You Don't Want HIS Help...

"I mean, seriously! It's like she WANTED to see the shit get kicked outta me, you know?!"

Apple Bloom froze "Um...why are you talking like that, Scootaloo?" she shivered.

"I-I-it's n-not me!" Scootaloo said nervously.

Sweetie was about to reply, when a strong stench hit her nose "Oh, I get it. Your friends are a couple of those 'special' brats I keep hearing about. It'd explain why they haven't noticed that there's a FUCKING DEAD GUY standing right here!"

Turning slowly, Sweetie gasped when she saw the tall, rotting figure before her. It was dressed in a decaying black-and-white striped suit which clashed horribly with its hair, which was greenish-white and unkempt. There were dark circles around its eyes, and it had clearly been a long time since it had brushed its teeth.

"FINALLY!!!! It's nice to get some goddamned recognition around here!!" the corpse said, pulling out what looked like a chewing tobacco tin. He opened it to reveal-

"UGH!!!" Sweetie said, scooting backwards to her friends "WHY do you have a tin of cockroaches in your coat?!"

"Let's see...why is the sky blue? Why did the chicken cross the road...cause they're fucking delicious, is why." He selected one and stuck it between his lip and gums, spitting a stream of juice onto the ground "How about it? You of legal age?" He shook the tin at her.

Sweetie was too disgusted to respond, so Apple Bloom tried to speak "Um...a-are you...Beetleju-" she began, but Beetlejuice quickly slapped a piece of duct tape over her mouth.

"DON'T SAY IT!!!" he roared, then quickly regained himself "Sorry, sorry. I haven't been out of my box in AGES. Not since I hung out with that zebra chick...irritating way of talking, but AWESOME choice of stripes, you know?"

"Um...you mean Zecora?" Apple Bloom asked, trying desperately not to breathe through her nose. Beetlejuice snapped his fingers "That's the one! I knew it sounded like that crappy kids movie..."

"What are you talking about, sir?" Sweetie Belle was really confused.

"Zathura. Which, by the way, ROYALLY sucked. It was basically Jumanji in space. Jumanji was so much more violent. Fun for the whole family!!" He threw back his head and laughed "But back to the matter at hand: You kids summoned me, and for good reason. Now, spill." Beetlejuice sat on an invisible chair and crossed his legs, spitting more juice next to Scootaloo's hoof. Cringing, she moved back.

"Well...we've kinda been getting bullied lately, you see, and..." Apple Bloom began, only to have Beetlejuice hold up his hand.

"Stop before you put me to sleep, kid. You have no idea how many times I've been asked to help with that shit, ok? You coulda summoned Peeves for all I care, stupid fuck that he is..." He stood up and pulled another cockroach out.

"So you won't help us then?" Sweetie Belle asked. Beetlejuice shook his head "Sorry, just don't wanna. Why don't you just-"

"No, that's okay. I guess Peeves WOULD be more qualified..." Scootaloo said nonchalantly, only to have Beetlejuice appear before her, furious.

"NOT FUCKING QUAL-? Okay, sister, you want qualified?! I'll give you qualified!!!"

He suddenly tore his head off and threw it at the three fillies, who shrieked and tried to dodge it. In the process, Apple Bloom fell on her back, and Beetlejuice's decapitated cranium came to a rest on her chest.

"How's that for qualified? I got a resume too if you wanna see that." He wiggled his eyebrows at her, grinning as he did so. Apple Bloom was horrified, too stunned to even scream.

"For the love of Celestia, WHY would you do that?!" Scootaloo yelled, while a few feet away, Sweetie Belle could only stare.

"Cause I can. Wanna toss me over there, be a friend? Thanks." Beetlejuice's body waved at Apple Bloom, who was only too willing to throw the head off of her.

"Well...you're definitely qualified." Sweetie Belle said "But we only wanna scare them, not give them heart attacks!" Meanwhile, Beetlejuice finished reattatching his head.

