Lineage

After several minutes of wandering around in silence, occasionally looking over my shoulder to see a very distraught Annerose, I came to a halt and decided to speak to her on it.

“You’re gonna have to get over it sooner or later, y’know?” I asked.#

“But I had fucking cancer,” she said, pointing a finger at me. “I was gonna die!”

“And now you’re not,” I nodded. “Are you gonna take solace in that and move on or just sit here panicking for hours and hours?”

“Little bit of both, I think,” she nodded. “I’m happy it’s all gone forever… but what would’ve happened if I wasn’t here today? Would’ve it have developed further? She said I had a seventy-four percent chance of developing cervical cancer. That’s insane.”

“I know, but you’re fine now,” I said, placing a hand on her shoulder and smiling. “So you can stop worrying about it now, okay?”

“A-Alright,” she nodded, taking a deep breath and focussing herself.

“Good,” I said, looking around before turning back to her. “So where’s this moose supposed to be?”

“It’s supposed to be around here somewhere,” she shrugged, adjusting the satchel she carried at her side. “I guess we’ll have to make camp and search more tomorrow before it gets dark.”

“Make what now?” I asked. “I didn’t bring anything to camp with.”

“I told you to grab a bedspread before we left,” Annerose growled angrily. “And I brought the tent in here and we were supposed to grab sticks to set up the tent when night came.”

“You said no such thing,” I said, cocking an eyebrow. “I’d remember if you did.”

“Well, this is just great, isn’t it?” Annerose asked angrily. “Looks like you’re gonna have to sleep on the ground in the tent.”

“Or I could just snuggle up to you in your bedspread?” I asked, fluttering my eyelashes mockingly.

“No, uh-uh, not a fucking chance,” she growled, storming ahead of me as I chuckled behind her.

“You do remember how cold it gets here at night, right?” I asked. “I’ll freeze to death, even with the tent as a wind-break.”

“Then you should’ve thought of that before we left!” she snapped.

“I thought we were gonna either head back or you knew of some sorta hidden log cabin or something like that,” I said, jogging slightly to keep pace with the storming woman. “I didn’t realise we’d be out in the sticks for the entire night. You didn’t even bring food with you.”

“I brought three joints of salted beef, Richter!” Annerose snarled, turning around on me and jabbing a finger into my chest. “The same as I told you to bring a bow in case we saw anything else that looked better!”

“Annerose, you didn’t tell me anything,” I said, holding my hands up in defense. “I don’t even remember you muttering anything to me. This isn’t my fault.”

“Well it’s not fucking mine, you’re not having my fucking food, and you aren’t sleeping in my fucking bed, you incompetent fucking wank-stain!” she hollered, causing several birds to fly away from the trees and a large number of animals run in terror. There was a second of silence between the two of us before I sighed loudly and made an observation of the glowering woman.

“You’re really fucking scary when you’re angry, you know that?” I asked.

“And I’ll show you how terrifying I am in a minute if you don’t sort your own stupid shit out and find something to keep you and your elephant dick warm through the night!” she hissed through gritted teeth before storming off yet again.

Normally this kind of situation wouldn’t be a problem as I’d have Grael with me. The fuzzy fucker was my bed-and-blanket away from bed-and-blanket and never had any problems snuggling up close and keeping me warm through our entire life, but without my walking comforter and faced with Annerose’s ice cold attitude towards me at this point for a fault we both shared… I needed to figure something out quickly.

And I had one proven option that was so disgusting that Annerose would forbid it from happening.

“Right,” I said walking up to her. “One thing Luna made me do to survive a freezing cold night was sleep in a dead horse.”

Annerose froze in place immediately, turning around to stare at me with pure fear in her eyes before uttering her next sentence.

“Excuse me?” she asked.

“I mean, a horse isn’t available, so a moose would do,” I shrugged. “What you’re supposed to do is kill one, gut as much of its insides as you can, minus the liver of course, remove the trachea and slit its throat to open up a breathing tube, strip down to your bare bones, and crawl into the fucker, close it up, and get a good rest without getting cold.”

“You…” she said, looking me up and down with disbelief. “You’re fucking lying to me. There is no way in hell you’ve ever even considered doing that, much less actually done it.”

“Annerose, if I’d never done it before, do you seriously think I’d know to do something like keep its liver and cut open an airhole?” I asked. “That’s one of those things you learn from practical experience, not making it up as you go along.”

“But it’s disgusting!” she exclaimed. “Why the fuck would you ever wanna sleep inside a fucking moose!?”

“Because I’d rather get myself covered in blood and guts than die,” I shrugged, extending a hidden blade and giving it a gentle flick before looking back up at the trembling woman. “Now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna go find my fuzzy inn for the night.”

