Alucard looked around in curiosity as he, Twilight and Spike walked through Ponyville, which was for some reason deserted. Everyone was barricading themselves in their homes. “What’s going on? If they’re hiding from me, I’m hurt. I would have thought they were used to me by now.”

Twilight looked around, tapping her chin, “They should be used to you by now… though I have to wonder just what the hell is happening today.” She observed her surroundings, noting that every now and then a person would suddenly shut their blinds and close their shutters, or drag their children back inside their house. “Odd…”

“What could it be?” Spike asked. “Is it… zombies?!”

“You’re a zombie, Spike,” Alucard reminded the dracolich. “And I doubt it. Powerful vampires like Luna and myself can withstand sunlight without issue. Ghouls on the other hand will be reduced to ashes in mere moments if exposed to the sun.”

“Fraulein…” a familiar voice whispered from nearby. “Fraulein.” Still they ignored him. “HEY FRAULEIN!!!”

Twilight whirled around and screamed, “WHAT!?” at Schrodinger, springing the hidden blade from her parasol and pointing it at his throat.

The for some reason nervous catboy gestured to Sugarcube Corner. “Get inside. Quickly. Before she discovers you. Now! Don’t ask questions yet!” With help from Pinkie, he ushered the trio inside Sugarcube Corner and locked the door behind them.

Twilight rolled her eyes as she took in the darkened scene and the shivering forms of her friends, save for Fluttershy, who simply sat in relative comfort. “Okay, girls, what’s all this crap about? And who is ‘she’?”

“Yes. I’m rather curious about that myself,” Alucard said as he moved behind Fluttershy and wrapped his arms around her neck. “Just who is it that causes the entire town to hide in fear when they’ve been sharing living space with a vampire lord?” He looked down at Fluttershy. “And why do you of all people seem the calmest, my dear?”

“Oh, uhm, that’s beca-” Fluttershy began, but was cut off by Rainbow’s cry of, “ZECORA!”

“.... What.” Twilight stared at Rainbow, completely baffled as to why Rainbow had suddenly screamed out a traditional Zebrican name.

“Zecora?” Alucard asked, arching an eyebrow as he pulled his sunglasses off to stare at the chromatic aerial with his red eyes, which glowed in the darkened room. “Just who is Zecora?”

Rarity answered this time, waving her hands in a “spooky” manner, “Zecora is a witch who lives in the Everfree! She comes into town once a month and just stands there menacingly, tapping her foot on the ground for a few hours before leaving! And she wears this awfully tacky cloak that nobody can see under!”

“Could be that she just wants to be neighborly,” Alucard pointed out. “And why are you so scared of her? My master and I are more dangerous than anything in that forest by orders of magnitude. Or did you forget those two Ursa that she and I slew?”

“Eheh… well… it’s just that… uhm… you two do live in town and are plainly identifiable on sight… but nobody even knows what Zecora looks like!” Rarity blushed in embarrassment and looked away, suddenly realizing that Twilight and Alucard honestly were more dangerous than someone who had yet to do anything but stand in the middle of the street for a few hours.

“Maybe she’s an albino like Twilight, and the cloak protects her from the sun,” Spike suggested from his spot beside Rarity. Which made Alucard roll his eyes with a small grin. Of course the dracolich would seek to be near the woman he still nursed a soft spot for.

The girls all took a collective thinking stance at the new idea. “Well… Ah s’pose it might be true…” Applejack muttered, rubbing her chin, “Though, if’n it is true, we got a lot of ‘pologizin’ t’do fer our collective rudeness.”

“Speaking of Zecora, isn’t zhat her out zhere right now?” Schrodinger asked from the window, his ears twitching a couple of times.

The girls collectively flinched at Zecora’s name on reflex while Twilight huffed and headed for the door, “Alright girls, I’m getting to the bottom of this damn situation.”

Schrodinger appeared in front of the door. “Vait! Vhat if Zecora really is evil?!”

“Who’s gonna do anything to me?” Twilight asked. “What’s his name? Oh yeah, Michael McDoesn’t Exist. Now move.”

“I can’t let you go out zhere, Twilight,” Schrodinger insisted before wires flashed and he was reduced to a pile of bloody body parts that Twilight casually stepped over before going outside.

“Vhat zhe hell, Twilight?!” Schrodinger yelled. “Zhat hurt!”

Zecora turned to look at Twilight as she exited Sugarcube corner, a pair of bright blue eyes barely visible under the shadows of the hooded cloak. “Greetings citizen of Ponyville, it has been some time since I have been greeted without ill will.”

“You must be Zecora,” Twilight said as she stopped a few feet from the cloaked woman. “I apologize for the rudeness of all my neighbors and friends. They seem to be under the impression that you’re some evil enchantress or something.” She giggled. “Truth is, I’m far more dangerous than anything in the Everfree, you included. Know that cave that had a couple of Ursa living in it a few months back?”

“I remember a cave with two bears, but imagine my surprise when I found it filled with naught but blood and air,” Zecora rhymed, seemingly shifting side to side with an unheard beat.

“That’s because I killed them,” Twilight said. “Well, I killed the Major. Its cub came by later and Alucard killed that one.” She giggled at the memory of Ursa blood. “Are there any other Ursa in the Everfree?”

“Ursa I know not of, but Manticore there are a lot of.” Zecora kept bobbing, her movements barely visible under her flowing cloak.

“Blegh. Not enough magic in them,” Twilight said. “Anyways… The townsfolk want to know what you look like so…” Her wires lashed out and pulled the cloak off of Zecora before she could react.

Zecora flinched back, shielding her eyes from the sun as it hit her eyes. “Gah! A move so sudden to remove the mask! A move so violent when you could have asked!” She glared at Twilight, running her fingers through her two-toned hair and spiking it into her normal mohawk.

Twilight stared at the woman in silence. Ebony skin, talked in rhymes, was very gifted in physique… “To quote my dear Alucard, sweet black fucking sabbath. You my friend are exotic.” She licked her lips wondering what the woman’s blood tasted like.

“Exotic I may be to Equestria, but not so much in my homeland of Zebrica,” Zecora retorted, crossing her arms over her bust. “Still, I must be grateful to thee, for you are the first of Ponyville to ever approach me.”

Twilight giggled. “Where are my manners? I haven’t even introduced myself. I’m Twilight Sparkle. And you should be meeting Alucard in three… two… one.”

As Zecora lowered her arms, Alucard’s gloved hands came up from behind her and squeezed her breasts. “Not bad, Zecora. Not as big as Sugarlips or Flutters though.”

Zecora’s brow twitched as she inexplicably pulled a staff out of her hip pouch and blasted Alucard away with a burst of verdant wind carrying the scent of Zebrican spices. “Hands off me, perverted one, or the next attack shall make your head gone.”

Twilight giggled. “Decapitation will only slow him down. I should know. I did it a few times when I was still living in Canterlot. Hey Alucard. Remember the first time you ate me out, and I sliced your head off while cumming from your blood splashing my legs?”

“Good times,” Alucard said as he got to his feet, totally unharmed. “Good times. So where’d the staff come from?”

“Where else but magic? Such a childish question to ask in a world without stable logic.” Zecora chuckled and twirled her staff, the ornaments upon it clacking noisily.

“We’ve got a couple of friends that make no sense and magic can’t explain them,” Alucard said.

“Oh yes. I’d love to see magic explain me,” Schrodinger said from his spot on Zecora’s shoulder, munching on a cupcake.

Zecora examined Schrodinger intently, tapping his form with a single finger, her eyes glowing bright, icy blue. “Hmm, magic can explain you, however what defines you is out of my venue.”

“Zhen try to have magic explain zhis catch phrase of mine.” Schrodinger said as he finished his cupcake and looked up at Zecora with a grin. “I am everyvhere and novhere.”

“Again, your magic is not my scene, though please, could you tell me where I could get some ice cream?” Zecora poked Schrodinger again, more amused than bemused.

Schrodinger appeared in front of her at his normal size laughing so hard he was holding his gut. “You’re zhe first person zhat doesn’t question my power! Right zhis vay! I’ll introduce you to Pinkie.” He gestured for her to follow him to Sugarcube Corner and then glared at Twilight. “Vas eviscerating me really necessary, Twilight?!”