"Obviously. I'm not a fucking monster, you know, I do have standards. 18 and up? I'm going all out. Kids? No way. I'll make 'em need a change of pants though, no problem."

"They don't usually wear pants, though."

"WHAT?! So you ponies just...wherever you want? That is fucking disgusting!" Beetlejuice said, spitting out more cockroach juice.

"Ok, changing the subject! Will you help us or not?" Scootaloo asked. Beetlejuice nodded "What the hell, I like you kids. You got guts. Literally!" He fell to the ground, convulsing with laughter.

The fillies groaned at the joke "He's worse than Pinkie Pie..." Sweetie said, Apple Bloom nodding "Let's hope they never meet."

"Oh, man...I'm killing myself all over again here..." Beetlejuice stood up "Right! It's SHOWTIME!!!"

***

"Um...I don't mind giving you a ride and all, but was it really necessary to turn into a bug?" Scootaloo asked. From the top of her head, Beetlejuice nodded "Well, duh. Don't want to ruin the surprise, do we?"

"Yeah, but you still have your regular head...and you're striped." Sweetie Belle replied. Beetlejuice laughed "This coming from a unicorn of all things. Well, not like that matters, really. A gig's a gig."

"Yeah...by the way, if we can't say your name, what ARE we allowed to call you?" Apple Bloom asked, to which Beetlejuice shrugged "I don't give a damn, as long as you don't say the other one. We don't want our playtime cut short now, do we?"

"Wait, so saying your name also makes you disappear again? Why?" Sweetie asked, confused.

"'Cause everything happens for a really stupid reason. Long story short, don't say the name."

"Okay then, what if we call you...Mr. B?"

"Meh, I can live with that. But anyway, are we there yet? I gotta take a fucking-"

"Ok, we need to have a talk." Scootaloo stopped abruptly and took Beetlejuice off her head "If you're gonna stay here for a couple days, you gotta watch your mouth, ok? We get in enough trouble as it is, we don't need to get told off cause we're hanging with a potty-mouth!"

"Or what? They'll kill me? Good luck with that!" Beetlejuice shot back "They're welcome to try though, I love seeing the looks on their faces when I get back up. Hell, this one time in France they had me in this guillotine-"

"Right, that does it," Scootaloo said angrily. She took a deep breath "Beetlejui-!"

"OKAY! Let's not get hasty here!" Beetlejuice hovered in front of the trio, waving his forelegs in the air "You wouldn't want little old me to take off before the big performance now, would you?"

"That's what'll happen if you step out of line too many times. We got a deal?" Apple Bloom said defiantly. She then jumped back, for Beetlejuice had suddenly zoomed into her face, changing back into his regular form as he did.

"Well, I'll make YOU a deal, dearie: I get to say and do whatever I damn well please, or else I'll go tell your zebra pal that you summoned me anyway." Beetlejuice glared darkly, shaking with rage.

This made the Cutie Mark Crusaders give a collective gasp "H-how did you know about that?" Sweetie Belle stammered.

"Same way that I know that you knocked green paint all over a fancy dress that your sister was working on last week. If I remember correctly, you blamed the cat and it got put in the basement for the night." Beetlejuice grinned horribly "Trust me, I know EVERYTHING..."

"You wouldn't!" Sweetie's lip wobbled, she was cleary terrified. Beetlejuice glared harder and snarled "Just fucking try me. I could ruin the rest of your life if I wanted to, so DON'T EVER THREATEN ME AGAIN!!!!"

Transforming into an insect once again, he flew back onto Scootaloo's head, the young Pegasus clearly shaken from the sudden outburst "Well, are you gonna carry me or what?"

"Ugh...FINE." Scootalo gathered herself together as the bio-exorcist settled back into her mane "But we're gonna need a place to keep you hidden until Friday."

"Whatever. As long as I don't gotta bunk with anymore dead famous people. You try living with Nixon...'I'm innocent! I'm not a crook!', he says. I mean, he just goes on and on and..."

"This is gonna be a loooong three days, girls." Apple Bloom groaned.