Twilight Sparkle Has a Penis

Spike groggily made his way out of bed, shielding his eyes from the bright sun shining through the window. At least he was able to get an extra hour and a half of sleep after being rudely awakened by the sunrise. Twilight’s bed was already neatly made, the sheets tucked tightly underneath the mattress and the pillow pre-fluffed for tonight’s rest. Sir Spike couldn’t even get the image of her large bulge underneath the covers out of his head!

“There’s no way she has a dick,” the little dragon debated with himself. “But…it sure did feel like one!”

He thought back to last night. The bulge underneath the covers was there, that he was 100 percent sure of, but could she actually have a penis? She couldn’t hide it behind her size of panties either. However, Spike knew better than to underestimate Twilight. With her magical abilities, she could think up any little trick to keep it hidden!

“Maybe I can find a clue or something nearby,” Spike said, pacing around the bed as he inspected every nook and cranny for some sort of nerdy-unicorn-with-a-dick sign, whatever that may look like.

“Okay, I literally have no idea what I’m looking for, but I’m gonna find...something at least!”

“Spike!” Twilight’s voice called. “Breakfast is ready! Come on, you sleepy head!”

Just the sound of her voice made him anxious. He didn’t like sneaking around her room while she wasn’t looking like this. If she caught him snooping around for anything at all, he’d receive a lecture about respecting other ponies’ privacy. Wanting to avoid that, Spike quit his treasure hunt and headed downstairs, his belly grumbling the entire way.

“Woah!”

A pile of pancakes towered over a vast array of breakfast foods and goodies. Golden yellow scrambled eggs, syrup coated waffles, and sweet cinnamon buns were all spread out on the table in a picture perfect breakfast feast. There was even a collection of gleaming, sparkling gems just calling out Spike’s name.

“Good morning, Spike!” Twilight smiled, turning away from the counter as she stirred a spoon in a bowl of batter. “I hope you’re hungry!”

“Am I!?” Spike said as he munched on some gems, wasting no time in digging in. He gulped the delicious crystals down and licked their crumbs from his claws. “Why’d you cook all this food, not that I’m complaining!”

Spiked popped another small gem into his mouth as Twilight buttered some toast. “I was in the mood for a big breakfast. Besides, I’ve been meaning to try out some recipes that Pinkie gave me. I was going to try making her ‘Double-Double-Triple Chocolate Chip Pancakes,’ but the directions were pretty daunting!” She giggled before biting into her toast.

“Say,” she began after swallowing. “Were you up late last night and crawling over my bed?”

Spike nearly choked on his gemstone, coughing up bits and pieces of what was left in his mouth. He wished she had totally forgotten about last night, though he was expecting that question to come up at some point. He regained composure, washing down the gem with a quick swig of water, and thought up an alibi.

“I got up to get a glass of water pretty late last night, yeah,” he explained himself. “But I went straight back to bed afterwards.” Oh how he wanted to ask the million dollar question.

Twilight scratched her chin. “Then it must’ve been a dream. Strange though, because I could’ve sworn it actually happened…”

The unicorn walked over to the stove and placed the sausage she had cooking in a pan onto a plate. Spike watched as she placed each large, thick piece of the meat onto the plate. Twilight picked one up with a fork, juices leaking from the end, and brought it to her mouth, placing the opposite end in the middle of her tongue as she bit down onto the delicious meat.

Seriously? Spike thought to himself.

“Hmmm, this is delicious! Want a piece?” Twilight asked, offering Spike a piece.

It only looked like one thing to him.

“Uhh…n-no, I’m good,” He said, desperately hoping Twilight didn’t notice the sweat on his forehead.

“I’ll save you some for later then, in the meantime, more for me!” She said happily before scarfing down another piece.