“Yes. Yes it was.” Twilight deadpanned, crossing her arms as she followed Zecora back into Sugarcube Corner.

Schrodinger sighed and appeared beside Pinkie Pie. “Friends. Zhis is Zecora. She has come seeking ice cream and has zhe distinction of being zhe only person to accept my explanation of my ability.”

“Greetings ladies, I love the theme of this abode, but to the point, I come seeking Rocky Road.” Zecora smiled and bowed, jewelry jangling from her movement.

“Rocky Road ice cream coming right up!” Pinkie chirped, reasoning that if Twilight had no problem with Zecora, then she must be nice. She popped up in front of the woman holding out a bowl of Rocky Road. “Here ya go!”

Zecora smiled and took the bowl, scooping a bit of ice cream and eating it, “Mmm~ Rocky Road is truly grand, one wonders why there is so little demand.”

“I know, right?!” Pinkie asked, leaning over Schrodinger’s shoulder and pressing her breasts quite purposefully into his back.

Schrodinger blushed as he felt those funbags on his back. “Uh… Pinkie, vhat are you doing?”

Pinkie grinned and wiggled just a tiny bit, “Flirting~”

Zecora chuckled into her ice cream, “Ah young love is such a sight, though when improperly done it is such a fright.”

Schrodinger’s blush darkened both from Zecora’s comment and the fact that he could feel Pinkie’s nipples through both their shirts. Pinkie only grinned and kept clinging to Schrodinger, her arms tightly latched around him.

Gulping, Schrodinger vanished and reappeared upstairs in the bedroom he shared with Pinkie. Separate beds of course. He gripped the windowsill as he took deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart.

Pinkie Pie grinned from downstairs; sure she could go up and tease him some more, but she saw him every day, whereas Zecora only came by about once a month. “So, Zecora… what do you think of parties?” she asked, leaning forward in her chair.

Zecora hummed thoughtfully, “It has been some time since my last soiree, living in the Everfree means no time to partay.”

“You should stick around then,” Alucard said. “Titty Pie throws the best parties around, and always throws a party for newcomers. Including me and Sugarlips. Though when the lights came on and everyone screamed “SURPRISE” I almost blew someone’s head off on reflex.”

Zecora raised an eyebrow at Alucard, “My reflexes, I must confess, are much less volatile when put to the test. One thing still has caught my surprise, why do you call her ‘Titty’ Pie?”

“‘Cause of her big titties,” Alucard answered. “First woman I met that didn’t hit me for groping her. Even said I could call her Titty Pie if there were no kids around.”

“Interesting,” Zecora stated, taking another bite of ice cream.

Schrodinger chose that moment to reappear, right in front of Pinkie Pie. “Okay. I’m calm now. Calm as a fucking cucumber.”

Pinkie grinned and lunged forward, capturing Schrodinger in another hug and slamming her face into his abdomen. “Are you suuuuuure~?” she asked, pressing forward and squashing her breasts against his pelvic region.

Schrodinger’s blush returned in full force as his pants bulged outward, hidden only by the funbags that did that to him. Gulping, he vanished back upstairs, making Alucard laugh up a storm.

Pinkie pouted, turning it into a teasing smirk, “I guess he wasn’t calm after all~” She shrugged, smiling brightly.

Zecora chuckled, “Truly an interesting group of friends, the kind that stays until the bitter end.”

Alucard laughed and threw his arm around Pinkie before leading her into the kitchen. “Hey, Titty Pie, you suppose I could successfully throw a party in your place so that you can go upstairs and keep teasing ‘Schrody’?”

“....” Pinkie got all up in Alucard’s face, “Alright, pal. You get one chance at this. You throw a party that’s up to my standards, I might let you be the only other party planner in Ponyville. Got it?” She poked him on the chest a few times for good measure.

Alucard nodded. “Got it. They’ll never be able to tell the difference. Or do you want them to be able to tell the difference?”

“Hmmm….” Pinkie tapped her chin in thought, lounging in Alucard’s lap without a single care in the world, “Well, I’ll leave that up to you. Now if you’ll excuse me~” With that she sprung away, slipping under the fridge and disappearing from sight.

Schrodinger once again found himself in his and Pinkie’s bedroom at the windowsill trying not only to calm his racing heart, but also to make his annoying boner go down. “Okay. Finally got it down. Might need a cold shower before the day’s over.”

Just then, a feeling of two warm, soft, large mounds pressed into his back. From their feel, Schrodinger immediately knew that Pinkie was, if not shirtless, then not covering her breasts at all.

Blushing for what seemed like the umpteenth time that day, Schrodinger slowly turned his head to look at his roommate. “Uh… Pinkie?” He gulped very nervously.

“Yeeeesss~?” Pinkie giggled, slowly wiggling against him and whispering sensually in his ear.

“A-Are you… uh… topless right now?” he asked slowly, his blush creeping over his face ever so slightly further.

“Eeeeyyup~” Pinkie grinned and hugged Schrodinger from behind, completely ignoring his discomfort.

“V-Vhy did you take your shirt off?” he asked, gulping as his pants started painfully throbbing. “Mein gott, they’re so soft…”

“Well, it’s still summer, and I thought it was a little too warm, soooo~” Pinkie’s grin nearly split her face in half, the blatant lie slipping through like a tolling bell of Schrodinger’s impending doom.

Schrodinger vanished and reappeared next to his bed, looking anywhere but her very naked back. He knew she didn’t even own bras, and had the same disdain for them that Twilight apparently had for panties, if Alucard’s claims were to be believed.

“Awww~ Schrodyyyy~!” Pinkie whined, turning around to give Schrodinger a raspberry. “Pbbbbbbt to you! Hmph.” She crossed her arms and looked away, still visibly teasing Schrodinger from the way her arms pushed her breasts up.

Schrodinger tried to fight it, but the temptation proved too great as his gaze, slowly but surely, fell lower and landed on her huge breasts. Which did not help him where his boner was concerned.

Pinkie looked down at Schrodinger’s pants and grinned, bouncing her breasts up and down, “Well well, looks like someone’s happy to see me~!”

Schrodinger’s face at this point was completely red as he followed the movements of those glorious tracts of land, his bulge throbbing in both excitement and discomfort.

Pinkie frowned and dropped to her knees, shuffling over to Schrodinger and poking his bulge through his pants, “Well, that doesn’t exactly look… comfortable. Maybe mini-you would be happier outside your pants!”

Schrodinger gasped and broke from the trance her breasts had put on him when she poked his bulge, taking a step back. “Uh… Um…” He was so nervous he couldn’t put words together.

Pinkie giggled, “No need to be like Fluttershy right now, Schrody~! Do you want a little bit of Mama Pinkie’s TLC or noooot~?”

Schrodinger gulped and very slowly nodded. “Oh yes. I vant some of her TLC. No. I need it!”

Pinkie smiled, “Then let me just take care of this, yeah?” She slowly unzipped Schrodinger’s shorts, letting them fall to the ground and allowing his erection to spring forth. With great care normally unseen from her, Pinkie slowly, carefully took the head of Schrodinger’s penis into her mouth, giving it a long, sensuous lick.

Schrodinger moaned as he felt his knees give way and make him sit down on his bed, glad to have the discomfort of his shorts dealt with.

Pinkie grinned and continued licking, taking the entire head of Schrodinger’s penis in her mouth and licking it like a lollipop. She suckled eagerly, making little mewling noises.

Schrodinger tilted his head back and supported himself with his hands as he moaned from what Pinkie was doing to him. “Mein gott she’s so good vith zhat tongue…”

Pinkie began bobbing her head up and down, taking progressively more and more of Schrodinger’s shaft with each dip. She swirled her tongue around, bathing Schrodinger’s shaft in her saliva.

Schrodinger moaned louder as his eyes rolled back. He’d never experienced such pleasures before in his life. As she went further down on him, he heard a sound escape his throat that he didn’t even know he could make. He had started purring.

Pinkie giggled from around his cock, sending pleasant tingles through his whole body. She pulled off quickly, wiping her mouth and smiling up at Schrodinger while she gave him a handjob, “Wow Schrody! I didn’t know you could do that!”

