Pulp Magic

pulp

noun \ˈpəlp\

:  a magazine or book printed on cheap paper (as newsprint) and often dealing with sensational material; also :  sensational or tabloid writing —often used attributively

pulp fiction

noun \ˈpəlp fik-shən\

: fiction dealing with lurid or sensational subjects, often printed on rough, low-quality paper manufactured from wood pulp.

pulp magic

fiction \ˈpəlp ma-jik\

: If Quentin Tarantino wrote My Little Pony

“I just got to thinking – how does somepony gets disturbed that ponies sleep through the night? Like, let’s say you’re Nightmare Moon, alright? Your sister, Princess Celestia brings out the sun, and you bring out the moon after her. Ponies play and have fun all the time in the day then sleep when the moon comes out. Is that something that should really grind your gears?”

Applejack turned to Rainbow Dash “Well, now that there you’ve put it that there way… why would nightmare moon be jealous about that there? It’s not like she done made that moon or anything… did she done made that moon, twilight?”

“No, she didn’t made the moon. You have a point Rainbow, but we should keep in mind that this is Nightmare Moon we’re talking about. She might be evil even before she decided to betray Princess Celestia for all we know.”

“Well, it could be that too I guess… or, there was some serious sibling issues we don’t know about”

Twilight scoffed “Seriously, are you accusing Princess Celestia of all beings to be a bad sister?”

“I’m not accusing anypony anything… I’m just saying, it could happen you know?”

“Trust me. It couldn’t. I studied under Princess Celestia herself, that shit doesn’t fit”

“Alright, nerd... Geez”

Nobody said a thing. They kept following Twilight in the forest.

Pinkie shouted “Oh! What if Princess Celestia as we know is a kind and gentle princess and everything, maybe Nightmare Moon is just the complete opposite of her, like two opposite ends of the spectrum! I mean Celestia’s white, Nightmare’s Black – they cancel each other out!”

“If that’s true, then how did they got along before Nightmare Moon got banished to the moon?”

Pinkie rubbed her chin “Excellent question! Maybe they didn’t? I’m talking Tom and Jerry shit here, maybe Nightmare moon refusing to bring down the moon was the last straw, you know? Then that’s when Celestia used the Elements of Harmony to bring that bitch down a notch, gave her the guantanamo bay treatment and sent her packing straight home to her lovely namesake La gran luna en el cielo”

Rainbow Dash turned to Pinkie “… What the fuck is that - some sort of nightclub?”

Applejack replied “… Ah think she means the moon”

“… Whatever I guess. Crazy bitch”

“Speaking of nightclubs, I got a joke for you guys – So, a mare was drinking out with a friend at a bar and talked to her friend about her husband: ‘I don’t think he loves me anymore’ she says ‘Sometimes he doesn’t come home on time, doesn’t want to have sex as often anymore, won’t cuddle with me as often too. It’s like that fire we had once is gone or going out, know what I’m sayin’?” and then her friend says ‘I know exactly what you mean, I had that problem too with my husband before.’ she says ‘How’d you fix it?’ ‘I tried sprucing up our sex life and we he wouldn’t let go of me again ever since’ ‘How’d you do that?’ she says- ‘Well, a griffin friend of mine told me how she has sex with her husband and told me to try it – so I tried it. Every time your mate wants to change positions or stops between you scream at the moon or the sun if its day ‘Celestia!’ – you gotta do it every time, don’t forget  - every time he pulls out you scream ‘Sun!’ whether intentionally, unintentionally, between positions, you get it, alright?’ Hey! Hey, you girls followin’ me?”

Rainbow Dash said “Yeah, yeah – go on”

Pinkie continued “Okay – so she said ‘When he cums – inside you or not, you scream ‘Moon!’ okay?’ so the mare said ‘Okay, sounds good. I’ll try that’ so she did. Next night her hubby went home, she gave him her come hither eyes, lured him to bed – alright? And then she followed her friend’s advice, first time he pulled out she screamed ‘Sun!’ second time he pulled out she screamed ‘Sun!’ when they changed positions she screamed ‘Celestia!’ alright? When he came, she said ‘Moon!’ you guys with me?”

Rainbow said “Yeah, we are – go on!”

Pinkie went on “Okay, so after a few minutes of this when her stallion pulled out and came on her thigh she screamed ‘Sun! Moon!’ now after her husband caught his breath he said ‘Sweet fucking Celestia – Why are you fucking like a Griffon!?’”

Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Applejack laughed after Pinkie finished, Fluttershy looked at the three and then to Twilight ahead leading them their way in the Everfree forest

As soon as they stopped chuckling, she barely voiced out “Um. I don’t get it”

Applejack told her “It means her husband is playing pin-the-tail on the griffon”

“… um?”

“It means he’s cheating on her with a griffon” Rainbow Dash added

“… Oh… alright…”

Twilight finally joined in “Wait a minute, we can’t really say for sure that he’s cheating on her – how do we know her husband just happens to know how griffons fuck?”

Rainbow smart-assed “What are you suggesting that her husband has a griffon friend that told him how they fuck too?”

“… No. Wait, uh – yeah, maybe?”

Applejack said “That there would nevah work. Stallions don’t share no sex stories to their cider buddies”

“You don’t know that, you’re not a stallion”

Rainbow turned to Rarity “Hey, you know a lot of stallions – do any share their bed time stories with you?”

“… None at all – how about with you?”

Everyone except Rainbow Dash laughed a little

“Yeah, real funny. Hey, how do griffons have sex anyway?”

Rarity glared at her “Why are you asking me? Do you think I’m a slut or something?”

Twilight turned to Rainbow “Is that serious question?”

She waved her hoof at everyone “Forget about it, forget about it. Hey Pinkie, where’d you get that anyway?”

“What, how griffons have sex?”

“No, the joke. Where’d you get it?”

“I don’t remember. Somebody from Ponyville I think”

“Oh, okay. Thought you just made it up”

“Maybe, I may or may not have asked about how griffons have sex before”

“I’m not asking you that”

Twilight turned to them “Shut the fuck up, about griffons already… We’re on a quest to find Celestia for fucks sake, and you girls are talking about how griffons have sex?”

They all kept quiet for a while until Rainbow spilled the beans “Do you think Celestia knows how they have sex?”

“Really, Rainbow Dash? What’s it to you?”

Applejack asked Rainbow “Are you in sum ‘sorta relationship we dun know about?”

“No, nothing like that! I just have this Griffon friend from way back and I didn’t ask her about it”

Rarity added “That’d be a rather interesting topic to talk about on a first date come to think of it”

Pinkie Pie asked “If Celestia watches Griffons have sex?”

Rainbow Dash told everyone “I wasn’t crushing on her or anything, alright? I’m not gay”

Twilight raised her hoof “Shut up. There it is girls”

Everypony turned to Twilight’s gaze, an old castle laid waste on the other side a few paces away, they’ve reached their destination, they’ve found…

“The Ruins of The Hall of The Elements of Harmony!”

“Try saying that five times in a row” Pinkie Pie said

“We’re here! Finally!” Twilight took off to the castle followed by the other girls. “Twilight, wait for us!” Applejack screamed at her to wait for them but she kept running towards it, she turned back to them, ecstasy burning in her eyes “We’re almost there! W-wha?!” she felt her hooves slip and she lurched backwards to see she was at the end of a cliff, she could feel her body weight tilting towards the chasm until she was pulled back by the tail by Rainbow Dash

“What’s with you and falling cliffs today?”

Twilight looked back at the pit, what used to be a rope bridge suspended over the chasm was cut loose from the other side, blocking their only way through.

“Shit. Now what”