(Big) Mac and Me

Greetings, Apple_bucker24, from Humania Daily! This is pre-reader JudyHemmings. At present, I cannot recommend your story for posting in its current state.

Generally, we do not accept fap, so there would be little point in resubmitting. However, we do want to help burgeoning writers, so I can give you some advice.

• “It was a beautiful day in Ponyville.” We don’t need weather reports. This is generally something that writers do when they’re so freaked out by a blank page that they need to put something there, and they look around for something and decide on saying that it was a nice day. It’s fine to do, but cut it out before you submit and find a better starting point.
  
• This is a Pony-in-Personia story. These have been done to death, particularly with Susan. It sometimes seems that everypony has written fics about her, and half of them are fapfics. If you are going to write one of your own, you’ve got to try for some originality, which you haven’t got here. The whole thing is too bland, because each plot point proceeds logically from the previous one, with the exception of the fact that there’s no reason given why Susan wants to have sex with the protagonist. If you do want to see what a good PiP story is like, check out “Hippology” by StarbeamThePony, “My Little Robbie” by Haycaketrot35, or “The Humare International Guard” by electronicseapony.
  
• It’s also not particularly good fap material. Writing those is all about description, putting the reader in the scene. Yours is much closer to, “And then we bucked.” I really don’t feel the love between Susan and the protagonist. For the best example of these, read “Vice-President Bindin’,” “Research Data on Human Reproduction,” or “Bromance Reports.”
  
• Just because technology isn't real, that doesn't mean that it doesn't follow established rules. You can play with the rules, but you can't just ignore them. By that, I mean that you can't have a character say, "Oh, I'll use technology" or narrate, "She flipped a switch and it happened." What's the switch connected to? How does it work? If you do that, it's Celes ex cornia. (That literally means "Celestia out of a horn" and refers to the ancient Equestrian dramatic device of having all the loose ends in a play tied up by a unicorn summoning Celestia.)
  
• The clumsy way the second chapter steps outside the first is amateurish and adds nothing to the story. You should have written the "real world" scenes first, then gone into the story. For that matter, you should have just made them two separate stories, since Big Mac screwing a human and Big Mac screwing his sister are two different premises.

If you decide to resubmit, make sure you thoroughly revise, as this is your first strike out of three. (Our informal term for this is "sending the fic to Guantanamo." If we decide to permanently reject it, that's called, "taking it out in a drone strike.")