I Have Vacation Days?!

“The fuck do you mean, ‘you don’t carry that brand of cigarettes here’!?” Twilight screeched indignantly at the rather unamused griffon vendor on the other side of the counter. “They’re the most popular fucking brand on the market!”

“The Equestrian market,” the vendor replied shortly, already turning away to go through his porn and robots magazine. “Here in Griffonstone, they’re about as liked as dog shit on a carpet. Try something else, tourist.”

“.....” Twilight’s eye twitched. “I’ll ask you one more time, and I want you to be very clear on this: Get me my cigarettes or I will burn this convenience store and every building for three miles around to ash.” As she spoke, she reached out and pulled the suddenly pale griffon man to her face and stared into his eyes with all the rage she could muster- which, obviously, was quite a whole lot.

“And this is why you should always threaten to burn down a three mile radius of city when threatening convenience store workers,” Twilight finished airily as she lit another cheap cigarette and took a disgusted drag. “Still hate these cheap pieces of shit, though. I really, really want my cigars back…”

“Twilight, perhaps you should enroll in some anger management, fraulein,” Schrodinger raised an eyebrow as he gently spun his glass of scotch in his hand, “I zhink zhis exile is affecting you for zhe worse.”

“..... Shut up before I burn this bar to the ground and consume every soul inside it, Schrodinger,” Twilight shot back, draining her fifteenth shot glass of cheap gin and grimacing. “Eugh… can’t wait to go back home and go back to the good stuff…”

“Mein point exactly, Twilight,” Schrodinger said, Twilight’s reaction proving his point. “So aside from threatening helpless shopkeepers, vhat have you been getting up to zhese past months? Did you know zhat you have a new daughter in law now?”

“I have a what!?” Twilight sprung to her feet and knocked her chair over, spilling her remaining fifteen glasses of shit gin and almost flipping the table onto its side, “What the hell happened!? Did Integra get into the growth potions and turn into a raging lesbian!?”

Schrodinger’s ears twitched in perplexion at that oddly specific scenario. “No. Spike und Selten vere summoned by zhe Dragonlord to compete for zhe mantle und Spike accidentally made zhe dragoness he gave it to fall in love vith him. Ember’s first decree according to Facet und Rarity vas zhat Selten has to share him vith her. Also, your grandchildren hatched.” He grinned wide. “Congratulations, fraulein! You have four grandsons und three granddaughters!”

“I have grandkids too!?” Twilight screamed, drawing the attention of nearabouts every patron of the cheap, shitty, ghetto dive bar she had crashed, “I need to see them! Now!” With a flash, she teleported away as far as she could and began chaining teleport hops until she slammed face first into the barrier keeping her outside of the Equestrian border.

“......”

Twitch.

“FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

Schrodinger waited patiently for Twilight to finish her atomic F-bomb, which took a surprisingly long time. Before he could speak though, she had sucked in a breath and let loose an even more powerful, infinitely more primal, scream of pure, undiluted, unholy, wrathful rage. “I feel zhat.”

In the Crystal Empire’s throne room, Shining Armor and Cadance were having a rather awkward dinner with Super Kami Guru and Popo, with Hammer standing off to the side as a guard.

“So I said…” Guru was cut off by a scream reaching them. “Nail! What is that noise?!”

“... I believe that was the purple one screaming, sir,” Hammer replied with the same dour expression on his face as always. “Don’t know why she’s annoying us all, though.”

In another dimension, a certain bacon haired girl looked up from her plotting of her latest scheme for power as a scream reached her ears. “Why does that scream fill me with dread?”

A thousand years in the past, Celestia had just imprisoned her corrupted sister in the moon, and sat on her knees weeping at what she’d had to do, a scream of fury from a woman she’d never met reaching her ears.

“... Why exactly does that scream sound like it should be important…?”

In the far distant past, even beyond the time of Nightmare Moon, but after the reign of Discord, a woman smirked and bared her fangs as she stared up at the full moon, the silver rays making her violet hair gleam. “Sounds like that time again… What was it this time, I wonder?”

In the modern age, in Canterlot, Celestia was having a dinner party with Twilight’s family and friends when the scream reached them. “It’s that scream again.”

Integra looked up in curiosity. “Mommy?”

Celestia shook her head, “Somehow my former student can make a scream echo across the entire space time continuum out of nothing but sheer rage… I suppose I should have Schrodinger send her some pictures soon, once she calms down.”

“Yeah! Because wowie zowie is Twilight mad!” Pinkie chipped in, clutching her daughters closer.

Ojutai was curious about the scream, while it was riling Kolaghan up and sending her flitting about the room screeching.

Smaug and Ancalagon, however, were taking the screaming in stri- actually they were just setting the floor on fire and using the sound of the flames to block out the screaming as best as they could.

Atarka, Dromoka, and Silumgar had opted for setting fire to the tapestries to make more fiery white noise.

“.... I think perhaps we should have done this outside… or perhaps somewhere where the floor isn’t flammable,” Celestia muttered as she idly waved her hand and snuffed out the flames while repairing the floor and tapestries. “Maybe a nice field. We could have had a picnic.”

