How I Lived In Equestria

*Knock Knock Knock!*

“I got it, Dash!”

Once Jorge quickly ran up to his door, he opened it softly, instantly narrowing his eyes with a groan upon whom he found standing behind it.

“Where the fuck is Shadow?”

“Ish…” Jorge rolled his eyes. “For the tenth time… This is my house. Shadow lives in a castle.”

“Shadow lives in a castle?” Ish raised an eyebrow. “When the fuck did this happen?”

“Ever since the castle appeared out of nowhere after all of Tirek’s bullshit, remember?” Jorge explained.

“Who’s bullshit?”

Jorge deadpanned. “That time you decided you were Batm—”

“OH! THAT ASSHOLE!” Ish shouted in realization. “Yeah, I remember now.”

“How could you forget a day as eventful as that?”

“I don’t fucking know, I’m a busy man.” Ish crossed his arms. “You expect me to remember every single fucking detail of my life?”

“...How can you remember your own name at this point?”

Ish scoffed. “Jorge, I’m not fucking retarded. How the hell am I gonna forget my own damn name?”

Jorge blankly stared at the asian in front of him. “Y’know what? I give up.” He pointed in the direction of Twilight’s castle. “You know where their castle is, go over there and bug them yourself.”

“Aight. Whatever.” Ish shrugged, preparing to walk away, only to remember a thought he had. “Oh, speaking of which, I’mma go camping in the Everfree Forest for about a week.”

“Why?” Jorge raised an eyebrow. “Haven’t you heard of all the weird shit that goes on in there?”

“So?” Ish cocked his head to the side. “Does it look like I give a shit?”

“No, I suppose not.” Jorge shook his head. “Whatever.” He shrugged. “Go nuts, I guess.”

“You’ll see, Jorge…” Ish smirked. “I’ll be going in a meme prince. And when I come out, I’ll be a meme lor—”

*SLAM!*

Jorge rolled his eyes. “I couldn’t care less…”

“Jorge! Help me assemble this freakin’ crib!”

“Coming, Dashie!”

“SHADOWWWWWWW!”

“THE FUCK YOU WANT!?” Shadow poked his head through the doors as he angrily shouted at the asian.

“Oh. You’re here.” Ish blinked. “I just wanted to let you know that I’mma go camping with Cryo in the Everfree Forest for about a week.”

“And?”

“Well, I figured you and Jorge would actually give a shit to hear that.” Ish explained. “Just think about it, Shadow… I’ll be going in a wimpy little prince of memes… When I return… I’ll be the greatest man of a meme lord anyone will have ever seen!”

“Ish, if anything, Jorge and I are probably more men than you are.”

“No. That would imply you and Jorge are actually human.” Ish shook his head.

“But… We are human.”

“No.” Ish shook his head once more. “Your wife is a horse, your kid’s gonna be a horse, your friends are horses. So what does that make you?”

“Uh… A human with a pony bod—”

“A horse, Shadow. A horse.” Ish interrupted. “There’s no going around it. You gave up your life as a normal human being to be a horse.”

Shadow narrowed his eyes. “Ish, I will punch yo—”

“No need to thank me for helping you realize your errors, Shadow.” Ish smirked, giving Shadow a thumbs-up. “It’s just what I do.”

“Mkay, y’know what? I don’t have time for this.” Shadow rolled his eyes. “Twilight’s going nuts about the foal’s room, and I’d rather go help her with that than to deal with this bullshit.”

“That’s offensi—”

*SLAM!*

Three weeks later…

“Need to prepare for the final episode of Daring Do? Tomorrow at 8, the Daring Do ‘watch-em-all’ marathon will—”

“We’ve seen all the episodes already... “ Dash groaned, tightening her hold on her husband as she cuddled him to death on the couch. “Twice.”

“They’re only trying to make sure all the fans who aren’t as hardcore as you are remember what’s going on before they finally end the show.” Jorge explained. “Cut them some slack.”

“Meh, I guess.”

*click*

“Today on the cooking channe—”

*click*

“Is YOUR house being invaded by the ‘Beast of the Everfree’? Find out more on the story in just a few minutes!”

“Beast of the Everfree, eh?” Jorge raised an eyebrow. “Sounds as dumb as the lochness monster…”

“The what?” Dash raised an eyebrow?

Jorge blinked. “Uh. An urban legend from my world.”

“So basically what you’re saying is that this ‘Beast of the Everfree’ is as fake your world’s ‘lochness monster’?” Dash queried.

“Exactly!” Jorge nodded. “That’s exactly what it is!”

“Considering all the stuff we’ve seen, Jorge…” Dash nuzzled into his chest. “I wouldn’t call it fake just yet…”

“But it even has a ‘urban legend’ sounding name!” Jorge retorted. “‘Beast of the Everfree’! I mean, c’mon!”

