It's Always Snowy in Manehattan

“And that’s how you stuff a fridge with an elephant!” Vinyl exclaimed victoriously.

Octavia laughed, she jingled with laughter, it set Vinyl’s heart on fire, it pained her to see this woman laughing, it pained her because she knew that, no matter how funny she was, no matter how gentle and unlike her usual self she was, she would still never get her, she would never attain her, like a title, hell, like anything more than a friend. she wanted this, she really did, she no longer wanted to command and conquer, she just wanted to be let in, to lie with her, to kiss her, to be with her forever and beyond.

“Aren’t you scared that someone may steal your cello?” Vinyl asked, calming herself, calm. “It’s a pretty expensive cello, from what I gather,” calm Vinyl calmly said, calmly.

“Ah, don’t worry, Vinyl,” dismissive Octavia dismissed dismissively. “Everyone leaves their instruments in the store room, it’s normal practice.” She laughed, remembering an antic. “Did I tell you about that one time-”

“Give me your money!”

Vinyl and Octavia froze. There was a man, in the dark, a man before them, not an imposing man, not a tall man, not a huge man, but a man with a knife nevertheless, a man swishing his knife through the air. “Money, quick!”

Octavia felt faint, staggering back, while Vinyl, deftly, without breaking eye contact, took a stack of bank notes, handing them slowly to the robber. “It’s all we have,” she said seriously, calmly, pointedly.

The man grabbed the money and ran away.

“Oh my gods.” Octavia shivered, shaking in place like a fizzy drink, her eyes shut, tears leaving them in slow rivulets. “Oh my gods. He had a knife. He could- Oh my gods.” She kept shaking, and shaking, until Vinyl, with nothing better to offer her, took off her coat and wrapped it around the woman.

“Hey, uh, Octavia,” she tried to calm her down, “it’s, you know?, okay. He didn’t take much, and it’s-”

Without words, Octavia threw her arms around her saviour and sobbed deeply, pressing her face into Vinyl’s shoulder. Only now did Vinyl notice how vulnerable this woman was, and how… how actually short she was. Vinyl couldn't help but let out a nervous giggle. Then she giggled again, trying to suppress her mirth, even pressing a palm against her mouth, but the whole situation led to a breakdown, and while Octavia was having hers in crying, Vinyl was having hers in laughter.

“What- sob- what are you doing?” Octavia demanded, raising her face from Vinyl’s shoulder, her eyes red and puffy from crying. “Why are you laughing?!” she demanded, while Vinyl just took one look at the raven-haired woman, definitely shorter than her, and kept on giggling. “I-I’ll- shut up!”

Neither could say when exactly that happened, neither was sure that it was happening at all, and maybe, just maybe, it was a simple way for Octavia - let’s even say, it was the only way her stressed brain could deal with the situation - or, just maybe, it was a simple way for Octavia to shut up the woman with her; and neither was sure how long it lasted, only that Vinyl barely registered Octavia’s lips against hers, for a moment, or maybe several moments, or a minute; she wasn’t sure; but Octavia did it, and, breaking the kiss, she looked in horror at the woman before her, no longer giggling, sure, slightly taller, not completely silent.

Slowly, Octavia raised her hand and touched her lips with the tips of her fingers. Then her eyes widened and she staggered several steps back, breaking the embrace. It was, of course, just the nerves, she would never do such a thing why was she even here she shouldn’t be here it is a good time as good as any to escape yes just leave and never come back again never see her face again oh gods she kissed her how could she she was not a bloody lesbian was she no no of course not all she needed now was some solitude to get her thoughts straight and-

“Octavia?” Vinyl asked carefully, the touch of the woman’s lips still present on hers, her exhausted nerves registering the feeling after it was long past gone. “Did you just-?”

Octavia turned, and ran away.

***

“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” Vinyl kicked her shoe against the corner of the building. The night covered her little deed, as it covered the whole majestic city. “How could I let her go? When she finally-!”

