Carrying On

October 21st

        It’s been over a month since I’ve written one of these. Things at school have gotten worse.  I think.  My grades are a bit lower than usual, but that’s not really a problem.  After over two months of being ignored, I’m starting to get some attention.  Sort of.  No pony has talked to me directly (except for the teachers) for over a month, but now they’re talking about me.  Some of them, anyways.  To most, I’m still not worth the time.  ‘Look at him.  He’s a bit thinner than usual,’ they’ll say.  ‘What’s up with his hooves?  Did something happen?  He’s sort-of wobbly when he walks,’ or ‘Why doesn’t he talk to anypony?’  I don’t know what they’re talking about.  Not that I’d care.  Why would I care what they’re saying?  None of them care enough to give me the time of day, so how would they know what I usually look like?  Well, they’re right about the talking. It’s almost funny how hypocritical that statement is.   Of course I don’t talk.  Nopony wants to answer.  I just spend my time playing my clarinet or doing schoolwork.  I need things to do.  If I don’t have something to do, I just think.  I don’t like doing that.  Last time I did, it went down some places I’d rather not go.  The kind of things that get ponies talked to by others who ‘care’.  I discovered that writing this works nicely to keep me occupied.  I get to express my feelings.  I tried talking to my parents once a couple months ago.  It didn’t go well.  I was brushed off as having ‘conflicted feelings due to being a teenage colt’ and told that things would be better.  I figured from then on that it would be better to keep my thoughts and feelings inside.  Make myself a mask to hold everything back.  Nopony would notice, of course.  It’s a mask that looks and sounds like me.  Even if somepony noticed, I doubt they’d care.  No pony has so far.  I take it off to write these journal entries, of course.  Let some of the feelings out.  I don’t want the mask to back up too much.  If that happened, I’m afraid it’d burst and hurt other ponies.  Not that there’d be anypony close enough to hurt.  Why go near something you don’t care about?  I should probably keep working on my school work.  The mares and stallions running the school said there’d be scholarships for students with high enough grades.

-Clear