Dash groaned softly, closing her eyes as she continued to use her husband as an oversized pillow. “Whatever you say, Jorge…”

Jorge took notice of his waifu’s sleepy behavior, and drew his focus away from the TV to look down at the snuggly mare.

He smiled softly. “Dash?”

Dash’s ear twitched at the sound of her name, indicating her attention to him being given.

“Why are you so adorable?”

“Hm?” Dash lifted her head from his chest, looking up at him. “That’s a new one…”

“What do you mean?”

“Jorge, in the almost three years we’ve been together, you’ve called me many things…” Dash explained. “Cute, beautiful, hot, drop dead gorgeous, just to name a few…” Dash snickered. “But adorable? That’s a first.”

“But you are…” Jorge snickered back. “The things you do sometimes are just too cute…”

“Like what?” Dash raised an eyebrow.

“Well, for example—”

“‘SUP BITCHES?” Shadow bursted through their door, shouting all the while. “...And Dash.”

Jorge and Dash simply froze in place, slowly turning their head over to the gray pegasus.

“...Is this a bad time?” Shadow sheepishly smiled.

“Do you want to have a bad time?” Jorge narrowed his eyes.

“...Will I enjoy said bad time?”

“What part of ‘bad time’ sounds like you would enjoy it in any way, shape, or form?”

“Well, there was this one time Cadance—”

“Forget I asked…” Jorge interrupted. “What do you want, Shadow?”

“Fuck if I know.” Shadow shrugged. “I wanted to see what you two were up to, but I can clearly see you two are getting ready to make more babies…”

Dash deadpanned. “I’m still pregnant, though…”

“Exactly.” Shadow smirked.

Dash and Jorge simply rolled their eyes at Shadow’s comment, drawing their attention back to the TV.

“Now, what did you say the beast looked like?” The news reporter reached the microphone to Bonbon, who was one of the witnesses who claimed to have seen the monster.

“Well, it was tall… but it seemed to slouch a lot… and It walked on two legs… That’s all I can remember.”

“Hey…” Shadow muttered. “Where’s Linda?”

“At Fluttershy’s.” Jorge responded bluntly, shushing the canadian.

“Can you describe any events relating to the beast?”

“Other than the fact that it was in my house last night, trying to take some of my household items while I was away… Not really.”

“And how did you know it was stealing your things while you were away?”

“I had forgotten something back at home, so I had to quickly run back in, and that’s when… I saw it.”

“Why’s Linda at Fluttershy’s?” Shadow asked.

“Fluttershy wanted to spend the day with her for some reason…” Dash replied, shushing the gray pegasus as well.

“Would you say that the beast only comes out at night in houses left empty?”

“It’s possible.” Bonbon shrugged. “I heard some other ponies say they’ve been robbed while they’ve been gone, but had no clue who it could’ve been.”

The news reporter immediately turned to the camera. “Well you heard it here, first! If you’re not careful, the ‘Beast of the Everfree’ MIGHT just come to your home and steal your things!” The news reporter’s eyes widened, further emphasizing the story. “This has been Channel 10 news on the story, I’m Snappy Scoop, signing off!”

“Speaking of two legged beasts…” Dash began. “Isn’t Ish supposed to be back from his ‘camping’ trip?”

“Ish went on a camping trip?” Shadow raised an eyebrow.

“He was supposed to be camping for about a week, wasn’t he?” Jorge looked back at his wife.

“It’s been three weeks, though…”

“Has it?”

“Yeah...”

“Really?” Jorge blinked. “Huh, must've lost track of time...”

“Really!?” Dash shouted. “You completely lost track of time since your own friend’s been missing?!”

“This is Ish we’re talking about, though…”

“Oh, right…”

Shadow huffed, tapping on the floor. “Are you guys just ignoring me?”

“BREAKING NEWS!”

“Oh for crying out loud!” Shadow groaned in defeat. “Now even the TV’s talking over me!”

“Ponies have been randomly finding barrels in the river full of random objects, most of which have been claimed by their owners!” The news reporter explained. “Could this be the work of the ‘Beast of the Everfree’? Or is there some sort of deeper meaning into this? Could it be the work of this ‘Meme Inc’ written on the barrels? We’ll let you know once we have the full scoop!”

In an instant, Jorge and Shadow had cracked the case. “Ish…” They both said in unison.

Dash blinked, looking away from the TV to her husband. “Ish will do just about anything, won’t he?”

“Dash, he’d be gay for the right amount of money.” Shadow commented. “Ish will do anything, as long as he has a motivation.”

“The question is…” Jorge narrowed his eyes. “...What’s his motivation for this?”

“Hell if I know.” Shadow shrugged. “Nor do I care, it doesn’t really bother me.”

“Meh, doesn’t bother me either.” Jorge added.

“So we’re just gonna let this keep happening?” Dash raised an eyebrow. “I mean… shouldn’t we do something about it?”

“Eh…” Shadow uttered.