It wasn’t hard to admit that she did not want Octavia to suffer any harm. It wasn’t hard to admit that, for a while now, she had wanted Octavia to be happy. It wasn’t hard to admit that she wanted Octavia to be happy with her. It wasn’t hard to admit that, in time, she realised that Octavia was seeing a good friend in her, and it wasn’t equally hard to admit that she was hoping for something more. What was hard to admit that, once Octavia had shown her that she liked her, once Octavia had acted upon her feelings, once that ice-cold girl finally broke her homophobic shell, Vinyl didn’t stop her, she didn’t call for her to come back, she didn’t run after her. She just stood there and waited, waited for something, under the falling snow.

Hecticly, she searched for her phone, when she remembered that she still didn’t have Octavia’s number. Cursing herself, she decided on the only thing she could do at the moment:

Run to her.

***

“That bloody bitch!”

The old, trusty mobile phone soared across the room and collided with the wall, sadly dropping onto the bed, its screen grinning with a mighty crack.

“That fucking lesbian whore!”

Octavia gritted her teeth, breathing heavily through the nose. “She used me!” She threw a pillow against the wall. “She seduced me and made me want her and made me kiss her!” She let out a primeval scream, a half-roar that pierced the silence of the flat. “Bloody fucking bleeding cunt!” She kicked the armchair, feeling white pain blinding her as she took in the stabbing gravity in her toe. “She meant to do this all along, and she fucking bleeding did it!” Furious, she punched the wall, hearing an unpleasant crack. Pain soared within her hand, and yet she persisted. “Those fucking faggots, they have the fucking media, they talk about their fucking marriage like it’s the most fucking important fucking thing I wanna set you on fucking fire till you cannot sit or stand I wanna murder you till you cannot scream anymore why do I want to why do I want to I am sick and tired of seein ye fooking pride everywhere I hate ye Vinyl ye can’t imagine how much I hate ye fer making me fer making me ugh cant ye jes all shuddup about all of this jes shudup vinyl ye i cant imagine how much how much when i was just a when i was and they all came on me and they all wanted to they wanted to and why did ye why did ye WHY DID YE MAKE ME WANT YOU?!”

Vinyl blinked at her from the doorway. Octavia opened her mouth, then her palm quickly made its way to her mouth. She used the other side to kill the scream and tasted copper. Her knuckles were a bloody mess. So it wasn’t the wall that crunched so satisfactorily, then. Not the wall. A sniff escaped her throat. Another one. Finally, she cried, cried deeply as the dam within her broke, her anger dissolving into nothingness, her shell crumbling somewhere on the floor. She staggered, but Vinyl was there to catch her. She melted into Vinyl’s embrace and cried and cried while Vinyl kissed her, kissed her all over the face with tiny pecks but somehow she didn’t mind that was… and if… while that certainly… but on… okay.

“How did you-?”

“The door was open.”

“I forgot to close it.”

“That’s all right.”

“Vinyl, I. I hate this.”

“Hate what, Octavia?”

“All this carnival around lesbianism and, and.”

“We don’t need it, Octavia. We can have a private carnival here, you and I.”

“I just. All around. The whole city turns rainbow, and, I, I. I don’t want to turn rainbow.”

“You’re not rainbow, love. You’re magenta. You can always be magenta. Everyone just thinks their city is the city. It’s not true.”

“W-what did you call me?”

“Love. I called you love. I love you, Octavia.”

“I. Please! I… I am not…”

“I love you.”

“I am not…”

“I love you.”

“I am…”

“I love you.”

“I am yours.”

“Show me your hand, love.”

“It’s bleeding.”

“Shh. I’ll kiss it to make it go away.”

“I don’t want to be lesbian, Vinyl.”

“Why?”

“I… I don’t want to. I don’t want to be part of their community.”

“You can eat ice cream and not be part of ice cream community.”

“I want to be yours. Just yours.”

“You are mine, Octavia.”

“She hurt me, Vinyl. She’s still hurting me.”

“Who’s she, love?”

“She’s… her.”

“Tell me everything, love, while I bandage your hand.”