“Still the chance of a forest fire,” Facet pointed out as he eyed the whelps with some concern. “Why is it that only Ojutai didn’t start setting things on fire or flying about in a panic?” He looked up at Selten expectantly.

Selten shrugged and laid down near Ojutai, “Perhaps he takes more after me than his father in that regard. I was never exactly the most excitable.”

Ojutai looked up at his mother and nuzzled against her with an affectionate crooning.

“So… if that was Twilight….” Rarity spoke up, tapping one manicured nail against her chin, “that begs the question… what if we wanted to go visit her? I mean, it’s not like we’re stuck here.”

“That is a possibility,” Blueblood admitted. “Though we all have responsibilities of our own. Schrodinger’s the only one that can freely go to and from where Twilight is whenever he wants.” He gently wrapped an arm around Rarity and rested his hand against her stomach.

“Yeah! You know that we’d all be with Twilight all the time if we could!” Pinkie sprung up from her spot, fist pumped and crumbs of food dusting around her mouth, “The only reason we aren’t is because… well… uh…. Jobs. And well, we have families too.” Pinkie shrugged and sat back down, a very put out expression upon her face.

Kolaghan attempted to cheer Pinkie up by landing on her head, crooning as she looked at her face from her perch, head tilted in curiosity.

“Our kids are empaths, Selten,” Spike said as he smiled at his daughter.

“And adorable!” Pinkie squealed, pulling Kolaghan off of her head and cuddling the little dragon to her chest. “There’s something just so adorable about baby dragons!”

Kolaghan crooned more as she let Pinkie cuddle her, nuzzling her as her tail wriggled.

Ojutai approached Rarity with a tilt to his head as he sniffed at her, looking at Blueblood with a small hiss. Like father, like son it seemed.

Blueblood raised an eyebrow and flicked Ojutai’s nose. “Please, Spike,” he muttered in amusement, “teach your kids that they shouldn’t shoot out of their league.”

Ojutai yelped as he pulled his head back, hissing at Blueblood again before crawling into Rarity’s lap and curling up, crooning up at her affectionately.

Spike couldn’t help chuckling. “Like father, like son. He inherited my good taste in women, and he’s still so young. He’s going to break hearts when he’s older, don’t you think, Selten?”

Selten snorted and rolled her eyes, “He will most likely have to break limbs more often than hearts, beloved.”

“Getting back on topic,” Facet said. “Since we have access to advanced aircraft able to move about undetected, we can likely work out a schedule of rotation for visiting Twilight during her exile.”

“Ooh! Ooh! I wanna see her first!” Pinkie sprung up from behind Facet, bearing a large cake in her hands, “I wanna give her a cake!”

Facet only blinked as he teleported away from Pinkie enough to regain his personal space. “Any opposed to my sister in law going first?”

“What about her family?” Fluttershy spoke up, arms crossed, with Integra held firmly in her lap and inadvertently trapping the poor child’s head between her breasts.

“She raises a fair point, Pinkie,” Facet agreed as Integra struggled to free herself from her stepmother’s massive chest. “It’s only fair that Twilight be visited by her family and introduced to the new additions.”

Alucard smirked and twirled Jackal around his finger, then replaced it in his jacket, “And I think that the two of us have the perfect surprise for her.”

Fluttershy giggled. “Indeed we do, my sweet.” She smiled up at Alucard as she hugged Integra and Angelus.

“Okay, level with me here,” Twilight sighed as she pinched her brow in abject frustration. “Why the fuck did you ask me to meet you in this stupid fucking cave in the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING FROZEN NORTH!?” As she screamed, she gesticulated wildly at the open mouth of the cave, specifically the blizzard outside of it, then nearly throttled the cloaked woman in front of her.

“Whoa whoa, hold on there!” the woman spoke quickly, hands up to ward off the incoming violence as she cast a ball of light towards the end of the cave, “There’s something down this cave that I thought you’d like to see.”

Twilight leveled a skeptical glare at the woman before turning to face down the cave, her fists and forearms lighting up in demonic, flaming claws as she slowly walked deeper into the cave, ready to kill anything hostile that might be waiting in this very suspicious setting.

“You see,” the woman began, already touching the walls of the caves and causing them to light up in hundreds of elementary runes, “When I saw the mark at the end of the cave and heard of an aetherial with a suspiciously similar mark on her clothes, I was intrigued. So… Twilight Sparkle… just what exactly is your connection…” The runes lit up to the back of the cave, a large, open area bearing a stone pedestal with a very familiar mark upon it. “.... to the ancient vampire queen known only as ‘The Dragon’?”

Twilight stared at the pedestal, eyes wide at the sight of a cutie mark- her cutie mark- emblazoned across its surface, the only difference being the twin dragons weaving around each outer star, then spiraling outwards to consume the center star. “.... What… the fuck,” came the ever so elaborate response as Twilight ever so slightly, gently touched the runic markings that obviously represented the more practical version of the Dragon’s symbol- a six point star with the rune for dragon in the center.