“Nah.” Jorge shook his head. “As long as he’s not bothering us, it’s not really our problem…”

“Hm…” Dash pondered the thought, only to nod seconds later. “Good point.”

“Jorge...It always becomes our problem in the end…” Shadow -

“When it does, then we’ll worry about it.”

“Fair enough.”

“Dad?” Cryo raised an eyebrow. “Is something wrong?”

“For the tenth time… I told you not to call me Dad…” Ish sighed. “It makes me feel old…”

“But… You are my dad…”

“As much of a good point you make, it still feels weird being called that.” Ish disregarded Cryo’s comment. “Call me ‘Ish’, or ‘bro’, or ‘sir’, or ‘grand master of all memes’.” He shrugged. “Whichever’s better for you.”

“Can’t I just call you Dad?” Cryo cocked his head to the side.

“...Fine.” Ish groaned. “Just not in public.”

“Deal.” Cryo nodded.

“You’re right about one thing, though.” Ish crossed his arms. “Something is wrong…”

“What is it?”

“I sense a disturbance in the force…”

“What kind of disturbance?”

“Jorge and Shadow aren’t giving a shit about me anymore…” Ish explained. “I can feel it…”

“So?”

“I need to make them careeee.”

“How are you gonna do that, Dad?”

“I’m going to shitpost them.”

One week later…

“You’d think Ish would be bored of camping, already…” Shadow noted, continuing along his walk with his cuban friend. “It’s been a full month since he’s been gone…”

“Who cares?” Jorge raised an eyebrow. “This is been the longest we’ve been in peace and quiet, away from Ish…”

“I guess…” Shadow shrugged. “I just have a feeling that something gonna come bite us in the ass soon…”

“I doubt it.” Jorge shrugged as well. “This is Ishtaba we’re talking about. He’s not the kind of guy to put any effort into anything…”

“Well, you’re not wrong about that…” Shadow nodded. “But, like—”

“Say, isn’t that one of Ish’s barrels?” Jorge interrupted, walking over to the nearby river.

Shadow simply sighed, following suit. “Does it say ‘Meme Inc’ on it?”

“Yeah.” Jorge stopped the barrel from flowing, pulling it up onto the ground. “It looks like it’s just full of paper, though…”

“Paper?” Shadow raised an eyebrow, walking up to the barrel. “Anything written on them?”

Jorge grabbed one of the papers lying in the barrel, reading what it had written on it. In an instant, the cuban grew a look of disappointment after reading the entire thing.

“I’m gonna take that look as a yes.”

Jorge simply remained silent, handing the piece of paper over to Shadow, who grabbed it and took a look for himself.

“Hi guys my name is Elyse (with an X) I'm 18 years young, and I sexually identify as a bathroom sign. I'm bipolar (self diagnosed, of course) trans-handicapped, trans-ethnic. And I love African American coffee.”

Moments later, Shadow grew the same look of disappointment that Jorge had worn just moments ago. Meanwhile, Jorge had gotten another piece of paper, checking to see if it had the same thing written on all of them, or different messages throughout the entire barrel.

“Sodium, atomic number 11, was first isolated by Jorge in 1807. A chemical component of salt, he named it Na in honor of the saltiest region on earth, North America.” Jorge read aloud.

“That’s what it says?” Shadow raised an eyebrow. “Does Ish really have nothing else better to do?”

“Look at this one…” Jorge grabbed another piece of paper, reading it out loud as well. “Shadow, this is the mayor of Canadaland. We need you home my son. Ever since you left us, our salt mines have been running dry. No one is providing these poor hard-working people with the table salt they deserve for their daily meals.”

“For fucks sake…” Shadow groaned.

“You know what this means, right?” Jorge looked up at the canadian.

“Time to go asian hunting?” Shadow tilted his head to the side.

“Exactly.” Jorge nodded.

“Great…” Shadow sighed. “Time to waste more time of our lives because of something stupid that Ish has done… again…”

“We’re gonna need to go shopping for some supplies, first.”

“Why?”

“We’re going into the Everfree Forest, are you not aware of the freaky shit that happens in there?”

“Riiiight.”

“Prepare a mental note, we’re gonna need a few things.”

“Such as?”

“A map, a compass, some trail mix so we can leave a trail behind in case we get lost, and a new bat.”

“...Didn’t I already buy you a new bat?”

“A bigger bat.”

“God dammit Jorge…” Shadow facehoofed. “You’re gonna have to be the one to explain the purchase to Celestia this time…”

“Just tell sunbutt that I used the last bat you bought me to indulge Dash’s sexual fantasies.”

“You did what now?”

“I’m making shit up, Shadow.” Jorge rolled his eyes. “Do you really think I’d beat my wife with a bat?”

“No, I was actually thinking you were shoving the bat up Dash’s—”

“FORGET I ASKED!”

Meanwhile…

“Cryo, you ever get the feeling you’re about to get your ass whooped?”

“No?”

“Good, because I don’t either.”