Spike averted his eyes out of his embarrassment, though he ended up looking at a hand of bananas. Soon, everything in his sight looked phallic. They were everywhere and all he had to do was just ask Twilight a simple question. A sequence of five words. That’s all he needed to do. Instead, he became soaked with sweat as Twilight happily ate her sausage. A small amount of milk leaked from the side of her mouth as she gulped it down, dripping off her chin. He couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Gah, I can’t handle this anymore!” He shouted.

“What?” Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow.

“The sausage. The bananas! I gotta…I gotta go out for a walk real quick. I-I’ll be back later!” Spike made like a bullet towards the castle’s entrance, dying to escape this torturous hell.

Spike slammed the door, the sound echoing through the empty castle. Twilight sat dumbfounded in the kitchen, at a loss of words for what made Spike burst out of the castle like there was a fire.

“…What the shit was that all about?”

It was 11 am on a Wednesday.

Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity were all at Sugarcube Corner, getting their day started together with some conversation inside the empty sweets shop.

“Okay, okay, just hear me out Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash pleaded. “All I’m saying is that you could always use some extra security here. I’d just give them an ocular pat-down and you’d be good to go!”

The pegasus scanned over the pink earth pony’s body, making her giggle in the process. “I don’t really think we need security here, Dashie! But what about…mittens for kittens!”

“Oh, some kitten mittens?” Rarity chimed in. “I’ve designed a few for Opal. They work wonders! She’s never clawing at the furniture or making a lot of noise…though, Pinkie, you don’t own a cat, so they’d be rather useless to you, dear.”

“And, um, cats don’t really like wearing things on their paws, either.” Fluttershy said softly.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Applejack moderated. “How’d we all get on the subject of, er, kitten mittens from talking about security for Sugarcube Corner? I agree with Pinkie, I don’t think there’s any need for somepony eyeballin’ everypony that comes waltzing in here! Knowing you, it sounds like an excuse to eye up a quick date to me, Rainbow.”

Dash snorted into laugher. “Please, Applejack, I’m a five star mare! I don’t need to devise a system to pick up dates, it comes naturally!”

“What about when you tried to hit on that one Royal Guard the last time Celestia was in town? You tried for hours and hours and hours! I remember because I watched you the whole time!” Pinkie chuckled.

“Or when you sneezed all over Thunderlane while trying to say your pickup line,” Fluttershy mentioned.

“And that whole thing with Derpy is still puzzling and awkward,” said Rarity.

“Don’t forget about Big Mac!” Applejack laughed, nudging Dash with an elbow.

“Okay, I have an entire tape collection that will just prove you all so wrong-”

“YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS!”

Spike burst through the doors, nearly tripping over his own feet. His breathing was heavy and was soaked with sweat.

“Well howdy-do, Spike!” Applejack waved. “What’s got you all excited?”

“It’s…it’s T-Twilight…she…” Spike said, struggling to catch his breath.

“Is she okay?” Dash asked quickly.

“Yeah, she’s f-fine. Though, I…I think she has-”

“The measles? The pony pox? A super fun mission for us to go on?” Pinkie asked bubbly.

“I THINK TWILIGHT HAS A DICK!” Spike shouted now that he had the breath to do it.

The room fell silent. Spike had completely forgotten to make sure no one else was inside; thankfully it was empty except for the regular gang.

“Ooh, ooh, this is where the happy music usually goes!” Pinkie broke the silence.

“Happy music, what?” asked Applejack. “Hold on, why am I asking about the music, Spike, what in the hay are you talking about?”

Spike climbed up and sat on a stool in the middle of the five ponies. “Okay, last night I woke up and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I figured Twilight would know a spell that could help me get back to sleep. When I tried to go wake her up, I saw…a big bulge underneath the sheets!”

“Big you say?” Dash smirked.

“Rainbow Dash, don’t be such a pervert!” Rarity chastised. “Spike, are you sure you saw…that and not just a wrinkle in the covers?”

Spike nodded feverishly. “Totally sure. It even felt kinda warm when I touched it!”

“You t-touched it?” Fluttershy snuck in.