“Wait!” the woman cried, only to be blinded as a flash of light lit up the entire chamber and the pedestal opened, revealing….

“.... cigars. The Dragon left a fucking case of cigars in the Frozen North,” Twilight muttered, both awestruck and highly confounded. “.... I don’t even remember if there were cigar manufacturers back when she was undead…”

“They look high quality too…” the strange woman muttered, briefly brushing aside a shock of blue hair as she nearly revealed her face, showing just a hint of pale skin and an aristocratic nose. “.... Dragovian…? The company records indicate only coming into being a year after the Dragon disappeared… maybe the history books were wrong…?”

“RIght now, I cannot spare even half a fuck about that,” Twilight said as she snatched up a cigar and lit it, taking a deep puff and sighing in practically orgasmic bliss as she exhaled the smoke. “Oh my favorite blend. I missed it so much.” She took another puff and savored the flavor.

“.... We just discovered a case of thousands of years old cigars and your first instinct is to waste one on ending your withdrawal. Truly, you are the epitome of an archaeologist,” the woman deadpanned as she carefully placed most of the cigars into a carrying case, then activated the rune matrix inside to teleport it to the nearest research lab. “Couldn’t you have at least waited to see if they were safe?”

“Fuck you, I’m smoking,” came the elegant reply.

The woman sighed and removed her hood, pushing down her scarf and revealing a very thin, aristocratic face, with a shock of electric blue hair over one eye and brilliant crimson eyes. Her lips were curled into a faint frown, dusted with a coat of violet lipstick. “I can see that, Twilight Sparkle. I suppose I should introduce myself. I am Remi Arel, named after the Dragon’s handmaiden of old. I’m an archaeologist, really, though for some reason I only ever seem to find things related to the Dragon.”

“That’s called obsession, Remi,” Twilight muttered as she looked around while still enjoying her cigar. “I’ll be getting those cigars back, by the way. Just so you know. By the way, how do you know of me?”

Remi deadpanned and held up a news article, dated nearly six years prior, with Twilight’s younger, mortified face plastered upon it in full color, with a headline reading, ‘Celestia’s Prized Student Explodes Castle Wing’.

“The whole world knows who you are, at least in part,” Remi added, tucking the article away inside her heavy cloak.

“... Touché…” Twilight muttered as she tucked the remaining cigars into her jacket.

“No… no…. No… hell no…. No… no… no NO NO!” Twilight groaned in sheer frustration as she slammed another book back onto its shelf, just barely gently enough to avoid permanently damaging the ancient tome. “For all that we’re in the biggest non-Equestrian archive of ancient literature ever, there sure as shit isn’t anything useful!”

Remi rolled her eyes and held a finger to her mouth, “Shhh, just because you can demolish anything that tries to interrupt us, doesn’t mean I want you to burn down the damn archive. Now keep looking, I know there’s a reference to another of the Dragon’s caches somewhere in these shelves.”

Twilight snarled in annoyance, her eyes glowing brighter as she slammed her fist against an empty wall, which triggered and broke an activation panel that caused red runes to light up along the walls, converging on one spot in the floor that opened up and allowed a pedestal to rise up. Twilight stared and then smirked. “Look at that. Breaking shit works.”

“.... And works against us too,” Remi snarked, just as the alarms came to life and flooded the room with red light, while the sound of distant boots began clamoring towards the archive. “So unless you’d rather be wanted across the fucking planet for mass murder, we’ve got about… a minute and a half to grab everything in this pedestal and get the hell out of dodge.”

Twilight licked her lips at the thought of a huge meal of blood and souls. “If they don’t know it was me… Then no problem.” Her wires flashed through the air around her as she collected the materials from the pedestal, her form starting to shift somewhat in a manner very similar to her husband as she flashed a smile that showed all her fangs.

“Or, we could be good scientists instead of mass murdering psychopaths… or would you rather have wasted your PhD?” Remi quirked a brow as she stuffed scrolls and tomes into her bag of holding without breaking her stride. “And honestly, you’re being far less of a respectable doctor than I’d have imagined, what with you idiotically breaking a fucking wall- a load bearing one, no less- and destroying several priceless tomes, some of which might have been full of darker magics, by the way.” She huffed disdainfully, and headed for the open window through which the pair had entered through. “Food for thought, doctor.”

Twilight considered those words and shrugged them off before collecting the destroyed priceless tomes, storing them in a pocket dimension so that she could have Flim and Flam restore them at a later date. That done, she followed Remi out the window, lamenting not taking the time to have a meal of the guards.

Miles away, after having used a pre-made teleport beacon, Remi sat down on one of the chairs formed of rock in hers and Twilight’s impromptu campsite and sighed, “Now, what the hell did we grab off of that pedestal? I was a little distracted by the idiotic alarms that you set off.”

“Let’s have a look,” Twilight said as she lit a cigar and took a puff. “Looks like a bunch of tomes that were penned by The Dragon. Hm… That’s weird.”

“What’s weird?” Remi asked, leaning forward curiously. “Can’t decipher it? Totally inane? Mindshatteringly complex?”

