like this?"

"EVERY HUMAN I EVER MET IS A DICK!" Danny yelled.

Lyra balled her eyes out and galloped away.

"Aw shit," Danny sighed, "fuck my ass."

***

Twilight walked towards Fluttershy's cottage, she heard loud sobbing from there are immediatley went to see what the problem was. She noticed the door was on the floor and Fluttershy was lying down in a puddle of her own tears.

"Fluttershy! What happened?" Twilight asked.

"Oh, Twilight, it was horrible!" Fluttershy sniffed. She stood up to talk to the unicorn, "a human barged in and said some nasty words!"

"Danny!" Twilight said, "he's been horrible to me too. I'm going to Celestia to see if we can send him back to his world."

Fluttershy perked up, "can I come with you? I want to see the look on his face when Celestia scolds him!"

"Of course!" Twilight laughed.

"How are we going to get him to Canterlot, Twilight? I doubt he would just let us go on a walk with him," Fluttershy sighed.

"I think I might have an idea," Twilight replied, grinning sneakily.

"Why, o' course I'd be willin' to do it, Twi," Applejack said, grinding her teeth, "that varmit done insulted mah business!"

"So, just to recap, the plan is that we lure Danny to a trap using an alcoholic drink or two," Twilight explained.

"But Twilight, ponies don't drink alcohol...where are we going to get a bottle?" Fluttershy asked.

"Why, Fluttershy, y'all are a little misinformed. Don'cha know the only pony in town who drinks? And Twi, don't go around usin' understatements like that. This pony ain't one to have a drink or two lyin' around." Applejack smirked.

Fluttershy and Twilight stared blankly at Applejack, then to each other. Applejack trotted off and signaled for them to follow, so they did. She led them to a stone-walled inn with a sign depicting a goblet with frothing liquid inside. Opening the door revealed that the building was dark, dusty and damp and only two ponies were inside. One sat on her backhooves on a stool with a mug infront of her and another stood behind a counter, a stallion.

"Close that door," the stallion said with an old British accent, "we don't want no light in my pub."

"Sorry, pardner," Applejack chuckled, closing the door behind a terrified and clausterphobic Fluttershy.

"Applejack! It's been a while! What brings you to Frothy's Pub?" asked Frothy, brother of Salty of Appleloosa.

Fixed on the ceiling was the only working light in the pub which gave an edge of light to the gloomy bar. Frothy walked under it to reveal himself. A pale brown unicorn with baggy golden eyes and dirty, long grey hair. The bottom of his muzzle was covered with stubble and his grey, bushy eyebrows took up most of his forehead. His cutie mark was a mug with froth spilling over the side.

"We ain't here to see you, I'm afraid," Applejack laughed.

Her face then grew serious, "Berry Punch," she snapped.

The other pony slowly turned around, her mug now attached to her hoof, "wassat?"

"We need yer help," the orange pony said.

"I don't got no money," Berry Punch hiccuped.

"We don't need money, but we're taking you home," Twilight smiled.

"Do you want me to call a taxi?" Frothy asked.

"Nah, Berry should be sober enough to tell us where she lives at least," Applejack sighed.

***

Danny was walking down the middle of Ponyville, ponies looking in horror as he waddled in a straight line down the path. Every step he took he swore loudly, saying new words even some of the most outgoing ponies had never heard before. A confused Apple Bloom slowly trotted up to the fat man.

"Are y'all okay? Yer usin' some right fancy words there," she worried.

"I stepped on a fucking pebble and now it feels like my foot was fucked by a- for the greater good of anybody reading this, the rest of Danny's statement has been censored by the author. Sorry for the inconvience."

Everypony in the square gasped and trotted away mumbling. Most audible was Carrot Top, "well, I never."

Danny looked around at the empty square, "fuck. C'mon guys! You bunch of DICKS!"

Danny took another sweep of his neckbrace-wrapped neck and his eyes widened at a sight not too far away.

"BOOZE!" he cried with joy.

He slowly made his way to a large crate labeled "Flim & Flam Sure-As-Tartarus Alcoholic Top-Of-The-Line No.1 Export Alcholic 60% Alcohol Two-Swigs-And-You're-Down Cider" But on his way there, he fell down through the ground, which collapsed beneath him into a ponymade pit. He fell right on his back.

"OH- for the greater good of anybody reading this, the rest of Danny's statement has been censored by the author. Sorry for the inconvience. Honestly, if you were to see what Danny actually said here, your eyes would probably melt. If you hear it, then may Celestia have mercy on your ears."

Applejack, Twilight and Fluttershy stepped towards the hole, where Danny was flailing on his back trying to get back up, swearing with every breath. The three chuckled. Twilight used her magic to pull a rope which sent Danny flying upwards in a strong net tied to a tree. His unrepeatable threats and insults of the ponies filled the air of Ponyville. Berry Punch affectionatley embraced the crate of cider with her tongue sticking out of her wavy mouth.

"Thanks fer lending the cider, Berry Punch!" Applejack said.

"You ain't getting none of this without a fight!" she replied in drunken anger, falling over.

The three stared at her with confusion, then took the net from the tree with struggle to bring Danny back to his world.

At Canterlot Castle, in the main hall, Celestia stood ready to return the handcuffed Danny to his own dimension. She raised herself and focused magic in her horn, then aimed it at Danny.

"Danny, you have shamed our kingdom and our people. I am returning you to your own land as punishment," she said seriously.

"Fuck. Wait...I'm going home?" Danny replied.

"Yes."

"HURRY IT UP THEN, YOU BITCH!"

Celestia gasped and focused more magic in her horn, then shot a blast at Danny. There was a blinding white flash which took a while to dissapear. When it did, Danny should have been gone.

But he wasn't.

"Aw fuck. Looks like I gotta stay here with all these faggots." Danny sighed.