Carrying On

February 14th

        Today is Hearts and Hooves Day.  It’s supposed to be special.  It used to be, for me.  Not anymore.  Makes me sadder than I already am.  Rez used to have a marefriend here in Canterlot, and he’d always spend the day with her.  Five days ago she died.  I don’t know if Rez knows.  I can’t tell him.  Gold used to talk all about today.  It was his birthday.  Used to be, anyways.  All I saw today was red and pink everywhere.  The hearts strung everywhere to express love.  All of them were perfectly cut and decorated, showing the beauty of love.  A real heart doesn’t look like that.  It’s a fleshy lump of muscle that pumps the blood around the body to keep us alive.  A real heart isn’t a pretty thing.  I’ve started to question if I have one.  I’m pretty sure I do.  Blood comes out when I get cut.  I don’t do that, of course.  I saw once about a filly who cut her hooves because she felt really sad.  I thought about it.  I chose not to.  I don’t like pain.  I’ve felt it enough to know it isn’t something I can find comfort in.  I don’t even own any shirts to cover it up.   But I still question if I have a heart.  Isn’t that where I’m supposed to feel emotions?  Happiness.  Anger.  Joy.  Hate.  Love.  I haven’t felt those in a long time.  I haven’t felt anything other than sadness for months.  It doesn’t even sit where my heart should be.  It happens all over me.  Other times I’ve just felt nothing.  Like the past few nights.  I hit what I was afraid of.  I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore.  I’m supposed to be scared, but I can’t even feel that.  What am I supposed to do now?  I just keep going, like a robot.  I like that analogy.  I’d might as well be a robot.  I’ve got a core, I don’t feel, I have four hooves and an ability to think.  I’ve been thinking a lot recently.  Then again, I don’t think I could be a robot.  I can still feel sad.  Sometimes.  I decided to take off my mask today, in order to let out the emotions I’ve been bottling up.  Nothing came out.  There were no emotions to come out.  Here’s to the Hearts and Hooves Day where I became the mask I wore.