“Don’t. It might be broken.”

“Here. Does it hurt?”

“Ow!”

“It’s not broken. Maybe cracked. We’ll see a doctor.”

“I want to confess, Vinyl.”

“Confess what, love?”

“I want to confess everything. I want you to be my priest.”

“All right, love. I can be your priest.”

“But I also want you.”

“I want you too, love.”

“Can we?”

“What?”

“Can we do it after I confess?”

“Sure. We can do everything.”

“Can you kiss me? Like, on the lips?”

“Of course. Come here.”

“That was good, Vinyl. I don’t… I don’t want to be a lesbian, Vinyl.”

“You can be my lover. Do you want to be my lover, Octavia?”

“Yes. Yes, Vinyl, I… I want to be your lover.”

“Come over here. There, the bed.”

“Mmh.”

“Take it easy. There. Are you good?”

“I’m good.”

“Tell me everything, love.”

***

Once upon a time, and a very good time, there lived a little girl called Octavia Philarmonica. Octavia liked to play with her little dollies and horsies, and liked to see the cherries grow on the cherry trees in the little garden in the backyard of the little home where her Mommy raised her, because her Daddy decided to go take a hike in the woods and never returned.

Little Octavia liked nothing more than playing with her dollies and horsies in their little house, but when she turned just seven her Mommy decided that little Octavia was grown-up enough to attend a boarding school. Little Octavia passed all the silly tests that were given to her, and her Mommy and The Rector were really pleased with the results, so her Mommy packed up the dollies and horsies and sent little Octavia to boarding school.

At first Octavia liked the studies, and the other girls in school. She made friends, and even a best friend, another girl called Margaret. Margaret and Octavia shared meals in the canteen, talked about boys - something that seemed really weird to both of them, for the boarding school was girls-only - and played with dollies and horsies.

Time passed, and little Octavia blossomed into a prim, beautiful young woman of sixteen, and the other girls matured with her. One way or another, other girls started going out with other girls, which seemed more than a little weird to Octavia. But then again, there were no boys in the school, so it was only to be expected. Octavia didn’t want such unwanted company, so she turned down every girl that wanted to date her, and sometimes she had to escape from some of the more… dedicated ones. But she had her friend, Margaret, and she no longer played dolls and horsies with her, but discussed how they were going to graduate and marry handsome boys, and they laughed at the girls’ lesbic antics, claiming understandingly that it would all pass when they graduated, that it was a phase.

Just a phase, right?

One day Margaret was in a somewhat sombre mood, and Octavia couldn’t get it out of her. She didn’t want to talk about boys or studies, she didn’t wear lipstick, so Octavia decided to invite her to her room for a sleepover. So Margaret came, and Octavia tried to sparkle a talk, but somehow all the talk Margaret shared with her referred to her, and… one way or another, Margaret leaned in and kissed her, right there on the bed, and, of course, Octavia freaked out what could she do she didn’t do that on purpose she didn’t mean to do it of course she punched her what did she expect how else could she react to such such a…

They never talked about it, ever again.

Octavia soon graduated, and entered university, and finally there were a lot of young men, smart, handsome young men… but for some reason, Octavia never went out with a single one of them. Soon they just left her alone, and she became what she became: a proud, stately classical musician, the soloist of the Orchestra in the great Conservatoire of Manehattan.

***

Side by side, in that raspy, dirty city, side by side, in the sodom of our times, in the lair of lust and fake love, cradled in love, side by side, under the falling snow, side by side, cleansed, side by side, under the watchful gaze of the carnival of rust, side by side, running from that carnival, side by side, submitting, side by side, rebellious, side by side, they slept, side by side, they lay in the sacred bed, side by side, they wept, yea they wept, side by side, when they remembered that carnival, side by side, how shall they sing their song in that strange land?, side by side, they lay, side by side, they slept, side by side, in that raspy, dirty carnival of a city that was proud, gay-proud, worker-proud, parent-proud, disgustingly proud, side by side they lay, they slept in the city that called itself Manehattan.