“No,” Twilight said. “This is my handwriting.” To demonstrate, she wrote a passage from one of the tomes and levitated the two for Remi to compare. “See? Identical.”

“Interesting, but considering the infinite possibilities present in the Universes at large, two people having the same handwriting isn’t exactly that relevant,” Remi shrugged, then read over the tome itself. “Fascinating… I didn’t even think it was possible for some of these necromantic rituals to even work, let alone work on the scale the Dragon describes… I wonder how much of it is exaggeration and how much of it is actual spellwork?”

Twilight looked over the tome herself, carefully scrutinizing the details of the rituals. “Oh they’re actual spellwork. I should know. These are rituals that I pioneered and designed. What the fuck is going on here?!”

“Seems like either weird shenanigans…. Or maybe you’re just not as smart as you thought,” Remi snarked, shedding her navy blue sneaking outfit for a looser, more comfortable, and brighter colored mage robe. “Probably weird shenanigans, considering who you are.”

“I don’t care how hot you are,” Twilight growled. “I will bite your throat out if you question my genius again.” She puffed her cigar in silence as she kept perusing the tome.

Remi rolled her eyes and muttered something particularly unflattering as she slumped into her personal tent and shut the flap behind her.

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!” Twilight’s excited yell echoed through her and Remi’s camp in the early sunrise.

Remi poked her head out of her tent and glared at Twilight, “It’s six in the fucking morning can you please have a nerdgasm later?”

“Fuck you! I found out a way to end my exile early from my perspective!” Twilight shot back. “The Dragon extensively researched time travel!” She turned the tome and showed it to Remi. “I can use this to travel forward in time to the day after my exile’s end and get home, clean house in Canterlot, then go hug my precious daughter and shower her with motherly affection!”

“Okay, and?” Remi asked, eyebrow raised and voice at a perfect deadpan. “If that’s the case, why haven’t you started it already?”

Twilight was silent for several seconds before she started drawing a complex ritual circle after clearing away all the snow, tearing some strips from Remi’s tent to use as spell components. “I’m going home! I’m going home! I’m going home~”

“O-oi! What the fuck are you doing to my tent you crazed idiot!?” Remi stuttered indignantly, frantically casting repair spells and rune spells to keep both tent and tent enchantments intact. “That’s my tent! If you need enchanted fabric that bad why don’t you just use your own gods damned tent!?”

Twilight ignored her protests as she prepared her spell and soon finished the array, standing in the center and beginning to focus her power, preparing to send herself forward in time. Just a few more seconds. Until…

“My lady! My queen!” A high pitched voice called as a foot tall creature clad in a ragged outfit teleported in front of Twilight excitedly.

“What the fu-!?” Twilight screamed, losing control of the spell in a massive, rune powered explosion that sent a column of greenish, kaleidoscopic light hundreds of miles into the atmosphere.

“Holy shit!” Remi cried out, ducking back into her tent to shield herself from the explosion.

“Yay! I found you, my lady!” the dwarf cheered from his spot at Twilight’s feet as the glow cleared and revealed their surroundings. Which were decidedly not modern. “What can this humble servant do for you, my lady?”

“.... Oh fuck a duck, this…. Oh FUCK!” Twilight groaned and sank to her knees, taking in the surroundings and feeling the despair in her heart grow. “I didn’t send myself forward… YOU FUCKING MADE ME SEND MYSELF BACK IN TIME YOU FUCKING IDIOT!”

The dwarf had the decency to look penitent. “I beg your forgiveness, Majesty. But I was merely following instructions that you gave to me.”

“.... What.” Twilight blinked curiously, “Wait, who is this ‘majesty’ you think I am, and what orders? I’ve never even met you before.”

The dwarf pulled out a medallion that fit into his palm. “Your emblem.” He tossed the medallion at Twilight, knowing she would catch it. “The Dragon returns.”

Twilight stared down at the emblem, then twitched, “.... Oh… so that’s why I thought the Dragon’s symbol was so similar to mine… I am the Dra- WHAT THE SHIT!?” Twilight promptly freaked the fuck out and fell to the ground, muttering incoherently under her breath as a dark cloud almost visibly formed above her head like one of Fluttershy’s Neighponese cartoons.

“Are you alright, Majesty?” the dwarf inquired as he stepped closer to Twilight. “Do you require anything? A meal perhaps? I can direct you to a nearby village. Or perhaps you’d like to retire to your castle?”

“I have a ca- no of course I have a castle because apparently I’m the most notorious and feared vampire queen of all of gods damned history!” Twilight groused, then turned away from the dwarf and screamed, “SCHRODINGER! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! GET YOUR SKINNY ASS OVER HERE NOW!”

“Hallo~” Schrodinger greeted from behind her, a cupcake in hand that he munched on while grinning his obnoxious cat grin. “How may I help you, fraulein?”

“You knew, didn’t you?” Twilight seethed, hands sparking with energy as she glared at Schrodinger’s grin. “You knew this whole time that I was- am- the Dragon.”