“Just over the covers,” Spike said rather defensively.

“So you didn’t actually see Twilight’s other horn?” Pinkie asked with a giggle.

“Not in reality, but I saw it in my dream and then, at breakfast this morning, it was like everything looked like dicks; the sausage, the bananas, EVERYTHING!”

“Maybe you’ve just got your mind in the gutter, Spike,” Dash suggested. “I mean, like, 8% of colts have an issue of just drawing dicks all the time, maybe yours is that you just seem them everywhere.”

“Come on, Spike, do you really think ol’ Twilight has one? I reckon we would’ve seen it by now.” Applejack said.

“Yeah, Twilight isn’t a very good liar,” said Fluttershy. “I think she would’ve let it slip by now.”

“Not to mention the whole idea of it is quite outlandish!” Rarity added. “Perhaps you were just seeing things, Spike.”

Spike folded his arms and huffed out a tiny cloud of smoke in aggravation. “I know what I saw.”

“Well,” Dash began. “In Spike’s defense, have any of us seen her completely naked?”

Everyone paused, trying to remember if they actually had seen Twilight in the nude. Of course, most friends don’t see each other in their birthday suits, but they hadn’t even seen Twilight in her underwear. When they thought long and hard about it, she actually seemed to avoid those situations all together.

“Call me crazy for saying this, but I think Spike could be on to something!” Applejack admitted.

“You really think so?” Rarity asked. “It just seems a little preposterous, if you ask me.”

“But what if Twilight does have a big ol’ wang-doodle,” Pinkie said as she made imaginary measurements with her hands. “We’d have gone all this time without even getting a teensy-weensy glimpse of it!”

“Pinkie’s right!” an empowered Rainbow Dash said. “Only way we’ll know for sure if Twilight’s packing some heat is if we see it for ourselves!”

“How are we supposed to do that and is that even a good idea, what if she gets mad?” Fluttershy asked timidly.

“You know, we could just ask her. Real friends shouldn’t be afraid to hide anything from each other,” Applejack said.

“But that’s sooooo boring!” complained Dash. “Plus, you really think you can just waltz up to Twilight and say ‘hey, we heard you have a gigantic dick. Is that true?’ No freakin’ way. She didn’t even tell us that she had a brother for the longest time, Applejack!”

“I think I’d have to agree with Dash on this one,” Rarity added in. “I don’t want to make dear Twilight feel awkward or anything, especially on the chance that she actually does have one. The poor thing would die of embarrassment!”

“Maybe we could just get her in a situation where she has to take off her clothes…” Fluttershy suggested.

Rarity’s eyes lit up. “That is a fantastic idea, darling! We could invite her along with us to the spa and pay for the premium package! It’s been a while since we’ve had that done too,” She ended with a moan as she looked forward to her favorite spa treatment.

“How about this, we all do our own thing?” Rainbow Dash proposed. “Fluttershy and Rarity, you can take Twilight to the spa; Applejack, you can try that honesty thing; Pinkie…you just do you”

“Always do!”

“What’s your plan, Dash?” Applejack asked curiously.

“Me? I’m gonna prove you all wrong and show you that I can seduce somepony! You’ll be eating more than your words if Spike’s actually right too!” Dash boasted confidently.

“What about me? I’m the one who told you all about it; I wanna be included in some plans too!” Spike whined, not wanting to be completely left out of the fun.

“Of course you’ll be involved!” Dash swooped in towards the little dragon. “You’ll be the figurehead of everything. We’re gonna need you to help walk Twilight into our…traps,” the pegasus said with a snicker.

Spike let out a joyful squee, clutching his claws together in pure delight. A lot of times he felt like he was written out of the fun and he was still as curious as the rest of them!

“You can count on me, everypony!” Spike said with a salute. “I won’t let you down!”

“Time to find out if Twilight Sparkle really does have a penis!” Dash announced loudly.

“Okay, the happy music definitely should go here!” Pinkie squealed happily once more.