“N-Neizher did I…” Schrodinger moaned as he felt her soft hand rub up and down his sensitive flesh. His purring soon gave way to panting as his inexperience unfortunately meant he had little in the way of stamina. So he shot an early load without warning.

“Eep!” Pinkie flinched back, holding her hand out to block the premature shot. Pinkie giggled, “Well, maybe you’re a little inexperienced, buuuut~ we can fix that~!” She licked the semen from her fingers and hummed, “Well, it’s a little salty and weird, but y’know what? It’s actually not half bad!” She continued stroking Schrodinger’s cock, teasing it back to a full erection.

Schrodinger was quickly moaning again as he hardened in her grip. He was half tempted to vanish and take a cold shower. But knowing Pinkie, she’d just follow him like all the other times. “Know vhat? Screw it. I’ll try anyvay.” Vanishing from the room, he reappeared in the bathroom, standing in the shower sans the rest of his clothes, and turned the cold water on full blast, shivering as it flowed over him.

A sudden burst of warm water broke his train of thought though, the frigid water quickly heating up and filling the bathroom with steam as a wave of doom slammed down Schrodinger’s spine. More accurately, it was Pinkie’s naked body pressing up against his back, her hands coming around to tease Schrodinger’s penis some more.

Schrodinger moaned as she slowly stroked him, his moans echoing around the bathroom as he braced his hands against the wall. “Mein gott… Pinkie zhat feels really good…” He could feel her hard nipples rubbing against his skin.

Pinkie giggled and continued stroking Schrodinger’s penis, her wet, slick body sliding against his own and arousing the catboy further.

Schrodinger was soon purring again, helpless under Pinkie’s tendings. He felt her start planting little kisses on his neck.

As she kissed a trail from shoulder to jawline, Pinkie began fondling Schrodinger’s balls, rolling them between her fingers. She ground her hips against his, her breasts against his back.

Schrodinger purred louder and found himself trying to turn to face her as she pleasured him. He wanted to see her body for himself. Pinkie smiled and turned Schrodinger around, dropping to her knees and wrapping her lips around his shaft once more. With great skill, she dragged her tongue up and down his length, flicking at the head with every pass.

Schrodinger leaned against the wall to stay standing as he purred, his hands lightly resting on Pinkie’s head. “You’re so good vith zhat tongue, Pinkie…” His eyes rolled back again as he felt the sensations. Her warm mouth wrapped around him, her dexterous tongue massaging every part of him that it passed over, her hands massaging what couldn’t fit in her mouth.

Pinkie mumbled a cheery agreement, the vibrations only adding to the pleasure that Schrodinger felt. She looked up at him and, with a sultry wink, slammed her face forward, taking his cock all the way to the base.

Schrodinger’s eyes widened as she did, and the sudden enveloping of his cock in her warm mouth and throat proved too much as he came with a loud groan, his fingers curling in her hair.

Pinkie gulped down Schrodinger’s semen eagerly, managing to swallow all of it without a spilling a single drop. When he had finished, she pulled off of him with a loud pop and grinned, wiping her mouth. “Oops~ Sorry, I guess a shower isn’t a really good place to get dirty, now is it?”

Schrodinger blushed and nodded as he panted from his release, looking at Pinkie’s naked body and watching some of the water droplets slide down her voluptuous curves. The sight quickly saw his length harden to attention again.

Pinkie giggled and flicked the tip of his erection before standing, “Sorry little Schrody, mama’s all tuckered out for now. Besides, we gotta get back to the rest of the guys and girls before they start worrying!” She pecked Schrodinger on the cheek and stepped from the shower, toweling off in a manner so as to tease and arouse Schrodinger even more.

Schrodinger reached out and pulled her back into the shower, holding her against him. “Oh ve’re not done yet, Pinkie,” he whispered into her ear, his nervousness now dispelled and his confidence returned. “You can’t leave me all hot and bothered after teasing me so much,” he purred, his accent adding a certain allure as he slid his hands up her belly. “All zhose times you let me catch glimpses of your naked body. Did you sink I vouldn’t do somesing sooner or later?” He cupped her breasts in his hands and gently fondled them. “Now it’s my turn to tease you, fraulein,” he purred before dragging his tongue over her ear.

“Ohohoho~” Pinkie giggled, grinding her bum against his throbbing erection, “Well, if you really wanna go that far, I guess that it’s only fair that I help you with that, hmmm~?”

Schrodinger chuckled and kept fondling her breasts as he slipped his length between her legs and started slowly sliding it along her glistening snatch, making sure to rub it against her clit especially.

Pinkie’s giggles turned into a long, drawn out moan as her clit was stroked. She ground against Schrodinger with a fervent need, soaking him even further with a veritable river of juices.

Schrodinger lightly pinched and twisted her nipples. “Tell me vhat you vant, Pinkie,” he purred in her ear before dragging his tongue over her neck.

Pinkie gasped, her tongue lolling out as she mumbled out, “I… I want you, Schrody!” She furiously ground against him, trying to slip herself onto his dick.

Schrodinger grinned as he kept her from getting him inside her, still rubbing against her. “Not yet, fraulein. I said it vas my turn to tease you.” Lifting her right arm over his head to hook around his neck, he leaned down with his feline flexibility and started licking her right nipple.

Pinkie groaned in frustration, still grinding against Schrodinger. “C’moooon~! Seriously!?” she squashed his face to her breast while massaging the other, desperately trying to get off.

Schrodinger kept control as he sucked on her nipple, reaching down to rub her clit with his fingers. “Not so fun to be on zhe receiving end is it, fraulein?”

Pinkie moaned, “N-nah~ It’s great! But still, couldn’t you just hurry up and stick it in me already!?” She leaned against the wall of the shower, a burning heat racing through her loins.

Schrodinger licked her neck again. “Beg for it, fraulein. Tell me how badly you vant me inside you.” He just kept rubbing against her pussy without actually going in. “Beg, fraulein.”

“P-please, Schrodinger! Please fuck me! I need you!” Pinkie begged, hiding an incredibly salacious grin behind her moans.

Schrodinger pretended to consider it for a moment. “Vell… Okay.” Gripping her well rounded hips, he started slowly sliding his cock into her, moaning as he slowly hilted inside her cavern.

Pinkie’s scream of utter delight nearly deafened the both of them as it echoed through the somehow soundproofed bathroom. Pinkie herself began eagerly slamming her hips against Schrodinger’s, driving him in and out of her hot and slick love canal.

Schrodinger moaned loudly as he moved with her, thrusting in time with her bucking hips. “You feel amazing, Pinkie! Mein gott! So tight for someone that’s not a virgin!”

Pinkie had no response for this, settling only for moaning as she felt Schrodinger pierce through her depths and almost reach the entrance to her womb. The both of them had long since air-dried, but with the amount of juices flowing from Pinkie’s vagina, both of their legs were still soaking wet.

Schrodinger started purring again as he reached under her and squeezed her breasts again, thrusting harder and faster into her. “Oh Pinkie… Being inside you feels so good.” He licked and kissed her neck as he gently pulled on her nipples.

Pinkie moaned in delight, leaning backward against Schrodinger and bringing her face backwards. She kissed him deeply, forcing her tongue into his mouth and swirling it around.

Schrodinger kissed her back and met her tongue with his own, running his fingers through her hair as his other hand reached down and rubbed her clit. “Her lips are so soft and full.”

Pinkie moaned into the kiss, softly running her hands over Schrodinger’s hair and stroking his ears. Her eyes closed as she deepened the kiss, gently pushing backwards until Schrodinger leaned against the wall, driving him ever so slightly deeper within her folds.

Schrodinger purred into her lips as their tongues danced and he slowly moved them to where they were sitting on the floor of the shower with her riding him, his hands finding their way back to her chest. “Yes… Mein ears are so sensitive…”

Pinkie began riding Schrodinger in the reverse cowgirl position, grinding her hips from side to side as she bounced on top of him.

Schrodinger finally broke their kiss as he moaned while twitching inside her. “Pinkie… I’m about to…” he groaned loudly as he burst inside her, spurting several shots into her snatch.