“Vhy of course I did, fraulein,” Schrodinger admitted. “Don’t act so surprised. As I say. I am everyvere and novhere. Zhat includes everyvhen as vell. Yes. You are indeed zhe Dragon. A vampire of equal infamy to your husband.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me this… why?” Twilight asked, arching an eyebrow as she crossed her arms.

“I’m a cat. It’s vhat ve do,” Schrodinger said. “Besides. Telling you could have done irreparable damage to zhe timeline. I am made of paradox, but I cannot go around causing paradoxes.”

Twilight sighed, “Okay, fair point. Now…” She turned back to the dwarf with a critical eye, “Who the fuck are you.”

“I am your humble servant,” the dwarf introduced. “I am called Karn, but you typically call me dwarf.”

“.... I can see why,” Twilight deadpanned, mentally comparing his height to hers. “Well… since I’m apparently the most notorious vampire queen in all of existence, the question now is… do I do everything recorded in the history books to keep the timeline stable or do I make a recursive time loop by just doing whatever the hell I want and letting the small, meaningless changes pile up into maybe a slightly different location for the experiment that sent me here in the first place? Schrodinger, what do you think?”

“I find zhat vhen you try to influence zhe flow of history, you just end up making a stable loop anyvhay. No matter vhat you do, zhe history books are unlikely to change,” Schrodinger said, eating a hot dog.

Twilight nodded, as if conclusively proving a theory to herself. “Fucking around and doing whatever the fuck I want it is,” she stated resolutely, arms crossed and pose haughty. “Now… first things first… time to go re-learn how to make a cigar. Schrodinger, could you fetch me everything about cigar making in my library from the future? It’s vitally important to Equestria’s continued state of not being a collection of glassed out, sterilized craters.”

Schrodinger’s ears twitched several times before he vanished and reappeared behind Twilight with a stack of books. “Vhy are you making me your errand cat, fraulein?”

“Because if you don’t get me my things, I’m going to go insane, possibly go on a bloodthirsty vampiric rampage, and end up destroying Equestria under a flood of familiars, necromantic constructs, and physics raping fire,” Twilight spoke simply, as if she were reading off items from a grocery list. At this point she also took the time to quickly cast a spell at the ground and raise a simple stone shack to serve as shelter for the night.

“Majesty, why not retire to your castle?” Karn inquired after teleporting in front of Twilight, a curious look on his face. “You’ll surely find it cozier in the throne room.”

“.... I have a castle? No, of course I do, the Dragon always had a castle in the history books…” Twilight muttered to herself, “.... Problem is, no one in the history books ever knew how to find it. So… I have absolutely no fucking clue where it might be.”

Schrodinger appeared on her shoulder with a grin and twitching ears. “Everyvere and novere, fraulein,” he teased.

“Just shut up and get me to my castle… and a map showing where the fuck it is,” Twilight groused, idly flicking Schrodinger off of her shoulder while picking Karn up by the scruff of his neck. “And you, when we get to the castle, I expect that you will tell me everything I may want to know?”

Karn nodded with a smile. “Of course, my lady. Of course.”

Schrodinger reappeared on Twilight’s head with a grin. “Ve’re here~” he sang as he revealed Twilight’s mountain castle, several of its spires reaching above the clouds. “Presenting, Castle Dracul.”

“.... I hate the fact that at some point previous, my past-future self must have built this thing. Gods, it’s stereotypical… at least it’s not a giant gaudy piece of shit, though…” Twilight sighed, pinching her brow between her fingers.

“Is the castle not to your liking, Majesty?” Karn asked as he walked into Twilight’s view. “Is there anything you desire to change? Such change can be implemented.” He snapped his fingers as he remembered something. “With your permission, Majesty, I would like to open a shop here in the castle. For your own personal needs of course. You can expect a most generous discount on all articles for sale!”

“.... Well one, I’d like it to be less eerie and stereotypical and more… Hmm…. Eh, I’ll figure out what I want later. Second…” Twilight turned to Karn with a deadpan stare, “if you’re my servant, why would I buy anything you had that I would need?”

“Supply and demand, ma’am,” Karn answered with a smile, only to wither under a glare from his liege. “Of course, I suppose I could provide whatever you need free of charge, my queen.”

“Much better. Open a shop for magic supplies, sell to those who find their way here for four times the market price at three times the quality. That way people will think they’re getting the better deal.” Twilight smirked, “Poor fools won’t even realize that three times the quality is usually only twice that of normal quality in price. In the meanwhile, I’m going to do some reading.” With that, she lifted the stack of books that Schrodinger had brought and strode into the castle, already mapping out potential changes in layout and appearance in her mind.

Karn teleported into the castle to prepare his shop while Schrodinger followed Twilight, seated on her head in his travel size. “So vhat are you going to change about your home, fraulein?” He munched on a hot dog as he lounged in Twilight’s hair.

“If you get crumbs in my hair I’m going to tell Pinkie that you signed up to test every single- actually, she already makes you do that, doesn’t she. Damn. If you get crumbs in my hair I’m going to make Pinkie keep crumbs in your hair. A month for every single crumb,” groused Twilight as she quickly located the throne room and replaced the one there with one much more befitting her image- a plush, comfortable recliner perfect for reading. “And, well, I’m going to decorate it to look like the inside of my soul. There’s a castle there, too, strangely enough.”