“You’re a liar,” she growled as I walked off. “This is a complete bluff to make me sympathise with you. It’s not gonna work, Richter.”

“Dunno what you’re talking about,” I sniggered, pointing to a patch of thick trees a few yards to out left. “You set up camp there, get a fire going, and I’ll be back with my bed, alright?”

“Fine, we’ll see how long you can keep this up,” she smirked, having no idea how genuinely serious I was about this little venture.

And as an hour ticked by and I came back to camp dragging a dead moose with me, Annerose’s stern belief in my inability to make a temporary home out of the thing started to wane ever so slightly.

“You… you actually got one?” she asked as she cooked a piece of beef on a stick, having crossed her slender legs and leaned on her hand.

“Yeah. I need it for sleep,” I nodded. “We’re gonna need to eat up and sleep soon, though. The heat’ll drain out if I’m not in there to contribute it a little. Having the fire going for a while should help a lot, too.”

“I can’t believe you’re still doing this,” she said with a shake of her head. “I’m not falling for it.”

“That’s good for you then, Annerose,” I said, taking an-already cooked piece of beef and munching on it. “Wow. Great job with this.”

“Thanks. There were a few herbs in the bushes nearby,” she nodded. “I did my best.”

“Great job,” I nodded, wolfing down the rest of the beef before getting down onto one knee in front of the moose and extending my hidden blade. “I’d advise you to hold your breath. This isn’t gonna be pleasant.”

“You’re still going on about-” she began before falling silent as I sliced deep into the stomach of the dead moose and allowed its organs to pour out of its chest cavity with a sickening slosh. Annerose practically threw herself off the stump she’d sat on while I merely whistled at how awful the carcass’ inside smelt, turning my head away and grimacing in response.

“Fucking hell,” I laughed. “That woke me up.”

“What the fuck, Richter!?” Annerose bellowed.

“What?” I asked. “I’m not gonna get inside it by crawling in its mouth, am I?” I asked, sorting through and cutting away the organs with my hidden blade, taking the liver aside and keeping that as a snack, if needs be. I tossed the pile of moose guts away and stared at the innards of the moose before slicing out its trachea entirely, tossing the bloody piece onto the fire and watching it burn.

“Now then,” I said with a polite nod as I began to strip down. “I’m getting ready for bed.”

“Why are you getting naked?” she asked me.

“Because if I don’t, my clothes will get soaked with blood,” I answered, continuing to strip off. “And then when I crawl out of this fucker in the morning, I’ll be freezing fucking cold. It’s better to get down to bare bones and get in it that way, when try and warm yourself up as quickly as possible by getting dry clothes on in the morning. Now… good night, Annerose. Enjoy your nice, clean bedspread.”

And with that, I tucked myself inside my foul-smelling, fleshy sleeping bag with a laugh of disgust before closing the stomach flap with the hilarious image of Annerose’s disgusted face being the last thing I saw before putting my head down for some sleep.

I woke up in presumably the morning as I heard Annerose call out to the moose carcass, possibly suspecting that I’d gotten out of it some time during the night, but upon opening the flap and giving her a smile, she recoiled in shock and dropped the beef she was carrying.

“Holy fuck!” she said in disbelief. “You actually slept in that?”

“Well… yeah,” I nodded, pulling myself out of the cold carcass with my teeth chattering, watching Annerose avert her eyes as my bloody, naked form went on full display. “I didn’t wanna die and somebody was too selfish to share their bed.”

“I… I woulda been willing to if you’d asked me…” she said, not watching as I dressed as fast as I physically could.

“Well that wasn’t what I thought,” I shrugged, pulling my clothes on over my blood-caked body and revelling in their warmth. “I believed we were in the middle of a dick-measuring contest and decided that I’d prove mine was infinitely bigger than yours. I think I did that rather easily, to be honest.”

“You’re fucking insane,” she said, only managing to look at me for a few moments before looking away in disgust.

“I prefer the term ‘adaptable’,” I shrugged. “Next time, just say you wouldn’t mind sharing a bed so I don’t have to do that again. It’s a disgusting process and a waste of a perfectly good moose.”

“O-Okay,” Annerose nodded awkwardly. “Are… are you still up for looking for the purple moose? After this whole ordeal… I don’t really wanna think about moose for a few… decades.”

“I’m okay with going home if you are,” I shrugged. “I could use a bath.”

“Y-Yeah…” she nodded, seemingly more scarred than I was by the little event. “Let’s… let’s get moving.”

“After you,” I said with a gesture. “It’s a better idea for me to be downwind for now. Trust me on that.”