Pinkie cried out in ecstasy as she orgasmed, falling back against Schrodinger as her vaginal walls rippled and contracted, all but milking every last drop of semen from Schrodinger.

Schrodinger panted as he held Pinkie close to him, taking a deep whiff of her hair. “She smells so nice…” He planted a kiss on her neck before turning her head and planting a deeper kiss on her lips.

Pinkie giggled as Schrodinger kissed her and ran a finger down his chest, “Well well, Schrody. I didn’t think you had it in you, but now you have it in me~”

Schrodinger laughed and hugged her closer to him as he enjoyed her joke. “Oh Pinkie. Zhat sense of humor is one of zhe many sings I love about you.” He stopped laughing and darkly blushed as he realized what he’d just said.

Pinkie gasped, “Did… did you say that… you love me?” Her eyes went wide and starry as a huge grin broke out across her face.

Schrodinger blushed darker as he slowly nodded. “Ja. I love you, Pinkie Pie.” He nuzzled her neck. “I feel like you’re zhe only person zhat really understands me.”

Pinkie hugged Schrodinger close, wiggling back and forth with his head between her breasts, “Oh me too, Schrody! You’re one of the only people to ever just accept me and not think I’m weird!”

Schrodinger smiled as he nuzzled her mounds. “Ja. Ve fourth vall breakers have to stick togezher, eh?” He looked into her eyes and gave her another smile.

“Yuperroonie!” Pinkie giggled, pecking Schrodinger on the lips.

Schrodinger pulled her into a deeper, more passionate kiss as he rubbed her back, enjoying holding her to him.

Pinkie bounced down the stairs, still full of energy even after her ‘activities’. Behind her, Schrodinger slowly descended, somehow a little sore even with his abilities.

“SURPRISE!!!” a large crowd yelled as they entered the front of the store, startling Schrodinger into Pinkie’s arms. “Vhat zhe hell?!” Before them was a full party with all the need catering, and a banner that had the words ‘Congrats on getting a girlfriend and losing your virginity, Schrodinger!’ crammed onto it and somehow still readable.

“So… Is it up to Titty Pie standards?” Alucard asked from between Twilight and Fluttershy, who his arms were draped around.

Pinkie looked around with a critical eye and nodded, grinning widely, “Yup! This is just what I woulda planned! Well, mostly. But good job Ally!” She held Schrodinger up easily, descending the stairs while quietly humming the Wedding March so that only Schrodinger and those with enhanced senses could hear.

Schrodinger vanished and reappeared beside Pinkie, looking around. “So… I’m guessing zhis is an adults only party, knowing Alucard.”

“Got that right!” Alucard said. “If you’re not eighteen then go away!”

Several of the people who had brought children left, consoling said children as the rest of the adults continued to party, eating and chatting while music played.

Alucard snuck up on Pinkie and Schrodinger, draping his arms around them. “So… Details. I heard a lot with my vampire hearing, but let’s hear the juicy stuff. Eh?”

Pinkie and Schrodinger both blushed, the grins freezing upon their faces. “Ehehe…” Pinkie chuckled nervously, “well, I… don’t really think that’s exactly the most appropriate thing to talk about…?”

“Yes, Alucard. Vhy don’t you go pester your own ladies and leave us be,” Schrodinger said, flicking the vampire’s nose.

Alucard grinned impishly, “Because my ladies don’t currently reek of shower sex.”

“I’m sure zhat’s going to change very soon vith you and Twilight,” Schrodinger deadpanned, his ears twitching.

“Oh definitely,” Alucard’s grin grew shark-like in its width. He was already salivating at the thought of what he would do to Twilight and Fluttershy later on… and what they would do to him.

Schrodinger rolled his eyes and vanished to the kitchen, counting on Pinkie to follow him as only she could.

Pinkie was already inside, pouring out two glasses of milk and retrieving a pack of cookies before sitting down at the counter and motioning for Schrodinger to sit next to her.

Smiling like the cat he was, Schrodinger appeared in the spot beside her, accepting one of the glasses of milk and grabbing a cookie.

Pinkie hummed as they sat there, dipping their cookies in milk. “Hey Schrody?” Pinkie asked, nibbling at her fourth cookie.

“Ja?” Schrodinger answered, leaning on her as he took a bite of his cookie, looking at her with his head tilted in curiosity.

Pinkie’s grin grew positively salacious, “What do you think about… doing it all over Ponyville?”

Schrodinger was silent for a moment before his own grin widened. “You’re so kinky, mein love.”

Pinkie finished off her eighth cookie and downed her glass of milk. She stood and headed for the door, “Well? You comin’ or what?”

Schrodinger grinned and drained his own glass, setting it down before following after Pinkie. “Lead on, mein love.”

Pinkie pulled Schrodinger off screen and into a secluded alleyway halfway across Ponyville with an echoing giggle, their clothes somehow falling off in mid-transit and disappearing from existence. “Well loverboy? We gonna do it or what?”

Schrodinger grinned and deeply kissed her as he squeezed her left breast and ran his other hand’s fingers through her hair after guiding her hand to his rapidly hardened shaft.

Pinkie eagerly reciprocated, stroking her hand up and down his length and squeezing his butt with her free hand.

Schrodinger moaned into her lips as the hand in her hair reached down and rubbed her clit before a couple of his fingers plunged into her cavern.

Pinkie arched her back and thrusted forward, bucking her hips into Schrodinger’s hand as she cried out softly. Her hand tightened around Schrodinger’s shaft, providing a comfortable pressure.

Schrodinger purred and softly kissed her neck as he thrusted in her grip, his fingers going in and out of her snatch. “Your skin is so smooth, Pinkie…”

Pinkie giggled and kneeled down, swiftly taking Schrodinger into her mouth and sucking him off with vigor.

Schrodinger’s eyes rolled back as he purred, running his fingers through her hair as she lovingly expertly sucked on his meat.

After getting Schrodinger’s pole nice and lubricated, Pinkie backed off slightly, his shaft popping from her mouth and smacking on her prodigious breasts. Pinkie grinned and lifted her breasts, shifting them around Schrodinger’s penis and giving him a vigorous tittyfuck.

Schrodinger had to bite his tongue to avoid moaning too loudly. “Oh Pinkie… Zhey’re so soft against mein flesh. So creamy smooth and soft. Like giant fluffy marshmallows.”

Pinkie giggled again, “The best marshmallows~” She continued moving her tits around, the uneven pressure sending waves of tingling up Schrodinger’s spine.

Schrodinger nodded in agreement. “Oh Pinkie, I’m going to cum if you keep doing zhat.”

“That’s the point~” Pinkie sing-songed, picking up the pace and suckling the tip of Schrodinger’s cock.

Schrodinger gripped her head and groaned as he came in her mouth, still not having much stamina. Pinkie flung her head back this time as Schrodinger came, allowing his semen to splatter all over her face and breasts, creating multiple trails of gooey whiteness.

Pinkie tittered and dabbed at her face, inspecting the strands, “Well, that was fun! Wanna keep going, loverboy?”

Schrodinger panted and grinned at her. “You need to ask?”

A few days after Pinkie’s and Schrodinger’s secret escapades, Twilight strolled through town, checking things off of a grocery list as she shopped.

Alucard draped an arm around Twilight’s shoulders. “So… How do you like shower sex, Sugarlips?” he asked as he licked her cheek while grinning.

Twilight grinned and blushed, speaking quietly so as to not be heard, “It’s absolutely wonderful, Alucard. Should we do it again tonight?”

“You bet your sexy ass we will,” Alucard answered before looking ahead and seeing a peculiar sight. “What’s up with Titty Pie and Schrodinger?” Said lovebirds were moving from cover to cover with umbrella hats while looking fearfully at the sky.

Twilight stared in confusion before shrugging and shouting over to the odd pair, “I don’t know. Hey Pinkie! Schrodinger! What are you two doing?”

Schrodinger appeared behind them and pulled them into cover. “Pinkie’s tailbone is tingling, Twilight!”

Alucard nodded. “Yup. She can’t help shaking her ass while she walks.”

Pinkie continued observing the sky, fearfully stage whispering, “Tingling tailbone means something’s gonna fall!” She hugged her back to the wall, just in time to dodge a falling flowerpot, all four of them watching it shatter on the ground in mild bemusement.