“Recliners aren’t very intimidating thrones, fraulein,” Schrodinger pointed out from the arm of said recliner, holding a slice of pizza he was enjoying. “Not regal at all. Try for intimidating yet comfortable.”

“Throne later, cigar factory first before I snap and incinerate the planet by tapping into the magma flows,” Twilight waved Schrodinger off and wrapped the pizza in a magical bubble. “Don’t drip grease on my new recliner.”

“You are so obsessed vith cigars, fraulein,” Schrodinger said, pulling a case of Twilight’s favorites from his pocket and handing them out to her. “Vhy are you so obsessed vith nicotine? Vone can only imagine zhe trouble zhe vorld vould be in if you devoted such energy to killing.”

“You should be thankful that I don’t, because if I did I’d run out of food sources,” Twilight replied archly. Slamming one book closed, she set it to the side and opened another, eyes flicking over the pages at ridiculous speeds. “Cigars and sex with my husband and wife are basically the only things keeping me from devoting my research to murdering and destroying.”

“Vhat about all your friends? Equestria? Tia und Lulu?” Schrodinger asked in slight nervousness. “Your daughter?”

“Icing on the cake, really,” Twilight shrugged, “nice, good to have, but ultimately… even my daughter, much as I love her…. It’s hard to feel like a human when you’re not, you know? You should know better than anyone how hard it is to feel attached to anything knowing that one day it’s all going to be gone, even the most powerful of us all.”

Schrodinger nodded and leaned on Twilight in uncharacteristic sullenness. “Yeah. I dread the day that I lose Pinkie and my daughters to the march of time. I am everywhere and nowhere, but I cannot give that same presence to the ones I love most. I will never lose my sister, but my wife and children… They’ll eventually…”

“Exactly. And that’s why I play human. That’s why all of us, you, Alucard, Fluttershy, Seras, all of us. We play human and pretend like we’re no different from normal people even though all of us could use them as nothing more than a steak dinner. It keeps us sane…. And that’s why I have my obsession with cigars. The more I tie myself down to objects, the safer everyone I love is,” Twilight murmured sullenly, throwing away her fifth and sixth books, which she had continued reading even while speaking. “It’s going to be a strange few centuries until I finally reach the point where I seal myself away and sleep to the present.”

“You tie yourself to things,” Schrodinger said. “I tie myself to my character. Alucard entered this world 1500 years before Luna returned. Seras around 30 or so. I arrived 65 million years prior, and just walked through the centuries without a care. Fully drawing into the character of the being I have been transformed into.”

“As I recall, Pinkie showed me a video of you literally skipping between points in time, which basically means that you showed up fifteen minutes prior to wherever in the present you decided to go to, on a technical point.”

“Yeah. I tried to just not make friends and keep to myself as an observer,” Schrodinger said. “But then Pinkie came into my life. And the rest is history. I couldn’t keep my heart away from her.”

“And then there’s me,” Twilight muttered as she tossed away another book, “who just needs a good fuck to calm down. Fuck that, enough of this depressing talk. Let’s talk about how we’re going to fuck with history until I get too bored.”

“Vhat vill you do vhen you get bored, Twilight?” Schrodinger asked before biting into a hot dog. Ears twitching as he looked at her. “Maybe ve should prank zhe Sisters. Or maybe you can find Alucard und tease him vith your body.”

“Hmm… the second one, yes. The first one… maybe. If I get really bored. Maybe I’ll just go kill the shit out of monsters and make a name for myself?” Twilight mused. “Ooooorrrr…. I could just do what Alucard did around this time and slaughter a bunch of people.”

Schrodinger chuckled and appeared on Twilight’s head. “As I recall, zhe Dragon had a legion of vampires that answered to her and vas highly feared by neighboring towns und villages, who gave her virgin boys and girls as tribute every month.”

Twilight deadpanned at Schrodinger, “What the hell would I do with virgin boys and girls? I mean the boys could be the legion, but the girls would just turn into ghouls no matter what, which seems kinda like a waste… well, unless I gave them to the boys.” She blinked, “And for that matter, what the fuck would I do with a legion of vampires anyway?”

“Be vorshipped like a vampire goddess?” Schrodinger suggested with a mischievous grin.

“.... You have a point.” Twilight began considering the offer in earnest, tapping her chin and grinning in a way that was far too predatory to be considered innocent. “.... Oh yeah…. I could definitely go for that… Dwarf! Present thyself!”

Karn appeared before Twilight in a teleport accompanied by a puff of black smoke. “How may I serve you, my queen?” he asked as he prostrated himself and kissed Twilight’s foot.

“Find me vampires. As many as you can, and bring them here. I wish to be worshipped by a vampire legion,” Twilight spoke imperiously, flicking her wrist and changing her armchair back into a throne, now made of jagged obsidian backing with blood red cushions. “And if they do not submit, kill them. Preferably in a very messy, entertaining manner.”

