Camping. I had suggested camping. Somewhere nice and quiet and peaceful; somewhere we could reconnect with each other. So yesterday we headed to the Macintosh Hills for a weekend getaway. Now our tent was set up and we were one with nature and each other.
"So, Bon Bon?" I started hesitantly.
"What's up, dear," she asked, unpacking her fishing supplies. (Ugh, carnivores, am I right?)
"Well, you know, since we pledged we'd use this time to reconnect with each other, maybe we can clear the air a little. Like, tell each other our deepest secrets. Which you seem to have a lot of," I added with a glare.
"Oh, right. Sure thing. You first."
"Me first?" I asked, incredulously. "You're the one who never told me you're a secret agent!"
"Well, you're the one who brought it up. Besides, I would have had to kill you. You would have known too much."
I raised my eyebrows. "So why haven't you killed me now that you've told me, hmmm?"
Bon Bon shrugged. "Eh, I've kind of grown attached to you I guess."
I trotted over to her and nuzzled her cheek. "Awwww, you're sweet. Fine, I'll start with a secret of mine. I, um... I lost my virginity to Vinyl Scratch!" I eeped and covered my mouth. Maybe that was a bit too secret.
Bon Bon just chuckled. "I don't blame you. She's hot. I'd bang her too, but you give me plenty of action. Now then, I do suppose I have a few more details of my existance I should divulge:..."
"I like to hold Oreos under water until the bubbles stop coming up"
"Although I've been exiled from the swarm, Queen Chrysalis still makes me read her horrible fanfics. Except she writes them about real ponies and creatures. Some are alright, like the one with a Diamond Dog who flies to the moon. That one's pretty cute, actually. But most are about all the things she's going to do Celestia once she finally enslaves the ponies, and it's really, really creepy."
"I once was far north, impersonating a yak during rutting session, and I got so many bruises I felt like Disney's IP: I didn't let anypony touch me for a month."
"There are at least 3 other changelings in Ponyville, who I meet with a few times a month. I wish I could tell you more, but I can't. Then I'd have to kill you."
"When I started baking, I was awful. Like, super awful. Our changeling taste glands just don't work the same as pony taste buds. That's why Chrysalis was such a poor sport about all the food at Cadance's wedding. When I ask you to taste test my cookies when I try a new recipe, it's not because I love you. Well I mean, I do love you, or as close as I can get to love, but it's because I'm seeing how much you love my sweets. That's the ultimate test of my skill as a confectioner."
"Your 'hands' things is super weird and can get a bit annoying at times, but secretly I hope you'll get to follow Twilight into the human world one day and experience it for yourself. Actually I hope we both get to go and then we can have tons of kinky ape sex."
"Some nights, not only do I like to watch you sleep, but I invite my friends over to do it too. It's a communal experience."
"This one time at band camp, I discovered I could fit exactly seven piccolo flutes at the same time in my pony mouth...."
"That story about your goldfish getting eaten by Rarity's cat Opal? Well, um, I lied. I, uh, fed Bubbles too much food while you were on vacation and his stomach ruptured. I didn't want to throw him away or bury him, so I think he's still in a Ziploc bag at the bottom of Fluttershy's icebox."
"I love warm fuzzy belly rubbies. But I suppose you already knew that."
"When the Cutie Mark Crusaders learned I could change my cutie mark at will, they kidnapped me for three hours and made me model potential marks for them. Somehow it ended in tree sap."
"Twilight Sparkle constantly bugs me about research opportunities that I present as one of the few openly-changeling ponies in Equestria. What Celestia wants to tell her, but can't, is that the government has already performed plenty of tests on me. Some very unpleasant ones too, I might add."
"Regarding Haiku:
I'm hopelessly addicted,
Like I am to you."
"I've denied it for years, but yes, 'holejobs' are a thing."
"Ponies may have pet rocks, but changelings have pet cottage cheese. The attraction should be obvious."
"I lied. I actually am a fan of smaller posteriors."
"Before I met you I was a huge grumpy asshole constantly bitching about its lot in life, but your boundless enthusiasm and encouragement have helped change me into just a minor asshole who occasionally grumps."
"Vinyl Scratch gets really frisky when she's drunk, and I may have taken advantage of that a few times before I met you. I know most of the time she's pretty quiet when she's not making music, but WOW does she have another side to her!"
After a barrage of rapid-fire confessions, she finally seemed to have stopped talking. I smiled. "Wait, so we've both had sex with Vinyl Scratch, just not concurently? Huh. And as for the other stuff, well, wow! That's a lot to take in Bon Bon, and there are definitely going to be some long talks and counseling sessions in our future. But I'm really proud of you for getting all that off your barrel! Anything else you'd like to share, or is that all for now?"
Bon Bon grinned and started to giggle. "Whaaaat? I asked innocently.
"Well, one last thing I thought of. The 'Best Friends' rubbish needs to stop. Every pony on the planet knows we're fucking."
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.
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"And about those piccolos. By mouth I meant vagina."