Twilight shook her head, “How’d you even know that would happen, Pinkie?”

“Oh, that’s easy! I have a Pinkie Sense!” Pinkie joyfully bounced out from cover, all problems apparently resolved, “It tells me when things are gonna happen!”

Schrodinger appeared behind Pinkie and hugged her close. “She interprets her lovely body’s twitches to tell zhe future. Such a vonderous power, mein love.” He nuzzled his cheek against Pinkie’s as he purred.

“....” Twilight’s brain tried and failed to comprehend how a terran without any real command over the aetherium could accurately predict future events just by interpreting bodily input. “That… doesn’t seem possible…”

“You said me getting boners wasn’t possible either, and I plow your brains out practically every night,” Alucard pointed out.

Twilight blushed and lightly smacked Alucard on the shoulder, “Shush! Not in public, Alucard! There might be children around here!”

“Pretty sure Pinkie has a twitch combo for zhat,” Schrodinger said, pecking the hyperactive girl on the cheek and grinning at her.

“Yup! Twitchy eyelid, ear flop, fluttery stomach, and finger spasm!” Pinkie exclaimed, planting a big smooch on Schrodinger’s lips.

Schrodinger kissed her back and hugged her closer. “So no kids around right now.” He chuckled as his ears twitched.

“Right!” Pinkie giggled, falling into Schrodinger’s embrace with a happy sigh, “Anyway, me and Schrody here have to go back to Sugarcube Corner, sooooo~ have fun shopping!” With that, Pinkie spun around, joining hands with Schrodinger and skipping away, humming a joyous tune.

Twilight watched them go, a strange, scholarly gleam present in her eyes.

“I know that look, Sugarlips,” Alucard teased, having seen it many times over the years. “You want to spy on them and learn some new stuff to try in bed.”

Twilight coughed into her hand and straightened up, drawing out a pair of decorative reading glasses and pushing them up the bridge of her nose in a practiced maneuver. “Well, maybe not in bed, but I definitely want to see how that ‘Pinkie Sense’ seems to work.”

“You look sexy in glasses,” Alucard said, pecking her on the cheek and squeezing her ass with a laugh. “So how you gonna study Titty Pie?”

Twilight hummed in thought, pulling a clipboard and a fresh sheaf of paper from her pocket dimension and teleporting away, reappearing not too far away from Pinkie and observing the bouncy woman with a binocular spell set into her glasses.

Schrodinger was still with Pinkie and gently pushed her against a wall as he kissed her, taking advantage of there being no other people around to reach up and squeeze one of her breasts. She had made him such a naughty cat.

Twilight blushed furiously as she watched, her pen poised to write down any of Pinkie’s strange motions. Just as things began to get heated, Pinkie suddenly whirled about, tossing both her and Schrodinger under an awning as she screeched, “TINGLING TAILBONE!”

Twilight looked around, seeing that nothing was above her, and jotted down the line, waiting for something to happen. After a few seconds, she began wondering just what was going to happen when…

CRASH!

She was buried under nearly two hundred pounds of furniture, dropped out of the back of an aerial drawn moving van about a hundred feet above Twilight.

“Oops! I just don’t know what went wrong!” she heard from above through the haze of pain. With a groan, she managed to shift the dropped furniture aside, slowly climbing from the pile. As she extricated herself, she winced as a small object bounced off her head and into her hand.

After pulling herself from the pile of furniture, Twilight stared at the object, noting that it was…

“A silver cross necklace?” she asked, hearing the faintest streams of music emanating from it, along with a rough voice bearing a Mareish accent.

“Where in the bloody hell am I?!” The voice belonged to a man in a long white coat, white pants, white everything really. There was a long scar on his left cheek, he had green eyes, glasses, and the cross necklace on. Turning to Twilight, he bowed respectfully. “Madame. Could you tell me where I am?”

Twilight stood, absolutely stunned at the man before her. She recognized this man, if only barely, from the descriptions both Schrodinger and Alucard had given her at one point. “A-alexander… A-anderson….” she stuttered, slowly backing away in fear.

“You know my name?” Anderson asked in curiosity as he took a closer look at her, his eyes slowly narrowing. “Do the dead walk before my eyes?” A bayonet appeared in each of his hands in a flash before he crossed the blades in front of him, one in a forward grip, the other in a reverse grip. “Do the dead dare walk before my eyes?!”

Twilight gulped and shuddered, tears springing forth from her eyes as her life flashed in front of her. She stuttered incoherently, shaking violently and completely unable to make a single thought of fighting, so consumed by fear was she.

Several gunshots rang out as bullets pierced the flesh of the bayonet wielding paladin. “Twilight! Run!” Alucard yelled as he kept the Casull trained on the priest.

Twilight snapped out of her fear induced paralysis, instantly teleporting away in a loud, crackling flash of violet.

Anderson chuckled as he regenerated, turning to face his new opponent. “Ah… Alucard. The housebroken vampire that hunts his own kind. We meet at last.” He crossed his bayonets. “I don’t know where I am or how I got here, but finding out can wait.”

Alucard growled, his normally joking personality vanished under the weight of all he stood to protect. He leveled both Casull and Jackal at Anderson, his glare glowing bright, bloody red. “Alright Anderson, here’s the deal: You leave and I don’t kill you horribly in the middle of town. You stay, and I’ll be feasting on your entrails tonight!”

Anderson laughed. “The vampire king wants to avoid a fight? Why? Does it really matter to you if your food is dead or not? All you need is the blood. Not that I’m going to let you and that vampire harlot kill anyone in this town, you unholy beast!.”

“Food? Food!? This isn’t about my hunger, my bloodlust, you psychopathic priest!” Alucard roared, flicking the safety off of the Jackal, “This is about protecting my master, her friends, and her home! So step off or die, so that they might see another day!”

Anderson looked at him in genuine surprise, his grin fading from his face as he slowly lowered his bayonets. “You claim you don’t care about their blood. That you’re trying to protect them? How surprising. Not what I expected from one of your kind. I’m curious. What provoked such a change in you?”

Alucard lowered his guns, a solemn expression on his face as he stared Anderson dead in the eyes. “I… I fell in love…” he murmured, just loud enough for Anderson to hear.

Anderson’s eyes widened ever so slightly. “What did you just say? Did I just hear the king of vampires claim that he’s fallen in love?” He mentally connected the dots. “That woman… The one you told to run… It’s her, isn’t it?”

“Yes…” Alucard put his guns away and straightened, “So if you think I’ll let you harm her or her friends in any way at all, you’ve got another thing coming, Judas Priest.”

Anderson was silent for several moments before putting his bayonets away. “Well… You’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. So tell me where I am, vampire.”

Alucard smirked and gestured grandiosely, “Welcome, papist, to Equestria! Specifically, the rural town of Ponyville, where my girlfriend and master has made her home for the next indefinite amount of time!” He grinned and bowed mockingly, “I do hope you enjoy your stay.”

Anderson stared at him. “You mean to tell me that I’ve gone from being a dude in a costume at a con to being in the one and only Equestria, and actually having all of these powers? And that pale ass chick was Twilight Sparkle?”

“Yyyyyyup.” Alucard rolled his eyes, “You and I are in the same boat, apparently. Though my time as Alucard has dulled my sense of self, I greet you not as the abominable vampire, but as Thomas Lancaster, ordinary citizen of Jolly Old England. What about you, papist?”

“Minister O’Malley’O’Connel’O’Carrol’O’Reilly’O’Brian’O’Sullivan… Who is actually just Irish.” Anderson answered with a laugh.

“Really?” Alucard deadpanned, dropping his face into his palm.

“What irony, ain’t it?” Anderson asked. “I’m a Protestant minister, and I’ve been turned into a Catholic priest!”

Alucard broke down, raucous peals of laughter echoing through the area as he doubled over, “Pfffahahahah! Oh god the irony! The irony is killing me!” He slapped himself a few times, failing to get rid of the chuckles as he all but collapsed to the ground.

Anderson laughed with him. “How can it be killin ya?! Yer already dead! Maybe ya can laugh yerself back to death, eh?!”