“Of course, my queen,” Karn said, still bowing. “Before I depart, would you like to see my shop, Majesty?” he asked as he stood up, smiling at his liege.

“Later. I have remodeling to do.” Twilight waved Karn off dismissively, her hands already occupied with a scale blueprint of her planned changes. “And be quick about it. I don’t have forever.”

Karn bowed again. “Whatever you say, Majesty.” With another puff of smoke, he teleported away and arrived in the den of a group of vampires a few mountains away from the border of Twilight’s territory. “Vampires! You are commanded to attend to the Dragon! You will come to her castle at once! Where you shall worship her like a god!”

The assorted vampires, male and female, looked at each other in abject confusion. All of them wondered just who exactly this tiny person was and what drivel he was spouting. The lead vampire stepped up from his makeshift throne and cast his meal aside, the carcass falling with a wet thump.

“Who are you to command the coven of Sir Divine Brand the Second?” the blond man questioned, his muscular frame rippling with every movement. “I should crush you like a bug for this insult!” Around him, the various members of his coven muttered their agreement, all of them shifting into attack positions.

Karn stilled, then tapped his temple, “Ah, Mistress commanded me kill those who do not comply, so… which one is entertaining…? Ah! That one is always fun!” With a snap of his fingers and a brief flash of magic, Divine Brand was sent staggering backwards half a step… and nothing else.

“That was it!? That was all the force you cou- hurk!” Divine Brand’s taunts were prematurely cut short as his body messily flipped inside out and compressed into a marble sized chunk of red material, not even giving him time to scream.

“Execution completed,” Karn murmured to himself, then looked at the rest of the vampires. “Will you now attend my Mistress, the Dragon?”

The vampires nodded quickly and scurried away to pack their belongings, not wanting to die in the same manner that their former leader had.

In the present day, Vinyl was reveling in being able to dance again after her pregnancy. Leaning back over the back of Octavia’s chair, she pecked her wife on the cheek. “Tavi. I’m getting my tubes tied.”

Octavia blinked, not sure how to react other than a strangled, “W-what?”

“I spent most of my pregnancy unable to run, jump, fight, or even dance,” Vinyl said. “Then I had to go through the act of childbirth. Which, if you ask me, is far more painful than any sword or crossbow wound I’ve ever received. I am not going through that again. So I’m going to get my tubes tied.”

“What, not even to give little Flaming Strings a younger sibling?” Octavia hid her disappointment well, but consoled her fact that if Vinyl went through with the act, she’d be able to fuck Vinyl to her heart’s content without risk of accidental pregnancy.

“Not even for that,” Vinyl said with a shake of her head. “Our boy’s gonna be an only child.” She flipped over the chair and plopped down in Octavia’s lap. “Speaking of kids. I noticed something about Spitfire when she came into town. Know how she kicked Soarin out of the Wonderbolts after he got Dash pregnant and married her?”

“Yes, what about it?” Octavia asked, setting aside her book and her momentary troubles with it.

“She was giving Soarin some very longing looks,” Vinyl said with a conspiratorial grin. “I think she kicked him out in a fit of jealousy.”

“It would appear that way,” Octavia nodded sagely, “she seemed rather unforthcoming when interviewed just the other week.”

“She and Soarin are gonna hang out tonight at the club I’m gonna be DJing at,” Vinyl said. “I could watch them and eavesdrop from my spot. Being the master of vibrations that I am, I can tune in and out of different sounds. I can mute all but one sound. So I can listen to them while I work. See what’s up.”

Octavia shook her head, “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, love. Perhaps it’s best if we leave them to their privacy. I know I certainly wouldn’t want anyone spying on us during a date.”

“Is there really such a thing as privacy in our line of work?” Vinyl asked with a grin before she heard wailing from the nursery. “Flame is hungry again. I’ll go feed him.” Getting up, she went to deal with her son. “Of course I’ve gotta go to work afterward.”

Vinyl walked out onto the club stage with DeadMau5 in tow. “Good evening, Ponyville! DJ Pon3 back from hiatus!” she cheered with her arms spread.

The crowd roared appreciatively, a scream of excitement and adrenalin so powerful it blew Vinyl’s hair back and almost shook the building’s foundations. Immediately, a chant began, slow, but picking up in volume and intensity each second.

“PON3! PON3! PON3! PON3! PON3! PON3! PON3! PON3! PON3! PON3! PON3! PON3! PON3! PON3!”

Vinyl grinned and patted DeadMau5. “Vacation’s over, buddy! Turntable mode! Let’s give ‘em what they missed!”

Over at a table in the back area that was pretty well ignored by most every other patron sat Spitfire and Soarin. Spitfire had ditched her dress blues for an infinitely more casual tank top and short shorts. “She sure is popular, Soar,” she noted as she took a swig from her drink. “Been a while since we got to relax and hang out, just you and me.”

Soarin nodded, bobbing his head to the beat for a few moments, “Mhmm. Say, why’d you call me anyway? I thought you kinda hated me for running off with Dash.”

