In Which Rarity Attacks Luigi
So, you thought that Mario's quote was the end of the story? Not entirely.
You know how the King sent us to that pony village to get him cupcakes? We asked a sex - oh, sorry. Let me try again. We got help from a smokin' - ugh! So anyway. We got directions from a curv -
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Okay, okay, I think I got this. I just have to focus my mind on the most un-hot thing ever. I'm pretty sure this is the only time I'd condone picturing:
I hope you people appreciate what I go through for you. That image is going to be burnt into my mind for at least two months.
Aaaaaanyway. We found... Rare...it...ee... with the intention of just asking her for directions, but before we could leave and fulfil our mission, I blurted out what a bounce she had to her flank. So that got us booted right out of her shop. Didn't think she was such a good fighter. Or that she cannot handle the truth.
Look, it's hardly my fault, is it? She shouldn't have been looking so hot in front of me! If anything, she was the one who sexually harassed me. How can you stand there looking like a total hottie and expect a guy not to instantly lust after you? Okay, you know what, never mind. I found a horse attractive, big deal. Moving on.
Right now, she's covered in (apparently acid-flavored) cake, and is chasing me through all of Hyrule, and I'm running away desperately, lest she shake herself to get that lethal cake all over me and probably whip my ass even more. Darnit, why couldn't she be covered in lotsa spaghetti instead?
But she tackles me from behind, and wrestles me to the ground. She's surprisingly tough, and I find myself looking fearfully up into her rabid blue eyes.
"NOW THEN!" she yells. "Let us deal with what happens to people who come into my store and make... th-those comments about me!"
"Geez, someone's acting uppity about it," I tell her. "You should say thank you more. I complimented you."
But this simply enrages her even more... wrong move. She shakes herself of the cake, and I yelp out in pain. "PLEASE! STOP! IT BUUUUURRRRRNS!"
I'm able to put an end to this by kicking her off me. "Fine, I get it, don't make perverted comments! Are we friends now?"
But I quickly learn the answer when she looks at me with a death glare.
"Look..." I try my best to think of something. Anything that will make this crazy mare shut up. "How about I take you out to a nice restaurant? Hyrule has some good ones." It means I'll be missing the dinner at the King's castle, but we all need to make sacrifices.
She seems to calm down slightly. "Very well," she says with a cold drawl.
I hold her hoof in my hand. "Ready to go?" I say with an encouraging smile.
"Ready..." She starts to walk alongside me - great! She's not going to go nuts on me. If I just keep this up, I can ditch her when I get the right chance. I mean, she is pretty flamin', but I'd just settle for Peach. After all, she seems fine with kissing both me and Mario when we save her.
Some all-pure princess she is.
In Which They Go To a Nice Restaurant
I swear to the Royal Sisters, I am in no mood for this right now. This creature has compromised my comfort with his vulgar comments, and my attack of him was, as I'm sure you and anypony else with the slightest rationality in their mind would agree, extremely justified. Though I did not expect him to be so... vulnerable to it. I had expected it to simply be an inconvenience to get out of those clothes of his.
We stop right next to a sign. I look at it to find it read: "SQUADALA STOP". Not half a second later, I hear a whooshing sound. I look up to see another ape-like creature on something... is it a carpet? The carpet comes closer and I take a few steps back when I get a closer view of the creature on the rug. He is wrinkled all over, and even worse, he is dressed in simply the most cringe-inducing clothes I have ever laid eyes upon.
That fabric is clearly polyester!
I turn around. "I refuse to be a part of this!"
"Your loss," says Luigi, and climbs on the carpet.
I can't resist peeking back and looking at the carpet. It seems like a great opportunity...
I could learn what the carpet is made from that makes it fly! I hear the obviously-older man exclaim:
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"WAAAIIIT!" I yell rabidly, and grab onto the corner of the carpet with my teeth. The carpet starts to move, and with the edge of it in my teeth, the entire carpet untwines...
The result is that Luigi and... Squadala-man, as I'll use as a placeholder term... fall straight to the ground, and I am stood there with a very large ball of fabric in my mouth.
"Um... shall we walk?" I suggest to Luigi rather hastily while Squadala-man is still trying to get up. To which the fat man replies:
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...and then jumps onto my back. Of course, I slowly turn my head around robotically and stare at him with another intense death glare.
"Oh... heheh..." He seems slightly intimidated and quickly gets down from me.
"Good," I say sharply. He walks in front of me and I follow him. In the distance I can see a village, which I can only assume is where he is taking me, but it is obviously miles away.
"Did I ever tell you about the time I hoped there would be lotsa spaghetti?" he asks me.
"No," I reply. "Have I ever told you about the time THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING. happened?"
"Nuh-uh," says Luigi. "So about that restaurant... I wonder what's for-"
Suddenly, a cupcake flies from the direction of the castle straight for him and hits him in the back of the head. "Ow!" he cries.