Alucard finally finished laughing, supporting himself upon Anderson’s shoulder, “Ahaha… oh… man… haven’t laughed that hard in almost fifteen hundred years or so… I think. Anyway, earlier misunderstanding aside, I think we can all just kick back and reee-”

“YOU CALLED ME A WHORE YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

“-.... shit.”

Twilight came screaming back over the horizon, having launched herself into the air at terminal velocity and smashed down upon Anderson with the mightiest bitchslap that had ever been performed in all of Equestria. Ever.

Anderson went flying through the air and smashed through the Quills and Sofas shop, crawling from the ruin with a red handprint on his right cheek that seemed to almost glow. “What the hell was that all about?!”

Alucard winced at Twilight’s visible fury, her hair actually having started to smolder once more. “Ah… forgot to tell you… she does not appreciate being called any sort of whore… whoops.”

Twilight stormed forth like an angry goddess, fear overridden by rage and wires gleaming in the sunlight.

Anderson got to his feet. “Now hold on, lass! I’m sure we can work something out, right? Just put the wires away and let’s talk about this!”

Twilight growled and lashed her wires around Anderson’s form, blunting them in a sheath of magenta mana, and slammed Anderson into the dirt like a giant flail, each crack of dirt accompanied by a single, shouted word.

“I! AM! NOT! A! WHORE! AND! YOU! WILL! NEVER! EVER! EVER! REFER! TO! ME! AS! SUCH! AGAIN! GOT! IT!?”

Anderson was groaning in pain from all the slamming. “Crystal clear…” he said when he could spare the breath while his bones were busy knitting themselves back together.

Twilight smiled angelically and slipped off her gloves. “Great! Welcome to Ponyville, Minister Anderson! I hope you enjoy your stay here!”

“Ya know what… Just stick to Father Anderson, or just Anderson, given my circumstances,” the priest muttered as he crawled from the hole he was in.

“Okay~” Twilight tugged at Alucard’s arm, “Well, should we get back to shopping, my count?”

Alucard chuckled. “We shall, my countess.” Letting his arm be buried in his love’s breasts, he walked away from Anderson with her.

About a week later, Twilight sat in her underground laboratory, tinkering with the cross necklace that Anderson had let her keep. The minister had gone out with Alucard and Schrodinger, saying something about a “Guy’s day” and left without another word. Trixie was upstairs, finishing some paperwork.

Twilight grinned and cast another spell upon the silver trinket, trying to unravel its mysteries. Spell after spell impacted its shining surface, divulging more and more of its secrets to Twilight until finally… something in the Universe broke.

A swirling, screaming portal erupted into existence, dragging Twilight into its paradoxical depths with a shrill scream.

Trixie burst into the basement just in time to watch the portal close, Twilight dragged away to gods knew where.

Twilight kept screaming until she found herself rolling down a hill and came to a stop near what she recognized right away as Fluttershy’s cottage. “Okay. Familiar territory. Might as well have some tea with Fluttershy.” Whistling a tune, she walked toward the cottage, pulling her parasol from her hip tattoo and opening it to shade herself from the sun. Reaching the door to the cottage, she knocked several times.

A giggly, almost airheaded voice called out, “Coming~!” as the door opened, a strange, but familiar, creature opening the door while being brutally fucked from behind. Twilight immediately noticed the resemblance to Fluttershy, the red collar, the strange panels covering her wings, and the nearly vacant, glazed over expression that only came with extensive mental reformatting. Both antlered male and subjugated female gaped in shock, staring at the strange female creature that was wearing clothing in the presence of a male.

Twilight’s first reaction was to process all this new information quickly, then glare at the antlered creature that was still inside this… Fluttershy analogue. “What the fuck are you doing to my friend?” she asked in an icy tone, her grip on her parasol tightening ever so slightly. She was clearly in a different world, but this one was clearly in need of her special brand of help.

The male, currently the only one of the pair capable of coherent speech, shook his head and glared at Twilight, “I know not what manner of creature you are, slut, but your clothedness offends my eyes! And where is your collar?! Strip down and prostrate yourself before me now, and I might not let you go to being a purple collar, you whore!”

Twilight filed away all the information to be gleaned from his words. But only two really mattered at this point in time. Slut, and whore. Both words had been directed at her. “You know… I was considering being slightly merciful. But now…” Her foot lashed up and struck him hard in the face, knocking him out of Fluttershy-lite and onto his ass. She pounced and stomped hard on his junk. “Now… I don’t feel like it. But there’s good news. There’s no need to wonder where your goddess is. ‘Cause she’s right here. And she’s pissed off…”

The male wheezed and screamed in pain, still somehow finding the will to glare up at Twilight and spit at her, “General Tullius will see you in a purple collar for this, you worthless fucktoy!”

The Fluttershy analogue rushed over to the male and tried to placate Twilight, “P-please d-don’t kill him! I-I… he hasn’t cum inside me yet!”

Twilight’s glare intensified as she looked at the male without blinking. “Do elaborate, why don’t you. Because it seems to me like she’s in her species’ most fertile state, and she wants you to fill her. Was that the plan?” Her wires slowly emerged from her gloves as she spoke, her voice deathly low and serious.

“She’s a broodmare! Her entire purpose in life is to service the caribou and produce more soldiers and rapebeasts!” the caribou male dug himself further into his own grave, going past rock bottom and mining into the metaphorical bedrock of his death.

“And your race has conquered Equestria?” Twilight asked. She just needed confirmation of her hypothesis before continuing, forcing herself to keep her wires floating about her passively for a few moments more.

The caribou grinned, “Conquered this country like King Dainn conquered that sun bitch’s giant slutty ass! Just like how I’ll do to yours once my backup arrives!”

Twilight giggled, slowly progressing to full blown psychotic laughter. “They’ll arrive to find you butchered like cattle! Right before meeting the same fate!” Her wires finally lashed out and tore him apart, splashing his blood all over the cottage interior. She got down on her hands and knees and started licking up the blood, her eyes turning red as she enjoyed the new flavor.

The Fluttershy analogue sank to her knees in horror, blood splattering her naked form. “I-I…” she stuttered, not sure of how to process the grisly scene.

Twilight turned her gaze to the scared girl and started crawling toward her, her tongue hanging out of her mouth as her fangs were exposed to sight. Getting close, she leaned in and licked up some of the blood on the girl’s cheek. “No need to be scared. You’ll be free again once I’m done.”

Fluttershy-lite fainted, falling to the ground just as a whole troop of caribou soldiers arrived, a caravan of cages following them.

Twilight waited for them to enter, taking the time to lick up more blood from the floor before picking up the dead caribou’s head and licking at the blood dripping from it.

The soldiers stared in shock at the scene before whipping out their swords and getting into defensive positions, “Halt! You are under arrest for the murder of a loyal caribou soldier, wearing clothing, and not wearing your collar! You will hereby be sent to the correctional facilities to be repurposed as a purple collar!”

Twilight giggled as she looked at the lead soldier. “You know, mention was made of purple collars several times. And dear Fluttershy-lite has a red collar. Do tell me what the colors mean in these collars, won’t you?” She got to her feet as she dropped the head she was holding. “Actually… I think I’d rather take the knowledge straight from your blood.” She twirled her parasol and posed as her wires floated around her, the light glinting off them. “You want me? Come and get me, boys,” she purred as she winked at them, her red eyes and sinister smirk making the gesture far less sexy than it should have been.

The soldiers gulped, but ran forwards anyway, three of them bursting through the doorway with swords raised high.

Twilight smirked and weaved in between the three of them. “So reckless and sloppy,” she muttered as he wires glinted and blood spurted from the soldiers, their bodies falling to the floor in just as many pieces as the first victim. She grinned at the rest of them. “There’s nothing you can do to stop me. And no one will stand in the way of my slaughter.” Pulling a small case from her pocket, she opened it and put one of the cigars inside in her mouth, conjuring a small fireball to light it. “Who’s next?” she asked as she took a puff and exhaled the smoke.

The remaining soldiers outside growled in rage and slashed open the locks on the cages, five massive beasts springing forth at Twilight with the intent of raping her either to death or submission. Drool dripped from their gaping maws as they sprinted, their unsightly erections bobbing with each lunge.