“I’ll admit, when I kicked you out of the Wonderbolts, I was pretty mad at you,” Spitfire said after draining her drink and setting the glass down with six others. “I guess I just… just wanted to reconnect with you.” She leaned on Soarin with a drunken blush. “I missed you, Soar.”

“W-well hey, I guess I missed you too, Fire,” Soarin grinned awkwardly as he patted Spitfire’s shoulder. “Couldn’t just leave one of my best friends behind without feelin’ bad, y’know?”

“Oh I know,” Spitfire said as she looked up at him with half lidded eyes. “You ever think about what could have been, Soar?” She turned and pressed her chest against him. “You ever think about how close we Bolts are? Team bonding over everything, even a joined shower and locker room. I just know you were always sneaking peaks at these puppies.”

Soarin blushed and looked away, “I-in my defense, they’re very nice- uhm, puppies… a-and uh, is this really appropriate? I mean, you’re my former boss and well, I’m married and- uh…”

“I’m not on duty, Soar. I can relax and cut loose,” Spitfire purred before leaning up and exhaling warm breath on his ear. “Touch me, Soar. Touch me like I know you want to,” she breathed as her left hand gripped his crotch and started rubbing, while her right took his left hand and slid it up her top to her breast. “You like that? No bra.”

“H-hey!” Soarin yelped, immediately backing away and leaping to his feet, “Stop that, you’re drunk!”

Spitfire flapped her wings and stumbled to her feet before hugging herself to him. “I love you, Soar. I’ve been in love with you for years.” She smiled up at him. “Let’s ditch the party and go to my hotel room. We can go at it all night. I know you’ve got the stamina. I love you so much it burns!” she moaned before leaning in for a passionate kiss.

Soarin blocked Spitfire’s attempt with a raised palm and swiftly hooked Spitfire’s free arm around his shoulders as he started for the door, half dragging her while fending off her amorous actions. “Nuh-uh, Fire. Ain’t gonna do anything with a drunk girl no matter how much she says she wants it.”

“But I do want it,” Spitfire moaned as she tried to kiss him again. “It’s not like you haven’t fucked me before, Soarin. Remember that morning after Rapidfire’s birthday bash? I found you sleeping on my couch and woke you up with a kiss? Then I took you to Elysium and back right there on my couch.”

“Th-that was-!” Soarin flushed bright red and looked away, “Th-that w-wasn’t the same!”

“It had a lot of meaning for me,” Spitfire said as she managed to plant a kiss on his cheek. “That was when I really started falling for you.”

“Look, boss, you’re way too drunk to do anything right now,” Soarin continued to protest, “I can’t in good conscience even think about doing anything with you right now.”

Spitfire pouted at him as he said that. “I am not too drunk to make love, thank you very much!” She slightly stumbled as they entered her hotel room. Grabbing the ‘do not disturb’ sign, she hung it from the door and closed it. “We’re all alone now, baby,” she purred as she leaned up to kiss him.

“And I’m married, Fire!” Soarin all but squealed, pushing Spitfire away and backing towards the door. “That one time is just that- one time!”

“WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON’T?!” Spitfire screamed as her face morphed into a glare. “WHAT’S SO FUCKING SPECIAL ABOUT RAINBOW DASH THAT I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, SOARIN?! IS IT HER TITS?! HER SPEED?! WHAT?! TELL ME WHY YOU LOVE HER AND NOT ME!!!” Spitfire collapsed into Soarin’s arms, hugging him tightly as the floodgates opened and tears long held back flowed down her cheeks to the tune of her heartbroken sobbing.

Schrodinger appeared in front of the camera with his usual smile in place. “Let’s give zhem some privacy, ya? Work your imaginations zhis time, dear readers. Ve have ozher places to be.” Gripping the frame, he pulled it to the side and revealed the redesigned throne room of Twilight’s castle. The walls were more ostentatious, being lined with platinum and gold. The stone pillars had been replaced by black crystal, and the throne was now a chunk of violet crystal carved into a chair, couch hybrid with enchanted silk cushions stuffed with goose down magically fused to the throne. Slouching in it with a cigar between her teeth as she read was the Dragon herself.

Schrodinger stood in front of the camera again. “Unfortunately, zhere are changes being made in zhe writing of zhis vorld. You see, vith zhe stresses of college life, Jsyrin has opted to back out of zhe project, and Lobo Argost considers his writing lesser vithout somebody to bounce ideas off of. Und so, he extends to you zhe readers a chance to become ascended fanboys or fangirls and become his new cowriter! All applications vill be accepted through private message. Qualities sought in a cowriter are an affinity for madness equal to his own und zhat of Jsyrin.” He hugged his tail in despair. “Oh zhis must be vhat zhe people at RoosterTeeth felt after zhe tragic death of Monty Oum vhen zhey realized zhey vould have to go on vithout him on RWBY! Und poor Dead Fantasy! Doomed never to be finished! Monty you vere taken too soon!” He realized his vanishing tail and brightened up immediately, flashing a smile at the camera. “So hop to it, potential cowriters! Lobo Argost avaits your answer to his call. Auf Wiedersehen!”