Twilight giggled and lashed out with her wires, slicing four of their dicks in such a way that she might as well have been peeling bananas while jumping onto the back of the fifth, her wires digging into its flesh and starting to burrow into the muscle groups.

The beast brayed and bucked, desperately trying to shake Twilight off even as it ended up stampeding over the soldiers in its path, crushing them like grapes.

Twilight finally got control of it as one soldier remained. She gave him a sadistic grin. “Let’s see how you like being raped!” With a gesture, she sent the beast charging forward and giggled as it pinned the soldier down and started raping his ass. She sighed in pleasure as she listened to him scream. “How does it feel getting violated yourself?! How does it feel, you son of a bitch?!”

The caribou could only scream in agony as the massive penis tore his rectal cavity open, all but shredding his insides from the intensity of the rape. With a final thrust, the beast unloaded its semen into the soldier, quickly overflowing the caribou’s intestines and, despite his mouth being wide open, popped the soldier’s abdomen open like an overfilled balloon.

Twilight giggled and patted her mount. “Good boy. Such a good boy,” she cooed before slicing the beast apart and looking around. Spotting a still living soldier, she slowly walked toward him. “So you’re still alive, huh?”

“Fuck you, slut! King Dainn will rape you to death once he hears of this!” the soldier spat, pinning his broken arm to his side and scooting away from Twilight.

Twilight easily caught up and straddled his abdomen, her hands cupping his face. “Such a mouth on you… I’ll give you points of being defiant though. Now then… Let’s get down to the business at hand. Don’t bother talking. Your blood will explain everything.” Opening wide, she bit into his throat, tasting his blood and feeling the memories start to flow.

Images of city to city conquest, rape, corruption, and absolutely incredible misogyny flowed through Twilight’s mind like a never ending river of sheer, disgusting shit. When the flow finally, thankfully stopped, Twilight nearly vomited out all the blood she had consumed, so disgusted was she by its previous carrier that she might as well have drank a liter of raw sewage.

Spitting in disgust, Twilight stood up and used a small application of sangromancy to remove the blood that stained her, placing a barrier to keep herself from being further sullied by caribou blood. Just this once, she temporarily swore off of blood. “They’ll pay for this…” Her rage bubbled as she began walking toward Ponyville to find her analogue and the analogues of the rest of her friends. “They will pay…” Her wires lashed out and cut down several trees as she started into a jog. “They’re going to pay… THEY’LL PAY!!!” She put on a burst of speed she’d only ever seen from Alucard, using magic to enhance her body’s physical abilities.

Along the way to Ponyville, Twilight halted in her tracks at the sound of pleasured grunts and feminine sobbing off to her left. There, in the bushes, lay a group of guards, five of them laying into a sobbing white collar mare while another twelve stood by, idly stroking their erections and leering at the mare’s massive breasts.

Just before Twilight could slice apart every single male there, the five caribou raping the mare stopped, identical looks of horror on all of their faces as their frames rapidly deflated into complete emaciation. The mare’s sobbing had stopped, now sounding more like chuckling as she burst into a massive splatter of reddish ooze.

The emaciated soldiers collapsed into a twitching pile, horrifyingly fleshy tentacles bursting from their bodies and shredding them into tiny strips of flesh and fur, the tiny chunks landing with uncanny accuracy upon the rest of the soldiers and exploding once again into biology defying tendrils, burrowing into the skulls of each soldier and impaling them from the inside out. The corpses still intact were lifted from the ground as the tendrils burst from their backs and anchored to the dirt. High up in the air, the corpses were smashed together into a rain of blood and guts as the tentacles receded back into the ground.

The combined gore dissolved into translucent, orange goo, flowing to a single spot and erupting into a gelatinous parody of a flower, a skeleton popping from its center and slowly generating into a full human with digitigrade legs, pointed ears, and a long, reptilian tail tipped with ten, scythe-like blades in an approximate leaf shape.

Twilight found herself giving this creature a round of applause. “I don’t know what you are, but those soldiers deserved far more pain than that. Who are you? What are you?” She grinned at her potential ally.

The lizard-ish man bowed and smirked, a prison uniform melting into existence as he stepped forth. “My name is Drake Long; I am what’s known as a S’xeituu by some, and a horrifying blob of reptilian goo by others. Nice to see another Twilight that can kick total ass by the way. I watched you turn the tables on that one soldier with that fuckbeast thing. It was fuckin’ sweet!”

Twilight couldn’t help but preen at the praise. “And just how many Twilight Sparkles have you met, Drake?” She giggled and grinned wider, showing off her mouthful of sharp teeth.

“Uh… well, just one. But she’s a head researcher for the most dangerous things on the planet, so that also takes serious metaphorical balls,” Drake explained, his hand splitting into a mass of tendrils and reforming to take the exact form of his Twilight’s head, complete with glasses and ever present pencil behind the ear.

“I’m clearly sexier than her,” Twilight said. “Anyways. It seems we have a common enemy, my friend. So… What say we take down the caribou together?” She offered her hand to him for a handshake. “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

Drake took her hand eagerly, “Well, hell. I’m always happy to meet a new friend! And it’s always so difficult to find someone who appreciates the art of body horror like me and my girlfriend.”

“You have a girlfriend?” Twilight asked. “You simply must introduce me when this all over. You, her, me, and Alucard can even go on a double date!”

Drake chuckled, “Well, might be a little difficult considering that I don’t really know what Universe you guys are from… and also the fact that I’m from a different Universe from this one too… obviously.”

Twilight glomped Drake with a giggle. “I’m bringing you and your girlfriend home with me! Alucard will absolutely love you!”

“Ah… eheh…” Drake chuckled awkwardly as he supported Twilight’s weight, “Foundation wouldn’t like that… I got obligations to protect my planet and all, y’know?” He set her down and turned toward Ponyville, “Hey, you ever ridden a giant zombie dragon thing before?”

Twilight grinned and hopped onto his back. “My dracolich is still too tiny to ride! Let’s go, Drake! Onward to bloody victory over the caribou!”

“I LIKE THIS ONE!” Drake exclaimed, his voice altering into a discordant shriek as he grew and grew and grew, finally becoming a twisted parody of a living creature, a bone dragon with rotted looking muscles and tatters of skin hanging loose in the breeze. With an almighty push, he took off, performing aerial acrobatics that seemed entirely impossible for something of his shape, size, and apparent state of decomposure.

Twilight’s excited voice carried over the air as she made her love of the ride known. “Alright! We need to go to Canterlot! The Crystal Heart is being kept there! Once we get to it, I’ll puke a bunch of blood on it and use the blood as a conduit to reprogram the Heart! Then I’ll send out a pulse that drives all of Equestria to fight against the caribou!”

Drake paused in midair, “Okay, that sounds like a really radical plan and all… but seriously? Puking blood on it?” The corpse dragon slowly filled out and changed shape, turning from undead monstrosity to oversized winged snake.

“I’m a sangromancer. Part of my thing,” Twilight explained. “Plus I’m kinda on my way to becoming a vampire.”

“Ooooohhhhhhhh…. okay, that makes sense now,” Drake murmured, a pseudo-body forming out of a twisting, shifting mass of tendrils and bone, sticking out of his back just in front of Twilight’s seat. “So, Canterlot is about… thirty seconds from here at top speed at this size…. hold on tight.” A filmy bubble of some strange, biological material grew into existence over Twilight like the canopy of a fighter jet’s cockpit, Drake’s back even sinking into itself and providing her with an actual chair.

“Ooh… Comfy,” Twilight complimented as she leaned back, taking a deep breath. “Soon I’ll experience that scent Alucard talked about.” She chuckled. “The aroma of men being impaled. Of women being cut down where they stand. Of babies burning to a crisp. Of the old being lined up and shot. The bouquet of death, the smell of war.”

Drake’s voice rang out of a hole in the wall, “Well, I don’t think there’ll be so much of the women and babies thing, but yes, we’re definitely impaling a lot of men today. Actually… hey, I’m going to do something really weird. So don’t freak out, okay?”

“My boyfriend is an undead vampire king that I fuck every day, and I drink blood. You think something’s gonna weird me out?” Twilight asked with an arched eyebrow.

“Point taken.” With that, the interior of the divot in Drake’s back began shifting around, frames of bone jutting out as bioluminescent cells and chromatophores burst into existence all around. Drake’s spinal cord jutted out in front of Twilight and extended twin prongs out and upwards, a small rectangle of luminescent cells forming above it and resolving into Drake’s face. “Tada~!” he exclaimed, the now cockpit-looking area flashing in vibrant blues and greens.

Twilight whistled, impressed. “So what did you just do, exactly?” she asked as she looked around the reconfigured cockpit.

“Grab the handles poking out of my spine, if you would. You can now pilot the majority of my now semi-stingray shaped body like, well, like driving a carriage or something similar. Also, glowing bubbles are buttons. Press those for fun things to happen. And by fun I mean for us, not for the caribou.”

Twilight looked over all the options and then caught sight of where the Crystal Heart was kept. Grinning madly, she directed Drake to gain altitude before aiming him straight down. “DIVE BOMB!!!” she yelled as she had him fly toward the palace at top speed, aiming to land where they would be near the Crystal Heart, but not damage it.

Drake’s on-screen face grinned madly, “DIVE! DIVE!” a blue bubble automatically depressed itself, a shell of rigid, incredibly dense bone forming over the surface of the kite shaped blob of physics defying flesh as it blasted downwards at over mach 6. A massive ring of roaring crimson ejected from the back of the ship, like a monochromatic rendition of a Sonic Rainboom. Just after two seconds later, Drake slammed into Canterlot castle, tearing through it in a massive shockwave of destruction, buttons depressing automatically and launching organic rockets, sonic pulses, laser beams, plasma bursts, organic napalm, and more everywhere a caribou could be found.

“Save some for me, bastard!” Twilight yelled as she jumped out of the cockpit once they stopped and sliced apart several surviving caribou as she strode toward the Crystal Heart, around which were caged Princesses Celestia and Luna. “Bet you two are happy to see me.”

Celestia and Luna only stared forward with blank, uncomprehending eyes, their minds too thoroughly broken by the caribou to even think straight.

Twilight scowled as she remembered they’d been broken into purple collars. “It’s personal.” Clenching her hands a bit as she gurgled, she soon vomited a stream of blood onto the Crystal Heart, turning it blood red in color as she infused her magic with it. The heart glowed brighter and sent out a pulse that carried her voice all across Equestria. “Fight! Fight for your freedom! You are prouder than this! You are not slaves! You are free thinking ponies with your own way of life! Throw off the oppression of the caribou! They have committed crimes against you that can only be paid for in blood! Fight, my little ponies! FIGHT!!!”

Drake clapped appreciatively as his enhanced hearing picked up the sound of rebellion reaching far and wide throughout all of Equestria, seeing Celestia and Luna stand freely for the first time in at least a year. “Well, pretty speech and all, Twilight, but there’s something missing….” Drake tapped his chin in thought, “Now what could that be…? Ah yes.” He sliced open both Celestia’s and Luna’s cages and chucked a wad of his own biomass at them. “What we’re missing… is a bit of Deus ex Machina.”

Celestia and Luna convulsed once, twice, as their horns and wings grew back, ripping off their bindings in a glorious blaze of power. Drake smirked and held up his arms, splitting himself into millions, almost billions of hair thing tendrils that spread throughout the castle and turned caribou alive and dead into raw biomass to heal the injured and the disfigured.

Twilight grinned and left him to his work, heading for the throne room. “Oh King Dainn!” she called sweetly as she sliced the doors to the throne room and walked in. “You’re in Celestia’s chair.”

The king of the caribou snorted contemptuously and stood, reaching for the sword at his side and leveling a stern glare at Twilight. “Hmph, so a fool comes to challenge the throne. A harlot at that. Don’t make me laugh, fucktoy. Your kind is better left in the service of stallions and beasts, so scurry on back to your master, sl...”

Twilight’s wires lashed out and burrowed into his dick, shredding it like a blender from the inside out before numerous others burrowed into his muscles and took control of his body. Twilight glared at him as she forced him to walk toward her. “Even if I were about to die… I wouldn’t drink a single godsdamn drop of your evil blood! I don’t want you inside of me!”

Dainn grimaced in pain and fought down a shriek as the wires sliced against the stump of his once proud girth. “Y-you’ll not get away with this you whore! My army shall reconquer Equestria and destroy you and your strange companion! You hear me! You shall not live to see tomorrow!”

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!” Twilight roared in a demonic sounding voice as her wires sewed his lips together after shredding his tongue. Taking him onto the balcony that Celestia made announcements from, she opened a scrying spell that showed her and Dainn to all of Equestria. “Caribou! Behold your king! I have bested him before he could even lift a finger, and now I end your occupation of this land!!!” Her wires proceeded to decapitate Dainn and ram his head onto a pole. “Soldiers of Equestria. This crime against you is unforgivable. Run the caribou down! Do not let up until they’re back behind their own borders! Leave nothing but bloody stains in your wake and purge their evil! Then rebuild them. Show them the way of Harmony!” With that, she shut down the scrying spell and tossed the dead monarch’s body into the street.

Drake clapped and stared down at the slaughter of the caribou, “Ahh, look at this… it’s so… beautiful, the way that we set things right with nothing more than a few pretty words and a lot of shed blood. Heh, look at me, I claim to be a nice guy and then start revelling in blood and gore as soon as I turn around. But I digress… wanna join the slaughter?”

Twilight’s grin could scare even the surliest of demons. “Don’t even need to ask.”

Twilight relaxed next to Drake atop a mountain of caribou corpses, idly puffing a cigar and watching the curling smoke. “Ah… That was so fucking cathartic, wasn’t it, Drake?”

Drake stretched out lethargically, nodding in agreement as he yawned, “Couldn’t agree more, Twilight. So, now what?”

Twilight felt herself being slowly pulled through a portal. “Looks like it’s time for me to go home. Hope we meet again. It was fun.”

Drake waved as he sank into the mountain of corpses, thousands of tendrils stretching out to assimilate the biomass, “Later Twilight! It was fun!”

Twilight found herself on the floor of her lab, all her friends standing over her. “Hey guys,” she greeted as she sat up, still puffing her cigar. “Miss me?”

Alucard immediately picked up Twilight by the shoulders and shook her back and forth, screaming, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF HOW LONG I LOOKED FOR YOU!? WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO JUST GO GALLIVANTING OFF ACROSS THE MULTIVERSE LIKE THAT!? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DANGER YOU COULD HAVE BEEN IN!?”

Twilight set her cigar in an ashtray and slit her palm with a scalpel, letting some blood collect before shoving it between Alucard’s lips to give him her recent memories. “I was perfectly fine, but it’s so sweet of you to worry, my precious count.”

Immediately, Alucard’s eyes rolled up into the back of his head as he released a long, shuddering groan, “Sweet Black fucking Sabbath, master… I just came… twice.”

Twilight giggled and hugged him against her body. “I’m all hot and bothered,” she purred into his ear. “I need you. I order you to lock us in my bedroom and fuck my brains out harder than you ever have before. I want to be screaming your name all day and night, my love.” She squealed as Alucard picked her up bridal style and spirited her upstairs. Soon enough, she was indeed screaming his name in unimaginable pleasure. Screams which echoed well throughout Ponyville.

Trixie groaned, “Honestly, if not for the wonders of rune magic allowing me to soundproof my room, Trixie might be an insomniac by this point.” She dragged her hand down her face and sighed, jogging back up the stairs and going back to work.

Anderson looked at Pinkie and Schrodinger. “Is it always like this?”

“Ja. Pretty much,” Schrodinger said with a shrug, unwittingly exposing the swastika on his left arm to Anderson for the first time.

“Nazi!” Anderson yelled, pulling several bayonets and skewering the screaming catboy.

“Vhat zhe hell?!” Schrodinger and Anderson’s argument could not be heard over the orgasmic screams of the library’s returned head as the rest of their friends shook their heads and went home, leaving Pinkie to try to make peace between the two men.

Author's Note

That caribou massacre section? Justin and I enjoyed it far more than we should have.